Chapter Text
"Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes," Anderson smiled warmly as Shepard entered his office. Lyla grinned equally as wide and approached him for an embrace, glad to see her mentor. But then, the Illusive Man's words from the other day haunted her yet again. Why is everyone so sure it's me? Her face twisted with concerned confusion as she took a step backwards from her former captain. Her amethyst eyes darted back and forth between her mentor and her lover. Finally, the words escaped her.
"Why aren't either of you skeptical that it's me?" Lyla asked bluntly. "I was dead. The two of you knew me better than most. Aren't you the least bit worried that..." her voice wavered as she struggled to articulate the question that had been eating at her since she woke up on that station, "...that I'm not me?"
Anderson patted Shepard on the back gently and motioned to the couch. "How about you sit down, Lyla?"
Worried violet eyes traveled to Kaidan's warm face. His amber orbs met hers, his visage full of encouragement, and he nodded, took Shepard's hand, and sat beside her on the couch. Anderson settled comfortably in an adjacent chair, and continued the conversation on with a patient, understanding tone. "How much do you know?"
"Nothing," Shepard breathed out. She shrugged, sighed, and relented the one detail she knew. "Well, nothing other than that it was Cerberus who brought me back." She gulped nervously. "That's all I know. And that's what worries me." Lyla looked down at her feet and mumbled without raising her face. "What if they changed me?"
"They didn't," Kaidan's interrupted Lyla's rambling with a mostly confident voice laced with a slight waiver of doubt.
"We kept close tabs on the entire process," Anderson asserted.
"How?" Lyla's head snapped up and darted from one man to the next.
"Resources. I can't name them. Not now anyway," Anderson answered.
Kaidan brushed his fingers across Lyla's knuckles. "Anderson, could you give us some time? I think it might help Lyla if I explained things to her one-on-one."
"By all means," Anderson nodded and left the room.
Kaidan turned his body to face her and sighed. "I know I can't tell you everything now; if we stay here too long, Cerberus will get suspicious. But...is it ok if I start at the beginning?"
"Of course," Lyla breathed, the simple phrase filled with notes of confusion, curiosity, and concern.
Kaidan sat on the porch of his family's home on the orchard, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and exercise shorts. The ground and trees were covered in a thick layer of snow. Branches sagged and trees leaned under the white powder's weight. Kaidan's typically warm skin was frozen. He sat there, beyond the point of shivering, his body ice cold as his mind wandered mournfully. Is this how she felt? A woman's voice called to him, but Kaidan's mind was too distant to make his body turn or acknowledge the woman asking for him. He wasn't even sure what she was saying. A second, deeper, masculine voice chimed in, trying to calm the feminine voice, which had grown loud and hysterical, and suddenly, the burn of warm skin clasped his frozen arm.
"Kaidan, you have to come inside now," his father asserted. "Do you have any idea what this is doing to your mother to see you like this?"
Kaidan felt empty. In any other circumstance, he would have felt guilty for worrying his mother and father. He simply nodded, slowly stood, and walked back into the house. His skin began to thaw as his mother wrapped him in a wool blanket and handed him a cup of hot tea.
"You can't keep doing this, Kaidan," his mother pleaded. Every morning since the blizzard came Kaidan has risen before the sun and headed to the icy outdoors. With no one awake to stop him from torturing himself, Kaidan came to the brink of freezing over multiple times. Each time, his parents found him and dragged him back indoors before any real damage could be done every time.
"Please Kaidan, just...talk to us," his mother begged yet again.
"I can't," he breathed between sips of tea.
"At least talk to a therapist then. A private one if you don't want to talk to an Alliance official PTSD therapist," his father requested.
"I...I'll think about it," Kaidan voiced icily, getting a sigh of relief from his parents. This was the farthest they had gotten yet with him. Kaidan refilled his cup with more tea and headed out of the kitchen. "I'll be in my room. I promise I'll leave the windows closed." His parents nodded. They didn't need to say they were here for him; he already knew it.
A dusting of soft translucent white condensation outlined Kaidan's bedroom window. Everything felt wrong. I shouldn't be here. I should be on the Normandy. I should be serving the Alliance. I should be with her. But she wasn't there anymore and would never be again. I have to move on. But I can't. I should have died, not her. He stared out the window and breathed in the minty steam from his tea, his eyes red, sore, and weary as usual. He didn't sleep much these days, and when he finally did, was always woken from the same nightmare:
A tall, slender, feminine form drifts just past Kaidan's escape pod. Her body shakes and struggles, barely more than arm's length away from the safety of the vessel. Her hose is struck by debris. She clenches it to keep the air in, but it's useless. The dream is silent, like the void, and Kaidan wakes up. He can't bear to see any more of the torture from his imagination.
A dual toned voice cleared his throat behind Kaidan and whispered his name. "We need to talk," the familiar turian stated as he sat on the bed next to Kaidan.
"Garrus," Kaidan's raspy voice managed, "why are you here?"
Garrus sighed and his mandibles twitched somewhat nervously. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to put it out there." He cleared his throat again and Kaidan turned his gaze to his friend. "Liara recovered Shepard's body."
Kaidan's heart pounded in his chest. His tired whiskey eyes suddenly widened, now dimly lit whereas before they had been dark. His brow raised and lowered into a crease. Any slight joy he had from her being found had diminished within a second – it was her body that was found – she was still dead, of course. I guess now we can finally properly lay her to rest.
But Garrus continued. "She handed Lyla over to Cerberus."
"What?" Kaidan exclaimed in an accusing tone, his heart skipping a beat. "Why the hell -" his hands clenched into fists and pounded down at his side into the mattress.
"Please, let me explain," Garrus interrupted. "They have a plan in motion to revive her."
Revive her? She was spaced. There's no way they could revive her from that.
Garrus noticed the concerned and puzzled look on Kaidan's face. "They're committing billions of credits in resources to this. Liara told me not to tell you - she was worried that you would try something rash. But...it's not my place to decide that. She was the love of your life after all, not mine."
Kaidan's fingers dug into his legs, his brows furrowed as he held back tears. He had a choice to make. Do I recover Lyla's body from Cerberus and put her to rest...or do I let them bring her back? But...what if they change her? Or aren't able to bring her back? What if she isn't the same?
The two sat in silence for quite some time before Garrus finally asked "so, what do you want to do about it?"
"We need to talk to Anderson."
Udina's flustered figure rushed into the office and interrupted Kaidan's story. Lyla felt horrible about how her death affected Kaidan, but she was thankful he was compelled to tell her. There's strength in empathy – in comradery – in love.
"They needed some time, Donnel! Think about what she's been through for god sakes!" Anderson shouted at Udina, swiftly entering in on the counselor's coattails.
Kaidan smiled slightly at the interruption, and Lyla suspected this story was difficult for him to tell. His shift to a significantly more relaxed posture indicated that he had evidently needed the break from recanting that horrible time. Alenko greeted Udina in his typical, level-headed way. "Counselor," Kaidan said as he stood and shook Udina's hand.
"Alenko," Udina returned the gesture, glared at Shepard, and then back at Anderson. "What she's been through is precisely why I'm concerned about her presence here."
Kaidan's arm nervously scratched his neck, Anderson rubbed his palm against his forehead, but Lyla stood and acknowledged Udina's concern. "I get it. I would be skeptical, too, Udina."
The human counselor scoffed and muttered "of course she would be the one to have the most sense in this situation." He looked Shepard directly in the eye. "What are your intentions now, Shepard?"
"To stop the Collector attacks on human colonies. That's it." Lyla stated plainly, her body language simple and assertive.
"Well then," Udina cleared his voice. "What about Cerberus?" he folded his arms across his chest.
Lyla matched his posture. "I won't do their dirty work, if that's what you're asking."
"Hmph, That answer suffices." Udina relaxed his arms and opened his omni-tool "The council has chosen to re-instate your Spectre status."
Lyla's bright red lips turned upwards. "Thank you, Counselor."
"We would, however, like to send another Spectre along with you." Udina motioned towards the door, indicating said Spectre's eminent arrival.
Shepard was appalled. Before she could voice her disdain for them keeping tabs on her, a familiar tall, slender, angular silhouette entered the room.
"Garrus?" Shepard knew it was him, but her tone was quizzical due to the situation. He's a Spectre now?
Her turian friend seemed to smile and facetiously quipped "unless you have a problem with having a turian spectre on board?"
Lyla grinned widely and embraced her friend. "Not at all, Spectre Vakarian."