Chapter Text
A surprisingly short time later, Eddie jogged through the sliding doors and out into the fresh air of the hospital garden. He’d made it at as close to a run as his injury had allowed. By the time he arrived he was a little breathless but desperate to set eyes on Buck.
He’d almost expected to meet Buck coming the other way, a sheepish grin on his face while an exasperated nurse dragged him back to his room. He didn’t, however, and Eddie tried not to let that worry him. Buck was probably still waking up properly. Maybe he’d just needed to take his time.
Hell, maybe he was completely fine and was just taking the moment to enjoy the morning sunshine.
Yeah, right.
Eddie just needed to see him. He needed to check for himself that Buck was OK.
Though he’d walked past the doors several times previously, Eddie had never actually been in the hospital garden before. He’d wondered how he was going to find Buck, but he needn't have worried. As soon as he stepped outside, Eddie’s attention was drawn to a commotion, with a professional but urgent voice cutting through the morning stillness.
Eddie hurried over with a sinking feeling, already expecting that Buck would be at the centre of whatever was happening.
And, of course, he was.
Buck was sitting, leaning back till he was almost horizontal, on one of the garden’s wooden benches. His long legs stretched out in front of him. His head was resting against the back of the bench, his dirty blonde curls framing a face that was tipped skywards. His eyes were closed and his breathing was even and regular.
Buck was still asleep. For a moment Eddie was relieved, until he took in the rest of the scene.
An orderly stood at Buck’s shoulder and a nurse was kneeling in front of him. She was talking to Buck, her voice loud but measured. Eddie recognised that tone. He’d used it himself countless times. It was designed to cut through the heaviest of sleep when there was a real need for a patient to wake up.
“Mr Buckley? Evan? Can you hear me? I need you to open your eyes for me.”
Something tightened in Eddie’s chest.
Buck wasn’t waking up. Why wasn’t he waking up?
Chim had said Buck was asleep. So, if he was asleep, he should just be able to wake up. Right?
But Buck didn’t wake up.
Not when the nurse called his name. Not when the orderly gently shook his shoulder.
“What’s happening? What’s wrong with him? Why can’t you wake him up?” The panicked questions poured from Eddie, as he also dropped to his knees in front of Buck.
“Mr Diaz, please. I’ve got this,” the nurse, Kayla, he remembered, said firmly but not unkindly. “Please give us a little room.”
Yeah, like Eddie was going to comply with that request.
“You need to…” he started, but he was interrupted.
“Eddie, man, you have to let her work.” Chim’s voice. Chim’s gentle but firm hand on his shoulder, pulling him back slightly. He must have followed Eddie, though Eddie had been far too focused on reaching Buck to notice. “You’re a patient here, not a first responder. She has him. He’s going to be fine”.
He’s going to be fine.
And oh, how Eddie needed Buck to be fine.
Eddie didn’t think he would cope if Buck wasn’t fine.
He desperately wanted to help, to take over, to be the one to wake Buck. But Chim was right. He was a patient, and this was Kayla’s job. From what he’d seen of her in action, he knew she was very good at it. He just had to trust her.
Trust her. With his best friend. The best man Eddie had ever known. The man he was secretly in love with.
It wasn’t easy. Eddie didn’t really trust people he didn’t know at the best of times, and Buck was Eddie’s heart.
And these were decidedly not the best of times.
The only person who could make things better was laying almost horizontally on the bench in front of him, seemingly dead to the world.
It was just not acceptable. Eddie needed Buck to wake up. Now, if at all possible. Standing and taking a step back, Eddie watched as Kayla leaned in and squeezed Buck’s trapezius muscle at his shoulder. This was a protocol Eddie knew and had followed himself numerous times with patients who proved difficult to wake. Pain acted as a stimulus, to bring someone back to consciousness.
Eddie felt his breath catch in his throat as he watched, counting the seconds in his head, measuring their rhythm like a heartbeat.
After a few moments that seemed to Eddie like a lifetime, Buck shifted on the bench, automatically shying away from the pressure near his neck. Then he blinked his eyes open.
Ocean blue eyes met Eddie’s brown ones.
And Eddie realised he could breathe again.
Buck woke up with the sun still warming his face. He’d felt so at peace. But now there was… pain? Yes. Pain. In his shoulder. And voices, he realised. People. Close by. He forced himself to focus. Faces. A nurse. Kayla? Leaning in. Talking to him. Asking questions he couldn’t quite process. Then, behind her, other people. People he knew. Chim. Eddie.
Eddie.
Their eyes held for a moment, before Buck dropped his gaze. Buck realised they all looked worried. Eddie was worried. He just didn’t know why.
Oh, maybe he did.
He’d left his room without telling anyone and… then what…? Fallen asleep outside…? Not good. He was probably in trouble. Who knew how long they had spent looking for him.
He looked back at Eddie and, oh… yes… Eddie was up and around. That was good. That was progress. Because… why was it progress? Oh, yeah. Eddie was shot.
Weird. Buck knew he should feel something about that but he… couldn’t seem to stop his thoughts from drifting. It was an odd, confused feeling. What had he been…?
Eddie. Eddie got shot. He was hurt. It was bad Eddie got hurt, and good that he was now getting better. Because Eddie mattered. He was important. He…
And then Buck noticed how blue the sky was. Had it always been that blue? It was beautiful. So beautiful. Beautiful like Eddie. Beautiful like his eyes. Like his smile. Like…
“Mr Buckley. Buck. You need to stay awake for me.” The voice was loud and very close. Annoying.
Because Buck was awake. Wasn’t he? But he felt… jumbled, somehow. Maybe…
“Buck. Buck! Show me those eyes again, buddy.” Eddie. That was Eddie. His voice was beautiful too. And Buck could tell from the tension in that beautiful voice that Eddie was worried about something. Buck wanted to help, to take the worry away. He struggled, trying hard to focus. Raising his head, his eyes again met Eddie’s.
Eddie's eyes that were molten brown like liquid chocolate. Beautiful.
“There you are,” Eddie said, gently reaching up to stroke Buck’s cheek. Hmmm. That was nice. Wait, did Eddie normally… Eddie’s fingers were soft… it felt…
“Buck” Eddie’s voice had a hard edge to it now. “Buck, you need to stay with me”.
Always, Buck wanted to say. Always, Eddie. But he couldn't seem to get his words to work.
He realised that Eddie was holding his hand, rubbing it and putting pressure on the soft area between Buck’s thumb and forefinger. It felt grounding, like something he could focus on.
Snippets of the conversation flowing around him drifted into momentary focus, like little bubbles of clarity. He couldn’t follow what was being said, though, and the different voices merged together.
“...not able to stay awake.”
“... need a gurney, Have to get him back to…”
“... his body is just not coping with…”
“... feeding tube. There doesn’t seem to be any other…”
“Buck. You with me?” That voice was closer. Eddie. That was Eddie. Buck turned his slow gaze to find where the voice was coming from. And he was there, Eddie was right there, still stroking Buck’s hand.
“Eddie” Buck managed, “You OK?”
Buck saw Eddie nod, but his eyes were clouded. Buck wanted to hold him, to kiss away the frown resting between Eddie’s eyes. But he wasn’t allowed to do that. He couldn’t remember why. Maybe he should ask Eddie. Eddie would know. Eddie would… Eddie was…
“Buck? Buck!”
But no matter how hard he tried, Eddie couldn’t rouse the man who had just slumped sideways, his eyes now resolutely closed.
Eddie brushed a thumb along Buck’s cheek. Then he leaned in and pressed a light kiss to Buck’s temple. “Wake up, cariño. Please”, he begged, his words soft against Buck’s skin.
But Buck didn’t stir. Eddie became aware of someone crouching down next to him. He turned to see Chimney, face set but eyes full of emotion.
“Eddie, they need to move him back to his room. This has gone on long enough. Let them help him. And I think we need to talk”.
“I’m not leaving him, Chim. I’m not leaving him alone.”
I never want him to be alone again.
“You don’t have to, Eddie. But you do have to give them room.”
Eddie looked up and saw the orderly from before returning with a gurney.
“Right, gentlemen” Kayla said from behind them. “Let’s get Mr Buckley back in his bed, for starters. Then let’s work out what exactly we need to do to get him back on his feet”.
Eddie sat in Buck’s room, Buck’s large, calloused hand clasped in his.
It was fair to say that Eddie had not had an easy couple of days. First, finding out Buck was also in the hospital, in a bed just down the hall. Then the dramatic morning, with the stress of Buck missing, and the relief when he was found. Relief that turned sour when it became clear that Buck was more unwell than Eddie had realised. The worry when Buck, eyes vacant and confused, could not stay awake. The fear when he slid back into unconsciousness.
There had been a flurry of activity, nurses and doctors all moving with practised urgency. Moving Buck back to his room, transferring him from the gurney back into his bed, hooking him up to monitoring equipment that showed Buck’s body to be in crisis. Hooking Buck back up to the IV. But then the decision was taken to place Buck on a feeding tube as well. It was a lot to happen very quickly, and Eddie was still recovering from his own injury.
But, once Buck was stable, things became calmer. Sedating him to help with the insertion of the feeding tube, the medical team decided to keep Buck under for at least 24 hours to give his body a break and allow it time to adjust.
While Buck was unconscious, visitors came and went. Eddie sat in his chair by Buck's bed throughout, mostly silent, just
Bobby and Hen came between shifts, bringing food as well as cards for Eddie and Buck from Christopher. Eddie had the chance to FaceTime with his son and, just for that 20 minutes, the world seemed lighter.
Maddie came, bringing Jee-Yun who got to spend time with her father while Maddie sat with Buck. Eddie gave her space, and took a break with Chim and Jee in the hospital cafeteria, drinking back coffee while his thoughts were still with the unconscious man in the room three floors above. Maddie gave Eddie a kiss on the cheek as she left, and he thought she looked drained, tired, sad. He promised himself he would check in with her when he got out of the hospital and Buck was in a better place.
Chim, meanwhile, had been an almost constant presence. He had gone home very briefly at one point for a shower and change of clothes, but he had come right back in. Eddie caught him dozing in one of the chairs in Buck’s room and tried to send him away to get some proper rest, but Chimney seemed to have some kind of need to be with Buck. Just like Eddie had a need to be with Buck. They both needed to know where he was and that he was safe.
Now, as the day was ending and the others had gone home, Eddie took advantage of this time with Chimney.
They were sat, side by side, in the hard visitor chairs in Buck's room. Eddie had pulled his close to the bed and was holding Buck's hand, the warmth comforting and reassuring. Chim was fidgeting in his seat, his fingers picking at a rip in the padded cover of the armrest.
Tearing his eyes away from Buck for a moment, Eddie nudged Chim's foot gently with his own to get his attention.
“Come on, Chim. It’s OK now. He’s safe. He's gonna be fine. I'm going to be fine. But I need to know what’s been going on. You gotta fill me in on exactly what's happening here. How did he get to this point?”
“Eddie, I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know what he would want me to tell you.”
Looking Chimney full in the face, Eddie said slowly “Chimney, the man in that bed means more to me than almost anyone else on the planet. Other than my son, there is no one more important to me than him. And I’m sitting by his side while he’s sedated so the medics can use a damn feeding tube to get his body back to a place where he can walk a few feet without passing out. I think we’re probably past the niceties by now. Don't you?”
Not meeting Eddie’s eye, Chimney sighed then said in a defeated voice “He’s been struggling to eat and drink, but especially to eat, since… well, since you… you know. He said it was the stress of dealing with it all. He’s been struggling, Eddie. Badly. And you know him. He never stopped pushing himself at work, or in taking care of Christopher. A huge guy like that needs fuel. Lots of fuel. You’ve seen how much he normally eats. But he’s been running on empty for days now.”
Days. Buck hadn’t eaten properly for days. Then he remembered the extreme reaction when he’d offered Buck water and frowned.
“What are you still not telling me?”
Chimney sighed again. “When you got shot, he was… close to you. Very close.” Eddie already knew this. He nodded and Chim continued. “Your blood got all over him. He’s not been… dealing well with that.”
Eddie didn’t understand.
“But we’re firefighters, Chim. He’s used to blood. I don’t…”
“Eddie, this wasn’t just blood. This was your blood. It was everywhere. It was… it was on his face. It was in his mouth, Eddie. The trauma of that must be huge, especially right in the moment. I just cannot imagine standing next to Maddie, seeing her get shot, getting her blood over me and in my mouth, and then having to fight to save her en route to the hospital. It’s genuinely insane to expect someone to just cope with that. No wonder he’s struggling so much.”
“Chim," Eddie said slowly. "You did that before. You compared my friendship with Buck with what you have with Maddie. But…”
For just a beat, Chimney gave Eddie an appraising look then his eyes softened.
“Edmundo Diaz, do not finish that sentence by underselling what Evan Buckley feels for you or what you feel for him. You can call it friendship if you must, but Buck would walk through fire and water for you. He already has. You know that. And I’m pretty sure you would do the same for him. Don’t you dare try and tell me that isn’t love.”
Holding Eddie’s gaze, Chim exhaled and continued “You two. I know we joke about it. We ride you for being co-dependant, for being overly intense about each other. But, Eddie, your relationship isn’t a joke. Over the years, Buck hasn’t had many people willing to fight for him. Neither have you, I don’t think. But you fight for each other like it's as natural as breathing. You always have. Imagine how you would feel if this was the other way round. If Buck had been shot right in front of you.”
Eddie didn’t have to imagine. That was the thing. He remembered holding Buck’s hand while his friend was trapped under a ladder truck. He remembered Buck collapsing in Bobby’s back yard, coughing up blood. He remembered Buck dragging himself to the brink of exhaustion, trying to save Christopher from an act of god.
He remembered how the fear burned in his own chest each time Buck put himself in danger.
That fear burned there now.
“But why was he not eating and drinking?”
Chim hesitated.
“Just tell me,” Eddie begged.
Chim looked at Eddie for a long minute, before he finally continued.
“Because, Eddie, since the shooting, everything tastes like blood to him. Your blood, to be precise. He knows it’s in his head. Of course he does. But that doesn’t make it easier. Honestly, it’s been heartbreaking watching him try so hard to move past it. But we all saw it getting worse. His body was just exhausted, but from lack of food not lack of sleep. Though Carla said he’d struggled a little with sleep too. That last night before he was first admitted he ate Bobby’s lasagne, drank some tea, and I was just so relieved. But then, later, it caught up with him and he couldn’t keep it down. I heard him in the bathroom and thought I’d give him a few minutes to settle before going to check on him. Which turned out to be a mistake. Because he was… gone.”
The heartbroken look on Chimney’s face was hard to take.
“We all tried so hard to help him. To be there for him. To try and get him to take care of himself. You should have seen Carla, Eddie. I’ve never seen her so angry as when he… well, when she thought he wasn’t being careful enough. And he did try. He always does. But he’s, well, Buck. He has to help when he sees someone who needs him. He puts everyone else above himself. Still.”
Eddie nodded, a determined look on his face now. He was still holding Buck's hand, and he gave it a gentle squeeze. “Don’t worry Chimney. I’m going to take the next few years, probably, to explain to him just how important I… we think he is. And I fully intend to make sure the message sticks”.
Chim gave Eddie a smile, and it was the first real smile Eddie thought he’d seen from Chimney for days.
“I’m gonna hold you to that, Eddie. You might be the only one he’ll listen to.”
“He listens to Bobby,” Eddie replied, looking over at Buck. "Well, mostly. When it matters".
Chim laughed. “Not so much these last few days, it turns out. I thought Bobby was going to lose it when Buck climbed that crane without permission.”
“Um, Chim. What crane?”
Chim froze, suddenly panicked.
“Oh man, Buck’s gonna kill me. Can you pretend I didn't mention it? He definitely doesn't want anyone to tell you about it.”
“Sorry, Chim, but you’ve said it now. You know I’ll find out anyway. And this way, maybe we spare Buck being present for the conversation. So tell me”. Eddie was not kidding around, everything about him serious.
Swallowing, Chim pulled his phone out. As he opened his socials he looked back up at Eddie. "Maybe it’s easier if I show you”. He cued up a video and offered Eddie the phone.
Eddie reluctantly let go of Buck's hand, resting it carefully back on the bed. He took the phone from Chimney and, focused on the screen, pressed play. He watched the video in silence. Chim’s eyes fixed on his face nervously throughout. But Eddie’s expression didn’t change at any point.
Finally, the video ended and the screen cycled to the next clip on the site. Eddie handed the phone back to Chim, and took up Buck's hand in his own again. His face still hadn’t changed. Then, just for a moment the mask slipped. Eddie’s face crumpled into an expression of… well, it could only be called despair, Chimney thought. His bottom lip quivered, before being caught between his teeth. He screwed his eyes closed, and his brow furrowed like he was actually in pain. It was heartbreaking.
Then, a beat later, Eddie composed himself. His face smoothed out and the mask slipped back into place.
God, Chim thought. They can both do that. They are both so good at hiding themselves from the world. Chim was going to work hard to make sure both Buck and Eddie knew they didn’t have to hide from him. Or from the rest of the 118.
Then the questions started. Eddie definitely had questions. Lots of them.
“When?”
“It… was after you got shot. The day you woke up. Before you woke up”.
“So the sniper…?”
“Was… active. And considered a threat.”
“And Bobby made that call?”
Chim huffed. ”God, no. This was all Buck. He started climbing while the rest of us were wasting time discussing options that wouldn't have worked. Buck knew that, and just acted. Obviously without any thought for himself. When we realised what he was doing, Bobby was furious. He ordered Buck to come back down. He… didn’t comply. Then he turned his radio off.”
Eddie closed his eyes again for a moment, before he continued.
“Why?”
Chim looked confused at that. “To save the guy bleeding out at the top of the crane”.
Eddie sighed.
“No Chim. Why Buck? Why did he feel he had to do this?”
Studying his fingernails, Chimney muttered something Eddie didn’t catch.
“Sorry, Chim?”
“He thought he mattered least. He said… he said the rest of us had families, so it should be him to take the risk”.
That did provoke a reaction from Eddie, in the form of a string of quiet but impassioned Spanish curse words. Chim didn’t understand them all, but he definitely got the point.
Regaining his composure, Eddie asked “Why did he stop?” The climb, I mean. He paused for a little while about two thirds of the way up. Why?”
Expression grim, Chim replied “I think he was struggling, Eddie. Physically. I think his body was already on its way to crisis. He didn’t just push his limits, he blew right past them at high speed. But later, the wheels came off. It was when we got back after that call that he first collapsed.”
“Reprimand?”
Chim frowned. “Bobby was livid and pulled him so they could... talk. Not sure how formal that conversation would have been, but they didn’t get far before Buck passed out. That was the first real indication we had that there was something really wrong. He’d been… covering it pretty well till then”.
More impassioned cursing in Spanish. Chim winced. Eddie was not happy. He knew Buck was gonna be mad that he’d filled Eddie in like this, but he reasoned it was for Buck’s own good in the long run.
“Tell me there was protection, at least,” Eddie almost pleaded.
Chim sucked in a breath through his teeth, like he was considering his answer.
“There was, to a degree. He was wearing a flack vest. We all had those issued by the LAPD as part of the safety measures. So his torso was protected. But he just had a standard climbing helmet, so…”
“So he was vulnerable to anything other than a shot to centre mass”.
Chim nodded.
Eddie seemed to take a moment to process the information he’d just learned from Chimney. He turned his gaze back to Buck, unmoving in the bed. Chim saw Eddie was stroking the back of Buck's hand with his thumb. He didn't think Eddie knew he was doing it, and it seemed to be self-soothing as much as anything. He watched Eddie take a breath, then turn back to face him again.
“So, just to be clear. Buck hasn’t been able to eat or drink properly since I was shot. Which is now five days ago. He didn’t tell anyone or ask for help. After three days of not being able to eat or drink, very dehydrated and with nothing in his system to give him energy, he went against police advice and the orders of his captain to climb an incredibly tall crane. Potentially fully exposed to a sniper who was actively targeting firefighters. A climb that would have been difficult for anyone at full capacity. Yet Buck did it anyway and it took so much out of him that he passed out once you got back to the firehouse.”
“Twice” Chimney interjected nervously.
“Twice” Edddie echoed in a flat voice.
“The second time we understood what was going on. We hooked him up to an IV for fluids but, before we could talk more with him about it or do anything else, he got the call you’d woken up. And he was totally focused on getting to you.”
Eddie smiled softly, then, despite himself. A small, almost shy smile, that lit his tired face. Then he remembered the state Buck had been in that day. How he wouldn’t tell Eddie what was wrong. The smile vanished.
“You took him home, but he made his way back here for some reason.”
“You, Eddie. He needed to check in on you. I think he just needed to know it was real, that you were getting better.”
“But he collapsed again and was finally admitted. Again, IV for fluids, but he still wasn’t eating. Why wasn’t that picked up?”
“He hides it well, Eddie. Downplays how serious things are. Doesn’t want to be a burden”.
“And that led us here. To him lying there, sedated, with a feeding tube. Dios.”
Eddie’s eyes fixed on Buck. They looked almost hungry, Chim thought.
“How do we help him?”
Chim didn’t know.
“He’s gonna need support. Therapy, probably. But I’m hoping this final crash out might reset something in him. And maybe, you know, you getting better will help him move on.”
“I’m hearing a lot of hope and uncertainty there, Chim.”
“I know, Eddie.” Chim said, sounding suddenly very tired. “But I don’t know what else there is just now”.
Dragging his gaze away from Buck, Eddie looked at Chimney again. He saw the worry, the exhaustion and the frustration at not being able to do more. He also saw the love Chimney had for Buck. It was clear in everything he'd done to try and help the man who had still ended up unconscious in the bed next to them.
“You did your best for him, you know. You all did. He’s not easy to look after. He doesn’t lean into it with you. He fights you at every step. He doesn’t think he deserves to be cared for, you know?”
Eddie looked back at Buck, drinking him in with his eyes. He was pale, smaller somehow, unruly curls spilling over his forehead. His face was peaceful in a way Eddie had rarely seen, even when Buck slept. Maybe the meds had helped calm Buck’s racing thoughts in a way normal sleep didn’t, if his nightmares were anything to go by.
“I am going to talk to him, Chim. When he wakes up. This can’t go on. He needs to understand.” Eddie’s voice broke. “How good… how important… how precious…”
Eddie was crying now, silent tears spilling down his cheeks. He lifted Buck's hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to the back of it.
“I have to make him understand just how much he is loved”.
Wordlessly, Chim pulled Eddie into a careful, one armed hug. He hoped that, just maybe, this time Buck would listen.
Hope and uncertainty, still.
But better than nothing.