Chapter Text
When Hide wakes up, he’s in Kaneki’s bed. It’s really weird, straight up, just the strangest thing and it gives him this sense of déjà vu, so strong he’s dizzy, makes him want to wake up Kaneki to see if he feels it too. But he’s looking at Kaneki’s face, peaceful, all smooth features and tousled hair, and something tells him that’s not going to happen a whole lot so maybe he shouldn’t.
Kaneki wakes up anyway. Blinks his eyes open and focuses in on Hide’s face. He’d think they’d known each other forever, the smile Kaneki gives him feels so familiar.
Kimi went to Kamii and it sounds like a joke. When she meets Hide, he’s killed it beyond relief.
But it gets worse - you see, Kimi’s been getting to know this kid, Nishio Nishiki, lately. It’s awful. Like their parents got together and decided they wanted to ruin their children’s lives, have everything fall into place just right so they meet one night and it doesn’t even matter they’re so focused on other things, until a couple of days later when they realise and call their best friends and rant.
At least that’s what Kimi does one day. It’s been a week after her parents’ deaths, too long since she’s shown any emotion, though maybe exasperated isn’t the most therapeutic of the lot. It works, for all intents and purposes, makes for a good distracter, and Hide holds onto it with everything he has.
It won’t be another month until Hide runs into Nishiki. He doesn’t know who he is by name but he’s very aware of the influence the ghoul has over a bit of area, running other ghouls off and, if not, dutifully doing the job of the CCG and murdering them. There used to be more death in the region, enough for them to associate it with more than one ghoul off the bat, not a territorial lone-wolf, but that had changed for some reason or other.
The idea had been that that region was eventually overrun, ghoul politics, by someone considerably strong, with a vested interest in the people of the area - as they decided during the duration of his reign, starting out with feasting once a week before beginning to dwindle until he’s hitting once every three. It seems like a good deal - better than what was occurring before - but still wasn’t good enough.
The ghouls that were kicked out had allocated themselves to the fringes of the region, a heavily populated area of Tokyo, with the region in question only being a small fraction of its total density. The ghoul had no vested interest in doing the CCG’s work for them, but its establishment of a singular area had allowed the CCG to pinpoint its outerbanks relatively well and at least partially eliminate some of the fringe ghouls, all the while pressuring the lone-wolf into a near starved state, or so they figured.
Hide knows of someone from college who drinks nothing but coffee - it seems like a useless bit of information so he doesn’t divulge, figures he’ll deal with it himself. He ends up in the guy’s room with a friend for a second, looking for something SGA-related, and though they’re not properly introduced, Hide does snoop around the fridge post-eyeing the large array of instant coffee by the windowsill and there is literally nothing. It doesn’t take a genius.
Though he’s not exactly keen on taking action against ghouls, he does have a job to keep and if the occasional tip in is what’ll let him keep his hold on information, so be it.
He asks his friend and finds out the assumed ghoul is one Nishiki Nishio. It makes sense, in a weird sort of way - a ghoul striking a begrudgingly strong relationship with a very-human Kimi, restricting the ghoul presence in the area for her sake, limiting his eating habits as much as possible. Hide has second thoughts but Nishiki doesn’t allow for them - when they’re heading out one day and Hide feels an attack on the horizon, gives it two hours, sends a call to the CCG beforehand.
They grab some melon bread from a side shop close to the university and, before long, they’ve reached an empty alleyway a bit aways where Hide gets to work.
It’s a day later when Hide checks his phone, still in his jacket’s pocket, that he finds out that Kimi’s now official boyfriend had been in an accident with some ‘crazy fuckers’ and, holy shit, he’s a ghoul, I just found out, please don’t do anything bad, he’s barely conscious - I feel like you did something bad.
They meet up at Anteiku later. Kimi’s standing just outside the shop, next to the door. She’s tapping her foot, brown boot hitting sidewalk in a staccato movement that has Hide wishing he was back with Kaneki, curled up in bed. It’s another way of digging his head in the sand - he doesn’t know why he feels as guilty as he does, the guy was going to eat him, but, well.
He’s already decided to do his best to leave Kaneki out of it. For all intents and purposes, it was some random ghoul who attacked Nishiki - no one needed to know how weird Kaneki was. Ha, except for Hide. Of course.
Kimi calls out his name when she sees him, bounces a little on the balls of her feet, grabs his wrist and drags him up the stairs and into the sitting room where Nishiki’s lounging on the couch, battered and pale.
She gives Nishiki a look and he moves his feet off the armrest, sits upright and settles a glare on Hide. Hide’s pushed down in the newly freed spot, then Kimi crosses and uncrosses her arms in front of them for a moment, staring at the two. “Would someone please tell me what happened?”
Hide opens his mouth and Kimi also sets a glare on him. Apparently it’s Attack Hide Day. “Without any bullshit. Those sorts of wounds aren’t caused by melon bread, Hide.”
“Alright, fair enough. I had to do some work, right? And I knew I was going to be attacked by him - your boyfriend. He’s pretty central to what we’re working on. We met up after class and he led me to an alley - ”
“You’re making yourself seem pretty innocent in this situation. Who’s side are you on?” Kimi doesn’t mention the CCG’s name, gracefully, since Nishiki already had enough beef with him. Still, bringing up something he doesn’t exactly know the answer to wasn’t the nicest thing. Come on, Kimi. He’s limited his influence in the CCG quite a bit. He hasn’t even touched a quinque in ages. He wasn’t going to kill the guy. Just… place him in CCG’s care.
He ignores the question. “Okay, well, after he puked on my face, a hungry ghoul came by and didn’t eat me.” Oh god. That sounded just awful. Just, really dumb. “Instead he ate a lil bit of him. Nishiki? Nishiki. Yeah.”
“I think you get why that sounds really dumb. Why in the world would a ghoul do something like that?”
“I don’t know? Maybe he was feeling a little adventurous. Wanted to switch things up a little bit.” He honestly didn’t know. Hungry ghouls are a whole ‘nother monster, with such a loose hold on their consciousness, the ability to actually reject the allure of human flesh was - well, it was really fucking weird. There’s a part of him that thinks that maybe it’s because Kaneki knows him. The way Hide feels like he knows Kaneki, maybe not in so many words, more a feeling in the hollows of his bones, in his chest, than a legitimate thought. But a feeling like that couldn’t possibly overcome something as strong as a ghoul’s hunger.
On the flipside, he has heard about ghouls eating other ghouls. A whisper here and there - the notion of otherworldly power, more so than what already exists, in the grasps of many with just a change in meat. It makes sense, sort of, what with the idea that a ghoul’s over abundance of RC cells could contribute to a kakuhou so heavily it entirely transforms the shape of the owner.
“It was Kaneki, you dipshit.” Nishiki’s looking at Hide with wide eyes - a look of revelation in deep contrast with the words chosen to convey it.
“It was definitely not Kaneki, what are you even saying? How do you even know him?”
“I saw him around Kamii now and then.” He’s looking at Kimi now. “Really quiet kid, smart as shit, definitely not a ghoul but apparently that changed. I know it’s Kaneki.”
Kimi looks like she’s giving this some thought. “He just joined Anteiku. He’s a half ghoul, y’know. A real life half ghoul.”
“Only one of his eyes changed. Holy shit? I thought it was just a fluke, I didn’t…”
A half-ghoul. That makes so much sense. A little too in touch with his human side to consider cannibalisation. You’d think he’d be used to it by now but - but half-ghouls were just a myth. The CCG doesn’t have anything on them, and if they’re ever brought up it’s as a rumor, like seeing bigfoot, just some urban legend. How the hell does Kimi know he’s a half ghoul? “So you’re saying that he was changed into a ghoul at some point. How is that even possible?”
“It’s not for me to say,” Kimi responds.
Hide huffs. Nishiki looks at the ceiling for a second, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth before looking to Hide. “You left with him, didn’t you? Where is he now?”
“He’s at home. He’s doing better so don’t worry about him trying to eat you again.”
“Right. To hell with that - have you heard about people who eat ghouls? They’re fucking crazy - ”
“He didn’t eat you, okay, he just nibbled - ”
“Alright, boys. Honestly, at this point, I’m just tired.” The look on her face agrees - any traces of bemusement gone, leaving behind a heavy weariness in her flesh that sags her skin, bags under her eyes and trembles in her fingers. “You’re both so important to me. Please, just… tolerate each other. Let’s move past this, okay? We can worry about Kaneki later.”
And it’s later that Hide is back at Kaneki’s house.
They hadn’t known each other for long but there’s something telling them to be close, Kaneki explains. Like some deep innate force drawing them together - ‘cause otherwise things don’t feel right; the world doesn’t properly align and his perception of things are clouded by this sense of wrongness. With Hide, maybe he can deal with everything.
And there’s something about that that makes Hide so stupidly happy.
So they sit together on Kaneki’s couch, with Hide’s movies in tow, good background noise for the piles of homework Kaneki has to complete if he wants to get back on track. They curl together, breath mingling, bodies pressed close, warm, with books all around, coffee cups forming rings on the table, and it feels good in a way that can’t be properly put into words. And it’s good like that for a couple of days.
Until one day it’s not.
Hide wakes up in his own bed with his chest on fire, gripping at his shirt with white-knuckled hands. There’s a weight of helplessness, a sense of inability to change the course of reality, a more or less fluid structure with the occasional need to be so totally unyielding it’s like a slap in the face and now it’s impacting someone he cares about a little unreasonably much. He doesn’t know what’s happening - if it’s even happened yet - but it’s a sign that something’s on the way.
It’s been awhile since he’s felt like this.
He’s not there when it happens, but he’s there for the aftermath. The CCG’s been made aware of a family of ghouls, the Fueguchi family, frequenters of Anteiku but not workers there, too pacifistic. A mother and a daughter, Hide doesn’t know them very well, interacted with them once or twice, seen them get handed brown packages here and there. But Kaneki was especially close to the daughter, Hinami, giving her reading lessons while he was off the clock.
It’s the day after that Hide finds out about It. He’s sitting at a table in Anteiku, using the cafe the way a cafe should be used (homework, of course - and maybe other things; it’s really a happy coincidence that Kaneki works here because wow, Hide really wants to keep an eye on him, make sure he’s doing alright), when he sees Kaneki out of the corner of his eye, shifting from foot to foot and wringing a towel with a tight-lipped expression over his table. He leans forward a little bit when he asks if Hide can spend the night and Hide raises his eyebrows but agrees. Kaneki nods, once, then twice like it’s officially settled, before promptly turning around and heading back behind the counter.
It feels like it’s routine. Like he’s done it enough in dreams, in alternate realities, that it’s second nature. They don’t even make it into the apartment - Kaneki’s hand is shaking too much to unlock the door, sparks an irritation that breaks out in a shaky sob, and Hide’s got his hands on Kaneki’s shoulders, twists him around so they’re facing each other, brings Kaneki’s head against his shoulder and wraps his arms around Kaneki’s waist, brings him close.
Kaneki’s fingers grip at his shoulder blades and Hide kneads into his back, down to his hips, back up again. It’s warm and tight and so, so, close and if Hide was made for anything in the world it was for hugging Kaneki.
Then the person in the apartment next door walks out and stares at them for a couple of seconds with the weirdest look on their face, coughs, walks away. It makes Hide pull back a little, bring a hand up to Kaneki’s face and brush his thumb against his cheek, ask him if he wants to go inside now - just in case Kaneki didn’t want to start up a reputation with his neighbors. Kaneki nods, shaky and spluttery, and Hide picks up the keys from the floor and unlocks the door.
“I think you’re like Shinji.”
“Huh?”
Hide giggles. “Like Shinji from Evangelion. Have you seen Evangelion?”
“Yeah, I’ve seen Evangelion. What makes you think I’m like Shinji?”
“I don’t know. You’re all sad all the time. Maybe you’re not as much of a priss, maybe, but you totally have a Shinji thing going on.”
“Okay, first of all, Shinji is not a priss, alright? He has some serious problems - ”
“That’s totally something a Shinji-person would say.”
“Okay. That’s... Okay. But if I’m Shinji, you’re Kaworu.”
“I am so okay with that. Kaworu is the shit.”
“He’s so gay. He hits on Shinji while they’re taking a shower. It’s so gay.”
“Well, duh. And Shinji’s so sad, he’s totally all over it. Remember?”
“I would say that’s accurate but it would sound pretty self-patronizing.”
Hide gasps, hand over his chest and everything. “Oh my god, did you read the manga?”
“Of course. ...Oh no, you’re not talking about that scene, are you?”
“Yes! The one where Shinji’s all hyperventilate-y and Kaworu does the thing?”
“Oh my god. Kaworu does do the thing. The make-out-y thing.”
“Shinji is nowhere near as gay-sad in the manga. He definitely had more control over his life.” Hide nods.
Kaneki looks thoughtful for a moment. “I feel like Kaneki just doesn’t know what he wants in the manga. He wasn’t ready for that type of crisis just yet. Anime-Shinji is more in touch with his feelings.”
“With his inner-homo.”
“Well. Yes.”
“Are you in touch with your inner-homo?”
“Are you asking if I would let you hit on me in the shower?”
“No, no - would you let me make out with you if you were hyperventilating?” Hide wiggles his eyebrows. It takes a lot of concentration but he succeeds.
“Hm. I’d have to think about that. Probably? It seemed like it worked, didn’t it?”
“Holy shit. Are you giving me permission to make out with you?”
“What? No. I’m giving you permission to put your face on my face and help me breathe if I ever hyperventilate.”
Hide laughs and Kaneki gives him an indignant thump in the leg with his foot. “Isn’t that just CPR?”
He twists around a little in Hide’s lap, establishes real good eye contact so the glare is well received, before he settles back down on the couch and turns his focus on the movie they picked from the stash Hide’s set up in Kaneki’s house.
Kaneki is hyperventilating and Hide doesn’t know what to do about it.
He’s sitting on the floor in a corner, legs drawn up to his chest, chest heaving - a noticeable rise and collapse, rise and collapse, quick bursts. Hands grip at his hair, his shirt, tangle into strands and cloth and it probably hurts a little, tears at his scalp like the pain’s the only thing keeping him grounded. His eyes don’t focus on anything, stare off into the distance, cloudy, while tears stream down his cheeks. They were talking just a minute ago, sitting on the couch and watching the news together, sipping some coffee, but panic attacks are like that. Sudden. And this is different - not the usual crying spell, makes Hide think Kaneki might be dying.
Hide finds him by chance - only walked back into the living room because he left his keys on the coffee table. When he sees him, he drops on his knees and hovers his hands over Kaneki’s form because he doesn’t know what to do.
“Hey, hey, hey…” He settles on trying to get Kaneki’s hand out of his hair, rests his fingers against the back of Kaneki’s hand and slide them up, wrap around a digit and untangle it from the black. He does it one by one, eases Kaneki’s hand away and replaces it with his own, smoothing the hair down, presses his palm into the junction of his neck and jaw so his fingers rest on the hair at the back of his head.
Kaneki’s looking at him now. It’s hazy but more focused than before, fleets this way and that. His breath is still coming out in gasps, skin clammy and faint. Hide presses his forehead against Kaneki’s, brings his other hand to the back of Kaneki’s head and tilts it up until hopefully all Kaneki can see is him, not whatever’s moving in the background.
Kaneki’s gripping at his shirt now, resting his hands against his chest and digging his fingers into the fabric there. He spreads his legs until Hide can fit in the slot there, pulls forward until holy shit. Holy shit? Holy shit.
Hide’s head short circuits for about ten seconds. It’s a long time and he’s gaping like a fish against Kaneki’s mouth but maybe that’s a good thing ‘cause it’s not like they’re making out or anything - no, it’s more like a breath exchange. What do you call that? Oh, yeah, CPR. Something like that. That’s new - really new - maybe not something Hide was made for but certainly something he could get used to. Okay.
And it’s completely ineffective until Kaneki tugs on Hide’s shirt, brings him out of shock and into - this. Something that requires Hide’s breathing. Right. So he does that, takes a deep breath in and exhales with Kaneki’s lips against his. It takes a good minute - Kaneki’s got pretty strong lungs, keeps on stealing the air with a stuttering uptake until Hide takes it back, slow, slow, slow.
(It is astonishingly hard to keep his tongue to himself.)
Eventually they make it. A steady one to five in, one to five out. They stay like that for a moment, long enough for Hide to feel like that’s how existence is supposed to be, him and Kaneki connected at the mouth like that, until Kaneki backs off with a ‘pop’ and Hide almost lets out a whine embarrassing enough to bring him back to reality.
Kaneki’s eyes are still a little hazy but Hide figures it’s the Good kind of hazy. He sits back against the wall, pats down the wrinkles he made in Hide’s shirt. With a cough that’s got him finally establishing proper eye contact, he says very pointedly, “You know I gave you permission, right?”
Hide coughs a little too. His cheeks are probably red. Is that an okay thing? He’s not sure. Why wouldn’t it be an okay thing? Hm. “A - are you okay though? I mean, you were... Hyperventilate-y.”
“Uh. Yeah. I’m. I just. I felt like I really needed to do something.”
Hide winks. “Get CPR from a totally uncertified but unbelievably handsome man?”
Kaneki snorts. “Of course. Can you ...stay for a cup of coffee? It won’t take too long, just until...”
“Yeah, definitely.”
His sister scoffs next to him, throws her head to the side and furrows her brows in frustration.
“Your parents are dead and this is how you - “
“I don’t give a fuck what you think my parents would want me to do. You don’t know them.”
There’s a man with a grey coat sitting on their couch, another standing, leaning against its arm like he belongs there. It infuriates Hide so he stares with the hope that he’ll notice, feel bad, embarrassed. His sister has her arms crossed, long brown hair tied up in a ponytail, face pinched, reminds him of their mom.
“We’re offering you a home. We’ll give you job security, a bi-weekly stipend, food, just for your service. Where else will you go?”
“I’d go literally anywhere before I became a murderer.” She points her glare at Hide, raises her eyebrows. “Right, Hide?”
The man on the couch ‘tsk’s, looks towards his partner who steps forward. At last. “I saw my parents’ entrails in the hands of a ghoul. Walked in after school let out, and there they were on the floor. I was nine. He looked like a demon - something about those eyes. It’s been years and I’m able to remember those eyes better than I can my parents’ voices.”
“It’s not the ghoul’s fault.”
“He smiled at me. His face is covered in their blood and he smiles, says that he’ll find me when I grow up nice and strong. Is that my fault?”
“No, but - ”
“My parents’ fault?”
“You’re not listening to me.”
Hide’s been through this a hundred times. He expects it now, doesn’t know why but he can feel it coming long before it happens, the First Decision. When he found his parents dismembered, empty, he took a deep breath, faked it out in a scream, because it’s now, it’s happening, what his life was made for had finally started.
The First Decision is a forked path, eventually branching off into a mishmash of banal choices leading to something big. He doesn’t know what, forgets by the time he makes it here, but there’s an innate knowledge, like knowing up from down, that drives him forward.
“She’s eighteen. If she thinks she can live on her own, she can do it.”
“Exactly.”
The man on their couch turns towards Hide, steely. “How about you, son? Do you want to live with your sister or do you want to join the CCG?”
He doesn’t look at his sister.