Chapter Text
Lottie couldn’t stop thinking about Nat. Ever since that night she first saw her every single thought was dominated by her mesmerizing features, taunting her tortured, dirty mind.
She had always known she liked girls, but once she really accepted who she was, it took time to grow into. After a while she fell into the routine of pretending, it wasn’t very hard after all. She could pass as straight if she drunk kissed a boy or two (no matter how torturous the task was). She just had to swap out masks depending on who she was with.
Lottie liked Nat from the moment she saw her. Something about her made it impossible not too. The more Lottie got to know her the harder and deeper she fell. It was dangerous, but worth the pain of possibly loosing it all. If she got to experience the type of love Nat had, no matter what happened after, even if everything was destroyed and burned to ashes at least she could say there was been something, that she knew she could be in love, and someone could love her back.
Everything about Nat was interesting, Lottie could spend an eternity memorizing every little detail and she wouldn’t be wasting her time. She had gotten so used to Nat that she was more surprised than she should have been when her dad suggested dinner with Will.
She tried protesting but it did no good because, “It’ll be good for the family. Just go and don’t make a fuss Charlotte, you’ll see,”
Her dad was old fashioned, and it fucking sucked. It was always for the family (his legacy) and not her. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t interested, or he was an asshole, or that she’d rather be with a certain pretty bleach blond girl, she had to go.
When Nat climbed through the door she thought she had a fighting chance. Maybe they could be something. It seemed too perfect to be true. It turned out Lottie had a curse of somehow always being right.
Every once in a while she let herself daydream about what could happen if they were together. She would put up with her dad for Nat, the pain of having to endure those setups would be numbed. She could say what she wanted to Nat, what she really meant, without having to be ashamed of herself. It was a perfect reality that was sadly only meant for a perfect world.
All of it came crashing down when Nat climbed through her window. At first she was panicked. Nat couldn’t see Will or she would get the wrong idea, but then she was hopeful. Maybe Nat wanted the same thing as Lottie.
It broke her when she saw the way Nat looked at her after Will left. She couldn’t stand to see it, she couldn’t live with herself after hurting Nat like that. She knew she must have hurt Nat if she had an outburst like that. Nat only got that hurt and angry at someone who deserved it, and Lottie supposed she did.
She couldn’t linger any longer in her room, so she had to go downstairs and put on a fake smile. Maybe that was her future. Putting up a front as a perfect daughter, and soon, a perfect wife. Like she had never loved, or felt heartbreak, or experienced something as powerful as she had felt with Nat.
***
The dinner was as boring as expected. Will’s dad droned on about the current state of events and the stock market, which his son was only listening to half heartedly in favor of casting long glancing at Lottie.
She feigned interest, and politely nodded and smiled like she actually cared. Her mother would’ve been proud. She glanced over at Will and made eye contact.
“Hey,” he said when she turned away, “what’s up?” He asked nonchalantly in that stupid way boys do when they’re trying to sound cool.
“Nothing,” she answered cooly, doing everything in her power to avoid looking at him, which wasn’t hard.
“You’re not gonna ask me how I’ve been,” he remarked, leaning back in his chair and taking a sip of his water.
Lottie sighed quietly and turned to him, offering a thin smile, “So Will, how have you been?” She didn’t say it passive aggressively, but she tried to be as conversational as she could.
“I’m doing good, but I’m just wondering why you’re playing hard to get,” he answered smugly. Oily strands of brown hair were slicked back. His eyes twinkled with a slightly menacing glare.
If Lottie was having trouble not being aggressive before this was definitely going to push her over the edge. Why would she play hard to get with someone she didn’t even like? She obviously wasn’t interested, so why couldn’t he just leave her alone?
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she turned away and straightened her back, choosing instead, to look in the direction of a waiter pouring champagne.
“Don’t pretend like this isn’t just something your dad made you do. I know you want this, I do too, you don’t have to be scared. They say it’ll be good for their businesses, and it will be. Everything is gonna work out,” he smiled slightly, and spoke in a manner that implied he thought he knew a lot more than he did.
She could feel his eyes on her. It wasn’t soft and hesitant like the way Nat looked at her, almost like she was asking permission to look at her. His gaze felt dirty and perverse. She shuddered under the scrutiny of his glare and excused herself from the table. She couldn’t trust herself and what she might say to him next, so she hurried off to the bathroom. It was probably the right move anyway. Boys like him liked attention, and she sure as hell wasn’t gonna give it to him.
Lottie reapplied her mascara, grabbed her handbag, then lingered for a minute. She stared at herself in the mirror and her raised her hand, grazing her lips, remembering the night she had kissed Nat. Oh god, what she would’ve given to experience that again. Lottie pulled herself away from her reflection and slowly walked back to the bathroom. She was keen to waste as much time as she could.
“Ah, Charlotte,” Wills dad said as she sat down, “We were just talking about you. Your father tells me you play soccer,” he smiled and pointed a finger at her, “A good sport to put on your college applications,” he pointed a fat finger at her approvingly.
“Yes, but I really do enjoy playing it,” she offered a polite smile as she answered, shifting uncomfortably in her chair.
“Well, that’s nice to hear,” his dad answered, “Did you know Will plays football?” His dad raised an eyebrow.
“Uhm, yes. We go to the same school,” Lottie nodded her head uninterestedly.
“Why don’t you tell us about it?” Her dad questioned, he was always a sucker for baseball, but she didn’t think he cared that much about football. He was probably only asking to be polite, which made two of them.
Once their food arrived they fell into a welcomed silence. Lottie was glad Will was focusing on something other than her for the time being.
Their plates were cleared her dad began a conversation with Will’s dad about the charity dinner her mom was attending. She had driven down to Philadelphia and was probably cheating on her dad as they spoke.
It wasn’t exactly a secret in their family. Lottie had found out about her fathers affair years ago, at first she felt guilty about not telling her mom. One day she had come home early to see a young man leaving, presumably coming from her moms room.
It was at that point she realized her family was more fucked up than she thought. Just because the cheating was mutual didn’t mean her mom wasn’t consumed with guilt and self loathing for not being good enough for her father. Sometimes she wished they would just separate, but her parents had reputations to uphold, and carefully constructed images to keep.
***
She nodded stiffly at Will as she climbed into her fathers Cadillac, breathing a sigh of relief as she sat down on the cool leather.
“Your behavior embarrassed me tonight, Charlotte,” her dad said stiffly as the car jolted to a start. Surprise washed over Lottie immediately and she blinked a few times before opening her mouth to speak.
“What do you mean?” Lottie responded.
“You barely talked to Richard’s son, I expected better behavior from you.”
“You shouldn’t expect any type of behavior from me at all,” Lottie shot by in a sudden wave of defiance. His words set a bomb off that had been ticking the entire night, starting when she asked Nat to leave, “you’re the one who set this up, and you can’t blame me for not being interested in a douche bag like him,”
“Don’t be ungrateful,” her father answered, his voice neutral, but his left eye was twitching slightly, “this ‘douchebag’’s father is an associate of mine, imagine how it felt seeing you snub his son. Can you imagine what that’s going to do to the business?”
“I don’t care about the business, dad,”
“Good. You’re not going to be the one running my business anyway, that’s going to be a job for your husband,”
Lottie wanted to scream, she wanted to punch something. She could stand her father’s lectures, but she couldn’t stand his casual sexism. She also felt a pang of hurt in her heart at the suggestion of her being with anyone other than Nat.
“Huh,” She began sarcastically, “I always wondered why mom doesn’t love you. I guess now I know why. Your just a selfish asshole that doesn’t care about anything other than yourself and money,” He hated herself immediately after saying it. She knew her dad was being unfair to her, expecting something she would never be able to live up to, something completely unreasonable. It still hurt her, and that made her feel even more guilty.
Who was she to feel hurt when she just said this to her dad? Even after all the shitty stuff he did to her she still loved him, he was her family after all. It was a stupid excuse, but it was the only one she had. Hot, burning tears pricked at the corners of her eyes as she stared out the window, eyebrows knitted to the point of them hurting.
“Never talk to me like that again,” her father spat, venom dripping off from his words and burning Lottie. “there’s a reason I don’t trust you with my legacy,” he finished harshly.
In spite of herself, his words hit Lottie right where it hurt. She knew what he was implying, why would he ever trust his open minded headstrong daughter? She would only cause problems. That’s just what she was. A problem. She was a problem for Nat, and she was a problem for her family.
She wasn’t sure which one hurt more. Knowing what she meant to her family was a dull throbbing pain that ached in her heart and dragged her down constantly. It was like wearing a chain at all times, having to drag around the pain of knowing you’re just a burden to the people who are supposed to love you no matter what. With Natalie it was different. She didn’t realize what she had, what she could’ve had. The cut was deep, fresh, and tingling with a sharp pain that hurt deep in her soul. It was so easy just to say no, if she knew what would’ve happened she would’ve put a stop to her fathers dinner plans.
Now, she was going to be haunted by the thought of what would’ve happened if she handled the situation right. Now could be her time to fix that, Lottie couldn’t let her dad think he won this time. That he has succeeded in strong arming her into silence again.
She opened her mouth, no words came out, but tears threatened to. She wondered what was worse. She didn’t speak, and hung her head in defeat. And that was that. That was how Lottie Matthews gave up.