Chapter Text
Mel is sitting on the stairway hugging her knees to her chest. She has her eyes clenched shut, and she’s playing white noise at the loudest volume in her airpods. Which is terrible for her hearing, but she doesn’t have it in her to care. She hasn’t smoked since college, so Mel supposes this is just another unhealthy vice that she partakes in to feel better the way everyone else does.
The best case scenario for situations like this is that Mel feels like she’s floating. If she folds in on herself enough then she’ll begin to feel like the environment around her has disappeared, and whatever she’s feeling will begin to fall away from her.
It’s lingering today, though, and everything is too much. It’s why Mel has switched from her usual decompression playlist to white noise. Usually loud and fun music is the perfect distraction, but today she needs deprivation.
Mel flinches at the light tap on her shoulder. She turns around to see Samira, whose eyes widen as she realises how upset Mel is.
“Sorry, Mel, I didn’t mean to scare you there,” she says as Mel takes out her airpods. “I was talking, but your volume was really loud.”
“It’s okay, I’m fine. Physical contact usually helps me anyway, when it’s people I trust.”
“Oh, okay,” Samira says, looking relieved.
“Heavier is better, though,” Mel adds.
“Good to know.” Samira sits down beside her. “Robby wanted to know if you were okay.”
Mel shrugs. “I messed up and he died. I don’t think I should be okay.”
“Mel, you did everything you could. We all did. There was no way we could clear her airway.”
They had a thirty year old man brought into trauma one. He had broken his neck in a car accident. Logically, Mel knows there wasn’t something she could have done differently. Garcia had lingered, ready to start surgery as soon as he had been stabilised, but Mel’s examinations had made the haemorrhaging in his neck worsen. In the end they couldn’t do anything without worsening his condition, and after sixteen painful and frantic minutes Robby had called time of death.
Some days that was just how it happened. It didn’t matter what they did or how well they did it. It was days like that where she most understood why Dana, Whitaker, Robby and Perlah clung to their religion. But Mel hadn’t been raised with religion, and any spiritual part of her had shrivelled up and died in two stages as she sat by her dying parents in hospital. She wonders if the doctors that had treated them had curled in on themselves the way she did now. For a moment as she treated him, her father’s face appeared over his face like a veil, and Mel had hoped her hands weren’t shaking enough for anyone to notice the legitimate terror she felt at the prospect of losing him. They didn’t even look anything alike, their only similarities being that they were men who died surrounded by scrambling doctors. She was being completely irrational and inappropriate. Seventy-two percent of car accidents involve a man, and that the fatality rates are far higher for men. But fatalities in car accidents were far more rare for people after their early twenties. Mel’s father was in his thirties when he died too.
Mel doesn’t move, and Samira stays next to her. “Do you want to go in triage for the last couple of hours?”
Mel knows she’s supposed to say no. She's supposed to power through it and ignore any of the cloying negative thoughts that come through. But the thought of watching another person die today makes her want to be sick, so she nods, her eyes fixed directly in front of her.
“Okay. I'll let Dennis know and you guys can switch. Are you going to be okay being alone tonight when you leave?”
Mel nods. “I think I need to be alone.”
Samira smiles comfortingly. “Call if you need me. I’m not in tomorrow, so I can come over if you change your mind.”
“I’m not in either. I think I’ll be fine, but if that changes tomorrow I’ll tell you.”
Mel must look awful, because Samira never really makes plans outside of work. But she nods and leaves Mel alone, squeezing her shoulder tightly before she goes. Mel sits like that for another few minutes, before going back out to help. She gets a nod from Robby and smiles from Samira and Whitaker, and that’s enough to reassure her for the rest of her shift.
***
As soon as Mel gets inside, she kicks her shoes off and makes a beeline for her laptop. She types out a panicked email to Roboto, one that probably doesn’t make all that much sense and scrolls through Netflix to try and find a movie she would want to put on to distract herself. She lands on My Neighbour Totoro, which she’s probably seen at least forty times (it’s another of Becca’s favourites, but she loves it too) so she pauses it at the beginning before taking a shower.
Mel turns the water up to its highest heat and lets it wash over her for a few minutes. She always does this after bad shifts. It feels as though she’s burning the bad experiences out of her, and when she gets out of the shower she feels raw and free from everything that happened earlier.
Showering helps, and rewatching Totoro helps. Mel’s in a pair of pyjamas she’s had since high school, and she combs through her loose hair as the movie goes on. She’s not made any plans with Becca for tomorrow, but she sends a text over anyway to see if she wants to meet. She hasn’t seen her for a while, anyway. It’s been, what, a week? Mel hasn’t gone that long without seeing Becca since July.
Mel: Hey, do you want to do something tomorrow? I’ve had a bad week and I’d really like to see you. We could do a movie night? 🙂
Becca responds a few minutes later.
Becca: it’s adam’s dad’s birthday tomorrow so i’m going to be at their party
Becca: they have a room there for me if i want quiet they’re the best!
Mel swallows the lump in her throat.
Mel: You never told me about that 🙁
Becca: sorry i didn’t think i had to
Becca: do you want to come?
Mel sighs. She doesn’t really, since she doesn’t know Adam’s family and the thought of having to be Becca’s guest around strangers all day makes her feel queasy. She also doesn’t know how much Becca wants her there, given that she only mentioned it when Mel pushed.
Mel: It’s okay, have fun!
Mel: I can see you on Sunday and you can tell me about it?
Becca: yay!!
Mel grimaces, and she tries to focus on the movie again.
Adam’s family is rich. Like, could-help-Adam-and-Becca-get-their-own-place rich. Could-pay-for-Becca’s-care rich. And from the way Adam’s talked about them, Mel knows they probably will end up doing that eventually, whenever Becca and Adam want to move in together or get married. She has his parents’ numbers, and they told her to let them know if paying for the center ever became too much on top of student loan debt or paying her own rent.
They’re just very nice, and it makes Mel want to scream from frustration.
Becca and Adam have been dating for eight months now, and Mel is still figuring out where she fits into everything. Because Mel’s life is Becca’s life, and now that she’s spending more time alone she’s still picking up the pieces to try and figure out how to exist outside of her sister.
Maybe Totoro was a bad choice, given all this, and Mel finds herself tearing up as she watches the sisters in that movie. It makes her think about her and Becca when they were younger, and she clicks out of it.
She refreshes her emails, and sees no new notifications. Which is fine.
***
Mel sleeps for eleven hours, and only starts to wake up at nine thirty. It’s later than she’s slept in months, and she blindly reaches for her phone. Her chest tightens when she sees texts Becca had sent while she was still asleep.
Becca: adam says i can stay over tonight and i don’t want to do two things tomorrow so can i see you on monday?
Mel groans into her pillow.
Mel: That’s okay! Have a good night, text me if you change your mind 🙂
For once, Mel is craving a drink. She thinks about Samira’s offer to spend time with her, and the fact that Santos has never turned down an offer to go to a bar.
To: Samira Mohan and Trinity Santos
Mel: Are either of you around tonight?
Mel: Do you want to do something?
Trinity: yes
Trinity: do you want to drink?
Mel: Yes
Trinity: everything okay? that isn’t like you
Mel: Bad week
Samira: yeah it’s been hard this week
Samira: i’d be happy to join!
Trinity: can i invite dennis?
Mel: Yeah sure
Trinity Santos added Dennis Whitaker
Mel: would victoria want to come as well?
Trinity Santos added Victoria Javadi
Victoria: omg hi
Victoria: i actually can’t leave the house rn i’ have to study for my psych rotation
Trinity: shit sorry
Victoria: it’s ok!!!
Dennis: sure, sounds fun
Trinity: karaoke?
Dennis: i’m not singing
Trinity: fine i’ll pick a bar
Mel likes the message and hauls herself out of bed. She goes through her usual routine for when she’s off; she eats, makes herself a chamomile tea, and makes a list of things she should get through. Mel assumes tomorrow won’t be as productive, seeing as she’s planning on staying out longer than she usually does, and that she’s actually drinking. Once she’s done all of that, Mel tentatively goes back to her bedroom and opens her laptop again to check her emails.
She has one unread one.
Mel opens it carefully, not even wanting to be reminded of what she said in her overwhelmed and frustrated state last night.
From: [email protected]
Grey,
I hope you feel better by the time you read this. I’m writing this in the middle of the night, which I’ve actually done before. Usually I send my replies in the morning because for some reason it’s important to me that you think I have a good sleep schedule, but I have a feeling you’ll want a response soon. It’s probably stupid anyway, since I don't even know what timezone you’re in.
I’m glad you emailed me, Grey. My therapist says writing down all your thoughts and going through them is a good way to figure out how you’re feeling. It can be cathartic too, I think. I’m trying to get my kids to do that more, but they’re at the age where that type of stuff is boring. I think they have my energy levels and attention spans, which really isn’t good.
You said something about being needed. I think I can understand that feeling, and I’m kind of able to look at it from the other side now. Recently I’ve needed to rely on people a lot more and I think I’m a lot less steady and reliable than I was. Or maybe I was never that reliable, and I was just faking it or burning myself out the whole time. Anyway, it sucked for a while, because in my head I was so used to being the one who fixed things. Getting help sucks, but it lets you know how many people care about you. I guess there’s always a bright side, right?
It’s 3am and my kids will be up in three hours, so I‘m going to send this and go to sleep. I’m not taking any criticism on my sleep schedule. I probably have insomnia, but I have at least three other conditions I need to deal with right now so I don’t need to think about it.
I hope you have a better day today, Grey. You seem like a genuinely good person, so I’m sorry that you had to deal with whatever’s happening. Letting people help sucks but it’s probably worth it in the end. I’ll let you know. (Or you can let me know if you get your life together before I do.)
- Roboto
Mel smiles as she reads his email. She takes her laptop over to her couch and turns on her TV and puts on some old game show reruns as background noise as she types out her reply.
Roboto is probably the easiest person to talk to in Mel’s life. It’s not as if he’ll react badly in real time, and if Mel messes up and he decides he doesn’t want to speak to her anymore it’ll probably be a mostly painless process. He’s really a glorified diary. A very sweet diary.
From: [email protected]
Roboto,
I don’t want to think about what I sent last night. I had a really bad day at work and I was overwhelmed, so I don’t think I put any thought into it. If it was super embarrassing and didn’t make any sense then I’m very sorry.
Work was bad, and stuff is kind of awkward with my sister right now as well. I think I’m in a weird headspace, but that isn’t your responsibility to deal with. I’m sorry if I worried you or kept you up, I’m fine.
I have a sleep app I use when I have bad nights. Do you want me to send it over? I don’t know if it works for everyone, I know one of my coworkers tried it and said it didn’t help him, but it could be worth checking out?
That’s an interesting perspective on needing people. I actually don’t know if I need to be needed, I spend a lot of time alone and I think that’s definitely where I feel most comfortable. It’s something to think about though, I guess.
Roboto, I’m going to call in my favour. I have plans tonight, but I want a distraction for tomorrow when I’ll be tired and hungover. Give me something to distract myself with. A movie, a show, a book, something to research, anything. I promise I won’t judge your pick.
- Grey
By the time Samira texts to say she’s on the way to Mel’s, Mel has been ready for almost two hours. She had carefully selected her outfit after looking up the bar Trinity had suggested and finding something that seemed appropriate for it. She landed on a navy strappy top that she hadn’t worn in years and a pair of low waisted jeans. She had gone out to buy some makeup and had got ready more quickly than she had expected. She coated her eyes with navy eyeliner before blending it out and applying silver glitter over the lids. Mel had sat on her couch, scrolling through her phone and drumming her fingers against her armchair until Samira gets in touch.
She gets up and grabs her bag, checking at least four times that she has her phone, purse and keys, and stands outside to wait.
When the car pulls up, Samira opens the door to the backseat and grins up at her. “Hey!”
“Hi,” Mel says, climbing in beside her. “You look amazing.”
“Thank you,” Samira says, flushing. She’s wearing a short floral print burgundy dress, and Mel suddenly feels underdressed in comparison. “I love your jeans.”
“Oh, thank you! I bought them before my student discount expired,” Mel smiles.
“They really suit you. God, it’s weird seeing people out of scrubs,” she says, leaning back. “Is it weird that I’m kind of nervous for this?”
Mel sighs from relief. “No, I thought it was just me that was nervous.”
Samira laughs. “I’ve not been out for drinks in over a year. I know my tolerance will be gone.”
“My tolerance is terrible as well, and I know Santos’s is too.”
Samira smiles at her, bemused. “We’re friends, Mel. You can call all of us by our first names.”
Mel can feel herself begin to blush. “Oh. Sorry, I have a hard time knowing that if I’m not explicitly told.”
“It’s okay, I get it. But we’re all friends with you, and it’s important that you know that.”
Mel smiles. “Thank you.”
Samira raises an interesting point. Mel thinks about this, and wonders how many friends she might have had over the years that she didn’t know about.
Is Roboto her friend? She calls him that to other people, sure, but that’s mostly to avoid confusion. Is Langdon her friend?
“Hey!” Santos- Trinity says, waving the two of them over to the booth her and Dennis have locked down. “The drinks are really expensive here, so someone needs to go flirt with a bartender or something.”
Dennis smiles shyly as Mel slides into the seat next to him. He has a nearly empty cocktail in front of him, and he’s twisting the glass around in his hand. “I’m not doing it.”
Samira glances over at the bar. “One of them is kind of cute. I can try?”
Mel just nods, sinking into her seat slightly. She hasn’t been to a bar in a while, and had forgotten about how loud they were.
“I’m okay paying for this round. Can someone help me carry them?”
Trinity grins. “I love going out with you, Melatonin.”
Her and Samira go up, with Samira batting her eyelashes at the bartender as they order. The total is less than Mel had expected, and she isn’t sure if Trinity was being dramatic about the prices or if Samira is just that good.
“You should give him your number,” Mel says as they walk back to their table.
“Maybe. Sometimes it’s just fun to flirt without it needing to go anywhere.”
This is not an opinion Mel shares. Samira must see this on her face, because she laughs a little.
“I promise it can be fun. It doesn’t need to be serious, and if it goes badly you’ll never see these people again. I only do it for free stuff, I’m really not interested in the dating side of things.”
“I don’t know.” They’ve reached the table, and Mel slides back in next to Dennis. “It’s scary. And it never goes well.”
“How often do you do it?” Samira asks, raising her eyebrows as she sips her drink.
Mel feels her face heat up. “Um. Sometimes.”
“What are you talking about?” Dennis asks.
“Flirting,” Samira says. “It apparently never goes well for Mel.”
“That just means you need to get some practice in,” Trinity says, smirking at Mel. “Jesus, these are strong.”
“It’s fine, it’s really not my thing. Becca’s the one who can do it.”
“Why can’t you?” Samira asks with genuine curiosity.
Mel doesn’t really have an answer. In her head there are Mel tasks and Becca tasks, and they are separated by clear lines. But she knows this is illogical and they’ll probably tell her this is stupid, so she redirects the conversation.
“Samira got us free drinks.” She shoves her straw into her mouth, and manages to get through half of her drink in one go. Trinity’s right, they really are strong. But after a few minutes she starts to feel the room get quieter. Suddenly talking isn’t as hard, and Mel is contributing to the conversation in ways she never usually did.
“What’s going on with Garcia?” she asks abruptly.
Trinity raises her eyebrows. “What’s with the third degree?”
“I want to know, and you’ve never said. Are you dating or what?”
Trinity makes a sound that’s half laugh and half cough. “Um, kind of?”
Mel frowns. “What does that mean?”
“I’ve asked the same thing many times,” Dennis says under his breath.
“Butt out, Huckleberry. It means we’re not exclusive or in a relationship, but we see each other.”
“So you’re dating but not girlfriends?”
“Pretty much.”
“That sounds unnecessarily confusing. Why are you doing that?”
Trinity shrugs, looking lost for words for once. “I don’t know, it’s easier. Who’s getting the next round?”
“I think it’s my turn,” Dennis sighs. “Samira, can you come? I want the discount again.”
Samira grins wickedly. “I think Mel should go.”
Mel chokes on her drink, which she had just started to down before they got new ones. “No, we want them discounted and that bartender likes you.”
“This’ll be good practice,” Samira smiles. “Flirt with a bartender, or see if there’s someone at the bar who’ll buy you guys drinks.”
“I like this idea. Huckleberry can practice too,” Trinity adds.
“I can flirt!” Dennis protests.
Trinity gives him an unconvinced look. “I think practicing is a good idea.”
He groans, and gestures for Mel to get up. “We’re getting these drinks for free. Just to shut you two up.”
Samira and Trinity grin, and their expressions are scarily similar. Mel smiles back, but it probably ends up just looking like a grimace as she follows Dennis. They stop a little bit before the bar.
“Okay, do we see any viable bartenders?” he asks.
There’s the guy that likes Samira, and there’s a bored looking blonde woman pouring some drinks next to him. At the far end of the bar there’s a guy who looks to be in his mid twenties with fluffy black hair.
“I think anyone other than Samira’s guy would work,” Mel says. “Who would go for us, do you think?”
Dennis chews his lip, lost in thought. “The girl looks more disinterested, so that’s maybe more of a challenge. Do you think the guy at the end is into men?”
“You can flirt with the girl, if that’ll make you more comfortable,” Mel says quickly. “You know, if you actually want to flirt with someone you like rather than just for free drinks.”
An incredulous grin spreads across Dennis’s face. “Mel, you know I’m gay, right?”
Mel did not. “Oh. I just assumed… I mean, are you not dating that woman with the farm?”
“Amy?” Dennis asks, laughing. “No. We’re just friends.”
“But Trinity made jokes about it.” Dennis is still laughing, and Mel blushes. “I had a reason to think that!” she says indignantly.
“You did, don’t worry. She makes jokes because she thinks it’s weird and inappropriate but she doesn’t want to talk about it like a normal person.”
“Right,” she says, looking down at her shoes.
“And even if I did have a thing with Amy, I could still flirt with the guy. Bi people exist.”
“Well, I know that,” she says. “I’m bi.”
Dennis beams. “Cool. You take the middle, I take the end? We can divide and conquer.” He holds out his hand for Mel to shake, and she smiles as she grips it. “Good luck, King.”
Mel finds herself stood behind a couple, and she pointedly ignores the wistful feeling that is beginning to claw its way through her chest. The man buys two cocktails, and his hand slips around the woman’s waist. Mel’s throat tightens as she watches her inch closer to him, before she politely looks away. She doesn’t want to creep them out.
Once they pay and move away, Mel smiles and walks up to the counter.
“Hi,” she says, and her voice comes out much more highly pitched than usual.
The woman raises an eyebrow ever so slightly. Her hair is dyed platinum with some darkness starting to show at the roots, and she has very impressive smoky eye makeup around grey eyes.
“What can I get you?” she asks, raising her voice so it can be heard over the conversations surrounding them.
Mel glances over at Dennis. He’s smiling and resting his forearms on the bar, looking up at the guy. The bartender follows Mel’s gaze, and Mel sharply looks back at her.
“You’re really pretty,” Mel says, the words tumbling out quickly and stiltedly. Then, realising she probably looks terrified, she smiles and leans forward the way Dennis is.
The bartender smiles bemusedly. “Why do you sound like you’re being forced to say this at gunpoint?”
“I’m not! I really like your makeup,” Mel says weakly. When the bartender just continues to stare her down, Mel sighs. “Okay, I do think you’re very pretty, but my friends are forcing me to practice flirting with people because I’m bad at it. I’ve never really done it, and it always looks so awkward to me. My friend managed to get us cheap drinks, so they wanted me to try it with someone at the bar. Sorry.”
Shockingly, the bartender laughs. “Don’t be sorry.” And then she leans forward, and she looks down at Mel. From this angle, Mel notices that she has a lot of piercings in her ear, and she smells faintly of florals. “What are you having?”
Mel orders, and tries not to feel dejected as she glances back at their table. Trinity and Samira have their backs to her, so it’s not as if they’ve seen her fail at it, but it still stings.
“Here you go,” the bartender says once she’s made them, placing all of the drinks down in front of Mel. “And don’t be so nervous next time. I think you got in your head.” She hands Mel a napkin, winking. When Mel looks down at it, her breath catches in her throat. It has a phone number on it.
“Really?” she asks, incredulously.
“Yeah, you’re cute. I’m Thea, by the way.”
Mel smiles. “Hi. I’m Mel.”
“Hey, Mel.” Thea looks completely at ease, as though this is the most straightforward thing in the world. Her smile is relaxed and easy.
Mel rifles around in her purse for her card. “How much do I owe you?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Oh.” Mel feels a warmth glow through her whole body. “Thank you.”
“I’ll speak to you soon, Mel,” Thea says, and Mel watches her eyes trace her whole body up and down. Belatedly, she realises she’s being checked out.
Thea moves on to another customer, and Mel gestures for Dennis to come over. He looks back at his bartender and says something to him, before joining Mel.
“Hey, you got drinks!”
“Yep,” Mel says, grinning. “Can you help carry them?”
“Gladly. How much did you pay?”
“I got them for free,” Mel says, and she’s a little offended when Dennis stumbles from surprise. “It’s not that weird that I got them, is it?”
“No, it’s just that four cocktails in here are expensive. Was it the bartender that got you them?”
“Her name is Thea,” Mel says as they approach the table.
“Who’s that?” Samira asks.
“The bartender over there.” Mel gestures vaguely in the direction of the bar. “She gave me her number.”
Trinity and Samira both shriek in surprise, grabbing each other’s arms in excitement and bouncing up and down in their seats.
“Oh my god, Mel!” Trinity yells. Mel begins to wonder if she really needed another cocktail. Trinity is reaching karaoke levels of drunk. She’s about to point this out, when she looks across the room and sees a very familiar figure sitting at a table with a woman.
“Is that Langdon?” she asks. If Mel had thought about it, she would maybe have considered that pointing a drunk Trinity in the direction of Langdon in a bar isn’t the best idea.
“Where?” Trinity asks, whipping her head around with a ferocity she only reserves for patients she really hates at work.
Definitely not Mel’s best idea.
“No, let’s leave him. I think that's his wife.”
“Shit,” Samira hisses. “Guys, that isn’t Abby.”
“Fuck,” Dennis whispers. “Abby’s his wife, right?”
“Yeah, she’s been in the hospital before. I met her a couple of years ago. That’s definitely not her.”
Trinity is already standing up, and Samira grabs her arm to yank her back down.
“I’m so talking to him. He doesn’t get to do this. What the fuck is wrong with him?”
“It might not be anything!” Mel says, straightening her posture when everyone looks at her. “Maybe this isn’t a date? They might be friends.”
Dennis and Samira nod slowly, but Trinity just crosses her arms and continues to glare across the room. “I don’t know. They look a little close for friends.”
Mel very pointedly doesn’t point out the way Dennis and Trinity act with each other. She’s definitely seen them sit that close, and she knows the two of them go out together to places similar to this.
“I’ll talk to him,” Mel says. “And if I need any backup Trinity can help.”
Trinity looks like she’s about to protest, but Mel’s pretty sure she sees Dennis kick her from under the table.
“Good idea,” Samira says, looking between Trinity and Langdon warily. “Are you sure you’re okay going yourself?”
Mel looks over at his table. The woman laughs, and she can see her brush her leg against his. The bar suddenly feels very loud and very hot, and Mel nods.
As she walks over, Mel tries to ignore the stares burning their way into her back. Instead she solely focuses on Frank’s table, clenching her fists and digging her nails into her skin. When she makes it to the table, her words catch in her throat so Mel just stands there helplessly for a few moments. The woman notices her first.
“Can I help you?” she asks, frowning. She’s really pretty. She’s tall and has shiny and curly dark hair.
When Frank looks up, his eyes wide in panic. “Hey, Mel,” he says, smiling uncomfortably. “This is Katy.”
“Hi,” Mel says, waving at Katy and smiling. “We work together.”
“Right,” Katy says, her smile tight and forced.
“Doctor Langdon, can I talk to you? Just for a second?”
Langdon looks pained as he nods at Mel and stiltedly stands up. “Sorry. I’ll be right back,” he says to Katy, whose frown deepens.
“Can we go outside?” Mel asks. "I can't really hear.”
“Sure,” Langdon says, gesturing for Mel to lead the way. When they reach the front door, Langdon opens it for her. People are smoking and talking outside, so it isn’t completely silent, but it’s an improvement.
Langdon reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. “Do you want one?” he asks, holding it out to Mel.
But she isn’t looking at the cigarettes. She’s looking at his hand, where there’s a notable absence of a wedding ring.
“Oh my god,” Mel says under her breath. “Frank, are you on a date? Where’s your ring?”
He groans. “Yes, but I swear to god, Mel, it’s not what it looks like. We’re divorced, I just kept wearing my ring until recently. I can show you emails from my lawyer if you need proof or whatever.”
Mel takes a breath, and Langdon takes the opportunity to light himself a cigarette.
“Okay. I don’t need to see the emails. But if you're divorced, why did you still wear your ring at work?”
He laughs bitterly. “Come on, Mel. If I turned up at work after rehab without a ring what would all of you have thought? It’s hard enough knowing that Robby and Santos still see me as an addict and a criminal, I didn’t need everyone thinking that my wife left me over it too.”
“I wouldn’t have thought that,” Mel points out quietly.
“I know,” he sighs. “But you’re the exception.”
“I don’t think I am. Do you actually think that everyone else would think that?”
Langdon takes a long drag of his cigarette. “Honestly, I do. Because I know I would probably think that if I was in the same position.”
He’s leaning against a wall, and Mel moves so she’s next to him. She slumps against it, tilting her face up so she’s looking at the sky. “How long have you been divorced?”
“A couple of weeks. We’ve been separated for a year, though.”
Mel looks at him, frowning. “Since before you came back?”
“Yeah. Honestly, rehab probably put it off. Abby wanted to stay together through it, so I asked for a divorce and pushed for everything. I didn’t want her to stay for however much longer just because she didn’t want me to relapse.”
“That sounds like it would have been hard. Especially on top of getting sober.”
“It was,” Langdon says simply, taking another drag of his cigarette.
When he doesn’t elaborate, Mel nods. “Right. I’ll let the others know.”
“Others?” he asks, looking back at Mel warily. “Who?”
Shit. “Oh, I’m here with people from work.”
“Is Santos here?” Frank asks, looking close to horrified.
Mel swallows. “Yes. And Dennis and Samira. But I said I would talk to you, and they promised they wouldn’t jump to conclusions.”
“And you believe Santos?”
Mel glares at him. “Yes. The same way I would have believed you about your marriage.”
Langdon deflates under her stare. “You’re right. I’m being unfair. I understand how it looks.”
“Should we go back inside? I don’t want to ruin your date.”
“It’s okay.” He drops his cigarette and stands on it, extinguishing any stray ashes. “I’m sure it’ll be fine. There probably won’t be a second one.”
“Oh. I'm sorry, is that my fault?”
“No, I don’t think we’re very compatible.”
Mel nods, but the guilt still twinges inside of her. “I’m sorry you’re not having a better time, Doctor Langdon.”
He snorts. “Mel, you’re the third person I’ve told about the divorce. Excluding my family, I guess, but I didn’t really have a choice with that.”
“You’ve not told your friends?”
“I’ve told two friends, and now I’ve told you, so I guess that makes us friends too. Anyway, my point is that you can call me Frank. Especially outside the hospital.”
Mel smiles. “Okay, Frank.”
There’s an ease that comes with talking to him. Mel knows she’s been pushing herself lately, with her after work outings, so maybe this isn’t all that surprising. But Frank feels close in a way she already knows. Talking to him still isn’t easy, necessarily, but it is becoming rapidly less difficult. She feels safe the way she does with Trinity, Samira, and Roboto.
***
When Mel wakes up the next morning, it’s ten thirty and she has a dull pain behind her eyes. She sighs into her pillow, before hauling herself out of bed.
She really needs to call Becca, and since she doesn’t have anything else she needs to do today she can probably prepare some food to bring into the hospital for the rest of the week. But other than that, Mel is listless and free.
So she makes herself tea and opens up her laptop. Roboto had emailed just after midnight.
From: [email protected]
Grey,
I don’t think I realised how easy you are to talk to until I had to tell more people about some of my stuff. I’m sure the fact this is all online helps, but I want you to know you’re a really good listener. I don’t know very many people who are as good at this as you are.
Without going into it, people found out about the divorce. It was an uncomfortable conversation with a couple of them, but I think it was fine in the end. It means I can stop wearing the ring now, at least.
Work crush recommended a sleep app to me. It did not work.
Grey, I am so happy you asked for that favour. I want to tell you to rewatch every Star Wars thing ever, because I would love to know what you think about them, but I’ll just suggest that you rewatch the Skywalker saga. Watch 4, 5, 1, 2, 3, 6, and then the sequels. I think I went as Anakin Skywalker to every halloween party in college, and this was before it was cool to like Star Wars.
Obviously no pressure. But in my experience, they’re perfect distractions. I’ve rewatched them a lot over the last few months, and I like to think they’ve helped me.
I hope you’re feeling better than you did yesterday. How’s your sister doing? Family stuff can be really shitty, so if you need to talk about it I’m here. You aren’t worrying me, and I’m usually awake anyway. You’ve listened to all my shit, so just think of it as getting us even.
- Roboto
The emails had slipped so easily into Mel’s routine. Already she was wondering when to carve out time to reply to his emails in the mornings, and Mel feels herself smile softly as she begins to type out her reply.
From:[email protected]
Roboto,
I’m really sorry people found that out when you weren’t ready, and I’m sorry that it was uncomfortable. I can’t tell how you’re feeling about it. Do you still need to talk about it? If you do that’s totally fine, I’m always happy to listen to you. :)
It means a lot that you think I’m good at this stuff. I honestly don’t think I am, at least not in person. I never know if people want advice or not, and it’s really hard knowing what works for different people. I do try really hard, but I always feel like I don't come across the way I want to. Thank you for thinking otherwise!
Star Wars is an interesting suggestion. Please don’t hate me, but I’ve actually never seen them. I’m sorry! I’ve never been all that into sci-fi. A couple of my friends really like it, but they both say half of the movies are really bad so I’ve never really wanted to see any of them. I could do with a distraction, though, so maybe I can watch it and we can argue over emails about it like adults. If I manage to watch every movie and show, that means you need to watch every Lord of the Rings movie. Director’s cut, obviously. And then you have to watch Rings of Power.
My sister is doing great. She has friends and a boyfriend, and she’s a lot more independent now than she’s ever really been before. I don’t want to say too much for privacy, but she needs my help a lot less now than before. It’s not that I thought she was completely dependent on me, but her life is changing and growing so much and I had built mine around hers. She goes out so much now, and I can barely do it a few times a month. She has this really amazing long term relationship, and I’ve never had one. It’s frustrating, and she’s been blowing me off a lot more recently. But I don’t know how to approach it, because I won’t be able to communicate what I’m feeling well and when we argue she melts down and I shut down. It’s a frustrating situation, but I think I just need to push through it.
Thank you for asking about it. I don’t like people knowing I find some of this stuff hard, because I do genuinely love my sister and I don’t want people thinking I resent her or anything. I just miss her. She’s my best friend.
Thank you. I haven’t ever spoken about that before.
-Grey
To her surprise, Mel feels tears beginning to form. She blinks them back, remembering why she avoids talking about things like this with people, before getting off the couch and mechanically works through everything she had planned to do that day.
Her head is swirling with Becca. She had texted her when she had gotten home last night, but hasn’t got a reply yet. This isn’t all that unusual these days, but Mel’s chest sits heavy with the rejection. Her and Becca have got through a lot, but that was because they spoke to each other and understood each other. Because they were close.
People change. Mel knows this; she sees those drastic and instantaneous changes at work every day. But her and Becca were supposed to stay the same. They were pushing thirty, for god’s sake, and everything had been good up until now.
Mel sighs. She puts her lunches in the fridge and sinks onto the couch. She thinks she’ll have time to make it through A New Hope and write her next email.