Chapter Text
This question is much more common now. The first few times he asked, it irritated me, but it is the truth, even though we also eat animal meat.
For a long time, I didn’t know if I could live like this. I knew that for Hannibal, it was the only thing possible; it is something you can not change about him.
If he kills someone, he wants me to help pick the person. We both want to choose people who deserve it. For example, the professor who harassed students and refused to accept rejection. We learned he was a rapist after looking closer. Before killing him, we cut off his genitals as punishment. We admitted it was a risky choice because usually we avoid victims we know, but we made an exception.
Sometimes Hannibal kills on his own, sometimes I accompany him. But until now, I never killed on my own.
Hannibal could still live out his lifestyle, but had to make some adjustments. Since we lived here, there were a total of five kills leading back to us. Which is not that much compared to Hannibal's usual killings.
„What do we have?“ I ask him back.
„There is some liver left from last week's hunt. Or we could eat some fish for today.“
„I think fish would be good, liver for tomorrow?“
„Sounds good,“ he looks at me and smiles. „You want to help me cook?“
„Sure“
He gives me instructions on what to do and goes to attend his own tasks.
They do talk a lot, but sometimes the quiet is good. Comfortable even.
Hannibal does seem happy. Since they live here, he is content and appreciative of me.
I was scared at first. I was sure about this and this decision, still, I didn`t know what would happen, how Hannibal would treat me, how I would adjust to this life, and if I could live it. But I knew there was a part missing without this side of me. Without Hannibal.
I never asked him about what Bedelia told me. Him being in love with me. Sometimes I play with the thought of bringing it up but there is a part of me wondering if he`d bring it up himself. Sometimes I doubt the truth of it and question if I imagined that conversation with her, but it made sense. Kind of.
I also wonder If he was ever in love with her in whichever kind of way.
I know I have influence on him, and I used his compassion for me for my own use.
It gives me a feeling of power, like I am in control. It makes me less scared.
We have to pretend to be married for the outside, but except for some appearances at social events, there is not much to do to keep that picture up. Why would people not believe it? Hannibal sometimes puts a hand on my back or one arm around me when we are at said events, like going to the theater. But it was never more than that. Gay marriage wasn`t even legal in Cuba. So making out on the streets wasn‘t something anyone would expect. The people we surround ourselves with usually don`t have a problem with our lifestyle. It was the smartest choice. Us living together wasn`t something we debated on, and two men in their forties living together without wives would be something people could get suspicious of.
I never really thought of wanting a partner since we started this life. I didn‘t feel the need for it. I mean, we were partners in some way, and the company we share is close and intimate. The intimacy we have when we kill together is something I can't even really describe. It‘s intense. In these moments, I feel so close to him, for him, it‘s the same; he told me that. It never compared to killing Dolarhide, but it came close. It felt good.
The first few days after we kill, there is this tension that I can`t really sort. In those days, we are closer than usual, like magnets; we can`t really stay apart. We have long conversations at night most of the time.
But I also noticed Hannibal being more physically close than usual. If I take any injuries from hunting, he provides me medical care, and he doesn`t have to, but he just does because he wants to, and I don`t resist. It`s like after the first time I killed the man he sent to kill me. He took care of me.
Washing the blood off my hands and bandaging them afterward. I felt every touch.
The last time we killed, my face got a scratch because the victim was smart enough to pull out a pocket knife.
Hannibal held my face with one hand and cleaned the wound with the other. I looked at him almost the whole time, searching for what he felt in that moment. He returned the gaze a couple of times, slightly smiling. He enjoyed it, me searching for his eyes.
But he also seeks contact in daily situations, like intentionally touching my hands while passing me a book, or being more close to me when around people, or just outside. And sometimes I ask myself if these moments are just coincidences but I know Hannibal enough to know he doesn`t do many things without intention.
Still lost in thoughts, I start cleaning my utensils after I finish using them.
„Something on your mind?“, Hannibal asks. He must have noticed my absence.
I answer him, still continuing my cleaning, not looking up. „Many things, but I was just thinking about the last months here. I still have to get used to some things, I guess.“
„Anything specific?“ he continues asking, still working on our meal.
„I don`t know. I mean, I still have questions about you, but I don`t know how or when to ask them.“
„You can ask whenever you like, Will. Whether I can give you an answer is what depends.“
I hesitate for a moment.
„Do you think a lot about Bedelia?“
He pauses in his actions, but answers after a second. „No“
„Did you ever kill with her? “
„Not in the way that you think, no. I liked to mess with her, she didn`t like it, and she was scared and tried to just survive all of the things happening somehow.“
„Ok“
„It was not like with us now, if that what you want to know.“
I didn`t respond to what he said but another question came up in my head.
„Were you two together when you were in Florence? I mean a real couple besides your fake identities.“
„Also, not like you imagine it probably, we were close somehow and shared moments of physical intimacy, but it was never serious. I still enjoyed her company.“
„Ok, “ I respond again, still not really looking up.
„Will?“
„Hm?“
„Look at me. “
I slowly look up and meet his eyes. He is standing beside me now.
„I wanted to take you to Florence, you know that. I sometimes wonder how it would have been. But I am glad that we are here together now, and I don`t mind being your therapist from time to time if you feel the need and are comfortable with that.“
„I prefer having conversations. That doesn`t feel so formal to me.“
„That is fine with me.“ Hannibal assures.
„Now let`s set the table and eat, shall we?“
„Yes”