Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“That’s everything.”

Jay plops beside her on their new sofa, setting his glass of icy water onto the coffee table her feet are perched against. The ice clinks against the side of the crystalware as his arm settlers around her shoulder, allowing her to lean into his side easily while he pulls her in tightly to his embrace. Hailey’s cheek rests against his chest, right above his beating heart, the familiar thumping that reverberates against her eardrum is the singular thing that makes this new place already feel like home. 

It’s not their shared bed-frame, it’s not their family photos scattered around the space, and it’s not the artwork she’s been hanging up on empty walls since her early twenties.

It’s him. 

It’s Jay. 

Jay is home.

“Sorry, I couldn’t be much more of a help,” she whispers against his sweat-stained tee. 

“No, you’re not,” he snickers, his chest vibrating underneath her with laughter.

She playfully nudges him against his shoulder. “I am!” 

“Because if you were able to, you totally would have helped, right?”

“Of course, I would have,” she says easily.

“Oh, really? Because I seem to remember when we moved into our place on Indiana,” he starts, tugging her even closer to him. She feels the pads of his thumbs move against her lower back in random patterns - light, soft and delicate movements dancing across her bare skin. Their relationship might not be new anymore, but his touch still had the ability to send shivers down her spine. “All you did was distract me in that white tank top you were wearing.”

“Me?” She feigns a gasp. “I would never do such a thing.”

“Mhmm,” he hums.

“Plus, you had no problem ripping it off of me later that night.”

“Touché,” he says. “I won’t lie, though, it was kind of fun putting Will to work these past few days.”

“Even though you’d rather do most of the work and watch me walk around in a white tee with no bra instead?”

“I’d pick that option any day over my brother helping us,” Jay laughs. “Feel free to take your shirt off now, if you’d like.”

She laughs against him. “You’re so stupid.”

“You love me.” Hailey tilts her head up to look at him, a flood of green and blue meeting in the middle. It only takes a moment for him to lean down towards her and press his lips against her forehead in a lingering kiss. “I love you.”

She’s quick to tuck her head into the crevice of his neck and let silence overcome them, the steady cadence of his heart thumping against her. His fingers find their way into her hair - twisting them into random strands and using he palms to massage her scalp. The last few weeks were filled with sleepless nights, nightmares, and fear, but the way he moves his hands against her makes her eyes flutter shut in contentment. 

She’s certainly glad the silence between them isn’t uncomfortable anymore, but she’d be lying if she said it didn’t make her think any less about where their relationship currently stands. They’ve yet to talk and she knows they need to - wants to, even - but there’s so many uncertainties she’s not sure she’s ready to breathe into the world and face head-on. It’s like they’re in this weird in-between where everything between them is good and fine on the surface, but underneath there’s unknowns and fears and anxieties that they both still need to confront. 

For one - Jay’s return to work was fast approaching and that thought alone riddled her with so much anxiety that it made her want to crawl under a rock and never show her face again.

Because what happens then? What happens when he’s back in the room with the one person who’s turned him into everything he said he’d never be? What happens when he needs to make a case and he’s pushed down the same dark path he’d just seem to come back from? What happens when she’s not around to be his guiding light and he slips back into darkness?

What happens to her? 

What happens to them?

Because sure, right now he’s Jay. 

Right now he’s the person she fell in love with. 

But, does that all go away when he’s back at the district and working cases? Does that go away when she’s back on her feet and healed? Does he return back to making bad deals and crossing lines when she’s recovered from her injuries? The questions that floated in her mind were eating her alive - sharp and bitter fears poking and prodding every inch of her conscious mind. 

“Do you feel better here?” His breath tickles against her temple when he asks, interrupting the streamline of thoughts that would have easily taken over her sanity. “Safer?”

Seven days ago, she woke up in a hotel room in River North.

Six days ago, she told her husband she couldn’t go back to their apartment.

Five days ago, he’d found them a place and signed a brand new lease. 

Two days ago, he’d started moving their belongings in and creating a new safe space for them both to live in.

“I don’t know,” she says softly - guilt consuming her. “I’m sorry that we had to leave our place, Jay.”

He shifts so he can face her, look her in the eyes that she knows are brimming with tears. “Hey, hey, no.”

“I know you really loved it. I really loved it, but there was so many horrible memories there now and it just…”

“Hailey,” he stops her mid-sentence, forcing her to look up. “It’s okay. You needed a fresh start in a new place. It’s alright.”

She tries to let his words sink into her skin, tries to absorb them and let the become part of her own ideology, but she’s not there yet. She’s trying, and she knows Jay couldn’t care less about where they lived as long as they were together, but still - the need to start over somewhere new weighs heavy on her when they had already started making memories for their forever at their place on Indiana.

“And besides, I don’t really care where we live, so long as I have you.”

Her fingers still on his chest at his words, because for the first time in weeks - she feels like they’re on the right path. The juxtaposition of it all has her mind in such a foggy place. She knew they’d always be good, but the words that they’ve yet to say to one another are lost in translation and she knows it’s holding them both back. 

“When Will was over earlier today,” she starts. “I might have asked him for some help with finding someone for me to talk to.”

HIs voice is breathy when he asks, “Did you?”

“Yeah,” she breathes. “I just…I can’t do this all on my own anymore. I don’t want to have nightmares anymore, Jay. I don’t want to be consumed by fear. I want us to be okay, I want us to be us again. I…I can’t live like this.”

“Hailey. Look at me,” he says softly, tilting her chin towards his with his thumb. “I’m so proud of you for taking this step.”

She smirks. “Are you getting flashbacks to when I pushed you to talk to someone?”

“Best thing that happened to me,” he says and the sincerity in his voice is loud and clear. “I’m so grateful that you pushed me to take that step.”

“Really?” Hailey asks. “You never told me that.”

“Hails, there was so many things I hadn’t let myself actually face at that point in my life,” he begins. “If you hadn’t pushed me…I don’t even want to think about where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for you.”

“You’re welcome then,” she grins. “You know, for helping you get your life on track.”

Jay snickers before he says, “I really am so proud of you,”

“Thanks, Jay.”

“As long as you know that I’ll always be here to listen and for you to lean on when and if you need anyone.”

“I do,” she nods. “I know.”

Tell him what you’re afraid of, she hears in her head.

“Jay?”

Tell him you’re terrified of him going back to work, the voice echos.

“Hmm?”

Tell him you think he’s just going to fall back into a pit of darkness and bad decisions when he goes back to work.

“You really need a shower.”

She sits awkwardly on the ivory couch. 

It’s not that she’s never been to therapy before, because she had. 

She’d had her fair share of appointments with an older man named George in her early twenties - right after she’d first moved out of her parents house and was on her own for the very first time. She’d moved out excited to leave the entirety of her childhood behind - all the bad memories would fade and a fresh start was set out before her. The people who’d created such an unstable upbringing for her and her brothers would be left lingering in the past and the thought of that actually had her excited for her future for the very first time.

Her parents however, didn’t seem to be on the same wavelength of thinking as her. 

They’d call constantly - in the morning, during lunch hours, before she’d go to sleep. They’d show up at her apartment unannounced and she’d have to awkwardly let them in while sitting silently on the couch as they spoke to her. And still, they were expecting her to show up for family dinners every Sunday - texting her each and every Sunday asking her where she was or if she was just running late and if she was going to make it.

She needed boundaries. 

She needed to distance herself and she needed to do it the right way - without compromising herself and her own goals and her own future in the process. She couldn’t do it with her parents hovering, she couldn’t do it when the painful demons from her childhood were at the forefront of her mind. She never knew when they’d call, never knew when she’d hear their soft knocks against her door, and it was only heightening the anxieties she wanted to rid of when she moved out.

It had been a lot of work, but George was with her every step of the way - reliving the nights she spent hiding in a closet from her father, revisiting the nights her father would lay her hands on her, reliving the nights she’d have to help clean up the bloody marks on her mom’s face. She’d learned a lot about her parents, a lot about herself, and a lot of different ways to deal with the wavering anxiety and trauma that George told he she’d probably be dealing with for the rest of her life. 

But, in the end, she’d learned that sometimes letting go of everything in your past was the only way to actually move on and survive in your future.

And it’s exactly what she’d done.

She’d cut off all contact and rebuilt a life for herself that she could be proud of. 

She’s let her mom back in a little since then, but even then - their relationship is chalked down to the occasional text message on birthday’s and holidays and that’s about all she can handle without falling back into a dark hole of memories she knew were much better off left in the past.  

She doesn’t know why it feels so different this time around.

This wasn’t her trying to let go of the relationships she’d had, this was about her trying to hold on to the relationship she was in. 

This was about Jay - this was about her marriage.

The best relationship she’d ever allowed herself to have.

She stares at the woman in front of her - she’s got shoulder length hair that she could only describe as the color of red velvet cupcakes. It’s obviously dyed and Hailey can’t help but wonder how often she has to touch it up to keep it looking that vibrant. She’s young - Hailey thinks she can’t be much older than her; in fact, she’s certain she’s fresh out of college and might even be younger than she is.

“Hailey,” she greets when she finally settles down in her own chair. “I’m Aurora, but everyone calls me Rory. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Ye..Yeah,” she stutters. “It’s, uh, it’s nice to meet you, too.”

“So, tell me a little bit about you first,” Aurora - Rory - starts. “Where are you from? What do you do for a living?”

It’s not the conversation she expected to have when she first walked in this room. She thought they’d get right down to business and start digging at her deepest fears and insecurities, which wasn’t one of her strongest qualities. Opening up, sharing her fears, sharing her insecurities - she knew she was bad at it. She knew she had a hard time letting people in. But, Rory speaks calmly, steadily, and for some reason, she feels comfortable with her.

Maybe she could do this. 

Maybe she could open herself up to this stranger and figure out how to get back on the right path again. 

“Chicago born and raised,” Hailey smiles. 

“Really? Oh, how nice!” Rory scribbles something down on her pad of yellow paper. “I’m from Boston myself, but came out here for my masters at the University of Chicago and I just fell in love with it. I couldn’t bring myself to leave.”

Hailey grins. “It’s a great city.”

“And everyone is so nice. It’s nothing like what I’m used to back home,” she replies before leaning into her next question. “And what do you do for work?”

“Oh,” Hailey says - the second half of the therapists’ question had completely slipped from her mind. “I’m a detective for the CPD. I work in the Intelligence unit.”

“Oh, wow,” Rory says, genuine shock in her tone and in her eyes. “I don’t think I could ever do something like that.”

“It’s a tough job. It can be outright brutal, actually, but it’s very rewarding,” Hailey replies. “I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, is that where the injuries are from?” Rory asks, curiosity peaked. “I imagine it can get rough out there in the streets with certain cases.”

“Uh, no, actually,” Hailey shakes her head from left to right. “These aren’t from work. I was attacked in my home.”

“Oh.” The word is short and small - regret looming under her tone. “Hailey, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s kind of the reason I’m here,” Hailey mumbles. She hates how her eyes start to burn with emotion, hates that just the mere though of that day still had so much power over her. “It’s been almost four weeks since it happened and the nightmares are unbearable, my marriage might be beyond repair, and I’m just drowning and I have no idea how to get myself back on solid ground again without completely falling apart.”

She’s shocked how easily it all rolls off her tongue, how easily she’s able to lay everything out for this stranger she just met. As easy as Aurora is to talk to, she knows it’s not all chalked down to that reason. She knows she’s been suffering for weeks - months - before she was targeted in their home. This isn’t just the last three or four weeks that have led to this - this is months of hardships that started the day Jay started slipping further and further away from her. 

Being attacked in her home was the tip of the iceberg she crashed into. 

She was sinking fast, and she needed to float back to the top again. 

“I just… I need help.” She wipes at the tear that manages to slip from the side of her eye. “With the nightmares, with my husband, with my marriage…I’ve reached a point where I know I can’t figure it all out on my own anymore.”

“And you shouldn’t have to,” Rory assures her. “There’s no shame in therapy, Hailey. There’s no shame in asking for help.”

“I know. I’ve had my fair share of it a decade ago,” she lets out with a small smile. “I’m just stubborn. I thought I could balance it all, I thought I could make it all work, but I can’t. I can’t and I need some normalcy back in my life. I want normalcy back in my life. Giving up on my husband, my marriage - it’s not an option. It’s not even in the realm of possibilities for me. I just….how do I move past some of the missteps we’ve had? How do we build that trust back up?”

“Well, I’m here to help you in anyway I can, alright?” Rory smiles. “Where should we start?”

Their hands tangle together between the two seats. 

It’s a weird feeling; for the better part of two months now, her dominant hand had been rendered useless. The feeling of Jay’s hands tangled between her fingers in that hand again had been the most welcoming feeling when she felt him slip his palm against hers. There was no denying that hand and wrist felt sore and tight, but that feeling was preferred over not being able to move it any capacity.

His thumb gently glides over her wrist, the exact place she knows where the fracture was. “How’s it feel, Hails?”

“Uncomfortable,” she sighs. “But, better than it being wrapped up layers of plaster.”

Tell him that you’re terrified about him going back to work next week, the voice says.

“I’ll bet,” Jay agrees.

Tell him, she hears in the back of her head. 

“Not too sad about leaving that wheelchair behind either,” she hums, eying the assistive device in the corner of the room. She then tilts her head towards the side, where two crutches lay against the wall. “It’ll be even better when I can say goodbye to those two suckers, too.”

“Just a few more weeks, Hail.”

It’s in that moment when the three raps on the door pause their conversation, and the voice in the back of her head seemingly disappears - for now; she knows it’ll be back, haunting her until she finally lays out everything going on in her head to her husband. 

But for now, she had this appointment to focus on.

Doctor Westbourne enters the small space, a sneaky grin appearing on her face when she spots the two of them in the corner of the room. “I’ve been informed that you’re x-rays looked great and everything has healed up perfectly.”

“Thank god.”

“How’s it feel?”

“It’s a little sore,” she tells her doctor. “A little tight, but nothing I can’t handle.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Doctor Westbourne smiles. 

She feels Jay squeeze her hand before she hears his voice speak up. “Is there any precautions I should be making sure she’s taking?”

“Not particularly,” Dr. Westbourne hums, sitting down at the stool behind her computer. “The x-ray looks great - everything healed up really nicely. She’s probably gonna notice some of that soreness and some weakness for a few days, maybe a week, but that’s just because she hasn’t been utilizing it. I don’t think she’ll have a problem, but if that continues for more than a week, just let me know. We’ll get her into some PT if that’s the route we need to take.”

“We won’t need to do that,” Hailey argues back. She feels Jay’s lips press against the side of her face, seemingly giving her the courage to ask Doctor Westbourne the question she’s certain she already knows the answer to. “So, about me getting back to work?”

“You’re not gonna be happy with me,” the brunette begins, swiveling in her stool towards the pair of them. 

“So, it’s no,” Hailey says. 

“It’s a no for now,” Dr. Westbourne corrects. “Hailey, you’re only two weeks away from getting the cast off your leg. Let’s get you the rest your mind and body deserve and in two weeks we’ll get that plan into action for getting you back to some desk duty, okay?”

“That’s still two weeks away,” Hailey groans.

“Two weeks,” her doctor answers. “Not a lifetime,”

“Feels like a lifetime,” Hailey mumbles.

“You’ve already managed four, Hails,” Jay says, the feel of his lips moving against the side of her face when he speaks. “What’s two more weeks?”

“I’m bored,” Hailey moans. “I don’t do well with this whole sitting still thing.” 

“I’m aware,” her doctor laughs. “Your brother-in-law warned me.”

Hailey swivels her head towards her left, towards her husband. “Your brother is an asshole, you know that right?”

She hears the way Jay’s chest vibrates with laughter before he responds with, “Is he wrong?”

“He’s still an asshole.”

Doctor Westbourne looks at her - then to Jay - then back to her again. “I’ll see you two in two weeks?”

“We’ll be here,” Jay responds. 

“And you’re gonna let me go back to work,” Hailey adds.

Doctor Westbourne’s laugh can be heard as she exits the room and saunters off down the hallway, no doubt in search of her next patient’s room. She drops Jay’s hands and stands up, about to reach for her crutches when she feels Jay tug her into his arms. She leans into him easily, resting her cheek against his warm chest. His heart vibrates against her, the steady cadence echoing against her ear while she feels his thumb dig little imprints into the small of her back. 

“I’m proud of you, you know.”

“For what? I only got a cast off,” Hailey says with a small laugh. “Hardly think that deserves a medal.”

“Because even with all the hell you’ve been through recently,” he starts. “With the way I’ve behaved, the way I’ve treated you, the attack,” he trails off again, voice small. “You’re still the strongest person I’ve ever known. I love you, and I hope you know that.”

Something about his statement strikes her and forces herself to sink into her thoughts, but still, she falls further into his embrace. The little voice is back though - a constant and harrowing reminder to talk to him, tell him where her head is at, tell him how she feels. 

But she can’t. 

He leans back a smidge so he can look her in the eyes. “You hungry?”

“I could eat,” she shrugs.

“Bartoli’s?”

“I’m always down for deep dish,” she grins. “You know that, Jay.”

“We haven’t been in a while and well,” he pauses a moment. “I think getting that cast off deserves a special celebratory meal.”

She doesn’t know what it is about this moment or what it is about the way his green eyes look down at her, but it hits her then and there. 

It’s Jay.

It’s her Jay.

The one she fell in love with. 

The one who’s going back to work in four days and the one she’s terrified she’s going to lose again. 

Tell him you’re scared, she hears in the back of her head.

“Jay?”

Tell him, the voice says. Tell him what you’re afraid of.

“Yeah?”

Tell him. 

“Never mind.”

“I don’t know how to talk with my husband.”

She’d only met Rory a week ago, and this was only her third appointment with the woman, but as Jay’s return to work inches closer and closer to becoming a reality, the weight of what that means starts to crush against her shoulders. She’s tried to speak up to her husband, tried to tell him she’s terrified and doesn’t want to see their relationship crinkle and dissolve into anything less than it already has faded to, but she can’t. 

No matter how many times she tries to open her mouth and let the words slip off her tongue, she closes up like a clam and changes the subject.

“Okay,” Rory says, sitting back in her own chair. “Alright. Talk to me. What’s been going on since we talked three days ago?”

“Everything is fine on the surface,” the blonde starts. “I’m fine, he’s fine - we’re fine. But, that’s just the problem - I don’t want to be just fine. I want my husband back. I want my marriage back.”

“Okay,” Rory nods. “Keep going. Tell me more.”

“Everything is just a mess,” Hailey says, a wavering tone already settling into her speech as the emotion of the situation gets the better of her. “My husband…he lost himself a while ago. Months ago. He was making bad deals in the box, crossing lines to solve cases, and just making really bad decisions at work.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

“It terrified me,” Hailey admits. “It still terrifies me.”

“How so?”

“He pushed me away when it first happened,” Hailey says with a breathy tone. “He pushed me away and wouldn’t talk to me and he wouldn’t let me help. And then the attack happened,” Hailey continues. “It seems to have snapped him back to himself, but I’m just scared that it’s going to come to an end again.”

“What is it you’re scared of, Hailey?” Rory asks. “I know we talked last week and that we touched briefly on your marriage not being perfect, but we didn’t get too deep into things.”

“Jay goes back to work on Monday,” Hailey explains. “I don’t know, I guess it’s brining up a lot of things he did or didn’t do before everything happened and I just really don’t want to see him slip down that path again. I’m just…terrified. I’m terrified.”

“How have things been recently? How has your relationship looked in the last week? The last two weeks?”

“That’s just the thing though,” Hailey begins. “Everything is fine. He’s…Jay again by all intents and purposes. He’s been by my side since the attack, he’s helped me with anything I’ve needed help with…”

“But you don’t know if you trust it.”

“Exactly,” Hailey says softly. “I’ve tried to talk to him. I’ve tried to at least tell him where my head is at with him going back to work, but I just keep failing. I get so close and I back out. I change the subject and because he’s Jay and he’ll never push me, he lets it go. He won’t push it until he knows I’m comfortable and willing to talk about it.”

“Why do you think you’re so scared of telling him these fears about him returning back to work?”

Hailey looks down at her hands settled in her lap, twiddling with her fingers. “I think if I really think about it, I’m scared that I’m going to find out this version of Jay from the last so many weeks was just a fluke. That he’ll go back to bad deals again, that he’ll blindly follow our boss down dark alleys.”

“You say things have been better though,” Rory says. “Great, even.”

“Yeah,” Hailey replies. “And maybe if I wasn’t so much in my head about things, I could stop and actually enjoy the moments I’ve been having with him, but I’m just scared.”

“Okay, Rory begins. “Look, I’m not faulting you for going in with walls up or being hesitant to trust the entire situation, or him, again, alright? But…you’re not going to know how things will even go with his return to work unless you give him that little bit of freedom to return to normal again.”

“I know,’ Hailey whispers.

“And I know you don’t like it, I get it. I am not faulting you there,” Rory says. “And it won’t be easy, either - to give him that little olive branch to say, ‘I trust you enough to do this right this time.’”

“God, that sounds terrifying.”

“It is,” Rory smiles at her. “It absolutely is and it’s not easy and it might be one of the hardest things you have to do.”

“What if…what if he does fall into old habits?” Hailey asks. “How do I…how do we go forward from that? How do we fix that if that happens?”

“Would you want to fix it if things don’t go easily?”

“Of course I would. I love my husband so much it hurts,” Hailey says, a tear easily sliding from the corner of her eye. “The last thing I want to do is end things with him. I would do anything to fight for our marriage.”

“Do you think he feels the same?”

Hailey pauses to think a moment, because despite her hesitancy to open herself up to trusting Jay, she knows without a doubt in her mind that he’d fight until his final breath for their relationship. Things might be tough right now, things might get tough in the future, but they would always chose each other and they would always fight for each other, too. 

“Without a doubt,” Hailey says. “Jay would do anything for our relationship.”

“Good,” Rory smiles. “Good.”

“It’s just hard,” Hailey says, the emotion builds and builds and builds behind her eyelids and she finds it hard to keep the tears behind the surface anymore. 

“It is hard,” Rory nods. “Relationships aren’t easy, and I’m sorry we’re even going through this together right now, but remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel here. I’m going to be here to help you through this all.”

Hailey nods - it’s all she can do. She uses the back of her palm to wipe the tears that refuse to stay at bay and keeps focus on the hands she has settled in her lap. 

“Talk to your husband,” Rory says with a sad smile. “Tell him how you’re feeling. Let him know where your head is at. He’s not going to know unless you open up and let him back in a little.”

“Okay,” Hailey nods.

“And remember, it’s okay so go in cautiously,” she says. “Keep your eyes open, but remember to keep your heart open, too.”

“I go back to work tomorrow,” he mumbles against the top of her head.

“Yeah,” she whispers back. “I know.”

They’d gone the full day without mentioning the elephant in the room. Awkwardly dancing around the topic they both knew they needed to discuss, frantically changing the subject when their words got too close to landing on the exact thing they were trying to avoid. But, now that the clock is close to striking 5pm and they can’t run from this discussion any longer, he opens the flood gates and breathes the words into their space.

It shatters the bubble they’d been living in, breaking the illusion they’d been living under, and still - she doesn’t know if she’s ready for this conversation.

Keep your eyes open, but remember to keep your heart open, too.

Rory’s words echo in the back of her head, allowing her to take a deep breathe and push through the anxiety she’d been trying to shake for weeks. 

“You think you’ll be okay?” His breath is warm against her skin when he asks. “I can take more time off. If you need me here, I can absolutely take some more time.”

“I’ll be okay,” she says softly, but she knows he hears the wavering uncertainty in her voice. “Thanks, though.”

“I’ll only be a phone call away,” he says with a light voice. 

“Yeah.” She shrugs against him. “I guess.” 

He seems to tense at her words - arms tight, muscles clenched, seemingly sensing her hesitation. He leans back, keeping her secure in his arms, but pulling far enough back so he can look into her eyes. She’s met with a gentle green, his soft gaze giving her that sense of comfort that only he seemed to be able to provide her with. 

“You do you know I’d drop everything if you need me to, right?”

And there it was - the words she seemingly couldn’t get to form on her tongue. 

Because she did and she didn’t all at the same time. 

She knew he’d drop anything for her in her heart, but her head still questioned if he actually would when things went back to normal again. It’s a weird oxymoron - she knows this. She questions how her heart and her mind can send her down such diverging paths. She knows her husband loves her and she knows he would undoubtedly choose her every single time when it came down to it. But, Voight had gotten into his head once already and she’s terrified he’s going to go back to that dark place and push her off to the side once again.

She can’t do that again. 

“Jay,” she sighs. “I think we need to talk.”

Everything seems to come to a shuttering halt. 

Their voices stop and the only thing that can be heard is the soft buzz from the TV, playing their favorite sitcom in the background. Jay leans towards the coffee table to pause the show, remote control clacking against the wooden table when he tosses it back down. But then he’s back in front of her, and the only thing she can hear is their labored breathing echoing off one another. 

“I don’t know how to start this conversation.”

“Take your time,” he whispers, palm resting on the side of her face. “We’ve got all night.”

She takes a deep breath and leans into his touch, eyes fluttering shut while she feels his thumb graze against her cheek. She breathes in and out and in and out, allowing herself to settle the nerves trembling beneath the surface of her skin. 

“I really thought I’d lost you, y’know?”

Jay reaches forward to tuck a stray piece of hair that falls in front of her face behind her ears. “What do you mean?”

“I thought our marriage was pretty much headed towards a falling out,” she says. “I thought we were headed towards divorce.”

“Hailey,” he breathes.

“No, let me finish,” she interrupts. “I’ve been trying to say this for weeks and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it because I’m terrified to hear what your response is or how you’ll react and I just…I don’t wanna lose you, Jay.”

“You’re not gonna lose me, babe,” he breathes into their space. “I’m here. I’m right here.”

“You really scared me, Jay,” she says, the salty tears already brimming at the corner of her eyes. “This thing with Voight…I was terrified.”

“Talk to me, Hails.”

“You…you were…I couldn’t recognize who you were anymore,” she whispers. “You were following Voight blindly, making bad deals in the box, being aggressive with suspects. That’s not you. That’s not who you are.”

He nods along to the words she slips out, but he doesn’t interrupt her. He doesn’t offer a comeback or any remarks - he listens. Truly and deeply listens. She can tell by the way his eyes focus on her, cloudy green iris’s staring deeply into her own blue orbs that are murky with unshed tears. 

“You wouldn’t talk to me,” she’s soft when she speaks. “I felt helpless. I was watching you slip further and further away from who you really are and you wouldn’t let me in and you wouldn’t let me help and I didn’t know what to do anymore.”

She doesn’t fight the tears that threaten to fall anymore, she lets them go and lets them slide freely down the side of her face. She desperately tries to wipe the salty drops of liquid from her cheeks, but Jay stops her hand from doing so with a gentle touch. He takes his own thumb and moves it across her cheek with a certain delicacy, stopping the stubborn tears from falling too far down the side of her face. 

“Hailey,” he breathes. She can hear the way his voice breaks when he says her name, can tell he’s close to breaking his own dam of emotion, too. “I love you. More than I ever thought I could ever love another person if we’re being honest. And the idea…the thought that I ever made you doubt that…”

Jay’s tears fall freely, just like her own, and it does make her ponder for a split second about how the hell they even ended up here. His hand tangles with hers against the sofa, squeezing against her fingers in a tight grasp. She squeezes back a little tighter - for her own sanity, to remind herself he’s here and he’s not going anywhere. Hailey takes her free hand and pushes it against his face gently, wiping his own tears in the same way he did hers moments ago. 

“I’m sorry I made you doubt my love for you. I messed up. I messed up and I can’t go back and change it, no matter how much I wish I could because I would do anything to make sure I’m never the reason for your tears,” Jay says before pausing a moment. “But, I’m never going to stop trying to prove that to you. I can’t promise that things won’t get tough for us, I can’t promise we’ll never hit some bumps in the road, but I can promise you that I will never do to you what I did to you again.”

She nods into the palm of his hand, whispering, “I love you, Jay.”

“I love you more than anything.” His two hands move to cup the sides of her face, tenderly and gently. His thumb grazes her right cheek, gliding it across her skin in soft little circular motions. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the things I did, I’m sorry for dragging you into my mess. I’m sorry for shutting you out and not letting you in. I’m sorry you got hurt.”

“Look, I won’t deny that getting stabbed in the chest twice really sucked,” she laughs. It’s not that she thinks it’s actually funny - but she’s healing, they’re moving on, and if at the end of this all she can get her husband back from the dark place he’d been in, she’s certain she wouldn’t change a thing about how it all went down. “I just want my husband back. I want you back. I don’t want us to be over. I want this - me and you - to be forever.”

“It is forever,” he says. “You and me? Always.”

“Promise?”

“I promise,” he swears. “Nothing - nothing - is ever going to change that.”

“In sickness and in health,” she says with a smile.

“In sorrow and in joy.”

“Forever?”

“Forever.”

She stirs awake at the sound of the shower turning off. 

She flips on to her side to catch a glance in the direction of the bathroom, finding the bright light spilling out from the bottom of the door. Her eyes struggle to stay open, but she hears the faucet turn on and the sound of her husband brushing his teeth behind the white barrier between them. It’s only a minute later when he’s opening the door and escaping the warm ensuite in nothing but a towel. 

“Hey, you,” he hums, catching her eyes watching him carefully. 

“G’morning,” she mumbles. 

“You don’t need to be up with me this early,” he says softly, throwing on a pair of black boxers in the process. “You can go back to sleep, Hails.”

“I know,” she mumbles into her pillow. “I just wanted to be up to see you off for your first day back.”

Jay saunters over to their bed and slips into their sheets once again. She turns her body and maneuvers herself into his side, letting herself fall against his warm chest and welcoming arms. The thump, thump, thump, that reverberates against her eardrum is so soothing that she knows if he stays long enough, she’ll fall asleep in his arms just like this. His fingers dance against her upper arm, his simple touch against her skin enough to send shockwaves through her entire system.

“Gonna miss you today,” she mumbles. 

“I miss you already,” he counters. 

“How is that possible?” She asks quietly, a little laugh escaping between her lips. “I’m right here.”

“It’s possible,” he responds. “You sure you’re gonna be okay today?”

She runs her fingers up and down his bare chest. “I’ll be okay, Jay.”

“And if anything goes wrong and you need me,” he begins. “You’ll call me, right?”

“I’ll call you,” she affirms. “If anything goes wrong or I need help, you’ll be my first call.”

“You can call me if you simply miss me, too,” he says with a sly smile. “I won’t deny a phone call from my wife.”

She laughs against his form, sinking further into his warmth. It’s quiet for a moment - so quiet - the only sound she can hear is the small puffs of air they exhale between them. She’s close to drifting, eyes drooping and breath evening out - she thinks she’s just about to give in to unconsciousness when she hears his soft voice speak up.

“I should be home no later than 7, alright?”

“Okay,” she nods against his chest.

“Unless some big case drops and I get stuck with that, but I’ll call you if that happens.”

“Okay.”

“Call me if you need anything, please,” he says. His lips brush against her forehead, warm and tender and delicate. “Seriously - lunch, a hug, a kiss - just call me.’

“Okay,” she laughs lightly. “I will.”

She tilts her head up, finding his green eyes staring down into hers. She pushes her body forward a bit to Jay meet in the middle, pressing her lips against his in a soft, chaste kiss. It’s not the kind of kiss that’s going to lead to something they can’t finish, but it doesn’t lack any of the love that they know they have for each other. He pulls away after a moment, but she leans back into him, not ready to let him go yet. She lets her lips glide over his in that familiar rhythm they always settle into, feeling like this is the most like them they’d been in months. 

“Love you,” he breathes.

She knows he’s going to have to get up to throw on a shirt and pair of jeans in only a few minutes, but still, she lets herself sink further into him. He pulls her in tight, holding her figure flesh against his while she allows her eyes to flutter shut in the comfortable familiarly that only his arms can provide.

“Love you, too.”

She feels the mattress dip, sheets ruffling on the side of her in the darkness.

“Sorry,” he whispers, pulling her in to his chest. His arm wraps around her front, pulling her flush against him. She’s enveloped in warmth and love and home and she has to push against her drowsiness to stay awake with him. “Go back to sleep.”

“Times’ it?”

“About two,” he whispers, pressing a kiss just below her ear.

“How was the case?”

“Dead ends after dead ends after dead ends,” Jay huffs, his warm breath ticking her skin. She nods against him, feeling the scruff on his chin against her forehead. “We reconvene in the morning,”

“Missed you,” she hums, sleep lingering in her bones. “Love you,”

He laughs, tugging her close. “I love you, Hailey.”

“You’ll catch the bad guys tomorrow,” she slurs slowly.

“Go to sleep, Hails.”

“Mmm kay,” she breathes easily, letting her eyes flutter shut with the warmth of his skin pressed tightly against her. “Be here in the morning?”

“I’ll be here in the morning.”

When morning rolls around and the sun is seeping through their blinds, she’s still warm and content in the safety of his arms.

She’s anxious and she can’t figure out why.

She’s been waiting for this moment since the day she had to get the cast on, but now that it’s here, she’s riddled with nerves and she cannot pinpoint why she feels so on edge.

Jay and her were good - great even. He’d gone above and beyond proving himself to her recently, and his first few weeks back to work had gone off without a hitch. He’d put up boundaries - only showing up at his shifts start time and coming home as early as he possibly could. Of course, in their line of work, a routine schedule isn’t completely possible, but he’d been trying his damned hardest to spend more time at home with her and she can’t deny the effort he’d been putting in.

“I can hear your mind going a mile a minute.”

“I don’t know why I’m so nervous,” she admits.

“It’s a big deal,” he says. “You’ve been living like this for six weeks now, almost seven, and it’s a lot to go back to a life that you thought you’d never go back to. There’s a lot of emotions you’re going through right now, a lot of changes - it’s only normal for you to be anxious at a time like this.”

“You make it sound so….normal.”

“It is normal,” Jay replies. “It’s all part of the process. It’ll get easier.”

Jay’s phone sounds off then and she peaks over his shoulder to try to get a glimpse at the caller ID that pops up, but he’s declined the call and slipped the device back into his pocket before she can even make out a name.

“Who’s that?”

“It’s not important,” Jay shakes his head, reaching for her hand that’s settled against her thighs.

“Jay,” Hailey sighs.

“It’s Voight,” he says with a huff. “So, like I said, not important.”

“What if it’s a case?”

“Then they’ll need to figure it out without me,” he says, pivoting his neck to look at her. “I took personal time to be with you today. I’m not on the clock, I’m using PTO. As far as I’m concerned, it’s not my responsibility or my priority to deal with it today. My only priority is you.”

“Hailey.” She hears her doctors’ voice from a short distance away, interrupting their conversation and hindering her ability to reply to her husbands words. “Jay.”

The brunette doctor grins at her. “Ready to head back and take that cast off?”

“I’m ready to talk about getting me back to work.”

“How are things?” Rory greets her. The brunette guides her into her office, Hailey easily settling on to the ivory couch she’s found herself sitting on for the past so many weeks. “Aside from the obvious cast removal. Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” Hailey smiles. She scoots back against the sofa, pulling her feet up under her to get as comfortable as she could. It’s nice to have full mobility in her legs again, she won’t deny that. “Umm, well, I go back to work next week.”

Rory grins. “That’s great news!”

“I mean,” Hailey begins, amending her previous remark. “It’ll only be light desk duty until I can rebuild some strength up again, but it’ll be nice to not be sitting around the apartment all day.”

“That’s great, Hailey,” Rory smiles. “I’m happy for you. I know you’ve been kicking at the bit to get back into action.”

“Thank you,” Hailey smiles. “Thank you. It feels…really good.”

“And things with Jay?” Rory edges on the words as she speaks, almost like she’s afraid to bring the subject up. “How are things on that front since I last saw you a few weeks ago?”

“They’ve…” Hailey trails off, looking at the therapist in front of her and not being able to stop the grin that starts to form on her face. “He’s done nothing but prove himself to me.”

Rory smiles. “That sounds promising.”

“We talked,” Hailey says. “We really talked.”

“I’m so proud of you, Hailey,” the redhead grins. “That was a big step. You’ve been mentioning having this talk with your husband since I first met you three or four weeks ago, and to conquer that conversation in the small amount of time that I’ve known you is very brave.”

“I just couldn’t sit on it anymore,” Hailey rambles off. “I wanted my husband back. I wanted my marriage back. I wanted me back.”

“You’re well on your way to having all those things, if you already don’t feel like you do.”

“We’ve made a lot of progress,” Hailey continues. “I think we still have some way to go, but at the end of the day we’re always going to fight for each other. We’re always going to chose each other.”

“That’s so great to hear,” Rory smiles.

“It wasn’t an easy conversation,” she admits. “I’m glad I finally did it though.”

“I’m proud of you, Hailey,” the woman before her responds. “I really am.”

“You know, sometimes I still worry.”

“About what?”

“I didn’t exactly have the best upbringing,” Hailey beings quietly. “It’s not like I had the best of role models on what a marriage should look like with my parents. I know what it shouldn’t look like, but I’ve never watched two people be in a happy and healthy relationship before. I guess sometimes I just worry that I’m going to mess it all up, that I’m not meant to have it in my life or something. That whatever I have with Jay is only going to be temporary.”

“Hailey,” Rory sighs. “Everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves a relationship or a marriage or whatever they want to have, that is healthy and happy and fully of love.”

“Yeah?”

“And, you know, it’s not like I’m saying this because everything with you and Jay is all fixed and better and perfect again,” Rory says. “It’s not. It won’t ever be. Relationships are work. Marriage is hard. You have to constantly work and communicate and trust each other to make it work. And it doesn’t mean that you two won’t find yourself walking a bad path in the future. What matters is your willingness to fight for what you and Jay have.”

“I’m willing to do anything to make sure what Jay and I have stays afloat.”

“Remember that nothing in the world is ever going to be idyllic,” Rory says. “It’s just not. The art of perfection is unattainable and trying to build something that’s without flaw…you’re always going to come up short. The beauty of anything - friendship, life, love, - it’s your willingness to fight for it that makes it worth it. If it was all easy, you’d never know that what the two of you have is truly beautiful and truly worth everything despite all the trying times that may visit you along the way. All those hard moments....that's what makes the good ones worth it.”

“Welcome back,” she hears when she steps into their apartment. “How was therapy?”

“Really good, actually.” Her keys clash against the ceramic catchall when they drop into the crevice, and when she spins her head around to catch a glance at her husband, she has to do a double take. He’s completely put together from head to toe - he’s got on a navy blue tee-shirt and her favorite pair of dark blue jeans that he owns - and she’s stumped. “Why are you all dressed up? Where are you going tonight?”

“Not me,” he says with a smirk. “We.”

“We?” Her voice echoes his.

“Yes, we,” he grins.

“Wait, what?” Hailey asks softly, perplexed in tone. “For what? What’s the occasion?”

“We’re going out,” he repeats. “For dinner. We have things to celebrate!”

“Umm, okay, uhh,” she stutters, trying to figure out the reasoning. It’s not his birthday, it’s not her birthday, and it’s not their anniversary - so what exactly did Jay have up his sleeve? “What exactly are we celebrating?”

“Hailey,” he hums, meeting her in the center of their living room. Jay reaches for her hands, holding them in his palm in between them. “You’ve been through hell these last few months. We’re celebrating how far you’ve come.”

“Okay,” she hums, looking down at the outfit she’s currently dressed in. She’s only got ripped jeans and a white tee shirt on and she’s certain she’s underdressed for whatever her husband has planned. “Where are we going? What should I wear?”

“What you’ve got on is fine,” he says. He tugs at her wrist to pull her in closer to him, pressing a light, feathered kiss to the top of her head. “Just…grab a sweater.”

“It’s the middle of summer,” Hailey counters. “It’s like 95 degrees outside.”

“Trust me,” Jay says with a wink. “It might get chilly where we’re going.”

And for some reason, when he tells her to trust him, she doesn’t even think twice about it.

She does trust him.

Despite the last so many weeks of faltering trust and broken promises - she does trust him.

Maybe they’d fall off the course and maybe Jay had taken a wrong turn, but she trusts him.

More than anything.

More than anyone.

So, she grabs a hoodie and walks to the truck with him with their hands tangled between them, letting him drive them away to whatever he had planned for the evening.

It’s twenty minutes later when they pull up on North Avenue Beach.

“The beach?”

“C’mon,” he grins.

He’s opening his side of the door seconds later, hopping down onto the cement before moving towards the passenger side door. Jay opens her door next, holding a hand out for her while he helps her down to her feet. Their fingers tangle together between their frames while they walk to the awaiting shore, and it’s not until she heads towards the water lapping against the sand that she notices the sight before her.

And it nearly takes her breath away.

There’s a small wooden table with two chairs facing the lake, a white-lace tablecloth folded out perfectly over the surface, and a singular candle set against it while its flame blows in the wind. There’s a metal bucket with a bottle of champagne resting inside it, two wine glasses set off to the side of the bottle. There’s a vase of colorful flowers in the center of the table - daisies and roses and baby’s breaths. But mostly, she can’t take her eyes off the way there’s dozens of red rose petals scattering the sand and leading them up to their table like a runway.

“Jay,” she breathes. “I…What? How?”

He turns to face her, dropping their tangled hands. He pushes a few stray hairs behind her ear, cupping the side of his face with his palm while the eyes that she calls home stare directly into hers. “I love you, Hailey.”

“Why?” She asks breathlessly. “How?”

“Because I love you. Because you’re everything to me,” he says easily. “Because I never want to make you doubt my love for you ever again.”

“But, h-how?” She tries to keep the emotion brimming in the corner of her eyes at bay, but a singular tear slips down the side of her cheek. “I wasn’t even out of the apartment that long.”

“Will owed me,” Jay shrugs with a wink. “Kim might have helped a bit, too.”

“I don’t know what to say,” she settles on.

“Give me a second, I gotta get my phone out.”

“What?”

“I’ve gotta mark this day down in my calendar,” he explains, tapping his thumbs away on the glass screen. She looks at him quizzically, and when he catches her eyes, he answers with. “This marks the first time you’ve ever been rendered speechless.”

She punches him lightly against his upper arm and Jay pushes his phone into his back pocket. She takes in her surroundings again - the romantic beach dinner, the sun starting to dip into the horizon, Jay - it’s overwhelming just how loved she feels in this very moment.

“This is…the most romantic thing anyones ever done for me.”

“You deserve all of it and then some,” he says, eyes wide and bright as he looks down at her. “I love you,”

“I love you, Jay.”

The warm summer sun shines down on them, Hailey pushing herself up on her tip-toes to push her lips against his. It’s soft, familiar, and welcoming. His palm rests against her face again, lips moving against each others in tandem. It’s seconds later when he pulls away, pressing his lips against the crown of her head before he leans back.

He grins at her before asking, “What do you say we go dig in?”

“I’d love to,” she smiles.

It’s later when they’re curled up on a blanket and the sun is making its final dip below the horizon - dark blues, pinks, and oranges scattered against the sky - that it hits her.

Rory was right - nothing in the world ever was going to be idyllic.

And it’d be dumb of her to sit here and think that everything in her and Jay’s marriage was just going to be easy and good and without any hiccups. Because it wasn’t - relationships are work and they require compromise and sacrifice and communication. But, it didn’t mean it was going to be all bad either. Thinking too far into the future or trying to hard to determine which path her relationship was going to take wasn’t feasible - and it was only going to make moments like these harder to enjoy if she was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She needs to enjoy the now.

Because if she’s not enjoying the moment, if she’s not living day by day, she’s only going to end up missing out on moments like these with her husband.

Moments like these that remind her exactly why she loves him in the first place.

So, no - nothing was ever going to be idyllic.

But she thinks the life she’s got here with Jay might come pretty damn close.