Chapter Text
Yoongi slumps down in his chair, head tilted back so he’s staring at the ceiling panels. “Hoseokie knew him first. You remember when he was teaching those dance classes at that tiny studio behind the dry cleaners? Jungkookie was one of his students.”
Hoseok had worked part-time at that studio while at uni and for six months or so after he graduated. That was a decade ago now. “You weren’t lying when you said we’ve known him for ten years,” Jin murmurs.
“Jungkookie was much shyer back then, really reserved and unsure of himself.”
Jin nods but can’t connect the tattooed, pierced, shaggy-haired man in the photo to that timid description. Where along the way had he gained the confidence to unapologetically express himself?
“Hobi ended up taking him under his wing-”
“Naturally.”
“-and when he found out Jungkook didn’t have any friends at uni he introduced him to Jiminie and Taehyungie. The three of them bonded fast and they started bringing him out with us.”
“I take it that’s how I met him?”
“Yeah. I don’t think he spoke more than three words that first night. He seemed terrified to be there.”
“What did I think of him?” Surely this introduction couldn’t have ignited Jin’s crush? He can’t imagine being attracted to someone so visibly uncomfortable in his presence.
“You thought he was a polite kid and you were kind to him. Though you were convinced we’d scared him off and we’d never see him again.”
Would it have been kinder to them both if that had happened? Or is that a selfish wish?
“But he kept tagging along to our hangouts and he slowly started coming out of his shell. By the end of the year he was crying on Hoseokie’s shoulder and making us promise we’d never leave him behind.”
“What do you mean? Why would we leave him behind?”
“He was scared that with Jiminie and Taehyungie graduating we’d forget about him.”
“Didn’t he graduate with them?”
Yoongi blinks, as if surprised at the question. “He was in his first year then.”
Jin blinks, surprised by the answer. “Did he do a gap year? Was he held back?”
“No.”
“No?” But, that would mean... “How old is Jungkook?”
“Twenty-eight.”
“He’s in his twenties?” Jin shrieks. “I met him when he was eighteen? Am I a cradle snatcher? Is my name on a watchlist?”
“It’s a five-year difference and you two share the same mental age anyway,” Yoongi says. “You’re both children.”
“I am not. I am young at heart. It’s why I don’t have wrinkles.”
“But you do have greys.”
Jin resists the urge to self-consciously cover his hair. “I do not. How dare you. I can’t believe you would lie about something so outrageously fictitious.”
“I’m the one who plucks them out.”
“One time! And it was only the one grey hair. One premature grey hair that is obviously confused and mistakenly grew the wrong colour. Now that we’ve taught it a lesson it won’t do that twice.”
“It was more than one grey hair,” Yoongi grumbles.
Jin narrows his eyes. “I’m not sure you should be the one telling me about Jungkook. I don’t know that I can trust your version of events anymore.”
“Too bad I’m the only person who knows all your secrets.”
“I should have confided in Jiminie instead. He’d be nice to me.”
“You should have. He could have listened to your lovelorn misery instead of me.”
“Lovelorn,” Jin repeats, because who says that. And because it’s shamefully true, as much as he can’t quite believe it. He shifts, wincing at the ache in his chest. “Was I really that bad?”
“You developed hanahaki, hyung.”
“Right.” Jin chuckles but it’s hollow. “Do you think anyone else suspects?”
“No. You weren’t coughing enough for anyone to catch on.” Yoongi’s tone wavers. “I would never have known if I hadn’t walked in on you spitting out a petal.”
“I’m sorry,” Jin mumbles. Sorry he hadn’t hidden his illness better and spared Yoongi the hassle, sorry he hadn’t been brave enough to open up to Yoongi beforehand, sorry he was so emotionally weak that he succumbed to hanahaki in the first place.
“Don’t be. I’m glad I found out or you’d be going through all this alone.” A moment of silence passes before Yoongi continues. “I wish you’d told me sooner- not just about the hanahaki but about Jungkook too.”
“Is that how you found out?” Jin asks with some relief. He couldn’t have been an embarrassing fool in love if Yoongi hadn’t realised until he saw the petal.
Yoongi nods. “I figured you had a crush on him but you always denied it.”
Jin scrunches his face in disgust, the relief fading. He was obvious then. Thirty-three and caught crushing on his twenty-eight year old dongsaeng. How mortifying. “Does Jungkook know how I felt about him?”
“You would have fled the country if he knew.”
Okay, that’s good. And unfairly accurate. “What about the others?”
“None of them have said anything to me but Jiminie, maybe, and I’m not sure about Taehyungie. Namjoonie and Hobi haven’t a clue of course.”
Jin hums. It’s mostly what he expected, except for the uncertainty around Jimin. With Taehyung, it’s difficult to tell where his awareness begins and ends, where his ignorance is true and feigned. But where he is elusive, Jimin is forthright. He doesn’t believe in burying feelings deep down and pouring cement over them like any sane person would; no, he thinks opening up is the ‘healthy thing to do’, like a weirdo.
Which means Jimin’s all-seeing beady eyes missed Jin’s crush, or, he knew the situation was so utterly hopeless that even bringing it up would cause Jin more pain than catharsis. And given that he’s currently in a hospital bed with a fresh surgical wound, either option is equally likely.
“Do you think I should tell them about the hanahaki?” Jin asks. “Not Jungkook but the group?”
“Jungkookie is part of the group. And no, we already agreed not to. It’ll just make them sad and Namjoonie will definitely say something in front of Jungkookie by accident.”
“Okay,” Jin says, trying not to sound too relieved. One person knowing his deepest, darkest secret is more than enough for him. “Is there anything else about him I need to know?”
Yoongi takes a breath before answering. “You loved him for a long time. For around seven months before the hanahaki, but you think you also loved him before that, before you realised. You sometimes said years.”
“Years? That is… that’s too long. I must have been exaggerating, I couldn’t have possibly…” Loved someone for years in secret? Of course he did. It’s why he’s in the hospital having this conversation.
It’s why, Jin realises with horror, the hanahaki was inevitable.
Even with all evidence pointing to the contrary, Jin had still figured his hanahaki was a case of bad luck. That, though he’d loved someone to the point of flowers blooming in his chest, it was a mistake on his part, or an accident that had gone unchecked. Loneliness, touch starvation, mental weakness, emotional instability, too many rom-coms - all of which accumulated into a badly timed crush spiralling out of hand.
But years. Years is not a one-off accident. Years is longer than any of his past relationships. Years is eternity for a commitment-phobe who shies from honest feelings and vulnerability.
Jin had once fallen in love with a man who didn’t love him back Then he fell again and again, over and over for years. There could never have been any outcome other than this. The hanahaki was inevitable.
“Why did I fall in love with him?” Jin asks Yoongi. “What was the catalyst?”
“You didn’t know when it started but by the end you said you loved everything about him. Even when he was gross or annoying you found him endearing. He came over drunk once and threw himself into your bed with his clothes and shoes on and you called him cute. He had vomit in his hair, hyung, and you let him sleep there.”
Jin scrunches up his face. “How romantic.”
“Do you remember when you went bungee jumping?”
“I went bungee jump-” A memory takes shape: Jin standing on a ledge with knees quaking and sweat soaking through his clothes. He clings to the railing while the employee repeats the instructions and manoeuvres him into position before counting down. Jin looks over his shoulder at… nothing because he’s alone, and then he’s jumping, or rather tumbling gracelessly off the ledge and screaming all the way down. “Why did I do that?”
“You did it because Jungkookie asked. It wasn’t even a special occasion and you were absolutely terrified but you still went through with it. You refused to go zip-lining for Jiminie’s birthday but you jumped off a three-hundred foot ledge for Jungkookie. I asked if it made you like him less but you said you liked him more. That’s how far you would go to make him happy. That’s how much you loved him.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t call an exorcist when I was obviously possessed.”
“Hyung.”
“I know. I know.” Jin sighs. “So how do I stop all this,” he flutters a hand across his chest, “from happening again? Do I cut him out of my life?”
“No,” Yoongi says immediately. “You can’t do that to him. It wouldn’t work anyway, not without cutting all of us out too.”
“Then what am I supposed to do?”
“Keep your distance, don’t hang out alone, start dating other people again, fall in love with someone available instead.”
“That’s it? That’s your big plan?”
“That’s your big plan.”
Jin reassesses the key points. “It’s a great plan. Four super easy to follow rules? In a year we’ll both have forgotten I ever had hanahaki at all.”
“You’re going to start dating again?” Yoongi asks, with an eyebrow raised for some reason.
“What do you mean again? You’re the one who never dates.”
“I date more than you do.”
Jin scoffs.
“Oh yeah? When did you last go on a date, hyung?”
“It was…” His mind blanks. His memories of the last week are especially fuzzy but he probably wasn’t dating while in the throes of hanahaki. The month before though… Jin thinks back but there was no date in that time. Or the month before. Or the months before that. He scours further and further back until he remembers Wonjun. Wonjun who he went on four dates with eight or nine months ago.
Wonjun was attractive, attentive, and the two of them had chemistry. So why had Jin stopped responding to Wonjun’s messages?
The answer is evident.
“Did I stop dating other people because I was in love with Jungkook?” Jin asks.
He’s not surprised when Yoongi nods. “You couldn’t get past your feelings for him. I should have known something was up when you started brushing off advances instead of scamming wealthy old men into buying you drinks.”
Jin doesn’t refute Yoongi’s slander. Not when he’s too busy coming to terms with his past.
He didn’t go on a single date for nine months because he was hung up on someone who hadn’t looked at him twice. It’s been longer than that since he kissed anyone, and longer still since he had sex. A year, even. He’s been willingly celibate for a year. All because he was stupid enough to fall for a boy who isn’t even his type.
It doesn’t make sense to Jin no matter how he tries to empathise with the person he apparently became. Jin prefers separating sex and emotions; it’s when the two become entangled that he starts running. He should have been diving into anyone’s bed to forgot about his feelings for Jungkook, not taking up a vow of celibacy. And for what? Jungkook undoubtedly wouldn’t have cared if he even noticed at all. So then why had it mattered to Jin?
“As soon as I’m healed I’m going to have sex with the first man I see,” Jin declares.
Yoongi’s gaze flicks over him.
“Not you. I’m not that desperate.”
“My heart’s broken,” Yoongi says, deadpan.
“As are the hearts of all men who meet me. Barring one Jeon Jungkook, that bastard.”
“Hyung.”
“What? Still too soon to make jokes?”
Yoongi exhales. A familiar noise that means he’s reaching his limit with Jin. “What else do you want to know?”
“Nothing,” Jin says, answering before he’s consciously aware he’s made that decision.
“Nothing?”
“Nothing,” Jin reiterates, resolutely this time. “I don’t want to get in my head about Jungkook or my hanahaki or the person I became after falling in love. I want to start over without any of it hanging over me. I want this to be my second chance.”
Yoongi opens, and closes his mouth. It takes him another few seconds to open his mouth again. “Okay.”
“You’re agreeing that easy?”
“I… don’t think it’s the worst decision you’ve ever made.”
“Wow, Yoongichi, such high praise.”
Yoongi smiles but it’s weak.
“Why don’t you go for a walk or go to the canteen and get something to eat?” Jin suggests. “I’m going to be stuck here for at least another hour.”
Yoongi agrees easier than Jin would have guessed and within five minutes he’s gone. In a way it’s a relief. Jin can’t soothe Yoongi’s grief, not when he views Jungkook’s removal from his life as a blessing rather than a loss. It can only hurt Yoongi more to witness Jin’s elation.
Jin powers on his Switch and settles back.
#
Bomi runs through the tests a final time before the surgeon officially discharges Jin. He changes with Yoongi’s help before pulling back the curtain to find Bomi has returned with the wheelchair. On the seat is a single distressed tiger lily, its roots sealed in a water-filled plastic bag.
“Is that the flower you cut out of me?” Jin blurts out. “You kept it?”
“It’s the procedure for hanahaki patients. After surgery we always offer the flower as a keepsake,” Bomi says.
“A keepsake? People actually keep it?”
“Most of our patients do. Some people find it therapeutic to nurture the flower, some press the petals, some like to destroy it themselves.”
Jin eyes the pathetic thing. “Oh, well, no thanks. I don’t want it.”
“Wait.” Yoongi steps forward. “What happens if we don’t take it?”
“We’ll dispose of it as medical waste.”
Yoongi turns to Jin with desperate eyes.
“You want to keep it?” Jin asks, shocked.
“Please.”
“Why? That thing nearly killed me.” He glances at Bomi. “I can’t catch hanahaki again from it, can I?”
“It’s perfectly safe, Seokjin-ssi. This flower is simply a flower like any other.”
Jin turns back to Yoongi. He’s met with the same begging expression. “Do you really want it?”
“It’s a part of Jungkookie.”
Jin doesn’t particularly agree but he also doesn’t particularly care. “Fine, but you’re taking full custody and I’m not paying child support.”
Yoongi is quick to scoop up the tiger lily, holding it gingerly as if scared of causing further damage. “Thanks, hyung.”
Jin scans the tiger lily now it’s closer. The stem is long and twisted, fibres fraying and breaking, the roots short and flimsy. Petals are missing from all three of the precariously dangling heads and those that remain are unfurled and browning.
“Are hanahaki flowers always this unhealthy?” Jin asks Bomi. “It doesn’t look like it could have killed me.”
“Hanahaki flowers wilt rapidly once removed from the lungs, especially those as young as yours.”
“Will it survive?” Yoongi asks.
“It will if you take diligent care of it,” Bomi says. “Though don’t ask me how, my houseplants are all plastic.”
“It’s okay, I have a friend who loves plants.”
Namjoon, Jin guesses. If anyone can raise this flower from near death it would be him.
“Do you have any further questions before you leave, Seokjin-ssi? Yoongi-ssi?”
“I’m all good,” Jin replies.
Yoongi shakes his head.
“Then I wish you a speedy recovery and I better not see you in this bed again,” Bomi says with a waggling finger and a smile. She holds the door open as Jin eases into the wheelchair.
He and Yoongi thank Bomi for her care and attention as they leave. Jin sits serenely as he’s wheeled through the hospital but inwardly he’s eager to be home, to move further away from this bizarre period in his life and back to normalcy.
Or rather, normalcy plus the asterisk that is Jeon Jungkook.
#
Jin and Yoongi fall into routine over the next few days. Yoongi works and Jin recovers by lounging on the sofa, spending his waking hours binge watching Netflix and making up new holiday stories for his friends and family. Yoongi returns home to chat about his day and criticise Jin’s creative storytelling flair, and Jin fills him in on the latest gossip in their shared friend groups and the latest plot twist in the show he won’t watch.
Before dinner, Yoongi takes a progress photo of the tiger lily and sends it to Namjoon who’s now just as invested in its well-being. The flower is planted in a large pot on their living room windowsill and is tended to with the devotion of someone who needs a second hobby.
Not that it’s doing much better. For all the food, water, sun, and Yoongi’s sweet nothings spoken to its leaves (“Stop filming me, studies show it helps growth”), the tiger lily still appears one light breeze away from disintegration. Yoongi clipped one of the heads but a second browns and droops more and more by the day.
Jin hopes it survives. Yoongi has grown far too attached already and Jin is not ready to comfort a grown man weeping over his deceased plant.
On Saturday Jin sends a picture of himself in the hospital to various group chats claiming he was hit by a car. He doesn’t follow up, letting the chats stew and enjoying the well wishes and shock pouring in. Jimin and Hoseok are particularly incessant, making up half the messages between the two of them. It’s Yoongi who ends the silence, telling everyone it was a minor accident, that Jin only has bruised ribs and will be fine, that he’s already back home and no, Jimin doesn’t need to come dote on him.
It’s a lie they thought up before he went into hospital, a reason to explain his sudden injury while he recovers. A reason to keep Jungkook away, Yoongi had added when they were deciding when best to message the chats, though Jin’s not sure how bruised ribs would keep someone away. Maybe it makes him squeamish?
Yoongi fends off their friends but makes plans for the next day. Plans that have Jin bouncing his leg and glancing at the time on his phone all morning.
“I can cancel if it’s too much,” Yoongi says, placing a hand on Jin’s knee.
“I’m alright.” Jin’s gaze is drawn to the pitiful tiger lily. Nervous energy pushes him into speaking with too much open honesty. “You can’t let me fall in love with him again, Yoongi-yah. If you think I’m heading that way again you have to stop me.”
“I will, I promise.”
“You better, otherwise I’m going to marry you to get over him. And just so you know, your spousal duties will include nightly foot rubs and always taking the bins out.”
“Just get them ready the night before and take them out on your way to work, it’s not hard. We already have everything separated.”
“It’s not on my way to work though, is it? I have to walk all the way across the car park to the recycling centre and then circle to the back of the building for the food and general waste. That’s ten minutes.”
“It’s not even five minutes and somehow I manage-”
There’s a knock at the door. Yoongi gets up to answer and Jin follows at a distance.
Taehyung is the first to spill inside, bypassing Yoongi to cup Jin’s face and coo. But Jin doesn’t acknowledge him because walking through the doorway is a tall, broad stranger in worn black leather and a motorcycle helmet tucked under his arm, a stranger with long dark hair falling around silver lip rings and a tattoo peeking out of his collar. A stranger Jin knows to be Jeon Jungkook.