Chapter Text
The relationship with Hux was an odd one. I could tell just by the first days of it. There was sex, there was aggresion in the way we had it and... not much else. He was not a loving person. He didn't do romance and I expected it, although I was still... disappointed. The sex was great, counting by the number of orgasms he brought me to and all the creative ways he played with my body, but there was no intimacy behind it. No soft kisses, no cuddles afterwards, no talk. Just good, old 'bam, wham, thank you madam'.
Initially, I didn't mind it, deciding that it's probably for the best. Feelings would be messy. If we had a breakup, I'd lose my job and there'd just be so much drama. I wanted none of it. Still, the more often we had sex, more I fell for him and longed for things he couldn't give me.
I got what I wanted, I thought with bitterness.
Despite the fact that he promised he'd be mine, I couldn't help but notice he still had his eyes for Mirrea. There was nothing untoward going on, at least not as far as I could tell, but I saw the way he looked at her. He looked at me that way, too, but I'd have preferred if I was the only one. And for some reason, he didn't fire her despite the outrageous misconduct on her part.
I was conflicted. I wanted to talk about my concerns with him, but it's been only few days of our relationship (or so it was supposed to be) and I felt like it's too early. He also didn't do anything wrong so far yet.
"You seem troubled," I heard a familiar voice by my side one late afternoon while I was alone in the office. I turned around and saw Hux, staring at me intensely.
I sighed. There was no way or reason to deny. He was way too good at reading people than to try to deceive him.
"What is it?" he asked as though he was losing his patience already. That was probably the first time he voiced his concern for me.
I licked my lips nervously, looking for a way to answer that question without sounding oppressive or jealous. I was better than that, but I also knew that both these qualities would infuriate him in a woman.
"It's just... what's the deal with you and Mirrea? You said you're going to be loyal to me and yet, you keep making eyes at her," I said, as calm as I could possibly be about this.
"She's beautiful to look at," Hux replied and I wondered if he's purposefully being hurtful to me or is it just the way he interacts with people. "I said I'm going to be yours, but I never said I won't fuck someone I like."
"You said I have nothing to worry about from her!" I screamed outraged. "You said you're going to be mine and that's the same thing as not sleeping with other people!"
Hux remained unimpressed by my outbrust.
"Ah, a case of miscommunication. You see, I do... feel attached emotionally to you, and in that regard I am loyal. Sex is just sex to me, and she's an amazing lay."
I stood up with an angry snarl and swung a fist at him. He caught my hand easily before I could connect it with his face.
"I didn't sleep with her since we started our thing," he continued, but I could hear unspoken 'yet' in his voice, loud and clear.
"What does that matter if you clearly want to and imply that you will?" I asked, feeling hot tears of anger and hurt run down my cheeks. "What the fuck is even wrong with you! What the fuck is this whole big mess we've got ourselves into! Why are you doing all this? Why are you cruel to me when you claim that you... in your own fucked up way... care for me? It makes. No. Fucking. Sense!"
He sighed softly as though he was as lost as I felt. Grip of Hux's hand around my wrist loosened to a gentle touch.
"I can't fire her if that's what you want me to do. She was reprimended for her misdeeds and she been doing better since," was all Hux said. The lack of straightforward answer to my questions made me want to yell in frustration.
"You know what I think?" I asked and he furrowed his eyebrows, listening. "That I'm another element of your rivalry with Kylo Ren. You want me only because he shown interest in me. You wish to own me, but you're not willing to give anything in return. Instead, you do your rivalry thing with me as well, pushing me in a contest for your attention with Mirrea. Every relationship you have is about rivalry. I deserve better. I don't deserve having to give up my friend for you, just so you can play with my feelings like you do. The cheating threat is just... so fucking low. The lowest of the low blows you could ever pull on someone."
"You did the same to me," he shrugged.
"I told you from the beginning that my relationship with Kylo is purely platonic. I never made eyes at him, I never sung praises of his beauty or bed skills, I didn't sleep with him nor did I imply I would." I defended. It was true, though, that the friendship with Ren was to make Hux pull his head out of his ass. "I know what he told you, but it's just not the truth."
"What do you propose then?" Hux asked softly. Maybe I imagined it, but perhaps he was scared of losing me?
"I... I don't know. We can't live in paranoia of thinking the other person is sleeping around. We both have work to do and other things, so let's skip on that kind of stress," I said with a shrug.
"We've just started dating an you already want to break up with me," he whispered, eyes wide with realization.
"I guess I do," I shrugged. "We can't be together until we fix ourselves first. I can be as jealous and as vindictive as you are. And you... you're so spiteful. So mean. So cold. You never hold me or kiss me outside the bed. I feel more like a sex toy than a partner to you."
Hux stood there in silence. He looked heartbroken. For the first time ever I saw such an emotion on his face, and so unguarded. I felt like an asshole for doing this to him but I knew that I had to.
"I just... I don't know how to be, uh... a boyfriend," he said, sounding almost embarassed.
"I can see as much," I sighed. I gently put my hand on his cheek and he leaned into the touch, closing his eyes. He seemed starved for affection. Maybe I should've had shown it to him first?
Well, it was too late now.
"If you want a relationship with me, perhaps we should seek counselling? What we have is poisonous and unhealthy, and I think you know it," I whispered. "We need to stop and start again when we're ready."
"Very well," he said, opening his eyes again. There was fire in those blue hues. "We will find therapists and go our separate ways until we're ready to start anew."
It sounded like a promise and his eyes were bright with determination. It was almost scary, but at least I knew he'd keep his promise... probably.
It was hard. We still worked together, all three of us. The tension in the air was palpable. Hux looked somber, I was sad and Mirrea was just... her old, slutty self. She was even worse now that he didn't seem interested in her advances recently. It'd have been more amusing for me to watch if I wasn't feeling like shit.
I contacted a counsellor, like I promised and I think Hux was even faster to find his. Never doubt the general in completing his mission quickly and efficiently.
My first appointment with doctor B'aksha was so awkward. I had to tell him about me, about reasons why I needed to see him and the whole story behind my relationship with Hux. As I talked about all those plots and schemes, and jealousy play I realized how petty and childish I was. I ended up crying, finally seeing how awful person I could be and that I'd end up even worse if I didn't stop this. The doctor didn't comment on anything so far, just asked more questions about details of the story and about Ren since he was the central part of all this mess. I spent almost two hours in the doctor's office and left feeling emotionally worn out and beaten. He offered me no words of comfort, but I guess I didn't deserve any.
I avoided both Hux and Kylo. The general stared at me often, clearly wanting to approach me. Ren seemed to know what's going on and didn't seemed troubled at all by my mood and just gave me the space I needed. I was grateful for that.
"So... What's up?" asked Mirrea of all people on the next day since my visit at the counsellor's. She had her arms crossed on her chest and she was glaring at me with open suspicion.
I had no time or patience for her shit.
"Work that you and I should be doing," I replied in bored voice. "Go back to your duties unless you want more afterhours."
"Answer me," she demanded and again, I acted like I don't know anything about what she means.
"Ask the question properly and maybe I'll be able to give you some answers," I challenged, earning heated glare from her.
"You know what I mean!" she shouted. Or screeched, more like.
"No, I don't."
"You got between me and Hux! Don't think I'm stupid! He's pushing me away and looks at you like a kicked puppy! Tell me what did you do?!"
I sighed. Her loud, obnoxious high-pitched voice was giving me a headache. I was not really in the mood to explain her how she's the one who got between me and him, and honestly it wasn't a knowledge I'd have trusted her with anyways.
"Go the fuck back to work before I fire you," I said with a finality she had no courage to contest.
Mirrea walked off to her desk and kept glaring at me as she sorted the documents. I was ready to flip her off, but decided that I won't even waste on her the amount of energy needed to do that.