Chapter Text
34 Messages from ‘My Yongbokkie’
12 Voicemails from ‘My Yongbokkie’
[saturday]
‘Practice was hard today TT I had to do some complicated moves for my part’
‘I wish you were here. I could use some pointers from you hehehe’
‘We had lunchboxes the staff bought. Have you eaten?’
‘Are you busy with a new painting you’re making? I can’t wait to see it!’
‘Love you’
[sunday]
‘Good morning love’
‘We have a day off today thank heaven!! Innie and I are going to this one gukbap place’
‘Guess where….’
‘…….’
‘Your favourite gukbap place!!!’
‘I hope you have a nice day hyunnie, I miss you’
[yesterday]
‘Hyunnie…’
‘You okay? I haven't heard anything from you. Did I do anything wrong’
‘Please talk to me hyun’
‘Call me. I’m always here for you’
[today]
‘Call me’
‘I love you’
Felix slowly felt like he finally getting his shit together again. He had been focusing on practicing, constantly adding input to their dances and certain parts of their choreographies for the remaining Kingdom’s stages. On top of that, the freckled Australian had also been cooped up in the recording studio with 3racha—often writing new lyrics and recording new lines and demos for the songs that they were going to use for their performances. He would actively participate in choreographing moves with Minho and would bask in the happiness and warmth whenever the danceracha’s leader praised and complimented him for doing such a good job. Or when his Chan hyung and Changbin hyung would constantly hype him up with lines along “Yah Lix-ah the topline and the lyrics you made are crazy good. It’s amazing how your lyrics fit perfectly with this mix” or when his sunshine twin, Jisung would always cuddled up, taking in all the freckled’s skinship advances and reciprocate them saying “Our Lixie, our baby is so good at what he does! I just can’t imagine skz without him”. Felix basked in all of the love and compliments. He felt appreciated. He felt seen.
He felt loved.
On top of their busy schedule, they did manage to film some content for stays as presents for their hard work in voting and streaming their Kingdom’s performances and also to take their mind off and to calm down the rage of the fans over the lack of presence of a certain member. Felix had also spent a lot of time with the two youngest members outside schedules. The three of them would often have dinner together, sometimes they would spend hours and hours at the restaurant drinking their worries and their excitement away. They would come back to their dorm the next morning looking as disheveled as ever, hungover kicking their asses, and one day on their day off, they overdid it.
Felix spent the entire morning crouching in their bathroom, his head was almost in the toilet bowl letting out all of his stomach content. At that time, he regretted drinking and he swore to his great-grandfather’s grave that that’d be his last time drinking that much. Felix didn’t remember a single thing from that night or the fact that he should thank Seungmin for being sober the entire time and decided to call a cab to bring them home and make sure that Felix didn’t end up sleeping on the streets. Thank heaven that Seungmin had a lesson the next day that prevented him from drinking his heart out and ending up like the miserable man Felix currently was. The rest of the members had their respective schedules and lessons that left the still-barfing Australian with the youngest who decided to stay with the blond to make sure that he didn't pass out drunk hitting his head on the bathroom floor or something.
“You should control yourself last night hyung. You’re not a heavy drinker— hell you have the alcohol tolerance of a baby”. Jeongin said crouching down next to the blond slowly rubbing his back to comfort him. After the fifth flush, the blond finally let out a relieved sigh, grimacing at the acidic aftertaste in his mouth before he was presented with a glass of water by the younger to help him clear the distaste feeling in his mouth. Felix took a big gulp before waving his frail arm at the younger—in an attempt to hit the younger but clearly failed.
“Yah, babies can’t drink you idiot”. He tried sitting up but the pain immediately shot up to his head and he started groaning in pain. “Are you ok hyung?” The younger asked voice laced with worry. “I don’t feel too good Innie-yah, god I feel sick”. The blond now lying cold on the bathroom floor, drop-dead almost—his frail body in close contact with the dirty cold tiles, eyes slowly fluttering close.
Jeongin hurriedly picked up the motionless Australian—bridal style before gently dropping him to the bed. He slowly pulled off the hoodie the freckled was wearing while his other hand skilfully held Felix’s head in place as the older’s body seemed to lose all balance. The younger then, again slowly putting on a clean t-shirt— his t-shirt—- over the older before setting the older’s back to the headboard of the bed.
“Take some painkillers and go to sleep hyung, we will have ramen once you wake up feeling less dead”. The younger said in earnest reaching for the pills and a glass of water for his hyung. However, Jeongin was only met with groans coming from his sleepy hyung and he couldn’t help the smile involuntarily creeping up his face as he cooed at the sight in front of him.
Drunken Felix is cute. He had thought to himself.
“Mmhm-mm Innie-ah, help hyung with it”. The blond slurred in between. The maknae rolled his eyes jokingly while the smile that was previously on his face didn’t falter and helped feed the pills and the glass of water to his hyung. “What would you do without me hyung?”. Jeongin said before finally—after hours of trying to get his hyung drunk ass to take the pills and sleep— tucking the blanket over the blond’s body. Jeongin then picked up Felix’s dirty clothes to throw them in the laundry before the older’s phone fell out of the pocket of the hoodie. Looking at how the home screen wasn’t responding after several clicks, he went to charge the elder’s phone and put it near the bedside so that when Felix finally decided to wake up, he would have his phone next to him. So he can text him back once he is awake. And for him to be met with disappointments. Again.
The maknae then pondered for a while if he should stay in case the elder needed him, but he thought to leave the sunshine to sleep and try to catch some sleep for himself as well.
Seriously, what would you do without me hyung?
On the flip side, Hyunjin was miserable.
He would have hoped that the constant nightmares would leave him unscathed. That his dreams and fantasies would have been a reality without any fear of the morning after.
He could have only hoped.
6 months since his last appearance in public—in front of stays. Hyunjin knew he had changed. How couldn’t he, the world around him had changed, people’s perspectives of him had changed, and he no longer owned his narrative—but to submit to others' perception of him. So it was only fair for him to change. He badly needed the change. But at what cost.
At what cost?
He could feel not just him growing distant, he could clearly make out the thing that he feared the most. He could feel the love he had been harboring for people around him thinning out, the love that he severely wanted from his surroundings dispersing into thin air. Most importantly, he had stopped believing that he deserved an ounce of love. Self-doubt had slowly but certainly settled in what used to be a loving—joyful body and Hyunjin was angry. He did not know how to deal with these surges of emotions and loneliness and it pained him the most that he felt like he couldn’t convey whatever he was experiencing to anyone. It pained him that he couldn’t be truthful to himself. It pained him to feel the love within him slowly disseminating. It pained him that he couldn’t reach out to the only source of his warmth and happiness. It pained him to be holding this facade, a shield masking what was truly hidden underneath. A lonely man full of self-loathe. How could he love him ?
When he couldn’t love himself?
It was a calm Sunday morning. The streets were empty with no signs of a living being. The cold breezes whistling tearing the silence in the atmosphere. Ray of sunshine was nowhere to be seen as the rain begged to fall. The clouds started to darken and swell as if they were about to burst, but still, they held back, leaving the world in an utterly somber but weirdly serene state.
Most of the shops were closed as it was Sunday—the day when most of the Catholics would go to the church for their communal mass. That would be the case for Hyunjin and his family last week and weeks before. But at the moment, Hyunjin had found himself in a compact bunsik stall located at the rear of his apartment run by an old lady and her granddaughter. Usually, they would close on Sundays to perform their duties as followers of Christ but 2 months ago, the old lady had fallen sick which resulted in the young girl having to work overtime to pay for her grandmother’s hospital bills.
Twisted it may sound but Hyunjin was sort of grateful that the event played out this way, while he constantly prayed for the old lady's recovery and sometimes would tip way too much over a single glass of beer and a small portion of tteokbeokki, he was also glad that he got to come down here to be alone with his thoughts. He had spent his days drawing, journaling, and sometimes just having a glass of beer while staring into the blank when he felt like doing nothing. Today was one of those days, he had woken up early and walked Kkami overwatching the sunrise that painted the scenery at the top of the hill he would usually come with Felix to walk his little beast.
Ah yes, his Felix. Maybe the reason Hyunjin had decided to stay behind instead of going to their Sunday mass with his family was the tiredness of walking a few kilometers with Kkami or maybe because of a certain someone that had been occupying his mind and it started to overwhelm him or maybe he just felt like not going that day. Nobody knew. He wasn't sure himself.
Rustling of papers and soft scratching and tapping noises could be heard from within the small space if one paid enough attention. The atmosphere at that time reminded Hyunjin of b-roll scenes of an old, classic movie—where the surroundings, the people, and the items lying around were neither the center of attention nor completely drowned by the main protagonists, but it was just enough—just right— the crackling sound coming from the fire stove indicating another pack of ramyeon or tteokbokki being cooked, the sound of chatters over asinine matters slowly filling up the store but nothing too loud—moderate enough for Hyunjin to pick up the mood of the conversation but not the details of what being talked about, the slow rumble of the heater machine located at the front near the entrance door. The long-haired man’s fingers skilfully continued to move around in motion. His tteokbeokki had long gone cold and his cold plum tea had long condensate leaving water droplets pooling at the bottom of the cup. Hyunjin closed his eyes, inhaling the air that reeked of oil and spices, taking in his surroundings—calming down his rapid heartbeat and throbbing thoughts.
“Would you like me to reheat that for you?”
The cheery voice woke Hyunjin out of his trance. He opened his eyes to a view of a young lady politely smiling while beckoning to the plate in front of him.
“Uh-what—“.
Came the startled reply. The girl hurriedly explained herself sensing the confusion on Hyunjin’s face.
“Uh, I’m sorry I just noticed that you haven’t touched your tteokbeokki and you have been drawing for some time, I just thought that the food had gone cold and I was wondering if you would like it to be warmed, I can do that for you”.
Finally detaching his eyes from his sketchbook, he took a glance at his stale tteok now all soaked up by the red sauce.
“Um yeah, that would be great”. Hyunjin thanked her while handing her the plate. The girl beamed taking the plate from his hand before quickly glancing at the drawing that Hyunjin had put aside.
“Great! I’ll heat this and bring it back to you in a bit. Is that a manhwa character?”. The young lady gestured to the drawing, clearly, she could see that it was a portrait of someone. Nothing vile was laced in the question thrown at him, just pure innocence and curiosity.
Jumped by the question, Hyunjin looked at the direction she was pointing. He never realized up until this moment what he had drawn. His fingers had mindlessly perfected the sketch-like it was second nature to him. Like it was his body reflexes— he didn’t even think for a second nor did he have to wreck his brain for inspiration. He had drawn a perfect sketch of a man with such details you could make out the cute button nose that sits perfectly on top of a heart-shaped lip that stretches out displaying a set of perfectly aligned teeth with round eyes that look like they hold the universe and the most devastating part was the constellations like freckles that splattered around his face like stars painting the galaxy.
He had subconsciously drawn Felix.
His muse.
“No….. just someone I know”. Hyunjin replied almost choking on his answer.
“I’ll be right back”. The girl smiled innocently before stopping on her track. “It’s really pretty”. She offered Hyunjin a last smile before disappearing to the back of the kitchen.
“He is...”. He muttered under his breath just loud enough for him to hear himself. “The most beautiful, my angel”. He silently uttered those words while his graphite-covered fingers slowly ghosted over the sketch, a faint smile— one that was laced with sadness crept up his face.
Tinkles of the wind chimes indicate that a new customer is entering the stall. A foreign silhouette began to slowly approach the raven-haired man who was now deep in thought staring at the details of the now-completed sketch that he had been working on since he first stepped foot in this cozy bunsik stall. His other hand swiftly moved in a to-and-fro motion between his mouth and the plate of warm rice cakes placed in front of him, completely oblivious of the shadow that was overbearing him.
“Hyunjinnie….?”