Chapter Text
Anakin Skywalker is aggressive, hot-headed and stubborn but underneath all those hard layers lies an undeniable kindness that Obi-Wan is so very much fond off. The young boy was eager to learn, eager to please and eager to dominate; to be the very best out of all the other Padawans although he had a late start, being much older than his peers in comparison to when they themselves were taken from their family to be trained as Younglings.
That did little from stopping the little Tatooine boy from becoming the best out of all the Padawans.
Obi-Wan and Anakin was a strange Master and Padawan duo in the eyes of others within the Jedi Temple and Obi-Wan was very aware of this. He was not yet a Jedi Master, but rather still a newly knighted Jedi Knight. He was too young; looked too young and still not experienced enough to fully be considered a Master and Anakin… well, Anakin was already special on his own, from his problematic temperament to his incredible abilities.
The Jedi Council had many doubts regarding the training of the Chosen One and Obi-Wan did not blame them for he had doubts himself. The Jedi Council had many doubts; doubts of Anakin’s powers, not that he wouldn’t be good enough but afraid that the boy would be too great; doubts that Obi-Wan Kenobi was too young to take on the little boy from Tatooine when it wasn’t supposed to be him but Qui-Gon Jinn.
There were many, many complicated things to consider regarding this special little human being but most of all, Obi-Wan himself doubted that he could be a good Master to his Padawan. The Force was truly wonderful, for it sings loudly to Anakin, the boy’s senses so sensitive and attuned to it that it came to him so naturally, becoming a part of him like it belonged there; like a body part Anakin was missing. Anakin was powerful with the Force and Obi-Wan knew. No, it is not the physical abilities of Anakin Skywalker in his Jedi training that Obi-Wan Kenobi was worried about.
It was the Code.
And Obi-Wan had never doubted his ability more than ever in this moment.
“Anakin, you must listen to me. You must fix your manners.” Obi-Wan was gentle but firm as he spoke to Anakin, who was sitting and fiddling with droid parts on the floor matt in their shared quarters. It had already been a year since Anakin became his Padawan, the little boy turning ten not too long ago and Obi-Wan sighed, wondering if his apprentice had learnt anything at all about Jedi ethics ever since he came to Coruscant.
“But Master! They were being unfair! They were talking about you!” Anakin’s young voice grounded out, throwing the parts on the floor in frustration only to pick them up seconds later, continuing to fiddle with them without meeting his Master’s eyes. Obi-Wan softens his stance a little at his Padawan’s outburst; sighing quietly as a smile threatened to spill on to his face. He found Anakin to be quite endearing at times.
“About me? What could you Padawans possibly be discussing about me?” Obi-Wan asked, his left eyebrow raised in questioning as he ran a deft hand over his long, auburn hair.
“They’re jealous of me! Other Padawans were saying how they wished you were their Master because you’re younger and nicer than the other Masters… But you can’t! Because you’re my Master!”
Surprised would be an understatement. Shocked was a little more accurate as to how Obi-Wan was currently feeling. Those were signs of attachment, something a Jedi was forbidden from. My Master? There was no ‘my’, ‘mine’ or ‘yours’ or anything similar to that regard in the Jedi’s vocabulary! Possession is forbidden.
But Anakin was only ten, so Obi-Wan sighed and went to sit next to his Padawan learner.
“Anakin, you know that I am your Master. You don’t have to worry about me taking on another Padawan.” Obi-Wan smiled gently, hoping that it would soothe some of the worries Anakin was projecting through their Master-Padawan Force bond though in reality, he was hoping it would soothe his own worries about his Padawan himself. The Code is a must in the Jedi world; it is the fundamental, the foundation and Obi-Wan was doing a bad job at teaching Anakin those things.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
The Jedi Knight must meditate on this later on.
“But what if you do?” Anakin whispered, turning to face his Master with a sulky face and Obi-Wan came to the realisation that Anakin was just a child. He had no one else to rely on, nobody to hug or hold or cry to other than Obi-Wan himself. Anakin was worried about being alone or being abandoned. After all, he was a long, long way away from his mother.
“I won’t, little one. After all, you are my Padawan.”
Kark. Perhaps that was the wrong thing to say. The last thing Obi-Wan wanted to do was to indulge Anakin in his behaviour but it was difficult not to when the little boy would always give him such a bright, toothy smile when he did like this moment, looking up at his Master like he was the entire Galaxy to him. Obi-Wan sighed once more. The young Jedi Knight found himself doing it a lot more recently. He must stop. Sighing could become a bad habit.
Suddenly, contradictory to how he had always felt too young, the Jedi Knight felt old, missing his own Padawan braid and cropped-short hair. The juxtapose would’ve been humorous only if it didn’t remind Obi-Wan of painful memories.
He missed Qui-Gon. It was in these times where he doubted his own abilities as Anakin’s teacher that he couldn’t help but wish his former Master was here; wish that he could receive his guidance. His former Master would have known what to do; would know how to be firmer, stricter and sterner in teaching Anakin. His former master was adequate and mature and so unlike him.
Suddenly, Obi-Wan felt heavy; heavy with worries about his bright and powerful Padawan that – Obi-Wan believed with his entire heart – was destined to bring the balance to the Force; but with so much potential to do bad if not taught right.
However, the thing that scared Obi-Wan even more than he had thought it would wasn’t Anakin’s possessiveness. Wasn’t Anakin’s clouded future. It was his fondness for little Anakin that Obi-Wan Kenobi was afraid of.
He found himself indulging more and more each day to Anakin, listening and bending his will to Anakin though he tried not to and along the way, making up excuses to do so. Anakin was just a child (which was true), Anakin was just lonely without anybody else to depend on (which was also true) but the Jedi path was not an easy one. Rules aren’t meant to be broken, they are to be followed although each passing day Obi-Wan was finding it more and more difficult to stick with the Code and only the Code. His fondness and adoration for his Padawan was dangerous and it scared him because Obi-Wan was afraid that like Anakin, he was becoming attached.
The Jedi Council would not approve.
Obi-Wan could only hold onto the shaky hope that maybe as time passes and Anakin grows older, the young Padawan would grow out of his attachment and possessive behaviour.
Obi-Wan Kenobi was wrong.
As Anakin got older, his grip on Obi-Wan’s tunic only got tighter; his glare to others harder though he had learnt how to hide them; to control them. Though it was hard for Anakin to completely let go of his bad habits, there were improvements. He learnt to be more respectful towards the Council and to follow Obi-Wan’s judgment yet it was still difficult for Anakin to listen without arguing. They often meditate together, though it was all because Obi-Wan had forced his Padawan to; sitting cross-legged together in the dim and quiet room and reciting the Code. Obi-Wan had found that even if it was a troubling task to Anakin – who would always complain, twisting and turning in his seat – meditation did in fact, help.
No matter how troublesome it was to get started, Anakin had always calmed as they murmured the Code with their eyes closed, their Force bond gently humming around them. It is usually in their meditation sessions that Anakin’s thoughts trailed out through their bond, letting Obi-Wan read them. Sometimes, it was the boy’s worries about his mother, the Jedi, his abilities and the pressure on his shoulders; other times, it would be about trivial matters like what they would have for dinner, or the star systems and planets in the Galaxy. Sometimes, it would be memories about pod-racing, the very thing that made the boy’s childhood somewhat enjoyable before his fateful meeting with Qui-Gon. Sometimes, very rarely, it would be about Obi-Wan himself. Complaints about his lectures, yes; but also, about the way he…looks.
At first it was only one worded thoughts like blue, or pale, or kind and Jedi. However, as time went on and the duo continued their meditation sessions together, more of Anakin’s thoughts poured out. It was like the fifteen year old Padawan was unaware of his revealing thoughts, the calming aura around the cool room letting him relax and making him content.
Obi-Wan’s shield was often up, not tight but guarded against Anakin’s. The boy stayed unknown to this action, unbothered and unquestioning about the unreciprocated thoughts from his Master. The Jedi Knight started picking up on sentences, short ones to longer ones until he could almost scarily read and feel every thoughts and emotions of Anakin without making an effort to do so as they flood his senses the moment Anakin closed his eyes and concentrated.
Master’s eyes are so blue…but green? It’s so kriffing hot today. Master’s too pale, does he get no sun at all? I miss you, mom. Kriff the Council, what do they know anyway? I hate the Council. Kriff the Code, it’s a bunch of Bantha Poodoo anyways. Why is Master being so nice today? Masters’ kind and a good Jedi. He’s friendly. He’s pretty… I like his long hair. Why were the other Padawans talking about Master? He’s mine. Kark, I want something to drink. My left foot is itchy but Master will kill me if I move. I hate everyone. How dare they talk about Obi-Wan? He’s. Mine.
Obi-Wan Kenobi was, in fact, wrong.
The Jedi Knight had thought that as Anakin grows older, the boy would abandon these possessive behaviours and thoughts, becoming more level-headed and Jedi-like. On the surface level the young Padawan sure seemed like it, seemingly growing more mature and obedient though it was nothing but a facade. All he got better at was hiding them, harbouring these twisted emotions inside only to spill them out to the Force once he’s content and calm, without being constantly guarded and cautious of his true thoughts and feelings around others; around Obi-Wan.
There is no emotion, there is peace.
Attachment is forbidden.
Anakin was fifteen and so very young though he had already preceded Obi-Wan when he was his age in skills. He was wonderful with a lightsaber. Though careless and impatient, he was indeed skilful and passionate, his strokes and strikes precise and powerful. There was no doubt about it. The Force bends at his hands, like it knows the boy is the Chosen One. Anakin was always juggling either fruits or inanimate objects around their quarters with the Force as he laze around their couch in his free time. Once, with an unconscious tip of his finger, Anakin had shattered a ceramic bowl as he tried to place an apple in it all the way across the entire quarter. Sorry Master, was all Anakin said but by tight-lipped smile on Anakin’s face, threatening to break out in a laugh, Obi-Wan could tell he was not sorry at all.
His Padawan was wonderful in many ways, but his thoughts were bound to betray him.
Anakin’s thoughts worried Obi-Wan immensely, who eventually spent more and more time in his own little room studying about this certain set of behaviours, looking through books ranging from Jedi ethics to the hormonal period of a teenager. Obi-Wan went out of his way and accessed the available Holocrons, going through Jedi Masters’ teaching and Padawan behaviours. As he searched deeper, spent more and more time in perfecting his knowledge in the hope of becoming a better Master to Anakin, Obi-Wan became even more reserved than he already was, not leaving his room unless he had to. He encouraged Anakin to join him for meditation sessions more often than he would’ve liked, eager to read into his thoughts to learn more as the Padawan unknowingly lay them out to him as stark as day light.
Obi-Wan felt guilty for invading Anakin’s privacy (if it could even be called that) but he could not afford to stop. How else would he be able to know about these things from Anakin? About his possessiveness, his fear, his jealousy, his wants and needs and worst of all, his anger? Anakin was fifteen. He was a teenager. He learnt to keep negative things to himself other than the outburst he occasionally has, unable to release his emotions into the Force so instead, harbouring and chaining them inside until they got so heavy that it was inevitable that they would be spilled out unconsciously.
Perhaps Obi-Wan was a terrible teacher.
It could be very dangerous if a skilled individual were to tap in Anakin’s mind. It would be very easy to manipulate him then.
It was after a particular consultation that Obi-Wan had with the Jedi Council, as he entered his shared quarters with his Padawan that Anakin pounced on him, jumping to hug the Jedi Knight out of nowhere, gripping his tunic tightly. The action shocked Obi-Wan to a standstill. When had his Padawan grew to be the same height as him?
“Anakin! What are you doing?” Obi-Wan asked, surprised at Anakin’s sudden course of action. His Padawan let go of him but made no move to step back, his face suddenly a level of serious Obi-Wan had never seen before on his young features.
“Master, who’s bothering you?” Anakin’s eyes were so blue, Obi-Wan would’ve gotten lost into them had they weren’t in this situation.
“What do you mean ‘who’s bothering’ me?”
“Well, you’ve been holed up in your room for weeks! I couldn’t feel you through our bond no matter how hard I try. It was muted! Whenever I speak to you, you only reply in one word answer, your mind always seem to be somewhere far away. You don’t even look at me! We only ever meet eachother at meditation sessions nowadays. I’m always training with other Padawans and you’re; I don’t know,” he throws his hands up in frustration, eyes darting left and right, “you’re always somewhere else! When was the last time we ate breakfast together?”
Anakin’s frown was severe, his voice heavy but deliberate. Obi-Wan realised they were still standing at the doorway. He crossed his arms defensively. Anakin was right; when was the last time they ate breakfast together? Obi-Wan grimaced internally. Perhaps in his journey of wanting to help Anakin, he’s been unintentionally ignoring him.
“My young Padawan learner, I can assure you that nothing is going on with me.” Obi-Wan offered a reassuring smile, hoping to ease some of the tension his Padawan was wearing. He placed a hand on Anakin’s shoulder. He did not expect for Anakin to grab it in a painful grip, lifting his right wrist up and holding it like it will slip away if he even dare to loosen his grip a little.
“Someone’s bothering you; I know it. Who is it? Tell me. I’ll kriffing kill them. Kark, I’ll kill them right now!”
To say Obi-Wan was horrified is a massive understatement.
“Anakin! Let go of me, now.” Obi-Wan grounded out, eyes narrowing. Anakin deflated a little, hand still gripping Obi-Wan’s small wrist with that unbearable strength, eyes equally as furious. He knew Anakin had many troubles with his behaviour, but he never knew just how much his Padawan could be assuming things.
“No. Tell me who’s bothering you.”
“Anakin! I will not ask again.” Obi-Wan wanted to scoff. Such disrespect was impossible to achieve even for Anakin, though his Padawan surely did reach it. With great reluctance, Anakin let go of Obi-Wan’s wrist, his face still holding that demanding look. Obi-Wan rubbed at his wrist. Kark, it was sore. A bruise would surely show up tomorrow.
“Anakin! How many times must I remind you to mind your language? I am telling you now that nobody is bothering me. And if they did, don’t you think that I have all the capabilities to handle it myself?”
“But Master! Who would protect you other than me? You’ve been holing up inside your room for weeks! I’m sure you don’t even sleep. I can tell by the circles under your eyes. Don’t lie to me.” Anakin was scarily observant for a fifteen year old. Then, he muttered, blue eyes trailing to the floor. “Don’t you trust me, Master?”
How could Obi-Wan ever deny his Padawan the truth? He sighed in defeat. He felt tired.
“Come, Anakin. We will sit down and talk.”
They moved to the couch. The temperature in their quarters was cool, and Obi-Wan shrugged off his dark brown robe. Anakin was more comfortable; after all, it was his free day. He was clad in nothing but a simple undershirt and sweats. Obi-Wan had no idea how to break it to his loyal Padawan; that it was in fact the boy’s issues with following the Code that pushed Obi-Wan to find an answer, a way to help him; to become a better teacher. The only thing he could do was be absolutely honest.
“Anakin, you must answer these questions first. Do you enjoy meditating?”
“What has that got to do with anything, Master?”
“Just answer me, little one.” Obi-Wan knew his Padawan wasn’t little anymore but the endearment was hard to let go of. Kriffing hell, Anakin was Obi-Wan’s height, and only fifteen.
“If I was to be completely honest… I’ve grown to like it. At first, I didn’t. I found it too stifling, sitting there for a long time, sometimes hours on end just for me to close my eyes and do nothing. I didn’t like it at all. It was too difficult to concentrate,” he stares at Obi-Wan, those blue eyes so clear and piercing, “but I’ve grown to like it. Recently, I found that when I meditate with you, I find… peace. A contentment I couldn’t seek out before. It feels nice, like I could let go of my emotions.”
Well, Obi-Wan couldn’t say that he was too surprised. Anakin was a lot more obedient nowadays at following his lead in their sessions, sitting still and face looking both passive but focused at the same time.
“The truth is, my dear Padawan learner, your thoughts are… surfacing. I am well aware that our bond is strong, that we can communicate very well through it,” just as Anakin was about to interrupt, Obi-Wan continued,” however, that does not mean you are welcomed to my mind at all times.” Obi-Wan wasn’t ignorant. During the days in his room, he could feel Anakin’s constant mental probing against his mind shields.
He continued. “In our meditation sessions, I find that your thoughts, feelings and emotions run across our Force bond little by little and eventually, at one point, I could read and feel them just as well as I could feel my own.”
At this, Anakin’s eyes widen like a deer caught in headlights. He started to panic, Obi-Wan realised with alarm and without hesitation, he opened his mind to Anakin and sent out his own comfort and calmness. Anakin visibly relaxed.
“Some of your thoughts, my Padawan, they are quite… interesting. You don’t have to feel embarrassed to scratch your foot, Anakin. I will not scold you for that,” Obi-Wan teased, and Anakin cracks a laugh.
“However, there are also troublesome ones. Like your possessiveness. Your fear, your anger, your jealousy. Your attachment. It is very dangerous, Anakin, and no matter how many times we recited the Code together, your mind and feelings seem to be thinking something different. And I am… I am…” What was Obi-Wan?
“I am afraid.” Force, he had actually admitted it.
“I am afraid that you will fall into the Dark, Anakin. And I am more so afraid that I won’t be able to stop you from doing so as your negative emotions grow. That is the reason why I’ve been so determined and concentrated in learning the minds of a Padawan, on how I can become a better Master for you. I know, Anakin, that it wasn’t supposed to be me but Master Jinn to take you as a Padawan. It is not your fault, but as much as I am incapable of being the best for you, I know I must try my best to help you.”
He had really done it, spilling everything to his young Padawan and in a panicked moment, Obi-Wan wondered if it was the right decision.
Oh well, no use crying over spilt milk.
Anakin, on the other hand, looked solemn, a heavy frown dawned upon his face as he appeared to be in deep concentration, still staring at Obi-Wan. In that moment, the Jedi Knight wished for anything; anything at all from his Padawan. It didn’t matter whether it was anger or sadness. He just needed to hear something. Anything.
“Master. Listen to me when I say this, and listen very clearly,” said Anakin, voice more serious than ever as he grabbed Obi-Wan’s smaller, nimble hands in his larger, warmer ones. Obi-Wan didn’t object.
“No one else, not even Qui-Gon, could ever be a better Master than you to me. Nobody. Master, you are wonderful, and I’m deeply ashamed by my loud thoughts and behaviour that’s been worrying you. I never expected that it would be me out of all people that makes you feel like this and for that, I am truly sorry.” Was Anakin always this mature? Was Obi-Wan blind? Perhaps Anakin was growing up a bit too quickly for him.
“Anakin…”
“No, Master. I am sorry for worrying you. You should never doubt yourself. How could you even say that you are incapable? You’re spending so much time on me, devoting your life to me. I won’t fall to the Dark, Master. You’ve taught me well enough,” Obi-Wan cracked a smile at that. Anakin really had a way with words and the boy knew it too. However, Anakin’s grip tightened on his hands.
“But that doesn’t mean I don’t have my opinion about the Council. It’s stifling, Master. The Code is Bantha Poodoo-“
“Anakin!”
“-and the Council always seems to be criticizing us. Can’t you see it, Master?”
That, Obi-Wan could see, but they were critical for reasons they should be. Anakin was a kriffing timebomb. He’s fifteen, and he’s speaking in this manner. Obi-Wan wondered if Anakin had been secretly talking to anyone else other than him about his emotions and his view of the Council. That would be dangerous, revealing his thoughts blatantly like this to anyone else other than Obi-Wan.
“Anakin, the Council only want to help us, and it is in their best interest to do so.”
“Master;” Anakin groaned, “you always say that, but clearly, they don’t have a good way of showing it.” Anakin glared at the space beside Obi-Wan’s face. Obi-Wan sighed. His Padawan’s temper was still the same ever since all those years ago.
“You must listen, my dear Padawan. Let’s not talk about the Council,” they will talk about the Council later on, “but about your emotions and behaviour. I want you to talk to me, Anakin. And from your thoughts, I know you complain about my lectures,” at least Anakin had actually looked embarrassed at that, “and that you don’t want to listen to them all, but you must. You have trouble releasing your emotions to the Force, Anakin, and I’m afraid if you continue to keep them inside, they will grow to become something dark inside of you.”
At this, Anakin had actually nodded, head hanging low.
“As for your behaviour, that is something I know you are capable on improving. You’ve improved, Anakin, but you still have a long way to go.” Anakin turned Obi-Wan’s wrists inside out, rubbing at the already growing bruise on it tenderly. His wrist surely will be dark the next day. Anakin was staring at it intently, and it was hard to know what was going on inside his head; the Padawan’s shield tightly up.
“I know. I’m sorry, Master. For hurting you.”
Obi-Wan was perhaps a little too lenient on his Padawan.
“Don’t be sorry, Anakin. Be better.” He smiled, offering affection and contentment to Anakin through their bond. The boy looked up at him with a small smile of his own.
Obi-Wan was afraid that by revealing everything to Anakin, the Padawan won’t share his thoughts with him anymore and instead of releasing them into the Force, learn to hide them even better.
I’ll gladly die than to let that happen.
Out of nowhere, Anakin’s stomach grumbled loudly. The duo stared at eachother, then burst out laughing, leaning back against the couch. Force, he adored this little boy. Obi-Wan was ready to do anything for him.
“I can see that you are quite hungry, my dear Padawan learner. Today is your day off, and I have no plans for the rest of the day. Perhaps we should make our way down to our dear friend Dex’s Diner?”