Chapter Text
Dean cursed himself for thinking Cas had wanted him, who would want a broken man? He didn’t deserve anything close to happiness. This much was made clear by all the shit he’s had to deal with time and time again. His only constant was Sammy, and even they had falling outs sometimes. Cas and his stupid blue eyes, and his blank face that made everything hard to understand. What did he do wrong?
Dean pulled over at the first rest area and gas station they came across. The air in his Baby was thick, full of feelings that Dean was trying to understand. He needed some fresh air and a moment to clear his head.
“You’ve gotta take a leak already?” Sam asked Dean, as the two of them got out of the Impala. Sam opened the back door to help Cas step out.
“Yeah well, I feel like I’m stuck in a tin can Sammy. I’ve been driving forever.”
“It’s been three hours” Sam responded, giving Dean his typical face. Cas just stretched his arms, cracking his back. Dean stomped off to the little market to grab some snacks. He couldn’t stay in that car another minute , the tension so thick it was choking him. Over and over again he wondered what went wrong? Maybe he was just to broken for anyone to want. He didn’t want that thought to hurt, he thought he had developed a thick enough skin not to care, but it stung. It stung so bad Dean was bent over trying to suck in deep breathes.
That’s when Sam came around the corner, holding a bottled water in one hand, and a bag of non gmo potato chips in the other. Cas was nowhere to be seen.
“Dean, are you okay? What’s wrong?” Dean stood up, mind reeling.
“Nothing Sam, let’s go.” Sam put a hand on his shoulder to stop him.
“Woah woah woah. Something’s wrong. You’ve been acting funny since we left the bunker.” Dean glared at him. Leave it alone Sammy he thought angrily.
“Ready to go?” Cas came around the corner holding a prepackaged cheeseburger and a water. he look back and forth between the boys. Sam dropped his hand.
“Yep. Let’s get back on the road.” Dean stalked off outside, heading towards the bathrooms on the back of the building. Sam, too perceptive for his own good, Dean thought irritated. He locked himself in the dirty stall, hiding. He grabbed the side of the dingy sink, willing himself to look at himself in the mirror. His eyes, full of some strange emotion he vaguely recognized as hurt, stared back. Over the years he had hardened himself to pain, to heartache. God knows he’s been through his fair share of it over his lifetime.
That’s why Cas was a breathe of fresh air. Relief against the cruelty and loneliness of the job. Sure, he had Sammy, but with Cas, with that funny socially awkward angel, he found refuge. No pretending he wasn’t the fuck up he always knew he was, Cas knew of all the darkest places inside of Dean, and yet he willingly put his heart and soul into the ideas Dean made up. He always sacrificed himself, “For Dean” he always said softly. As if Dean’s name was a holy proclamation.
He had to make this right. Somehow, he had to make this right. If Cas would only let him explain how sorry he was for even putting Cas in that position, for kissing him. For touching him. Dean gripped the sink tighter, resisting the urge to scream. He couldn’t stand the thought of losing Cas as a friend, but he also couldn’t come to terms with the idea that their relationship would go back to normal after this incident.
Dean wiped his face, taking in a breathe steal himself. He washed his face and hands, before unlocking the bathroom door and heading back to the Impala.
*
Sam finished checking out with Cas, and the two of them waited by the Impala stretching their legs. Sam cracked open his water, taking a long chug. He glanced at Cas, who was staring off into space, a weird look on his face. The water bottle was clutched to his chest, his burger unopened. He had a small inkling what was wrong, but he needed more evidence before he made his mind one hundred percent.
“You alright Cas? You’ve been, I dunno acting off since we started this trip.” Cas turned to Sam.
“I’m focused on this case Sam, that’s all.” He turned back to staring into space. When Dean stalked back to the car he didn’t say a word to either of them, only starting the car. Sam and Cas exchanged glances before getting back into the car. Sam held back a sigh.
If these two didn’t stop prancing around their feelings and make up before the case was over Sam was going to lose what was left of his mind. Those two stubborn idiots were going to give him gray hairs.