Chapter Text
Thanksgiving was different. For the first time, Neil and Andrew accepted Dan and Matt’s invitation. Well, Neil did. They drove over to their house on Wednesday and planned to stay until Friday. Andrew said nothing about it even when Neil said he didn’t have to go.
The Boyd house was huge. Neil and Andrew had a pretty big house, but the Boyd house had five bedrooms and four baths. Their yard needed a lawn crew. Neil and Andrew had more than enough money for a house like theirs, but even with Lily there sometimes felt like there was too much room.
Lily loved it. Andrew spent most of the time in the spare room, and Neil split his time between the two.
The second week of December, Lily asked if they were going to have a Christmas tree. They never had one before, but Andrew immediately told Lily yes.
So, they went to the store and bought a cute, little real tree. It was about Lily’s height and lush. Lily said they needed multi-colored lights and a star. She guided them through picking out ornaments and stockings for by the fire place. They got a wreath for the front door and snowman window stickers.
Neil asked Lily what she wanted for Christmas and she just shrugged.
Neil asked Andrew if he wanted anything, and Andrew’s response was to put two bags of peppermint kisses in the cart. Neil wasn’t surprised.
Before leaving, they got hot chocolate and marshmellows to make when they got home. Lily thought it was a wonderful idea.
As they decorated and drank their hot chocolate, Neil really did wonder what he was supposed to get Lily as a gift. She never asked for much and when she did, they always bought whatever it was.
“What did you want when you were a kid?” Neil asked Andrew as they got ready for bed.
“Don’t ask stupid questions,” Andrew told him. Neil sighed.
“What are we supposed to get her?”
Andrew sat on the bed watching Neil. “She’ll like anything you give her.”
“I already know that. But what do I get? There are too many things. What are you getting her?”
Andrew shrugged. “I have some ideas.”
“So, tell me!” Neil pleaded. Andrew’s lip curled into a smirk.
“No.”
Neil pulled Lily’s hair into a neat bun on top of her head and fastened it with a blue ribbon to compliment her choir robes. Andrew sat on the couch watching while their friends were in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner.
Under her robe, Lily wore her sparkly red Christmas dress she’d picked out on the weekend. Neil couldn’t tell if she was nervous for the concert or that there were so many people in the house. Dan and Matt were there with their kids, Nicky and Erik, and Allison with her two toddlers.
It was a full house. Andrew didn’t look uncomfortable, but he spent most of his time on the outer edges with Lily. Neil played host and it left him exhausted.
“Do you want to take some pictures by the tree?” Neil asked quietly. Everyone had moved to get their coats and shoes on. Lily nodded.
The school was bustling with people. Kids in choir robes were crowded in the music room and parents were in the halls and in the auditorium. Neil picked out their seats, middle section a few rows from the front. A lot of people stared as their group took their seats. Luckily the row easily fit twelve people. Andrew sat on the end with Neil at his side. He hadn’t said anything on the ride over, just held Neil’s hand tight.
“They are singing a lot of songs,” Nicky commented. “How many choirs are there? There are like 100 kids on this list!”
At the back of the program, there was a list of all the choir members by grade.
“Lily has a solo?” Allison called down the row. Neil nodded. On the first page were Lily’s three songs; How Far I’ll Go from Moana, Go the Distance from Hercules, and Somewhere Over the Rainbow by IZ. Her solo was in Go the Distance.
“What’s Master Singers?” Dan asked.
“I don’t know. What?” Neil asked. Dan pointed to the third page. Between the combined choir selections there was a break for Master Singers. “I don’t know what that is,” Neil said again. He turned to Andrew, who was flipping through the program. Part of Neil wished it was only he and Andrew there to see the concert. Take away everyone else. Neil pressed his arm against Andrew’s.
“Good evening everyone!” Ms. Ellie greeted when the lights went down and the audience quieted. “I’m so glad to see so many friends and family in the audience. As you know, choir practices are once a week, so these kids have been working hard to prepare so many songs for you! With the Elementary Choir, we discussed hopes, dreams, wishes, and goals. We spent a lot of time talking about how we move forward. Our songs were chosen to reflect these thoughts and ideas. Our first song, How Far I’ll Go from Moana will feature soloist Audrey Wright, a fourth grader,” Ms. Ellie announced. When she was done the kids started filing in.
Lily was in the middle of the first riser. Neil was surprised by how small she looked surrounded by the other kids. He didn’t know if she could see them, but he smiled at her anyway.
“Why does her robe have black?” Nicky whispered in Neil’s ear. He realized then that only a few other choir members had black on their robes.
“I don’t know,” Neil told him. He wondered if Andrew knew, but didn’t ask. Andrew had already said that if Neil talked during the concert he was sleeping on the couch.
The choir took a few minutes to warm up before their teacher motioned for the first soloist to take her place by the mic.
How Far I’ll Go was a song Neil was familiar with as it was one of Lily’s favorites. He’d even seen the movie Moana. The soloist had a pretty voice and did a good job, singing through the first chorus part. At the second verse, the rest of the choir began to sing. It nearly blew Neil away. so many powerful voices came out of such tiny bodies.
Lily’s favorite part was coming up and Neil could tell by the smile that grew on her face.
I can lead with pride. I can make us strong. I’ll be satisfied if I play along. But the voice inside sings a different song. What is wrong with me?
She liked the rhythm was what she told Neil. Something about how the words were punctuated. Neil wasn’t much for singing, but he enjoyed most of the music Lily liked.
The applause was abundant when the song ended and Neil was excited to hear Lily’s solo. She practiced alone in her room most of the time, but she could still be heard throughout the house.
“Thank you and thank you Audrey!” Ms. Ellie said. “Our next song is Go the Distance from Hercules. Ms. Lily from first grade will be our opening soloist. During this piece, we have put together a slide show of pictures that say the kids’ goals or dreams that they’d like the accomplish. Please enjoy!”
Neil pressed against Andrew more as Lily stepped down and took her place in front of the mic. He was tenser then he’d been during her Exy games.
Ms. Ellie softly counted Lily in.
I have often dreamed of a far off place where a hero’s welcome would be waiting for me.
Where the crowds will cheer when they see my face and a voice keeps saying this is where I’m meant to be.
I’ll be there some day. I can go the distance. I will find my way if I can’t be strong.
I know every mile will be worth my while.
I will go the distance and be right where I belong.
Neil’s eyes burned as Lily sang. He hadn’t listened to the words while she practiced. They meant more then he realized.
Andrew slid his palm against Neil’s until he laced their fingers together. He was pretty sure Andrew’s hand was shaking. Neil held tight to Andrew as he read through the images on the screen. None had been in Lily’s handwriting yet.
It’s an uphill slope, but I won’t lose hope.
I will go the distance til my journey is complete.
And then Neil saw it. All the images were anonymous, but Neil recognized the handwriting and what it sad wrenched at his heart. All her image said was “I wish I never will have to say goodbye”.
The rest of the song kind of faded into the background for Neil. He knew exactly how Lily felt. He felt as if he’d been rushed back to that time all those years ago when all he wanted to do was stay. How leaving Andrew had been the single worst day in his entire life. Worse than everything else that happened to him.
It was an odd feeling, Andrew pressing his fingers to Neil’s pulse. The song had ended and Ms. Ellie was talking again. Andrew gripped Neil’s wrist tight and his eyes bore into Neil in a familiar way that only Neil would recognize. He shifted in his seat, nodding to Andrew, as he took a calming breath. No one was saying goodbye.
The last song was a song Neil was familiar with. He couldn’t remember where he’d heard it first, but he’d heard it enough to know some of the words. Some of the kids in the choir strummed ukulele’s as they all sang about better days and peaceful places.
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.
Lily looked so happy on stage singing that Neil wished he could freeze the moment for them all to remember. Someone was filming it, but that wasn’t even going to be enough to truly capture the moment.
Andrew had gone back to holding his hand as the song ended. They broke apart to applaud and the Elementary Choir even got a standing ovation.
As they filed off stage, Neil found himself anxiously waiting for the combined choirs so that he’d see Lily again.
“That was amazing!” Nicky said excitedly to Neil as the Middle School Choir took the stage.
“Yeah it was,” Neil said taking a deep breath. He felt, he couldn’t put it into words. There were too many emotions all at once. They were swirling inside of his like a storm.
Andrew standing up jolted Neil out of his thoughts. They made eye contact and then Andrew was walking towards the doors in the back of the auditorium. He had time until Lily was back onstage.
Part of Neil wanted to follow him, but part of him knew that he now had to start dividing his time between Andrew and Lily. He knew what Andrew was doing and he knew Andrew would be back. He didn’t know if Andrew was okay. But he knew Andrew could hold it together for the concert.
“Where’s he going?” Nicky whispered. Neil was still turned towards the doors.
“Probably to smoke. He’ll be back.”
“Mmm,” Nicky grunted as the lights turned on signaling the middle school choir was going to start.
And honestly, Neil zoned out for most of the middle school. They sang songs he recognized, but nothing stuck in his memory. He was too busy sorting through his emotions and the events of the rest of the evening. Even though it was winter, Lily wanted to get ice cream after the concert.
Andrew returned exactly as the middle school choir performance ended. He smelled like winter wind and fresh smoke. His cheeks and nose were red and his cold fingers found their way into Neil’s hand. Neil looked at him questioning, but Andrew only gave him a slight nod and squeezed Neil’s fingers.
“There are fifteen kids with the black sash things,” Dan called down the aisle to Neil. He looked up at the full stage. Lily was still in the front, and Dan was right. Neil shrugged.
“Now for our final portion of the concert, we will be singing a collection of songs the kids voted on,” Ms. Ellie explained. “After our first two selections, we will pause and have our Master Singers take the stage for a short performance. Then we will end it with a fun choice to leave everyone in a good mood! Our first song is The Walker originally by Fitz and the Tantrums. Our group had a lot of fun learning this one and it was definitely the favorite this semester!”
The song started and Neil only recognized it because he’d heard it coming from Lily’s room. The song had a lot of dance motions that were surprisingly in sync for such a large group. The audience was clapping along to the beat. Neil watched Lily smiling as she sang. He now recognized the moves she was doing, having seen her practicing in the house when she thought no one was watching.
“Our next song is very important to some of the students as it talks about bravery and facing your fears. I’ve talked to many kids individually about what this song means to them, so prepare for it to get a bit emotional. With the song Something Wild, we want the audience to think about the importance of home and whether it’s a person or a place, take the time to think about what it means to you. And for this song, eighth grader Annette Perry will accompany me on violin.”
Neil watched a tall girl come off the risers to stand by the piano. Home. All the people in the row in the auditorium were his home.
The little girl on the stage was his home.
Andrew was his home.
You've got a big heart
The way you see the world
It got you this far
You might have some bruises
And a few of scars
But you know you're gonna be okay
And even though you're scared
You're stronger than you know
Neil felt his breath catch in his throat as they sang. The way everything applied to him, to Lily, to Andrew… Neil could feel Andrew’s nails digging into his hand as the song continued. He didn’t look phased, but he’d never clung to Neil so tightly.
If you're lost out where the lights are blinding
Caught in all, the stars are hiding
That's when something wild calls you home, home
If you face the fear that keeps you frozen
Chase the sky into the ocean
That's when something wild calls you home, home
Home. For their little family, it was all about the people. The people who needed a place to belong had finally found it all those years ago in the broken Exy team. Every step had originally been a dream, temporary. A little bit of happiness in all the dark.
And yet here Neil was expanding his tiny family because the dream had never ended. It opened doors that Neil didn’t even know existed.
And now there was Lily. And all Neil wanted to do was stand up and scream that she was home.
Sometimes the past can
Make the ground beneath you feel like a quicksand
You don't have to worry
You reach for my hand
Yeah I know you're gonna be okay
You're gonna be okay
Neil took a steadying breath as the words sunk into him. It was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay. Everything bad was so far in the past that it barely registered anymore. Memories he thought were burned into him, faded. Happiness filled all the holes that were put into Neil.
The applause roared in Neil’s ears.
“I now invite our Master Singers to come to the front of the stage,” Ms. Ellie said. Neil watched Lily line up with fifteen other students. “Master Singers is a group of students who went through extensive auditions to earn one of fifteen spots. They practice during the occasional lunch recess. I always pick a very difficult song in another language for these kids to sing. It pushes them and is a great challenge. This year we’ve chosen the French song Caresse Sur L’Ocean made popular by the film Les Choristes or the Chorus. It’ll feature first grader, Miss Lily, as our soloist. She worked very hard to prepare it for a special pair of people in her life. Miss Lily is our youngest Master Choir soloist,” Ms. Ellie explained leaving Neil in shock.
All his friends looked shocked. Even Andrew looked something that could possibly be shock.
The song started with a slow melody and then the voices that came out of the fifteen students blew Neil away. Something rippled through the crowd. Something like amazement. Everyone in the room dazzled by fifteen singers.
And then Lily stepped forward.
The words melted out of her mouth. Rising and swelling as the music did. Hitting high note after high note. A song so beautiful that Neil felt his eyes burn.
Caresse sur l'océan
Pose l'oiseau si leger
Sur la pierre d'une ile immergée
Air éphémère de l'hiver
Enfin ton souffle s'éloigne
Loin dans les montagnes
Neil felt like he couldn’t breathe, but this time because he couldn’t believe what he’d just witnessed. Something so beautiful was done just for him and Andrew. She wasn’t asked or prompted, she had wanted to. And all Neil wanted to do was hear her sing it again.
As she hit the last note, the crowd exploded. Louder than any Exy game Neil had been to, the crowd was on its’ feet clapping and cheering as those fifteen kids gave a bow and Lily gave an extra one.
Their friends were all talking at once to Neil, but he could only look at Andrew who stood, eyes on the stage. He wasn’t clapping, but the emotion in his eyes shocked Neil all over again. Just like he had little looks for Neil, Andrew had special looks just for Lily.
It warmed Neil’s heart.
“Thank you! Thank you!” Ms. Ellie said when the crowd finally calmed. “We have a fun final piece to send you all off in a good mood and that’s I Won’t Let You Down by OK Go!”
Neil’s hand found Andrew’s again as the music started and the kids began clapping. It was an upbeat song that made Neil smile. Andrew had gone back to looking indifferent, but still held Neil’s hand tightly. Bringing Lily into their lives had truly been the smartest decision they’d ever made.
Maybe all you need is someone to trust
Maybe all you need is someone
And I won’t let you down
Oh I won’t let you down
I won’t let you down, my love
Neil felt as if everything was falling into place once again. They were growing and changing into the people they’d always had the potential of being.
And soon those two people would be three.