Chapter Text
It’s the beginnings of wintertime, so the sun rises early.
The fall has ushered in new changes and challenges in it's wake. The release of fighter is a hard one, with the pressure of relevant success still hanging over Hoseok's head, but it's easier now that he does not keep these fears to himself. Like a tree, Hoseok has grown and his branches have spread. He is learning every day how to be more honest in his feelings, in his weakness, and in that he finds new strength. Strong are the roots that keep him grounded, and even stronger are the ones that connect him to his members.
They’re lying in bed together now: Changkyun and Hoseok. Light comes through the hotel window, golden and buttery as it bathes Changkyun’s sleeping form. Hoseok looks at his calm face and soft belly; looks at his skin- at his acne scars and stretch marks and fading bruises from when he took a wrong turn during dance practice three days ago and crashed into Minhyuk- and can’t help but think that a being this incredible, this ethereal should not be in his bed.
There's pillow crease marks on his cheeks and drool in the corner of his mouth and Hoseok's arm has reached an uncomfortable level of numbness with it's awkward positioning under Changkyun's torso and yet; there is nowhere he would rather be. No other sight he would rather wake up to.
Hoseok is twenty-three years old and he has a big heart; today, it feels full to the bursting.
He wishes that he could tell his eight year old self this. That boy, so lonely and full of longing.
He wishes, that he could tell his twelve year old self this. That boy, so angry, so afraid, so sure that he would forever be unwanted.
He wishes he could tell his fifteen year old self this. Lost deep in the kind of love that hurts so sweet, trying to fit pieces into puzzles that just don’t quite fit.
And seventeen, all the things to tell seventeen and twenty two and all the numbers in between, that person; so sad, so overwhelmed. He wishes he could tell them all, whisper it in their ears like a soliloquy on stage:
“You will find a boy that breathes life in you.”
“You will find a band that helps you changes everything, at the beginning of this you think you can hardly run a mile but they sign you up for marathon because that is how much they believe in you.”
“Just keep on keeping on kid, you will do more good than you could have ever fathomed.”
Every version of himself over the years has lead him to this, and he would do it all again. Live through all the pain, all the tears, the heartache and the headaches if this is the result of that broken road. All Hoseok has ever asked is to love and be loved in return.
At every age, Hoseok has been a reflective person. He's the type to always be looking in the past, reliving his own stories in the hopes that he can find answers there, trying to make sense of how these events shaped the person he is. Maybe that was a product of his insecurity, of his doubts, some desperate wish that in between those versions of himself he's invented; in there is the person that he is meant to be. Somewhere in those masks he has created, whether it be when he was eight or when he was eighteen, there lies his true face.
But maybe, just maybe, he won't find that person that way. Not when he twists his own sense of self so ardently in his own hands.
And so it is at twenty three years old that he realizes maybe, his past is just that, the past. And maybe that's where it should stay. That no matter what perspective he looks at it with, it doesn't change that it happened. And maybe that's okay. Maybe, trapping himself in his own introspection had been his undoing all along.
The future is a beautiful thing, for him, for Monsta X, for everything he is going to build.
There are so many memories in this lifetime, and Hoseok is twenty three when he decides he is ready to make new ones.
He watches his partner for a little while longer, and eventually long eyelashes flutter open and Changkyun is looking at him with tired eyes. Even half asleep, he gets bashful under Hoseok’s gaze. Half of the younger's face is quickly hidden in the crook of his elbow but Hoseok can see the corners of his mouth quirk up in a shy smile.
“You’re so beautiful Changkyunnie.” Hoseok whispers.
Changkyun’s smile goes wider and he turns on his back, Hoseok knows him well enough to be sure that he’s trying to hide his blush. Hoseok doesn’t let him, and moves onto his elbows so he can hover over the boy and press gentle kisses to the red staining his cheeks. Changkyun is a sucker for compliments, even if he’ll never admit it, his flush tells Hoseok all he needs to know. Afterwards, he pulls back and can’t help but look, for just a moment, at the person below him. His wide eyes and trusting expression, even in a position so vulnerable.
He watches as Changkyun's mouth forms words carefully, slowly, as though given each one more meaning than the last:
"But you are too, Hoseok. Hyung, you're beautiful too."
And yeah, he hears that he's a lot of things. Sexy, big, strong. But beautiful, that doesn't happen too often.
Hoseok has always been sentimental, so it’s no surprise what happens next.
He feels his eye prick with tears at the sight of his boyfriend, at the sincerity in his words, and he moves his hand to try and brush them away. He feels overwhelmed that all of this young, fresh love is directed at him. Only for him. He feels undeserving, unworthy even. But his heart squeezes painfully at the gratitude that he feels, from the top of his head to the tips of his toes, that he has been trusted with something so precious.
“You’re so mushy.” Changkyun sighs, no longer hiding his smile. He moves a hand up to carefully wipe away any tears that might have escaped Hoseok’s eyes, and his tender touch belies his protesting words.
“Only for you my love.” He replies cheekily, moving his onslaught of kisses on his face down to the younger’s neck, he feels Changkyun squirm underneath him and Hoseok rubs a calming hand against his hip in response.
“Hey Hoseok?”
He looks up, “Yeah? Is this okay?”
“Oh yeah, it- yeah it’s good. I was just wondering, could I ask you something?” Changkyun’s voice is still raspy and deep from sleep, and his eyebrows are furrowed as his surely sleep fuzzy brain tries to formulate whatever it is he is going to say.
“Sure, anything." He nuzzles fondly into Changkyun’s neck.
“How did you first know, you know, about all of this?”
“You’re gonna need to be more specific baby.”
“I don’t know; you and I, liking boys, all of it. Even when I had doubts, you were always so steady.”
Hoseok smiles despite himself, thinks of how far they’ve come in the past year and a half, thinks of all the time ahead. He thinks of sunsets and sunrises; of coldness and clarity; of yellow and orange- and all they represent. Thinks of every detour that has lead him exactly here.
“When I was eight years old, I had my first crush on a girl. Her name was Jisu and she was beautiful,”
Tomorrow, they must return. Back to being idols, being coworkers, being friends and brothers and sons. They still bear the scars of that life; it’s in the soreness of their muscles and the words left unsaid and the wounds- left on their hearts and under their clothes in equal measure. But today, gloriously and unequivocally, they are Hoseok and Changkyun, alone in a hotel room. That’s all they have to be.
The path they will walk is not going to be easy, he is not naive enough to think so. He never has been. From the moment that Changkyun swept into his life, this is what Hoseok could never have envisioned but will thank whatever deity there may be in this earth for gifting him. Even through the pain, even through uncertainty, they have always come back to eachother. Like two poles, they are drawn to one another. This path will not be easy, but they are not walking alone.
The day is theirs, and Hoseok’s looking forward to spending it this way. In this bed, bodies wrapped so tight around eachother that the only thing left between them is the promise of the stories Hoseok can finally, finally tell him. Everything.
He figures Jisu is a good place to start.