Chapter Text
After 10 years of grinding himself into dust Carm’s body began to surrender. A month after The Bear’s opening, he came down with a cold that turned into a low-grade fever, a bitter cough with lime green mucus, night sweats, and mind-numbing exhaustion. After two days Sydney and Fak showed up to his apartment and dragged him to the emergency room. It was pneumonia and dehydration. FoThe doctor muttered that his lungs sounded just like his father’s, a 40-year smoker. Yes, the pneumonia was the primary reason, but a man of Carmy's age should be in better shape. He was out of commission for a whole week. The regret of letting down The Bear crew so soon after the Friends and Family fiasco motivated him to make a couple changes. First, he allowed himself only one emergency cigarette a day, which he needed less and less. Second, he went outside on Mondays, when the restaurant was closed. If the temperature was over 30℉, he took the train or walked to a park. His favorites were Humboldt and the Garfield Park Conservatory. Today he had come to the latter with his sketchbook and pencils in his backpack. Since the renovation he continued drawing.
As he went towards his favorite bench, he noticed a slender woman walking ahead of him. Her height, long swishing braids and jacket were identical to Syd’s. He compulsively began jogging towards her. Before he could call out her name, the woman pounced on a tall lanky man in front of her, wrapping her arms around his waist. Carmen had the sensation of being pushed off a diving board, his stomach pitching forward, unable to breathe much less scream before slamming into the water like a brick. The man turned and picked Sydney up, planting a kiss on her mouth. He spun her around and…she wasn’t Syd. Thank God.
Carm made his way to the bench and hunched over, his head in his hands. She wasn’t Syd he recanted over and over until the feeling of relief gave way to self-reproach. This time it wasn’t her, but one day it would be. Would he be able to live with that? Uncle Jimmy’s warning not to be an overthinking manichino flashed in his mind. It was time to do something. He took out his sketchpad and began thumbing through it, an idea beginning to take shape. Hopefully, it wouldn’t scare Syd away.
The following Monday Sydney was in her cousin’s salon getting her entire life. Her microbraids were taken out, her hair was washed, deep conditioned, her scalp massaged, and now she was getting box braids put in. They were accented with delicate gold hair cuffs. She drowsed in the chair, with an almost empty to-go container of jollof rice in her lap. Her cousin and another hair stylist quietly discussed the latest season of Love is Blind . It was the perfect background noise.
“Sydney babe, would you ever go on Love is Blind ?” her cousin, Ashley, asked in a louder tone.
Syd startled and rubbed her eyes.
“Never. That’s insane.”
“I got a message on IG that it’s coming to Chicago. You live and breathe your job so when are you going to meet somebody? Maybe your soulmate is in one of those pods!”
“Why don’t you apply then? You could find love and get more exposure for the salon.”
“Same for you and your restaurant ma’am, but I have a man.”
“Since when?”
“Since three months ago. His name is David, he’s a chemical engineer and the son of you know, Ms. Jumoke, she goes to the African church on Mackinaw…St. Paul.”
“Yeah, I remember her. Her sister used to watch me when my dad worked nights.”
“Anyways, back to you . Are you dating anyone, or should I send you the show application?”
“I don’t think love is blind. Have you seen the people they cast? Nobody too unfortunate-looking gets on. It’s so shallow.”
“Ha! You’re one to talk. You have a very distinct type…white boys with tats and muscles.”
“Ashley, there’s been two of them. Like, that’s not a pattern.”
“No, three! This boss, no partner , of yours, has Sydney written over him. The family never sees you anymore.”
“I came to lunch at uncle and auntie’s last month! Besides, opening a new business is like having a kid. You know this.”
“Sure, but when I had dinner at your restaurant and you introduced us, Carmy complimented you for five minutes and then followed you to the kitchen like a whipped puppy.”
Sydney grinned, biting her lower lip and covering her eyes. Her cousin stopped braiding and hugged her.
“Aww…my baby cousin is finally going to get some!”
“Ashley!” Sydney groaned, pushing off her cousin’s arms.
“Okay, okay, I’ll stop, but I am happy for you. He is sexy. That neck is thicker than a tree stump.”
Sydney, who had just taken a sip of her sweet tea, spat it out all over the mirror.
“That’s on you, Ashley!” she choked out between laughing and coughing.
When she was able to contain herself, she tried to reel her cousin back in. Talking about romantic potential with Carmy gave her too much pleasure. If he was content with the status quo she didn’t want to get her hopes up.
“Fine, I like him. A lot, but we’re business partners and we’re pretty good friends. It’s probably best if we keep it that way.”
“Yes, and he gave you an equal share in the restaurant out of the friendly kindness of his heart.”
“You know, I think he would do that, because I’ve put in so much work, but it did feel like it was something more, at least his Uncle Cicero or Jimmy seemed to think so.”
“Girl, his sister and his uncle like you!? Would you take his last name, hyphenate, or keep Adamu?”
“Ugh, I’m not going there with you! Shouldn’t you be done with my hair by now?”
“If you want it done right it’ll be 2 more hours. If you don’t…30 minutes?”
“Fine, take your time but please let me sleep.”
Sydney closed her eyes, admiring her self-control. She hadn’t told Ashley that Carmy asked her to come by The Bear this evening. He was reworking a few old dishes. The invite was made at the end of the night a few days ago while they were turning off the lights. She said yes as they pulled down the last switch and she couldn’t see his expression, but she heard him exhale loudly as if he feared she’d decline. Sometimes they meet up on Mondays to network with vendors or collaborate on menu ideas, so this wasn’t out of the ordinary. However, she intuited he was hiding something again like when he and Nat surprised her with a share in the restaurant. This time she didn’t pester him for details, knowing that it was probably worth waiting for.
When Syd arrived home at 3:00 pm she considered folding her mountain of laundry and watched an episode of Psych. Instead she decided to pretend this was a date; well, like she was preparing for a date. It has been a long time since her last. She entered the Convent of Failed Dreams after Sheridan. Then The Beef/The Bear became her world. The light blue cuffed jeans and striped white and mint green button-down shirt she was wearing was more than appropriate for a food brainstorming session. However, Carmy’s mysterious attitude might be concealing more great news. She might as well look good when and if he had some.
She took a luxuriously long shower, shaved, and rubbed in her mandarin-scented body oil. Then she slowly sifted through her closet considering a red jumpsuit, or just nicer jeans and a blouse when her eyes fell on her marigold-colored shirt dress. It was knee length, comfortable, but the color made her complexion pop. She paired it with a brown and gold oval buckle belt and brown flats because she might be standing in the kitchen for hours. After a short struggle she decided to keep the top two buttons of her shirt dress open. It was only a collar bone, not cleavage . Then she considered makeup. She hated wearing a lot of it; her skin felt suffocated with foundation. She did her brows, applied mascara, a little mineral powder, a smidge of highlighter on her cheekbones, and finished with the Fenty “Hot Choclit” gloss bomb her cousin had given her as part of a set for Christmas. Her new braids with the gold cuffs made the look even better and Sydney couldn’t help admiring herself more than usual in her floor-length mirror. She felt so delicious that she ordered an Uber rather than sit on the train. She would take it later or maybe Carm would give her a ride home.
Just before she could lock the door Emmanuel came up the stairwell, his face lighting up.
“My baby girl, you are stunning! Where are you headed?”
“Thanks, Daddy. I’m just going to the restaurant. Felt like dressing up.”
“So, is it a staff meeting?”
“No, just working on some recipes. I gotta go. My Uber’s waiting.”
Emmanuel leaned against the door and nodded with a sly smile.
“Oh okay, I see. Tell Carmen I said hello. Have fun!”
Sydney’s eyes widened and she ran down the stairs waving goodbye. Her voice couldn’t be trusted.
When the car arrived at the restaurant, the sky was overcast, the evening darker than usual for the time of year. She let herself in and observed the layout. The lights were low, and the back center booth was set for dinner, the table candlelit. She could see Carmy in the kitchen already sautéing something. She was headed towards him when he looked up, seeing her through the window and rushed to meet her in the front.
“Syd don’t-” he began before he was immobilized by the vision before him.
Sydney was similarly taken with him and marveled at how often they were of the same mind. Carm was wearing a crisp button-down blue shirt, sleeves rolled to his elbows, the shirt tucked into dark navy pants, and he had gotten a haircut. Somehow it made his eyes stand out more. The sides were moderately tapered, his hair on top remained almost as long as before, and one of his rogue curls was damp against his forehead. He was perspiring, apparently having been cooking for a while.
“Nice haircut”, “You look amazing” they began at the same time and laughed nervously.
Carmy started again, beating his trusty spoon against his palm.
“So, the food is almost done. Just have a seat over there and I’ll be right out.”
Sydney nodded, a little confused and excited for this change of plans. She sat in the booth and noticed the speakers were playing The Teskey Brothers’ “Take My Heart.” She leaned back and closed her eyes letting the lyrics wash over her, her emotions stirring with that sweet ache.
“Take the time to notice what you really need,
You’ll find it’s a little more simple, than what you thought before,
But I can say for certain that I’ve got more than I ever had before,
By remembering the little things that make my heart warm.
So take my heart and cut it into two,
After all the only thing missing from me was you,
You’re all I want, you’re all I need, you’re the air I breathe,
Cause after all the only thing missing from me was you.”
“Hey, are you good?” Carmy asked, approaching the booth with their plates.
Sydney sat up and cleared her throat.
“Yes, I’m good. I really like that song. Reminds me of-“
“Otis Redding?”
“Yeah.”
Carm carefully placed the plates on the table.
“Well, speaking of throwbacks, I made-”
“Pork confit with onions and rhubarb!”
“Yes, and after that we'll have Milk and Honey.”
Sydney bit the inside of her mouth trying to absorb what seemed to be happening. Carm muttered something about getting their drinks and went to the bar for their club sodas. Sydney remained mute, not knowing if she should ask him what this meant now or let it play out. Don’t get ahead of yourself , she admonished her heart.
He returned to the booth with their drinks and encouraged her to start eating, rubbing his chin as she put the first bite in her mouth.
“That’s it, Carmy . Maybe even better than the first time,” Syd purred the pork melting on her tongue and some of her anxiety with it.
He blushed and began eating too.
“It is pretty good. Eleven Madison Park taught me a lot.”
The meal was mostly silent except for the occasional ejaculation over some element of the dish. Carmy couldn’t help gazing at Syd, taking in each detail, and rejoicing in the whole. The dip above her collar bone that rose and fell whenever she swallowed, made his head swim. Her lovely face was absolutely regal framed by her new box braids. Syd’s brown skin glowed in the candlelight and a heavenly citrus scent emanated from her. Whenever her eyes caught his obvious staring, he was too filled with gratitude to look away. Sydney’s eyes were soft and filled with kindness for this dear, lovestruck man. He looked helpless. In moments like this she remembered her capacity to build or obliterate him at will. Go with the flow, she reminded herself.
After they finished the main, Carmy took their plates and returned, with dessert, Milk and Honey. Syd lit up at the sight and when she tried it a wave of surprise flitted across her face.
"Is that mango? I didn't taste it at first, but then it like...bloomed at the back. Wow!"
"I thought it could use a Sydney twist. You always grab the mango lollipops off Sug's desk."
She resumed eating her dessert. Carm noticed everything about her. She'd played the Teskey Brothers, once or twice while they cleaned after a service, comparing them to Otis.
The Milk and Honey was devoured too soon and just as she wondered what else was on the agenda, Carmy took their bowls and returned with a package tied with twine. He set it in front of her, hands trembling, and sat a little further away than before. Syd perceiving his nervousness didn’t raise any questions. She untied the string, removed the wrapping paper, revealing a red leather hand-bound notebook. The cover was engraved with her initials. On the first page was one of Carmy's drawings. It was a curbside view of The Bear. Several lined pages followed, then a drawing of the grapes in bone marrow broth. This alternating of lined pages and his pictures continued throughout the thick notebook. There were more pictures of their recipes, the various designs of her head scarves, and some were of her in different attitudes. In one she was leading expo with the confidence of Napoleon, and another was a portrait, her chin leaning on her hand, with a faraway expression in her large brown eyes. There were several others, so perceptive that Sydney felt naked. Adored. The final picture was surreal. It was a profile of Carmy's head the entirety of which was filled with Sydney wearing a hopeful smile and the scarf and shirt she'd worn her first day at The Beef.
She couldn't stop looking at it, her index finger tracing the lines.
"Sy-d" Carmen croaked his voice thick,
Breaking.
She looked up to find red-brimmed blue eyes searching hers.
"Come here" she breathed and no sooner than she blinked he was at her side.
"Syd" he tried again. Hyperventilating.
"Say more", she gently commanded, smoothing his hair back before taking his hand in her lap.
This disarmed him, and he grinned in surprise. That was his line.
"Okay."
Breathe
"I want you Syd. I want to be with you.”
Breathe
“I want to do everything with you or not at all."
Then for the first time he wanted to say the words that had been a weapon for most of his life. They either were forced on him or yanked from him. His mother thought those words meant meekly submitting to her abuse. For Mikey it was cutting him off, so he wasn't exposed to his self-destruction. He never got to say it all. Claire believed it was part of a script. If he would only play his role and ignore who they were underneath, those words would become true enough.
Now, he had a new idea about those words, and they were wrapped up in this beautiful, talented, funny, tender, stubborn, loyal, woman. His friend.
Suddenly they didn't hurt. He continued leaning forward to rest his forehead on hers.
"I love you."
Sydney blinked slowly as if in a trance, tears dropping to their joined hands.
Carm didn't move, but his face was filled with concern.
'Syd, are you-" he started to ask. Then he was spinning.
Sydney kissed him.
His neurons habitually used to process grief, anxiety, and small doses of happiness, trembled with the unusual amount of joy coursing through him.
Sydney was delirious. Her only thought was, he loves me.
Carmy shivered. The curve of her soft cheek so near his made him want to cry.
Then he did, for Sydney said,
"I love you, too."