Chapter Text
They’re at another one of those big holiday concerts, the crowd is screaming, the confetti are popping, and her head is a little dizzy from all the bowing. She sees Sungjae coming towards her and instinctively reaches out to grab her nearest member. Since God likes laughing at her, it’s Seulgi, who looks confused but doesn’t protest being dragged closer. She wears her trademark easygoing smile and looks between Sooyoung and the enormous boy-child approaching.
Sooyoung loves this enormous boy-child. She really does. The time they spent together felt like children playacting at love. He had been a sort of wish fulfillment. Years of unsatisfied pining and then this boy appeared to pretend with her, to make her feel special, to make her feel seen, to make her feel wanted. All technically for a stupid tv show for millions of fans, but Sooyoung has always been willing to settle. She tells herself she’s smart to appreciate what she has.
She loves him even more for trying to continue a friendship after the show has ended. It’s hopelessly sweet, and she’s always been a sucker for hopeless people.
“Oppa,” she calls to him.
He beams at her, “Sooyoung-ah, your performance was so good!”
“Was it?” she asks. “What part was so good?”
“All of it,” he says gallantly, “but especially how pretty you look. You’re always the prettiest.”
She laughs. This is why they’re so good together, and on screen they hammed it up even more for the camera. “You’re pretty bold to say that in front of my members. Weren’t they pretty too?”
“Of course they are,” he says, bowing to Seulgi, who politely bows back. “I must’ve been distracted.”
She laughs again and they make flirty small talk as they walk off stage. It’s so easy to fall back into habit with him, and there’s even a slight sense of security it gives her. He’s never been shy about telling her she’s attractive, and even though it’s clear they’re very much not meant to be, it’s always a confidence booster that Sungjae makes sure to seek her out to tell her she’s noteworthy.
It must be because she’s in such an ego-boosted state that when she sees Seulgi frown slightly beside her, her first thought is that Seulgi might finally be jealous. It’s such an absurd thought though, that the moment she thinks it even in her currently deluded state, she immediately throws it away. This is part of the reason she appreciates Sungjae, she reminds herself. She’s been so hungry for special attention from Seulgi for so long, she’s probably like some sort of starving animal, picking at real and imagined crumbs.
They make their way back to Red Velvet’s car. Yeri is probably already home and in bed, the lucky beneficiary of workforce protection laws for minors. It’s already near midnight, and they’re just starting to leave. Sooyoung sighs to herself softly. She remembers being 17 herself, jealous that the older members stayed to the ends of these shows while she had to be shuttled home early. Now she realizes what a gift it was, sleeping in her comfortable bed while the older members had to politely finish out the night. Oftentimes though, she would lie awake, wondering what the others (Seulgi) were up to. Did they (she) go out for drinks with friends? Were they (she) paying special attention to somebody?
It’s pretty quiet in the car when they all, minus Yeri, clamber in. Wendy or Yeri usually fill in the space with idle chatter but Yeri is home and Wendy is sleepily leaning on Joohyun in the backseat. She murmurs something that sounds a bit like, “Oppa.” Sooyoung smothers a giggle.
She smothers it because: one, she doesn’t want to wake up Wendy when she’s looking so cute and peaceful, two, Joohyun has an uncomfortable frown on her face and it’s the one she makes when she’s headed towards being her most broody. So she turns to Seulgi who’s sitting across from her in the middle seats of their van and says the first thing she can think of.
Which is apparently: “How was that for you, Unnie?”
But Seulgi smiles like it’s the most engaging question in the world and leans toward her as she answers, “It was so much fun! The crowd was really loud tonight.”
“Yea, they were,” she answers. “What was your favorite performance from the other groups?”
Seulgi blinks, her mouth forming a small “o”. Her gaze darts to Joohyun in the back. Joohyun’s eyebrows knit together for a moment before relaxing, and she makes a quiet little exhale. “I don’t think our Seulgi was paying attention during the performances. So airheaded,” she says fondly.
Sooyoung can’t quite read the exchange. So many years, and it still feels like a hidden world she can’t reach. Wendy has always been the most open of the older girls, bringing Sooyoung into her confidence early on, sharing her worries, hopes, many, many embarrassments. Joohyun is at least fairly consistent, the distant elder who watches over Sooyoung as a responsibility. But Seulgi is a mystery, seeming to waffle between entirely concerned and invested to disengaged, and sometimes even missing. Sometimes she thinks Joohyun or Wendy join her on her outings, but that’s only a guess when they’re all gone at the same time. She wouldn’t know who goes and when, since she’s never been asked. She’s also never asked Seulgi about her mysterious excursions. Something that has helped Sooyoung over the years: she only attempts things when there’s a high chance of success. She’s not a very lucky person, she’s discovered.
Also, being rebuffed by Seulgi is much more painful than being rebuffed by anyone else. She kind of just, fades from Sooyoung’s presence, so outwardly gentle, but actually not at all. The first time it happened, Sooyoung had been at a loss.
They were at an interview, just the four of them, since it was before Yeri had been added to their group. The interviewer had asked something she doesn’t remember, and she had responded something like: “Seulgi-unnie is getting cuter and cuter these days!” She always loved the genuinely surprised but happy look on Seulgi’s face when she complimented her. Wendy was gagging a little to the side, so she amended quickly, “I really want to set her up on a blind date sometime!”
Seulgi had blinked slowly, paused, laughed, and then her smile got really wide. Seulgi has a lot of smiles, but Sooyoung’s not a huge fan of this one for some reason. Looking back, she thinks it’s a sign. “But Sooyoung-ie is the cutest of us all.”
After the interview concluded, they went back to the team van. Wendy was chattering about something as usual, and Seulgi and Joohyun were nodding and smiling. A little after Sooyoung joined the conversation, Seulgi put in some earbuds, closed her eyes and leaned her head back, apparently going to sleep. Sooyoung hadn’t thought anything of it then.
The first inkling made its way into her mind when they were watching a movie in the living room that night, and there was an open space next to her on the sofa. She was sitting in the middle of the large sofa next to Wendy on her left. Joohyun occupied the armchair as per usual. Seulgi had wandered over to the group, blinked a few times at them, seemed to pause at the open space, and then turned away and went back to her room.
Sooyoung had shrugged it off, but then she felt itchy and left to take a shower. When she came back, Seulgi was sitting on the large couch, but so was Joohyun and Wendy. And Joohyun was curled around Seulgi, who didn’t seem to mind.
The next few days, it was subtle. Seulgi just didn’t end up next to Sooyoung ever. At meals it worked out so they always managed to sit diagonally across from each other. What made Sooyoung the most upset however, was the fact that she noticed. That was the most pathetic.
She’s brought back to the present when her phone buzzes. Seulgi pauses mid-sentence and they both turn to look at the bright screen. It’s Sungjae, asking if she’s free to get dessert tonight.
Sooyoung thinks about how nice it was to see him earlier, and how brief it was. She’s also thinking depressing thoughts tonight apparently, so it might be a good distraction. She turns to Joohyun, “Unnie, can I go get dessert with Sungjae-oppa right now? I’ll be back before two. He said his manager can drive me. We don’t have a schedule tomorrow.
Joohyun frowns, “It’s late, and you should be resting even if we have the day off tomorrow. And staying out with late with boys is…” She seems to flounder for words. “Not good for our image,” she finally manages.
Sooyoung pouts, but knows when not to push Joohyun any more. Seulgi however interjects quietly, “She should go. They haven’t seen each other in a while. Sungjae is a good kid, and thoughtful. I’m sure they won’t be caught.”
The wording is a little off to Sooyoung so she complains, “The public is so ridiculous. I can’t just get dessert with a guy without it being blasted on a gossip site. I should be smart like Yeri and get more girlfriends.”
Seulgi winces visibly, and then turns to Joohyun. They exchange another unreadable look. Sooyoung has suffered through too many of these in one night. Now she really wants to see Sungjae. It’s a tense moment, and then Joohyun nods once. “Okay,” she says.
They drop her off at a patbingsoo place whose owner Sungjae apparently knows well. She’s changed out of her concert attire and into a simple dark hoodie and leggings. The owner greets her in the alleyway and ushers her in through a side door. There’s a private room in the back and Sungjae is already inside, disinterestedly scrolling through his phone.
Objectively, she thinks, he looks the most attractive this way. He’s lean and tall, with good shoulders and just the right suggestion of coiled energy in his posture. His eyes are a bit like the rest of him, long and narrow, and when they’re focused like this, and his lips are slightly pursed, Sooyoung can admire the rising actor Korea is becoming smitten with. It’s just a bit of aloofness, a little bit of boyish charm, and an attractive slyness. He notices her and then the moment ends: his eyes disappear and his mouth stretches into the most unrestrained grin.
“Oppa, were you waiting for a long time?” she asks as she settles into the booth he’s sitting in. They’ve long since passed any kind of physical affection boundary and she brushes up against his side as she gets settled.
“Not too long,” he says. “I decided not to order for you in case your order changed.”
“Ah you know me,” she says with a half-laugh, “I don’t like risks.”
He laughs a little too hard for such a poor joke. Maybe he’s just being kind, or maybe he’s also in the mood to be entertained. Either way, she appreciates it. The owner comes back in to check on them and Sungjae orders for them both.
He updates her about his members, and then listens to her complain about her ever-growing workload. Joohyun is getting more and more stressed every week, and as a result more and more strict. She makes fun of his newest haircut: “You look like a little kid! You should call me noona now.”
He pouts at her. “The drama I’m filming made me get it.”
“Aww,” she coos, “It’s okay. You still have sexy lips.”
He tries to smirk, but ends up covering his mouth with a hand to hide his obvious pleasure. It’s cute, how much he appreciates her compliments. It’s a sign of how much she likes him that she doesn’t pursue her advantage and tease him about it. Instead she lets him recover, waits for him to lower his hand and continue, leaning in closer to her. “It’s too bad I already washed off my lip stain tonight. It was kind of a dark rose color.”
“You don’t need to work to impress me. I’m easily satisfied, remember?” She leans in a bit closer, where she can almost feel his breath over her lips. “And I like your bare lips too.”
He surprises her by frowning and pulling away. He seems to be lost in thought for a moment, and then turns to her, an oddly vulnerable look on his features. “Maybe you shouldn’t be so easily satisfied.” He pauses. His hand moves to not quite rest on top of hers, just hovers above. “If you could, what would you want?”
“If I’m already satisfied, how could I be more satisfied?” she says.
“Pretend for me,” he says.
Pretend what? Her life is unfolding as well as could be expected. She’s on track to becoming a successful idol. She’s made a major variety show debut with the person sitting next to her much earlier than most and much more successfully than most. She has a rapidly growing fanbase, not just for her group but personally. She gets along fine with her members and particularly well with Yeri. Sometimes she wishes Joohyun liked her more, and sometimes she wishes he had more stamina while dancing, and sometimes she sees Seulgi after dance practice and there are those flashes of something more and sometimes she thinks Seulgi starts to tell her things but then she always changes the subject and sometimes she starts to tell Seulgi things but then she feels ashamed. Why would Seulgi want to hear about her dumb problems? Seulgi is always kind, so she’d always listen, even if she doesn’t want to. Sooyoung wants to be wanted, doesn’t want to be an extra burden, and Seulgi is so good at picking up extra burdens. (Though sometimes it feels like she somehow becomes worse when it comes to Sooyoung, or why else does she always need to disappear?)
“I want you to want me,” she says, and winces as it comes out of her mouth. It seems to hang in the air between them like the sickly smell of a cheap joint. She covers her face as she feels her cheeks start to heat up.
“I want you,” he says so seriously, she has to look. There’s an intensity in his eyes that she’s never seen before, looks foreign on his face. She’s almost scared, but also almost intrigued. “I want you,” he repeats, slower this time.
He’s waiting for her to direct him, she realizes. Her chest feels tight. But it’s not a new sort of tightness, more like it’s always been tight, she’s just never realized it before. How to unclench, she wonders. “Kiss me then,” she hears herself saying. She marvels at the quiet authority in her own voice. It’s usually so sweet and even cloying.
He leans in. His lips are soft. She lets her eyes flutter shut and opens her mouth slightly to give him more purchase. His bottom lip skims over her teeth, not aggressively, but also unhesitant. She feels his breath against her lips, her nose, her face, feels her heartbeat, her clenched chest. He pulls away, brushes the hair from her face.
She looks at him. They’re both breathing a little louder. She looks at him, takes in everything like it’s the first time again. She’d first really looked at him at the café almost a year ago, he’d been studying the menu too intently, trying to think of something to say. She’d smiled at his tall build, his obvious ego, his eagerness to succeed and boyish awkwardness and thought to herself, “I could be satisfied.”
She looks at him now, and wonders what that means. He’s so much more than he was back then. She’s looking through all these layers, she doesn’t even know if she can see them all. She used to think she was such a good reader of people. He’s cocky and confident, underneath that he’s dopey and kind, underneath that there’s such intensity. Is it desire, is it more? She feels ignorant. She feels young.
She can’t recognize it.
He seems to take pity on her, and his eyes soften. “I’ve been thinking,” he starts. “Maybe we shouldn’t be satisfied.” He smiles at her, so gently. “Sooyoung-ah, do you even know what you want?”
She stares at him. She realizes she’s gripping his hand too tightly. She lets go. He pats her open palm.
“I’ll call my manager to take you home,” he tells her before pulling out his phone. “Joohyun-noona will be mad at both of us if I keep you any longer.” He gives her one last look. “Think about it, okay?”
She wills the energy to nod her head.
There’s a figure sitting at the kitchen counter in the dark when she gets back. She debates walking past but decides that would be dumb.
It’s Seulgi. She’s unmoving as she watches her approach. There’s a light from the bathroom down the hallway; Sooyoung doesn’t like sleeping without any light. She wonders who turned it on since she wasn’t here. The light is just enough to illuminate the whites of Seulgi’s eyes. Sooyoung can see her eyes trail her.
Suddenly she’s all too aware and her chest feels too tight. She gasps. Both her hands clench.
Seulgi jerks to her feet and is suddenly by her. “Sooyoung, are you okay?”
She doesn’t know, so she shakes her head.
“Do you need ibuprofen? Water?” Seulgi asks. There’s urgency in her voice, concern. She looks a little wild-eyed, maybe desperate.
Sooyoung shakes her head, “I don’t know.” She pauses. Seulgi has reached a hand out to hover over her shoulder. She stares at Seulgi’s hand. Seulgi follows her gaze, and then jerks it away.
“I think I’m just going to go to bed,” Sooyoung says quietly. She’s recovered herself enough to look at Seulgi again. Seulgi also seems to have gone back to normal, mostly. She’s not smiling, but she looks less wild.
Seulgi nods, “That’s probably smart.”
Sooyoung moves towards the bathroom. She turns. “Are you going to sleep soon?”
“Sure,” Seulgi says.
Sooyoung doesn’t have the energy to summon anything else, so she just continues to the bathroom. She wonders if Sungjae knows what he wants. If Seulgi knows what she wants.