Chapter Text
It was three in the morning by the time Ajax made it to Liyue Harbor, only distantly registering it was a new record of nine hours instead of eleven. The Narwhal was small enough not to need any towing into the docks by the tugs, but one of the little boats still came out to meet him so the few workers on board could direct him to the appropriate docking space.
Once there, he exited The Narwhal and closed her shut behind him, leaving his ceremonial coat inside and stashing the ship's key in his pocket, greeting the few Millelith and overnight wharf workers present at that hour.
"Harbinger Tartaglia," one of the soldiers breathed out, like he couldn't believe what he was seeing. Ajax tried to stand straight through the exhaustion. "Did- Did you not leave- Sunday? Yester- The day before yesterday?"
"Yeah. Well," Childe managed a shrug. "She's not the fastest ship in Snezhnaya for no reason."
He ignored their wide-eyed, dumbfounded stares as he walked past them, headed straight for the bank.
He was met with equally-shocked double takes from the few agents guarding the doors.
Ajax' brain had shut up entirely at around the fifth hour mark of powering The Narwhal on the way there, and it remained silent as he ambled into the apartment, feeling like he was piloting his body from the outside.
Try as he might, though, he got no sleep that night.
His mind might've been quiet, but the monster in his bones was restless.
They wanted to cage him.
They wanted to cage him.
Her Majesty, forever may she reign, had promised she'd protect-
("MASTER! OVER HERE! MASTER!!")
And she wanted to cage him?
Just so he wouldn't get hurt?
Wasn't that a bit extreme? Ajax could promise. He could promise he wouldn't get hurt, he could do his best, he could be more careful-
...
But he'd had orders, hadn't he? To return in one piece.
And he'd failed them.
So really, maybe it made sense that she wanted to keep him contained wherever she could see him.
And Ajax should agree with that. Should understand, should willingly give himself up, let her leash him as she ought to-
...but he didn't.
He didn't want to. This wasn't-
...Not like this.
Why were none of the others held to this same scrutiny? Scaramouche routinely came back missing limbs and so did Sandrone. Granted, they could be re-made, but-
What about Captiano? From what Ajax understood, the man was literally rotting alive.
Why was it such a huge deal that Ajax had messed up and gotten a big scar on his face? His eye still worked! He had several, even worse scars all over his body!
...Not that She knew of those.
But still. As far as- fucking up his well-being – how was a face scar worth such a reaction? Ajax had literal Abyssal miasma in his bones, wouldn't that be far more...?
...
Ah. But, hadn't she said...?
"It was already bad enough that he was contaminated by the Abyss-"
Right.
Maybe that made sense. Maybe-
...
Ajax could still remember, when the agents brought him before Her, recognizing the Abyss in him, reporting a growing threat for her to decide how to dispose of.
She'd seemed surprised. As surprised as her ever-frosty expression could be.
Ajax remembered getting the impression that she'd almost seemed angry. At the time, he'd tried to hold onto hope, that maybe she'd been angry they were treating him like that. That she'd been angry a literal teenager was being deemed a nation-level threat.
He did remember entertaining the thought briefly, when she hadn't actually admonished the agents for anything, that she might be angry at him. For- getting tangled with the Abyss, for using forbidden energies, for-
But she hadn't reprimanded him. She'd been strict and immediately ordered him to never overuse those powers, but-
It had seemed to him, back then (and even now), that she'd been moreso angry with the universe. Angry with fate, that Ajax had wound up in such a predicament.
At the time (and even now), Ajax had been grateful. She'd been the only one not to blame him, the only one to understand he hadn't wanted this, either; that he'd had no choice once he'd been down there. That it'd just been the universe being unjust, that it escaped his hands.
She'd been the only one angry on his behalf.
That had been enough for him. More than enough. It had only felt right after that to swear loyalty to her, to give himself into her cause.
His goddess, who understood his situation had been terrible and unjust, who had been angry against the world on his behalf when nobody else had – she'd sworn to protect all of Snezhnaya. To fight back against such injustice. To fight back against Fate.
Even if his monster had never remained calm around her: it never did around anyone but Master.
So it made sense, to Ajax, to bend the knee to her. Forever may she reign.
...
She had never actually spoken to him in any capacity about his Abyssal powers. After giving him the order to never overuse them, the topic had just- never come up again.
Ajax had thought that good. Thought it sense-making. What reason would they have, to speak of it? Ajax was no threat to her cause, and he'd been given his orders. It was just a part of him. He'd-
...He'd thought that's how she saw it, at least. Hence the order to not overuse his powers. She'd never told him not to use them, just- to be careful with them. To not kill himself using them, to not injure himself too much using them – after all, nobody wanted a broken blade.
He had to stay sharp and in top shape. It made sense.
It made sense.
She'd never stated her opinions on it.
He knew she disliked the Abyss Order. Everyone did.
He knew she thought the beasts of the Abyss in general were not welcome in Teyvat, but- well, everyone did. Ajax did, too.
He was different, after all. Yes, he was a beast as well, but- enough of him was still human, not to be grouped with them.
And since she'd never brought the topic up, he'd assumed...
...
Contaminated...
Contaminated, contaminated, she'd called him-
She- Well-
She wasn't- wrong, of course, but-
It was-
...
No, it was nothing. She wasn't wrong, anyway.
Ajax had just deluded himself into thinking her silence had meant acceptance.
Ajax was just an idiot.
Everyone that saw him out on the street when morning came was understandably as shocked as the Millelith and wharf workers had been last night. He spent most of his breakfast repeating how 'The Narwhal is Snezhnaya's fastest ship' to the growing crowd outside of Wanmin (he did not even go to eat at Wanmin, he'd actually just wanted a stick of Sharp Chen's tiger fish but Xiangling had found him and dragged him to ask him questions).
It was worryingly close to midday by the time he made it out of the city, feeling his face stiff and aching from all the confident smiles and easy grins he'd been dishing out to keep up with everyone.
It was later still by the time he reached Tianqui Valley, at least having had the soundness of mind to buy takeout lunch off of Xiangling as she'd been needling him. He encountered a handful of slimes and some whopperflowers, but they were easy enough to dispatch without making a mess of his food.
Ajax felt like a dented canister from elemental overexertion and lack of sleep for the past two days (the walk from Morepesok to Snezhnograd had taken the entire night, giving him no time to catch some shuteye before having to report to the palace). His feet carried him mostly on autopilot, treading familiar trails like he knew where he was going, like he should be doing any of this.
(He tried to walk straight. He was Childe, here, and despite having just shifted gears to being a helpless victim, Childe wasn't... someone others were supposed to see dead on his feet from something as basic and absurd as tiredness.)
The sight of the golden wall in the main ruined structure gave him a sense of relief that he tried to shake off.
His brain began functioning again, when he came to stand before it, making him stop before phasing through.
What was he even doing? He'd come out of habit, without really thinking about it. Should he even be here?
Fraternizing with a foreign Archon aside, when he'd last seen Rex Lapis some days ago, he'd just-
...
Dismissed his well-meaning warnings.
And fuck- the god had been right, hadn't he? He'd been right! Ajax still didn't- he didn't know-
...
He had to apologize, if nothing else.
"I must say, I had not expected you back so soon," the god's voice didn't startle him. Ajax looked up from his Liyue-style salute and his bow to find the ethereal visage crowned in cor lapis sitting atop the sculpture, like usual.
Ajax forced his eye back down, landing aimlessly on the takeout boxes on the altar table.
He should- kneel-
(Should he? He wasn't allowed to do that.
Not for another god. The only god he could kneel to was Her Majesty, forever may she reign-
...
The one he'd just fled from?
The one he'd just defied direct orders from? Orders to remain in Snezhnograd until further notice?)
Ajax lowered himself to the floor to both shut his thoughts up and stop standing there like an idiot. He put both knees on the stone, distantly remembering how it was done in Liyue, and set his forehead down on the floor.
"What are you doing," Rex Lapis' voice was sharp, startled, and Ajax heard shuffling on the sculpture. "You have done nothing wrong, there is no need for you to apologize."
Ajax opened his mouth. Closed it.
His throat wouldn't work, but then- what would he even say if it did?
A set of determined, quick footsteps made him look slightly up, finding the god had descended from the statue and was now kneeling down to-
He felt a thick breeze against his shoulder, akin to the sensation of phasing through the wall.
He looked up fully in confusion, finding Rex Lapis retracting his hand from where he'd likely attempted to pull him up from his position.
The god frowned down minutely at his own hand before directing strict amber eyes to him. "Give me a moment."
Ajax blinked, and Rex Lapis was gone, vanished in a small burst of golden light.
His monster coiled around his trachea, around his spine, itching to do something-
But before he could really react, there was another burst of light, and Rex Lapis-
Mister Zhongli returned, the god inhabiting his human vessel, wearing the fine clothes he was used to seeing during lunch on Fridays. His monster immediately slithered back into his bones, appeased.
"You need not kneel before me," Rex Lapis stated, quiet, grabbing him and urging him to stand. The actual physical touch managed to snap Ajax back into his five senses.
"No, I-" Childe managed out, jerking his shoulder free, rising with a stumble back from the sharp movement and his own exhaustion.
There was an earthen sound behind him, and the back of his knees hit a solid object, making him abruptly sit atop- one of those Geo stool constructs.
Mortified, Ajax slumped in his new place, setting his elbows on his knees and curling over to hide his face in his hands.
"Childe-"
"You were right," he managed out, hurrying to interrupt whatever the god had been about to say and feeling horrible for it. He swallowed. "You were right."
There was silence. Rex Lapis didn't move from his spot, but neither did he take his eyes off of him.
Ajax took in a much too unstable breath.
"I-" spied on, "overheard, Her Majesty, speaking to Pierro," he murmured, half a croak, his throat scratchy where he hadn't really had a proper glass of water since- maybe Sunday. "I didn't- really understand what they were talking about, but- She said-" he choked, forced out a laugh to push past it, then realized the absurdity of it all. "Why am I even telling you this...?"
He made to stand, forcing his legs not to betray him now.
"I'm sorry for the intrusion," he mumbled. "I'll take my-"
Rex Lapis grabbed his shoulder again, this time to stop him. Against his better judgment, Ajax turned to look at the god.
"What did she say?" the god demanded, expression oddly- intense, for what was usually a blank, undecipherable face. "Childe, what did you hear?"
Ajax-
Shouldn't tell him.
(Who else could he tell?)
He'd already made too many mistakes, he should be- crawling back to beg for forgiveness from Her Majesty, forever may she reign; should be-
Should want to do that. Should want to go back, should feel bad, should-
"She said she could not allow me to damage my body any further," Childe managed out, barely above a whisper. "She said- That it was already bad enough I was- contaminated, with the Abyss, that now that I'd nearly lost an eye she would-" he swallowed, looking down, a buzzing in his brain and his ears that made it hard to think. "She wouldn't risk me injuring myself further, so she said she'd- keep me in a cage, if need be."
In a cage, in a cage!
Like an animal!
("Hey- Hey! This isn't funny! Why is the door closed?!"
"Who are you?! Where is our Ajax?!"
"I am Ajax, Mom! Dad! It's me, I'm Ajax!"
"No- No! No you're not, you- you beast! Give us back our son! Release him!"
"Let me out, let me out! Master! Master!! MASTER!!")
"Rex Lapis- She promised," Ajax breathed out, hoarse, trying to fight off the phantom smell of damp air and sawdust, still water and concrete. He put a hand on the Geo construct, trying to steady himself. "She promised she'd protect Snezhnaya, protect us all. That's why- why I-" he swallowed. "But not like this. I didn't think she'd meant it like this, this is not- I didn't want-"
("What did I do wrong?! I just wanted- I was-"
"Stop pretending to be our son!!"
"I am your son! Yes, I've been gone for three months – but that's not enough to- Do you not remember me?!"
"Our Ajax went missing three days ago! Now let him go!! Please, what do you want from us?!")
"She doesn't- The others are never- The others know," he mumbled, incoherent, then a laugh pushed out of him. "The others all know, don't they? Pierro knows, Arlecchino apparently knows- They all know she- That I'm just- like an-" animal-
He sank down to the ground, slow, one hand over his eyepatch.
His eyepatch.
"You are to remain in Snezhnograd where I can see you until further notice, am I understood?"
("H...How did you get out-")
"What have I done?" he whispered, horrified. "I fled. I've- Rex Lapis, I've fled!"
Ajax felt like he couldn't breathe.
Even if he was a rabid animal, even if he didn't understand, even if-
He can't just leave! He'd taken vows, his life was not his own, he owed her his services-
If she took this as him- betraying the Fatui, abandoning his duties, defecting-
He'd never be allowed back in Snezhnaha.
He'd never be allowed to see his little siblings again.
("Tonia!! No, don't-!"
"Big bro'er! Bi' Bro'er!!"
"T-Tonia, he's not- H-He's not-"
"Look! Look, Tonia recognizes me! What can you guys not SEE?!)
Did he even know what was going on? He didn't! He didn't! He didn't know the context for that conversation, didn't know Her Majesty's actual plan, didn't know-
He didn't know-
A-And it was precisely because he didn't know that he shouldn't assume!!
What had he done?! What had he been thinking?!
"I need to go back," he realized, stupid, with a rock in his stomach. "I need to go back before they realize I-"
But had he not made a scene at the shipyard? By now, everyone must know-
He had to go back and apologize. Return of his on volition before they could drag him back, so he could bow down to Her Majesty and grovel at her feet, beg her to take pity on his lapse in judgment-
Beg her not to cage him for his transgression-
Ajax stood up, fast, desperate. The world spun around him and his eyesight came and went, dizzying.
His legs were betraying him before he knew what was happening, giving up on him as he made for the glowing wall-
"Childe," Rex Lapis easily caught him with one arm, his voice sounding like he was underwater, and Ajax tried not to grasp the arm to keep himself upright. It felt like it punched the air out of his lungs when it collided with his diaphragm. "I do not believe you are in any condition to leave."
"But I have to-" Ajax managed out, a heave, trying to get air back into his lungs but failing. "I have- h---have to-" he shucked in air. It hurt. "Why- I can't-"
He vaguely felt Rex Lapis shift where he stood beside him, facing him better, placing one hand on his back. "I need you to breathe."
Ajax shook his head no, his lungs screaming, the pain traveling up to his head. He clawed at the arm. "I- can't-"
"Breathe out," Rex Lapis commanded, steady. "Let all the air out."
Ajax did as he was told, dizzy, feeling his lungs contract and squeeze like a wet rag.
"Now, slowly, breathe in."
He breathed in. It went in shaking all the way down, but it filled his ribcage enough to clear a fraction of the static buzzing in his brain.
His knees were touching the ground before he knew it, slowly, his body awareness coming and going.
He breathed out. Breathed in. The steady presence of Geo in the air made his every heartbeat shake his bones and it was almost comforting.
"I have to go..." he managed out, weak, pathetic-
"You are exhausted," Rex Lapis' voice was a soothing balm next to him, solid. "You will only make it to the harbor before you collapse, ideally in your apartment. Is that what you want?"
It sounded like a genuine question. His apartment, above the bank, several flights of stairs between him and it.
His apartment. Where his monster would crawl out and hiss at every surface and keep him too alert of incoming danger from his mistakes to really let him fall asleep.
He gripped the arm still supporting him, trying to breathe, trying to get something coherent out.
There was a small, distant sigh next to him.
"Come here," Rex Lapis murmured.
Ajax' sight was all but gone, swimming, as the world spun around him yet again. He lifted off the ground, his head struggling not to drop limp as he was carried.
Rex Lapis might've said something else. Ajax didn't know.
His monster was quiet, and in that unnatural quietness, it understood there were no threats.
He fell asleep before he could stop himself.
"It's not a malign force, then."
"No. Not in the way someone with a knife is."
"But we cannot simply... allow it to encroach on our land, can we? Morax, you've seen what it does to the creatures, the way it twists them around, the way it... transforms them."
"Most creatures in Teyvat are simply not strong enough to withstand cosmic transmutation."
"What does that even mean."
"As I said, the Abyss is not an inherently malign force. Water is not an inherently toxic liquid, even if there are lifeforms that do not react positively to coming into contact with it. If you dump enough waste into the water to make it toxic for us all, does that make the water an inherently toxic liquid?"
"That's- I get what you mean, but it is toxic, now. Sadly it is. That's what I mean."
"And I am not contradicting you. The tragedies of this world have turned the waste receptacle so. Alas, this place, too, could not manage..."
"But is there nothing we can do? If most creatures on the land cannot withstand... whatever it does to them-"
"Transmutation."
"That. Then are we not all doomed?"
"Not necessarily. As you said, we've no choice but to keep it from encroaching on our land."
"I- So we agree, then? Sure, it's not supposed to be malign, but now that it is, we have to keep it at bay."
"Indeed, we agree."
"Good gods. You need to stop talking me in circles."
"I had thought you'd teach me how the people of the land talk, Haagentus."
"Call me Guizhong, damn it. It's particularly worse when it comes from you."
"I have told you, I am not a particular fan of 'Morax', either."
"If you'd tell me an actual name, I'd use it."
"...But I am willing to compromise."
"I will never let people tell me dragons were sacred creatures again."
"You, brat – what do you think you're doing?"
"Hey, wait- Look at that. That's-!"
"Oh Sweet Tsaritsa- Call the third squad! We have an Abyssal monster loose in the village! Hurry, before it kills anyone!!"
His head was still filled with static when he came to, feeling like his ears were stuffed with cotton. He squinted open his eyes only to wince and close the scarred one, keeping to only one type of sight. Above him was-
...That was the temple's ceiling. How many times was this going to happen to him?
He sat up, noting the arrangement of silks and blankets and quilts around him on the- right. The sculpture.
A teacup entered his sight. Ajax knew where the hand holding it would lead him to, but he didn't follow it. Couldn't get himself to, feeling shame holding his head down as he took the cup in silence.
He stared at the tea.
What was he even doing, at this point?
Why had he come all the way here?
Ajax knew he was reckless. Ajax knew he was an idiot. He knew thinking was not his forte. But-
...Really? What had he been thinking...?
...
Nothing. That was the problem.
He hadn't been thinking. He'd- he'd panicked, in his confusion, had let his feet carry him and his monster guide him and-
And now what?
Was there even anything he could do? It would take- nine hours at best, to get back to Snezhnograd. Not to mention he'd left- the day prior. By now everyone must've been made aware...
Her Majesty must know, now. The agents at the shipyard would've told someone.
He was a defector. Even if he hadn't- thought it through, even if he hadn't really realized at the time-
Going against a direct order from Her in such a manner was tantamount to sacrilege. State sacrilege. He couldn't-
There was no coming back from that one. Not like this.
His eye went to the floor. His monster was silent, but- He still felt the distant urge to hide somewhere. To curl up as tightly as possible and wait out the storm.
But he couldn't do that. He was Tartaglia, Childe – he had to stand straight. Hold his head high. Even if-
...
"Does Liyue have prisoner extradition to Snezhnaya?" he murmured, his voice coming out like sandpaper, but he made no move to drink from the cup.
"Only for agreed-on crimes," Rex Lapis replied where he most likely sat to his side (his right side), even and steady. It shouldn't have helped.
"Is state sacrilege an agreed-on crime?"
"It depends on the specifics."
"Failure to abide by orders?" he tried, running through what little he knew of these things. "Contempt of authority? Suspected attempted defection?"
"The Fairness and Justice Council would examine the case," the god provided. "Then make a verdict depending on the circumstances."
"The circumstances of?"
"What orders were ignored," the god hummed. "What series of events led to the defection."
Right. But-
Nobody would know. Ideally not even Her Majesty. Nobody knew Ajax had- spied on them.
From Her perspective, she'd admonished him for failing to follow his orders to the letter and then told him to remain at hand so he could be observed because he'd failed to follow his orders to the letter. She was being perfectly reasonable. It made sense, it was a decision even Ajax would agree to.
Nobody knew-
"You will not be extradited to Snezhnaya if they come asking for you," Rex Lapis simply said, like a fact, at ease. Ajax breathed in and tried not to hunch over, lowering his head further, his throat trembling.
"Nobody knows why I fled," he pointed out, barely above a whisper.
"I do," the god said. "And I, as Zhongli, happen to be a stand-by member of the council."
What.
Ajax turned to look at the god, caught wholly off guard, baffled. "I thought you had left the affairs of the humans to the Qixing."
"And I have told you, I have a pervasive sense of justice," the god had the gall to shrug, staring ahead at the golden wall instead of at him. Ajax was both relieved to not have those eyes on him, and- being stupid.
He forced his eye back to the floor.
So they wouldn't force him back, so what. It took four days for the fastest Fatui vessel that wasn't The Narwhal to make the voyage from Snezhnaya to Liyue. At the earliest, they would send someone-
If they even sent anyone. If they even knew where he'd-
...But She knew, didn't she? He hadn't fooled her. She'd known immediately that his left eye had been made by Rex Lapis, had recognized Ajax had been faltering in his loyalty, had known-
Had known he'd...
"...Is idolatry an agreed-on crime?" he whispered.
There was silence for a beat, and then he felt the god's eyes on him.
"...Idolatry?" Rex Lapis seemed to breathe out. Ajax dared look at him from the corner of his eye, finding perplexed amber eyes on him. Like- wholly flabbergasted. But-
...Not disgusted. Not scandalized.
Ajax took in a quick, quiet breath, trying to straighten up, to not be so pathetic- "I accepted a boon from you," Childe reminded him. "I'm not supposed to do that. My loyalty must be exclusive to Her Majesty the Tsaritsa, forever may she reign."
There was silence again, the god's expression inscrutable.
It took Ajax a moment to realize his words implied his loyalty was not exclusive to Her Majesty, because it was-
"I am no longer the Geo Archon," Rex Lapis said, amber eyes fixed on him, as though still-
"You are still Rex Lapis," Childe countered.
Amber eyes went to the golden wall after a beat, distant.
"That I am," the god murmured. "That I was. That I always will be, will I not?"
Ajax' throat worked. "Do you not... want to be?"
Something in the back of his head began to sting. And all this time, Ajax had been calling him-
"I wish names would not matter as much as they do, here," the god said, contemplative, something like a restrained sigh in the tone of his voice, eyes still far away. "I suppose the upside to how things are now is that I can be Rex Lapis and Zhongli interchangeably."
And Morax? Ajax didn't ask. Didn't dare to.
Rex Lapis seemed to force himself back to the present, amber eyes returning to him with something like a smile.
"Idolatry is not an agreed-on crime," he provided.
"Oh," Ajax blinked, like snapped from a trance. "That's- T-That's good, but-"
But what?
"That does not actually solve your problem, does it," Rex Lapis hummed, quiet, in a... gentle, understanding sort of way, looking at him from the corner of his eyes and bringing his teacup up to drink from it. Ajax didn't track the movement, didn't track the way those lips settled against the porcelain.
But he was right. That didn't actually solve his problem. If need be, Ajax could just- keep running. Keep hiding. If that was what he wanted, he could.
The problem was that he didn't know what he wanted.
He didn't know...
He returned his eye to his cup, untouched, no longer steaming.
What now?
The embarrassed blush that colored Childe's cheeks when he was reminded there was food to be eaten (that he himself had brought just earlier) continued to be an endlessly endearing sight, and he continued to try and not indulge in it.
(Entertaining these thoughts was fine, but there was a clear line in the sand he ought never loose sight of.)
Either way, reheating the food was no issue between the two of them. Childe did not seem to find his own ability to bring water to a boil to be anything out of the ordinary, and maybe that shouldn't have been such a surprise. It was not an implausible skill, he could concede to that, but still – it was more often seen from Pyro users, or even particularly-skilled Cryo users. Hydro users, for reasons that admittedly still perplexed him somewhat, seemed largely incapable of manipulating water on a molecular level despite being able to move the actual substance to their will.
Not Childe, apparently. Distantly, he had to wonder if the man was aware this would potentially allow him to control Cryo with some more experimenting. Given the circumstances, it didn't seem like a sensible thing to point out.
Childe, unsurprisingly, seemed absorbed by his own thoughts. His expression remained blank and pensive as they ate, his chopstick hold still clumsy but serviceable.
The slump in his shoulders spoke of a sense of defeat the man was not used to experiencing. The one visible eye appeared tired, exhausted – he had to wonder if he had caught any proper sleep the night prior. It did not seem likely.
'Keep him in a cage,' he'd said. To prevent further damage from befalling his body.
His body, already 'contaminated' with the Abyss – contaminated like an object, like an item,
Not 'transmuted,' which was what he could tell was the actual situation. A successful transmutation, one even he had seldom seen around these parts.
If She wanted to insist that was an object, she was painfully blind to the treasure she'd stumbled across. The improbability of this outcome was like finding a water pocket inside an igneous crystal, and yet...
(Human and beast in one, a precarious harmony, a mantle of Fate.
Saddled with someone's history cut short to ensure one's own wouldn't be.
If only all of them could achieve such perfection.
If only all of them could carry burdens with such grace. With heads held high and a heart that could still give out love in bounds.
None of them would be in this conundrum if they could.)
Then again, this was not surprising.
Ultimately, 'contamination' was a subjective term. For her purposes, perhaps the object was indeed contaminated, twisted,
...not ruined, given she insisted on caging him, but still.
(Caging him. Like an animal. Like a tool.
"You may look down upon the realm from here, but you may never leave.")
This was only further evidence to his growing concern.
He had always wondered...
Why, eight years ago? Why then? Why not earlier, why not at any other point before or after? What had she been waiting for?
He did not want to assume. Good things never came from rushing headlong into difficult matters with only a hunch as his excuse.
But it troubled him, still. Had troubled him, back then. Enough to decide he could not take his chances, could not risk this possibly causing enough ripples to reveal his hiding spot under the water.
So he retreated further. She announced the establishment of her Harbinger core to the world and he announced his retirement to the Adepti and the Qixing. Gave them a month to sort things out, to think of an excuse – it was not so painfully last-second, mind you, he had begun running the idea by them two years prior when they first got word of a new rank of Fatui agent having been appointed in secret.
A month after her announcement, then, he 'left.' Hid further into the mountains, began the creation of a human vessel to visit the harbor with,
And then waited.
And waited.
And she never came. He heard of no attempts on Liyue, no attempts on the other nations,
She was not seeking out the Gnoses immediately.
Why?
Why establish a higher rank in her already high-rank military force only to not deploy them in the only mission he had ever known she'd really wish to carry out?
Celestia could always wait. It wasn't like they were currently around to cause trouble, anyway. There was no need to rush.
It took her two years to assemble her Harbinger core, and then-
Seemingly did nothing with it.
He remained alert. He tried to tell himself his hunch had been wrong, but could not shake the feeling that something was going to happen regardless. Perhaps it had been the sunk cost fallacy talking at the time, but in the end,
There he'd been.
A Harbinger in Liyue, possibly two, looking for the Gnosis. Word of another, in Mondstadt.
She'd started the gathering. He didn't want to believe it.
Didn't want to believe the ocean-depths eyes in his temple. Didn't want to believe the way the air moved around the Eleventh as he walked, all-too-familiar yet all-too-foreign all the same.
Didn't want to believe it when it turned out the Eleventh had been the last appointed because they'd delayed the establishment to wait for him.
(Didn't want to later believe the sight of another being from outside the world, completely unrelated, like Fate had decided to move on.)
It couldn't be.
He was twenty-six. He was too young. It couldn't be.
But then, he hadn't actually ever gotten to meet-
He could've been twenty-six, too. Close enough to where She'd grown tired of waiting.
Grown paranoid of Childe accruing more scars, further contaminating his body.
Still, he did not want to believe it. Fate could not be this cruel. Could not be this cruel to Childe, could not be this cruel to him.
(Had it not been enough?
Six thousand years of a star that did not warm his skin and enough corpses behind him to blot out its light would drive even the Heavens mad – and they wanted him to bear yet another burden?)
Having Childe stumble upon his temple when nobody had managed to track it down after it had faded out of common memory. Having Childe return time and time again, bearing gifts and trinkets and stories and company,
(Having Childe look at him with complete focus, having Childe go to him for shelter despite being so strong, having Childe treat him like his own person despite his claims of- idolatry,)
Was Fate trying to tempt him? Trying to goad him on?
Do you not see what she is doing? Do you not understand?
Do you not want to risk it? Agree with her? Fight her for the chance to then do the same?
Reveal yourself?
It was almost insulting.
He had always understood. It was precisely because he'd always understood that he'd always disapproved.
Why he'd wanted to believe she wouldn't actually do it. Wouldn't actually commit so grave a mistake.
Wouldn't actually sink so close to them.
Childe had a family. Childe had siblings, at least one of which he seemed to treat as his whole reason for living.
Was family not sacred in Snezhnaya?
Was she not the biggest proponent of this? Was it not with blood and tears that she had declared it so, back when she could still bleed and cry?
And she would break this family apart? Take that child's older brother away, the brother he seemed to stare at like he wanted to see that on his mirror in a decade?
Childe had mentioned a younger sister in passing. Had mentioned her with eyes of a father mentioning their child.
Was that not important to Her?
Had she not claimed it so?
It was the height of hypocrisy, for him especially, to accuse others of being selfish,
But breaking a family apart to remake your own was a level he had yet to stoop down to.
If this was really the path she wanted to walk, he feared he would be unable to let her do so.
Even if it would risk everything he'd worked for up until now.