Chapter Text
There’s no doubt in my mind about what I have to do, but that doesn’t make me any less upset.
I was supposed to go home. I was supposed to see Earth again. I was supposed to have a whole lifetime ahead of me to enjoy blue skies and plants and animals and being around other humans, and now I don’t get to have that.
But there’s really no choice. I can’t let Rocky die after he saved my life and kept me functional during my amnesia phase. I’m not the kind of person who would ever do that. I sacrificed my life for Earth. I’m going to sacrifice myself for Rocky. This isn’t a hard decision.
I’m still sad though.
Six weeks later, I’m in the middle of the nine hour wait to reach the point in space where I think Rocky’s ship is located. Of course, I don’t know whether it’s Rocky’s ship that I saw, but I think it is.
I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past six weeks. One thing that shouldn’t have been a surprise, but still was, was that I don’t have astronaut training. I was chosen at the absolute last minute to join the mission, and I was pretty reluctant to do it. I know I said yes, because I’m here, but I had to think about it first.
When I finally reach Rocky’s ship, I try to get Rocky’s attention, but there’s no response. I hope that’s just because he’s not expecting me to be here and not because he’s dead. Finally, I decide the only way to contact Rocky is to make physical contact with the ship, so the sound from my voice can carry into the ship. I find a way to relay the sound from inside my helmet to my laptop back in the ship and back again, so the translation software will still work when I’m outside the ship. Then I go out into space one more time.
Soon, after a scary moment where I thought I’d missed my chance to get hold of his ship and was about to float back to mine, I’m on Rocky’s hull. I yell his name, hoping that he can hear me. I tell him I’m here for him. “Say something!” I yell. “Let me know that you’re okay.”
A crackle. My ears perk up.
“Rocky!”
“Grace, question?”
Rocky’s here. Rocky’s alive! And I’m going to die for him, of course, because who wouldn’t die for someone like Rocky?
And then, without warning, I get a flash of memory. Suddenly, I remember yelling at Stratt, telling her that I wouldn’t go, that I would sabotage the mission if I ever remembered I’d been sent against my will. I remember her telling me about the drug. I remember the first time I knew I would forget everything every day, and being helpless and completely unable to stop it.
It wasn’t an anti anxiety drug. My forgetting wasn’t an unforeseen side effect. It was the whole point.
The realization knocks me speechless. I didn’t sign up for this. I wasn’t ever the kind of person who would have signed up for this. And Stratt…I know she cared about the mission more than anything else. I understand that. But making me forget everything every single day, risking the mission because there was a small chance I wasn’t bluffing, that’s just pure evil.
Rocky is talking to me, screaming over the com. “Grace, you are here, question? Grace, please answer! You are here, question?”
“Yes!” I say. “I’m here, buddy. I’ve come to take you back to Erid. I still have fuel. You’re not going to die!”
“You…you are…you are here!”
“Yes, I’m here! Set up the airlock tunnel.”
Soon, I’m floating in front of Rocky. He’s hurt, but he’s bouncing around looking happier than I’ve ever seen him. “My people will take good care of you,” he says. “They will make Astrophage maybe for you to go home.”
“Oh,” I say. Here comes the hard part. I don’t like telling him, after all he’s done to keep me alive, that I’m not going to make it. “I’m not going back. The beetles will save Earth, but I won’t ever see it again. I don’t have enough food.”
Rocky argues me for a bit. He’s very upset. “No,” he says. “You no can die. I no let you die.”
“Rocky,” I say, “I already died, every day.”
“No understand.”
“Every day I went to sleep knowing my memories wouldn’t continue. Every day I was scared. Every day I felt like I would cease to exist. I don’t like feeling that way again, but I promise you, I can deal with that one more time, especially to save you.”
“No,” Rocky says. “Must find other way.”
“There isn’t another way. Start making a nitrogen wash to get your stuff ready to move back into my ship. I’ll take you home.”
“Wait,” he says. “You no can eat Erid life. You no have Earth life to eat. Eat Adrian life.”
My first reaction is to argue with him, but when he says he’s talking about Taumoeba, not Astrophage, I realize that I don’t know whether I can eat that or not. Maybe there is hope after all.
This feels like the moment I just remembered a few days ago, when Rocky told me he had extra fuel. Once again, I realize there’s a chance for me. My death isn’t guaranteed.
“Okay,” I say. “Okay, we can try that.”
I’m looking forward to getting Rocky back into my ship, but there’s one thing that needs to happen after that, something that I’m not looking forward to at all.
I have to tell Rocky why I had amnesia. He deserves to know why our time together was so difficult, that it was my fault.
I wait until we’ve started up the spin drives and are on our way to Erid. Rocky settles down into his zone, and I come down to the dormitory to talk with him.
“Rocky,” I say, “There’s something I need to tell you.”
“What, question?”
I sigh. This is going to be difficult. “I’ve gotten more memories back since we separated.”
“Good good good,” he says.
“Mostly good good good,” I say, “But when I found you, I remembered something bad bad bad, something you need to know about.”
“What, question? Earth is okay, question?”
“It’s not about Earth,” I say. “It’s about me.”
“Tell.”
“Well,” I say. “First of all, I’ve been remembering stuff about this one other human. She was in charge of the project on Earth. She made all the big decisions about the ship, and she made the final decisions on who was going to go on the ship, and…”
I really don’t want to say this.
“And when she asked me to come to Tau Ceti, I told her I wouldn’t do it.”
There, I’ve said it.
Rocky is confused. “If you no willing to come, why you here now, question?”
“She made me come.”
“Bad bad bad!” Rocky is shaking. He’s obviously very upset. “Other human make you come. Make you die. Bad!”
“That’s not even the worst part,” I say. “There’s more.”
“More, question? How, question? How is more than death, question?”
“When she told me I had to go, I told her that if she sent me, I would destroy the ship when I woke up from my coma.”
“Oh,” Rocky says. “No…”
“Yes,” I say. “Of course, I wouldn’t have done that. Once I was out here, I would have done the right thing. I’m sure I would. But at the time I thought I had to say anything I could think of to get her not to send me.”
“Understand,” Rocky says. “No like, but understand.”
“Yes, well, because I did that, she told me she’d decided to give me a drug to make me forget I didn’t want to be here.”
“What, question? Bad bad bad!”
“I know. And because the drug wears off after a while, she got the computer to keep putting it into my food so I wouldn’t remember what had happened until we sent the beetles back.”
“Danger danger danger for mission,” Rocky says. “Other human stupid stupid stupid.”
“Yes, but remember, she thought there would be other people to keep track of things. If she’d known I would be alone, she probably wouldn’t have done that.”
“Still very bad. Bad bad bad.”
“Yes. I know.”
“You are very angry with other human.”
“Yes, but I’m also angry with myself. I didn’t do the right thing. I would have let all of Earth die to save myself.”
Rocky waves a hand. “Other human punish you is more than enough,” he says. “You memory die 90 times. You pay for bad thing 90 times. Is enough. No be angry more at self.”
“That’s true,” I say. Thinking of it that way makes me feel better. I’ve faced more than enough punishment for what I’ve done. I don’t need to beat myself up for this anymore. “Also,” I say. “I’m a different person now. The amnesia made me a different person. I became more humble. I knew how much I needed your help. When I knew I was the only one who could save you, I didn’t even think about not doing it. I came right away.”
“Yes, you are good person now. You do good thing. You willing to die for Erid. You save two planets. You are hero.”
That’s true. Present me is a hero. Earth me, removed from present me by months of reoccurring amnesia, wasn’t a hero. He was a coward. I have serious problems with him. But present me is different. I am proud of my current self. I’m the kind of person who wouldn’t hesitate to die for even one other person, Rocky, let alone a whole planet.
“Thanks,” I say. “But you know, I’m only here, and I only became this way, because of you.”
He tilts his carapace. “Thank.”