Chapter Text
Soap: L.T., Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment...at all?
Ghost: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.
Soap:
My friends say I'm the most charismatic out of the group.
Reader:
Well, you always have a smile on your face.
Soap:
Thank you.
Reader:
Reader:
What drugs do you take?
Price:
You need a hobby.
Reader:
I have a hobby!
Price:
: Scaring Soap in a clown mask at 3 AM isn't a hobby.
Reader, with a headache:
Advil me up, daddy.
Ghost:
I will short out the language centre of your brain if you say anything like that ever again.
Soap:
Hey, Ghost, what do you think it would be like if we had kids?
Ghost:
What would it be like? Inconvenient, mostly.
Soap:
No, I mean, what would they be like, the kids? You ever think about it?
Ghost:
Can't really say I have.
Soap:
You know, for someone as eccentric as yourself, you can be boring as fuck sometimes.
Ghost:
Sorry, Soap. For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl. Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody
Ghost:
Well, remember when Soap made a romantic dinner for me?
Reader:
Ghost, he microwaved you a pizza
Price:
Why did you leave Wrestlemania on for the cats?
Gaz:
They need to learn how to protect us.
Ghost: What do we say when making bread?
Gaz, glumly:
That's the dough rising.
Ghost:
And what do we NOT say?
Reader, sadly:
That's the yeast fucking.
Reader:
Can we go out to get icecream?
Ghost
: Did you ask Gaz?
Reader:
He said no.
Ghost:
Then why did you ask me?
Reader:
he’s not the boss of you.
Ghost, internally:
It's a trap, it's a trap, it's a trap.
Ghost:
It's pretty cold outside.. wanna hold hands? We should stay close.
Soap, blushing:
Okay.
Reader:
It's fucking summer.
Ghost: Sometimes I wonder if I’m hearing voices.
Ghost: Then I remember that’s the last bit of sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a reasonable time.
Gaz, trying their first ever cup of coffee: I am ENERGY!
Price, an avid coffee drinker, on their twelfth cup of the day: Someone slap me awake or I am literally going to fall into a coma in ten seconds.
Gaz: Get your hand off my rifle!
Reader: There's like a million other rifles.
Gaz: Take that one, it has a flower on it. Girls like flowers.
Reader: *hits Gaz with the stock* Oops! Now this one has blood on it.
Reader: Why is Soap crying on the floor?
Gaz: he’s drunk.
Reader: And?
Gaz: he saw a picture of Ghosts spouse.
Reader: But he is Ghosts spouse.
Gaz: I know.
Soap: So I can either do something dumb that could very well get me injured or I can listen to Gaz and not do the thing,
Soap: Well there’s a clear right answer here.
Soap: *proceeds to throw five packs of mentos into a barrel full of diet coke*
Soap: Knock, knock.
König: Who's there?
Soap: Boo!
König: Boo who?
Soap: Why are you crying?
König: I'm not crying.
Soap: Hello notcrying, I'm Soap.
Reader, very tired: Can I sleep in your bed?
Gaz: *half asleep* Reader, this is a queen-sized bed. That means it’s for *gestures vaguely to themself* the Queen.
Reader: I am a responsible adult!
Soap: *raises brow*
Reader: I am an adult.
Ghost, to Reader: I'm leaving for the weekend, so I hid 100 dollars in your room for food. Clean your room, and you will find it.
Reader: *looks at König*
Reader: Baby boy. Baby.
Reader: *looks at Graves*
Reader: Evil.
Gaz: Do you guys ever have a civilized conversation that doesn't require insulting each other every time you get a chance?
Soap: No.
Ghost: No.
Gaz: Didn't think so.
Soap: Now, if I may speak for good-looking people everywhere...
Reader: Only as their rodeo clown.
Ghost:
Whether or not I pay income taxes is none of the government's business.
Soap:
No, well, actually, it is.
Ghost:
You don't know my name or what I look like, good luck mate
Soap, texting Reader:
Reader there’s a spider on the outside of the bathroom door can you get rid of it?
Soap:
Pls hurry because I’m going to cry
Soap:
Reader
Soap:
Reader
Reader:
Reader is dead. You’re next. Love, Spider.
Ghost: *Picks up hammer and breaks ringing cell phone.*
Ghost:
I'm bored.
Reader:
Wanna commit first degree murder?
Ghost:
…. Yes
Price, hearing them:
No- Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put Graves down!
Ghost: We both look very handsome tonight.
Soap : You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you."
Ghost: I couldn't take that chance
Ghost: I have no respect for Santa. Don’t sneak in through the chimney and undermine my authority by bringing my family presents. Walk in through the front door and fight me like a man
Soap :
Are you ready to commit?
Ghost:
Like, a crime or a relationship?
Kidnapper:
I have your partner.
Roach:
What? I don't have a partner...
Kidnapper:
Then who just called me a lowlife bitch and spit in my face?
Roach:
Oh my god, you have Reader
Soap : So I have made the decision to trust you.
Ghost: A horrible decision, really
Soap :
That's it, I'm cutting off the internet!
Roach:
No, please don't! I have a family to feed!
Soap :
Soap :
What?
Roach:
I need to feed my Neopets!
Shepherd :
Did you take out Ghost as I requested?
Soap:
Ghost has been taken out, yes.
Shepherd :
You have my grat-
Soap:
It was a great restaurant.
Soap:
We had a romantic candlelit dinner.
Soap:
Ghost proposed afterwards- we’re filing the wedding papers.
Soap , to Ghost: I'll be under the mistletoe when you start feeling desperate!
Soap:
I'm driving.
Ghost
, out of view: Shotgun!
Reader
, turning to face
Ghost:
Aww! But you had it on the way here-
Everyone except
Ghost:
WOAH-
Ghost
, holding a shotgun: No! I found a shotgun! And I want the front seat! * Pumps gun *
Ghost:
I woke up and chose VIOLENCE. I WILL COMMIT ARSON AND BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!!! I AM ANGRY-
Soap:
Awwww, you're so adorable! Give me a hug~
Ghost:
Wh- What? NO, YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF ME! TREMBLE BEFORE MY WRATH-
Reader
, recording: This is so cute.
Price
, driving
Roach
and
Reader:
So how was the mission?
Roach:
We almost got surprise adopted!
Price:
What?
Reader:
We almost got kidnapped.
Price:
Oh, okay.
Price:
* slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?!
Soap: Roach, what do IDK, LY, and TTYL mean?
Roach: I don't know, love you, talk to you later
Soap: Ok, I love you too, I'll just ask Reader.
Soap:
I really like this whole 'good guy, bad guy' thing you guys have going on.
Reader:
It's not an act, it's just that I'm mean and
Roach
isn't
Soap:
Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?
Roach:
You're a hazard to society
Reader:
And a coward. DO TWENTY.
Price & Laswell miles away :…
Price :…
Laswell :… John?
Price, stands up :…. somethings happening
Roach:
I am going to need you to swear-
Reader:
Fuck.
Roach:
Roach:
...swear as in promise.
Computer:
Please enter a password.
Reader:
*types in Roach*
Computer:
Your password is too weak.
Reader:
How fucking DARE YOU-
Reader:
WHY DID YOU KILL HIM?! HE COULD HAVE HAD HOPES AND DREAMS, HE COULD HAVE HAD A FAMILY!!!
Gaz:
Reader-
Gaz:
It- it was just an ant-
Price:
Swear words are illegal now. If you say one you'll be fined.
Soap:
Heck.
Price:
You're on thin fucking ice.
Price:
Oh no-
Price:
I was going to suggest we do Marilyn Monroe and JFK roleplay, but I’d get way too into it.
Reader:
What- how?
Price:
You’d be like “come to bed … Mr. President” and I’d be like, “I need to increase the amount of American military advisors in South Vietnam by a factor of 18.”
Roach:
Reader, I need some advice.
Reader:
You need advice from ME?
Roach:
Yeah, frightening, isn't it?
Ghost:
Don't worry, I've got a few knives up my sleeve.
Roach:
I think you mean cards.
Gaz:
He did not.
Ghost, pulling out knives:
I did not
Ghost:
Something’s off.
Roach:
Maybe you’ve finally developed human emotions and feel bad for hurting people.
Ghost:
No, but that’s funny.
Reader:
You don't think I can fight because of my gender!
Price:
I don't think you can fight because you're in a wedding dress. For what it's worth, I don't think Roach can fight in that dress either.
Roach:
Perhaps not. But I would make a radiant bride.
Reader:
I have the sharpest memory here - name one time I forgot something!
Roach:
You left me, Price, and Ghost in a Walmart parking lot at 2am a day ago.
Reader:
I did that on purpose, try again
Price:
Just say when.
Reader:
When.
Price:
I-
Price:
Now or later?
Reader:
Oh.
Ghost:
Know why I called you in here?
Soap:
Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic.
Ghost:
*Stops pouring two glasses of wine.* Accidentally?
Reader:
*on the phone* Hey Price, do you know my blood type?
Price:
Of course, it's B-.
Reader:
Oh, I guessed wrong. Excuse me, nurse-!
Reader:
I didn't drink that much last night.
Soap:
You were flirting with Price.
Reader:
So what? He’s my partner.
Soap:
You asked if he was single.
Soap:
And then you cried when he said he wasn’t.
Alejandro:
Are you a cuddler?
Reader:
I'm a machine of death and destruction.
Alejandro:
Reader:
...Yeah, I'm a cuddler.
Reader:
Don’t worry, I have a permit.
Alejandro:
...This just says “I can do what I want”.
Alejandro:
I am in charge of this disaster!
Reader:
I have a name, you know.
Alejandro:
I have feelings for you.
Reader:
Why? What's wrong with you? Are you sure you're okay?
Reader: Alejandro, do you love me?
Alejandro: Of course I do!
Reader: Would you still love me if I did something bad?
Alejandro: Well, of course I… would…
Reader: I mean something really, really—
Alejandro: mierda… what did you do?
Kidnapper:
We have your child
Rodolfo:
I don’t have a child?
Kidnapper:
Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crusts off their sandwich?
Rodolfo:
Oh god, you have Reader
Alejandro:
I love you.
Reader, not paying attention:
What was that?
Alejandro:
I said I’m selling you to the zOo-