Chapter Text
By the next day Barry had back full range of motion for his arm, and everything was completely healed. He still stayed home, and Len stayed with him for most of the day. Sometime in the afternoon Caitlin came over.
Len let her in and Barry frowned when he saw her. “I thought everything was good now?” he said. He reached across his chest to touch his shoulder, where there was still a scar, and rubbed at it subconsciously.
“You are,” Caitlin said, “I just wanted to come over and see how you were feeling.”
“You didn’t tell me you were coming,” Barry said, frowning. He started to shift, looking between Caitlin and Len. If this was just a friendly visit she would have told him she was coming.
Caitlin glanced over at Len, and he sighed before sitting back down next to Barry. “We wanted to talk to you about something, Barry,” he said. He saw Barry tense, and quickly added, “not about your injuries – those are all healed. Totally healed, Barry.”
Barry relaxed again, but still kept looking between them, from Len next to him to Caitlin who had taken a seat on one of the other big chairs in the living room.
“We wanted to talk about what you said when you were hurt,” Caitlin said, “about not fixing your shoulder.”
Barry started to tense again. His stomach twisted. He had been trying not to think about the whole thing, especially about that first day there, when he had been in so much pain, when they had to do surgery. He shuddered.
“You said you didn’t want Caitlin to fix it,” Len said, “when it happened… you were in pain, and we did it anyway, because we thought that’s what you would have wanted if you were thinking clearly, but this…”
Caitlin picked up where he left off. “As your doctor,” Caitlin said, “I would advise getting yourself fixed up no matter what,” she said, “because with things like that – surgeries you don’t do, muscle tears, torn ligaments – you never know what the damage can be down the road – impaired movement, chronic pain, loss of function – and as your friend I think it’s better to get whatever needs to be done over with, but ultimately, it’s your choice.”
“We know you get scared,” Len said, “and we know you can’t always make good decisions for yourself when you’re afraid, but we need you to really think about this, Scarlet, because it is – it should be – your decision. So we need to know – Caitlin, your doctor, needs to know – if something like this happens again, do you want us to not fix it?”
Barry was shocked. He stared at them. “Not fix it?”
They both nodded, waiting for his reaction. He sputtered.
“You’re – it’s… it’s my choice?”
Caitlin’s brow furrowed. “Yes,” she said, “it’s always – it always should be your choice, Barry. It’s your body. I mean, if it’s life-threatening, then there’s not much I can do – I’m not going to watch you die on me, Barry. But for something like this – something like your arm – it was healing. I could have stitched it up and left it, Barry. I didn’t, because you would have never been able to use that arm again – you might have been able to lift it halfway up, might have been able to control most of your fingers – but it would have caused damage that wasn’t going to heal on it’s own. I also could have left it, and done the surgery later. It would have been more extensive, with a slightly lower success probability, but I could have.”
“We need you to think about this, Scarlett,” Len said, “about what it would mean, and what you want – I know the pain was bad – was way too much, not something you should have had to endure, but that kind of injury would have limited your ability to be the Flash. You need to think about whether or not that’s worth it.”
Barry was quiet, and then he ran a hand through his hair, the movement sudden, almost violent. “I…” he said, “I don’t… I don’t know.”
“You don’t need to decide now,” Caitlin said, but Barry was already shaking his head. He looked up at her.
“I… I could have done it later? The surgery on my arm? I could have waited a few days?”
“Yes,” Caitlin said, “It would have been longer then – more work involved, and there was a lower chance of success. But yes.”
He frowned. “Would there ever… would there ever be a situation where the chance of success… where it wouldn’t be lower, if I waited.”
“Yes,” she said, “there could be situations like that. Whatever it was it would probably mean a little more work, because it would already be healed, but sure, there are plenty of potential surgeries where the success rate would be the same.”
Barry took a deep breath. “I want a choice on that,” he said, “I want… I want you to give me the choice to – to wait, if it’s… if it’s the same success rate… even if it means a little more work.”
“OK,” Caitlin said, “I can do that. We can do that.”
“Are you sure, though, Scarlett,” Len said, “When you’re… when you’re upset, you sometimes have a… a tendency to put things off. It might make it worse – the anticipation.”
Barry shook his head. “I want a choice,” he said. His lip trembled. “If I’m… even if I’m scared – if I’m – you’ll still give me the choice, right? Even if I’m totally out of it, even if I’m scared and in pain and not listening.”
“Yes,” Caitlin said, “unless there are extenuating circumstances – if I don’t think you’re capable of thinking rationally and there’s some extenuating circumstance that I think would change your mind if you were thinking rationally – then I could overrule your decision.”
“Like when?” Barry asked, frowning.
“Like if it were going to be significantly more painful if you waited,” Caitlin said, “if you got cut open, and there was a minor surgery to fix something, and you were too far gone with pain or fear to listen to me, then I might fix it right then before stitching you up, so I wouldn’t have to just cut you open again later and put in stitches again.”
Barry nodded. “OK,” he said.
“But unless that were the case, yes I would still go by your decision,” she said.
“OK,” Barry said. “then I – I want that.”
“Even if you’d just have to get it done later?” Len said, frowning.
Barry nodded. “I – I’d rather have… I was in so much pain, Len, I… it just kept coming. It felt like I couldn’t catch my breath, I… I would have wanted to wait, even just a few days, to calm down, to – to not have it all at once, right after, it – and I – I need to have a choice.” His voice got small. “When it – when you just start working, when I – when I’m begging you not to and you’re not listening to me, it – it feels like I’m there, and I – I want to have a choice.”
“We’ll give you a choice,” Caitlin said, her voice warm, “but what about the rest of it, Barry?”
“You told me you didn’t want us to do it,” Len said, “if it happened again. You said you’d rather take the damage.”
Barry was quiet again. “I…,” he looked at them, his eyes wide. “I don’t know,” he whispered.
“You can think about it,” Caitlin said, but once again, Barry was shaking his head, and now tears were welling up in his eyes.
“I – I don’t… it hurt so much.” He wiped a sleeve across his eyes. “It – but I… I want to be the Flash. I like being the Flash, I love being the Flash, I can’t just…”
“You are more than just the Flash, Barry,” Len said.
He nodded. “I know, but… but I love it, I…”
“We know you do,” Len said, “and if you decide it’s worth it, then that’s what we’ll do. Caitlin will make sure that she does everything to keep you running around.”
Barry’s jaw tightened. “I don’t… I don’t know, Len. I’m… I’m glad you did it now, the surgery, but… but it hurt… it… it was so bad. I – I just wanted you to stop, and you wouldn’t, and that – I don’t know.”
“It’s up to you,” Caitlin said.
Barry was silent, staring at the ground, and his jaw tightened again and he looked up, taking a deep breath. “Yeah, I – yes, do it, just… yeah.”
“You want me to perform any procedures that without would impair your ability to be the Flash?” she said.
Barry closed his eyes. “Yes,” he said. “Yes, I… yes, I do.”
“What about the success rate,” Caitlin asked, “if there’s a lower success rate if you wait, do you still want the option to wait?”
He squeezed his eyes shut again. “No,” he said, it sounded choked.
“Barry,” Len said quietly, “take a deep breath.” Barry did, and Len rubbed his shoulder. He waited for Barry to look up again. “You’re sure?” Len said. “This means that when you’re telling us to stop we won’t – not if it has a lower success rate if we wait, and not if the surgery impairs your ability to be the Flash.”
“I’m sure,” Barry said, and he sounded a little better when he said it this time. Len didn’t want to make him so obviously distressed, but he needed to know Barry was agreeing to this definitively, that he understood what it meant. Because next time he was yelling at them to stop, Len needed to know that what Barry really wanted was for them to continue.
“OK,” Len said.
“If you change your mind,” Caitlin said, “at any point, Barry – you need to tell me. Not wait until the next time you get hurt, because once your hurt I’m not going to listen to negotiations on it, OK? Unless it’s something we can wait on, like you said earlier – and then it’s your choice. But if that’s not the case, then if you say you’ve changed your mind about things, we’re still going to go ahead with the surgery. So if you change your mind tell me right away, not when you get hurt.”
“OK,” he said. Len gave his shoulder a squeeze.
“Alright,” Len said, and Caitlin smiled and stood up.
“Now,” she said, “I believe since you are fully healed, this deserves a celebration. I have two dozen cupcakes in the car and the Flash Poison 3.0” She looked at Len. “And champagne.”
“And me!” There was a yell as the door opened. They looked over where Cisco was standing, balancing a platter of cupcakes in one hand while holding a bottle of champagne.
“And Cisco,” Caitlin said.
“You’ve been in the car?” Barry nearly yelled.
“Yeah, they didn’t want to crowd you when they got all serious talk going on,” Cisco said, walking into the room. Caitlin took the platter of cupcakes before he dropped them, and then Cisco stood back up straight and grinned. “So I stayed in the car. So, now that the “serious talk” is done, because you’re gaming station is pitiful, I have brought a selection to choose from.”
So Barry spent the rest of the night gaming with Cisco, making fun of Len’s absolutely pathetic Halo skills, eating cupcakes, and testing out the Flash Poison 3.0, which actually turned out to be Flash Poison 3.0, 3.1, 3.2, and 3.3. 3.0 didn’t do anything, 3.2 got him very drunk for about a half a minute, and 3.3 got him a little buzzed for a full ten minutes. But Flash Poison 3.1 was able to get him somewhere between very buzzed and slightly drunk for a full seven minutes, and that was the winner. Caitlin said she’d be trying for Flash Poison 4.0 soon.
The semi-party, which was later joined by Iris, Eddie, and Joe, helped Barry forget about the conversation him, Len, and Caitlin had beforehand. And once he had a chance to calm down about it, and really think it over, he didn’t regret what he decided, didn’t want to change anything. He did want a choice when he could wait without it affecting his recovery, and he did really want to be the Flash, and he was willing to do what it took to keep that. He knew if he did ever decide not to get something done, and he couldn’t be the Flash, it would grate on him. He didn’t think he could do that, willingly give it up, no matter how much it would hurt to get it fixed.
He enjoyed being the Flash too much. He liked helping people. He liked running. He wasn’t ready to give that up, and he wasn’t ready to let the people who had kidnapped and tortured him have that too – wasn’t going to let them take that from him.
The whole ordeal of those few days after he was injured stayed with him for several weeks after. He was jumpy and more anxious than normal for the next week, and for about a month the memories of the surgery Caitlin had performed on his arm were added to the repertoire of nightmares that cycled through his brain when he slept.
But he started staying at Len’s apartment more, started sleeping there often, and when he woke up from nightmares Len was right beside him, arms around him, calming him down. Caitlin made some adjustments at Star Labs. She pulled all the medical equipment out of the cortex, where they normally congregated, and into the side rooms where they were put away and not right there in view whenever Barry walked (or sped) in. Cisco invited him over for video games and food when he could tell Barry needed the distraction. Iris met with him at lunch, sometimes in the morning for coffee, to talk. Sometimes that meant Barry describing his latest nightmare, or disclosing another horrific detail of his stay with his captors, but sometimes it just meant Iris complaining about her boss and Barry lamenting the amount of paperwork he still had to do. They talked, and sometimes that was enough.
Joe ignored the fact that Barry started spending a rapidly increasing amount of time at Len’s apartment. Instead he just asked when Barry was going to be home for dinner, and if he wasn’t spending the night at home to give him a text and let him know, so he wasn’t waiting up for him.
And Len let him sleep with him in his apartment, and didn’t always ask what was wrong, because he already knew. He made him dinner instead, and made sure he ate, and held him while they lay in bed, or on the couch. He started recording every nature documentary that cable television had to offer, because he discovered they for some reason they relaxed Barry like nothing else. He gave Barry a drawer at his apartment, and then two, when that one filled up. He didn’t spend every night there – still liked to have his space sometimes, still liked to have his own place at Joe’s, but Len helped supremely with the nightmares, and anyway, Barry liked to cuddle.
So he recovered. Caitlin and Cisco and Iris and Joe and Len helped, and Barry realized that even if something like this happened again, even if he had to have surgery he didn’t want in the moment, even if he had to relive the trauma over again, had to recover again, had to go through the increased slew of nightmares, the crippling anxiety, the pain and fear, that his friends and family would always be there with him to help. And that was enough for him.