Chapter Text
In the time that Christen has known Tobin, a lot has changed.
Well, to a certain extent nothing has changed and perhaps that’s really the irony of the whole situation, unchanging.
But no, somethings have changed. For example, Christen has come out to her family and most friends. She had known since junior year that maybe guys just weren’t for her, but there was always a missing peace. Something holding her back from proclaiming this part of herself to the people she cared about.
Looking back she thinks that piece might be Tobin.
Senior year of high school, Christen met a girl.
Well, not really met because how can you actually meet someone in a small high school l in California where you already know everyone even if you don’t know them. Her name was Rachel and she played basketball. And it really doesn’t take much more than that when your both just starting to realize that there’s something THIS good that you’ve been missing.
Rachel snuck a kiss one night when the two of them were in Christens room, and after that it just kind of flowed.
And don’t get her wrong, Rachel was hot, but there wasn’t much more than the mere “First Love” relationship.
The breakup was inevitably when the shiny coating started to wear off. When they couldn’t go on real dates and hold hands and make out shamelessly sitting in the back of a movie theater.
And at the time Christen was sure it felt like heartbreak, but looking back she feels no sense of regret about it. Just understanding.
So it would make sense that Rachel wasn’t quite that piece, the one that would really push her over that terrifying edge.
Christen met Tobin one of the very first weeks of freshman year. Her then new friend Julie, had met a then new boy named Zack.
And even now Christen holds a grudge to how the following events played out.
Julie invited Zack and “some guys” over to their shared apartment for a small get together. Which really, Christen had learned, just meant drinking games.
The small twist was that she failed to mention this to Christen. So when Christen heard loud noise from outside her door, she took off her ear buds and simply walked out into the main room.
Here she found two large guys and a girl.
The girls name would become important later, but right now Christens attire was her main concern.
Christen looks down at her sweat pants and practically see through tank, her pajamas, and then looks up to see the eyes of this girl starring back at hers.
The sparkle in them freezing Christen in her spot.
As far as christens first impressions go this was one of the all time lows, and yet for some reason it felt like a high. And the moment her cheeks become red she turns her legs and practically jogs back to her door.
The next day she asked her parents to meet her for lunch.
The next week she told them that she liked girls.
Christen knew her parents would be accepting, and it wasn’t exactly a scary coming out process. But she needed a push, a missing piece.
Right now Christen thinks she understands why Tobin was that piece for her, even during the time she barely knew her. Right now with Tobin’s fingers pressed possessively between hers.
The walk back to Tobins apartment is a bit longer than Christen expected. But Tobin seems to know the way even in her intoxication, and it’s really not that bad out.
‘She does this all the time. Your fine”
Christen repeated it over and over in her head. Holding hands with Tobin was a normal occurrence. Honestly she should be used to it by now. But a bit of paranoia takes over and christens sure her heart beat must be prominent on her hands.
The walk is mostly silent, from a combination of christens deep thinking and the tension filled events of the party they had just left.
But before Christen has a chance to consider what’s about to happen they’re back at Tobin’s apartment. And before Christen has a chance to say goodbye Tobin’s pulling her inside.
The apartment is standard. A small ‘living room’ and then a room with two beds.
Christens getting a little agitated. And it takes her a minute but she realizes it’s because Tobin has yet to say a word. Not a freaking word.
But they’ve stopped walking, hell moving at all, and maybe it’s because neither of them are completely sober that no one talks.
And Tobin’s hand remains in Christen’s .
And just as Christen turns her body toward Tobin to ask her a multitude of questions, Tobin’s hand that wasn’t in christens reaches out and gently presses into christens cheek.
Christen closes her mouth. Effectively halting the hundreds of thoughts and questions she has.
The hand grazes down to the base of christens neck, and Christen feels her legs growing a little weak.
“Tobin..”
It’s weak. A weak plea, and she knows it. Because Tobin takes about a half step toward her and that’s all it takes.
A half a step.
And then Tobins eyes are closed and her lips are so close to christens that the slightest movement would cause something Christen has wanted for so long.
Tobin’s breath on her face was making it much harder to focus on the idea that this was really happening. Christen can feel the tips of Tobin’s fingers gently push into the skin on her neck. Enough to bring her face closer to those lips. Tobin’s lips graze christens and that’s enough for Christen who then puts a hand on Tobin’s side, just above her hip.
Christen gently presses her lips into Tobin’s, and it completely shatters every imagination of the moment.
Her lips are soft and giving, but after a moment they become commanding.
Tobin presses her lips harder into christens. Her breathing slightly labored.
She pulls Christen closer with the hand on her neck and Christen moves her hand just a little lower, onto Tobin’s hip.
Christens not sure how much more of this she can take. The anticipation of this moment potentially happening had been on her mind since freshman year.
And it’s only when Tobin opens her mouth slightly that Christen can taste it. The unmistakeable flavor of cheap vodka and something sweet like coke.
And just like that she takes a half step back.
Tobin doesn’t open her eyes for a moment and keeps her hand on christens neck.
Christens eyes open slowly. She can feel herself growing sad at the scene unfolding.
She drops her hands from Tobin’s body.
Tobin’s eyes open slowly and her eyebrows crease a little at christens actions. Christens hand reaches up to her own neck and hangs onto Tobin’s hand for a second before slowly lowering it away from her.
“Tobin I can’t do this”
Her eyes grow a sadness that you never wanted to be the cause of.
“Chris I.. I want this.”
A small sad smile takes up christens face as her eyes close. She composes herself for this conversation she never wanted to have.
“Is this because of that girl? Chris.. please look at me”
Tobin’s eyes hold this pleading notion, one that Christen is sure could break down this armor she’s pretending to have.
“This isn’t because of Kelley, this is for me”
Tobin’s eyebrows crease immediately this time and her eyes grow.
“Oh, you don’t.. with me you don’t-“
And Christen chuckles a little.
Not in a spiteful way, but in the way a starving man would if he was offered a food that he was allergic to.
Realizing her mistake before Tobin can possibly take it the wrong way, Christen reaches out her hand to Tobin’s.
“I have feeling for you”
It was a simple statement, which only added slightly to how ironic this tragic love story was becoming. Simply to speak of her feelings for Tobin in the elegance of ‘feelings’ felt childish, but it was true nonetheless.
“Like real feelings Tobin.. I just- I’m not-“
Tobin swiftly steps forward and holds christens face with both hands.
Her lips press into Christen’s and Christen can feel her eyes starting to water. Knowing well there’s only one way this can end.
She uses her hand to anchor herself but also to push Tobin arms length away from her face
“Your drunk” the words softly leave Christen’s lips.
“I’ve wanted this for a while” the earnest truthful look in Tobin’s eyes is masked by the way they slowly move from each of Christen’s features.
“I can’t be your experiment.”
And there it was, the root of the problem, the reason there was a problem to begin with.
She could deal with all the canceled hangouts they had planned so Tobin could go to diner with some guy. She could deal with holding Tobin’s hand when they were alone. She could deal with helplessly making a fool of herself every time she took friendly gestures as more than just friendly. She could deal with the pain and she could deal with the self hatred. The kind of self hatred that can only come from loving someone who can’t love you back. She could deal with all of it.
But she couldn’t deal with letting it get further.
It was a dangerous game and Christen knew that allowing Tobin to use her, no matter how pure her intentions, would destroy what was left of her.
Christen would always be Tobin’s Rachel.
“I think I should go”
Christens eyes meet Tobin’s, a bigger part of her than she would ever admit, begging Tobin to stop her. To grab her hand and tell her that it was always Christen. And that it would continue to be Christen even if Christen wouldn’t have her.
But Tobin doesn't grab her hand. And Tobin’s eyes aren’t those of a broken heart. They’re heavy and somewhat unsettlingly understanding.
“I’m sorry”
And Christen doesn’t say it okay. Not because it wasn’t okay but more because it is.
It’s okay.
A small sad smile forms again on christens face and her eyes heavily leave Tobin’s.
Her legs carry her even when she’s not sure she wants to go.