Chapter Text
Ch.9
Olivia turns her back, letting him enter as she makes her way towards her kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine. It was absolutely going to be needed tonight.
Elliot shuffles into her apartment, closing the door softly behind him and turning the deadbolt out of habit. He lingers near the entryway, watching her move about her kitchen. He watches her as she pulls a bottle of wine off of the shelf, a glass from a cabinet next to the sink, and a bottle opener from the drawer next to her hip. His eyes follow her as she rounds the corner to come out from the kitchen, carrying all that she would need for this conversation with him and laying it out on the coffee table.
Olivia makes quick work of the cork on her bottle of red, her eyes never looking up to find him, and she pours herself a hefty glass. Recorking the bottle, she folds a leg under herself and makes herself comfortable in the chair furthest from him.
He gets it. Even if it stings a little bit that she needs distance from him, he gets it. Elliot follows her lead and takes a seat on the couch facing her, watching as she takes a generous mouthful of wine and her eyes peer over the rim at him. They let the silence envelope them, neither one entirely sure where to start but he knew it ultimately was up to him. The ball was in his court.
Elliot scrubs his hands down his face, taking a deep breath and meeting her eyes, "Liv… you gotta know I’m really, really sorry.”
She takes another sip from her glass, mulling things over and taking her time before responding, "Sorry for what exactly, Elliot?"
"For everything . I'm sorry for leaving and not telling you….I'm sorry for not answering any of the times you tried to reach out to me…and I'm sorry for not coming to you until now. I-”
" Why ?" She cuts him off, her voice ragged as she tries to keep her emotions in check. And she sees the questions on his face, in his eyes, and continues, “Why did you do it…all of it?”
Elliot stands from the couch and paces around her living room, wiping his hands along his jeans before shoving them deep in his pockets. He can feel her eyes on his back, boring into him as she waits from him to finally give her the truth. To finally level with her, but before he can start she's speaking again and he turns back around to face her.
"Just tell me, Elliot…whatever the reasons are, I won't judge you." She takes a shaky breath and lets it out softly, "Even if it was because you couldn't work with me anymore.”.
"It wasn't because of you, Liv….I just, I couldn't do it anymore. Waking up every day, seeing what we saw day in and day out…it was killing me." He moves back towards the couch, taking a heavy seat on the arm of it and clasping his hands in his lap
"After that night…after Jenna… I just couldn't take what I would see in all of your eyes. I couldn’t handle what I would see written on everyone's faces ... " he trails off, the emotion evident in his voice and he trains his eyes on his feet, hanging his head, “The look that I would have seen in your eyes, in everyone’s eyes because I finally turned into everything my father always told me I would be ... a screw up and a disappointment."
Olivia is out of her chair in seconds, her glass of wine ending up on the coffee table as she moves to stand in front of him. It’s instinct, even after all of their time apart, she can’t let him think that, let him believe the words of his father.
"Look at me," she orders him, but he doesn’t move and his eyes stay trained on their feet. She cups his face in her hands and turns his head up so she has his eyes, his attention. "Elliot Stabler. You listen to me: Understood ?" After a moment he nods his head, his eyes filled with unshed tears but trained on her, "You are not a screw up and you are not a disappointment. You did what you needed to do to put an end to a dangerous situation. Jenna didn't care who she hit when she walked into the precinct that night. She was emotional, she was dangerous…You saved all of us," she tells him, fighting to keep her own tears at bay as his own started to spill down his cheeks. "And I was never disappointed with your choice to pull that trigger. If you didn't do it, someone else would have…she didn’t give you another option, El…you have to let it go," she swipes her thumbs over his cheeks, wiping away the tears that are making their way down his face. "Holding onto that day isn't doing anyone any good, we've all let it go. It was a good shot and we all believe that, Elliot…it's time you believe it too."
He's not even sure when the tears started, but between her telling him she believed in him and hearing his nickname fall from her lips, Elliot can barely keep it together. "I've missed you... so much," he whispers, pulling her to him by her cardigan and wrapping his strong arms around her, burying his head against her chest and stomach.
“I—” Olivia starts, her breath catching in her throat and her tears beginning to fall as his body settles against her. Her hands hold him tight to her, rubbing gentle soothing circles across his shoulders and back as she sniffles, ”I’ve missed you too.”
She’s overwhelmed with everything she’s feeling in this moment, this weighted, cathartic moment and she can't move. Not yet. It’s been three years without him and he’s here, in her arms, seeking out comfort from her and it’s so surreal, and it's blowing her mind but she’s needed this. Needed this just as much as he has.
After a few moments Olivia unwraps his arms from around her and stands back, wiping away the tears on her face, "Elliot, there's still more to be said ... "
Elliot moves back from her and does the same, “You're right…I'm sorry. Please, say or ask me whatever it is you need. I can take it."
The silence envelopes them again, and she sits back down in her chair taking a large gulp from her glass, "Do you have any idea what you did to me? What happened to me after you left? The hell I went through after you left… Lewis… " she trails off as the tears start to fall, choking off her voice as a hand covers her mouth.
He’s moving from the couch in seconds, kneeling down in front of her and his hands come to rest on her knees, "Olivia…I am so sorry-” he was cut off as Olivia stood up, throwing his hands off of her.
"No! No… you do not get to do that! You don't get to just say you're sorry!" She yells forcefully. "Where were you? Where were you, Elliot? I–I needed you…I needed you and you weren't there. You didn't even try to find me," she manages to get out, her voice cracking as her body shakes with the full weight of her sob.
This is breaking him, watching her crumble in front of him is the most crushing thing he’s ever had to bear witness to. Knowing he did this, knowing he’s caused this storm inside of her breaks him in two. But he pushes himself to his feet, reaching out his hand to wrap around her bicep to turn her around.
"Liv. Olivia, please …please look at me. I need you to hear me when I say this….I need you to know it's the truth."
She lets him turn her, the wet tear tracks running down her face as she sniffles with a hiccup, "Why didn't you come for me?"
"Oh Liv, I tried ,” and Elliot can’t help himself, he cups her face in his hands and turns her face up to his, his thumbs swiping under her eyes to clear the tears, “I tried to get back here to help find you. After the divorce, I left for a while…I stayed with an old Marine buddy of mine…I needed to get my head together, try to figure out what I wanted for once.” She’s watching him, eyes completely on him and he gives her a sad smile, “But I tried….broke all kinds of laws and records to get back to New York…But by the time I did, they had already found you. It was all over the news and you were with Cassidy….I didn't want to swoop in and mess up your life any more than it already was…” he breaks eye contact with her for just a moment, looking to the floor and then back at her with a self depreciating shrug, “You know me…Know how I am…You didn't need that then. I thought you were better without me.”
At some point her hands had wrapped around his wrists, holding onto him like a lifeline and her teeth biting into her lower lip to stop it from trembling, "I–I wasn't better without you…I'm not better without you."
He lets his forehead rest against hers, his eyes falling closed and a shaky breath escaping his lips, "I wanted to come to you….I wanted to be there for you…my body, my heart , was pushing me to you but you had already been through so much.” Elliot pulls back, his thumbs swiping again at her falling tears and her eyes flutter open, “But I did what I thought was best for you… and I stayed away. Maybe I was being selfish, maybe it was wrong but I couldn't even imagine seeing you like that. I would have lost it, Liv, and I wouldn't have been any good to you like that."
"Yeah, Elliot, I do know you…and I thought you knew me.” Olivia steps back from him and his hands fall from her face. She misses the contact instantly but wills herself to put some distance between them, her mind reeling and trying to process what he’s saying.
He’s watching her pace in front of him and he sees the armor going back up as she crosses her arms over her chest and looks back up at him. He knows it's coming as soon as her mouth opens, knows she's about to wound him and to his credit, he's ready. He’ll take everything she’s about to throw at him.
"So you didn't come see me because of what? Because you couldn't handle seeing me beaten…. broken ? Couldn’t have handled seeing me bruised and broken?" Olivia moves closer to him, getting right in his face now as the tears threaten to spill over once more. "Are you ashamed of me, Elliot? Huh? Do I repulse you now because I'm broken?"
"No! No, Olivia. You've got it all wrong,” Elliot’s voice is hoarse and he’s up again and pacing, “If I would have come back and saw you for even five minutes, I would have lost it…I would have gone off all halfcocked… and I would have killed Lewis. I woulda killed him, Liv. I would have hunted him down, done what I needed to in order to get to him…and I would have killed him with my bare hands.” He watches as the emotions cross her face, as her breathing starts to match his and he thinks she gets it. Finally , he thinks. He lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and laces the fingers with his right hand with the fingers of her left, “I swear it, Liv…I would have done it without a second thought."
“El…”
He gives her hand a gentle squeeze, laying it all out there for her, “I swear on my life, on my kid’s lives…I was trying to protect you. I would have made matters worse.” Her eyes find his as he gives her a small shrug and a lopsided grin, “And let’s face it…my judgment has always been clouded when it comes to you, Liv.”
She can’t keep it in and a chuckle escaped her lips, a smirk on her face because he was probably right about that much. They always were each other's blind spots. Their own weaknesses if you could call it that. But even with that, he’s only answered one of her questions.
"Why did you leave without saying anything to me? You just left….not a word, not a phone call, not even a text ." Olivia’s eyes move back up to his, the raw emotion in her voice and in her deep dark brown eyes, "I didn't even get to say goodbye."
Not for the first time tonight he realizes just how deep he had wounded her by disappearing the way he had but he understood the feeling. He had felt it too with every day he was away from her.
"I couldn't say goodbye to you, Liv…If I would have told you that I was leaving, I–I wouldn't have been able to do it," Elliot trails off, his hand drifting up over her wrist, her forearm, her bicep, to clutch gently around her neck. Her pulse thumping strongly under his palm and his fingers stroked the nape of her neck, "I wouldn't have been able to leave you if I had to see the hurt on your face…knowing that I did that to you. So, I took the coward's way out because it was the only way I could walk away."
She lets him pull her closer to him, angling her head up towards him so she could still see his eyes, "I wouldn't have forced you to stay, El… if what you really needed was to leave. I would have understood."
"I know you would have because that's who you are….you put everyone else first. If I would have told you I was leaving you would have put on your mask and told me you were fine, even though we both know that wouldn't have been true." He has her almost flush against him now and he can’t even deny how drawn he is to her. How he has always been drawn to her. "I would have known you were lying because I promise you, Liv…I promise I was feeling all the same things you were."
"What do you mean?"
His thumb strokes against her jaw and his eyes soften, talking about the beginning without her was always difficult. Is always difficult. It always brings on a certain amount of pain. A certain amount of trauma and nightmares.
"The first month of not seeing you was absolutely miserable… I was miserable. I didn't even want to get out of bed some days, but I had to. I had to try for my kids. And I tried my best to repress the urge to call you every day because it just…it wasn't the right time. At least in my brain, at that time, it didn’t feel right…I couldn’t suck you into that storm.” Elliot takes a beat, lets out a soft breath and Olivia nods her head against his palm, urging him to continue. Her eyes never leave his and her hands come to rest on his hips, her thumbs hooking into the belt loop on his jeans and he can’t even begin to express how much comfort he feels just being in her presence like this. “The whole first year I was a bastard… even more than usual," he let out a soft chuckle and was rewarded with a smile.
"Kathy and I…we were fighting constantly, and I didn't even care. None of that even mattered to me. And after six months of just tolerating each other, I finally realized that Kathy deserved someone who didn't just want to want her."
She wants to run but she can’t. She’s rooted where she stands and her knuckles are turning white as she grips onto Elliot tighter. Her heart is pounding a million miles an hour because she knows where this is heading.
"It wasn't fair to Kathy anymore and I didn't want Eli growing up in a house with all of the fighting the way I did…so we separated, again. This time though, it was permanent. We filed for divorce and it was finalized six months later." He gives her a shrug and watches her face fall into a concerned frown.
“Elliot…I'm sorry it didn't work out for you two, I know you both tried… How are you handling it? How are the kids?"
That's Liv, always worried about everyone else
"I'm fine, really. Kathy and I get along better than ever, and I see Eli whenever I can. The older kids handled it well…they knew things weren't working, and I think we all get along a lot better now."
Olivia lets go of him and steps back, her arms wrapping around her as she looks up at him. "Why now? Why come back after all this time?"
"Because I finally had the balls to come back. I was finally able to give you all the answers you deserved…the honesty you’ve deserved from me for so long."
There are tears in her eyes and she fights against the wobble in her voice, "I needed you, El…like I've never needed anyone before. I’ve always needed you."
Elliot crowds her space again, moving towards her and lifting her chin up so he could look at her beautiful face, "You, Liv, are the only person I have ever needed." The rough pad of his thumb strokes across her cheek bone, "Why do you think I turned into work every day, huh? I could have transferred, gotten another job, but you wouldn't have been there. I left because I thought you deserved better… I thought you would be better off without me."
"But I wasn't, El…I was in hell. I was miserable without you. Going to work and knowing you weren't sitting across from me? It broke my heart every single day…” she trails off to wipe at her nose and clear her throat. The emotions from those days hitting her, wave after wave. "It's one of the worst feelings in the world to love and hate someone all at the same time. The hardest thing was to watch everything change right before my eyes and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. For the last three years all I wanted to do was let go, to move on, but I never could. I told myself that it didn't matter… that you didn't matter anymore…but it never worked." She lets him wipe away the tears that are making their way over her cheeks and continues, "The worst thing of all was that I thought you cared more than that, I thought that our friendship, whatever we had, was more than just the job. I thought that it would have been harder for you to just walk away and never look back."
"Oh Liv…” his rebuttal is immediate because he needs to lay it out for her, really let her in and know where his heart had always been. Where his thoughts and his mind had always wondered. “I might have left but I did look back. I have thought about you. Every. Single. Day. There were so many days I wanted to come back, wanted to call you. I’ll never be able to express to you how much I regret that it took me this long to come back…to get back to you. I couldn't think without you. I couldn't breathe without you… it's like for the last three years there was a weight sitting on my chest, and nothing I did made it better. I might have been alive, but what I was doing certainly was not living."
“Elliot…”
"You mean more to me than you’ll ever know...but back then I couldn't be the man you needed me to be. I couldn’t be the man you deserved. Walking away from you is the single day I regret the most and I will never forgive myself for hurting you the way I did… but I'm back and I'm not leaving. Ever ." Both of his hands are cupping her face in his hands, his thumbs caressing her skin gently and her eyes flutter closed. "I've finally figured it all out, Liv. I know exactly what I want."
Olivia's eyes find his, her hand moving to rest on top of the one on her cheek, “What do you want, Elliot?"
His voice is soft, hoarse. But his eyes are clear and honest when he speaks, " You , Liv. All I want is you…"