Chapter Text
“I know you’re not feeling it because of the wine, but you’ll catch your death out there!” I’m startled, quickly looking to the back door, pulling my attention from the gorgeous night sky to see Dave approaching me with a throw and a soft look. I smile at him and set my wine glass on the patio table before wrapping myself up in the blanket and thanking him quietly. I grab my glass, turn back to the sky and gaze at the moon for a few seconds before drinking the last of my wine. Twirling the stem in my fingers I contemplate opening another bottle, but super sleuth Rossi interrupts my thoughts.
“I think we should refrain from any more wine tonight. You’re still recovering from your procedure, and neither of us want the joys of a hangover.” He chuckles and grins, making me laugh a full belly laugh that feels so good right at the moment. He really knows how to break the tension and get me out of my head.
“It’s so gorgeous here, Dave. This night is breathtaking. I agree, no more wine, but I just want to stargaze for a while.” He nods, and I feel almost nostalgic. “You know, when I was a little girl there were times when my family was awesome, not a lot of times, but every now and then. When my dad was trying to fight his mania he would pile us kids in the car and drive us thirty or so miles north of Las Cruces until there was nothing but the occasional rest stop or picnic table. Back then they had places where people could stop that had no bathrooms, just a few picnic tables. There were no trash cans, no electricity, nothing but the New Mexico scenery. I remember we would stop at the same one every time and we would get out and lay on the tables and look up at the sky. There was no light pollution, no buildings, no smog, nothing but the desert and stars and the moon. Virginia is beautiful, but it’s got nothing on the New Mexico skies.” I look down, scuffing my toe and trying to piece together my thoughts. I realize I’ve had more wine than I thought, as my brain is more of a sieve, letting information pass through without catching much. “I sometimes try to pinpoint where it went wrong with my parents, where it went wrong with my brother, when I decided to leave the desert and never look back. We’ve only been to New Mexico a handful of times since I joined the team, and never to anywhere I had memories. I can’t tell if going back would be cathartic or disappointing. My best friend is in my hometown, not that they’re from Las Cruces, they just ended up working there. If I go visit them, if I spend some time there, would…do you think I could still come back to your house when I’m ready? I know you keep saying that I can stay as long as I want, but I’ve never had anyone not get sick of having me around until Spencer. Well, I don’t think he counts because he clearly was not too fond of me to not cheat.”
I suddenly burst into tears, hugging myself tighter in the blanket, my body wracking with the force of my emotions. Dave immediately wraps me in a hug, rubbing his hand across my shoulders and rocking me slightly. I can’t make it stop. I can’t slow the fall of tears and the gut wrenching sounds that are coming out of me. I can’t speak, I can’t even open my eyes, I can only cry, for me, for my baby, for my marriage, for my career, for my support system, for my childhood, for the girl in me who just wanted someone to think she was worthwhile and good enough. I lose track of time just sobbing on Dave’s patio, and after awhile it all slows, and my breathing returns to normal, my eyes open, and I am no longer leaking out of every hole in my face, which I cannot even think about now, it’s too embarrassing. I croak out, “I’m so sorry Dave, I just cried and snotted all over your shirt. I didn’t mean to drop all of that on you. I don’t even know where that came from. Maybe it’s the wine.” I can’t meet his eyes, and I am suddenly aware I’m doing the same thing I’ve done when I’m upset ever since I was a child; I’m apologizing for having feelings. This almost sets me off again until Dave lifts my chin with his hand and catches my eye.
“Don’t ever be sorry for being human around me, Y/n. I think I need to say this in a different way, because of your childhood, but when I say this is what families do for each other I mean we are here for the tears, the snot, the blood, the feelings, the fun, the not-so-fun, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. Being my family is unconditional. You don’t have to shove down your feelings or try and make yourself bite size so as not to be too much. I think you’ve been moving from one unstable social group to another ever since you were a child. I’m so goddamn mad at this team, especially Spencer, for not accepting you as you are, and as far as he is concerned, he should have cherished you, not made you feel like you were a burden or baggage for him to bear. If anyone was unworthy in your relationship it was the man who put his friendships, career, hobbies, interests, academics, and everything before you, when he vowed to put you first when you were married. I’m not claiming to be the most stable person out there, but in this I am unwavering. You are my family regardless of what happens, regardless of your mood or mental health. I’m here for you for it all, kiddo. And just so you know if I ever had a daughter, I would want her to be a lot like you. And as far as coming back here, this is your home now. So you can go on vacation, take a sabbatical, move away, take a job in Antarctica, and you will always be welcome back home when you want or need to return.” I throw my arms around his neck and nod, feeling my shoulders fall in relief. He walks me back into the house and leads me to my room. As I open the door he kisses me on the forehead and wishes me a good night. I cannot even bother to change into my pajamas, I just clumsily remove my bra and crash onto the mattress.
It takes me a minute to realize my snoring woke me up. I want to chuckle about that, but my throat is dry, my head is achy, and my face is puffy and a little sore. I make my way to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror before using the toilet. I undoubtedly need to wash yesterday off of my body. I also need to reach out again to the therapists my doctor recommended because Dave may be my family now, but he is not my therapist. I can’t keep dumping all my trauma on him. Not because I think he’ll leave, but because it’s unfair. A small smile graces my lips as I realize I just thought of myself as Dave’s family, maybe for the first time, and it feels really good.
After stepping out of the shower I take some time to do some skin care, I haven’t been very diligent about it and I realize it’s a very grounding task that I should probably make more of a priority. Once I’m dressed I quickly call the first therapist on the list. The receptionist lets me know they aren’t taking new patients, so I work my way down the list, leaving messages with the people who answer the calls, letting them know I’m looking to deal with my divorce, the infidelity, losing my career, and also some old family trauma that was never dealt with. When it’s all said and done I have an appointment in two days, in the afternoon, with Bella. It’s comforting to me that she is a woman, and I realize my lack of female relationships probably stems from my desire to be “good enough” for the men that have come in and out of my life. Female companionship has always been an afterthought. But right now I don’t feel respected by men in general, and Hotch and Dave are the only exceptions to that rule. Perhaps making an effort to find women to turn to in my life would be helpful. I feel a lot lighter, a lot less slogged down with everything all at once. I’m also starving, so I make my way downstairs and grab a cup of coffee before making some scrambled eggs and toast. I’m starting to get my appetite back, and I feel like that is a really good sign.
Once I’ve cleaned up my mess I decide to call my best friend. Truly this human has been my rock since freshman year of my undergrad program. We both hate talking on the phone, them more so than me. I send a quick text saying hi, how are you, do you have time for a quick chat either on the phone or through Hangouts, and they reply they can’t talk now, but Hangouts would be fine. Pulling up the app I take a deep breath and start my conversation.
‘Hey there, I just wanted to run something by you. I know you have a ton on your plate right now, and I don’t want to be an inconvenience, but I’m considering coming back to NM soonish, and I’d really like to know if we can get together. Honestly I don’t know if I can go to Las Cruces without you by my side. Can you let me know if there’s a time you have some availability? Maybe we can drive to Truth or Consequences and go to the hot springs?’
I let out a huge breath, it’s done. I can’t put my finger on why it’s so hard for me to send this message, we’ve always met up in a different location, nowhere near New Mexico or Virginia/DC. I slowly start to realize that I’m going back to my roots, maybe I can go to the cemetery where my family is buried. I can’t imagine my parents are still there, let alone my brother, but I am taking the risk of running into them. And what would I say if I saw them, ‘oh, me? I just quit my job with the FBI, and I’m getting divorced because my husband cheated on me, I have no kids or pets or anything to speak of, and I haven’t even done research work in the past 18 months, oh and I had an abortion. How’s your life going, Dad?’ I hate when my brain piles it all on at once, overwhelming me and making it so hard to think rationally. I’m saved by the notification tone on my phone.
‘Hey there! I am busy, but the semester ends in three weeks. I’ll have some time off over the holidays, and I would love to spend that time with you. Maybe we could start here and do a road trip through New Mexico? Honestly the hot springs sound amazing, it’s been a tough semester. We should go to Ruidoso, and Cloudcroft, maybe head up to Santa Fe? I know you have places you want to go to get some closure and stuff, let’s plan it out!’
The grin on my face almost hurts and I have to gather my thoughts for a minute because I was so afraid of getting rejected by them that I didn’t really come up with any plans.
‘Oh that sounds amazing! I’d love to go to Kingston and see the Gila National Forest, and maybe Silver City and walk the Iron Bridge and the Big Ditch? I’m down for all of it. Also, side note, have you run into anyone in my family? Anyone with my last name or anything? I’m meeting with a therapist in two days and I kind of want to prepare myself incase I run into anyone?’
I’ve been so bottled up for so long and now it feels like I get more and more relief the more layers I peel back and expose. I don’t think I’ve opened up this much about my family and life without some booze and a lot of cajoling. I’m really grateful for them, and their patience with my hot and cold tendencies. I should be writing all this down to take with me when I see Bella. I feel like I need to be prepared. My friend messages me back saying they haven’t seen or heard of anyone related to me in the six years they’ve been there. They let me know they have office hours now and students are waiting, but we can plan the trip over the next couple of weeks.
Dave wanders in as I’m wrapping up my convo and smiles at me. “I haven’t seen you look so happy and carefree since all of this started. What do you have going on over there?” I laugh, just relieved and honestly excited to know I can foster these connections with people like my best friend, Dave, and Hotch. I’m working on taking down my barriers with people who have proven to me they can be trustworthy and caring, not like other people in my life whom I could never really let down my guard with.
Spencer would, on rare occasions, sit and listen to me talk about my life before him, asking probing questions, encouraging me to delve deeper, but I sometimes felt more like one of our victims than his wife. Other times he was somewhere else in his head entirely. I wasn’t ever completely at ease because he was so guarded, and I myself tend to be guarded. It’s not that I didn’t love him, and we weren’t unhappy, but I don’t think either of us were one hundred percent present. He needed me to not probe about his mother and father, he wasn’t ready to unpack all of that and deal with his feelings. So I didn’t probe, I assured him it didn’t matter to me if he never wanted to talk about it. He never bothered to let me know he felt the same way about my childhood trauma, but it was clear. It’s starting to feel like there were a lot more cracks in our foundation than I realized, and maybe his cheating was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. There had to be a catalyst because how long can two people have a relationship that is only a surface level connection? How much of the breakdown of our relationship falls on my shoulders as well? Maybe we were just going through the motions and doing things that married people are supposed to do. Maybe we did fall in love, but that love was easy because we weren’t going to have a spouse who wasn’t understanding of our long and strange hours. We knew we both had nightmares and triggers from the job, there was no need to explain or apologize. And when two very particular people live together, it makes it easy to accept each other’s quirks. My pulse is quickening, so I take a few deep breaths and look at Dave, who is watching me curiously.
“Dave, do you have a minute? I think I’m coming to a lot of realizations at once.” He nods, crossing his arms and leaning back against the counter. “I don’t think it’s my fault at all that Spencer cheated, but I do think I’m partially responsible for the end of our marriage. How do I know how much of our connection was because we knew what each other’s lives were like, and we didn’t want to share our own trauma or pry the other’s trauma from them. I think we had a very superficial relationship, and I think we both went through the motions because that was the next step in a relationship; date, exclusivity, living together, engagement, marriage, baby. We never stopped and asked each other the why behind our inability to open up. We never asked ourselves those questions either. And we weren’t going to be angry about the job and the hours and the issues working this job comes with. I’m not saying I never loved him, I still love him, but I think his cheating was just the last straw. Maybe it didn’t come out of nowhere. And maybe he didn’t know how to explain how he fell in love with someone he could dive deeper with. And maybe I need to heal before I can try to be a good partner to anyone in the future, because I’m not blameless in this situation, I’m just the injured party.” Dave’s brow is furrowed, but not necessarily with anger, it’s more like he’s thinking hard about what I’ve said. He uncrosses his arms, pushes off the counter and takes the seat next to me at the island.
“I can’t say for sure what your relationship with Spencer was or wasn’t, but I can tell you a few things. I think you both did, and maybe do still love each other. I think you both had terrible examples of how marriages and relationships work. His dad checked out long before he left, and your parents stayed together while your dad treated your mom and you kids terribly. Your mom enabled that behavior for the sake of staying together. I think that led you to maybe put up with Spencer’s quirks, and also on his end his father’s actions made it easier for him to begin an affair, to fall in love with someone else. I think you all did maybe move too fast, and I see why. None of my marriages were to fellow agents, or law enforcement in general. It was hard on my wives to have me absent and distracted by work all the time. It was unfair. But with you two? You both get it and don’t take it personally. You never batted an eye when Spencer couldn’t sleep and left for Quantico at all hours of the night. He never batted an eye when you spent time in your office working on research, or cold case files, or anything else you did to decompress, because you both shared work time and a home life.
“Neither of you really missed each other or had to learn to ask for more presence in the relationship. I can see how that breakdown happened from both ends. And yeah, it was probably going to end eventually, but the only person at fault is Spencer for being deceitful and underhanded in the way he went about it. You both had flaws, but you didn’t break your vows, and you never behaved in a way that wasn’t considerate, even when you had every right to. This might be a great place to start with your therapist, but I don’t think you should beat yourself up over it. Learn from it. Grow from it. And when you’re ready, and more healed, and more self aware, I’m sure love will find you again. And this time you’ll be more prepared to make it work.” Damnit, Dave should have had children. There is something so calming and soothing about Dave and the way he can help a person deal with a crisis without letting them fall into self loathing. I feel so calm in the realization that I need to sit down and talk to Spencer one last time. I need to tell him I understand where we both fell short, and for that I am sad, but because of his infidelity and lies, and the way he has treated me since I became aware of Maeve’s existence, I cannot have him in my life in any capacity.
“Dave I have to see him again. I’m going to see if my attorney can mediate for us, so I’m not alone with him, but I need to say some things, and I want some answers. I’m going to message Hotch about this, but I think it’s the right thing for me. I just don’t want him to think that I want to talk to reconcile.” Dave looks shocked. It’s bizarre to see him speechless and flabbergasted, and I almost want to laugh but I keep it in check.
He opens his mouth to speak, and promptly closes it a couple times. Finally, with an exasperated sigh, he begins “If you’re sure this is what you need and want then I support you. I want you to be prepared for a wounded animal in that room, though. And a wounded animal will fight. Spencer may not admit it or be aware of it, but he was always banking on coming out of this the winner. He would get out of his marriage to you when and only when he was sure about Maeve. He would facilitate her rescue and be the hero. They would fall in love and live happily ever after and everyone would be understanding because life is just ‘so hard for Spencer’. He never once considered there would be consequences for his actions, and more importantly he never thought through the fact that he wouldn’t meet her and be completely sure of her before he had to tell you. He was counting on having a new place to lay his head before he left your home. Now he’s floundering, he has no lover, no wife, no home, his career is in jeopardy, and there is no Gideon to finesse the situation at work. No one with any ability to impact his career is going out of their way to ensure he stays on the team and suffers no consequences. He’s emotionally dangerous, Y/n. Just know that you’re going into the viper pit.” He nods as he finishes, looking at me with concern.
“I didn’t think of it that way, Dave, thank you for bringing that up. I didn’t even think of the fact that he always gets what he wants because he’s a genius, he’s so integral to the team’s success rate. But you’re right, there is no Gideon for him anymore. Hotch, between you and me, is considering strongly taking his retirement offer they left on the table when Haley died. He’s not going out of his way to destroy Spencer, but he has been documenting every time he’s gone rogue. And I know he won’t have you to bail him out with your connections. JJ can’t do anything for him, she’s actually in hot water herself, and Garcia is basically going to be babysat at all times, not that she can sway Strauss. Morgan might speak up, but I doubt it. And Hotch is actually thinking about dismantling the team, reorganizing how they work cases and who goes where with whom. I think you’re right, and I think he’s blindsided every time he runs into an obstacle or a reprimand. Every time someone doesn’t give in to his wishes it’s another slap in the face. Do you think it would be okay to ask Hotch to mediate for us? I would feel better with him than with my lawyer, if I’m being completely honest.” This is more complicated than I anticipated. I don’t feel discouraged from meeting with him, but I do feel much more cautious about it.
“I agree, and for what it’s worth I think Hotch is one hundred percent right. I also think he would be absolutely willing to mediate a sit down with the two of you. Hotch is one of a few people Spencer actually listens to and respects. Maybe give him a call in a bit? Honestly you look like you need a nap, no offense.” He chuckles a bit and shakes my shoulder affectionately. I realize I do, in fact, need a nap, and some tylenol. I grab a glass of water and head up to my room, exhausted, and the day isn’t even half over.