Chapter Text
July 2018
The first time Paige gave a true part of herself to Azzi was way back in 2018. It’s a fond memory she looks back on when she needs a smile.
And she needs a smile right now.
It was their second year of Team USA together, and at this point, their friendship was fully solidified. It wasn’t to the point of best friends quite just yet, but it was getting there.
Well. It wasn’t at that point to Azzi. To Paige, Azzi may as well have hung the moon.
Paige and Azzi had decided to split from the team to get lunch during the hour break they had between games. They were in Minsk, Belarus. Minsk was a beautiful city, Russian-inspired architecture blending with modern street art to create a metropolis Paige had never experienced before. She was still in shock at how lucky, how privileged she was to be able to experience so many different countries at such a young age.
Paige being Paige— a picky eater— thought she’d struggle to find food she even wanted to try, let alone like. But Belarus surprised her. They had a lot of bland but somehow also really interesting foods? Paige was used to living off uncrustables and slim Jim’s, so she didn’t know how to adequately describe Belarus cuisine.
Azzi and Paige went to some local cafe that served Belarus delicacies. Azzi dragged Paige here, claiming that not trying the country’s food they were currently in was like committing a crime.
And people say Paige is the dramatic one.
Paige ordered the thing she thought she’d be able to stomach most, which turned out to be potato pancakes.
“It’s called draniki, Paige,” Azzi corrects.
Paige just rolls her eyes, internally in awe of how the word rolled off of Azzi’s tongue after just a short few days in Belarus.
“Yeah, yeah, same difference.”
Azzi being Azzi, ordered something very similar, except instead of potatoes, the pancakes were made from cottage cheese. The woman at the vendor recommended dipping both their orders in sour cream, but the thought made Paige and Azzi alike want to gag, so they stuck with eating them plain.
They were good. Nothing life changing, but it was special to walk down the streets of a foreign city with your favorite person eating some local classics. Paige took a mental picture, never wanting this moment to fade from her memory.
The girls wandered down to a more open area with greenery and benches lining a lake. They sat down, content to watch the sun dip lower into the horizon as the night went on. The light filtering through the trees and gleaming off the water was almost breathtaking. Paige thought it paled in comparison to the girl next to her.
Paige broke the silence, bouncing on a point she’d been trying to make the whole trip.
“Okay bro, please let me give you some song recs real quick,” Paige pleaded.
Azzi laughs, “Not this again, P.” She took another small bite of her pancake-bread thingy, and Paige followed the movement of her throat as Azzi swallowed. She looked back up quickly, hoping Azzi hadn’t caught her staring.
Luckily, Azzi was smiling down at her hands, still amused at Paige’s prodding.
“No but you just don’t get it. You’ve been talking– wait sorry. Complaining about how you never know what to listen to since that flight a year ago. Yet you still resist most times when I try to hook you up with fire music.” Paige huffs as she continues to ramble. “I just don’t get it.”
Sharing her music and making playlists is one of Paige’s love languages. She absolutely loves trying to find songs she thinks the other person will like, and she loves it even more when they love the songs. And with Azzi it’s even better, because her music taste is shit.
Well, it was before Paige came along.
“Listen, I get that you don’t get it.” Azzi sets a hand on Paige's forearm. “I really appreciate you sending me songs and playlists, I do. But it can get a little annoying when you try to sit me down and force me to listen to hours of songs, like, every other day.” Azzi sighs. “I have other things to do, Paige.”
“Like what?”
“Um, play basketball? Talk to people?”
“So two other things? That’s all you do?” Paige is smiling now, poking fun at Azzi’s response.
“Oh, shut it. Y’know what I mean,” Azzi playfully slaps Paige’s arm.
Paige, never one to back down from an argument, persists. “Okay, I understand. But can I put you on oneeee song right now? Please? I’ve been listening to it more recently, and, well…” Paige feels her face flush. “It just reminds me of you a little, I guess.” Paige looks away, embarrassed. She was so intent on getting Azzi to listen to this song, but now that she has to explain her reasoning, she feels like a simp.
Paige doesn’t want to be super obvious about her growing feelings for Azzi, but sometimes she just can’t help it.
“Aw, P, don’t be embarrassed,” Azzi teases.
“I’m not,” Paige grumbles. Liar.
Azzi smiles. “No, c’mon, I wanna hear it, seriously.”
Paige is pulling out her phone before she can protest any further. She really does want Azzi to hear the song, no matter how embarrassed she might feel.
“Okay, you remember SZA, right?” Paige looks at Azzi expectantly.
Azzi squints her eyes like she’s trying to think. It’s incredibly endearing. “Mm…yeah. I liked her didn’t I?”
“Yes, you really liked her,” Paige nods in agreement. “She’s got that chill RnB vibe, but also like some hip-hop stuff.”
“Okay yes. What’s the song?”
Paige flushes again. “It’s called, um, Nobody Gets Me.” Paige clears her throat, pretending to cough. “It reminds me of you because, like, nobody gets me like you do, and that’s what the song’s about and that’s one of the lines, and, yeah” Paige sheepishly explains. She’s aware she’s rambling.
Azzi's smiling, dimples on full display. “That’s sounds really sweet, P. Can you play it?”
So Paige does. The intro starts softly playing, the strumming melody leading up to SZA’s voice blending in beautifully. When she gets to the chorus, Paige looks at Azzi to see her reaction. Azzi’s eyes are tracking the lyrics where Paige has them pulled up on Apple Music, and when the line ‘only like myself when I’m with you, nobody gets me, you do’ plays, Azzi’s eyes soften. She seems to like the song, which relieves Paige.
The last ‘nobody gets me, you do’ rings out into the air, and Paige pauses the music.
“Did you like it?” Paige feels almost giddy, desperately wanting to know Azzi’s opinion.
Azzi finally looks up at her, and Paige’s smile falls, because there are tears in Azzi’s eyes. She’s crying.
“Oh my god, Az, are you okay?”
Azzi laughs, but it turns into a wet hiccup. “Yes, I’m okay.” She wipes her eyes. “God, I don’t know why that got me all emotional, but that was really sweet, Paige. I really like it.”
“Yeah?” Paige whispers.
“Yeah,” Azzi replies, voice quiet too. “I get it.”
“Get what?” Paige doesn’t know if she means the song, or the meaning, or why Paige thinks of Azzi when she hears it. She wants to know.
“Sorry, that was so vague.” Azzi laughs at herself. “I meant that I get what you mean– I feel the same.” Azzi looks at Paige, eyes still shining.
“Nobody gets me like you, P.”
— — — — —
December 2023
The chill of early December has fully sunk into Paige’s bones, cooling her skin and freezing her joints. Walks to classes have become brutal fights against the bitter wind, and long gone are the late-night car rides with the music blasting. Paige still rolls the windows down sometimes, just cranks the heater up. She likes the way the cold wind whips through her hair and contrasts with the hot air blasting in her face.
Paige hasn’t spoken to Azzi in almost three weeks. The Villanova weekend passed, then Thanksgiving, then the end of November. Now it’s the first week of the last month of the year, and Paige feels lost. The only good thing she has going for her is that she got off concussion protocol this week, so she’s back to practicing with the team, finally getting some real reps in. Even throughout her 2-week stint of no real practicing, she was still the first one in the gym and the last to leave.
When all else fails in her life, basketball is what she can come back to. She’s said it before, but she lives the game. She’d do anything to keep playing, so she pushes through the mental and physical fatigue.
Geno got mad at her again. Reprimanded her for putting her body– and mind– at risk. Raised his voice at her, claiming she was an idiot for continuing to punish herself. Paige didn’t yell back. She had no defense. First time for everything, right?
That’s another new thing– she’s lost her fire. Paige isn’t the happy girl everyone knows anymore. She doesn’t crack stupid jokes anymore, won’t talk trash, even to the practice players. She feels like a zombie, tired eyes with dark circles forming crescents underneath them. Pale skin turned white with the winter. Hair brittle from the dry air and too many washes with too few breaks in-between.
Geno had noticed, during that meeting.
His voice had died down, the reprimanding turning into thinly veiled concern. “You okay, kid?”
Paige recalls how she was almost looking him in the eyes. She had shrugged, attempting to brush it off. “Yeah.”
“I don’t want to get angry with you, Paige. But I’m concerned– we all are.”
Geno got her attention with that one– she hated when people worried about her. Despised it.
But she was also so tired.
“I know,” she had replied. And then walked out.
It hadn’t been a productive conversation. None are these days.
The team has officially picked up on the tension between Paige and Azzi, and now everything’s all fucked and awkward. It’s obvious KK tries to force jokes to get both Azzi and Paige respectively to laugh, but it never works like she intends to. Nika just observes her, always seeing what others fail to. She’s given Paige space, but it’s only a matter of time before she prods Paige to fix her attitude. Paige secretly hopes that time is soon.
And Caroline, well. She’s kinda given Paige the cold shoulder. Paige can tell it’s in allegiance with Azzi, but it’s honestly fucked because Paige has done jackshit. Regardless, Paige is glad Azzi has people in her corner, willing to go to war for her. Paige thinks she still would, too. There’s few things that would cause Paige to be permanently detached from loving and caring for Azzi. Even this silent treatment phase they’re going through.
Everyone else on the team not-so-subtly avoids bringing them up or attempting to speak to them at the same time. It’s painful and definitely ruining the flow of the team. Once again, Paige feels guiltily grateful Azzi can’t play– at least on the court, vibes are good. Kinda. Paige is ruining that a little too.
As the leader, she knows she needs to be better. Getting stuck in this mindset that she’s miserable and exhausted and upset will only hurt her in the long run. She’s trying, truly. But every morning she wakes up and there’s a part of her missing from her life, and every night she goes to bed dreaming of that part becoming one with her again. Three weeks has never felt more like three years.
Paige has thought about talking to Azzi, asking for a chance to clear the air. She comes up short every time– what would she even say? How can she start a conversation like that? Part of her– the ugly part– wants Azzi to initiate a conversation, wants Azzi to apologize for shutting Paige out and being so confusing. Realistically, that won’t happen. Paige knows Azzi. Azzi sucks at confrontation. So, the ball is in Paige’s court; she knows this. She just hasn’t decided if she’s gonna take the shot or pass it.
… or turn it over.
—
Azzi, December 2023
“Alright, Azzi. Enough. Tell me what’s up.”
Caroline’s ‘mom’ voice is in full effect tonight. Azzi groans.
“Nothing’s up, Carol. How many times do I have to tell you?” Azzi’s exasperated. She’s sick of the questions she doesn’t have any answers to.
“That’s bullshit and you know it,” Caroline fires back.
Azzi turns to face Caroline where she sits on the couch in their apartment. It’s early evening, and Azzi just sat down to eat her dinner and watch a show. She planned to relax, take her mind off things. Not get ambushed about a topic she’s been avoiding for weeks.
Azzi says nothing. Caroline sighs.
“Azzi. I’ve been trying to give you space and deal with it on your own because I know how you are, but I can’t stand by anymore.” Her voice softens. “What’s going on, Az? The whole team can tell something’s off with you and Paige.”
Azzi sets down her bowl on the coffee table. Suddenly she’s not hungry– she feels sick, actually. She twists her fingers, cracking each knuckle before responding.
“I…I don’t know.” It’s weak and quiet and mostly a lie. Azzi just doesn’t know how to explain what’s going on, she can barely understand it herself.
Caroline moves to sit down next to Azzi, their thighs touching. Caroline puts a hand on her thigh in a comforting manner.
“Can you just try and explain the last time you two talked, and what happened? I really just wanna be here for you, Az.” Her voice is calm, even, and soothing, like a mother’s, and Azzi wants to cry.
She’s been holding everything in for weeks and she feels like the dam is going to break.
“I just…I can’t do it anymore.” Azzi's voice is shaky and she can feel her eyes welling up.
“Oh, Az, c’mere.” Caroline wraps an arm around Azzi, pulling her in. Azzi’s tears are streaming hot down her face now, and her breaths are uneven. “What can’t you do anymore?”
Paige. Azzi can’t do Paige anymore, can’t deal with their dynamic any longer; it’s killing her. For years they’ve been stuck in a friendship that always felt like something more, but nothing’s ever actually happened. Azzi’s made some drunk mistakes and pretended they never happened, and Paige has never forced Azzi to talk about it, seemingly content to let Azzi lie to her face.
It’s just all so confusing. They never talk about it– which is definitely the biggest problem. And with the past few weeks of silence and avoiding each other, that issue has only grown. Azzi has no idea how to stop it.
But how is Azzi supposed to articulate this to Caroline, who doesn’t truly understand the depth of her and Paige’s relationship? Nobody understands. The only person who would is Paige, and well. She can’t talk to her.
“It’s complicated,” Azzi decides on. She’s really gotten good at the avoidant trope, hasn’t she?
Azzi feels Caroline’s arm tighten around her, most likely out of annoyance. Azzi can tell Caroline’s trying her best to be supportive, but she’s walking a fine line.
“I know it’s complicated. Everyone does,” Caroline says, voice a little firmer. “But it’s gotten to the point of affecting the team, and everyone’s worried. You can’t play right now, so you’re free to mope around all you want,” Caroline pokes Azzi’s arm in a playful manner, “but have you even seen Paige? Not to be rude, but she looks miserable all the time.”
Her voice goes quiet again. “And I’m not blaming you, but it’s clearly connected. I haven’t seen her crack a joke or make fun of someone, or even laugh in days, Azzi. Paige not laughing is like the sun not shining.” A dry laugh. “Coach has pulled her aside after almost every practice, and she comes back into the locker room looking even more resigned.”
Azzi’s heart hurts. She wishes Caroline would stop listing all the things she’s noticed are off with Paige, because Azzi’s not blind. She’s been seeing them too, but it hurts realizing how obvious it is to everyone else, how obvious it is that it’s her fault. Azzi never wants to be the source of Paige’s pain, but now she is. She misses her best friend. She misses happy Paige. She misses happy Azzi too, as pathetic as it feels. Everything feels wrong.
Azzi has to stop Caroline before she continues.
“Stop it, Carol,” she sniffs. “I’m not blind, I can see it.” Her voice breaks. “It’s all my fault.” She’s crying harder now. Her chest feels tight and breathing is hard.
Caroline is back in mom mode. “Shh, it’s okay sweetie. I’ll stop.” She rubs her hand up and down Azzi’s arm, letting her cry it out.
A few minutes pass while Azzi lies in Caroline’s arms, silence enveloping them. The only sound in the room is of Azzi’s wet hiccups and sniffles. It’s pathetic. Azzi hates herself.
Eventually, Azzi uncurls herself from Caroline’s side, sitting up. She takes a deep breath, trying to settle herself.
“I’m sorry for…whatever that was. Thank you for being there for me, it means a lot.” A pause. “I’m also sorry I can’t really talk about it, it’s…personal.”
Caroline sits up so she’s back in line with Azzi. “It’s okay, don’t ever apologize for letting your emotions out. Trust me, I can tell this is a sensitive topic, but Azzi, you really need to talk to Paige. And soon.”
Azzi is frustrated, but it’s not directed at Caroline. She’s delivering a message Azzi knows she needs to hear, but has avoided accepting it. “I know, I will.” It comes out harsher than she means it to, but now it’s out there in the open, and she can’t take it back.
“Do you know? Cuz Azzi I’m not sure you do,” Caroline fires back, standing up.
“It’s not like that– Carol, I’m sorry,” Azzi pleads. This has all gone from 0-100 in the blink of an eye, and once again, it’s Azzi’s fault.
“No, stop apologizing Azzi, seriously.” Caroline gives her a pointed look. “It means jack shit if you don’t do anything about it. Make it up to me by talking to Paige. About what? Hell if I know, but clearly you do.” She throws her hands out at Azzi, exasperated.
Azzi can feel herself getting defensive, picturing her knees bent low and her hands up like she’s locking up an opponent on the court.
“Easy for you to say, you’re not the one dealing with all this shit,” Azzi’s voice is progressively getting louder.
Caroline groans and rolls her eyes. “Yeah, well I don’t even know what ‘all this shit’ refers to because you won’t fucking tell me. If you can’t talk to me of all people, then I’m at a loss.” Caroline moves to pick her purse off the counter, heading to the door to leave, clearly over this conversation that isn’t going anywhere.
Before Azzi can continue to defend herself, Caroline speaks again. “And for god’s sake, TALK TO PAIGE!”
Azzi feels herself breaking for the second time tonight.
“Well I can’t talk to Paige about it because I’m in love with her and I don’t know what to do about it anymore,” Azzi shouts back.
Oh, shit.