Chapter Text
To Luke, loving was the easiest thing in the world. It also often hurt the most.
He loved music, but it’s what caused the rift between him and his parents. He loved his band, but it took dying to get here, separated from and betrayed by Bobby. He loved Alex, but hadn’t been good enough. Now, he loved Julie, and was trying to hide the panic caused by her gentle request to talk.
Even in the quiet privacy of her room, as she explained the term polyamory to him, he felt his defenses rising. He was certain this impromptu lesson wasn’t just meant to be a fun learning moment.
“If this is still about the songs I wrote for Alex—” Luke started to say, before Julie reached out with a shake of her head.
“This isn’t about Alex, I just wanted to let you know it was an option,” she assured him, taking both of his hands in her own with a light squeeze. “If it was something you wanted... I’d support you, as long as you talk to me about it.”
Honestly, the idea isn’t that hard to grasp. It’s so easy to love, even if it’s terrifying sometimes too. He’d stopped caring about being socially acceptable when people stopped being able to see him anyway. He was still caught up on one part, though.
“If not Alex, then…?” Luke let the unfinished question hang in the air, searching Julie’s eyes for answers. She just waited patiently for him to use his brain.
It’s not like there was a long list of options, and the moment he stopped to even consider, he knew. Crossing a line he’d sworn himself off of in life.
“You don’t mean…” He trailed off again, feeling weirdly clammy for a dead person.
“I didn’t mean anyone, but if someone came to mind, then you have your answer.” Julie smiled up at him in a way that made him think that was not at all true. She always seemed to understand in ways he could’ve never anticipated.
“Would that not be weird for you?”
“I’m giving you my express permission. With boundaries, of course. We can cross that bridge when we get to it.”
“Yeah, but—” Luke hesitated to say the name out loud, knowing it’d make it feel more real, but Julie seemed to already guess, so he managed, “I know Reggie’s like a brother to you, so… wouldn’t that be weird?”
Julie beamed, apparently quite pleased with herself for getting him to admit it. “Not really. He’d still be family, one way or another. Same with Alex.”
He was decidedly not going to think too much about that last part. Still, his face grew hot. It’s not like he never considered it, but the one time he had, he’d shut down that thought quickly, not letting himself even humor it. Not again. Not when they shared mics, pulled together by magnetism, or sat too close, or laughed together way too late into the night because each other's company was more alluring than sleep. All that being said, trying to prove he could have chemistry with Reggie to distract from his very obvious feelings for Julie hadn’t been his brightest idea.
“I think you should go for it,” Julie continued. “I will be here to cheer you on from the sidelines.”
Luke thought about it. Perhaps a bit too much. His girlfriend would shoot him a knowing look whenever she caught him staring at their other bandmate, fondly rolling his eyes as he would try to play it off, yet she was nothing but supportive. When he finally did come to a decision (not that it took long at all), it wasn’t Reggie he went to first.
“Hey Alex, you got a sec?” Luke asked once they found themselves alone in the studio, hands shoved in his pockets and rocking back on his heels. Julie was at school and Reggie was keeping Ray company in the house. Not that the man knew he had company, but that never seemed to deter the bassist.
“Uh.” Alex looked like a deer caught in headlights for a moment, which was weird, but he quickly schooled his expression. “Yeah, sure, what’s up?”
“I was thinking.”
“Uh oh,” the drummer joked, earning a scoff.
“Shut up. I mean, yes, okay, it might be stupid. Really stupid. I just wanted to talk to you before I did anything, since it might change things with the band. I guess I’m… warning you? Asking for advice? I don’t know.” Luke winced. It’d been a long time since he’d felt this awkward trying to talk to him.
“O…kay?”
“I was going to ask Reggie out. With Julie’s permission, of course. There’s this thing where—”
“Yeah, I know about it,” Alex interrupted calmly. Luke was too relieved that he wouldn’t have to butcher Julie’s explanation to wonder why or how he already knew about it. The strangest part was that he seemed to relax at the admission.
“So… yeah, that’s basically it, I guess.”
Alex crossed his arms, looking amused. “I don’t remember either of us asking for permission.”
Luke stared for a long moment, mouth agape; he can’t recall the last time either of them had so much as acknowledged their previous relationship to each other since it fell apart. Not that it hadn't been running through the back of his mind since Julie first asked about their past. They'd just made a silent agreement to leave it unspoken, to act as they had before they ever got together, as if that'd make it easier to move past to preserve the band. It had eventually worked.
The drummer laughed, actually laughed, before continuing, “Dude, I’m kidding. It’s about time.”
“Wha—” Had Luke really been the last one to realize? Did Reggie know? He doubted it, but a lot of things were surprising him these days. “How long have you known?”
Alex shot him a look that seemed to ask, are you serious? “Like, always.” He stepped closer to give the other a lighthearted punch to the arm. “I’m happy for you.” The same sentiment Luke had offered upon realizing his crush on Willie.
Gears were already turning in Luke’s head, though. Always? “Thanks,” he managed to say, despite being momentarily distracted.
“When do you plan to ask him?” Alex asked, unaware of the crisis he’d kickstarted.
“Uh… soon. I think. You don’t think it's a bad idea?”
“Dude. There’s no way he doesn’t say yes.”
His confidence in that fact caught Luke even more off guard. “Has he ever said anything to you?” Not that it was really his place to ask, he knew he should just talk to Reggie, but still.
Alex shook his head anyway. “No, but I know him. And I know you. I’m sure it’ll work out.”
“Oh.” Luke was starting to think Alex knew him better than he knew himself in some ways.
“Besides, Julie seems to agree, and she’s usually right about things.”
That was enough to get a laugh out of him. “That’s true.”
“So don’t worry so much.”
“That’s funny, coming from you.”
Luke was teasing, but he still expected Alex to at least act offended. Instead, he just smiled sheepishly and shrugged. “Maybe. I mean it, though.”
“Thanks, Lex.”
“Should I leave you to it?”
“I don’t know that I’d do it now, but…”
“I’ll give you time to think,” Alex concluded with a nod. He related in ways Luke didn’t yet know, had spent his fair share of time thinking these last few days. “I really am happy for you,” he repeated with earnest before poofing away.
Leaving Luke to reevaluate a lot of things.
Clearly, always was a hyperbole, since he hadn’t always had Alex and Reggie in his life. He hardly remembered a time before he did, though. Despite everything, he liked to think his relationship with Alex had been good, at least for a while. Luke was certain that the other would’ve never agreed to date him if he thought he liked someone else, so it couldn’t have been always.
But then, there was the shift. It came out of seemingly nowhere and suddenly Alex was pulling away, falling out of rhythm with him. He’d almost convinced himself he was imagining it until the night where it all came to a head and it was over, just like that.
He remembered the drummer stumbling over his words of vague explanation, saying things like you deserve to be happy and I don’t want to hold you back. It’d made Luke want to scream at the time, because Alex did make him happy, what could he possibly be holding him back from? They shared so much of their lives together, they shared the band, and as far as he knew, they were all headed toward the same goal of the stage.
Now, looking back… Had this been it? Had this been what Alex was trying to push him towards?
In some ways, he knew Luke so well, and yet still not enough to realize he did love Alex, would always love him, even now. Luke had so much love to give, seeping into everything he did, but it’d been inconceivable at the time that he could want both, let alone have both, until now. Julie had been able to finally put a word to the feelings he'd tried so hard to lock away, the first ball to drop in a series of realizations.
It only now sunk in that Alex had already been familiar with the concept before he’d approached him. When did he learn? How? Why? Not to mention, he was acting weird when Luke first tried to approach him and—
Wait.
Where was his songbook?
…
Fuck.