Chapter Text
Normandy, Captain’s quarters
Jane heard a soft knocking on her door and looked up from the report she was studying on the datapad in her hand.
“Come in.” she called, leaning back in her chair and running her hands over her tired eyes and through her still damp hair from the shower she’d taken a few minutes before. She knew she should get some rest soon.
After the events on the Citadel she felt more than exhausted and she would love to crawl into her soft bed with the warm blankets and sleep for a week or two but she was too afraid of what she might find waiting for her in her dreams.
She’d had the nightmare of the dark forest several times in the past weeks, it wasn’t so much the chase through the forest or the Reaper that seemed to haunt her along the thick and burned trees, it was the face of the child she encountered every time, the silent reminder of what she had lost.
The door opened and Liara came in holding a small box in her hand as she greeted her with a smile.
“I thought you would like to know that Dr. Chakwas and Major Alenko came aboard the Normandy an hour ago. Dr. Chakwas immediately went to the medbay with a lot of new supplies and Major Alenko has settled himself in the Starboard Observatory.”
Jane smiled a soft smile at the news. “I knew he would like that room.”
“I’m still surprised that you offered him a position aboard the Normandy after…” Liara left the rest hanging, the whole crew already knew what had happened on the plateau.
Jane sighed and gestured toward the couch for Liara to sit down and settled herself opposite the asari. She’d expected that her team would be somewhat reluctant to welcome Kaidan back after everything that had happened so far.
James had reacted fairly neutral to the news that Kaidan would return to the Normandy. Since he was new to the crew anyway and he had fought alongside Kaidan on Earth which made them some kind of battle buddies he’d said. but Liara, Garrus and probably Joker too would
Joker too was fine with it after he’d pointed out that pulling a gun at their Commander was against the number one rule of the Normandy and Kaidan should better not forget this in the future. She was convinced that Joker would find more than one opportunity to remind Kaidan of it during their journey, but the two of them had been very close friends back on the SR-1 so a little teasing from Joker wouldn’t hurt Kaidan. And he had pointed a gun at her, so he kind of deserved it.
Liara and Garrus on the other hand weren’t so easy on the subject, they hadn’t openly question her decision but they seemed a little less enthusiastic about it.
“If you have a problem with Kaidan, spit it out.” Jane said straightforwardly and Liara blinked in surprise.
“I don’t have a problem with him. I’m just a little worried that's all.” Liara said defensively
“Worried about what?” Jane said leaning back and crossing her arms over her chest.“Go on.”
“Alright.” Liara said looking up to meet Jane’s steady gaze. “I don’t want to see you getting hurt again.”
“You think he will turn on me again?” she asked mildly surprised at Liara’s uncharacteristic forwardness.
“No, even a blind man would be able to see what he feels for you. It’s written all over his face everytime he looks at you, he hasn’t changed a bit in the last three years.” Liara said shaking her head. “You’re not better by the way.” she teased, a smirk forming on her lips when Jane shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Was it really so obvious?
“Anyway.” Liara went on.”I’ve seen you after Horizon and I’ve witnessed what happened to you on Mars. Kaidan is your soft spot and I’m afraid that your enemies will find out, if Cerberus hasn’t already figured it out somehow. If something happens to him you will snap again and next time you might not come back so easily.”
This wasn’t what she had expected and it took Jane a moment to process this kind of information. Was it true? Was Kaidan her weakness? To answer these questions she only had to think back on the way Kaidan had crumpled on the floor beside the burning shuttle or how scared she’d been when he’d stumbled over that rock on the plateau. Yes, she had stepped deliberately over the boundaries for him, twice. Liara had a point.
“So you think I made a mistake, when I invited him back?” she asked her tone slightly worried now.
“Yes and no.” Liara said evasively.
“What now?”
Liara sighed, picking up the box she had placed on the small coffee table, running her hands down it’s smooth metallic sides while she thought about her next reply.
“While the chances are high that Cerberus might have figured it out and prepares a trap for him to get to you, his best chance of survival in that case is staying at your side. You two fighting alone are impressive, you two combined are...almost unbeatable.”
Jane frowned. “You think so?”
“I’ve seen it. Your strengths lies in attack his in defence, you complete each other. It’s almost romantic.” she smiled.
“Ok now you’re messing with me.” Jane snickered and Liara giggled girlishly.
“There is something else I wanted to talk about.” Liara said after they both had calmed down a bit. She set the box back on the table and trailed her fingers over the surface.
“And that is?” Jane asked with a small but tired smile, trying to stifle a yawn with more or less success before she leaned forward resting her elbows on her knees.
“You look exhausted.” Liara pointed out the obvious with a small frown. “ This can wait a little longer. You should get some rest. I’ll come back later.”
She half rose from her seat and reached down to pick up the box, but Jane caught her hand in time to stop her.
“No No, it’s fine. I can’t sleep anyway. Just tell me what this is.” She pointed at the box but Liara’s frown only increased when she felt the shaking of Jane’s hand around her slender wrist.
Not this again..
Jane let go off Liara’s hand and borrowed both of her hands deep in the pockets of her hoodie to hide the tremors. This had happened before and it would take a while until it stopped. She should have known that Liara wasn’t so easily fooled.
The asari scooted over to sit beside her a look of concern clearly visible in her striking blue eyes.
“Jane? What is wrong?” Liara asked in a low voice laced with worry while she placed a hand on Jane’s shoulder.
Jane rolled her eyes avoiding Liara’s questioning gaze, secretly afraid of what the Asari might read in her eyes. She fixed her eyes on the floor instead. “It’s nothing really, I just can’t sleep that’s all. Too much adrenaline in my system I suppose.” she tried to smile but it felt more like a grimace.
“You still have nightmares, don’t you?”
Something in Liara’s voice caught her attention but she refused to look up to see what it was. Wait..did she just say ‘still nightmares’? How come she knew about them? She hadn’t told anyone, and she sure as hell wouldn’t start now. She didn’t even want to dwell on the subject any longer.
Jane reached out to pick up the box instead of answering Liara’s question. It’s surface was smooth and it felt cold to the touch. She examined it closely, there was a tiny button on top of it and Jane traced her index finger along it’s edges.
“What’s this?” she asked, not taking her eyes of the small object in her hands while fighting against the memories that bordered of on the edges of her mind. She needed to be distracted, she did not want to face them.
“It’s a information device I’ve been working on for some time now.” Liara explained after a long moment of silence, reaching over and pressing the button to activate it.
The device sprang to life showing a miniature image of a Reaper, followed by the blueprint of the crucible and other vital information containing everything they knew so far about the Reapers.
“It’s like Vigil on Ilos, isn’t it? An information guide about the Reapers.” Jane asked astounded, setting the box onto the table to have a better look at the holograms.
“Yes, that was the idea behind it. I’m uploading a VI into it and if we fail...I wanted to make sure that whoever follows after us knows about the Reapers and how we tried to stop them.”
“This is...very thoughtful of you…” Jane’s voice trailed of as an image of herself sprang up before her eyes.
The image showed herself in her black armour looking over something that couldn’t be seen in the hologram. The small figure turned, suddenly pointing a hand in one direction clearly shouting some orders that couldn’t be heard. She remembered that day, but seeing herself ordering commands felt somehow...unreal.
“That was on Tuchanka, wasn’t it?”
“Yes, it was the perfect opportunity to show you in action. I wanted you to be remembered like this. I just need to finish the entry about you and I wanted your opinion first. How would you like history to remember you?”
Jane wasn’t sure how to react to this offer and finally decided that it would be best if she left the decision to Liara.
“Just tell the truth. You know me well enough.” she said smiling at Liara’s somewhat surprised reaction.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Just go ahead. I’m curious to hear what you think about me.”
Liara cleared her throat and stood up to pace around the small space between Jane’s bed and the table.
“Well..I’ll say..” she leaned down to activate a small display, tipping in some codes before she continued.
“Commander Shepard was born on Earth and fought harder than anyone else for her homeworld. Due to the fact that she’d lost her family at a very young age she was raised by the Alliance and became one of the best soldiers humanity had to offer.”
Liara looked at Jane once, but she only shrugged and gestured for her to continue. Everyone knew this part of her history, and she was a fairly good soldier, she’d worked her ass of to become what she is now.
“She was one of the most powerful biotics of the human race and a skilled Adapt which made her a fierce fighter and a deadly opponent to everyone who encountered her on the battlefield.”
That made Jane raise an eyebrow in question but she stayed silent.
“She was a brilliant leader, one who sought peace rather than conflict but she didn’t shie away from a fight to protect the innocent. She was a beacon of hope in a time of despair and many considered her a true hero. It was a privilege to know her and call her a friend.”
Ok this was way out of proportion. Jane looked stunned into Liara’s slightly pink face, momentarily at a loss for words as the asari bend down to end the recording and save the file.
Usually she didn’t like it when people thought of her like this, much less call her a hero.
Ever since the Alliance had found her as an orphan on the streets and had discovered her biotic potential, she had been trained to become a soldier, a leader. This was her live. Her job. She didn’t know anything else. People really shouldn’t call her a hero for just doing her job...
“Ok can we talk about that last part?” Jane asked leaning forward in her seat.
“Why? What’s wrong with it?” Liara asked innocently, shutting down the device.
“First of all,”Jane huffed, raising her index finger. ”I’m not a hero. Second.” she raised her middle finger “I’m not a beacon of anything much less hope. And third,” the ring finger joined the other two. “brilliant is not a word to describe me.”
Liara raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms over her chest.
“You are called ‘The Hero of the Citadel’.”
“Yah, stupid titel. That we arrived at the Citadel in time was damn luck and that we defeated Sovereign was more of miracle than anything else, and I wasn’t alone as you well know, you’ve been there as I recall.”
“You destroyed the Collector Base with a handful of people.”
“That was a suicide mission! No sane much less brilliant person would have even attempted such a thing! I still don’t know how we all made it out of there alive!”
“You haven’t watched the news lately, have you?”
“No I haven’t. Not since I knocked out the reporter. Allers keeps me updated for the most part.”
“People see you as the best hope to save Earth.”
Jane stood up pacing up and down, while Liara stood near the table watching her intently.
“I am not a damn hero! I just do what I’ve been raised to do! I fight! That is all I’ve ever learned, that is all I am good at! I have no choice, I never had!”
Jane raged not stopping in her pacing and not knowing why this even bothered her so much. It was just a stupid recording that might be listened to in fifty thousand years from now own. It wasn’t even worth mentioning. Then why did it bother her so much?
“A hero should be able to choose...I’ve never been given the chance to choose my own fate.” she muttered and let herself fall back on the couch with a frustrated grunt.
“Do you want me to change the last part?” Liara asked cautiously, picking up the box.
Jane heaved a deep sighed. “No...leave it. I said it’s your call and I meant it.” she pressed the heels of her hand against her eyes. “I’m not mad at you, it’s just the pressure and the lack of sleep I guess.” she apologized.
“I understand.” Liara said in a soft voice. “I should leave you alone now.”
Jane watched her walk to the door where she hesitated and half turned to look back. Her blue skinned face illuminated by the light of the aquarium showed an expression of sadness. And Jane felt even worse for shouting at her earlier.
“Look Liara-” Jane said standing up from the couch.
“I’ve been there that night. When you first had these nightmares.” Liara interrupted her and Jane froze with one foot on the steps that led up to the door.
“You?”
Jane swallowed hard. She couldn’t remember very much of that night only that she woke up sweating and trembling from that dreadful dream, accompanied by the feelings of utter loss and despair of what she had seen. Everything else was lost in a hazy fog. “You’ve been there?”
“I’m not surprised you don’t remember anything, you’ve been…” Liara said stepping closer, ringing her hands nervously in the process. ”I never meant to bring it up again, but since Kaidan is back on the Normandy and you still have those dreams...I think you should tell him about...what happened..to you.” she finally managed to say while her eyes kept roaming over Jane’s face, filled with empathy and concern.
Jane was too stunned to speak, too stunned even to think clearly much less move as Liara slowly approached her. She felt a sudden coldness creep over her skin and sink into the depths of her core.
She knew!
“You know?” Jane asked her voice shaking, she wasn’t able to form another coherent thought.
“Yes, I know everything. You told me, while you cried yourself out in my arms.” Liara said softly moving slowly as if she was approaching a frightened animal that would turn and run at any sudden movement.
“Everything?” Jane stepped back from the steps.
Liara nodded. “I know that you lost yours and Kaidan’s child.” she said reaching out to wrap her arms carefully around Jane’s shoulders, pulling her into a light embrace. While Jane kept standing rigid and unmoving, too shocked to respond.
“And I know that your revival procedure made you infertile.” Liara continued with a catch in her voice and Jane stiffened at her words.
“I also know that this is the reason why you’ve fought so fiercely for the Krogans.” she sniffed.“The reason why you’ve risked your life to save Bakara and took the bullet that was meant for her.”
Jane felt something wet against her neck, but still wasn’t able to respond as Liara kept unraveling the truth behind her decisions.
“The reason you didn’t betray the Krogans even if it meant losing the Salarian support…” she concluded with a hitch in her breath. ”Isn’t that right?”
Jane lightly dipped her head in a nod, she slowly moved her arms around Liara’s back to finally return her friend’s embrace.
“Don’t tell anyone.” she whispered against the other woman’s slightly shaking shoulder.
Her own eyes stayed dry while Liara continued to sob. She had no tears left to cry for her loss, she’d already shed them that night when Liara had found her. She still didn’t remember everything, but she knew that in her greatest hour of need, someone had been there to comfort her.
“I won’t tell anyone, but don’t you think Kaidan would like to know?” Liara sobbed, taking in a deep shaking breath.
“I can’t.” she said in a surprisingly steady voice. “This is my burden not his.”
She trusted Liara with her live and she knew that she would keep her secret and she felt a sudden overwhelming feeling of gratitude toward her friend.
“What good will it do? It will only hurt him, and there is nothing we can do to change the past….” she continued in the same steady almost emotionless voice. “Maybe one day. When this is all over and we have a future to look forward to. I’ll tell him of the child that never was and never will be, but now is not the time.”
Jane concentrated on her breathing and focused on the waves of empathy that emanated from Liara’s slowly rising biotics and on a sudden impulse, triggered by Liara’s energy, she exhaled deeply and let go of something she hadn’t even realised she’d held on to.
It felt like a tight knot inside her chest slowly began to unravel itself, it still hurt like hell but it became more bearable the longer she stood like this, looked in her friend’s embrace.
Jane closed her eyes feeling her own energy respond to Liara’s, the gentle waves of sadness and loss roll through her veins deriving from the seemingly endless ocean of grief that nestled deep inside her heart, but it felt softer this time. As if the sharp edges that caused her to bleed had been burnished to a more subtle throbbing.
Liara didn’t speak, she simply nodded in silent understanding as she slowly pulled away, brushing away the tears that had travelled down her cheeks.
Jane noticed that they both were bathed in a soft blue light that flickered and danced around their skin and light up brightly wherever they’ve touched.
The only person she’d ever shared such a connection with was Kaidan, but then, she’d never let anyone else close enough for this to happen.
Liara smiled softly at Jane’s slightly puzzled expression and reached for Jane’s hands squeezing them tightly with her own and letting a trickle of energy jump between them.
“Thank you..” the asari said smiling despite her tears and Jane didn’t quite follow.
“For what?” she asked in surprise.
“For sharing these feelings with me. I understand now what you’ve been through.” Liara said sniffling and rubbing one sleeve over her eyes.