Chapter Text
“And when we walk out hand in hand
And you tell me about your day
Nothing else matters
But all you have to say
And when you wake up far too early
It's a chance to start again
And I don't know what will happen
But I know I want to stay”
Have To Stay by Dido
Simon could feel his anticipation and his apprehension rising as he walked to Gino’s to meet Wille for their date. Simon knew that tonight was the night he told Wille about Azul. Since losing Marna, since Shane left, Simon had decided to just focus on Azul, on the band, on his family. He closed himself off to romantic relationships and simply had fun with people. He never let them get close enough for Azul to enter the picture. He always made sure to keep his heart out of the equation; Wille had changed everything.
Simon had spent the time apart from Wille thinking about him, thinking about his own feelings, thinking about his life. From the moment Simon had first held Azul, he had known that he was forever a different person and that nothing would ever be more important to him than this tiny, innocent being cradled in his arms. When Simon was with her, he never felt like anything was absent from his life. When he was alone though, he often felt an ache for something that he couldn’t quite pinpoint or explain. It was an ache that he had felt even before Azul had been born; sometimes it would lessen and other times it would intensify. When Simon had been with Shane, he had felt the ache dwindle, and yet, it never fully dissipated. Simon couldn’t stop dwelling on the fact that the ache had altered since he met Wille; now it seemed to ebb and flow based on Willes proximity to him. Simon couldn’t stop pondering the fact that when he was talking with Wille, touching him, being held by him, that all too familiar ache was entirely gone as if consumed by the fire the mere presence of the other man ignited within Simon.
Maybe Simon should have realized that Wille was different from the very beginning, from the moment Simon decided to bring him back to his dressing room, from the moment Simon decided that his rules didn’t apply to the other man. Maybe he should have realized it by how deep the ache had been at Willes absence that first morning. When Simon asked Wille to stay their second night together, he had known that Wille was different, even though he had tried to ignore it at the time. When Wille showed up at Azuls Treasures and asked him on a date, Simon had known that he wouldn’t be able to ignore how he felt; this man made him want to open himself up again, he made Simon want to let him in, Wille made the fear of hurt seem somehow worth the risk.
In the time they spent apart, Simon came to terms with his own feelings, and he came to terms with the fact that they weren’t likely to change, and yet, he still felt hesitant and wary. Simon knew how to survive loss, he knew the ache, the hole in their lives a person could leave; Azul didn’t, at least not really. Azul’s mother, Marna, had been Simon, Rosh and Ayub’s best friend.
Simon had been in 4th grade when they all met. From the moment the four of them met, they had instantly become like family. They were rarely apart, only staying away from each other when their parents made them return to their respective homes. As they grew, their connection only strengthened as their home lives became more uncertain and often more turbulent. The four of them supported each other no matter the circumstance. Simon found that the ache lessened when he was around the three of them.
Before their first year at Marieberg, Marna had told her parents that she was bisexual and they kicked her out. She had spent several weeks staying with Simon, Rosh and Ayub before she finally found a permanent home at Kaleidoscope Hearts. For their entire time at Marieberg, Kaleidoscope Hearts would allow her to spend most weekends at one of their three houses.
One night, during their final year at Marieberg, Marna had been staying with Simon. They were laying on his bed talking about love and life as they tended to do. Simon had told her about Peter, a boy he was messing around with. He told her about how he knew it wasn’t going anywhere, and about how discouraged he was at times that the ache would never fully leave him. She had asked if maybe it never would leave, and if maybe it was actually just about finding what lessened its pain. He had thought about her words for a while, before responding that the ache was always much more distant when he was around her, Rosh and Ayub. She smiled and told him it was the same for her. They had moved on to discussing what they were attracted to, what drew them to another person, what qualities and characteristics they hoped that person would possess.
As their conversation had continued, she had asked him if he had ever kissed a girl, and he had replied truthfully that he had not. She asked him if he wanted to try kissing her. He let his eyes wander over her face, down to her mouth, and then further down her body, still partially covered by the blanket. He thought about how the ache was almost completely gone when he was around her. He thought about how much he loved her, how at home with her he felt; he thought about being able to show her that love through his physical care and attention. As he gazed down at her he realized that he was curious what it would be like to be with her in this way. He wanted to kiss her, he wanted to feel her body beneath his, he wanted to know what it would feel like to be with her. He was also curious to know if maybe this was what he had actually been searching for, and if maybe this would make the ache disappear completely.
Afterwards, while still held gently in each other's embrace, they had agreed that while it had been an experience that neither of them regretted, it had also been something that neither of them had the desire to repeat. Simon found the ache to still be present and unchanged. Marna had told him that she was pregnant, and that it couldn’t be anyone else's, just two months before they graduated.
Simon's world stopped; he had never considered this to be something he would have to contend with. For a moment Simon hated his life, hated his luck, hated his situation; then he took in the elation, the joy, the love radiating from Marna. Simon had never seen her look so content, so at peace, so filled with purpose. He had always known that what she wanted more than anything was to raise a child and he had always known that he would be a part of that child's life; he had never thought it would be as the child's father.
After several lengthy discussions between himself and Marna, followed by several more lengthy discussions with Ayub, Rosh, Sara and his mama, they all came to the agreement that, while it might not be traditional, and might not be easy, they felt confident that they would be able to raise this child how they wanted; surrounded by happiness and love and family.
The day that Azul was born was simultaneously one of the happiest and saddest days of his life. The doctor's words faded into nothing as he stared down at the perfect, tiny person in his arms and tried to fathom how he was going to raise her without Marna, how the world could be so cruel as to take Marna before she got a chance to even meet their daughter. Simon stared at the baby in his arms and knew he would give his life to keep her safe, to keep her happy, to make sure she was cared for and loved.
The more that Simon thought about Wille, thought about his feelings, thought about the life he had built for Azul and for himself, the more he found himself thinking back on his time with Shane. Simon had met Shane shortly before Azul was born; their connection had been instant, and intense. Shane had supported Simon through the loss of Marna and through the first few months of Azuls life. Simon had known they wouldn’t stay, and yet, their departure from his life, so close to Marnas death had left him feeling so empty and unmoored, he hadn’t wanted to open himself up to loss like that again. He had surrounded himself with Sara, his mama, Ayub and Rosh. He had focused all his love onto them and onto Azul; he closed his heart off to anything else.
Now he found himself unable to stop thinking about before Shane left; about how contented, how held, how happy he had felt when he had been with Shane. Simon didn’t want to spend his life living in fear of the future and Wille made him feel like the potential risk of getting hurt would be worth any time he got to spend with the other man. The more he thought about it, the more he felt like he was doing a disservice to both himself and to Azul by ignoring how he felt, by keeping himself closed off, by pushing away what his heart was longing for.
Simon checked his phone and realized just how early he was. He went in and asked if they could have a booth in the back, then headed back out front and waited for Wille. Simon could feel himself simultaneously filled with a settled feeling and an overwhelming excitement as his eyes fell on Wille approaching him. As he watched the other man come closer and closer he realized he no longer knew if he had a choice in opening himself up again. He stared at Wille; it felt as if his heart had already made its decision, pieces of himself already belonging to the man standing in front of him.
“Hey.” Simon said at the same time as Wille; they grinned at each other. Simon could feel his heart fluttering as Willes' eyes hungrily took in his face.
“It’s really good to see you.” Wille said. Simon felt his face heating up as he was flooded with warmth at the knowledge that Wille felt the same as he did.
“It’s good to see you too. It felt like you were away for longer than you actually were." Simon said, feeling the ache disappear as he stared at Wille. Wille just stared back at him and nodded a little.
“Shall we?” Simon said, and nodded his head behind him towards the restaurant. Simon watched as Wille looked around, before taking Simon's hand in his; the ache disappeared and Simon tangled his fingers with Willes. He squeezed Willes hand as he felt his nerves settle, and a sense of calm wash over him as warmth and electricity radiated through his body from their connected hands. As they neared the door, Wille kissed Simon's hand before releasing it and holding open the door. Simon felt himself melting at Willes' care, at his bravery, at this moment. Simon desperately hoped tonight was just the beginning for them, and not the end.
“I figured you might like somewhere more private, and this corner is usually quiet.” Simon said once they were seated in the booth. He couldn’t resist the urge to squeeze Willes leg before pulling back his hand.
“Simon, I really like you. So much, it is a little bit overwhelming at times. Before this goes any further, I have to tell you something.” Wille said.
“Wait, Wille. I have to tell you something too. But can we just wait until the end? Please? Can we just have our date first?” Simon asked. He wanted to know what Wille had to tell him, and he wanted to tell Wille about Azul; he also knew that those conversations, regardless of their outcome, would change everything. Simon knew they couldn’t have another night together before they talked, before things changed; he wanted to at least have this one date with Wille in case these were the last pieces of Wille he was ever given. Wille smiled at him and Simon smiled back, knowing what the other man's answer would be.
“I would like that, Simon.” Wille replied. Simon watched Wille as they decided what to order. He felt a little overwhelmed with how easily he could imagine Wille fitting into their lives. Wille laughed at the little hand drawn pictures on the menu, just like Simon had when he had first come here. Wille seemed relaxed and at ease as they looked over the menu and talked about their days. They ended up settling on the same pizza that Simon and Azul usually ordered when they came here. Simon felt a surreal feeling overtake him as he imagined Wille so seamlessly slotting into their lives.
The surreal feeling continued to persist while they waited for their food and Wille asked him if he had always wanted to be a musician. Simon felt himself wanting to tell Wille about memories he hadn’t thought of in years, wanting to share himself with Wille, wanting to open himself up to Wille. He found himself wanting to tell Wille about everything he could and wanting to know everything about the other man. He hadn’t wanted to share himself like this with anyone in a very long time; it was exhilarating and terrifying in equal measures. Once their food arrived, he couldn’t resist the desire to learn as much about Wille as he could in the time they had left together.
“Where was your favorite place to go as a kid?” Simon asked him as they ate.
Wille told him about his brother taking him to the zoo and about how Erik would make up stories about the animals. With slightly misty eyes, Wille told him about how his brother would keep him calm and always find a way to make him laugh. Simon found himself unable to stop a longing for Wille to come with them on their next trip to the zoo. He longed to watch as Wille delighted Azul with the stories his brother had told to him. As Simon watched Wille and listened to him speak, he felt a little overwhelmed by just how much he wanted Wille to be a part of their lives. Even with the short time they had actually known each other, Simon couldn’t stop imagining how much fuller their life would be with Wille as a part of it.
“Simon, I really like you.” Wille said after they had paid for their dinner.
“I really like you too.” Simon replied with a smile. Wille smiled back; he looked nervous, and Simon felt his stomach swoop as he realized the other shoe was about to drop. Simon wished dinner didn’t have to end, he wished that he could just live in this moment for a little while longer; he knew it was time for them to invite the realities of the world back into their little bubble. He waited for Wille to continue.
“I have to tell you who I really am. Or at least a very relevant part of who I am.” Wille said and then paused again.
“Okay.” Simons said, feeling the dread growing in the pit of his stomach. Simon should have known that Wille was too good to be true, that he fit too perfectly into Simon's life, that Simon wanted him, wanted this, too much. Simon once again waited for Wille to continue.
“Wille is just my nickname. My full name is Wilhelm.” Wille said and then paused again; Simon just waited, unsure of what Wille was trying to tell him.
“I’m.. I’m the Crown Prince.” Wille said. Simon stared at him, his mind going completely blank. Simon hadn’t known what to expect, only that it was probably something that would change everything; he would never have guessed this.
“Wh..what?” Simon asked; he felt at a loss for words, unsure of what to say, what to think, how to feel.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just didn’t want it to change things.” Wille said and looked away from Simon. Simon studied him, trying to sort out what he was feeling. Part of Simon felt angry and hurt. How could Wille keep something like that from him? How could he think it wouldn’t change things? Why hadn’t Wille trusted him until now? At the same time, Simon thought maybe he understood Willes hesitation just a little bit, after all he hadn’t told Wille about Azul. Simon stared at Wille’s downturned face and felt a deep sorrow and loss overwhelm him. He felt as if something was being pulled from his grasp, taking pieces of him with it. The crown prince. The crown fucking prince?! This changed everything. Simon waited for Wille, the crown prince apparently, to look back up before he continued to speak.
“It changes everything.” Simon said once Wille finally met his gaze again.
“I know.” Wille said. Simon looked away this time, feeling his heart breaking at the look of anguish in Willes eyes.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Simon asked him, needing to know the answer, even as he knew it wouldn’t change the ache, wouldn’t change the feeling of loss, wouldn’t change how much more complicated the reality of their situation was.
“I was scared. At first, I didn’t tell you because I didn't know I would feel like this, that this is what it would become for me. Sometimes I just want to be me, without the pressure of people thinking they already know who I am.” Wille said and Simon glanced back up to meet his stare. Simon found himself, even now, wanting to hear all of Willes' thoughts, wanting to continue to learn everything he could about the other man. He could also understand this particular desire, it was one of the reasons why he only hooked up with fans sometimes.
“Then why tell me now? Things have already changed between us, Wille. At least for me.” Simon said. Even though he knew this changed his plans to tell Wille about Azul, he was still determined to be as honest as he could with Wille about how he felt.
“That’s why I left the first night. I already knew you were something different, unexpected, undeniable, at least for me. It just felt like too much to put on you. When I saw you again, I wanted to tell you, but I just couldn’t. I was selfish; I didn’t want to resist how much I wanted you and I knew that no matter what I told myself, it would change things. It just felt like so much so soon, and the stronger I felt, the harder it became to tell you. I wanted to tell you again at Azul’s Treasures, but honestly, I was terrified that this knowledge, followed by the time apart would sway your decision. I just didn’t want to lose you, Simon.” Wille said, looking down at the table as he spoke.
“I can understand that, Wille.” Simon said and sighed. Simon studied Wille's downturned face; the truth was that Simon still found himself pulled towards Wille, he still found himself longing to find a way to make this work, and yet he couldn’t see how that would be possible. Would they be able to wander around the zoo with Azul without it being a spectacle? Would they be able to just come here, or would that no longer be possible either? Would Wille be able to come to his mama's house? Simon didn’t see how this could possibly work now, maybe it was never going to, but he still found himself longing to find a way.
“What does this mean for us? Can there even be an us?” Simon asked. He was scared of the answer, but determined to know anyway.
“I don’t know. I want there to be an us.” Wille said, then paused. Simon just waited.
“Wille…” Simon started when Wille continued to remain silent. Simon wanted to know what Wille was thinking, what he was feeling, if the other man thought there could even be a possibility for them to have a future together.
“You…You’re the Crown Prince… What would being together even look like?” Simon asked again, watching his face closely, hoping to decipher something about what he was thinking and feeling.
“I don’t know Simon. I am not out publicly yet, but I also don’t want to hide anymore.” Wille said, then paused for a moment before he continued; Simon just waited.
“I have only been in one public relationship. Her name is Sam. The public didn’t like that she wasn’t from Sweden. I honestly don’t know what the public would think of me, of us. I know that you are seen favorably by the public now, and I don’t know if this would change that, Simon. I can’t imagine everyone will think all that kindly of me, and if that is the case, I don’t want it to impact how they see you. I can’t tell you what it would look like Simon; I don’t know. I just know how I feel about you.” Wille said. Simon could feel himself falling apart at Willes continued care and worry for him, but right now he just needed to know more about what Wille was thinking, about what had happened, about what it might mean for them.
“Did you break up because of the public's opinion of her?” Simon asked as he continued to study Wille, needing to know the answer, needing to know more about what Wille was thinking and feeling.
“No. I would never have let their opinion of her affect how I felt. I can’t say my position didn’t play a factor in things ending when they did though. Deep down, I think we both knew that we wouldn’t be together for the rest of our lives, but without the pressure of it being such a public relationship, I think we would have lasted longer then we did.” Wille said and sighed.
“Thank you for telling me, Wille. I think I need some time to think about everything, okay?” Simon said. Simon still longed to see where this could go, and yet, Wille being the Crown Prince changed everything. It was no longer just about bringing someone else into his and Azuls life, now it was about possibly bringing Azul into the public's view in a whole new light. Simon had never hidden her, but was always very careful about her exposure to the public. Simon knew he would have much less control, if any, around what they would know if he actually pursued a relationship with Wille, the crown fucking prince. Simon knew he would need much more than just this evening to consider the possible ramifications of this decision.
“Of course, Simon.” Wille said, finally looking back up to meet Simon's eyes.
“I will text you, okay?” Simon asked as he stood. Simon looked at Wille and felt his heart breaking a little more at the prospect of leaving, at the prospect of this ending, at the prospect of the ache returning, possibly permanently.
“Goodbye Wille.” Simon said, trying to smile at him, despite the hurt clearly radiating throughout both of them.
“Goodbye Simon.” Wille said, and Simon felt his heart ache painfully at the hurt and resignation clear in Wille's voice. Simon couldn’t resist his need to somehow ease the other man's pain, he also couldn't resist his own desire to feel Willes' skin beneath his lips, just once more, in case this really was the end. Simon leaned down and gently pressed his lips to Willes cheek. He felt electricity and warmth filling him, even as his breathing faltered and his heart clenched again.
Simon stood, turned and walked out of the restaurant into the cold, winter air. Simon walked as quickly as he could, wanting to be out of sight by the time Wille exited the restaurant. Once Simon was far enough away, he stopped and took out his phone. First he googled the crown prince; Wille stared back at him from every picture. Next he texted Rosh and asked her if she could come by the store tomorrow for lunch; she quickly agreed. Simon had hoped that Wille would be coming back to his place tonight and so Azul was at his mamas. Part of Simon wanted to call her and see if he could pick up Azul; he hated being away from her when he didn’t have to. He knew it would only be for his benefit though; Azul had been thrilled to find out she would be getting a midweek sleep over at her abuela's house. He sighed as he slowly walked home alone.
(10:09PM CET)
Thank you for our date
(10:57PM CET)
I don’t want today to be the end
(11:11PM CET)
I still want to send you songs, because this is part of what I am feeling. I Wasted You by Flora Cash.
Even though I still need time to think, I still want you to know how I am feeling. This song is a little bit of it. I Wasted You by Flora Cash.
(11:21PM CET)
Goodnight
(12:43AM CET)
Fuck. I miss you.
(1:37AM CET)
❤️
(202AM CET)
Goodnight Wille
Simon's skin felt like it was on fire, every brush of Willes lips left tingling patches of warmth in their wake. Simon pulled at Willes' back, delighting in the feeling of the soft skin beneath his fingers. Willes' mouth continued its path down Simon's body, until he paused when he reached Simon's hips. Simon opened his eyes and looked down; Wille was looking back at him with a look in his eyes that left Simon consumed with desire. Simon reached out and pulled Wille up. Simon kissed him fiercely, tangling their tongues together until they were both breathless. Wille pulled back, and began to move back down Simon's torso, leaving a beautiful assortment of marks in his mouth's wake. Simon closed his eyes and lost himself in the feeling of Willes lips and teeth and tongue. Simon whimpered Willes name as his hand reached out and grabbed onto Simons, tangling their fingers together; everything disappeared and all that remained was Wille.
Simon woke with a groan. He didn’t know when he had finally fallen asleep. His mind had felt like it was on a continuous loop of thoughts about Willes revelation, about what it would mean, about how he felt, about what to do. His mind would only drift from these thoughts to remember kissing him, to remember how his weight felt on top of Simon, to remember how it felt watching him fall apart. Simon wasn’t entirely surprised he had dreamed of Wille; he had spent a lot of their time apart fantasizing about all the things he wanted to do to him. The dream still left Simon feeling unmoored and annoyed. He got up and tried to continue working on the song he was writing, even though he knew it was no use. His mind was filled with Wille, and he wasn’t ready to put those thoughts into song just yet. Eventually, he gave up and got ready for work. The store was thankfully busy and the morning went by quickly. Before Simon had too much time to worry, it was lunch time and Rosh had arrived.
“Thanks for coming Rosh.” Simon said as the three of them settled in the back with their food.
“I went on the date with Wille last night.” Simon began, and then paused. The whole situation suddenly felt ridiculous to him. How did Wille deal with having to tell people this all the time? Or did they usually just recognize him, and Simon was unusual for having no idea who he was? The whole situation felt fake, not like something out of real life. Simon suddenly felt a wave of sorrow at the thought that Wille had to have conversations like this on a regular basis. He felt like he had just a little bit more of an understanding of how weird, and at times hard, it must be to have Willes' life. Rosh and Ayub just waited, knowing him well enough to know he would say what he needed to when he was ready. Simon took a few more bites before he put down his fork, and decided to just rip the bandaid off. He pulled out his phone and googled the crown prince; he held out his phone to them as he began speaking.
“He told me that he is the crown prince. Like the actual crown prince. This is him; I looked him up when I left and see? That's him; he wasn’t lying.” Simon said. Rosh and Ayub stared between him and the phone with expressions on their faces that mirrored some small degree of the surprise and turmoil he had been feeling since finding out.
“Did not expect that. He certainly is a catch.” Ayub said eventually, with a small grin. Simon smiled just a little; Ayub wasn’t wrong about that.
“Did you have any idea?” Rosh asked him.
“No. I mean, maybe he looked a little familiar when I first saw him, but not enough to where I was curious about it afterwards. I knew he had something he needed to tell me, I just figured it was about his work. He said he traveled a few times a year, and he made references to not being out publicly, and to the fear around coming out in a way that seemed a little strange, but I don’t know. I never thought to look him up and I definitely never would have guessed that this would be the answer.” Simon replied.
“What are you going to do?” Ayub asked.
“I don’t know. This changes everything. I mean, before I was just worried about getting hurt, about Azul possibly getting hurt, now I don’t even know what to worry about. It’s just a lot to process.” Simon said.
“Does it change how you feel about him?” Rosh asked. Simon paused for a moment before he answered; he tried to gather his thoughts and figure out how to convey what he was feeling to Rosh and Ayub. He knew it didn’t change how he felt about Wille, what he wasn’t so sure about was how it changed his thoughts about Wille, about if there could be a possibility of them having a future together.
“No. Maybe it should, but it doesn’t. I think it means we might not be able to have a future together though.” Simon answered as honestly as he could. He still felt just as much of a pull towards Wille, just as much of a longing to be near him, just as much of a desire to have him in his life. And yet, he no longer saw how that could be possible. It had felt scary, and complicated before; now it felt nearly insurmountable.
“I mean, how would that even work?” Simon asked, knowing they wouldn’t have an answer, but still needing to ask. They all remained silent for a few minutes as they ate, each lost in their own thoughts. Eventually Rosh spoke up.
“Look, Simon; no one can know how things will turn out. What I do know is that you and Azul deserve to be happy. Isn’t it worth at least talking about it to Wille more if he could make you happy? At least find out if and how he thinks it could work.” Rosh asked. Simon took a few deep breaths, unable to look at them as he voiced his fear.
“And if he doesn’t?” Simon asked quietly, trying to keep his voice steady.
“Simme, you know better than most people that hurt is an unavoidable part of life. You also know that the best parts of life can come from that hurt. Isn’t it worth at least trying?” Ayub asked, patting Simon's shoulder as he spoke. Simon nodded, feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for his family.
Simon spent the rest of work mulling their words over as he continued to think about Wille. Simon didn’t feel like he was really able to settle until he was finally back home with Azul. The house always felt empty without her, even though he could count on both hands the number of times he had been in the house without her. As they ate, Azul told him about her friend's plans for Christmas. Some of them, like drinking hot cocoa and looking at the lights sounded true, while others like visiting fairies in an ice palace were fantastical stories. Simon's stomach swooped a little as she told him all about this fairytale palace her and her friend had created. It reminded him of the fact that Wille was an actual prince; Simon felt a little like laughing at the absurdity of his own life.
(10:41PM CET)
Can we meet up to talk again?
(10:58PM CET)
I miss you.
(11:18PM CET)
I can’t stop thinking about you.
(11:58PM CET)
Goodnight Wille
As the week progressed, Simon could not get Wille out of his head. Some days he was able to keep busy, and to keep himself from dwelling on the other man until he was alone in his room at night. On other days, Wille was all he could think about and he spent the entire day composing and deleting texts to Wille.
On Thursday when he and Azul finally arrived at his mama's house for dinner, he knew he wanted to talk to her. It was clear that no matter what he did, Wille was already branded into his heart and mind; he was scared. As much as he had been worried about opening himself up before Willes revelation, that vulnerability now felt easy in comparison to the decision he was now facing. Just like last time, once they had finished dinner and Azul was happily playing with Rosh and Ayub, Simon and his mama went into Simon's old room. Simon took a deep breath and decided to just leap in.
“On our date, Wille told me that he is the Crown Prince. I really don’t know what to do now. It feels like way too much mama.” Simon really wasn’t sure what to say, what he was asking, what he wanted; he just knew that he felt completely out of his depth, and he was looking for anything that would help him to regain some of his footing.
“Okay…that’s a surprise.” His mama replied after a long pause. Simon just nodded, a slight grimace on his face. A surprise was a mild way of putting it in his opinion.
“What do you…Are you going…Did you…” His mama began several different questions then paused again and looked at Simon. He knew how she felt; he had been processing the information for days and still felt unsure of how to deal with it.
“Did you tell him about Azul?” His mama finally settled on asking. Simon shook his head.
“No. He told me who he was, and I just couldn’t.” Simon replied, looking away from his mama. A large part of him wished he had stayed and talked with Wille and told him about Azul. However, at the same time, Simon knew he needed them both to have clear heads when he told Wille about her, and neither of their heads had been anywhere close to clear at that moment.
“Todavia quieres?” His mama asked. Simon looked up, a little caught off guard by the question. He knew his answer without thinking about it, and the certainty and immediacy of it was part of why he felt so adrift.
“Realmente lo hago, mama.” Simon said.
“Then you should sweetheart.” His mama said. Simon waited for more, but she seemed as unsure about the situation as he was. Simon sighed, he hadn’t known what he was expecting, but at least he was sure now of what he wanted.
As he lay in bed that night, he began what had now become his routine. He pulled up the messages to Wille and read through them. Then he began to compose and delete message after message, hoping that eventually sleep would take him.
(9:46PM CET)
I still want to be with you. I have to tell you something though, and that something might make being together impossible.
(9:50PM CET)
Can I see you again?
(10:11PM CET)
I am ready to meet
I am ready to talk
(11:00PM CET)
I wish you could come to the zoo with us
(11:42PM CET)
I miss you a lot and I hate it.
(12:30AM CET)
Come to my show?
Please come to my show on Saturday?
(101AM CET)
Goodnight Wille
Simon felt the sun's warmth on his cheeks as his face broke the water's surface. He gazed out at the clear expanse of water, marveling at the beauty before him. He could feel the water surrounding him, keeping him afloat, rocking him gently with its movement. He could hear birds calling and the waves crashing against the beach; he felt at peace. He slowly turned around and began swimming back towards the shore, towards his family, towards his heart. Simon walked slowly toward the two figures, where they sat in the sand.
“What are you building?” Simon asked as he sat down next to them, and watched as they continued to mold and shape the sand.
“Building a castle.” Azul replied happily.
“She said she wants to be a princess, so we are building her a home. We would love your help.” Wille said, looking up at him with so much care and warmth in his eyes.
Simon sat up with a start and rubbed at his eyes. His dream had been so vivid, so pointed, so tempting. He opened his messages to Wille.
(5:36AM CET)
Goodmorning Wille.
Please come to my show today?
Simon’s finger hovered over send for longer than any previous message, before he sighed and deleted it. He knew that, as much as he was fighting it and still coming to terms with it, deep down, he had always known that he still wanted to be near Wille. Simon knew that they needed to truly talk now, openly and honestly. He also knew he needed to tell Wille about Azul, and give Wille his own time and space to make his own choices. As much as Simon wanted to see Wille, wanted to sing for him one final time before things changed irrevocably, he didn’t want Wille to meet Azul until Wille was ready, if he even decided he still wanted to try to have something with Simon after learning about her. Simon also knew that regardless of how he felt about Wille, he still wasn’t sure if he wanted to bring Azul into that kind of a life. He and Wille needed to talk before anything else could happen.
Simon put his phone down and tried to focus on the day ahead of him, letting happiness seep through him as he thought about the show later that day. His favorite shows were always the ones where he could bring Azul and they were too infrequent for his liking. Usually his band played at 18+ shows, but every year right before Christmas, they would play a show for families and he would always bring Azul. The day flew by, and Simon managed to put Wille mostly out of his mind and just focus on enjoying his time with his mama and Azul.
Once they got to the venue he left Azul and his mama to get drinks and headed backstage to check in with the band. As he and the band set up for the show, he couldn’t stop his mind from drifting back to Wille as it seemed to always do these days. He couldn’t stop thinking about how the last time he had performed, Wille had sent him Ultralife by Oh Wonder and he had listened to it before going on stage. The moment the lyrics had washed over Simon, he had felt a combination of elation and panic. Was this how Wille felt? Was this how he felt? Wasn’t it too soon to be feeling this strongly? Simon had listened to the song several times, mind swirling with thoughts and heart overflowing with emotions; as much as the strength of his feelings scared him, he also couldn’t help but feel elated to know that Wille might be feeling the same way, that he might not be falling alone. That night had ended with a string of adorable, albeit slightly scary, drunken texts from Wille. Simon really missed Wille. He sighed as he pulled out his phone again and opened up their messages.
(2:07PM CET)
I can’t stop missing you.
Can we meet up?
Can we talk?
Wille
He put his phone away without sending Wille anything.
Once they had everything set up, he headed back out to check in with Azul and his mama once more before the sound check. Simon glanced around as he walked towards them. He froze for a second when he saw Wille; what was he doing here? Simon hadn’t actually sent any of those texts had he? He turned towards him, knowing he was past the point of fighting his pull towards the other man. As he continued to near Wille, he could feel himself become more and more settled as the ache began to lessen.
“Hi.” Wille said. Simon studied his face; he felt as if he had been starving for the sight of the other man, even though it had been less than a week since their date. Simon didn’t know what he was going to do; it felt like he was past the point of being able to choose to stay away.
“What are you doing here?” Simon asked him.
“I was hoping you wouldn’t see me. I looked up your shows. I just wanted to see you perform again before things completely changed. I’m sorry Simon; I know I said I would give you space.” Wille said. Simon ran his eyes across Willes face, taking in the hair gently brushing his temples, his pleading eyes, his soft lips. Simon wanted to talk to him, he wanted to tell him about Azul, he wanted to talk more about if it would be possible for them to remain in each other's lives in some way. He just didn’t want to do it now, or here. Simon stood up a little straighter.
“Wille, I need to tell you” Simon began before he was interrupted by Azul’s voice from behind him.
“Can I please come on stage with you for the sound check? Please?” Azul called out. Simon could feel his emotions overwhelming him; he walled them up as best he could and turned immediately at the sound of her voice. He crouched down to meet her; he knew she would be running fast, and wanting to be swept up in his arms. Simon gathered her up and kissed her cheek, trying to steady his pounding heart. Simon took a deep slightly shaky breath before he turned back to face Wille, Azul held tightly in his arms. He glanced briefly at his face, and felt his walls close up further as he realized he might have just lost Wille; not because Wille had hidden who he was, but because Simon had withheld the biggest part of his heart from Wille. Simon looked back to Azul and felt the walls come crashing back down as his heart overflowed with warmth as it always did when he looked at her.
“¿Tienes tus tapones para los oídos?” Simon asked and Azul nodded.
“Entonces, por supuesto, puedes subir al escenario conmigo. I was just talking to my friend Wille, do you want to meet him first?” Simon asked and Azul nodded again. She then turned to face Wille. Simon took a deep breath and looked directly at Wille. He wished Wille was finding out differently, however the moment had come. Azul was everything to Simon and he wanted her and Wille to meet, even if it wasn’t how he had planned.
“Azul, this is Wille. Wille, I would like you to meet my daughter, Azul.” Simon said. A look of complete shock overtook Willes' features and he took a tiny step backwards. He glanced at Simon quickly before looking back at Azul. Wille swallowed, then reached out his hand towards Azul.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Wille said as Azul took his outstretched hand and shook it. Simon tried to hold his emotions at bay, knowing that now was not the time to be feeling everything he was. He prayed Wille would allow him a chance to explain.
“Wille, will you please stay for the show? I want to talk to you. Azul will be with her abuela tonight.” Simon said. Willes' eyes continued to dart between Simon and Azul as he nodded slowly.
“Okay.” Wille replied and Simon felt like he could breathe again properly; maybe there was still hope.
“Thank you Wille.” Simon said. He stood there and stared at Wille, hoping this wasn’t the beginning of the end.
“Papaaaa….Let’s go.” Azul said. Simon couldn’t help but smile as he looked back at her and nodded.
“See you later.” Simon said and looked back up to meet Willes' gaze. Wille’s eyes were filled with too many emotions for Simon to decipher; Simon clung to the knowledge that Wille had agreed to stay.
“See you later.” Wille replied. Simon turned and headed back towards where he had parted from his mama.
“Bye Wille.” Simon heard Azul call out over his shoulder and felt his heart clench a little.
“Bye Azul. I am glad I got to meet you.” He heard Wille call back. Simon continued walking, trying not to think about how overwhelmed he was feeling, trying to just focus on Azul and on the performance.
“We met Papa's friend Wille!” Azul cried out excitedly as soon as they were within sight of his mama and Simon felt himself cringe. He saw his mama raise her eyebrows at him.
“Wille, huh? So you two talked?” His mama asked with a smirk in her tone.
“I… not really… we’re going to talk later. Look, I have to go do a soundcheck, mama. I’ll tell you when there is more to tell. I told Azul she can come for the sound check. Do you have her ear plugs?” Simon asked his mama, trying to convey without words that he couldn’t talk about Wille here or right now, that he needed to talk to Wille first, that now was not the right time for them to talk.
“Okay, but you’ll tell me sometime?” His mama asked as he handed over Azuls earplugs. Simon nodded as he put them in for her. He took a few deep breaths, glanced once more at where Wille sat watching them, and then headed to the stage.
- Love Into A Weapon by Madalen Duke-Simon was scared of opening himself up again, and yet, he wanted a full life for both himself and for Azul. He had vowed to put her first, and he had thought he was doing so by keeping his heart closed off; now he wondered if he wasn’t doing them both a disservice by hiding behind his walls. He wanted Azul to always be surrounded by love and family; how could Simon limit the amount of people in her life? How could he keep trying to keep his heart walled off when it felt like Wille had already found his way behind those walls?
- Have to Stay by Dido-The moment Simon had first held Azul in his arms, he had felt himself change forever. It was hard to describe. In a way, he had been completely himself still; a hundred percent Simon. Somehow that hundred percent now felt like… more. There was more of Simon now, a whole new person that existed inside of him; Simon, the dad, had been born in the same moment as Azul. As Simon had looked at his daughter, this tiny, soft, innocent being that would be entirely his to take care of now, a new kind of love bloomed within him, the seeds of which he had never even known existed. He realized in that moment that he would be there for her, for as long as she wanted him to be, without conditions or limits; he would give everything he could to her.
- Not Alone by Ben Taylor-Simon couldn’t quantify what Marna meant to him. She had been his best friend, his family, a constant source of warmth and comfort and love. Even in her passing, she had still found a way to leave him with her heart. Simon had never thought it was possible to love another person in the way he loved Azul. It was as if half his heart, his soul, his world had been absent, and he hadn’t known it until she appeared, making him whole in a new way. Simon did his best to show Azul how much Marna had meant to him, how much she had loved Azul, that she would never truly be gone from their lives.
- Sit Down Beside Me by Patrick Watson-Simon wanted to have this one night, this one memory, this one moment with Wille before everything changed. He knew he was going to tell Wille about Azul tonight; no matter what happened everything would change after that. Simon wanted to get this last chance to have a carefree conversation with Wille, to have this date, this night with him first. He needed things to be easy, to be uncomplicated, to be simple, for just a little while longer. Simon found himself getting lost in Wille’s voice. Time seemed to slow down as he listened to Wille telling him about his life, his brother, his childhood. Simon realized he wanted to know everything about the other man and he wanted Wille to know everything about him.
- I Wasted You by Flora Cash-As everything came crashing down, Simon found himself regretting all the moments he hadn’t taken advantage of in his time with Wille. They had so little time together, and now it might be all the time they got to have with each other. Simon felt like he had given his heart to Wille without even realizing it, and now he felt like he didn’t even know if Wille could even be his. Could they be together? Would Wille always belong to the public first? Was Simon even willing to bring Azul into something like that? Why hadn’t Simon fully enjoyed the carefree time he had with Wille before it was taken from them?
- Waves by Dean Lewis-Simon knew that Rosh and Ayub only wanted what was best for him and for Azul. He knew that as much as he sometimes longed to go back to the ease of their youth, before they knew the full cruelty of the world, it was also time for him to move forward. As afraid as he was, he knew he couldn’t keep himself closed off forever; he would have to learn to live with his grief and with his hope coexisting, side by side. He knew he would need to reimagine what his life could look like, what it might look like. He knew that he had to talk to Wille, that he had to give him the same choice that Wille had given to Simon. He had to let Wille see all of him if he were to move forward.
- Sober Up by AJR, Rivers Cuomo-Seeing Wille made everything in Simon surge towards the other man. He felt fully settled for the first time since their date, even with the unknown knowledge of how Wille would react to Azuls existence, Simon still felt his mind more at ease than it had been all week. Wille made him feel as if his heart's desire was so clear; maybe all he had to do was fight for it. As he heard Wille tell Azul he was glad he got to meet her, Simon felt his resolve harden; he knew what his heart wanted, and he might just be ready to find a way to fight for it.