Chapter Text
Everything was not okay.
It started out simple enough but it was enough for me to catch up on the signs. After getting over the hangover and saying his goodbyes to Hanji, Erwin’s smile slowly dimmed once again as he started to clean up the place. He spared me a glance when I rubbed at his leg as he washed the dishes but his indifference alarmed me. I didn’t understand. He looked so happy, so at peace when he was with Hanji and I not even ten minutes ago. This sudden shift in his mood, this…darkness that I could almost see surrounding his otherwise bright presence had my fur standing.
I tried everything I could. If only just to see him smile for me, even if just for a split second. What was the point of being with him if I couldn’t make him happy? It only meant that I was literally giving nothing in return for all the kindness he has shown me; that I was quickly becoming a burden rather than a companion.
That’s what I was to Erwin, right? He knows that I’m here for him, that I’m his companion.
His frown deepened the day after, as he talked over a human device on his ear. His voice had started surprisingly meek as he sat on the couch; his eyes heavy looking and tired and his free hand playing nervously with the fabric of his sweats at the knee.
A sigh.
He closed his eyes as he quickly breathed out more words-yet these seemed like they carried the weight on his shoulders all this time. Time seemed to stop as he just sat there, his mouth thinning as silence definitely answered his heartfelt confession and the gentle happy giant that was Erwin seemed to shrink. His straight position was reduced to a hunch as his other hand trailed up his golden hair to grip it tightly as if he was trying to catch himself.
Are you falling Erwin?
I sat by the corner of the couch, watching him, waiting for him to just snap out of it. To spring back up to his usual smiling self and promise me extra tuna tonight.
Whatever was said on the other end of that device I instantaneously hated it. Erwin’s expression was unrecognizable; as if he was tasting the bitterest thing ever and not immediately spitting it out but subjecting himself to it till the end instead. He gave one last nod and removed the device from his ear, staring at it for a few seconds before covering his eyes with his hand.
I looked away as soon as I heard the barest sound of a sob.
I know he was trying. After two days, I managed to bring out a smile from him when I played with the fake mouse in front of him. He knelt beside me then and played with me. He was chuckling in the end, as I rolled and pawed at the toy and the familiar warm feeling erupted deep inside my little heart.
I was doing it.
Let me catch you.
He let me sleep beside him that night, cuddled up close to his chest where I could hear his heart beating. The steady drum like sound of it lulled me into a light, fuzzy sleep.
Four days later I woke up suddenly to the sound of the entrance door slamming and still in a sleepy and somewhat dazed state, I silently padded towards it to see what it was all about. I expected to see Erwin and indeed it was him but the thunderous sound of his footsteps had me backing away, wide eyed and nervous.
I realized then this was the first time I’ve ever seen Erwin angry.
“Bastard!” His voice boomed as he threw his talking human device at the wall, shattering it into pieces.
I could feel my fur stand as a shiver wrecked my small body into an alarmed state by instinct. Erwin stood still, fists clenched as he stared at the remains of the phone, trembling with violence.
For the first time, I felt the tiniest bit scared…of Erwin.
He made a sound that resembled a growl and I took another step back at that. He turned and kicked the couch and I winced, the barest sound of a whimper escaping me. What was he doing? Why was he so mad all of a sudden?
Farlan’s voice and words of despise for humans, the ones I had managed to muffle between all the kindness and happiness, were starting to haunt me once again as Erwin sat down on the couch, gripping his hair tightly as he breathed fast and deeply. His body was tense, his muscles coiled as he still trembled and his eyes tightly shut as he angrily passed a hand on them, wiping the beginnings of what suspiciously seemed like tears.
I dared to take a step towards him.
“Fuck…why…? He…he knew! He knew what I felt for her! I…can’t…I can’t live like this any longer…I just...I just can't!”
He didn’t sound so mad anymore by the end of his sentence. He sounded…defeated. Lost.
The silence stretched on, as his shoulders shook and I just stood there helplessly, feeling my heart tear. I’m so useless.
Do something, Levi!
Erwin’s other talking human device, the one that always stayed home, started ringing and I expected him to answer it, like he always did when he was home, but he just sat there and let it ring. His face was covered by his hands, as if he was trying to hide himself from the world.
A minute passed and my eyes fell on my fake mouse toy. Maybe…maybe I could still make him happy. I was immensely worried as he just sat there, hiding in his own hands and not moving a single inch except for the breathing that softly moved his ribcage.
The mouse squeaked lightly as my mouth closed around it and I stole a glance at Erwin but he remained still. I carefully padded towards him, sitting in front of him and very softly squeezed the toy.
The squeak seemed to echo around the silent home and Erwin tensed at the sound once again, his face slowly raising from his hands as his dazed, sad looking gaze focused on me. My ear twitched and I took another step towards him, nudging his leg as I squeezed the toy again, a bit louder this time.
Please…please smile.
His beautiful blue eyes resembled more like the ocean now, instead of the clear sky. They were watery and dark with sadness and loneliness. It occurred to me that humans were never happy creatures. They always found a way to hurt themselves, to shred themselves apart inside until they were hollow, bitter husks. They were always looking for happiness, voraciously and desperately reaching and grasping at it only to have it always slip from their fingers. Their nature had doomed them to be complicated, to think and think and create and destroy until their inevitable end while my simple existence as a cat only allowed me to sleep and eat and mate to be satisfied.
But as I looked into Erwin’s eyes, as I saw the bitterness shadowing the happy and gentle person he naturally was -maybe that is why I always thought he was not human- I was not satisfied with my feline existence anymore. My heart was as destroyed as his, his feelings were seeping into me and making me feel something much more powerful than the earthly common pleasures provided. I wanted to be mad at him for making me feel like this but I couldn’t. I couldn’t be mad at Erwin.
I could only care- as much as a cat could- for him and worry.
“Levi…” His deep voice sounded weak and hoarse but he still didn’t even crack a smile like he usually did. He seemed to look even sadder and I inwardly despaired. I put the toy down and nudged at his leg again, seeming more persistent this time and he looked down at me but I only kept nudging at him. A soft pleading mewl seemed to snap him out of it and he let out a sob then as a tear freely trailed down his face. I looked up to see him reaching for me and I rested my paws on his arms as he picked me up. The warm, safe feeling of being cradled against his chest seemed petty as Erwin’s arms enveloped me desperately, his hands weaved through my dark fur and soon I could feel it become slightly wet as he hid his face in it. I mewled, nuzzling his chest and simply waited. I waited for him to find himself again though I knew that would take much longer than just a few minutes. Maybe days, maybe months…maybe years. However long it may take, I’ll be with him.
“It’s only you and me, lil’ fella…” His voice was muffled but there was surrender in his tone. Our hearts were broken and now it’s up to us to pick up the pieces.
And I will have to live with the fact that I will never be enough.
For the first time in my entire life…I wished I wasn’t just a cat.
For the first time in my entire life…I wished I were human.
For Erwin.
I don’t know how long we just sat there, holding onto each other. Erwin’s sobs had long subsided and now he just sighed deeply as he gave me a caress on my head. He got up, headed towards the bedroom while still carrying me and soon enough, he collapsed on the bed, not even bothering to change clothes, and with me resting atop his chest. He continued petting me until his hand all but stopped as his breathing deepened with sleep. His closed lids looked slightly swollen and red from the time crying and rubbing at them. The window of the bedroom was open and the slightly cold late night breeze danced with the curtains as my own lids started to drop.
Lulled by Erwin’s chest’s soft rising and falling, my last thought was that the stars looked exceptionally bright tonight.
The chirping of the birds awoke me and I frowned as I could feel soreness in my entire body. I tried moving but instantaneously regretted it as pain shot through my hind legs and up through my spine.
What…why does my body hurt so much?
Maybe all this time being with Erwin had been a dream and I was waking up on the streets once again, subject to the merciless elements. If that was the case, I don’t know if I could ever live as peacefully as I did once, knowing that I could never have that which Erwin had showed me.
I tried stretching a bit more then, flexing my paws but a foreign feeling answered me instead. My paws seemed…longer? And there was certainly something different…there were other longer and slimmer appendages that I could…move?
I didn’t know what was happening but this all felt quite freaky and my heart started hammering in fear.
What happened to me?
Fearfully, I started opening my eyes.
I almost fainted as I saw a human looking hand, with human looking fingers that apparently answered to my movements, grasping lightly to the open collar that Erwin had given me.
Startled, I sprang up. Strangely enough, this unfamiliar body was in perfect harmony with my mind and although the lacerating pain was still there, making me wince, I blinked unbelievingly at the collar that was no longer wrapped around my neck. I swallowed and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath and dared to take a peek down.
Holy shit!
My eyes widened as I could see myself much bigger than the tiny cat I had originally been…and very much human. I dared to touch my stomach, feeling the muscles I always had ripple and I was unknowingly relieved that I still seemed as nimble and strong as a human as I was a cat.
But…
What the fuck, I’m human??!
I was still marveled and simultaneously terrified when I felt movement beneath me. I suddenly remembered that I was still on top of Erwin but now that I was bigger, my position had shifted to straddling his chest with my two very human legs.
Oh fuck, he’s going to freak out!
I was debating a good place to hide but was too late as a groan announced Erwin’s awakening, followed by the lazy opening of his blue eyes. My breath was taken away as I was already expecting Erwin to be as horrified and confused as I was.
“Morning, lil’ fella.” His voice was still hoarse, but now from sleep. I still only sat there, staring curiously and fearfully as his vision started to focus.
He saw my face first and he blinked, his body freezing as his eyes slowly widened.
“What…?” I didn’t know it was possible for his eyes to widen so much as he looked down at my body. Yup. He sure looked horrified and confused.
After all, how can there be an explanation to waking up to a naked human straddling your chest when you had fallen asleep with your cat on it?
I could only weakly raise the collar that I still had on my hand and shook it with a frown. The jingling sound of the little bell on it was startlingly loud.