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Jun was heartbroken. There was no other way or word that would describe how he felt better. He was heartbroken. His heart had been shattered. And honestly he should have seen it coming. Should have prepared himself for it.
Because it was no surprise that Po chose Thame. Hell it was never a competition to begin with. Po had always had eyes for only Thame. Jun had simply inserted himself into an equation where he wasn't ever a variable. Where his presence created an imbalance. An imbalance that almost cost him his best friend.
He was happy for them. Truly. No one deserved love and happiness more then Thame did. And who better then gentle and caring Po to provide that for him. It was no surprise that Thame & Po had officialise their relationship. And while they had not gone public just yet it didn't stop their public displays of affection.
Which is exactly the predicament that Jun is in right now. He was happy for them. Truly. But did they really have to shove their love in everyone faces? Couldn't they tell that Jun was suffering from a broken heart. (they couldn't because lying liar Jun said he didn't have feelings for Po. And Thame took his word for it. So really who was to be blamed here)
Having had just about enough of ThamePo for one day, Jun stood up abruptly and made up some excuse of needing to rest. Which was believable enough since they had all been working hard towards their new comeback.
Now that they were no longer under Oner, the pressure was on them to release music on their own. And oh what a pressure it was. From the lyrics to the MV it was up to them to do as they saw fit. It was freeing but scary at the same time. There were constant disagreements, long meetings over dinner, plans that failed and Mars's bond was constantly being tested. But they loved it and wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
Jun especially was thankful for the work. It served as a great distraction from his feelings. If he was busy with work he couldn't possibly think about a certain film maker and his bestfriend being in love. (Easier said then done)
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In the comfort of his bedroom four walls, Jun finally let his guard down. He felt like he was living hell on earth. He must have truly pissed someone off in his past life to be stuck in his current situation. He laid on his bed staring off into his ceiling, his thoughts (insecurities) taking over.
It wasn't easy admitting his feelings for Po. It went against his very nature to even accept that he liked Po and wanted something more then just a fling with him. Of course the first person he fell for like really truly fell for just happened to be in love with his best friend. God he was so stupid.
Was he not good enough? Was there something fundamentally wrong with him that he was always a back up choice? Back up singer, back up dancer, back up boyfriend. God he was so tired. So tired of being 2nd place in everything.
He wondered sometimes what it would feel like to be someone's first choice. For someone to always pick him in any situation. He muses that it must be nice. Feeling loved. Feeling chosen. Being number one.
He wondered if he would get to feel that way. Maybe just once. Just to know what it felt like. What he was missing.
He thoughts continued to spiral from there. Going down a darker path the longer he thought about it. A new branch of insecurities growing with every second. He thought and he thought and he thought until eventually sleep took over.
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Jun woke up with a startle. A bad dream. Those had started to become a normal for him. He turned to look at the clock and saw it was around 3am. He felt his stomach grumbled and realised he skipped dinner. With a heavy sigh he got up and made his way to the kitchen.
It was no surprise to Jun that there was already another presence in the kitchen when he got there. He knew who it was before he even saw them. If he thought his sleep schedule was bad, Dylan's was worse.
This was a common occurrence for them. To find each other in the kitchen at odd hours of the night. Dylan had probably just finish a song and realised that he was in fact human and needed food to survive.
"You look like shit", Dylan said.
"Hello to you too Dylan. I'm good thank you for asking. How are you?"
Jun wasn't looking at him, but he knew Dylan was probably rolling his eyes. (It made him smile a little)
He could hear Dylan sigh. Like he knew where this conversation was about to go and was trying to prepare for it.
"Bad dream?"
"Hmm"
"Wanna talk about it?"
"The same as every other night"
This wasn't the first time they were having this conversation. It had been an ongoing one ever since ThamePo officially together. Around the same time that Jun and Dylan nightly run-ins had started.
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Under the broad daylight, JunDylan were constantly at each other throats. It had always been like that since day 1. They would bicker over any and everything. They were harmless, pointless even but it was their thing. Their way of staying connected to each other. It amused the other members most days. Nano constantly saying how it seemed more like they were flirting then fighting. They refuted that of course but there were days when the bickering would get heated and Jun didn't know if he wanted to hit Dylan until he was knocked out or kiss him into silence. (But those were his inner thoughts and they didn’t mean anything. According to Jun at least.)
JunDylan in the day were like the heat of the sun. Bright, loud and always in everyone's faces. But under the cover of darkness, away from prying eyes, in a world where only both of them existed, JunDylan reeked of cool and calmness.
It started unintentional. Jun had decided he would allow himself one day to cry about it. To feel every single pain and think every single thought. Just one day where he would let go of his emotional constipation and feel. Truly and fiercely feel.
So he locked himself in his room and cried. He cried about everything from the band to his love life (or lack thereof). He cried and cried and cried and without realising it he had been crying the entire day.
It started similar like today. Jun had heard his stomach rumble and decided to get food from the kitchen. He didn't bother washing his face. He didn't think anyone else would be awake to question his puffy red eyes. Well he was gravely mistaken.
Dylan was in the kitchen, making himself a cup of coffee. (It was 3am why was he drinking coffee).Jun, not expecting anyone else to be awake, almost screamed when he saw Dylan.
"What are you doing here?!" Jun exclaimed.
"I live here."
(Jun rolled his eyes so hard at this)
"I mean why are you awake?"
"Our group songs don't write themselves. Plus I'm always awake at this time. The real question is, why are YOU awake?"
Sighing Jun replied, "I'm hungry."
"There's leftovers in the microwave."
Without another word, Jun took the food from the microwave and headed back to his room. He was tired and drained and didn't want to get into an argument with Dylan right now.
The next night, Jun found Dylan in the kitchen again. Making coffee. Again.
He had a bad dream and just needed to get out of his room. His room that usually provided him with comfort instead became too small, too confined.
Jun got himself a glass of water. They didn't speak. They simply existed in the kitchen together. It was different from how they usually were. They never just existed side by side before. There was always some kind of noise, some kind of disagreement, some kind of discontent. That night though, there was nothing. No noise. Just Jun and Dylan existing. And for some reason it was the most peaceful Jun had felt in months.
Unplanned, their nightly run-ins kept happening. Night after night for days, then weeks, then months. It became a routine. One that Jun looked forward too daily.
It started with them not speaking, then small conversations about nothing, about everything. Before he knew it, Jun was spilling his heart out to Dylan.
One night after a particularly bad dream, Jun had found himself in the kitchen again. As usual Dylan was there.
"What is it that you dream off?" Dylan asked.
"What?" Jun replied.
"Your nightmares. The one that has been waking you up everyday for the past couple of months. You've told me lots of things these past couple of months but you never talk about your dreams. What is it that your dream off?"
Jun sighed. He knew Dylan would ask about it sooner or later. Most nights, Jun showed up to the kitchen with remnants of tears on his face. Dylan had been kind enough to never say anything before. He must have looked especially bad that night if Dylan was bringing it up.
"It starts off normal I suppose. Just us and the rest of Mars hanging out, performing, talking. You know normal stuff. And then out of nowhere, without any warning it shifts. We're all fighting or more specifically you're all fighting with me. We're having dinners all 6 of us. But I'm somehow being left out of conversations. We're performing on stage but no one is looking at me. And then one by one you guys leave and I'm left alone, empty. I'm looking into the mirror but there isn't anything reflecting back. Its like I'm invisible. And suddenly everything becomes dark and I wake up."
Dylan was quite. He always was. Jun knew this was him thinking. That he never spoke unless he had something to add. It still stressed him out though waiting for what Dylan could possibly say.
"Thank you for telling me."
And that was it. Nothing else. 5 simple words and yet it was the most perfect response. He didn't try to comfort Jun. He didn't try to justify the dreams. He listened and that was all. It was everything Jun needed and more. And in that moment, Jun had never been more grateful for Dylan, for their nightly run-ins, for their odd little friendship.
The dreams were never brought up again. Their nightly routine continued. In the day they would bicker like they always this. (Though there was something soft about their bickers these days. If anyone else noticed they definitely didn't mention it. Well not to Jun or Dylan that is.) At night they would talk. About nothing. About everything. They would talk until they were tired or until they heard one of the members waking up. It was their thing.
That night before they were about to head to their respective rooms to hopefully get some sleep, Jun spoke
"Sleep with me."
"What?!"
He didn't know what prompted it. Maybe it was from watching ThamePo all day, maybe he was tired of being alone or maybe it just an accumulation of both and more. (Maybe he just wanted to sleep with Dylan)
"Sleep with me. Like just sleeping. Together. In the same bed. That's all. Just sleeping."
Jun felt stupid for asking. He felt dumber the longer Dylan took to reply. Just as he was about to take it back, to run away from the situation he had put himself in, Dylan replied
"Okay"
And that's how they started their second nightly routine. They would talk, they would walk to Jun's room and they would sleep. Just sleep. Every night for days and then weeks and later months. (Neither of them would ever say it out loud but they both had the best sleep when they together.) It became their thing. A secret between only them, the moon and the house.