Chapter Text
- May 31st, 1990.
My hand is finally healed enough to be able to grip a pen. And my head is healed enough to articulate the mess of my thoughts.
I still don't know what to write. There's nothing to write. I don't want to talk about it.
I miss El. I miss her a lot. But Will is here with me. And I feel like I'm okay when he's around me. I don't know how he does it, but he does it.
I thought the "7 minutes of best memories after death" thing was a hoax. Just something people made up to find comfort in the unknown discomfort of death.
But I died that night. I hit the water, it hurt for a moment, and I died. I know I did because I saw it too.
5 minutes of those 7, I saw Will.
Maybe a little more than 5. I don't know. But it gave me peace remembering him then. The pain felt nothing.
Maybe that was the same thing that brought me back. Will. I don't know.
I knew one thing then. I never wanted to push him away. I wanted to be with him. I missed him so much. But it was too late, I'm always too late. And if he comes close now, sees how broken and disgusting I am, how confusing this is, he'll leave. He tries to understand me, and I push him away and hurt him. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to go away. I don't understand myself.
I hope Will stays. I don't know anything else. This is okay.
-
Mike sighed, keeping the pen down and sat back. His brain felt a little foggy, staring up at the ceiling.
31st May.. Jane's birthday was in a week.
Mike felt his breath get caught in his throat.
He should've never built that bomb. It killed her. He killed her.
He should've been more brave. Ran to her and saved her life.
Will said he was the heart. But all he really was was a coward, wasn't he? He couldn't even save Jane.
He should've done something. She saved his life at the quarry, and he just let her die?
Maybe she shouldn't have saved him.
If she hadn't, he would've never treated her so terribly.
He would've never treated Will like he was diseased. He wouldn't have ignored Will when he cried in the van, he wouldn't have sat there wondering what was wrong with him, what he had done for Will to think that the coward, wimpy Mike Wheeler was the bravest boy ever.
This would've never gotten this far.
Jane wouldn't have died.
It should've been him.
Mike sat up and forward in his chair, holding his head in his hands, palms pressed against his ears trying to block out his thoughts.
Everything was crashing on him all of a sudden. Why now? Why, after he thought that he was finally getting better? It left a pit in his stomach, bitter and hollow.
No. He was being unreasonable.
"Stupid," Mike mumbled, opening the drawer to push the pen and journal in- his hand brushing against something matted. He tilted his head, gaze meeting the orange bottle of pills he'd hidden there god knew when. "Just in case I change my mind," he'd thought back then, "just incase I need a way out quickly."
Mike breathed, reaching in and pulling it out. He stared at it for a moment.
All it would take was 5 minutes. Washing down all the pills with orange juice, going to bed like he was just going to sleep-
Mike shook his head, shoving it back in the drawer and just slammed it shut.
-
"Are you okay?" Will asked softly.
They'd both came to the hill after having milkshakes down the road. Will convinced him to step outside the house, saying he'd feel better. And Mike did feel better. The wind felt nice, the sky was beautiful. But the prettiest there was Will. How he'd insisted Mike just sit behind him on the bike, told Mike to leave everything else to him. How he'd steered the bike so smoothly, just the way he'd steered Mike's lost and pained soul so gently to feel like he really did deserve to live. Will just made everything feel okay.
And in the end, Mike knew Will would leave. Go back to New York, where he had a life, unlike Mike, who chose to drown himself in the pain, never moving on.
Pain was too comfortable to him. Anything else was too scary.
He was leeching off of Will. And when he'd leave, Mike was going to be alone again. And he'd just fall back into his bad habits.
"The sun looks pretty." Mike replied after a while, the wind threading through his hair gently.
It'd felt the same way, when he stood at the edge of the Settler Quarry, moments before choosing to let go of himself. The wind had been so soft that day, brushing against his face so lovingly, cradling his jaw. Like a promise that it'd carry Mike all the way down gently, a promise that after his body became one with the water, he'd fall into a deep, calm sleep.
It was a lie. The wind lied. Because instead of the sleep he was promised, he just woke up in a nightmare.
Will nodded, the sun warm on his face, casting soft orange glow on his dewy skin. He sighed, leaning over till his head found refuge on Mike's shoulder.
Mike tensed slightly, looking down at the boy.
"I'm glad you're here." Will whispered.
Mike's brows twitched. Was this how people acted with fleeting crushes? Was this how people acted with best friends? Their Tammy?
"Me too."
But was he, really? Was he glad? It was just by pure dumb luck that he survived, the way it was pure dumb luck that he bumped into El in the forest.
They were never meant to meet. He was never meant to survive.
-
(6th June, 1990)
"Hello Mrs. Wheeler.." Will sighed as he stepped into the house.
"Hello sweetheart," Karen hummed, going to the kitchen where she'd left the microwave on. "Is the weather too bad outside?"
"Seems like its going to rain heavily-" Will took his backpack off. "Where's Mike?"
"Upstairs, he's still sleeping." Karen told him softly, concern laced in her voice.
"Sleeping?" Will blinked. "It's- 1 pm. He's usually up by now-"
"I tried waking him up. He said he didn't want to and told me to leave him alone." Karen sighed. "Can you go check on him please? He's not had breakfast either."
"O..okay yeah. Don't worry, I got this." Will assured her, before going up the stairs to Mike's room, knocking on the door. "Mike?"
No response.
"Mike, it's me. Will." He called, hand going to the doorknob. He twisted it gently, soundlessly, finding it unlocked. "I'm coming in," he announced, shoving the door open slowly.
Sure enough, Mike was in bed. On his side, blanket pulled up. Will went in and closer to find Mike's eyes half open, dark and hollow, staring at nothing.
"Not feeling well?" Will asked softly, sitting at the edge of his bed. "Wanna talk about it?"
There's silence for a while. Like it's too much effort for Mike to even articulate the reply.
"No." He finally answered, so quiet you'd almost miss it.
"Okay." Will nodded. "Mrs Wheeler said you haven't eaten.. I'll bring breakfast upstairs, let's eat toget-"
"Go away, Will."
Will froze. Mike sounded so far away. So distant, like Will was a stranger.
He heard Will gulp. Because Will, being the painfully kind boy he was, just composed himself. "Okay.." Will said, "I'll just.. come back later-"
"No. Just- go back home, Will. I'm fine." Mike retorted, shifting beneath the covers before he slowly lifted himself up and out of the mattress like he was trying to prove his point.
Will was just stunned. "Mike-.. are you okay?- you know you can talk to me if something's wrong-"
"Everything's fine, Will! Nothing is wrong! God- does everything I do have to have a reason?!" Mike huffed, annoyed as he got up from bed. Will just stood there, not understanding what was happening.
"I'm telling you, Will I'm fine. I'm fine! You don't just have to just throw everything away and come here every day to check on me. I'm not gonna fall apart if you're not here, okay? I've lived before. I'll be fine so you can stop that. I feel- like I'm being monitored and suffocated."
Will was so confused. And almost hurt- so much that Mike could see it on his face. He looked so wounded, it made Mike sick, made him want to cry. He wanted to apologise- But he just stared at Will instead, eyes blank and hollow, lips a tight line in a way that was unfamiliar to Will. It was unfamiliar to Mike too, really.
"S- suffocated?-" Will stammered, mouth moving wordlessly for a moment. "I'm sorry I- I thought you liked..having me over."
'I do.'
"Not like this!" Mike spoke before he even gave it a proper thought. "Not like this- like, like it's some obligation you have to follow! As if you don't show up one day I'm gonna wind up dead somehow!"
"Mike-?!" Will gasped, almost in terror. "That's not-"
"I'm not fragile. I'm not! But still you keep coming here like it's gonna fix me and make things better and you pretend like you understand what I'm feeling- but you don't!"
Silence.
"Wh...what are you-"
"Yeah." Mike hissed, pained venom in his tone. "That's the truth. You don't know what it's like, Will. You don't understand what I'm feeling. You don't know what it's like to lose someone like that! To have everything just- just get destroyed like that- so don't do that. Don't pretend like you understand because you h-"
"Yes I do!!" Will screamed, cutting through Mike's ranting. He screamed in Mike's face- hard enough for Mike to get startled and shut up.
Thunder rolled outside, muffled by clouds.
Will had screamed at Mike like that only once in his life, during the summer of 85. That time when Will had wanted to play D&D, Lucas and Mike riled him up and messed around too much and hurt him.
The time Mike told Will it wasn't his fault Will didn't like girls.
"I do understand, Mike!" Will repeated-
"She was my sister too!!"
Mike flinched a little, his rigid expression immediately cracking. He fucked up, the realisation came quickly. Jane was Will's sister..they knew each other more than Mike knew her, he knew that and suddenly realised that newly, like a brick hitting his head. God, he was so stupid. So selfish.
"..Will I'm-"
"No- no, no." Will interrupted harshly. He was hurt and he couldn't pretend anymore. "This is all bullshit. It's bullshit. You don't want to let me in, fine. You don't have to if you don't want to. But I- I genuinely care about you, Mike. Do you think I'm stupid to just abandon everything and run to you? Do you think all of this is just a facade? Is that how you know me, Mike?"
He looked so angry and hurt, it made Mike sick. He fucked up. So badly, like he did every time.
"You think I'm oblivious to how bad it is for you? Am I coming here for fun- like, like it's some experiment I'm running?! I'm scared, Mike!!
I'm fucking scared- I'm scared of losing you, too! I can't go through it again- I can't lose another person I love!!"
Mike just stared at Will. He wanted Mike around? That shell of a person he'd become, the person in the mirror Mike couldn't recognise anymore.. he was scared to lose that Mike?
Mike took a breath to speak, hitching but Will just sniffled, tears in his eyes. Some had already made their way down his rosy cheeks, leaving shiny trails.
Mike hurt him. Again. He really couldn't do a single thing right, could he?
"You don't want me here? I'll go. I'm sorry- for whatever I did that made you feel suffocated." Will choked out, turning around and threw the door open, storming out.
Mike moved from there too late- by the time he stepped ahead the door had slammed shut, footsteps fading away in the distance.
And Mike stood alone in his room- suffocating blue walls, covered in photos of Will. Everything was closing in on him, his breathing growing erratic. He did it again. He said shit he didn't mean, he hurt Will, pushed him away. He acted like the asshole he really was, he hurt someone who was just trying to help. His best friend, who had always been by his side, loved him once, seemingly gotten over it because he thought Mike wasn't like him.
But Mike was scared to face that version of himself. The real him, who was like he was 12 again, always wanting to protect Will, always wanting to be by his side. The 12 year old him who, instead of Jane, had imagined kissing a brown haired, green eyed boy who was his best friend. Someone he'd promised to go crazy with. Because, in his own words, love makes people go crazy.
And in the end Mike was a coward. Mike the Brave? Who the fuck was that? It hurt him knowing he was nothing like how Will saw him. Despite everything Will saw the best in him. And Mike didn't deserve that.
He didn't deserve Will's reverence, didn't deserve Jane's love, didn't deserve anyone's help.
He survived by chance. He wasn't supposed to. It was just-
"Stupid- stupid, stupid stupid," Mike breathed hard and shaky, going over to his desk and threw the drawer open, haphazardly picking up the stack of letters and threw them down on the ground, reaching in and fishing out the pill bottle. Mike stared at it as the pills rattled against the hard plastic. He just had to down them with water and.. the job would be done. So he went around his bed and grabbed the water bottle, opening the cap and opened the pill container too.
This was the right choice. He'd stop hurting people, finally. And everyone would feel less burdened. Especially Will.. Will deserved so much more that what Mike was.
He survived the quarry twice. Third time's the charm. It had to work- it'd just be shameful if he lived through this too.
Mike took a deeper breath, hands shaking as he emptied the container on his desk. He'd down them in batches, handfuls at once, so he grabbed the first handful and lifted it up to drop them in his mouth-
When his gaze drifted down to a letter in the drawer, at the bottom. One he hadn't read in too long, for whatever reason.
Mike paused, brows furrowing a little as his eyes scanned the words he could read.
"Dear Mike.
Today is day 185..."