Chapter Text
James was alone. Well, not really alone in the physical sense. There were dozens of people around him, men under his command, but that didn’t mean that there wasn’t a gaping hole in his chest where everyone he cared about once was. He was sent back to his command, leaving Sirius Black a horrible pit. James had seen him scribbling over a shoddy piece of paper, and he absentmindedly remembered what Regulus had said about Sirius and Remus. Regulus was quite brave to say that; he must have realised that James wouldn’t say anything about it.
He’d be a hypocrite to do so.
The weeks that James spent alone were the worst of his life: he thought about writing back to Lily and Mary, but he couldn’t bring it upon himself. They were the only people he had left out in the “normal” world - but was there ever going to be a “normal” world to go back to after all of this? After everything James had done, the things he had seen, the visions that flitted past his eyes whenever he went to bed, those were the thoughts or actions of a normal man and it was eating him up inside.
James grew much quieter, even the men in his troop realised, though it would have been hard not to. He had seen Lupin again on his way back, thinking about saying something about Sirius but decided that it wasn’t his place to say.
Everything was so grey now, the air, the sky, the ground - it was like any colour had been snapped from the word. It was the same colour as Regulus’ eyes, the same ones that had gotten glossed over, that had shut once, then twice, and finally for the rest of time.
James didn’t know what to do with himself.
Now that the mission was over, what was the point? Was there really a point at all? Of course, there was, there was his family back home, there was Harry that needed him still, but James didn’t know if he could get himself to go back there.
He was waiting for something, anything at all; he wanted a sign that would tell him what to do, but there was nothing at all.
That was until one day.
It was mail day, nothing out of the ordinary. James may have expected a letter from Lily or maybe even from Marlene - though she hadn’t written back to him in a while. There was an envelope handed to him by a Private that was assigned to mail duty for the week. He furrowed his brow for a second. “Me?”
“Potter’s your name ain’t it?”
James rolled his eyes, a bit annoyed at the Privates sarcastic comment. “Thanks.”
There was an unfamiliar sprawl across the off white paper - a bit loopy, not so much as Lily’s, neater than others he had seen. Whoever wrote his name across the paper was thoughtful about it - maybe a bit too thoughtful. His heart was beating faster and faster; his hands shook slightly as he opened the letter as carefully as his curious mind would allow him.
Finally, he pulled out the letter, just looking down at it for a moment. James took a deep breath before unfolding it.
Dear James,
There was that handwriting again: it was beautiful. James didn’t even know he could find someone’s handwriting to be so beautiful.
I apologise for not being able to get back to you sooner, though seeing as my condition was quite bad for a while, I do not know how many apologies I can actually say.
His mind was spinning in circles trying to figure out who was writing to him. There wasn’t anyone he could think of who would write to him like this.
The last time I saw you, I thought that would be the last. I believe that everyone thought that I was going to die that day - and I truly should have - but somehow I didn’t.
James dropped the letter into his lap in shock. His hands came up to his mouth, body shaking; he couldn’t believe what he was seeing - it couldn’t be true. Hesitantly, he gripped the letter once more, eyes scanning over the scrawl. His eyes began to fill with tears. James’ heart filled with relief and love: Regulus was alive.
I wish to see you once more, though I have no clue when that may be. Currently I am a resident of St. Mungo’s Hospital - for the foreseeable future as well. I hope that whenever you get the chance, whenever you leave comes, that you will visit me. There are a vast amount of things that I want to say to you, though I once thought I would have never had the chance. This chance has arisen and I must seize it.
Until we meet again,
R.A.B
Regulus Arcturus Black
James traced over Regulus’ signature, a smile glowing across his face. Regulus was alive, there was breath in his lungs and beating in his heart. It was one of the best things he had learned in his entire life. He knew that he was going to visit there, as quickly as he could. James could only wish that this war would end so that he could tell Regulus everything he never got to say before.
James didn’t get to leave for another two months.
The time was agonising, each day that passed was horrible - he was waiting each hour of the day to get back home. He and Regulus kept contact with each other; James was sure that was the only way that he could keep himself sane. He kept Regulus’ letters tucked into his tin, right next to his heart.
James had written to Lily as well, telling her everything about Regulus, about his smile, how it was reserved but one of the sweetest in the entire world. He told her how Regulus’ eyes were like smoke and his hair as dark as night. James told her every detail that he could remember, for fear that they would slip from his mind if he didn’t repeat them constantly.
The weeks waiting for that leave call were horrible, but finally it came.
It was like he was relieved of the greatest weight in the world, like he was Atlas dropping the sky.
James packed his things up, made his way to the truck that would take him to freedom. His thoughts raced as he imagined what it would be like seeing Regulus again, if he could truly handle it. The other man didn’t like speaking about the injuries that he had sustained, brushing over them in any of his letters, the only details he would divulge were that he was doing better now, that Sirius knew he was alive, and that most of all he was well. James prayed that the feeling would stay, that there wouldn’t be a surprise infection or anything of the sort.
He couldn’t lose Regulus again after only just getting him back.
The train ride was bumpy; James had wanted to sleep, to conserve all his energy, but it was for naught. He would see Lily, Mary, and Harry first, spending the day with them and the next heading off to St. Mungo’s to finally see Regulus. It was heartbreaking, being so close to the man but not being able to see him, but Lily deserved his presence as well - and James had missed her just as desperately.
He walked off the train and was immediately swept into the arms of Lily, her laugh lighting up the mood. “Look who’s back!”
James wrapped his arms around her waist, taking in her floral scent from the soap she used: he had missed that scent. “And glad to be.”
It was awkward, sitting at the dinner table once more. James had grown far too accustomed to mess halls, or rather sitting on the ground scarfing down whatever meagre bits he was able to grab onto. He looked down the table, watching as Mary assisted Harry in eating - his fine motor skills still needed some work.
James would need to explain this all to Regulus, he needed to know it if they were going to continue… whatever it was they were doing at the moment. James really hoped that they took the next step, that he would be able to call the man his and he would be Regulus’. It would be utterly beautiful: though not as beautiful as Regulus himself.
Lily distracted him from it all, to which he was immensely grateful for. He didn’t know what he would do if his mind was constantly swept up in thinking about the war raging miles away or France or God forbid Regulus.
Instead, he took great notice of the food, a real home cooked meal for the first time in months. It could have been anything at all and James still would have been extremely happy. The food was the best he had ever tasted, like a man dying of thirst yearns for water.
Lily grabbed his hand, telling stories about what she, Mary, and Harry had been getting up to: how they continued to bring flowers to James’ parents’ graves, how Harry had nearly taken his first steps - his heart ached at all the things he had missed, the milestones that had come and gone.
“I tell him all about you, James.”
His eyes grew misty, “Is that so?”
Lily nodded, “Showed him all your pictures, how his father was off being a great man over in France.”
James didn’t feel great, not at all, not for all the horrible things he had done, how he had assumed Regulus had died and left him in a French farm, the way he had nearly choked out some poor teenager: James was not a great man for the things he had done in combat. He couldn’t explain that all to Lily, she wouldn’t truly be able to understand what it was like because she had not lived it, but James knew that she would listen at least. He didn’t want to hear that he was a great man just like how he didn’t want to keep his blasted medal.
James brought flowers; he just thought it felt right.
He hadn’t visited someone in hospital in a long time, not since his parents had passed, so walking through the white halls felt foreign and off putting. One of the nurses had ushered him through - Poppy if he saw right. She was a kind older woman. Poppy didn’t ask many questions; James liked that.
There were rows of beds when James walked in, many of them separated with a white sheet. He passed figures in various states of recovery, some far worse than others. Many of them groaned in pain or were sleeping. He wondered how Regulus got any sleep at all with the noise.
“Here we are, Regulus Black.” Poppy pushed a curtain open, smiling at him. “I’ll leave you two to speak.” There was a knowing tilt in her voice that James’ stomach lurched at. Was he that obvious? He couldn’t be that obvious, if he was that would be a death sentence. The two of them would be sent to jail.
He walked through the curtain and nearly collapsed when he saw Regulus sitting on the bed. “Nice to see you again, Potter.”
“I liked when you called me James a lot more.” He slowly moved to the side of the bed, not knowing if he should sit down or not. His hands had a death grip on the flowers. “I got these for you, Lily helped me pick them.”
“Lily?”
Shit. He shouldn’t have said her name so blatantly. “I guess I have a lot to explain.” James didn’t miss how Regulus avoided his gaze after that, how his expression fell. “It’s not what you think.” “So you don’t have a family waiting at home?” James went quiet. Regulus scoffed, “God, I don’t know why I let myself think any differently.”
“It’s not like that-”
“How can it be anything else?”
“Regulus-”
“What am I supposed to think, Potter?”
James moved without thinking. It was quite a stupid move, especially since they were in public. The sensation of Regulus’ lips against his was marvellous, they were softer now that he had been in hospital, not as dry and cracked as James’. His hands found their way to the sides of the shorter’s face, pulling him desperately closer. This was everything he had ever wanted: Regulus Black.
They finally broke apart, Regulus leaning back, both of their chests heaving.
“Are you cheating on your wife?”
“No!” James cringed, lowering his voice. “We’re together, yes, legally, but not really.” Regulus gave him a blank expression. “Lily and I both wanted kids, but we knew that we were going to go in different directions.”
Regulus spoke hesitantly, “So, you’re not cheating?”
“No, Lily knows all about this, she even has a girlfriend.” He looked down, “We do have a son though, Harry, he’s a very sweet boy.” James grabbed onto Regulus’ hand softly, trying not to scare him off. “I know this is a lot and I never told you because I didn’t want to scare you off. It was a really dumb decision, and I should have come clean, but I didn’t, and I’m sorry for that.” He sat down, leaning forward slightly. “I really love you, Regulus, and I really hope that you feel the same and that nothing that just happened in the past three minutes ruined that.”
Regulus leaned forward, raising a hand to the side of James’ neck. His touch was soft and gentle, and their lips were brought together once more. He relaxed into the other’s touch, glad that he wasn’t assuming too much.
After everything they were finally together again, doing something James never thought he would be able to do. James pulled back, laughing softly, “I didn’t ruin it?”
“A few hiccups along the way.” Regulus kissed the corner of his mouth, “Overall, I think the approach worked.”
James’ heart fluttered, “You feel the same?”
“Is this not an answer enough?” The other's sarcastic nature was endearing. “I loved you long before the mission, that just made me fall harder.”
“I’m glad you did.” “As am I.”
They brought their mouths together once more, James smiling into the kiss. It was stupid, it was crazy, what they were doing was illegal and could quite possibly ruin both of their lives, but James didn’t care. In front of him was the most wonderful man in the world, a man who had been through hell and back, who he had mourned and celebrated.
Regulus was here with him and James couldn’t be happier.