Chapter Text
After various gigs and a lot of dedication from the group,they finally take off. Suede is labeled as The Best New Band In Britian on the cover of Melody Maker,the famous music magazine. People start to attend more to their gigs and recognize them as a proper band. They also get a contract of the record company to make their own first album.
To this point,all four members of the band are very delighted with their perseverance and dedication finally paid off well. Things go on like a fantasy for them who are the London-based band making a living by making music and being in the spotlight.
Things also go on very well for Brett and Bernard,but there is no progress in their personal relationship. Some might say they are best friends of each other,but that's just it.
The first album soon becomes a successful hit. It is one of the best-selling debut albums in Britian ever. They all still enjoy the fame and all the fun of producing records;however,fame also brings pressure. Brett takes the pressure on himself. He feels the urge to be unique and extraordinary. During that time,there are also a lot of bands rising to fame at the same time as they do such as Oasis,Blur or even his ex-girlfriend's band,Elastica.
Brett feels the need to differentiate himself and his band among their competitors. His last resort is drug. He takes a lot of drug,hoping that it can help him craft his own persona and broaden his imagination.Nonetheless,the drug backfires him too. It all spreads to his life like a plague and turns him into a nocturnal creature,doing drugs,going to party every Friday and Saturday night,smoking a ton of cigarettes and drinking like a drunkard. Everyone in the band knows how far Brett have gone and no one can stop him,even Bernard. Brett's hedonist lifestyle sometimes creates tension,instead it's mostly a great ocean between the two.
Bernard feels like Brett is drifting away from his world,the old comfortable world they once used to share. However,they still working with each other trying to complete their second incoming album.
Things keep going on steadily,until one day..
Brett realizes that Bernard has a girlfriend,Elisa
Brett does not really shocked or surprised,instead he feels empty,as the eye of a tornado might feel. At the end of the day,he regrets it. He hates himself for missing a chance that he did not even take. Supposed Bernard might answer,if he says a word. But it does not matter now. He shall never confess since it will only break them.
It hurts as if there is a knife stabbed in his chest somewhere and he is struggling to breathe,but he needs to accept the truth. It's just that bullshit fantasy he's drowning himself with. He just feels like shit. Why he keeps thinking that this might work? That Bernard might like him too? Bullshit! He painfully knows the fact that this is not real. He just keeps his hope up and feeding himself with fairy tales.
"Shit.........
It's all fucking over now
I fucked it up
I cannot make it
Both of us
Is all lie
A bloody lie
I should have told you
At least to let you know
But I am too afraid
I still don't want to lose you
How can I stand it?
The pain of losing you
When all that I want
Is just to be close to you."
.
.
.
It all goes back to the beginning. Brett is smoking in his room,jamming David Bowie's Quicksand with his acoustic guitar. In the middle of the song,he stops and put the guitar away. He always knows that he is not a guitarist,just an ordinary guy who prefer to sing and can play guitar along. He does not have tunes in his head,instead has words floating around. But he sees no harm in playing guitar just for fun such as time like this
Brett glances at the black cassette lying on his bed .Bernard tapes it with the their new song in instrumental version for him to take home and write some lyrics since their working hours are hardly matched these day. Brett feels like he's living like a nocturnal creature,waking up in the afternoon and partying till the sun comes up on the next day.
He indulge himself more in drug,cigarette and drinking. It helps him clear his head and to forget how obviously he despites himself,but only on a temporary amount of time. However,it is better than nothing at all. Brett knows he's living like a trash these day,but he does not want to stop. It helps him with the pain,all the pressure,the nerves and the heartache.
"It all comes down to you.
Bernard."
Brett puts the cassette into the Walkman and plays it. He lets the music play and jots words that coming through his head down. Later,He notices that there is something strange with him. He feels like his focus is not there as if it's drifting away like a plastic bag on the street. Brett is replaying the record again and trying to listen to the melodies attentively.
It does not work. He feels empty and shit and hatful of hollow inside. He gets the tape out from Walkman and lies down on the bed,breathing in and out slowly.
The thick air and the dust in the room cling to Brett's skin. He feels very still,unmoving, so still that he could hear the sound of his heart beating inside.
'It is now or never.
... But you need to take a chance,it is either go big or go home.'
Brett touches his own shoulder ,where Bernard sometimes pats and puts his hands on too. He longs for the warmth,but it all wanes now. He just feels cold and alone.
He is lying in his bed,listening to the sound of clock ticking between silence. He looks up at the clock. It's late,almost 10 PM. Maybe he should wait for tomorrow,but this will not stop if he waits a little longer. He's tired,so tired of his own feeling. It is as if two Siamese cats fighting in his own head all the time about what he wants to do and what he is supposed to do.
Brett is tired of waiting,of concealing his feeling in silence. At the end of the day,what's different does it make? When his hope is lost and there is nothing he can do about it because he lets it all happen without doing anything.
"It's all my fucking fault"
He finds himself wondering around London's streets,thinking about what could have been between him and Bernard. Around 10.30,he winds up in front of Bernard's flat. With some reluctance,he knocks. He waits for around 5 minutes before Bernard greets him with black polo shirt,jeans and same old messy hair that he always has.
"Is Elisa here?" Brett asks at the sight
Bernard looks startled for a minute,but shakes his head.
"Brett,you should come in first" Bernard swings the door open so Brett can come in easily. He then walks to the kitchen to make some tea. Brett follows him in. He feels nostalgic about this place,how they used to spend time together here,on the couch writing a song,drinking some tea and listening to their favorite records. He throws himself on the couch and sighs. Looking at the ceiling of Bernard's flat,Brett feels like he's tearing up. He just wants to cry. What the fuck he gets himself into? Why he's here? He wishes he did not come. Maybe he should leave and tell Bernard that there's nothing.
"Would you like a cup of tea" Bernard asks,looking at him from the kitchen. He then flashes his same old sunshine smile.
'Why you keep smiling at me?
Don't smile at me! I don't deserve that.
I don't own anything
,even you or your heart.
It's shit.
It's nothing.
I should have told you.
We could have been together.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.'
Brett feels the warmth around his eyes,tears coming right down. He quickly wipes away. Bernard seems shocked. He really does not know what to do. He sits next to Brett who is still struggle with emotion breakdown. Bernard puts his hand on Brett shoulder which he can sense that it's trembling.
"What's wrong?" Bernard asks,fixing his eyes on Brett. Brett is trying to look at something else,the table,the floor,the ceiling,anything but Bernard's face. He just cannot bare it. If he looks straight to Bernard's eyes now, he might not know what to feel anymore.
"Just give me a minute." Brett says. He tries to breathe deeply. Bernard's hand is still on his shoulder,but he feels worse.
Brett sobs for a minute until he can gather his conscious and courage. It's now or never and all he has to do is to say it. Just fucking say it.
"Bernard... I need to tell you something" Brett breaks the silence. He looks at the floor and sighs.
".....I am listening"
"I am sorry for bothering you during these hours. I am sorry if what I am going to say will make you hate me. I am sorry for being such a trash lately. I know I am not that kind of nice guy and you might already hate me. But I need to tell you this. Because if I am not,I just can't."
Brett pauses and breathes in slowly. He knows that this time has to come. This is it. He just need to say those words.
"Bernard, I think I love you"
There's nothing. The silence falls in between the two. Bernard is still looking at Brett,while Brett is looking at the floor.
Brett wishes he just could disappear or vanish into thin air. This silence is very uncomfortable. It is as if there is an elephant in the room and both of them pretend that they don't see it. He just can't take it. He does not want rejection or sympathy. Maybe he needs to leave. Going somewhere,just to forget about this thing. He just fucks it up,again.
'If you have never felt the same
And all this is fantasy
Just fucking let me go
Don't humiliate me
Because I just can't.....
Can't bare it'
After about 10 minutes of silence and nobody doing anything,Brett decides to get up. He walks as fast as he could to the door,but Bernard stops him.
"Wait" Bernard is looking at him with serious facial expression. Brett does not know what to feel right now. Maybe Bernard hates him now,but it does not matter. He just needs to get out and disappear.
"What?" Brett asks,still cannot make the eye contact
"How long?"
"What?" Brett seems startled. He just can't. Please don't talk about it. Stop reminding me that I am an idiot falling for you
"I wanna know how long" Bernard still grabs his wrist firmly that sometimes Brett hurts a bit,but he does not really care.
"Just let me fucking go home" Brett feels like he is tearing up again. He does not want to cry,especially in front of Bernard. It seems so stupid. Why he keeps crying? He never ever understands himself.
"Brett" Bernard calls out his name,harsher than he has ever spoken to him. Brett feels the sting of it,but he is just so tired and all he wants is to go home and disappear.
"Since you have joined the band. Since you helped me get over Justine." Brett feels his tears running down. He cannot hold it back anymore and it ends up all exposed in front of Bernard. Fuck.
"Bernard,would you just fucking let me g---" the last phrase of Brett's words gets cut as Bernard pulls him close harshly. Bernard grabs the sides of Brett's face and pulls him down, smashing their lips together in a kiss that's brutal, like a slap. It isn't at all what Brett dreams about feeling with Bernard. All of his indulgent fantasies are filled with soft, chaste kisses and contented sighs. But this kiss is all rough and he feels the softness of Bernard's shirt against him, but it's hot to the touch. He's hot all over, crushed by the heat of this kiss, and it hurts.He feels like he's on fire as their tongues tease at each other. He feels trapped and burning and alive. For the first time, he feels like a real, living breathing person instead of a living dead boy. But it hurts. It hurts so badly because he knows this is all he's going to get.
Brett pulls away suddenly,gasping for breath. He looks at Bernard with confusion.
"What's that?" Brett asks,looking at Bernard as if he's a wild animal. Brett still cannot believe what happened a minute ago. He's just confused.
"I need to make up" Bernard says and grins. He approaches Brett slowly. Touching Brett's neck, Bernard pulls Brett closer for another kiss,but Brett pushes him away.
"Are you out of your mind? What's about Elisa? We can't do this Bernard. I've come too late. I should leave." Brett feels like he's breaking up inside again. The thought of them cannot be together will always become soft spot for him. He partly wishes Bernard would not rush into Elisa so soon,but he cannot blame anyone else except himself.
"Are you sure you really want to leave?" Bernard ask,still grabbing Brett's wrist firmly. Their eyes finally meet and Brett feels like Bernard sees him through. He feels weak,fragile and helpless.
"You will regret this,Bernard"
"I will not regret this,not even in the slightest doubt. "
Brett does not answer,but he embraces Bernard. For a moment,it feels like all those fantasies come true. Brett knows by heart the consequence of the night. It will break him and Bernard and Suede will never be the same. But it's all he has got now.
"I won't do anything unless you want me to." Bernard whispers into Brett's ear, the warm breath on his neck making Brett shiver. Brett,himself,could feel Bernard warm body pressed against him. Meanwhile, Bernard hands come to rest against Brett's jawline. Brett feels like he is drowning or even dreaming.
Brett slowly nods his head, his heart feeling as though it will explode if he does not let this happens. Bernard's lips are warm as he feels himself being taken over by curiosity and lust. This kiss is mild and softer than the first one. It's the one that Brett has been dreaming of. Brett feels himself being taken by waves after waves of lust and love,but this feels so right. This feeling,this moment,he and Bernard is just right.
In the morning, Brett wakes up with the same sight of London,no trace of Bernard to be found.
The next day Bernard does not turn up in the studio. Brett tells other members that Bernard's left. He knows by heart because of that night it will be him or Bernard to leave the band anyway;because both of them drown to each other. If Bernard stays,it will break his life with Elisa and Brett knows how much Bernard wants family and it's better to build up a family with Elisa than throwing Bernard's life with a band whose frontman is a drug-addict like him. If Brett stays,he just can't stop his feeling either. He's terrified, absolutely fucking terrified about what he feels for Bernard and it might go out of hand or go further than that night. They just cannot let it happen again.
Only Simon and Mat know the truth behinds Bernard's leaving and three of them agree to not bring it up. They still want to run the band though, keep making good records.
A week later,Bernard announces his wedding with Elisa. No member of the band is invited.
"Even though,it's all too late and you are not here anymore, I still do.
I really...
Love you.
If I will never see meet in this life again,Bernard
Let me feel the lack"