Chapter Text
While Tony lay bedridden, passing in and out of consciousness, he thought about nothing so much as Steve. What would he say when they saw each other again? What would he do if the super soldier was arrested, imprisoned even? How would Tony convince their opposition that this was all one big miscommunication? Tony waited, and plotted, and anticipated the moment Steve would walk through the door. Except he never did. Not in Missouri and not in New York. He didn’t come to visit Tony a single time. Eventually, Tony was released from the hospital and allowed to return home. This was only after the doctor had extracted the superhero’s promise that he would retire once and for all. He was in no fit shape to go “flying around the city” anymore. Tony didn’t argue.
Being home was lonely. Being with the Avengers even more so. Though SHIELD had released Steve, they still hadn’t cleared him to participate in Avengers missions. Jan told him that no one had seen or heard from Cap in over a week. He was off the grid.
All of his frustration and heartbreak had nowhere to go, so Tony threw himself into getting better. He was able to walk with the help of a cane when he returned home, but that was not good enough. Not by a long shot. Much to Rhodey’s shock, Tony attended all of his physical therapy appointments every week and even booked additional sessions. He built his own equipment at home and researched experimental neurological techniques that might speed up the process of recovery. He started running, jogging for half a mile on the treadmill until his body ached and his t-shirt soaked through with sweat. He pushed himself and bit by bit his physicality responded.
Bruce reported that Steve had returned from who-knows-where and rejoined the Avengers in an advisory role. Tony hacked into the SHIELD database and devoured their case file on Captain America, including the pending investigation. He laughed himself silly at the details they had overlooked. Steve had covered his tracks better than Tony anticipated. All the suits had going for them was the testimony of an experimental physicist who claimed Steve kidnapped her and forced her to work on Richards’s designs for the interdimensional portal. Tony read her testimony carefully, and audibly sighed with relief when she confirmed that Captain America had not hurt her in any way. It was the work of a moment for Tony to pay her off, single-handedly funding her research for the next fifteen years.
At night, when he lay in his cold bed with aching muscles that still stubbornly refused to cooperate, Tony asked himself what he thought he was doing. Why work so hard to defend a man who had kidnapped and hurt him? The same guy who, after all was said and done, discarded his best friend, now lover, like he was nothing. Because that’s not the whole story, he told himself firmly. Putting himself in Steve’s place, Tony could see the darkness his friend had fallen into. Mired in shame, self-hatred, confusion, plus whatever else had been going on before the whole mess started - of course Steve was a changed man. He needed Tony to wait, to be patient.
Time passed. Tony didn’t reach out, made no attempt to draw Steve from the shadowy emotional cave he retreated to. He focused instead on his recovery, making strides which astounded his doctors and physical therapists. He continued to check in on Steve’s case file as well, bribing the people who needed bribed, and altering records where they needed altering. All of it was terribly illegal as well as highly immoral, but Tony didn’t care. He needed it to go away.
During the times that hope fled him and he started to think about drinking again, Tony went for a run. He was able to do it outside now, jogging down the street and back. He liked to run at twilight when he was less likely to be disturbed, watching the sunset as he plodded along.
One morning he woke up and realized six months had passed since he had flown out to investigate the Hydra base. He sat up, looking around his posh, but empty bedroom and shook his head. “Nope,” he said out loud. “Screw it.” He got dressed and headed to Avengers Mansion.
“Tony!” Peter cried around a mouth full of corn flakes. “We missed you, man. Where you been? Hey, where’s your cane?”
“Don’t need it anymore,” Tony replied. “Steve here?”
Jan and Peter, sitting across the table from one another, exchanged glances. “Yeah,” Jan responded slowly. “He’s in the kitchen, I think.”
“Thanks,” Tony said, walking away. He turned the corner into the big kitchen, bathed in yellow light as it always was this time of morning. Then he stopped, breath stolen, chest clenched. Steve stood at the other end of the room, holding a mug of coffee and staring out the window. He still wore his pajamas, flannel bottoms and a white t-shirt. Though Tony was the one who came closest to death, Steve had somehow aged ten years.
“I need to talk to you.”
Steve turned, startled out of his reverie. Their eyes met and Tony held his breath. Steve immediately glanced away, turning back to the window. “Can it wait?”
All of the genius’s repressed anger built up over the last six months resurfaced in a single hot rush. He grabbed the object nearest to hand, a pink coffee mug, and hurtled it with all his strength. It struck the window just to the left of Steve’s head, shattered and fell to the floor. That got his attention. Even moreso when Tony threw himself at the bigger man, knocking him back into the window. It cracked, but did not break.
The rest of their altercation was a blur. Steve had the clear size and strength advantage, but Tony was fast, and scrappy, and furious . He got in a few good blows before his opponent took hold of his wrists, holding tight.
“Stop! Tony, stop it.”
Peter and Jan watched from the doorway, poised to intervene. “Everything okay in here?” the young Avenger asked.
Tony stamped on the instep of Steve’s bare foot, eliciting a yelp. The blonde responded by shoving him over the kitchen island, hands pinned behind his back, held immobile by one big hand on the back of his neck. “Damn it, Tony,” he growled.
“Get off me!” the smaller man yelled, squirming to no effect.
“Do you...maybe need a minute?” Jan asked. She tugged on the sleeve of Peter’s shirt. “C’mon. Let’s give them the room.”
He didn’t look happy about it, but Peter let himself be led away. Tony snarled in rage, fighting with all his strength. It wasn’t nearly enough.
“Tony,” Steve repeated, “it’s time to stop. All right? Just quit and I’ll let you up.”
“Fuck you!”
Steve sighed, pressing down with enough force that the air rushed from Tony’s lungs. “Stop fighting me.”
Don’t fight . He’d said that enough times before, hadn’t he? Tony remembered the shower, the cool tile pressed against his cheek as Steve rammed him from behind, fingers gripping his hips with bruising force. Don’t fight me, Tony. You’re going to lose.
“Okay,” he coughed. “Okay, fine. Get off.”
Steve hesitated a moment, then stepped back. Tony pushed himself to his feet, dizzy and weaker than he had been in days. He’d definitely pushed it too far for his delicate condition. He took a step forward, stumbled, and collapsed. Steve rushed to him, catching Tony around the chest before he hit the tile.
“Here, sit down you lunatic,” Steve admonished, snagging a chair from the bar and dragging it over. He helped Tony into it, handsome face pinched with concern. Then Steve removed himself to a respectful distance.
For his part, Tony couldn’t seem to keep his hands from shaking. He settled them on his lap, fists clenched in an attempt to hide his weakness. Now that the fight had left him he found himself humiliatingly close to tears.
“Where were you?” he demanded.
“Tony…”
“Look at me, damn you!”
Steve looked up, meeting his eyes. Shame was stamped on his features like a tattoo, wrenching them into a painful arrangement that shattered Tony’s resolve.
“You made me promise that it wouldn’t be goodbye,” he said.
“What do you want me to say?” Steve asked, voice ragged. “I couldn’t, Tony. I must have tried a dozen different times. When they released me I made it all the way back to the hospital in Missouri and then I just...stood outside in the freezing cold. I just couldn’t make myself go in.”
“Why?”
“You know the truth, now. About me. Who, or what , I really am. You’ve seen the monster, Tony, and I...I couldn’t face what you might think of me. They showed me pictures...of you, your injuries. Kept asking me where you got them and I couldn’t bring myself to tell them that it was from me. ”
“I don’t blame you for-”
“ I do,” Steve interrupted. “I blame me. I unleashed my demons on you, Tony, I hurt you and I convinced myself it was all okay because I’d just travel back in time and it would never have happened. So stupid !” He punched the cabinet hard enough to rattle the glassware, then braced his hands on the counter, eyes closed.
Tony sighed. He caught his breath, staring at the crack in the glass. “We’re lucky we didn’t both go ass over teakettle through the window there.”
Steve followed his gaze. “I’m sorry, Tony. Sorrier than you’ll ever know.”
“It was real, though. Wasn’t it?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, something happened. With us. Something that mattered .”
A beat, then: “Yes. At least...for me, it did. But-”
Tony held up his hand. “No, listen. Just listen to me. Okay?”
The big man nodded, straightening up and fixing Tony with the focused stare he was used to seeing only at mission briefings.
“Do you know what life was like for me before? Yeah, I did a pretty good job of hiding how miserable I was,” he continued when Steve shook his head. “Life was as terrible as it had ever been. Before I signed up for that mission to go clear out suspected Hydra bases I hadn’t seen or talked to anyone in months. I found myself utterly alone. Not to mention obsolete, with nothing to look forward to.” He swallowed and made himself say, “And I was drinking again.”
Steve sighed and took a step forward, though he stopped himself from actually reaching out. “I didn’t know.”
“No one did. Anyway, I took the reconnaissance mission as a way to get out of my own head, found you and...well, you know the rest. Something happened to me out there. With you. I don’t know what exactly, but even when it was dangerous and frightening and confusing I still felt more...alive.”
“Hope,” Steve said quietly.
“Exactly,” Tony replied, unable to keep the bitter edge out of his voice. “And then after all of that...poof, you’re gone. A ghost. I wondered sometimes if anything even happened at all. Like maybe I had a very vivid fever dream. And still I held on, waiting for you until it became obvious that you were never going to come.”
“I should have been there.”
“Fucking right, you should have,” Tony snapped, his anger breaking the surface once more. “You had no right to just abandon me when I needed you most. And, why? Because you thought I would be mad at you?”
“You should be mad at me. You should hate me,” Steve insisted.
“Well, guess what? I don’t, actually. Despite my best efforts.”
“I used you, Tony. I forced you-”
“Nope,” Tony interrupted, his voice firm. “No you didn’t. You didn’t rape me, you didn’t press me into service. Sure the whole consent issue was a little shaky, but I think we both liked that. I know I did. Sex without a little fear is like ice cream without a little hot fudge. And you didn’t force me to work with you on the portal, or anything else. I stuck around, I helped you, I fucked you because I wanted to. Seriously, do you really think this little of me? We’ve worked together for the better part of our adult lives, you know I’m not helpless.”
“Of course not, but I took your armor.”
“Psh, come on. How many times has some two-bit villain locked up my tech? Give me a break. I am honestly offended. I’m not sugarcoating it, either. You did stab me and tie me up, and that I wasn’t party to, but everything after that? My choice. All of it.”
Steve shook his head. “I don’t believe that.”
“Well, tough shit. It’s the truth.”
“You almost died, Tony. They wouldn’t even let me see you in the hospital because it would be too upsetting for me. That’s what they said to me when I tried to get in. Blood was coming out of your eyes , Tony. Even after everything we’ve been through, I...I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget that.”
Tony sighed, carefully rising from the chair. His legs felt a little more steady, so he risked taking the few steps to the counter where Steve was hunched over himself like a wounded animal. He leaned over next to the super soldier, tilting his head until they were face to face.
“Are you a cute redhead named Rebecca?”
“What?”
“Well, are you?”
“No,” Steve answered, frowning.
“Well, then you’re not the reason I wasn’t paying more attention to the astrophysics lectures at MIT. I’m the reason I almost died, messing around with the time stream the way I did. It was my own carelessness that did me in, Steve. Not you. I know my way around self-loathing, you know that as well as anyone, so you need to take some advice from an expert. Not everything is your fault.”
“Why are you so bent on defending me?” Steve snapped, standing up and stalking away. He started to fix a cup of coffee, banging the cabinets loudly in the act. “You did all this stuff, lying to Shield, altering documents - I know that was you, don’t even start with me - when I never asked you to. I was taking responsibility for my actions, Tony. I was ready to do the time.”
“Jeez, sorry for keeping you out of prison.”
Slamming the coffee pot back into the machine so hard its contents sloshed all over, Steve swore under his breath. “What is it with you? You think you have control over everything.”
“Are you kidding? Honey, it’s taken me weeks to take a shower by myself, and I don’t mean in the fun way. I’m talking about nurse-assisted sponge-baths. This has been the most humiliating experience of my entire life, and I’ve never been more aware of my own fucking limitations, thank you very much. And, while we’re on the subject, if I can learn to walk and run again, you can damn sure learn to let go of your past mistakes. You were only looking for a way out, and you found one. Or it found you. You didn’t do anything you can’t come back from, Cap.”
Steve set the cup in front of Tony on the counter, pushing it forward with a finger. “You make it sound so simple. You forgave me that easily?”
“Fuck, no. I’m mad as hell at you! But not because of what happened in Iceland,” he clarified, grabbing Steve’s arm when he tried to move away. Steve’s skin under his fingers was electric. “Because I thought we had something and then you just disappeared.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” He bent forward until their foreheads were pressed together, “I just couldn’t.”
“Okay,” Tony breathed. “Okay.”
“The other shoe is going to drop with Hydra, Tony. They haven’t done anything yet, but no way are they going to let my betrayal go unanswered.”
“I know.” Tony closed his eyes. “I’ve had feelers out for weeks looking for any kind of warning sign.”
Steve snorted. “You amaze me.”
“If you say ‘I don’t deserve you’ or some other cliche bullshit I am going to actually push you out the window.”
“What should I say, then?”
Tony smiled. “Tell me what you want.”
A shiver passed through the bigger man. His hands came to rest on the sides of Tony’s face and he pulled him forward, pressing their lips together. They kissed for a long time, exploring and caressing until Tony took Steve’s hand and guided it into his hair. He curled the bigger man’s fingers into a fist, staring expectantly when Steve pulled back in surprise.
“Tony, I can’t-”
“Can I tell you what I don’t want? I don’t want you to handle me like a china doll out of some misplaced sense of guilt. I liked what we did in bed together. A lot.” He drew out the ‘l’ sound in the word, licking his lips. Steve’s eyes darkened.
“I...don’t want to hurt you.”
“Okay, now you’re just lying. Hey, hey, I’m kidding,” he added when Steve started to withdraw. “Too soon? Probably too soon. Sorry. My point is, I want you, Steve. All of you.”
“Even this?” he asked, seizing Tony by the hair with vicious strength. Tony hissed, arching his back, eyes fluttering closed.
“Fuck, yes. You, ah, you said it yourself. I was just waiting for someone to master me.”
“God, Tony,” Steve moaned. He snatched Tony up for a kiss, growling low in his throat. The sound went directly to Tony’s cock, which was showing interest in something for the first time in months. That alone made the smaller man sag with relief.
“Oh, thank Christ,” he cried, “Part of me was afraid the plumbing would never work right again.”
“Should we test it out?” Steve asked huskily. “Are you...I don’t know, well enough? Can we?”
Tony laughed. “You look like a kid who’s been offered a second helping of dessert.”
“I missed you.” He meant it.
“Me too. Man, how screwed up are we?”
Steve shrugged. “Completely.”
They did manage to contain themselves until they got to Steve’s room. Tony locked the door behind them and fell into the bigger man’s arms, holding on for dear life. Steve kissed him with deep passion, fingers tangling in his dark hair again. He pulled, forcing Tony’s neck back and sucked on the flesh there, using teeth and tongue to make the smaller man’s knees buckle. Tony clutched at his shoulders, gasping.
“Steve, fuck. Don’t stop.”
“Are you really mine?” Steve demanded.
“Yes,” Tony asked, choking on the rest of the sentence when Steve’s hand grabbed his dick through his jeans, squeezing. “Oh, god, yes.”
“I don’t think I can control myself,” Steve said, hands fumbling over the buckle and zipper, “Not with you. I feel like I’m out of my mind.”
“Do it, Steve. Anything. I don’t fucking care, just don’t stop.”
Tony’s cock sprang free, hot, and hard, and dripping wet. Steve kept his savage grip on Tony’s hair with one hand, using the other to smear precome around the head of Tony’s dick. “Tell me what you want,” he growled.
“Fuck me. I want you to fuck me. I can’t...oh shit ...I can’t do any Cirque du Soliel moves, but...I...I...need you.”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“Circus troupe. Acrobats.”
“Ah. How’s doggie style?”
“Perfect. Ah, god, do that again,” he pleaded, biting his lip as Steve manhandled his cock with rough strokes.
“Damn it, I’m gonna come in my pants at this rate,” Steve growled, giving Tony a nudge toward the bed. “Go. Hurry up.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Mmmm,” he moaned happily, shedding his clothes with all possible speed.
Tony sat on the edge of the bed, halfheartedly working his way out of his shoes and socks, but mostly watching Steve. The morning light through the windows bathed him in yellow and white, highlighting the peaks and valleys of his musculature. He was too thin, Tony noted, no doubt ravaged by his own self-imposed punishment.
“Come here.”
Steve stepped forward and Tony nuzzled his face against the other man’s stomach, kissing
and letting his hands skim up Steve’s bare legs. The big man shivered. Tony readjusted himself, lying on his stomach so he could take that massive cock in his mouth once again. Steve threw his head back, groaning lustily, as Tony took him in as far as he could.
“I’m gonna fuck you,” Steve promised, petting Tony’s head as he thrust shallowly. “Ah, damn, you’ve got to stop.”
Obediently, Tony pulled away. “Where do you want me?”
“On your knees. Hands on the headboard. Go on,” Steve prompted with a swat on his lover’s backside. “I’m not gonna last much longer and I want to fill your ass with cum.”
Tony braced himself on the headboard, which took a significant amount of strain off of his body. He suspected that was Steve’s reasoning for that order in the first place, a thought that filled him with warmth. He spread his legs, thrusting his ass in the air. He could see Steve moving out of the corner of his eye, slicking up his cock with lube from the bedside drawer. The mattress shifted with his weight and he approached, taking hold of Tony with one hand while the other, slick and cool, probed at his entrance.
“Nah, fuck that. Just do it.”
“You really do want it rough, don’t you?”
“Brutal, baby.”
“God, you were made for me. Come here,” he groaned, pressing himself against Tony’s entrance. “You take your hands off the headboard and I’ll stop, understood?”
Tony nodded, trembling. The onslaught began shortly after that. He bit his lip, then cried out anyway. The experience of being stretched was brutally painful, but also cathartic in a way. Hot fudge on the ice cream. After a while he stopped suppressing the noises of protest and let them roll freely. Moments after that he was begging, pleading for a respite.
“Steve, I can’t! I can’t do it. Fuck, it’s too much.”
“You’ll take it. And you’ll thank me for it, won’t you?”
Steve leaned over, skimming his hands down Tony’s front and grasping his dick firmly. He gave it a couple rough strokes, thrusting his enormous dick in the same motion. Tony yelled. Releasing him, Steve put his hands on Tony’s hips and pulled him back, impaling the smaller man without mercy. He pounded for a few minutes, riding Tony so hard it was difficult to keep his hands steady on the bed as ordered.
“Say thank you,” Steve demanded.
“Fuck off,” Tony shot back, twisting his body away defiantly.
“Oh no, no, no. That’s not gonna work for me, slut.” Steve grabbed him, shoving Tony up against the headboard and humping for all he was worth. “I’m not going to let you come until you say it.”
“Steve, please. I can’t...I’m gonna-”
“No you’re not. Not until I say so,” he insisted, knocking away Tony’s hand which was massaging his leaking cock. “Say it.”
“T-thank you.”
“For what?”
“For...for fucking me. Now please... !”
“Ah, fuck, you beg so pretty. I’m gonna come, Tony. You ready? You ready to take my load? Touch yourself, yeah, go on. Fuck!” Steve’s thrusts grew erratic, his breathing heavy. Tony shut his eyes and stroked his cock, matching the bigger man’s rhythm. Orgasm crashed through him like a car wreck, smashing his cognition to pieces. He fell onto the mattress, fingers tangling in the sheets while Steve rode to completion, swearing and pumping hot jets of cum inside him. He threw his head back, groaning, then collapsed the other direction, smothering Tony with his bulk.
“I need...to breath,” Tony insisted.
“Sorry, sorry,” Steve said, immediately rolling away. He propped himself up on one elbow, giving the other man a look that was half concern and half contrition. “Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you?”
“You did,” Tony confirmed, reaching out to smooth the wrinkle between Steve’s brows, “but I liked it. A whole fucking lot.”
“I shouldn’t have gone so hard. You’re still recovering.”
“Stop,” Tony warned. “I told you, I was into it. You’re not allowed to go down that rabbit hole. Not right now.”
“Okay,” Steve agreed. He pillowed his head on his arms, watching Tony as he rearranged his sore body, trying to find a comfortable position. “I love you.”
Tony stared. “I...don’t know what to do with that information right now.”
“You don’t have to do anything. I just felt like...I needed to say it. I should have earlier. I almost didn’t get the chance.”
“Life’s probably always going to be like that. We both signed up for this hero gig knowing the risks, right?”
Steve nodded. “I heard you retired. For real this time.”
“Remember what you said to me? Before?”
He smiled. “You’ll never retire.”
“A-yup.”
“So,” Steve rolled onto his back, all sweaty abs and ‘aw shucks’ all-American good looks, “will you come back home? To the mansion, I mean. I’d like you to. So would everyone else.”
“Moving in together? Already?” Tony joked.
“It’d be good for your recovery, wouldn’t it? And, well, I might as well just say it. I don’t want to be without you again.”
Tony’s smile was watery. “I told you before, knucklehead. I’m yours.”
“Is that a yes?”
“To be clear, that’s a hell yes. So long as you promise to fuck me silly on the regular and not muck about with time travel ever again. Let’s just stick to giant frog monsters and malevolent demigods from here on out, okay?”
“Okay.” Steve reached out, pulling Tony’s sweaty head onto his chest where his heartbeat pounded steadily.
“I love you too. You know that, right?”
“It’s always nice to hear.”
“Well, I do. Despite everything. Or maybe because of it. I don’t know, it’s all kind of jumbled, but I am clear on how I feel about you at least.”
“I, uh, kept the collar.”
Tony raised his head, looking the blonde squarely in the eye. “I take it all back.”
They both laughed, long and loud. Steve squeezed him tight and Tony shut his eyes. His body was sore as hell, but his heart had never been so full.
Logan walked into the kitchen to find it in shambles, crockery smashed on the floor, one panel of the floor-to-ceiling window hopelessly cracked, and coffee dripping onto the floor. He looked around, hand on his hip, sniffing the air. His nose wrinkled. “Ugh,” he muttered, setting his mug in the sink and beating a hasty retreat. “People need to get a room.”