Chapter Text
Carina woke up earlier than usual on Saturday. She rolls out of bed slowly and attends to Chia’s needs before readying herself for what is most likely going to be the most taxing day she's had since she moved here. Being around people exhausts her now, and she prefers her own company more than anything. At least when she's alone she does not have to put up a façade. But Andrea told her to make friends, and Carina has a feeling that Maya is her best shot.
With Andrea in town for the weekend, available to help with babysitting, Carina saw this as the perfect opportunity to finally take Maya up on her 'not-a-date' coffee offer.
So she gets dressed, straightens her hair, and even puts on a shade of lipstick that she hasn't worn in a while. Red lipstick used to be her staple, but she had stopped caring about how she looked after the incident. She had no one to impress, and very few things mattered to her after she lost Arizona. She tells herself that this is a reasonable exception, though. She wants to look nice.
She meets Maya downtown at a café that the woman said she frequents. Carina gets there twenty minutes early and sits in her car for the entire time, trying to calm her frazzled nerves. She only gets out when she catches sight of Maya in her rearview mirror. The woman is walking and looking down at her phone, hardly paying attention to what's in front of her. Carina watches as Maya just barely avoids bumping into a parking meter, and she can't help but let out a quiet laugh when Maya looks around to make sure no one has seen her blunder.
The almost endearing sight gives her enough courage to climb out of her car and get Maya’s attention.
"You made it! I was just about to text you." Maya looks pleasantly surprised to see her, and the smile on her face is blinding. It's like staring directly into the sun, and Carina shifts her weight awkwardly as she locks her car. She doesn't know what she's done to warrant such a look, and she can feel the blush spreading across her face.
They don't know how to greet one another. A hug is too familiar and a handshake is far too formal, so they just stand there awkwardly, share a timid laugh, and then shuffle towards the café's entrance. Maya holds the door open for her, and Carina ducks her head and murmurs a soft 'thank you'.
It's quiet inside, and Carina is relieved to see that there aren't many people in the small shop. The line to order is almost nonexistent, and Carina finds herself wallowing in indecision as she stares up at the cute handwritten menu board. She can feel her anxiety flaring up to astronomical proportions as she stands there and tries to figure out what she wants. There's an impressive tea selection and she has no idea what to order. She usually figures it out while she's waiting in line, but there had been no line to wait in and Maya looks like she already knows what she's getting.
"I don't know what I want," Carina says it softly so that the barista who is waiting to take their order can't hear. Maya gives her an understanding look and then turns to address the girl behind the counter.
"Could we have a moment, please?" Maya gives the barista a sweet grin, one that cannot be denied. The barista nods easily, not looking as if she cares much since there's no one waiting behind them. Carina lets out a relieved sigh and then goes back to looking up at the tea section of the menu.
A few moments of contemplative silence pass, and Carina is still undecided. She's close to just asking for a bottle of water to put herself out of her misery, but then she hears Maya's throat clear. "Their chamomile is really good," Maya suggests patiently.
Carina thinks about it for a moment, and then shrugs. She could go for a nice cup of chamomile. "Okay." She nods resolutely.
Maya orders for the both of them, and Carina is grateful because she tends to always mess up her orders, no matter how simple they are. When she reaches for her purse to pay for her half of the order, Maya's hand stops her.
"This was my idea, I'll get it."
"I wouldn't feel comfortable letting you do that," Carina shakes her head.
"You can buy me a scone to pay me back."
Carina bites her lower lip, but sees no reason to refuse the compromise. "Alright."
So Maya pays for their drinks, a triumphant grin on her face as she swipes her credit card.
They find a table easily, and Carina is once again caught off guard when Maya pulls her chair out for her. She sits down slowly and watches as Maya rounds the table and sits across from her. There is a strange feeling building up inside of her, but she doesn't have the time or the energy to decipher it.
They sit in relative silence for the first few minutes. Carina alternates between sipping at her tea, looking out the window, and fidgeting with the ring on her left hand. Maya's gaze follows her movements, and Carina can see the curiosity burning in those frighteningly beautiful eyes.
Her family thinks she should stop wearing Arizona’s ring since it could never really mean anything anymore, but Carina has grown used to keeping it on her finger. It's a part of her now, and she doesn't think she'll ever be able to take it off. It's one of the two things she has left to remember Arizona by.
"So what do you do?" Maya breaks the ice, but Carina is bemused by the question. Her confusion must show on her face because Maya goes on to elaborate. "Like where do you work?"
"Oh." Carina frowns slightly and then shrugs. "I'm…retired."
It was true for lack of a better word. After Arizona’s death, everything just continued to fall apart, like a depressing domino effect and Carina couldn’t get herself to find the joy in helping to bring babies into this world anymore. She felt like she had no happy place left.
Her love for her work had seeped out of her as quickly as the life had drained out of Arizona’s eyes.
Stop.
"How old are you?" Maya gives her a quick once over, looking perplexed.
"I'll be thirty-two next month."
"Wow, I'll be lucky if I can retire by the time I'm sixty."
“You’re a firefighter right?”
“Yeah,” Maya smiled up at her as if she hadn’t expected Carina to remember the little detail, “Fire Captain actually, at Station 19. It’s just a few blocks away from your place,” The pride shining in Maya’s eyes is endearing and Carina can see just how much the blonde loves her job. “We might be a small station but we have one of the best response times in the district. All the firefighters that work there have come to become my family rather than just subordinates”
“Is that who you were with the other day? I remember your niece mentioning the other two women were firefighters too.”
“Yeah, Andy and Vic, they’re both firefighters at the station and both are like sisters to me,” Maya paused as if she was hesitating to share the next bit of information. Debating if it was too personal too soon, but looking into Carina’s eyes she felt like she could tell the woman anything. It was an odd feeling. “And Dean, Pru’s father, was like a brother to me too”
“Was?”
“It was a gas line explosion, big enough that it had blown up several houses on the street. We thought everything was under control but there was a second, unexpected, explosion and he was just too close to it at the wrong time”
Carina feels awful. Maya's eyes are shining with an unspeakable sadness, one that Carina can relate to all too well. She feels bad for opening such a sensitive wound, and she quickly backpedals in hopes of salvaging Maya's good mood.
"I'm so sorry."
Maya shrugs nonchalantly, and the sadness seems to leak out of her instantaneously as if it had never been there in the first place. "Don't worry about it, it's not like you knew or anything.”
Carina gives a timid nod, and they move on to less sensitive topics after that. Carina ends up getting a second cup of tea and Maya gets the scone that she was promised. When it's time for them to go, Maya holds the door open for Carina again and even walks her back to her car.
"We should do this again," Maya says, looking hopeful and nervous. "Maybe sometime next week? I'm off Tuesday?."
Carina nods, clutching the strap of her purse and wondering why this feels like the end of a date. "Okay, call me?"
"Definitely."
Carina ducks her head shyly and then gets into her car quickly. She tries not to think about the warm feeling that is spreading through her as she turns her key in the ignition, but it's futile.
The grin on her face stays there for the entire ride home, and she even cuts on the radio to fill the silence.
***
It’s not until she reaches home that Maya realizes her fate. She's done the dumbest thing a person can do, which is liking someone who's unavailable and has no romantic interest in her.
Carina is sweet, quiet and then there’s that accent, and Maya is drawn in like a moth to a flame. Fragile, captivated, and doomed from the start. The diamond on Carina's left ring finger seems to get bigger every time Maya sees her, and the reality behind it is getting harder to stomach.
Carina hasn't even alluded to being with someone, but that ring is obviously there for a reason so Maya doesn't even bother hoping. She just continues to pine over a woman who is only interested in being friends, and lets the dejection eat her from the inside out. It doesn't help that Andy makes fun of her at every turn, delighted over the fact that Maya has finally met someone that she cannot win over. Apparently, she's been waiting for Maya’s luck to run out.
“So, how was your date?” Andy asks her as she shuffles around their apartment, probably getting ready for work, Maya assumes seeing the time.
“I already told you this, it wasn’t a date. Carina’s new here and she doesn’t know many people. She needs a friend”
“And I’m telling you again Maya, good luck with that,” she says placing her hands on Maya’s shoulders and squeezing them in a show of affection before making her way out the door.
“She’s also married!” Maya screams out when Andy’s halfway into the hall.
“You don’t know that for sure!” the brunette’s reply echoes back and then she’s gone, leaving Maya alone in their apartment with her thoughts of Carina.
***
“You ignored my call,” Andrew says when she finally gets back home from the cafe.
"What? No, I didn't," she responds, quickly checking her phone to realize that indeed, he had called twice and left a voicemail. Concern creases her features. "What's wrong? Is it Chia?" Her worry for her daughter takes precedence as she moves around her brother.
"No, Carina, Chia's fine. She's upstairs sleeping peacefully," he reassures her.
Confusion knits her brow further. "Then why did you call?" Her mind races, trying to pinpoint any possible reason. She scans the date in her mind, searching for any significant events. Chiara had become her entire world, so if the call wasn't about her…
"Papa called."
The words hit Carina like a cold wave, her body stiffening. "What does he want now?" she mutters, her tone laced with a mix of irritation and resentment.
"He mentioned he hasn't heard from you or talked to you since Easter. That you've been avoiding his calls," Andrew explains, watching his sister closely. Carina avoids meeting his gaze, a clear sign of her discomfort. "He said he's planning to fly in for Thanksgiving."
Carina's anger flares, a surge of emotions rushing to the surface. "WHAT?" Her voice trembles with a mixture of disbelief and indignation. The last person she wants to deal with is her father.
"He wants to see Chia again. Can't we find a way to move forward, Carina?" Andrew's tone carries a note of exasperation.
Move forward? The idea that she could simply brush aside that fateful day, the hurtful words he had uttered about her and Arizona... Carina shakes her head in silent refusal.
"No," she mumbled.
Andrew steps closer, his concern evident. He strains to hear her whispered response. "What was that?"
Firmly, her voice steadier this time, Carina repeats, "I said no, Andrea. I won't see him, I won't let him into my house, and he's not getting anywhere near my daughter."
"Carina," he sighs, "please, just hear him out..."
Her patience worn thin, she cuts him off. She heads upstairs, her steps purposeful, entering the spare room where Chia sleeps soundly. Leaning against the doorframe, Carina watches her daughter's peaceful slumber – the gentle rise and fall of her chest, the soft sounds of her snoring.
Carina couldn’t let herself or Chia be subject to Vincenzo’s temper again. She’d been doing better since she’d last seen him. Granted, Carina’s given her brother plenty of reasons to worry over the last few years, but her self-destructive tendencies have long since fallen off. There is no more alcohol poisoning, and she no longer thinks about flinging herself off of the nearest bridge. She's just living her life the only way she knows how anymore, by simply existing.
But her father has the tendency to make her throw all of that out the window and return to her old ways. The way he seems to bring up Arizona in every sentence reminding Carina of what she’d lost and what she was left with. Constantly telling her it had been a mistake to marry a woman in the first place, to have a child with her.
The buzzing of her phone disrupts her thoughts, and Carina jumps a little, startled by the unexpected noise. Her screen lights up with a new unread text message, and she reaches out for it quickly when she sees that it's from Maya.
Still on for Tuesday?
Carina gnaws on her lower lip, biting back the small grin that is threatening to spread across her face. She looks back up from her phone to her daughter, and then back down, the growing smile slowly turning into a frown.
What was she doing?
She and Maya had made plans to go for a walk on Tuesday, since Maya has her day off, and Carina has actually been looking forward to it. She enjoys talking to Maya. The woman is kind and easy to talk to and seems to radiate positivity in every possible way. Carina still doesn't know why Maya is going out of her way to befriend her. It's not like Carina has anything to contribute to the friendship, yet Maya keeps making plans with her.
She frowns, that is unless Maya wanted more here. The warm feeling from earlier makes its way back into her chest except this time instead of ignoring it Carina feels a pang of guilt. As if in some sort of way saying yes to meeting Maya again means betraying Arizona.
She pockets her phone leaving the blonde’s text on read. She had more pressing concerns than forming a connection with the fire captain that would eventually fracture when Maya realized how broken Carina really was.
She had survived on her own this long and she would continue to do just that.