Chapter Text
It's day three of searching, most of the crew had been acounted for, some were found dead, some were still alive, you were still missing.
Spock is devastated, but he looks normal to the outside eye, if more grumpy and serious than usual.
Guilt was eating away at him. Although Kirk told him several times that it wasn't his fault. And logically, Spock knew that he was right, it wasn't his fault... it had been an accident. An asteroid storm.
An accident. But you were on that ship because he asked you to leave the Enterprise. The Delta Green was a smaller, second contact ship, it was supposed to be safer. You were supposed to be safe.
And now you were missing.
Spock couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, y/n was all he could think about.
He felt like a jerk.
Doctor McCoy said that he was a jerk, sometimes, but he agreed with Jim saying that this whole situation wasn't his fault.
The search teams were still going out for most of the day looking for the few people that were still missing. They had found fifteen people out of the initial eighteen, six of them had been found dead.
Spock's heart almost jumped out of his body everytime a new person was found. First he felt a rush of adrenaline and hope, like sparks going all over his body and then... it all came crashing down, leaving him feeling more desperate and worried, even weak, like the smallest wisp of air could blow him away.
He also felt relieved sometimes, when the person found was dead and it wasn't you... he felt bad about it, but he couldn't help it.
Spock thought he would go crazy from turning the matter over and over in his mind.
And then it happened.
They found an empty escape pod that had crashed quite badly, there were a lot of debris and they found blood and tracks on the ground. The amount of blood was concerning but they were hopeful.
Then they saw a body on the ground, and Spock felt as if someone were ripping his heart out; he would have recognized you anywhere, and it pained him to see you laying there like you had fallen unconcious while you were trying to get away.
Spock and Doctor McCoy rushed to your side, you were injured, had lost a lot of blood and were dehidrated but you were still alive.
They found you and you were still alive.
He couldn't help to think that this was the moment when religious persons thanked whatever deity they believed in. But Spock wasn't religious, he was a man of logic and science, and still, he felt like he had to thank the universe for letting him find you when he was almost out of hope.
You woke up while they were taking you to the ship, you had put on a tourniquet on your mangled leg and that had stopped the blood, at least from that wound, but you still needed urgent care and to be treated properly.
You looked up to Spock and mutered his name, your eyes trying to focus on his face although you were so weak you could barely keep your eyes open. "Spock?"
"Hush Lieutenant, you need your strenght." He said while they hurriedly carried you to a zone where you could all be energized to the ship. Spock had a pressing urge to hold you tightly and keep you in his arms, but he knew that wasn't logical... you had to be treated for your wounds.
"For once I agree with him" said doctor McCoy while he was checking your vitals.
"Doc?" Y/n asked, her voice barely audible. "My, my leg's fucked up... I can't feel it anymore, haven't been able to for a while."
"I know, I know, I'm on it." McCoy said examining her wounds quickly and with great care. Spock wasn't the only one that had been worried about her.
"Major blood loss and dehidration... Im not even sure if I'm still alive Doc." Y/n said and laughed softly but she started coughing.
"Of course you're alive." The doctor said almost angrily. "And you're not authorized to die so don't even think about it."
"You're going to be fine." Spock said being barely able to get the words out, he felt like he was choking. "We got you Lieutenant."
"Spock... are you real?" Y/n asked trying to focus on him again.
Real?
"Yes, I am y/n Im here, Im here." He told her.
"I, I ashaya du Spock..."
(I love you)
He knew, of course he knew. You were always open and honest about your feelings, you told him you loved him everyday, even if he never said it back. He liked to think that he was good at showing you that he loved you. But he never said it. Why did he never just tell you?
I love you too y/n.
You were unconcious again.
...
Spock refused to leave your side while the doctors treated you, he had to be forcefully removed from the room, but they let him stay right outside.
Kirk stayed with him until doctor McCoy came out and told them that you were fine and stable, you just needed to get your strenght back, and you'll have to do some physiotherapy for your leg. But you were going to be fine.
They had found you. And you were going to be fine.
You were still asleep when they finally let Spock see you, but he wanted to be there to make sure you were allright and he wanted to be there when you woke up. He stayed until you regained consciousness.
"Spock?" She said smiling softly.
"Y/n." He said relieved holding her hand. "How do you feel? Do you remember what happened?" Spock asked.
"The ship suffered damage beyond repair and we had to evacuate, my, my capsule was damaged and I crashed quite violently; my leg -she looked for her leg and found it propped up and with a cast on- my leg was severly injured..."
"Don't worry, they could salvage it," he assured her, "you're going to be fine, 76% chances of total recovery. What happened after you crashed?" Spock asked squeezing her hand.
"The planets geography were I landed was interfering whit my comms, I did my best to move into a zone were I could have better signal but nothing was working..." y/n said and took a deep breath in before she kept talking, "I was coming in and out of concious, I even saw you several times, I would hear your voice... I must have been hallucinating, I wasn't sure of what was real." She said.
"You must have been," Spock agreed, "hallucinating I mean, at least till we found you, then I was real, you were conscious for barely a minute... you asked me if I was real."
"Did you told me to shut up?" Y/n asked teasing him, her voice was faking annoyance but she was smiling, her hand still holding his.
"I told you to keep your strength." Spock said not being able to hide a little smile. He was always smiling around her.
"Well, thank you commander." She said.
"I love you t/n." Spock said suddenly. "I do, I was sure that you knew, that you still know how I feel about you even if I don't usually express it verbally..."
"I do Spock, I know." She said, her eyes softening.
"The way you understand me and love me, how you let me love you in my own way without pressure or demanding me to be more human, are part of the many reasons why you're so dear to me." Spock said and kissed y/n's hand. "But the idea of losing you... that your last words would be telling me that you loved me without ever hearing it back from me..." his voice cracked a little, "that deeply troubled me. As did the fact that, its because of me that you were in this dangerous situation... although I logically know that neither the accident nor the ship destruction were my fault... you were in that ship because I asked you to leave the enterprice and I feel so... guilty, although its not logicall at all, I cannot help it, even now that you are safe."
"I was very upset about that Spock, as I let you know," y/n said, "but I understood, it can be hard working together, specially here, we get in some tricky and dangerous situations in wich our strong feelings for each other can alter our way of thinking and our actions, our priorities... and I know that can be especially difficult to deal with for you. I could have refused and stayed on the Enterprise, but I agreed right? It was ultimately my choice, it wasn't your fault, I dont hold any ill feelings towards you for what happened."
Spock sighed feeling somewhat relieved, but the knots on his stomach wouldn't go away. "Still... I feel the need to tell you that Im sorry y/n, will you forgive me?" He asked her.
"There's nothing to forgive you for Spock, I told you it wasn't your fault, we both know it." She told him.
"Then forgive me, for being like this." Spock said feeling troubled. "I'm aware that being in a relationship with me can be... difficult, due to my vulcan side."
"Listen to me Spock," she said letting go of his hand to hold his face and look him in the eye, "I love you, just the way you are. I fell in love with you, not with your human half or the vulcan one, with you as a whole, I love every part of you." She said and kissed him.
Spock smiled against her lips and kissed her back, deepening the kiss, cradling her face. He loved her, he loved her so much.
"My ashayam, taluhk nash-veh k'dular, I love you, I love you tal-kam." Spock said reverently between kisses.
...
"Now you have to transfer back to the enterprice." Spock said calmly, like they were talking about the weather.
"What?" Y/n asked perplexed, not quite believing what he had just said.
"But first I'll take persmission to shore leave until you are completely recovered." He continued saying in his usual monotonous tone.
You asked him if he wouldn't prefer for you to go to another ship, since the difficulties from before, about his and your feelings potentially getting in the way of their work or mission, still remained.
"Being away from you while you were in danger was the most distressing time of my life y/n." Spock said honestly. "Can I asume it would be the same way for you if I was in such a situation and you were unable to reach me?" He asked.
"Yes..." she answered.
"Then it's illogical for us to be apart." Spock said holding y/n's hand.
"I see no fault in that statement commander." She smiled.
...