Chapter Text
People Try “As Seen On TV” Exercise Products by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Sept 29, 2015) (JAKE and AMY)
The Kruncher
(“A device that will revolutionize your abs!”)
Jake and Amy study the weird bars that make up The Kruncher.
Jake: I think I’ll break this.
Amy: You probably will.
Jake sticks his tongue out at Amy and gets down on the ground to try the product. He tries to do a sit up in it but it just snaps open. Jake yelps and flails out of it.
Jake: Raymond! Santiago broke the Kruncher!
Amy huffs as the crew laughs.
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Swimming Sauna Shorts
(“Sweat Away The Pounds!”)
Jake: I don’t want to take my pants off for this.
Amy: I don’t want you to take your pants off, either.
Jake: Lies, Santiago.
Jake gets the pants out and they cover his jeans. Amy looks at him and can’t stop giggling.
Jake: (trying on a persona) I’m Kid Sapphire, Sumo Wrestler. Want to grab some frozen yogurt after my workout?
Amy bursts into laughter.
Amy: I wanna try, I wanna try.
CUT TO Amy in the shorts now.
Amy: This is so hot around my crotch.
Jake: Title of your sex tape?”
Amy hits Jake with the box as he laughs at her.
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Shake Weight
(“Shake your way to Firm & Fabulous arms & shoulders in just 6 Minutes”)
Jake and Amy gasp.
Amy: I’ve always wanted to try one of these.
Jake: Well, dreams do come true at BuzzfeedBrooklyn.
They both turn them on and start trying to work out.
Jake: You know... I feel like the inventor of this had to have been like “You know what’s a workout? Blowjobs.” And that’s how these were born.
Amy: I think you mean “conceived”
Jake laughs
Amy: I really hope someone doesn’t Photoshop a penis in my hands.
Jake: Now I gotta.
Amy hits him with the Shake Weight.
Jake: Stop hitting me!
+
Amy wakes up in the bed with a gasp. Her hand clutches at her chest through her pajama shirt (a large piece of BuzzfeedBrooklyn merch that says “where brooklyn at?” in a rainbow font. Jake snorts a little, waking up a little groggily.
“Shit- what? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Amy clears her throat. She sits up a bit, exhaling slowly. She was having the weirdest dream where Teddy made a YouTube video just to unsubscribe from BuzzfeedBrooklyn and her specifically, and it oddly stressed her out. But she’s awake now. It’s fine. “I just... had a weird dream.”
“Egh, that’s the worst,” He shoves his head back into the pillow. She oddly appreciates that he doesn’t pry. She feels like if Jake were more awake, he’d be shoving the camera in her face and wondering if dicks were involved. Sleepy Jake is Prime Jake, at least in her experience as his wife.
“We should get up anyway,” Amy says, swinging her feet off the bed so she touches her bedroom floor. “We have to do the video- Oh. My.” She leans back a bit, no longer as interested in getting up and going to brush her teeth to start her morning routine. That hit her like a figurative tidal wave.
“What now?” Jake opens his eyes, fluttering them a little as he wakes up.
“I just realized, this is the last time we’re spending the night together. Tomorrow, our marriage is over.”
At that, Jake sits up. “Whoa, you’re right. How dramatic.”
She laughs a little and pulls on her glasses since she doesn’t want to deal with her contacts, “I guess that’s right. Should we fake a fight?”
Jake studies her slightly, so she studies him back. There’s a bit of drool by his lips and his fluffy hair points in all sorts of all directions. It’s distracting.
“Nah,” He says slowly, rubbing at his eyes. “I’d like my first marriage to not end in divorce.”
Amy opens her mouth and then closes it. That was oddly earnest. She smiles, “We can end it on good terms, Jake.”
“Good,” He starts messing with his hair, and that reminds her they promised Gina to be at the bridal dress boutique at 10. Gina apparently had held 10 dresses to try on and Jake and Amy were supposed to decide which one was the best and then that would be “Gina's” choice.
“C’mon, if we get ready to go now, we have time to grab breakfast,” Amy bribes him.
“Donuts?” Jake perks up, flailing his legs off the bed.
Amy pictures all the cake they’re probably going to eat. But... they are eating the cake after the dress boutique. So it kind of balances out?
“Sure, we’ll get donuts,” She promises. “But you have to get ready now.”
“Always a price, Santiago,” Jake says, but he smiles as he finally gets out of bed.
She can't help but smile to herself as she finally brushes her teeth. She decides to film a confessional as Jake showers in her second bathroom.
“It's our last day of marriage,” Amy says. “I'm surprised I might actually miss having him bother me all day.”
Deciding to end it there before she gets embarrassingly sentimental, she stops filming and goes to get ready.
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Try Guys Try Wedding Dresses by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Feb 29, 2015)
(So what kind of dress do you want?)
Terry: I just want something I won’t rip in half. And that compliments my beautiful muscles.
Jake: I want the most g*ddamn fluffiest thing you have... Bruce Willis is probably gonna officiate the wedding, so I need to dress to impress.
Ray: Something professional, with sleeves, in case Kevin and I decide to get married in winter.
Charles: I want something traditional, classic, and fun.
Jake: Wow, Charles, I was expecting something weirder. But this is great.
Charles: This is my wedding day, Jake, I demand perfection.
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(Ray’s Dress)
The other Try Guys cover their eyes as he gets dressed.
Ray: This fabric is an unusual experience, but not altogether unpleasant.
The dress designer hands Ray a white blazer. Ray looks down at himself.
Ray: Impressive.
Jake starts bouncing in his seat.
Jake: I have never heard him say that before, now I need to see.
Jake, Charles, and Terry look to see Ray, standing in a beautiful, professional wedding dress and blazer.
Terry: You look amazing!
Charles: “Wow” indeed!
Jake: This is the best day of my life. I’m going to send a snapchat to Kevin.
Ray: How do you have Kevin’s snapchat?
Jake: Gina.
Ray looks off-screen to glare (so subtly) at Gina.
Gina: (off-screen) Sorry, boo!
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(Charles’s Dress)
Charles stands in a beautiful, sleeveless mermaid-cut dress that’s covered in feathers. The other Try Guys cover their eyes to see.
Charles: (to designer) What material is this?
Charles pets at the skirt.
Designer: Chicken feathers?
Charles giggles in that high-pitched way he does.
Charles: Chicken feathers?
Jake gasps.
Jake: This I gotta see-
Jake removes his hand from his eyes, as do Terry and Ray. They all gasp.
Jake: Not bad, Boyle.
Ray: That looks fluffy.
Terry: That’s a good color for your skin tone.
Charles: Thank you, Terry! Glad to be in something that celebrates my whiteness.
Jake, Terry and Ray all seethe.
Ray: Maybe rephrase that, Mr. Boyle.
-
Jake looks down at his own dress, which is a massive ballgown that requires him to wear a petticoat.
Jake: So this is my first time wearing a petticoat and, honestly? A pretty damn cool experience. I feel so fluffy.
Jake swishes the skirt a bit, and turns to Charles, Terry, and Holt, who all cover their eyes.
Jake: Okay you guys, bask in my beauty.
Jake strikes a fun pose as the others remove their hands and gasp.
Ray: Wow, that actually does not look atrocious
Jake looks at the camera.
Jake: Did you hear that?! I got Holt to say “wow.” This is the best day of your life.
Charles: Of course it is, you look gorgeous!
Jake: Thanks, Charles!
Jake does a little celebration dance then nearly trips over the skirt.
-
Terry looks at his dress, with lacy sleeves and loose yet close skirt in a striking white. He looks at himself as the others cover their eyes. He gasps, and nearly immediately his eyes start to water.
Terry: Oh my god...
His hand covers his mouth. Concerned, the others look at him.
Jake: Oh, Terry, why are you crying? You don’t look ugly at all.
Charles: In fact, you’re beautiful.
Ray: I might even use the word “Incandescent”.
Terry sniffles.
Terry: I’m not sad- It’s just- This is almost the exact same dress my wife picked for herself.
Terry turns to the designer.
Terry: Thank you so much for this extra connection with us. It means so much to me.
Jake: There Terry goes, again. Making the rest of our relationships look bad.
Terry looks into the camera and blows a kiss.
Terry: Love you, Sharon!
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“This one hurts,” Amy says as she steps out of the dressing room. They have a camera set up on a tripod and Jake is recording his own reactions on his phone.
This is the sixth dress. It's bright blue with a corset for the top half and a long tutu-like skirt for the bottom that makes her look like some kinky princess.
“BDSM Smurf,” He says definitively, causing her to giggle then try to stop as she remembers to be polite and professional.
“Shh, what if the owners hear?”
“Then maybe they'll improve their dress choices, because these are ridiculous,” Jake says obviously. “Is that a petticoat?”
Amy swishes the fabric that drifts around her knees. “Think so.”
“Gina hates petticoats,” He says pensively. “She finds them ‘dated and basic.’ I don’t know why she’d pick one for her mother’s wedding.”
“I’m sure it’s just for the distinct pleasure of making me wear one,” Amy says with a smile. He laughs. “Okay, I’m going to try another one on.”
“Go ahead, babe,” He says, fiddling with the tripod.
Amy smiles a little at that and shuts the dressing room curtain. This whole experience is oddly so weird, because when her brothers got married, their wives/husbands would let her be in the wedding party so she’d try on bridesmaids dresses a lot, and she has since she was 13. There’s something unique about doing it with Jake, the freedom to mess around and make fun of the options that she didn’t have before. There was never an opportunity to use the words “BDSM Smurf” with her brothers’ partners. It’s freeing. And, honestly, a blast.
Plus, he has way more fashion insight than her.
She tugs the tutu off, leaving her only in her SATURDAY underwear and the corset, but she can’t get it off, it’s stuck.
Oh no.
Amy struggles to unhook the corset but it’s caught on her bra, because there was no way she was going to wear a corset without a bra again after what happened last time.
Oh god. She’s going to need Jake’s help. Oh no. This is going to be on camera.
She groans slightly. She doesn’t want to deal with the childish nonsense he’ll probably say.
But she has no choice, so she tugs back on the skirt awkwardly.
“Jake?”
“What, Ames?”
She takes a deep breath. “I’m stuck.”
“In what?”
“The corset. Can you help me?”
Five seconds pass. “Yeah, sure.” It takes a moment but soon he’s coming through the dressing room curtain and surveying the situation.
“Why did you wear the bra under the corset?”
“Not now, just please help me,” She asks, pulling her hair into a makeshift ponytail and holding it above her shoulders. Jake scrunches his eyes shut and starts working on the corset. His fingers are soft against her skin, and she feels at ease in this oddly intimate situation. Her week-husband may have his faults, but he would never take advantage of anyone. Quickly, she feels both of the corset and the bra come undone.
Quickly, she presses her hands to hold them against her chest so nothing falls out. A small part of her is afraid that he’ll say something childish, but she’s mostly unsurprised when he just says “You good?” without opening his eyes.
“All good.”
“Okay.” Eyes still scrunched shut, he trips into the side of the dressing room wall and then nearly falls into the curtain. Amy tries to hide her giggles. But then Jake shouts:
“I heard that!”
And she just starts laughing. Thankfully, so does he.
Onto the next dress.
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Pizza Delivery Taste Test by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: January 25, 2016)
(Which chain pizza place is your favorite?)
They are split into pairs: Jake and Amy, Rosa and Gina, and Terry and Holt.
Jake: I’m a New York boy, so I love Sal’s but I have a soft spot for Domino’s because they got me through college.
Amy: A bit of a drive, but I like California Pizza Kitchen.
Jake: Disgraceful.
Amy and Jake bicker, quickly getting cut off.
-
Gina: Papa John’s. (to Rosa) Did you know that I know Papa John? The Papa John?
Rosa: Someone is lying to you)
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Terry: I try not to eat pizza because of the carbs, so I haven’t had these pizzas in about a decade. But Little Terry loved Pizza Hut.
Ray: Little Caesars.
Charles: (off-screen) Why?
Ray: Mouthfeel.
Charles: (off-screen) JAKE I TOLD YOU!!
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(Little Caesars)
Jake: This is elementary school pizza.
Amy: It’s so greasy!
Jake: Don’t say that like it’s a bad thing.
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(California Pizza Kitchen)
Gina: Look at this bullsh*t.
Rosa: It doesn’t taste like pizza. But it’s okay.
Gina: It’s too fancy.
Rosa: Never thought I’d hear you say that.
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(Pizza Hut)
Terry: Oh man, this brings back memories. Definitely Pizza Hut.
Ray: You really think so?
Terry eats the rest of the pizza in one bite.
Terry: (mouth full) Why did I ever give you up?!
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(Which was your favorite?)
Both Amy and Jake pick the Domino’s pizza.
Jake: This is amazing. Thank you Little Caeser’s.
Amy: I promise you, it’s Domino’s.
Jake: Another bet. Right now.
Amy: Just five dollars if I’m right or you’re right?
Jake: What makes you think I have five dollars? But deal.
Charles: (off-screen) Amy was right, it was Domino’s.
Jake: (a slew of censored words)
Amy cheers.
-
Rosa and Gina: This one.
They both point at Pizza Hut.
Charles: (off-screen) That was Pizza Hut.
Gina: Dammit! I feel so basic and cheap. I betrayed the Papa!
Rosa just snorts. Gina smacks her in the face with a slice of pizza. They start throwing pizza at each other.
-
Ray: I prefer this one.
He points to Domino’s.
Ray: But I don’t believe it’s Little Caesar’s, so I feel conflicted.
Meanwhile, Terry shoves more Pizza Hut slices in his mouth.
Terry: (mouth full) Pizza Hut.
+
Amy and Jake quickly get settled into eating all the platters of cake samples around them. Thank God Gina was prepared and had sorts of stuff set up. All they had to do was set up the cameras so they can eat without worrying about angles.
“When Charles almost married that Vivian lady,” Jake spins a yarn as they eat chocolate cake with white frosting. Delicious, but not quite right. “He took me to this. And he made me eat cake that had habanero frosting.”
Amy seethes in sympathy as she takes another bite, grateful this cake is not spicy (honestly, the things Charles makes her think.) “That’s atrocious, but not surprising.”
“I know right?” He agrees, shoving more cake into his mouth. “I really can’t believe that Lynn and Darlene don’t care about this aspect. The cake is like the main thing I would care about with my wedding.”
“Not your future spouse?” Amy asks, playful. She knows Jake has a penchant for food over romantic relationships, especially after Sophia.
Jake shrugs, now looking away from her. There’s a sad smile on his face. “I’m a child of divorce, babe. Food lasts forever. Marriage doesn’t.”
Amy opens her mouth to say something, but then nothing comes out. She’s the child of a loving marriage. She’s seen happy marriages with her brothers. She honestly can’t picture not having that and she doesn’t know what to say. So she changes the subject, quickly diving into the next cake.
“Gina would hate us if we chose red velvet,” Amy says. “But it’s so good.”
“Oh, totally,” Jake says, also eating a bite, seeming to shake himself out of the funk he was just in. “But so good.”
“What if we do like a fondant and it’s gold,” Amy says. “We both liked the vanilla bean, right? Not too basic, especially if we do a fun fondant.”
“I’m still not sure what fondant is,” Jake says pensively as eats more cake. “But that sounds fancy. And I trust your judgement.”
Amy pauses, the forkful of cake nearly in her mouth. The casual way he said those words makes her smile. He trusts her. It’s nice to hear as she eats cake.
“Perfect,” Amy says, pulling out her phone. “I’ll text Gina the plan. She said she agreed with our dress decision and hopefully she’ll appreciate this.”
“She should, especially if she was too busy boning Rosa to do it herself,” He says absently, then stops. “Oops,” He turns to a camera and points. “Cut that, Charles!”
Amy snickers, “I think we’re cake drunk.”
“The Santiago Cake-Drunk Scale,” He says, causing her to laugh. “Ten-Cake-Amy is giggly," He says like a scientist.
“I am not!” She laughs out.
“Point proven,” He says, then looks at his phone. As he’s distracted, she takes a piece of cake and shoves it into his cheek.
He gasps, “You just ruined the cake!” So he throws a piece at her.
Before it can continue, the head of the place berates them as they sit there, chastened. She hopes Charles doesn’t use any of that footage.
After placing the cake order, apologizing to the chef, and stepping outside, Jake wipes cake off his face with one hand and films them in the other. “We should get cleaned at our place before we go to Holt’s party.”
Amy gasps, “I nearly forgot. We only have a couple hours-”
“It’s called being ‘fashionably late’, Ames,” Jake reassures her. “Just take your time. We don’t need to rush.”
She takes a deep breath. “But come on, let’s take a shower because I think I have red dye number 7 on my nose.”
Jake leans over and licks at the frosting that still dabs her nose. “Nope, Red Number 5.”
She stares at him.
He stares at her back. “Um... is that not what husbands do?”
Amy, at a loss for what else to do, laughs and loops his arm in hers. “C’mon, hubby, let’s go home.”
She can’t believe their marriage is almost over.