Chapter Text
READER==> Take care of yourself please.
READER==> Be John.
You met Dave on the day that you guys had talked about, going to his apartment and hanging in his room. His room had been cleaned by his brother; Dirk had found more hidden food than anyone was really comfortable with. The room felt barren without the usual amounts of filth. You both sat on his bed, lapsing in and out of wordlessness - not silence, though. Dave played quiet music in the background, not being a huge fan of silence himself. He never had been, usually preferring something with a strong backbeat to distract him.
Dave was half-facing the ceiling, half on his side, laying in front of you. You had an arm around his waist, keeping him close, but you had troubles resisting the temptation of running your fingers over his ribs. They’d always been a wonder to you - you’d never been the thinnest dude, so feeling his ribs under your fingers had been foreign to you in the previous times that you held him.
Now, the action would just have a bitter edge. It would just make pain and guilt settle cloud up from your bone marrow.
“I missed a week of school. How did the jazz band hold up without me?”
“The two back-up drummers from the lower bands have been trying to fill in. One can’t even keep a hit in time,” you said, sighed and pulling him minutely closer. You and Dave practiced together, piano and drumset, and worked on staying together in the rhythm section - Jade sometimes joined, but she didn’t want to wake up too early, so she wasn’t in jazz band. So, all in all, the band sucked without Dave.
“I feel, in my soul, like I know the exact hit you're talking about, man, and I gotta say, it took weeks of practicing to get that," he said, looking over to you. He seemed so tired, you couldn’t help but notice. It put a dull ache in your chest.
“Oh but do you hear that? You actually practice,” you pointed out, closing you eyes. “Of course I don’t want to be mean, but I don’t understand how they can get so pissed about being jammed into the back-up band when they don’t even put an hour of effort into their practice. I totally get not practicing every day, but at least learn your part! Rehearsal’s for learning everyone else’s part.”
“Oh Jesus, the poor band. I won’t even be back by the concert, so y’all’re gonna have to deal with that shit. But I should be back in time for contest,” he noted, referring to the regional competition. Tensions would be high, and no one wants a drumset player as the weakest link. There was actually a lot of pressure on Dave, you noted.
“Thank goodness,” you said, nodding. “Shame about the concert though. We’ll let down our ten fans.”
He chuckled softly at that, letting music fill the quiet between you once again. He’d been lapsing into silence a lot lately. Probably stress, you figured, not minding it. Whatever made him feel comfortable was fine.
It was a while before he spoke again, softly, like he didn’t want to disturb you, and you ended up turning your head towards him to listen more carefully.
“They’re gonna pull some weird bullshit and have me stay out for the rest of the semester, and then hop back in second half,” he said, closing his eyes and turning to he was facing you completely. Your arm stayed around his waist, but his hands were resting between the two of you. Neither of you shifted to make the position any less awkward. At least he didn’t seem to mind T-Rex-ing it.
“Your grades are going to be fine,” you said softly, taking a deep breath. He shook his head.
“I don’t know about that. But, at this point, I don’t even know if that’s what I’m worried about. I’m going to miss content and lessons that could affect shit later and I feel like I’m getting special treatment because of my good friend Ana. I’m not even taking semester finals!”
“Your good friend- oh. Well. I’m sorry. I wish I could help. But, Dave, you’re very sick and I think that they would make these exceptions for anyone. And on top of that, you’re not even anyone. You have stellar grades, and you’re pleasant and funny and responsible. People like you. So they’re more than willing to help you out, Dave.” He sighed softly, shrugging a bit.
“I’m scared,” he mumbled almost silently, pulling back a little to look at your face. One hand went up to his cheek, resting there gently. You didn’t have anything to say to that, so you let the electronic music fill up the space between the two of you. Your hearts were heavy, but most of the weight was shared now - between you, Dirk, Dave and his armada of health professions - and even your therapist. With time, everything would be fine.
After the song ended he leaned forward, slowly, and placed a kiss onto your lips. It was a small but minutely sustained peck, his face relaxed but his heart beating quickly. Somehow, you managed to stay relaxed, taking a deep breath through your nose. You made no move to return the kiss, however, just as he made no move to deepen it. It was a short thing, only lasting a second or two before he pulled away and returned to his position.
You looked at Dave, sighing softly. His eyes were closer, and you ran a thumb under his eye to rub the tear into the skin.
“When you’re better,” you promised softly. He nodded, his eyes still closed and his face red from his efforts to not cry.
A bass trombone played in the song in the background, and when it was done with its line you spoke again quietly. “I love you, too.”
He scooted closer so that his head was on your chest, his eyes closed. He was weeping silently, you noticed, and you could tell he was trying not to. You simply held him until he fell asleep, petting his hair softly listening to the lyrics of his music. Your heart hurt with you love for that boy, but he need to be able to love himself first.
(So did you.)
-
Dave ate slowly.
You were both sitting in front of the television, eating dinner together, and he didn’t finish eating until the end of the second episode of The Great British Bake Off. Every bite seemed planned, and he chewed his food for longer than you thought was necessary. You didn’t understand it when he cut every piece of broccoli up.
You didn’t comment, eating your own food wordlessly.
-
You had to go to school the next day. You did fall asleep with him on the couch, holding him (you were the big spoon), and you stayed asleep until Bro got home from work. When he did, he woke you up and took you home. You were drowsy the whole way back back, the sun long gone and the trek between the car and your bed terrible. It threatened to steal away your sleepiness, but you didn’t let it.
You kicked off your shoes and plopped down as soon as you were in your room, your glasses and jeans still on your person. You sank back into sleep quickly, your mind shutting down long after your body. The last thing you thought about was Dave’s lips on yours before you fell asleep completely, coupled with what you’d said in response to it.
You felt like it was the right thing.
-
On Saturday, you went over to his house. School had been big and empty without him. It was hard to focus on all of the work that slid in front of your eyes, but you powered through.
Your leg accommodated a few more... scratches, and you almost had a heart-attack when a dot of red colored your white-washed jeans. You got it out and did a load of laundry before your mom ever noticed, though.
When you saw Dave, you couldn’t help but think about how much better he looked already. You sighed softly and stepped in, pulling him into a firm hug.
“Great greeting,” he mumbled, burying his face into your shoulder. You chuckled softly, kicking the door lightly to close it and then moving the two of you forward in a kinda rocking motion. He laughed quietly, stepping backwards and holding onto you, trying not to stumble or fall or anything. After a couple of steps, you picked Dave up and carried him to the couch, both of you laughing along the way. He wrapped his long limbs around you and hugged you close to prevent himself from being dropped. With an amused snort, you collapsed onto the couch with him trapped between you and the cushions, making him wheeze dramatically.
“Welcome to the Casa de Strider,” he said with an exaggeratedly strained voice. You laughed, rolling to your side so that you weren’t on top of him, wedging him between you and the back of the couch. He still had his face buried in your shoulder, his laughter dying down slowly.
“I’m glad to have made it to this casa. Como es la biblio-techno?” You joked, making him cringe a little.
He replied in fast Spanish that was lost on you, making you roll your eyes at his lingual-showboating. A smile stayed on your lips, though, and you looked back at Dave.
A silence passed between you for a moment, and your mind went back to when he kissed you. You knew that he wouldn’t do it again, though.
“A veces,” he said softly, looking at you. “Deseo que moriría.”
You put your hand onto his cheek, rolling you eyes again and shaking your head.
“I do not speak Spanish. Your fancy words are lost on me,” you joked. He rolled his eyes right back, a smile on his thin lips.
“Good. That way you can never repeat them,” he said, sitting up a little.
“I can only imagine what you’re saying to me. Probably professing your undying love for the best actor you’ve ever see-”
“I will literally tickle you until you pee,” Dave threatened, his voice frosty cold. You chuckled softly, preemptively shying away from him in avoidance. “That’s more like it.”
“This is blackmail,” you said, unable to keep the grin from your face. Dave’s lips had relaxed into a small smile that seemed smug, and you nudged his shoulder lightly.
“I think you’ll live,” he said, snorting softly. You pulled back enough to actually look at him, basking in the glow that seemed to come off of him. He was eating and sleeping now, and the difference was already visible. You smiled at him while you guys lapsed into silence, laying on the couch like that.
You counted his freckled in the silence, watching his face relax. He still had his shades on, and his lips were thin and chapped. His jawline was still strong as ever, and his cheekbones still with their strong angles. His pale skin and pinkish cheeks, his blonde hair, and the small scar on his left cheek would always be wedged in your mind. His slightly-crooked nose, too.
He was not okay. But he was getting there.
-
“John!”
That was all the warning you got before Jade Harley was barreling over you, pulling you into an iron-grip hug that made you wheeze. You could not even hug her back! You just had to stand there while she squeezed you because your arms were pinned to your sides. You chuckled tiredly, looking at Jade when she pulled back.
“Hey, Jade! Oh, hi Rose!”
“Where’s Dave?!” Jade asked while Rose gave a dainty wave. You shrugged, knowing that you weren’t allowed to tell her. “He hasn’t been in school for a week!”
“Yes, and his cyber presence is no longer overwhelming my life. Our contact has gone down notably, and our conversations are few and far between now. This is an awfully long time to just be sick,” Rose chimed in. You shrugged a little.
“I told you… he’s uh… sick!” Gosh, this was getting difficult! You just repeated what Rose said!
“For a week?” Jade asked, squishing your face between her palms. You pursed your lips sheepishly, trying to figure out what to say.
You glanced to Rose for help and got none.
“He got mono!” You eeped out after a tense pause, squeezing your eyes shut. Rose raised a manicured eyebrow, seeming a little surprised.
“He made out with someone? Or did he get it from you - oh, did he get it from band?” You blinked at Jade while her words tumbled from her mouth at once, trying to figure out what you were supposed to say to all of that. Did she expect you to give Dave mono? Or…
“Am I supposed to have a monopoly on Dave’s lips?” You asked, your voice squished from how she continued to hold your face.
“That or an embargo,” Rose mumbled. You blinked.
“Dave and I don’t kiss!” You pulled back from Jade’s grip, frowning to yourself. Did they really think that you owned Dave’s lips? What did they think of you and Dave? “What kind of relationship do you think we have?”
“She’s just saying that you two are super close! And that when girls flirt with you, Dave gets super jealous. And vice versa!”
“No! You’re saying that the only person that Dave would make out with is me and that I would’ve given him mono! And that if that’s not it then he shared reeds or some shit! Don’t try to spin this like you’re not- not saying that we’re- don’t touch me! I thought you guys were my friends and Dave’s sick and you’re just making lip jokes!” You stepped back from Jade, looking between her and Rose. Before either of them could say anything, you turned away.
First period was spent in silence. You didn’t raise your hand once.
-
“I told Rose and Jade that you got mono. They kept asking questions.”
“Alright. I take it they’re trying to figure out who I was kissing?” He was trying to joke.
You’d never understand bulimia, but you could have thrown up right then.
-
Nah, they just thought you were swapping reeds with someone. As if you would ever touch a clarinet!
You fell asleep next to him, laying a little further away from him than usual. Strings tightened in your chest, and you felt bad about feeling bad.
-
You weren’t gay.
Your hands shook when you woke up on the couch holding him.
You don’t even have to say who.
You’re not gay, you’re not gay, you’re not gay.
But if you’re not gay, then why is Dave different?
-
You’ve started doing your own laundry. It makes it easier to hide things. Thank god you don’t own any white pants.