Chapter Text
Grace’s lesson was interrupted by a sudden ripple of noise throughout his students. After a moment of trying (and failing) to wrangle them back into their seats and deciphering where their attention was directed, he turned to see Simon tentatively walking towards him.
“Simon, hey,” he said, surprised. Simon had never once visited him while he was at work.
“Sorry, I don’t want to interrupt you,” the other man said, already poised to retreat back to the house.
“No, no, no.” Grace turned back to his students. “Uh- talk about something!”
He was immediately met with groans and complaints about how they wanted to talk to the new human—which… fair—but after a few short moments of arguing, Grace managed to dissolve the attention and turned back to Simon.
“What’s up?”
Simon’s face struggled between confused and amused. “I just mi… uh, I was wondering if I could watch your class?”
Grace turned between his students and Simon. “I mean, sure. I doubt you’ll find it very captivating. They have perfect memory; most of the time they’re correcting me.”
Simon chuckled. “You’re teaching aliens. Something will keep me entertained.”
Grace was still delighted every time Simon smiled. When he’d first woken up, Grace worried he would be trapped forever with someone who could barely hold a conversation. If only he had that problem now. Still, even if he was leaving, Grace was honored to have been allowed to peel back Simon’s layers and meet the person he really was.
Grace exhaled heavily and forgot to respond. Simon’s smile slowly morphed into an awkward laugh and he shifted uneasily on his feet.
“So, can I-”
“Oh! Yeah, yeah, ‘course.” Grace grabbed his chair and offered it to the younger man, who accepted it gratefully and settled into the corner, as far away from his students’ attention as possible.
His efforts turned out to be fruitless, because, turns out, being a literal alien species makes you quite the topic of curiosity, and so most of the questions that Grace received that day regarded the man behind him. For the ones directed right at Simon, Grace would translate and Simon would answer softly. Grace hadn’t been sure how he’d act surrounded by so many young Eridians—the only members of the species he had encountered were Rocky and Adrian—but he handled it remarkably well. Grace’s admiration for him only grew.
“Alright, alright.” He finally interrupted their interrogation. “Simon’s just here to observe, so no more questions for him, okay?”
He was met with a begrudging ‘Yes’ and turned to see Simon offer him a small smile.
His teaching that day was… sub-optimal. His mind kept drifting back to the man behind him, wondering if he was making a complete fool of himself up there. He’d never even been that nervous when administrators had walked in on his lessons, and there he was blubbering in front of someone he’d known for a few weeks.
He did manage to find a sort of groove with Simon there, however long it took, and just hoped that his students wouldn’t go home to their parents and talk about how much of an idiot he was.
When class finished and his students hurried away, Grace breathed a sigh of relief and fell unceremoniously onto his desk.
He turned to Simon at the sound of him standing up, and smiled sarcastically. “So, was it as exciting as you always dreamed it would be?”
Simon snorted. “Sure. You’re really great with them, you know.”
Grace furrowed his eyebrows. “Mm, did we just watch the same class?” He chuckled.
Simon raised an eyebrow. “Yeah. And I mean it”
Grace could feel blush creeping onto his cheeks. “Yeah, uh, thanks.” Simon nodded. “I might have to stay a little longer—plan some things out for tomorrow—and it’ll be pretty boring, so you can go back to the house if you want.”
Simon thought for a moment. “Can I stay?”
“Yeah, um, of course! I won’t really be able to put up much of a conversation, so…” Grace trailed off into a laugh.
Simon shrugged. “That’s fine. I’ll just hang out here until you’re done.”
Grace smiled brightly. “Okay.”
They sat in silence for the next hour or two, Simon managing to entertain himself with Grace’s books and trinkets, or simply by looking around the room or out at the water. Once he settled in, Grace almost forgot he was there. He fit so nicely into his routine when he wasn’t actively giving a presentation in front of him. Now he had nothing to prove, and could just exist in the same room as Simon while they went about their separate business.
When Grace was done there, they walked back up to the house, shoulders brushing occasionally, and did much of the same there too. They did that a lot—just coexisted together. Grace went about his usual business like he did before Simon had ever gotten there, only with the added comfort of the other man’s presence around the corner.
“Eridians have a perfect memory?” Simon asked while they sat on the couch together.
“Oh, yeah. Switching from teaching humans to them was a pretty big adjustment. They don’t need any review days so we get things done a lot faster.” He laughed. “They’re somehow even more talkative than human middle schoolers, though, so things kind of even out.”
Simon smiled. “Well, you handle them expertly.”
Grace gave up on disparaging that statement, so he just waved a hand dismissively. “It just takes practice. I’m sure you’ll master it too, eventually.”
Simon tensed up slightly and looked at Grace with the most awful combination of pity and guilt, and Grace realized what he’d said.
They both waited in an uncomfortable silence as neither of them could find the words to move the conversation forward.
“Grace, I’m sorry-” Simon started, but Grace wouldn’t let him continue.
“No, no. I just forgot. It’s okay.” Grace buried his nose in the book he’d been reading before, and tried his best to ignore Simon’s gaze still locked onto him.
“Okay,” Simon said after a long time, and Grace finally found the courage to breathe again.
“Do you want to see the ocean?” Grace asked absentmindedly.
They were sitting in the Hail Mary in companionable silence early in the morning, before Grace had to leave for work. Simon paused in turning the Rubik’s cube Grace had taught him how to solve, and shifted his gaze toward the beach outside.
“I don’t know if I’d call it an ocean, but sure,” he said dryly.
“No, not that one. A real one, from Earth.”
Simon smirked warily. “Of course.”
“Follow me.” Grace got up hastily and bounded away, but waited for the sound of Simon’s quiet footsteps before he could get far.
Simon paused in the doorway to the video room after Grace slipped inside, and looked around curiously. “What’s this room?”
Grace ran straight to the computer that controlled the panels surrounding them. “It can show you anything you want. Anything from Earth, anyway. It was probably the only thing that kept me sane before I met Rocky.”
The screens lit up one by one and the speakers crackled to life with the sound of waves and birds in the distance. A rocky beach materialized in front of them, the sand too rough to be considered comfortable and too fine to be smooth rock. Grace thought it was perfect. The beach looked very similar to the one just outside, only with slightly less fog and the more realistic colors of the water and mountains. Behind them stretched a thick forest, its contents hidden by its interwoven wildlife.
Simon fully entered the room, eyes alight and turning in all directions to survey the entire space. He reached out carefully to touch the screen closest to him, like he wasn’t sure they hadn’t actually been teleported to Earth. He flinched when a particularly loud bird flew by but quickly broke into laughter.
“This is Earth?” he asked, turning to Grace.
Grace nodded and settled down onto the metal floor. Simon quickly joined him.
“That’s the Pacific Ocean,” he said, pointing at the endless waves. “Biggest ocean in the world.”
“You can’t see the other side,” Simon observed, squinting his eyes like that would improve the quality of the camera the video had been captured on. “Where are we?”
“Oregon.” Grace sighed. “Place I grew up. I used to live pretty close to this beach.” He turned and pointed to a small cliff to their right. “When I was a teenager, sometimes I’d sneak out and drive out here to sleep right there, under the stars.” He sighed fondly at the memory. “I have no idea why this is in the computer’s database—must’ve been fate or something that I got picked for the mission.” Grace left out the fact that he hadn’t exactly been picked from the start.
“It’s beautiful here.” Simon said, head back on a swivel. “You liked the ocean a lot?”
“Yeah. It was my favorite place.”
Simon hummed softly. “Why?”
Grace smiled. It wasn’t like Simon to question him like this, but he certainly wasn’t complaining. “Closest I could get to space without actually going there, I guess.”
“And you always wanted to go to space?”
“God, no.” Grace chuckled. Simon looked confused. “Never have. I mean, it’s always been fascinating to me, but also way too scary. Stratt had to force me up there.”
Simon narrowed his eyes. He was silent for a moment before he said, “You keep mentioning this Stratt person. Who were they?”
And there it was.
Grace took a steadying breath. It was always hard talking about her. When he was on Earth, at the peak of his research, he’d actually thought that they were pretty good friends. He’d never really been able to tell if she felt that way too. He still didn’t.
“She’s the one who organized the whole project,” he started. “She came to the school and recruited me to help research Astrophage, so we worked together a lot after that. I thought we were pretty good friends, but she was the kind of person where you could never really tell how they felt about you.” Grace’s eyes flickered to Simon. “There was this… accident. The scientist that was supposed to go on the ship died, and I was the only one left qualified enough to replace him, so I kind of didn’t have a choice.” He cleared his throat. “I, uh, still tried to fight it. Even tried to run away from her.” He chuckled. “But, uh, they sedated me and put me on the ship anyway. Then I woke up in space.
Simon was quiet for a long time.
“That’s awful,” he said.
Grace shook his head. “No, she was… she saved humanity, right? How can I be mad at her?”
Simon met Grace’s gaze steadily. “You saved humanity, Grace. Stratt was just smart enough to trust you to do it.”
Grace looked away. “No, I just-”
“Grace.” Simon grabbed Grace’s shoulders and held him solidly in front of him. Grace was forced to look at him, and this time, his eyes told Grace everything he was feeling. Exasperation and respect and… something deeper that he couldn’t quite name. “Why do you never believe me when I tell you how great you are?”
Grace tried to take a step back, but couldn’t wriggle out of Simon’s judgement with the steady presence of his hands on his shoulders. “I’m not that great.”
“Jesus Christ.” Now Simon laughed, more amused and more annoyed than he’d ever seen him. “You saved all of fucking humanity.” He didn’t let Grace get another word in before he continued. “You survived in space without any training. You figured out how to communicate with a rock with nothing but numbers. You’re so good with your students, even when they don’t deserve it. You’re just…” Grace raised his eyebrows when Simon never finished his sentence. “You’re amazing.”
He kept saying that. Selfishly, Grace didn’t want him to stop.
Grace smiled wide, and they just stared at each other for a while, basking in the warmth of the moment.
“Well,” Grace started, nodding to the water. “Now you have something to look forward to. When you get to Earth.”
Simon looked at him strangely. “I already had an idea.”
Grace wasn’t sure exactly what that meant, or why Simon was staring so intently into his eyes, but he smiled and nodded regardless.
“I can teach you how to work this computer so you can use it on your journey. It’s got the entire internet on it- all of human knowledge, basically.”
Simon looked a bit overwhelmed, but smiled nonetheless. “Thank you,” was all he said.
Simon finally turned back to the beach around them, admiring the mountains especially. Grace found himself entirely transfixed by the other man.
God, he didn’t want him to go. He didn’t think he’d be able to bear waking up every day knowing that he’d never see Simon’s deep, thoughtful eyes, or hear his calming voice again. He got the sudden urge to grab the other man by the shoulders and turn him around just so he could memorize the planes of his face. He somehow restrained himself.
“What is that?” Simon sounded almost alarmed as he pointed to a very disheveled seagull strolling lazily around them.
Grace couldn’t help laughing. “That’s called a seagull. They live around oceans and beaches because… actually I don’t know. They probably eat fish or something. On Earth they mostly ate French fries and hair.”
“Seagull…” Simon tried the word out. “A bird, right? I learned about the basic animals on Earth, but no one really liked talking about them. Too painful, I guess. Plus, I received a pretty piss-poor education, so I probably know even less than most.”
“Were there any animals on Eden?” Grace asked.
“No. People did talk about dogs a lot—cats too—they were the most well documented animals after the Quiet Rapture because everyone kept whining about how much they missed them. I’ve only ever seen pictures, though.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me.” Grace groaned and flopped down onto the floor. “I never even had a dog and I miss the stupid things.”
Simon followed suit, although much less dramatically, smiling softly. “You miss a lot of things about Earth?”
They were very close now. “Of course. I miss most of it.”
Simon hesitated while he tried to work out his next sentence. Grace held his gaze.
“Why don’t you come with me?”
Grace sighed wistfully and offered Simon a small smile. He looked so sad. His voice was so uncharacteristically vulnerable that, were they talking about anything else, Grace would’ve said yes.
“I can’t,” he nearly whispered. “Earth was never… home for me. Erid is.”
“Yes, but it could be.” Simon insisted. “We could make it that way. You could see the ocean again. You could get a dog.”
Grace wanted so badly to say yes. He hated seeing Simon this upset, especially over something that he could theoretically fix. And he did want to see the ocean again. He wanted to touch real grass, and eat a vegetable. He wanted to watch the new movies that had come out while he’d been gone. He wanted to see his students again and ask them how their lives were going. But he knew he couldn’t. Erid was his home, his place. Rocky, Adrian, and all of the other Eridians were the only people to ever show him where he truly belonged. All before Simon, that was.
“I’m sorry.”
Grace watched, all through Simon’s eyes, as he went slowly from disappointment to anger to acceptance. Simon scanned his face slowly before he backed away. It was only then that Grace realized how close they’d been.
“Alright. I respect that.”
Grace nearly kissed him.
Whoa. What was that?
Simon had gotten up and was starting to say something, but Grace couldn’t really hear him. His mind buffered endlessly on the last coherent thought he’d managed to think, like eventually he’d be able to pick it apart and examine it, once the shock wore off.
It did not seem to be wearing off.
Grace had never even considered developing romantic feelings for the other man, or just… anyone since he’d left Earth, but the more he thought about it, the more he couldn’t get it out of his head. He spent an awful lot of time staring into his eyes—as did Simon, but he resolutely shoved that thought away—but that didn’t mean that he liked him or anything, he was just an observant person.
“Grace?” Simon stood over him, a hand outstretched. “Are you okay?”
As the other man’s face came into focus, the only thing he could think was that he did want to kiss him.
Grace grit his teeth. “Yes.”
He would get over it.
Grace was avoiding Simon. He was clearly doing his best to hide it by burying himself in his teaching and preparing the Hail Mary for Simon’s departure, but Simon had started to see through all of it.
The worst part was that Simon knew exactly why, but didn’t know how to start fixing everything. He must have freaked him out when he tried to insist that Grace go back with him to Earth. Damn it, why did he think that would ever work? He’d clearly overstepped a boundary, made Grace uncomfortable, and very possibly ruined the last few weeks they had together.
It hurt, and much more than he thought it would have.
So Simon decided to back off as well. Clearly he had offended Grace, and the last thing he wanted was to take his kindness for granted. Grace was quite literally giving him the world, and Simon had done nothing but try to stab him.
He hated not being around Grace. He hated not hearing his stupid jokes and seeing his stupid face every day. He hated that he hated not being around him. Most of all, he hated that the way Grace was avoiding him was by pouring himself into helping Simon get to Earth. And he hated that the only way to fix it was to avoid him right back.
A month after Simon had been brought to Erid, Rocky banged on the door.
It didn’t startle Simon—he’d grown fairly accustomed to the creature’s visits in the weeks since he’d arrived—but it was the first time Rocky had come over while Grace had been out.
When Simon opened the door, Rocky was quick to greet him. “Hello, Simon!” he chirped.
“Hey, Rocky.” Grace had given Simon his computer and taught him how to work its Eridian translator, although he’d mentioned that it wasn’t an incredibly sophisticated machine, and wouldn’t translate everything the alien said 100% perfectly. Simon thought it was pretty cool. He still wasn’t completely sure how to feel about having a full conversation with an alien made of rocks, though. “Sorry, Grace isn’t here right now.”
“Yes, I know. Rocky came to check on Simon.” Rocky brushed past Simon, and made his way casually into the house.
“Wh… why is Rocky checking on Simon?” Simon turned slowly and closed the door behind him.
Rocky settled himself on the edge of the couch. “Grace sounded worried about you, so Rocky wanted to make sure you were okay.”
Simon raised his eyebrows. “Grace sounded worried about me?”
“Yes, kept talking about how he was sad that Simon was going.” Rocky paused for far too long to be considered an accident, and let Simon digest that information.
Well, of course Grace would be sad to see him go, he was the only other human on the planet, any normal person would be a little bummed. Yes. Right. Simon couldn’t stop the microscopic smile from forming on his face.
“He is worried that Simon will not be welcomed to Earth like how Grace was accepted on Erid.”
Oh. Yes. That made more sense. Simon felt extremely narcissistic, assuming that Grace would be entirely devastated to see him go, like he didn’t have a whole life and other, closer friends to worry about.
“Yeah, well, I’ve never really been accepted anywhere I go,” Simon said, slumping heavily onto the couch beside Rocky.
Rocky was silent for a while, and Simon picked absently at his pants. Finally, he said, “You did not have friends or family on Eden, question?”
Simon shook his head. “My parents… they’ve been gone for a while. I had some friends, but they… did some bad things. We did some bad things.” He added softly.
“Rocky can be Simon’s friend.”
Simon snorted. “Thanks.”
“You are welcome!” Rocky’s mood shifted immediately. He stood up abruptly. “Do you want to go explore the Hail Mary together, question?”
“Uh, sure?” Simon had barely finished his sentence before Rocky was up and out the door. Simon scrambled to follow him.
Rocky was clumsy in the ship, especially because of the suit he had to wear, but Simon got the sense that he knew exactly where everything was. It was strange imagining him and Grace inside of it, floating aimlessly through space. The two impressed him more and more every time he thought about it.
“This is where Grace bred new species of Taumoeba.” Rocky stopped suddenly at the ship’s lab.
“Bred a new species?” Simon followed Rocky when he bounded excitedly into the room.
“Grace never told Simon, question?”
“No. He only said that you found that predator thing.” Simon looked around the room with what felt like completely new eyes. Grace was… everything he’d ever hoped to be. Exceedingly smart and effortlessly funny. He’d thought the same thing so much over the previous weeks and yet he couldn’t stop.
Another wave of disappointment ran through him when he remembered that Grace didn’t exactly seem to like him right then. What did that say about Simon, that even someone like that didn’t want to be around him.
Rocky grew strangely thoughtful. “Grace is amazing person. He doesn’t think that way.”
He could say that twice.
“What does Simon think about Grace, question?”
“Uh…” Simon wasn’t sure exactly what to say. How did he sum up everything he thought about the other man? He was granting the only wish Simon had ever really had—to just live.
“I respect him a lot. He’s smart and… just better than I could ever hope to be.”
Rocky made a humming sound that the computer couldn’t translate. “Simon likes Grace?”
Simon furrowed his brow. “Of course. He saved my life.”
“No, no. Simon misunderstands!” Rocky corrected. “Simon likes Grace more than usual. As more than friend.”
Simon spluttered. No. What? No.
“No, I don’t. Grace is just my friend—not even that, really! We barely know each other.” Simon waved his hands around wildly as he spoke, a flush creeping up his neck.
“Grace and Simon have spent every day of the last month together. Act like Rocky and Adrian!”
“Mm-mm. Grace is just nice to me because he’s a nice person.”
“Rocky can hear Simon’s heart when Grace gets close.” Rocky tilted his body teasingly.
“Uh, uh. There’s nothing weird about my heart.”
Fuck. He hadn’t even considered that the Eridian’s could hear things like that. Oh, God, what if Rocky told someone? What if he told Grace? Not that it did mean anything, of course, but it could be misinterpreted as such, as Rocky so clearly had.
“Yes, just like that!” Rocky pointed to Simon’s chest.
Did Simon like Grace like that? The fact that he couldn’t answer that right away scared him. He thought about how disappointed he’d been the past week, all because he didn’t get to see Grace for every second of every day. Was that what that feeling was? He’d never really felt anything close to love before, so he had nothing to compare it to.
No. It couldn’t be. He shut the train of thought down as quickly as it had been forcefully shoved into his mind.
“I’m leaving,” he said. “And I don’t think Grace even likes me at all right now, so it doesn't matter.”
Simon turned to go, and Rocky scrambled to stop him. “Grace doesn’t hate anyone! Not even people who forced him here.” Rocky stopped for a second before he asked, “Simon will miss Grace while on Earth?”
“Yeah, I-” Simon sighed. “Of course I will! You think I want to leave him here?”
If Rocky took offense to the comment he didn’t show it. “Grace will miss Simon.” When Simon opened his mouth to argue, Rocky continued hastily. “Simon should talk to Grace.”
“I… I’ll think about it,” he said, because it was all he could think to say. That seemed to cheer Rocky up because he continued bounding down the hallway of the Hail Mary, resuming his personal tour like nothing had interrupted them.
Simon reluctantly followed, and barely heard anything the alien said for the rest of the day.
That night, when Simon left the house for their daily chat on the beach, Grace did not show up. He waited until the sun had fully dipped below the horizon, and then waited a little longer for good measure. Grace never came.
Tears welled in his eyes as he cursed himself for being such an idiot. He’d ruined everything with just a few words, and now he might never have a real conversation with Grace again. He was set to be leaving soon—within the next few days—and he was wasting his time left on Erid sitting alone on the fake beach because he’d tried to be bold and keep one of the only people he’d ever really cared about.
When it became difficult for him to hold his eyes open, Simon walked back to the house, expecting to find Grace already asleep, but he was nowhere to be found. Maybe he’d gone to sleep at Rocky and Adrian’s place. Another sour feeling ran through him at the revelation that Grace would rather sleep in an unbearably uncomfortable xenonite suit than under the same roof as Simon.
In the early hours of the morning, Simon gave up on trying to sleep and stumbled out of bed, just shy of delirious to search the house for Grace again. Still, he was entirely absent, although he was probably still asleep at Rocky’s home; it was far too early for any sane person to be awake.
Simon moped around the house, impatient and bored. He fiddled with his Rubik’s cube and flipped through some of Grace’s books for about a half an hour before he decided that he was too restless to stay at home. He shrugged on the jacket Grace had lended him—the non-ugly yellow one—and practically threw himself out the door.
He headed straight for the Hail Mary, hoping some time alone in a place where he could keep his hands busy would set his mind straight. The walk there was quiet and peaceful, though the whirlwind of his brain wouldn’t really let him enjoy it.
He walked through every possibility of things he could say to Grace to fix things. He didn’t think he’d ever forgive himself if he left on bad terms with the other man, and was forced to live the rest of his life wondering if he even still remembered him.
He felt another wave of uncertainty at the reminder he was leaving. The thought of leaving Grace; leaving Rocky and Adrian and this place that made him feel safe and cared for was too much to think about at three in the morning.
Upon arriving at the ship, he quickly realized that his hopes of solitude would not be answered. A loud bang echoed throughout the ship as soon as Simon set foot inside, nearly making him jump through the roof.
He sighed. Rocky must have already been in there for God knows what reason. At least he could probably tell him where Grace was.
As he made his way down the hallway, more rustling could be heard, until he could tell that the noises were coming from the video room. As he stepped inside, he prepared for the barragement of questions and accusations from the alien, probably a rematch of their little talk from the day previous. Simon groaned.
“Hey, Rock-”
Grace stared back at him.
Simon blinked, briefly immobilized. Grace looked… not great. His hair was even messier than its usual unkempt state, and his eyes were narrowed and sunken, like he hadn’t been sleeping well. His glasses were sitting on the floor next to him and his sweater was nearly falling from where he’d tied it around his hips.
“Grace. Hey,” he said clumsily. He took a step toward the man before he thought better of it.
“Simon.” Grace was out of breath while also appearing far too energetic for the time of day. “Hi.”
“What are you doing out here so early?”
Grace closed his eyes for a moment and rubbed his hand over his cheek. “I, uh. I noticed that this panel was broken so I wanted to fix it.” He gestured vaguely behind him where Simon could now see a mess of wires and cables running along the inside of a compartment on the wall that Grace had removed. “How, um, how early is it?”
Grace’s voice was shaking now, and Simon decided it more pressing to help him than keep his dignity, so he stepped forward and put a steadying hand on his arm. Grace’s eyes locked onto the point of contact immediately.
“How long have you been out here?” Simon asked.
Grace didn’t look away from Simon’s hand on his arm. “Just, um, a few hours, I think? I can’t really tell the time in here.”
“A few hours? It isn’t even morning yet. Jesus Christ, Grace, you need to rest.”
“Damn it, I can’t!” Grace ripped himself from Simon’s grip and backed away. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, I just. You’re leaving soon and I… I ruined it.” He looked back to the broken panel. “I need to fix it.”
“Grace,” Simon said softly. “It’s okay. I promise you it’s okay.”
“It’s- it’s not.” Grace almost laughed. “I’m sorry, I’m… a mess. I need to- I need to go.” He shoved past Simon and half ran out of the ship. Simon was left too stunned to follow.
The door closed with a thud and Simon was left in the loudest silence he’d ever had the misfortune of experiencing.
What the fuck was that?
Grace sighed and closed his laptop. He laid his head on his arms and collapsed heavily on top of his desk, all remaining energy draining out of him.
He’d been in his makeshift classroom all day, burying himself in his future lesson plans and reviewing what he could improve on from his past ones. Turned out, creating your own curriculum and teaching it to beings who were probably already smarter than you was hard. At least, that’s what Grace was going to pretend was the reason he was there so late.
Slowly, he packed up his stuff and started his walk home, where Simon was bound to be waiting.
He felt bad for ignoring Simon. He felt awful, actually, but he just couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t look him in the eyes, or talk to him, or even think about him without being force fed the knowledge that soon he would never see him again.
Maybe he liked Simon a little too much, sue him. He was funny and thoughtful and everything that Grace wasn’t, it was impossible not to.
Grace’s little outburst that morning was sure to have scared him off for good, so mission accomplished, he guessed. If anything, it probably sealed the deal on Simon leaving.
It was when he was thinking all of this that he noticed a silhouette outlined against the setting sun.
It was Simon, evidently, (he was the only other human on the planet, so pretty obvious.) sitting in their usual spot and staring out at the water. Grace froze when he saw him.
He probably only came to let him down easy, to do it in a place that Grace liked to soften the blow. Maybe he would even request to stay somewhere else for the few days he had left on Erid, or just anything else to get away from Grace. He would hardly blame him if he did.
Eventually he steeled himself and forced himself to walk up to the other man.
Simon sat with his arms crossed atop his knees, which were pulled loosely to his chest. He heard Grace walk up, he could tell, and sighed deeply. They waited like that for a while, neither wanting to start the conversation.
Clearly, Grace had to be the one to begin, but he had absolutely no idea where to. He had so many things he needed to say. So many important things that Simon had to know before he left that he just… he didn’t know if he could. He wanted to tell him how much he meant to him, because Simon had never once seemed to believe that he was anything more than an unwanted test dummy sent down into the closest thing to hell humans had discovered. He wanted to tell him how he felt, that no one had made him feel like that in a long time—just wholly and completely accepted and safe.
(The last person he’d trusted like that had probably been Carl, and… well, that didn’t end perfectly. Grace had long-since forgiven the man, though, and just tried to treasure their first memories together, before the fate of the entire world had come between the close bond they’d cultivated. And yeah, maybe Grace had developed the tiniest crush on him, but that was neither here nor there.)
Most of all, he wanted to beg Simon to stay, like the other man had done for him.
Grace opened his mouth to speak.
But he couldn’t bring himself to. How could he ask Simon to abandon the only real chance at life he’d ever gotten? Given the infinitesimal chance that the other man said yes, Grace would no doubt live the rest of his life in perpetual contrition as he wallowed over what he took from him.
An explanation had to be where he started.
“I broke that panel on purpose,” he said hurriedly. Simon said nothing, so he continued. “I just… I got so… mad. I’m sorry. I acted out, and got angry over something I don’t have any right to get angry over. I just didn’t want you to leave, and it was wrong. I know it was. I just… I’m sorry.”
Grace furiously held back the tears already welling in his eyes. Maybe it was good that Simon was leaving, because clearly he couldn’t be around the guy for an extended period of time without getting far too emotional. Dang it, he needed Simon to say something.
Abruptly, Simon stood and faced Grace, face held carefully still.
“I forgive you,” he said, and it was as simple as that.
Grace exhaled in disbelief, eyebrows raising to his hairline. He wanted to tell Simon that he shouldn’t. He was going to tell him that. He opened his mouth to protest, but Simon pushed forward.
“And I need to tell you something, too.”
Grace’s eyebrows traveled the length of his forehead to cover his eyes. “Um… yeah, sure. Okay.” He shoved his hands in his pockets to keep from fidgeting with them.
Simon took a deep breath to steady himself, and looked off the side like he was actually nervous. “So, the reason they put me in the Iron Lung was because… I was a convict.” He grit out the last word like it was a swear. Grace nodded calmly. “A while ago, there was this… battle.” Simon really seemed to struggle to get his story out, swallowing heavily in each pause in his words. “It was… really bad. And because of it, this… place—Filament Station—got destroyed.
“And I… shit. I’m the reason it did.” Now Simon looked like he wanted to cry. He still didn’t allow Grace any interjections, and barreled on precipitately. “We didn’t… I didn’t mean to. At least, I didn’t think it would get so bad, but it did, and now… Jesus, Grace there are so many people dead because of me.” Simon was crying now, though he was trying desperately to stop. He stopped talking when his voice didn’t seem like it could produce any more sound.
Grace pulled the other man into a hug.
Simon didn’t hesitate to throw his arms around him, shaking softly and gripping his back like a lifeline. It was the first time they’d touched for longer than a second or two, and Grace savored every moment. Soon, even Simon’s distant proximity would become a far away memory. So Grace just held him tightly, expressing with his actions what he could not with his words.
Simon eventually pulled away, wiping furiously at his eyes. “No, you can’t- you can’t keep doing this.”
“Doing what?”
“Being- being so fucking accepting all of the time! It’s going to get you hurt, and I can’t bear to see that. I could hurt you, Grace. Why can’t you hate me?”
Grace blinked at him. “You could hurt me.” He observed. “Just not in the way you think,” he murmured, entirely to himself.
“What?” Simon furrowed his brow.
Grace ignored the question. “I could never hate you, Simon, because I know you now, and I know that that’s not really who you are.”
“You don’t know me.”
“I do.”
“I already tried to hurt you.”
Grace chuckled softly. “You didn’t, though.”
Simon stared at him in wonder for a moment longer before he dropped his head and ran a hand over his forehead.
“You’re such an idiot,” he said, a laugh behind his words.
Grace smiled. “Maybe.”
Grace couldn’t help but grin, even if they were both in tears and breathing shakily, because the air between them was light and familiar. Grace felt as though he’d talked with Simon like this many times before, but upon thinking about it, he was sure he never had.
“We should be getting back,” Simon said, smiling. “Rocky might get on our case.”
Grace hesitated, then nodded slowly, smile falling if not the smallest bit.
He could tell Simon everything else tomorrow, so he’d never have to brave the awkwardness that was sure to follow. Simon might be angry that he kept so much from him, but Grace would smile and shrug and Simon would politely decline his invitation, and Grace could live with that. He would live with that.
Simon was leaving tomorrow.
Grace didn’t go to work that day, which Simon tried to discourage—Grace always got anxious when he missed class—but Grace shot him down immediately. He said that making Simon’s day the best it possibly could be—to make up for all the time they’d lost while he’d been selfish and stupid—was a far better privilege.
Simon hated him for making it so hard.
It was such an easy choice: stay on an alien planet with only one other member of your species, or finally get to live on the planet you’d always dreamed of, with eight billion other people just like you.
It was the hardest choice Simon had ever had to make.
It was a quiet day, overall. Grace seemed to understand that Simon needed a calm day of regular activities, not some huge celebration.
Rocky visited once, his usual overexcitement replaced with a knowing tranquility as he joined their slow, ordinary day together. Simon appreciated his presence greatly, he would miss the guy almost as much as Grace, because although he knew exactly how to piss Simon off, he was also a consistent highlight of his day.
And when Rocky eventually left, he was forced to endure the weight of the silence surrounding Grace alone.
They were eating lunch together when Simon finally broke.
“Oh!” Grace lit up suddenly. “Just wait until you have ice cream, it’s like the greatest thing of all time. But please don’t be a vanilla kind of guy, okay? No one will like you at parties.”
It was such a small remark; something he should have forgotten about the next day, with a million other more pressing things weighing down on him, but for some reason it was the moment that Simon realized he couldn’t take it anymore.
Simon stood suddenly, and Grace looked at him with the most endearing confused expression that it only made him run faster. He walked out the door as fast as he could without actually breaking into a sprint, and hurried down the stairs in confused, clumsy steps that took far longer than usual.
He couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t choose. Not between Grace and everything he ever thought he’d wanted.
And he felt so completely and utterly stupid for being so torn up about it. Any sane person would choose Earth. Home. Where he is and was always meant to be. But he thought of Grace and Rocky, and all the other Eridians he’d had the pleasure of meeting, and his heart ached so desperately for the life he was leaving. The first life he’d ever really cared about. Would other humans treat him as kindly as the one he’d found here? He wasn’t so sure.
“Simon, wait!” Grace followed quickly after him, only making Simon’s movements more erratic. “Just- stop! What’s wrong?”
They reached the beach, and Simon’s legs could not move anymore. Shakily he turned around to meet Grace, who’d descended much faster than him and already stood at eye level, face twisted into pain and confusion.
“Stop!” Simon swallowed thickly, very nearly crying. Grace took a step back in surprise. “You’re so good to me, and I can’t… just stop.”
“I don’t understand.” Grace said after a moment, regaining his footing.
“Stop being so nice and perfect and funny and cute and amazing all the time, you’re only making this harder…” Simon ran his hands messily down his face in an attempt to mask the few tears that had managed to fall.
“Shut up,” he said, face still hidden behind his hands.
“Wh- I didn’t say anything!” Grace argued.
“You were about to say something humble and self-deprecating, but I can’t just listen to that anymore so you’re going to shut up and let me talk.” Simon’s mouth couldn’t stop. Really his brain couldn’t, and every thought that entered his skull came immediately pouring from his mouth. Grace just looked at him, surprised.
“You’re the most… You’re the kindest and most thoughtful person I’ve ever met, and the bar is in hell, but I think by anyone’s standards you would be the ideal person to be stuck on an alien planet with. And you’ve made…” Simon swallowed thickly. “You’ve made me want to stay. And I hate you for it. And I love that you’ve let me know you like this. And I hate that a little bit too.”
Grace’s mouth worked, but he couldn’t seem to find any coherent thoughts to be put to words.
Eventually, and with the sense that he wasn’t saying it voluntarily, he said, “You want to stay?”
“Do you want me to stay?”
“I don’t… I don’t know.” Grace averted his eyes to the ground.
“Do you want me to stay?” Simon pressed harder.
“God, you can’t just…”
“Don’t think, just say it!”
“Yes, for fucks sake, I want you to stay!” Grace glared at him with wide, frustrated—angry—eyes. “I hate having to spend all my time devoted to sending you away and acting all happy and dismissive about it. And I can’t say anything because that’ll make me a terrible person, keeping you from everything you want, just because I happen to like you.”
“Grace-”
“No, now you’re gonna shut up and listen to me talk about you.” Grace poked him, hard, in the chest, which would’ve been adorable if not for the serious subject matter.
“You mean so much to me, Simon. And I don’t want you to leave. I actually want you to stay so badly, but I won’t… I don’t expect you to. So I don’t want you to worry about me once you’re on Earth, and I don’t want that to affect your decision at all. So please don’t give up on your dream just for me, because I can’t take that-”
Simon closed the distance between them and kissed him.
Grace froze for a second—they both kind of did—before he melted into it. He moved a hand to the back of Simon’s head almost like he was steadying himself and Simon cupped his cheek lightly, like he might scare him away.
Eventually Grace pulled away, countenance so adorably confused that Simon almost kissed him again.
Grace held out a loose hand between them. “What was… I mean, why did you- wh… what?” He ended lamely.
Simon laughed. Probably more than he ever had. Grace only looked more confused, though now his expression was infused with a hint of delight. Simon couldn’t stop laughing. God, how long had they played this dance around each other? Everything seemed so absolutely simple now, laid out plainly in front of him. This choice that had been so horrifically terrible for him just hours before now seemed so easy. There was really only one answer.
“I don’t think I can leave you.” Simon breathed, smile still playing on his lips.
Grace’s eyebrows shot up. “What?”
“I can’t leave. I won’t. I want to stay on Erid with you.”
“What?” Now Grace was smiling wide, but he just as quickly deflated, expression shifting to frustration. “No, no you can’t. This is what I was saying, Simon. You can’t stay for me, that’s not fair to yourself.”
“Ryland, please for once believe me when I say that I’m choosing you.” Simon grabbed the other man by the front of his jacket and forced him to look him in the eye. “I want to stay. I love Rocky and Adrian, and every other Eridian that’s shown me nothing but acceptance. I love… being with you. All I’ve ever wanted was to live. You gave me that. I’ll never find anything close to it on Earth.”
Tears welled in Grace’s eyes as he looked rapidly between Simon’s. He exhaled quickly.
“You’ll die faster here. The gravity is stronger than Earth’s, and we’re not built for it.” He choked out loudly.
Simon smiled. “I don't care.”
“We seriously can’t leave this dome. You’ll be stuck in here with me for the rest of your life.”
“That’s a downside?”
“You’ll never see the ocean.” Grace looked utterly devastated saying it, like he knew that it would turn Simon away, change his mind and make him clamor onto that shuttle before he could blink.
Simon shook his head slightly, gaze flickering between Grace’s eyes.
“I’ve already seen it.”
Grace chuckled wetly, eyes sparkling with water under the dim sun. He pulled Simon into another kiss—much worse than their first, Simon had to admit, because they were both laughing and crying too hard. It was perfect.
They pulled away at the same time, probably for something stupid like oxygen, but kept their foreheads pressed together, Grace’s hand on the back of his neck anchoring Simon in place. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, fully absorbing the moment. The light wind around them stung his cheeks where his tears had carved paths down his face, and it was too cold to be considered comfortable, but Grace was there, so none of that really mattered at all.
Simon laughed giddily. “You swore.”
“It won’t happen again.” Grace chuckled too.
They stood like that for a while, swaying gently with the wind and slowly accepting their circumstances.
Grace smiled eventually. “You’re staying.”
Simon hummed. “I’m staying.”
Grace pulled back, hand moving gently from the back of Simon’s head to cup his cheek, and just admired him for a while. He offered his free hand to Simon, who took it quickly and held it tight.
They both smiled warmly at each other, and headed back up the steps to their home.