Chapter Text
“Hi my name is Shinji MOnster Dong Shit-man Ikari and I have short, shit-colored hair (that’s how I got my name) with anime spikes in the front because I am an anime and cloudy blue eyes like dishwater and a lot of people tell me I look like a protagonist. I’m not related to Hideaki Anno but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I am not straight and also I am not white. I have sweaty sticky skin. I’m also an Eva pilot, and I go to a torture school called Nerv in Japan where I’m the third child whatever that means. I’m a meme (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly high-waisted pants. My dad buys all my clothes for me. For example today I was wearing high-waisted pants again fuck you dad.”
It’s quiet in the funeral hall and everyone is crying, except for one guy doing pull-ups on the chandelier who stops for a second to say, “the fuck.”
“Shampoo-san is dead have some fucking respect.” someone else says. The guy does pull-ups again.
“Many people will tell me that it’s fucked up to fuck a bottle of shampoo.” Shinji says into the microphone. “And I”m here to tell you that I can fuck whatever I want goodbye.”
He leaves the funeral place behind, along with the ghost of Shampoo-san, since their body could not be found.
Surprisingly, Shinji doesn’t really give a shit. Because he’s going to find Shampoo-san no matter what.
-
“Why are you buying all this goddamn shampoo?” asks the clerk at the store where Shinji first met Shampoo-san. He can’t see through his tears.
“Because.” he says, and he throws Monopoly money at the person, storming out of the store.
-
“Listen.” Shinji says to the gathering of shampoo bottles. “I need you to locate Shampoo-san.”
There is no response, because he is talking to like twelve shampoo bottles what the fuck. His wang feels empty without Shampoo-san’s embrace, and so angrily, he kicks the bottles away.
“Anger will get you nowhere.”
Shinji stops, frozen. He has no idea who could be talking to him, because he’s in the middle of the fucking mountains. Maybe it was his conscience, or maybe it was the Nut Man. He turns around.
No, it was Kaworu in a shampoo costume.
“They have no souls Shinji-corn. It is a fruitless effort”
Shinji stares at the pasty guy in the middle of the woods. He’s not really sure why, but he looks extremely attractive like that. It’s probably the shampoo-bottle curves or whatever the fuck
“Then how do I find them?” he asks, and Kaleidoscope proceeds to do a jazzy spin before explaining himself.
‘I’ve been curious about shapoo-san all along because shampoo shouldn’t have a soul and also i’m really good at locating shampoo specifically, follow me.”
Shinji follows him. Little does he know, he’s about to get the plot twist of his fucking life. Like I mean you aren’t expecting this shit. It’s probably like the fucking opposite of what you’re expecting.