Chapter Text
“Where are we going?” Neil asks, breaking the silence that’s passed between them for the last few minutes.
“Brooklyn,” Deadpool says without providing any further explanation.
“Why? We’re not anywhere near there.”
“Thank you, Captain Obvious,” the other vigilante deadpans. “You sure ask a lot of questions.”
“You sure avoid replying to any of them with a straight answer,” Neil fires back.
“Fine,” Deadpool says. “I live in Brooklyn. And I know a place where we can get free ice cream there.”
“I don’t like sweet things.”
“Boring, but noted,” Deadpool replies, pausing to take a look at their surroundings. “We should be far enough away now from the scene. You think you can keep up with me if I travel by rooftop and you swing?”
Neil decides to take the question as a challenge. “Obviously. Besides, you can’t be that fast. You’re too short.”
Deadpool looks him up and down slowly, sizing him up. It makes Neil feel unnerved.
“You’re not exactly tall yourself,” he says dryly. “Start going that direction.” Neil looks to where he’s pointing and nods. “You’ll be able to follow me the rest of the way.”
For once, Neil does as he’s told, swinging down the block. He catches sight of Deadpool soon after, who has somehow made it onto the rooftop and travels at a speed relatively comparable to Neil’s. He has to slow his swinging just a bit, but not much.
Every block they travel away from Riko and the Ravens, the better Neil feels. It has been more than a year since he last saw them, and he got lucky that they didn’t spot him before he slipped away. A suffocating feeling had still filled his chest as soon as he’d realized his instincts were right, that nothing good came from being near the Ravens’ territory.
Deadpool moves surprisingly fast for someone traveling by foot. Neil had noticed that passively while they had been in action, but he hadn’t had time to process it or try to understand. He had heard a bit about the other vigilante’s powers in passing, but it was hard to know what was true and what was false when most of it had been from people whispering about him. Maybe Neil could learn more about it from Deadpool himself.
He almost misses it when Deadpool stops moving, but it’s easy to double back when his senses alert him and then land on the sidewalk beside him. Neil looks at the nondescript building, then at Deadpool, and then back to the building.
The building is only a few floors with a store at the bottom and apartments at the top. Neil realizes that this must be where Deadpool wanted to bring him. He can’t imagine why—it’s the type of place most people would walk by without ever noticing. Maybe that’s part of the appeal.
The place is called Sweeties and it doesn’t even seem to be open, but Deadpool starts walking towards the entrance without any hesitation.
“Is it even open?” Neil asks, trailing behind him at a small distance.
“No,” Deadpool replies wryly.
“Then why—” Neil breaks off because Deadpool is pulling a key out and unlocking the door himself. He doesn’t bother holding the door open for Neil, as if he knows that since he’s already followed him this far, he’ll continue to do so.
Neil accidentally almost lets the door slam into his face when he sees Deadpool pulling off his mask and setting it aside on the counter. He only has a few seconds to register the man’s face, his blonde hair and sharp jaw, before his attention snaps to someone behind the counter.
“Andrew!” The other man says much too loudly. “It’s always so weird seeing you in here with your suit on. I was just closing up.”
Andrew. The name echoes over and over in Neil’s brain. Deadpool is revealing his identity to Neil, and he has no idea why it’s happening. It’s not like Neil could ever return the favor.
Maybe Deadpool just doesn’t care.
The man behind the counter notices Neil, and his eyes widen slightly in surprise.
“You brought a friend,” he says. “Who’s this?”
“You know exactly who it is, Nicky,” Deadpool’s—no, Andrew’s—voice is flat when he replies.
“Well, obviously. Does he have a name?”
“Ask him yourself.”
They’re talking like Neil isn’t right there. It infuriates him.
“You can just call me Spider-Man,” he says, forcing himself to calm down. None of this is worth the energy of being upset over, especially not when he needs to converse his energy as much as possible.
“Nice to meet you, Spider-Man.” Nicky gives him a smile that Neil assumes he thinks is charming. “I’m Andrew’s cousin, Nicky. Can I get you anything? We also have coffee, tea, pretty much anything you could want.”
Neil watches as Andrew goes behind the counter and starts serving himself ice cream, putting large scoops of flavors like triple chocolate fudge brownie and mudslide into a cup. He swats Nicky away when he tries to stop him, cutting a warning glare in his direction. Neil moves closer so he can see the flavors better, but still keeps his distance.
“I’ll just have the sorbet,” Neil says, shifting uncomfortably on the balls of his feet. He still doesn’t know why he followed Andrew here, but he knows he can’t afford to let his guard down.
“Gross. Out of all the flavors to pick,” Andrew replies. “Whatever. More of the good ones for me, then.” He pauses to take a large spoonful of his ice cream, then continues. “You can come closer, you know. We won’t bite. Not much at least.”
Neil sees Nicky roll his eyes as he grabs a cup and puts a few scoops of sorbet into it. It might not be nutritious, but hopefully it will be enough to substitute a couple of meals.
“Anything else?” Nicky asks, passing the cup and a spoon over to Neil.
Neil shakes his head, taking it. He pretends to search in his pockets for money he knows he most definitely doesn’t have on him. Nicky clocks it and quickly waves him off.
“It’s on the house,” he says. “Didn’t Andrew tell you I’m good for it?”
Neil never knows what to do with people’s kindness, even something as simple as this.
“Um. Yeah, thanks.”
“Anytime.” Nicky takes off the apron of his work uniform, setting it aside. He shoos Andrew out from behind the counter so he can actually start cleaning up. “Come back whenever, and you can always have anything you want for free.”
Neil would probably never be coming back, but he nodded in thanks anyways.
“If you’re done having an existential crisis for now,” Andrew speaks from where he stands by the door, “we’re leaving.”
Neil almost opens his mouth to argue that he wasn’t having an existential crisis, but maybe he is, at least a little bit. This is more social interaction than he’s had with anyone in years, and talking with people like Nicky for even a couple of minutes is exhausting.
He silently meets Andrew by the door, who tilts his head and studies him briefly. Whatever he sees satisfies him and he pushes the door open.
“Bye!” Nicky yells after them. Neil sends a wave in his direction and lets the door fall closed again.
Andrew passes Neil his ice cream so he can lock up behind them and continues towards a staircase that leads to the apartments above Sweeties.
“Isn’t it a bit too cold to be eating ice cream outside?”
“You couldn’t have spent another minute with Nicky,” Andrew shoots back. “And it’s never too cold for ice cream.”
Neil’s hands actually are pretty cold from holding ice cream cups in both of them, even with his suit on, but he doesn’t have the energy to argue and just follows Andrew.
Instead of stopping on any of the floors, Andrew keeps going to a Roof Access door that very clearly says not to enter. It looks like the type of door that should be locked, but the lock has clearly been sabotaged and Andrew is able to open the door after jiggling the handle a couple of times.
Andrew—Neil probably should ask the other man if he wants to be called Deadpool or Andrew, since he himself hadn’t been the one to reveal his name—goes to sit by the edge of the roof. They aren’t insanely high up, and with his powers Neil would survive if he somehow fell off, but he still didn’t exactly like the idea of sitting on the edge of a roof with someone he barely knows and definitely cannot trust.
He gestures for Neil to hand over his ice cream, and Neil does. He sits next to him, careful to leave some space between them so it would be easy to escape if he has to.
“I told you that I’m not going to bite,” Andrew mumbles, shoveling a much too large spoonful of his ice cream into his mouth.
Neil lifts his mask just enough to be able to take a taste of his own. It isn’t bad, but it isn’t the best either.
“I don’t even know you,” Neil shoots back.
“Well. You know where I live. You met my cousin. You know my real name,” Andrew says, lifting a finger to count off each thing he lists.
“And do you?” Neil asks, ignoring the look Andrew gives him in response. “Want me to call you Andrew, that is.”
“I don’t care what you call me. As long as you don’t announce my identity to the masses, anything is fine.”
“Do a lot of people know?”
“Do you ever stop asking questions?” Andrew shoots back.
Neil shrugs, setting his cup aside. He knows he’ll regret not eating it all later on, but he can’t bring himself to do so. Andrew, who already finished his own ice cream, snatches it up, dipping his own spoon in.
“A shame to waste free ice cream on someone like you,” he says around the spoon. “You didn’t even get a good flavor.”
“It’s a good flavor to me.”
“No need to get defensive. It’s okay to have bad taste. Anyways.” Andrew pauses to eat the rest of the ice cream. “Let’s play a game. I’ll answer your question if you’ll tell me something about you in exchange. Truth for truth, if you will.”
Neil knows there is no way he can be fully truthful with Andrew, but maybe he can find some sort of balance between truths and lies that he can share with him. It was toeing a line that Neil has never before even considered crossing, but he finds himself not really minding it, at least not yet. Maybe he will freak out about it later and regret it.
“Don’t worry,” Andrew says, which definitely makes Neil worry. He isn’t going to back down from his decision, though. “I won’t ask you what your secret identity is or anything like that. Just because you know who I am does not mean you have to share it with me. It is your choice if and when you tell me.”
“Okay. What do you want to know?”
“Oh, I’ll think of something.” Neil doesn’t think he likes the sound of that. “Later, though. You asked if a lot of people know about me? Not really, but I also don’t know many people. There’s my cousin, my brother, Kevin, and some of the other Foxes. That’s about it.”
“You know the Foxes?” Neil asks. Maybe it’s silly for him to be surprised by this since he had just seen Deadpool helping them out, but he had been assuming it was a coincidence, the same way Neil had gotten involved.
Andrew is about to respond, but then a ringing sound comes from somewhere in his suit. He holds up a finger in a Just a minute gesture as he pulls his phone out from a pocket Neil hadn’t noticed before, flipping it open and answering the call.
“Kevin. I was just talking about you. Nothing good, of course,” Andrew says, voice slightly mocking.
Neil isn’t able to hear Kevin’s side of the conversation, but he’s able to piece enough together from Andrew’s, even with how little he contributes to it.
“Yes, he’s with me. We left together. No, he can’t talk right now. We’re busy getting to know each other. You can maybe have him tomorrow. Goodbye, Kevin.”
In a way, Andrew had covered for him. Neil is sure Kevin has been wondering why he had disappeared from the scene without stopping to talk to him or any of the other Foxes.
Andrew closes his phone, setting it aside. He turns to Neil. “Kevin was asking about you. He says you’re a hard man to reach.”
“So I heard.”
He continues talking as if he didn’t hear Neil at all. “I’m taking my turn now. Why were you in such a rush to leave when Riko arrived?”
Neil swallows and takes a moment to think over his response. He can’t give up too many details, but needs to give up just enough that his answer will satisfy Andrew. Some of the details aren’t easily digestible, either. He quickly decides to tell Andrew some of the reasoning for his reaction, but not everything and not anything thorough.
“I hate him. He and his uncle know who I am. Well, not exactly, but they conducted tests on me a couple years ago and probably still have my DNA. They’d be able to find out my identity if they wanted to. For all I know, they already have.”
“They conducted tests on you,” Andrew says slowly, but he doesn’t seem shaken by anything Neil has said so far. It’s probably for the best Neil chose not to mention the torturing part.
“Yes,” Neil answers. “They kept me for a few weeks. And after all of that, Riko tried to recruit me for the Ravens with Kevin’s help. He was not happy when I said no.” It isn’t the full story, not even half of it really, but it’s truthful enough that it hurts Neil a bit to say it.
Andrew slips a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket as well as a lighter. How he managed to fit both things in one of his suit pockets without it being noticeable considering how snugly his suit hugged his body, Neil doesn’t understand, but he doesn’t dwell on it for long.
He hasn’t smoked in a long while; he rarely has money to spare to buy a pack and it hasn’t been worth putting the effort into stealing them. He normally wastes most of each cigarette anyways, letting it burn to the filter without taking a drag. The acrid smoke that reminds him of his mother is all he has left of her now, but with his enhanced senses he can usually get enough of the scent throughout the day to satisfy and ground himself.
He only hesitates briefly when Andrew holds the carton out to him in offering, but Neil knows better than to turn down anything that is being given to him for free. Andrew leans closer to light Neil’s cigarette and then his own. He watches as Andrew raises the cigarette to his lips, notices the way the smoke curls out of his mouth and the glowing ember illuminates his face. He distantly registers that it’s getting late and he should probably leave soon, but for some reason he doesn’t really want to.
“They tried to recruit me, too,” Andrew says.
“But you turned them down.”
“Obviously. They needed me more than I’d ever need them.” It’s said in a way that makes Neil sure that Andrew isn’t being arrogant, he’s just stating a fact. “I’d rather be dead than join a team like that.”
Neil resists the urge to roll his eyes at this even though Andrew likely wouldn’t be able to tell. “But you didn’t join the Foxes either.”
“I’d rather be dead than join any team of heroes,” Andrew amends. “The Ravens just especially so.”
“Then why were you helping them earlier?”
“We have a deal,” Andrew says. “I help them with missions and other various things like this when Wymack asks. I go to Fox Tower whenever I feel like it. Otherwise they leave me alone. I’m left in peace, and my family is guaranteed to be safe.”
How Andrew is able to talk so openly about these things, Neil doesn’t know. There’s a quiet part of him that wonders if he will ever be able to do that. He’ll probably be dead before he even has a chance to get comfortable enough to trust someone that much.
Neil cups a hand around his forgotten cigarette to shield it from the breeze. “Kevin calling you to check where we are is you being left in peace?”
“That was more so him trying to reach you than me.” Andrew shrugs. “He does that sometimes. I think he believes that one day I’ll wake up and change my mind, decide to join the team.”
“Is your deal just with Wymack, or is it with the Foxes as a whole? Do you have some sort of other arrangement with Kevin?”
“You seem pretty fixated on this. Do you really want my full life story in extreme detail so soon after we met?” Andrew asks. “At least buy me dinner first.”
“Sorry,” Neil says, but he isn’t, not really.
“Don’t waste your breath on apologies. I don’t care. You owe me a few turns, though.”
“Sure.”
“It’s with the Foxes as a whole, but really with Wymack. Kevin and I have a different deal. I’ll stand between him and Riko if and when it’s necessary so long as he stays with the Foxes. If any of the Ravens come for him, they’ll have to face me first.”
“And what do you get out of it?” Neil asks. It feels like his brain is working in overdrive, trying to fully understand the details of Andrew and the way he refuses to join the Foxes but still aligns himself with them at times. Would Neil ever be able to make any sort of deal with Andrew or even with the Foxes? It isn’t like he’d have much he could give them in return if he did, and getting into an arrangement with anyone would mean Neil had become too comfortable for far too long. He couldn’t allow that.
“It’s like this.” Andrew throws his cigarette butt off the side of the roof. Neil’s gaze follows its trajectory, but Andrew snaps his fingers to get his attention back on him, a reminder that if he wants Andrew to answer these questions, he’d better be listening when he does. “Unfortunately, Kevin thinks I’m worth something and he won’t give up on me anytime soon. As a member of the Foxes, he can help keep people off my back as they crack down on vigilantes. My identity is safe with him and the team, and they won’t ever turn me over. And therefore my life is my own and my family is safe.”
“Your family seems to be a big priority for you.”
It isn’t a question, so Andrew doesn’t really give him an answer. He bares his teeth at Neil in something resembling a grin. “You can learn more about my family another time.”
Neil takes it as the warning it is, but that doesn’t deter him from continuing to bother the other man. He thinks it might be fun to poke Andrew’s buttons and see how much he’ll let Neil get away with.
“It’s your turn,” he says.
“I do not have to take it now.”
“Next time, then?” Neil asks. He’s partially joking, but there’s a part of him that wants the answer to be a yes so badly he aches.
“Yes,” Andrew says. “Now go away and leave me alone. I can tell you’re getting antsy and need to leave anyway.”
Neil obeys, copying the other man’s two fingered salute before he turns and swings away back to Queens. Being with Andrew and talking like that had made him feel like he isn’t so alone in the world and, as brief as it was, had made him forget how bad things were. He dreads returning to reality so soon, but knows there’s nothing he can do to change things, at least not right now.
That night, the aches and pains in his body don't seem so bad. For the first time in a long time, he actually has something to look forward to.
—
Over the next few weeks, Andrew joins him on patrol a few times a week. Neil enjoys the company more than he will ever admit. The night always ends the same way, with them sitting side by side on a rooftop somewhere in the city, sharing cigarettes and conversation and secrets in between. Neil has begun to associate the smell of cigarette smoke with Andrew and those periods of refuge he has when with him. There will probably always be a part of him that thinks of his mother when he first inhales, but at least the unpleasant memories are no longer all there is.
Neil comes to know more about Andrew than he ever expected to know about another person. He’s never known this much about anyone else, but Neil finds that he kind of likes it. He may not be able to be known by Andrew in the same way, but that doesn’t make it any less important or special.
He learns that Andrew really does love sweet things (he would eat them for every meal if he could, and is appalled that Neil doesn’t feel the same way), that he works at a tattoo parlor along with Renee, that he’s really good friends with Renee and they typically get together a few times a week outside of work, that he has an expensive car and an apartment with more things in it than Neil can ever imagine owning. He learns that Andrew used to live with his brother, until a few months ago when Aaron had moved into a place with his girlfriend Katelyn, who Andrew doesn’t seem to be a fan of. He learns a lot about Andrew’s powers, that his healing factor makes him nearly immortal and that Aaron has tried to study it to better understand how it works, but they haven’t figured it out yet. Andrew doesn’t seem to be too bothered by it; at least he has a handle on all his powers and knows how to keep them as strengths.
Neil hoards every facet of Andrew that is revealed to him, simultaneously grateful to their truths game for it providing an opportunity for him to learn so much and put off by the thought of it ending one day if he stops being able to return the favor and keep the other man’s interest.
Neil gives Andrew parts of the truth that he feels he can spare in exchange, and also comes up with stories that toe the line, enough of a lie that he can sleep at night but close enough to the truth that it makes his heart skip a beat to say it. It is still miles from Andrew knowing anything substantial or anything that could be dangerous, but he has somehow come to know enough of Neil to put all the broken pieces together. He was not only seeing Neil as a real person, but also making him into one.
It’s a rainy week when it happens. Neil is exhausted, even more so than usual since he hasn’t been able to get a good night's sleep in days with the weather as it is. He hasn't been able to run and work off his excess energy as easily either, hasn't even been able to find time to go to the Brooklyn Bridge like he normally does to recharge. Carrying around a miniature version of the bridge in his pocket that he stole from a souvenir shop a while back has helped ground him some and takes the edge off, but it's still not quite enough. He's worked a couple of opening and closing shifts that have allowed him to stay overnight at the coffee shop, but he was only able to successfully get a couple hours of quality sleep those nights.
His suit is damp and uncomfortable as there hasn’t been enough of a break in the rain for it to dry out. He doesn't have anywhere he can safely leave it while it dries, so it sits in his duffle bag, soaking the bag and everything else in it. He's lucky mold hasn't developed.
He hasn’t been able to easily patrol during the daytime on his days off, and it’s left him too much time to think about his circumstances and to stew over how alone he feels. He’s irritable and feels close to snapping, but he doesn’t tell Andrew to leave him alone. Maybe he knows deep down that if he does, he’ll be chasing away one of the only good things in his life and contributing even more to his loneliness.
Everything combined leads to Neil fighting sluggishly when they stop an armed robbery during their typical patrol time. He manages to disarm the robber pretty easily and web their hands together behind their back like handcuffs, but not before the robber lands a few solid hits to his face. The white hot pain is there and gone in a flash, but Neil knows by now to expect the bruising to last at least a few hours. It will be a miracle if his enhanced healing is ever fully restored to how it was when he first got his powers.
Andrew was busy dealing with the robber’s assistants while it happened, but now he turns to face them with what Neil is sure is a sharp glare. He moves towards the robber as if he’s going to maim him just a little for having hurt Neil, but when Neil shakes his head, Andrew listens and backs off. Normally Neil is fine with anyone who gets in their way getting hurt if necessary, especially someone like this man or a true villain, but today he’s just too tired for it.
By the time he and Andrew have settled on their chosen rooftop for the night, a dull ache has settled behind Neil’s eyes. He knows he should probably leave soon since he has an early morning shift the next day, but the thought of leaving Andrew behind and spending the next seven hours in a damp alleyway is so unappealing that it makes his headache even worse. It feels like his mask has shrunk slightly, even though Neil knows it hasn’t. The mask makes the bruises and cuts on his face throb, and he feels like it’s suffocating him.
He doesn’t let himself think first; all he knows in that moment is that he needs to breathe and raising his mask so that it no longer covers his mouth doesn’t seem like it’ll be enough for him to get the necessary fresh air. If he was around anyone else other than Andrew, he wouldn’t be doing this, but with Andrew, he feels comfortable in a way he hasn’t before, at least not for a long time. Comfortable enough to take it off and give himself some amount of comfort.
As Andrew pulls out a pack of cigarettes and some candy bar Neil doesn’t recognize from his pocket, Neil yanks off his mask. He sets it in the space between them and takes a deep breath. He doesn’t see Andrew go still since he refuses to make eye contact with him at first, but he senses it, and the other man’s gaze is burning.
The relief to his face is instant, and if for no reason other than that, Neil doesn’t regret doing it. He tries to sit still beside Andrew in silence, waiting for him to break it by saying something, anything, but he begins to feel unnerved as the minutes go by. How strange that silence, something he used to seek out and consider a sign he was as safe as he could be, has become something foreign, at least when it comes to his encounters with Andrew. It’s not that they talk the entire time that they’re together. In fact, neither of them are naturally inclined for small talk or pleasant conversation and they're both relatively quiet.
Andrew is the first person that Neil has willingly shown his face to since becoming Spider-Man, one step closer to knowing Neil’s entire identity. He’ll probably have to cut and run before there’s even a chance of him telling Andrew his name, but showing his face to him is significant for Neil. To be met with nothing but Andrew’s accessing gaze makes him nervous. He trusts Andrew, more than he should trust anyone else, but that doesn’t mean Andrew couldn’t somehow use this against him if he wanted to.
Deep down, he knows Andrew won’t. How he knows that, Neil isn’t sure, but so far his gut has been right when it comes to Andrew.
Neil steals the cigarette pack from Andrew’s unresisting fingers, and shakes out two cigarettes and the lighter. He manages to get both lit and passes one back to Andrew. He sets the pack between them on top of his mask.
“Different than what you expected?” Neil asks.
Andrew just shrugs, but when Neil finally makes eye contact with him, there is something in Andrew’s eyes. Neil doesn’t know exactly what, but he knows Andrew and the minute changes to his expression well enough now to know this is different from how he usually looks at Neil. They both know the weight of this moment.
He doesn’t have long to study the look in Andrew’s eyes before the other man moves to looking at the city skyline again. Neil takes a deep drag on his cigarette, letting the tobacco fill his lungs and settle him. Just as he’s taking another drag, he feels fingers touch his lower back, featherlight, there and gone before he even fully registers it or has a chance to react. His breath stutters in his chest.
One of Andrew’s hands rests behind himself casually so he can lean back comfortably, closer to Neil’s body than his own. Andrew’s face betrays nothing, carefully blank. Neil shakes his head to clear it of the fog, knowing he doesn’t have the time to be stuck on something as simple as a brief touch that was likely accidental.
“Some unexpected honesty from you,” Andrew says, surprising Neil. “Any particular reason you decided to do this today?”
Neil shakes his head even though he knows Andrew isn’t looking at him anymore. “Not really. Just more comfortable this way.”
“A liar who practices occasional honesty. Did it hurt a little?”
“No,” Neil grumbles, casting his gaze down and flicking ash off his cigarette. Andrew tosses his own cigarette aside.
"You are so interesting sometimes. How aggravating."
Neil doesn't know what to say, so he stays silent.
“Look at me,” Andrew says, and Neil does.
He waits for Andrew to speak, but instead Andrew reaches out towards Neil with one hand. Neil tenses at first as Andrew’s hand comes to rest on the nape of his neck, but relaxes soon after. This is different; Andrew has never done this before, but Neil finds he isn’t bothered by it. He lets Andrew pull his head closer to him and look and study his fill.
Neil himself can hardly stand his appearance, but at least his current circumstances make it so he doesn’t have many opportunities to look in a mirror. If it didn’t take so much to maintain, he’d have continued dyeing his hair so he could avoid ever seeing a flash of auburn again. Wearing colored contacts had become a habit for him while on the run with his mother, but he’d run out of them a few months into living on the streets. None of it mattered anymore, anyways.
He’s just glad he was able to shower earlier that day, so he probably looks half decent at the least.
“Okay,” Andrew says, giving him one final slow look before he lets go.
“That’s all?”
“Did you expect me to throw a party or something?” Andrew asks dryly.
That’s when Neil understands: Andrew knows this is a big deal, but he’s only going to act like it is if that’s what Neil wants him to do. Otherwise, he’s going to pocket this reveal and truth Neil has given him and keep it safe.
“I didn’t think so,” Andrew continues. “This is how the truth thing works, yes? It does not always have to be an even trade or done with a motive behind it. Or it can be a truth on credit, if you’d rather. Although you did volunteer this one.”
Neil hums. “I think I should get a few bonus turns.”
“Absolutely not.”
“One?” Neil asks.
“I hate you,” Andrew says, but there’s no heat behind it.
“That isn’t a no.”
“It isn’t a yes, either,” Andrew counters, pulling out another cigarette. Maybe he can sense that Neil is getting restless and is planning his escape because he says, “Stay.”
Neil listens. Right now, he is just a nameless face to Andrew, but he can’t help but wonder if it would be so bad for the other man to know who he was. So far, the other man has respected his boundaries and never pushed for more than Neil gave him. If he hasn’t used what Neil has told him so far, has only shouldered everything Neil has revealed to him and nodded in the truth of it, would it be so bad for him to know Neil’s name? Neil knows this is a dangerous path to allow his mind to travel on, so he suppresses the thought for the time being and focuses on the present and the man beside him instead.
—
Deadpool and Spider-Man, and Andrew and Neil become so enmeshed. There was the time before meeting Andrew, and there’s the time after meeting Andrew. It’s hard for Neil to imagine a time where Andrew won’t be in the picture, which both scares and thrills him. The two of them have become as close as two people can be when one of them has to keep the other at arms length.
Neil of course never uses Andrew’s name when they’re around civilians or on patrol or a mission, but in his mind he does use Deadpool and Andrew interchangeably when he thinks of the man. Andrew can’t do the same with Neil, though.
It doesn’t bother Neil, not exactly. He’s chosen to keep his identity secret for many reasons, one being that while there’s people out there that would recognize him, they all know him as Nathaniel Wesninski. Neil Josten is the name that he chose after his uncle died and he shed as much of his old life and self as possible.
It’s been a few months since Neil first took his mask off in front of Andrew, and he has been warring with himself about telling Andrew his name since then. Andrew has continued to chip away at his armor, getting Neil to open up bit by bit, but everything Neil shares with him is still carefully chosen. There is so much Andrew still doesn’t know, and can’t ever know, like that he’s living on the streets and how exactly Neil is connected to the Moriyamas, but maybe Neil giving Andrew his name is something he can allow himself.
They’re sitting side by side, a small amount of space between them. Neil watches as Andrew works his way through a pint of ice cream he stole from Sweeties. Andrew’s shoulder bumps against his a few times, but Neil doesn’t move away. The touch, while likely unintentional, sparks something in Neil and he steels himself to break the peaceful silence.
“My name is Neil,” he says, heart pounding. “Neil Josten.”
If Andrew is surprised, nothing shows on his face. Neil knows that Andrew schools his expressions so they appear neutral and don’t betray what he’s thinking or feeling. Right now, all Neil sees is a small crease between Andrew’s brows as he considers him.
“You say it like it’s a question.” Andrew’s voice is calm and like a balm to Neil’s nerves.
“I’ve never told anyone that name before”
“Can I trust it?” Andrew asks, which Neil reads to be him asking Can I trust you?, but he also knows that this push back from Andrew is just him poking Neil to see if he’ll give. If he tells Andrew to stop, he will, just as he would if Andrew told him to do so.
“It’s the name I chose for myself. But if you can’t trust ‘Neil’, trust me. You already do, don’t you?”
Andrew raises an eyebrow but he doesn’t deny it. Neil takes it as a sign to continue.
“You can call me Abram if you’d prefer. It’s my middle name. My mother used to use it sometimes, but no one alive knows it. Except for you,” the words scrape out of Neil’s throat, raw and honest. He needed to stop, but he couldn’t. “I don’t care what you call me. Neil, Abram, Spider-Man, or something else. It’s all real.”
“Neil Abram Josten.” Andrew sounds out each part of his name like he’s learning the shape of it. Neil lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. He likes the way this name sounds falling from Andrew’s lips.
“Maybe someday I’ll tell you my birth name,” Neil says, and he’s glad his voice doesn’t shake. He knows he’s not making any guarantees, but just thinking about his father and his birth name sets him more on edge than he was already feeling from confessing something so big. “I’m named after my father. I just—I can’t right now. Not today.”
Andrew reaches out slow enough Neil could stop him if he wanted to and presses two fingers to Neil's throat, checking his pulse. Neil knows it's beating much too fast, but he already feels himself relaxing, his shoulders slumping slightly, now that he's said what he wanted to get off his chest.
"Make a deal with me," Andrew says, and Neil is so shocked he almost jerks away. Andrew taps his fingers once, twice, three times before he removes them and retreats out of Neil's space. "We both know that you can't outrun Riko and whatever other demons are plaguing you forever. Are you so afraid to stand your ground and try staying in one place?"
"I've been in New York for years—".
"I didn't mean literally. You're barely surviving, but don't you want more? You've been looking over your shoulder ever since you told Riko no, and I'm guessing you were already on edge before that too. You push everyone away because you think that's your only option. But that's not true."
"I don't understand," Neil says, and he doesn't. He can't make sense of why Andrew would ever want to make a deal with someone like him. "You barely even know me."
"Do I? Or are you just unwilling to admit it to yourself?" Andrew asks. "I have given you a lot of secrets on credit, and you've given me some too as part of our game. Unless everything you have told me is lies, I know enough about you to make this deal with you."
Some of it has been lies that he convinced himself were necessary to keep Andrew safe, but Andrew didn't need to know that. Besides, Andrew is right that at least some of what he has shared is true, and Neil trusts the other man's judgment. He knows that Andrew is not a very trusting person, so he likely is aware that Neil hasn't been fully transparent anyways even among the cherry picked truths he has shared.
"Why?" Neil asks quietly. There is so much encompassed in that one question, but he has a feeling Andrew hears it all.
"Ask me later and I'll tell you."
Neil doesn't push. Instead, he asks, "And what will you get out of it?"
"Peace of mind," Andrew says dryly. When Neil raises an eyebrow, he continues. "I'll stand between you and the Moriyamas and anyone else who comes for you if you keep yourself alive."
"That doesn't seem like an even trade."
Andrew flicks his forehead lightly, ignoring Neil's quiet wince because he knows that it didn't actually hurt him that much and Neil is just being dramatic.
"It is not a trade. It is a deal. You told me once that Riko and Testuji have your DNA. Now that you've helped out the Foxes multiple times, do you think they're going to leave you alone? Even you are not stupid enough to believe that. No, they're going to connect the dots and realize exactly who you are if they haven't already. They will use it as leverage to get you to join the Ravens."
Neil's breathing quickens and his heartbeat stutters in his chest. "Then I have to run. I can't stay here."
"Have to nothing," Andrew says. "You are choosing not to believe there is an option here that allows you to stay. I am offering it to you. They can try to take you, but I won't let them. You will be safe and able to continue being Spider-Man and living your life."
Neil isn't foolish enough to believe that one man he hasn't known for very long can keep him safe from Riko, let alone from his father or one of his father's people. Neil knows it's only a matter of time until his father gets out of prison and that he won't survive a rematch with him.
"Running won't save you. It isn't an option anymore."
Neil distantly hears Andrew's words pierce through the roaring in his ears. He knows he is breathing too shallow and fast, but he can't do anything about it. Andrew may be right, but that doesn't make it any easier for his brain to accept.
"Neil," Andrew says, and it sounds like he's underwater, somewhere far away. Neil clenches his hands into fists, letting his fingers dig into his palms, needing the quick flash of pain to keep him tethered to this moment.
"Abram," Andrew says, and this time he breaks through to Neil. Neil can't bring himself to reply, but Andrew just asks, "Yes or no?"
"Yes," Neil mumbles, not trusting himself to say anything else right now.
Andrew's hand lands on the back of his neck and he pushes Neil's head down towards his knees. The weight of Andrew's touch grounds him more than Neil would have ever expected but he still can't quite catch his breath.
"You need to breathe," Andrew says lowly, thumb brushing lightly over the side of Neil's neck. Neil has to fight against the urge to shiver and he almost chokes on his next inhale.
"That's better. Just breathe with me. Match your breaths with mine."
Andrew gently takes one of Neil's hands and brings it towards his chest, briefly pausing as if to brace himself before he guides it to settle right over his heart. Neil raises his head enough to able to watch the rise and fall of Andrew's chest, doing his best to focus and do what Andrew told him to.
It takes a few minutes for Neil to calm down, and when he does, neither of them are in a rush to move apart. Andrew's touch on the nape of his neck lingers, and Neil doesn't remove his hand from Andrew's chest, deciding to take his cues from the other man. They're suspended in this moment, and Neil doesn't want it to end.
Eventually, Neil breaks the silence because he knows Andrew won't.
"The deal—what do I have to do?" he asks.
"Mainly what you're already doing. Keep yourself alive. Keep up your neighborhood superhero persona, but also make yourself enough of an asset that the Ravens won't be able to get rid of you. Team up with me and occasionally with the Foxes, too. You can train with them and get to know them."
"Do I have to?"
Neil is almost disappointed when his hand falls from Andrew's chest when the other vigilante shifts, his hand also leaving its place at Neil's neck. He watches as Andrew takes out a single cigarette and lights it. He reaches out without thinking and snatches it from between Andrew's fingers. For some reason, Andrew lets him keep it, shaking out another for himself.
"You do not have to tell them anything about yourself if you don't want to, but it would be beneficial to at least spend some time with them. You can practice hand to hand combat with everyone. It can be helpful to train with others like us, considering what the Foxes normally end up having to fight during their missions. It is not usually like our patrols."
Our patrols, Andrew says, and Neil once again finds himself thinking about how much has changed so fast. He nearly pinches himself to check that it isn't all a dream.
"I've helped them with missions before, Andrew."
"I know," Andrew replies, baring his teeth in something like a smile. "I was there, and I seem to recall saving your ass that day."
"I would've been fine on my own," Neil grumbles, and while it's probably true, they both know that he's just saying it to say it, not because he regrets that interaction and everything that has come from it. In no universe would Neil ever regret that.
Andrew just hums, and Neil watches him smoke his cigarette, only taking a couple of drags from his own and shielding it from the breeze.
"Okay," Neil says. "I'll do it."
Andrew moves closer to feel Neil's pulse again, two fingers pressing lightly to check. Neil knows his heart is probably beating faster than normal right now, but Andrew looks satisfied with what he finds.
"Remember this feeling," Andrew says. "This is the moment you stop being the rabbit."
This time, Andrew's touch doesn't linger, but Neil thinks he senses some hesitation when he pulls away.
"I'm glad we had this talk," Andrew says, even though his tone sounds uninterested. He takes a final long drag from his cigarette and flicks it off the roof. "I will come for you tomorrow, and you will meet me. Now get out of my sight."
Neil's own cigarette has burned down to the filter, so he just tosses it aside and slips his mask back on. He swings down to the ground and looks up, meeting Andrew's stare even through his mask. He isn't sure why he does it, but he plucks Andrew's cigarette off the ground and raises his mask enough he can stick it between his lips. The other man's gaze on him is unwavering, and he studies Neil closely. Neil can't read anything in his expression from this far away, but when Neil copies Andrew's mocking two fingered salute, Andrew flips him off before he disappears from sight. Neil barely keeps himself from laughing, feeling pleased even though he doesn't know why.
When Neil arrives at his alleyway for the night, he goes through his duffel bag and takes out his one remaining hoodie and an alien stuffed animal. The stuffed animal is old, having been gifted to him from his mom during one of their years on the run; she had always had a particular affinity for space, one that had bled over to Neil and followed them everywhere they went. The alien is missing an arm and is quite dirty, but it's the only remaining physical connection he has to his mother. He pulls the hoodie on over his suit to stave off the chill in the air. He pulls the hood up and curls up in a corner with the stuffed animal in his arms, making himself as comfortable as possible, which isn't saying much.
He can't help but think about Andrew and everything that has happened today. It's a lot to process and Neil knows it's selfish of him to want to stay so badly, but he can't regret any of it, especially making a deal with Andrew, when it seems like the other man also wants him to stay and would do almost anything to get Neil to do so.
Andrew has continued to allow Neil the opportunity to become more and more real over the recent months. Before any of this, ‘Neil’ had just been an identity to allow Neil to fly under the radar and to make ends meet so he could stay alive. As he’s gotten comfortable and has allowed himself to build this connection with Andrew, he finds that he wants to be Neil for as long as he can, would do almost anything to do so. He doesn’t want to lose Andrew or any of this ever if he can help it.
There's only one person in the world who knows him as Neil Abram Josten. The only part of this name Neil has chosen that his mother knew is Abram, and Andrew is already reshaping the meaning of it for him. His father has never known this name or any version of Neil since he and his mother ran. Telling Andrew had been completely on his own terms. Knowing that is almost more comforting to Neil than it is to know he’s now under Andrew’s protection.
Andrew had looked Neil right in the eyes after he showed his face to him and told him his name and accepted it immediately. He didn't know the weight Neil's name or appearance held, but he did know that they were considerable truths for Neil to share. He never pushed for more, and even though he understood both occassions were a big deal, he didn't make it any bigger than Neil himself had.
The ease that Andrew carries every time Neil opens up to him makes him just want to do it more, which is terrifying and exhilarating all at once to realize. He knows he can’t, knows that Andrew already knows too much, but just the thought of having someone in his corner, someone that seems like they’d be able to shoulder the weight of everything he shoves down deep and can never share because it’s too much and too dangerous, makes him tremble.
Neil holds up his shaky fingers where he can see them better and wonders at the equally weak flutter in his chest. So much is out of his control. He's sore and hungry, he doesn't know when or how he'll get his next meal and he's still sleeping in a fucking alley, but he feels hopeful for once that it will somehow be okay. Hope is a dangerous, disquieting thing, but he’s finding that he seems to like it.