Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Wise men say only fools rush in 
But I can't help falling in love with you

- I can't help falling in Love with you, Elvis Presley (Twenty One Pilots Cover) 

1 Month Later... (3 Months till the wedding)

Clarke was awoken by the slight dip in the bed, the almost invisible movement that the blonde could feel. Clarke stretches, letting out a groan, and moves to secure her arms around Lexa's waist, effectively trapping the brunette there. The lawyer lets out a small yelp of surprise, it’s quiet but it pulls at the corners of Clarke’s lips and she almost smirks, her eyes still closed. "I thought you were asleep." Lexa mumbles and Clarke knows that her eyes are probably fixed on her but she doesn't much care about that, she has the day off and she just wants Lexa to stay.

"Where are you going?" Clarke asks, well, more like complains, tightening her arms around Lexa's waist just a little bit more and the brunette chuckles quietly - the only reason Clarke knows she does chuckle are the soft movements of her body.

"I already slept in," Lexa says with a heavy sigh and Clarke smiles as she feels the brunette turn towards her now. "not all of us are skipping work." Lexa retorts sassily and Clarke opens her eyes. She had intended to scowl at her fiancée but, as soon as she saw Lexa's face, framed by her wild curls, bed hair really, and her piecing forest green eyes, she felt a rush of warmth through her chest, and maybe other places too, and all she could do was smile stupidly up at the woman because she was marrying her, Clarke was marrying her and she couldn't quite believe it.

Lexa raises a subtle eyebrow in response to Clarke's silence, normally she's given just as good back by the blonde but she seems awfully distracted before her arms shift from Lexa's waist and come around her neck to pull her back down into the sheets. "Don't go," Clarke says and Lexa can do nothing but let the blonde pin her to the bed.

Clarke sits on her stomach, she looks unapologetically beautiful, which Lexa thinks should be some kind of crime, especially in the morning, because, honestly, here she is: a blonde goddess, glowing in the morning sun, her blue eyes like the sky on a clear summers day and Clarke is absolutely stunning, beyond words. Lexa was marrying that.

The blonde leans down and places a kiss to Lexa's lips and Lexa places her hands on Clarke's hips to keep her steady, she closes her eyes and she just melts. Clarke smirks into the kiss, feeling she had sufficiently convinced Lexa to skip work and call in sick, but then she feels Lexa lift slightly off the bed and in a split second Clarke is bouncing into the soft quilt of the bed and Lexa is breaking their kiss and standing up.

Clarke groans, sitting up a little to watch as her fiancée walked around the bedroom to begin getting ready. She places her head on her hand and watches idly and contentedly as Lexa begins her morning routine, though it's at a quicker pace than usual. Clarke shouldn't be surprised really, if Lexa wouldn't even call in sick when she actually was sick why would she now? It's amusing to the blonde to see Lexa rushing around, normally she's the one who’s up early, coffee made and ushering Clarke around to go to work at the hospital, but not today, Lexa was hastily tying up her hair into her tight bun and looking for her shirt and blazer all the while Clarke was a happy spectator.

She'd been sent home to sleep by her attending after pulling a forty hour shift with Wells, and Lexa had been asleep on the couch surrounded by paperwork, because, she'd told Clarke, she was trying to secure a pretty big contract with a new client and Indra was relying on her, and Clarke had listened with fondness at Lexa's sheer concentration it was cute and the case hit home for Lexa on a lot of bases that Clarke couldn't begin to understand for herself.

They had been so different, brought up in completely alternate realities, Lexa was from a big city, she'd lost her father when she was just a kid and her uncle when she was a teenager, not to mention she had limited friends by the names of Lincoln and Anya who Clarke was certain were branded the ‘weird group’ of high school, Lexa had been bullied and tormented for her sexuality, and also her very high GPA, but then Lexa had made something of herself, she was a hotshot lawyer, working for a hotshot firm, with other people interested in her, she'd suffered a tragic past with the loss of Costia but here Lexa was, healing, better, getting on with her life.

And then there was Clarke, whom Lexa was marrying, the popular girl in high school, she still had both of her parents, which she was so thankful for, she was born with money, which gave her more freedom than most teens, though she'd had to deal with the suffocating expectations of her mother, not to mention she wasn't a city girl like Lexa, but she had suffered loss like Lexa, and they were both here, helping each other heal, moving on, finally. Until Clarke had met Lexa a part of her had thought that she'd never find happiness again, that maybe she wasn't worthy of it, and she freaked out on occasion that she'd lose Lexa, that her happiness was temporary and the universe was setting herself up just to be smacked down again, and losing Lexa? That was not an option. Clarke couldn't survive without Lexa, no, she'd be destroyed. Even just thinking about it made Clarke's heart hammer and her palms sweat.

Anyway, where they differed, it didn't matter, because they were a perfect match and Clarke had been sceptical at best when Lexa had spewed her ideas on the North Star when they had first met, the idea of finding someone who brought consistency, who you could look at when your world was falling apart and simply not care because they were there, and everything felt good and right, but Clarke had found her North Star and a part of her felt as though she was always meant to find Lexa, no matter what world or universe or whatever, as cheesy as it sounds, and it sounds pretty cheesy, Clarke would always find Lexa, her North Star, the person she hopes and trusts in.

"What are you thinking about?" Clarke jolts a little when she hears Lexa's voice break into her thoughts. She'd been so distracted by her thoughts of the woman she hadn't noticed that Lexa was ready to leave. Clarke smiles and sits up, so she's resting on her knees, and just about eye level with Lexa, who was standing at the edge of the bed.

"You." Clarke admits, wrapping her arms around Lexa's neck and the brunette does her not smile smile, the one where she isn't obviously smiling, it's a barely smile, Clarke can't explain it, but boy does she love that smile because it's so genuine and real. "Are you happy?" Clarke asks, it's a question she asked Lexa the first time they met, when they had been standing under the skylight in Clarke's studio, when Lexa hadn't been able to sleep, when she had been a broken and damaged girl, ‘damaged goods’ her mother had called her, and she hadn't really known what happiness was for a long time. Lexa had responded with content, not happy, not sad, well, maybe a little sad but somewhere in between and Clarke hadn't told her but she'd understood that feeling completely.

Lexa pauses, her green eyes search Clarke's blue eyes for a very long moment, the air grows thick and Clarke almost feels suffocated by the silence, Lexa's arms around her waist tighten and her barely smile turns into her lopsided one. "I'm happy." Lexa whispers and it's only two words but they hit Clarke like a ton of bricks, or maybe a better analogy, they hit Clarke like cold water on a sweltering hot day, like taking a leap into a pit of balls when you're a kid, there's this inexplicable bubbling of happiness in her gut and she just smiles like a lovestruck teenager.

"I'm happy too." Clarke replies, just as quietly, this was their bubble and Clarke couldn't believe that she'd get to wake up to this for the rest of her life. Lexa lets out a soft sigh and her lips turn up before she glances at the clock and she knows she has to go but she also doesn't want this moment to end. "I seriously get separation anxiety whenever you leave." Clarke confesses and it's not that crazy, she tells Lexa everything anyway, plus it's not like it's a lie, whenever Lexa isn't beside her she freaks out a little.

"I know," Lexa says, placing a lingering kiss to Clarke's forehead before pulling back. "I feel the same way."

"Ugh," Clarke groans, falling back on the bed and letting Lexa go. "I hate that you have to work today." Clarke complains and maybe she does sound like a whining baby but she means it, she just wants to laze around her apartment with her fiancée for once, is that so bad?

"You have a busy day planned, I'm sure you won't miss me that much." Lexa says and Clarke knew that wasn't true but she didn't feel like bringing that up.

She follows Lexa out into the living room hearing Oreo meow from the kitchen, probably looking for his food, the cat had piled on the pounds since living with them, not that that was a bad thing since he'd been pretty skinny before. "Don't forget we have plans with Luna tonight." Clarke warns and Lexa groans a little, picking up her briefcase with a sigh.

"Don't remind me," She pouts a little and Clarke finds it adorable.

She leans against the doorway of the kitchen and Lexa turns to face her. "Do you want to cancel?" Clarke asks carefully. She knew Luna was a sore spot for Lexa, and she still wasn't entirely sure if Lexa was meeting her for herself or for Clarke - Clarke never wanted Lexa to feel pressured to do something she didn't want to do.

"No," Lexa sighs dramatically and it pulls at the corners of Clarke's lips - such a drama queen. "this dinner should happen, she's never going to stop asking so..." Lexa shrugs and grabs some loose files and places them in her case. "I'm off to work I guess." She says and Clarke smirks taking a few steps towards her.

"Don't have too much fun without me." Clarke teases, leaning up to place a quick kiss to her fiancée's cheek.

"You're the one who gets to go and look at wedding china with Raven all day." Lexa teases back and Clarke grumbles a little.

"I can't believe you're leaving me to that torture."

"Of Raven or wedding china shopping?" Lexa asks lightly and Clarke chuckles.

"Both, definitely both." Clarke decides. The blonde takes Lexa by the collar of her blazer and pulls her in for a real kiss this time, she just couldn’t resist. Lexa melts into the kiss easily, it’s gentle and a little chaste but full of love and Clarke was amazed how she could get such a feeling from a simple kiss. When they part, Clarke’s eyes flicker open slowly, gazing at the green eyed beauty in front of her, if she could she’d spend the entire day with Lexa, just enjoying one another’s company, but, unfortunately, being an adult meant you had to work, for obvious reasons.

Lexa clears her throat and shakes her head, which Clarke finds somewhat adorable, she was glad to see the kiss had affected her just as much as it had Clarke. Then, as though Raven had heard them talking about her before, she bursts through the front door of the apartment and the couple’s moment is interrupted. Lexa grumbles grumpily, whispering that she really had to get that bell for Raven, before she glances at the nearby clock. “I’m running late anyway,” Lexa says stepping away from Clarke, she looks back at her when she reaches Raven, who was still stood in the doorway, her Raven Reyes smirk on her face. “I’ll see you later.” Clarke can tell Lexa doesn’t want to leave either and that feels so validating that Lexa too felt so strongly connected that she, Lexa Woods, wants to abandon work for Clarke.

“This is gross.” Raven says, breaking the tension between the couple and Clarke rolls her eyes in amused annoyance as Lexa looks at Raven with annoyance.

“Good morning Raven,” Lexa says as Raven moves from the doorway to allow the lawyer to slip pass. “have fun today.”

“Oh you so know I won’t.” Raven responds and Lexa gives Raven a smug look knowing that she definitely wouldn't, but she makes her way out of the apartment and Raven is closing the door before anything else is spoken.

Raven looks to Clarke expectantly, who ignores her and goes to the kitchen to feed Oreo. Raven follows Clarke anyway and something hits Clarke, Lexa was making peace with Luna, an old friend who she had once been close too, Clarke had never made peace with Raven, her best friend, who she loved dearly. “Why didn’t Octavia get dragged into this?” Raven complains, hunting through the cupboards to find something to snack on.

“Because Octavia is not even in the country?” Clarke says, giving Raven a look of confusion and the mechanic turns around, letting out a grunt of disapproval.

“Excuses, excuses.” Clarke shakes her head at her best friend, laughing in fond amusement. Raven stops her searching and settles simply for stroking Oreo who, after eating his food in some sort of Cat Olympics time record, had settled back on one of the kitchen counters.

“Let me get dressed and we’ll head out.” Clarke says, sticking her thumb over her shoulder in the direction of the bathroom, she had, after all, only just gotten out of bed.

“You’re not going out dressed like that?” Raven asks sarcastically. She plants her hands on her hips and faces Clarke once again. “Actually, I have something I want to show you today.” Clarke raises an eyebrow in question, especially at the smug smile Raven seemed to be wearing on her face, but something told Clarke the brunette wasn’t going to let anything slip just yet. So, Clarke turns and leaves Raven in the kitchen, her mind running to Lexa as it so often did.

//

The weather was the kind of weather where it isn’t raining yet but you know at some point it probably will. The clouds are a dark grey and makes the city’s grey pallet gloomy and a little dark. Clarke didn’t want to take the weather as some foreboarding for their dinner that was going to happen tonight but a small part of her thought maybe it was: a warning before the storm. Clarke was thinking about how she was going to even fare at this dinner, she wanted to give Luna and Lexa space to work out their problems and a small part of her felt she was the third wheel. She was more there for moral support, she had no business butting into their issues, but if Lexa wanted her, even if it was to just sit and hold her hand, then Clarke was there.

Clarke’s drawn out of her thoughts when she feels arms wrap around her own and she looks to her right to see Raven giving her a concerned look but still her usual cocky grin that was just Raven’s face. Truth be told, as much as it sucked that she and Lexa hadn’t been spending as much time together because of their jobs, she also misses hanging out with her best friend, although Raven always came over at some point, but the brunette herself had also been busy and when Clarke had inquired Raven had always responded by zipping her lips. So it was nice just to be in Raven’s presence, and yet, something wasn’t sitting right with Clarke and she wasn’t sure if Raven could feel it too.

“We need to talk bachelor parties.” Raven says and Clarke turns her head to the side - she’d kind of adopted that move from Lexa too. “So is green eyes having a separate one from you? Because you guys seem joined at the hip.” Raven says and Clarke chuckles.

“I don’t know Raven, if I’m honest, I didn’t think we were going to have one at all.” Raven pulls a face at that, straightening up.

“No way Griff Griff, you have to have one, because I say so.” Raven decides and Clarke feels as though she has little choice in this matter, even if she wanted to refuse, Raven never could be stopped when she made her mind up on something. “So I’m thinking Lexa’s apartment, lots and lots of alcohol, we invite some of our friends from Polis down and hire a stripper.” Raven says grinning and Clarke rolls her eyes.

“I already told you no stripper,” Clarke says.

“But Clarrrrke ,” Raven whines and Clarke has to laugh at the way Raven says her name - sometimes she’s so childish. “we have to have a stripper, it’s only right.” Clarke shakes her  head.

“I’m not having some stranger getting half naked in my apartment that I share with my fiance.” Clarke says definitely. Raven goes to pout before her chocolate eyes seem to light up with some new kind of idea which makes Clarke a little nervous.

“Okay, fine.” Raven concedes and Clarke narrows her eyes in suspicion. Raven Reyes never so easily gave up like that, not ever. Clarke wanted to know what she was panning but, before she could ask, Raven was pulling her into a store.

Clarke forgets about Raven once she’s inside because she’s amazed at all the fine china she sees in front of her. The place is littered with plates, cups, bowls pretty much everything you need for a fancy dinner, with various different patterns and prints to give them a little something extra, though Clarke can see plenty of plain ones too. Clarke feels a little nervous and claustrophobic, she doesn’t want to move an inch in case she stumbles and knocks over a single cup or something and the entire store just smashes, like some kind of china pate dominos, she didn’t want to become the bull in the china shop, that would be extremely unfortunate for her.

On the other hand, Raven seemed to be moving through the store just fine and, if there was anyone who would break an entire china store it would be Raven, so, if she was okay, Clarke was pretty certain she would be too. If Clarke’s honest, she didn't even know where to start, or even that she needed this kind of thing, she didn't really know what you needed for a wedding, which is bad considering, well, she’s getting married , but when you have an Abby Griffin planning the whole thing, Clarke pretty much can take a backseat drive to everything. Something good had to come from her mother’s control freaky-ness, it was only fair for Clarke to receive pay back for all the years she’d dealt with it.

Clarke follows Raven, who seems to have no issues about damaging any items as she continuously holds up items on her way through which Clarke cringes at. Clarke’s not even sure where to begin, or how she should really pick, do people really do this when they get married? It just seems so pointless, Clarke is perfectly fine with ordinary plates though she supposes the patterns are pretty. She feels like Lexa should be here, what if she picked something that Lexa hated?

“Raven,” Clarke says, reaching out and touching the brunette’s elbow. “I don’t think I’m equipt to pick out china.” Raven laughs at the blonde and places the plate she had in her hands down where she found it.

“We could blow this off?” Raven suggests. “You could come back at some other time with Lexa or something?” Clarke had to admit that was more appealing but there was three months till the wedding, was this not something she had to have had done by now? Clarke feels a rush come over her, like a sudden wave of realisation crashing down on her, like a wave does on the beach. Raven seems to recognise the signs before Clarke even really knows what is happening.

The brunette grabs Clarke by the arm and pulls her towards the exit. When they get outside Clarke leans against the wall, Raven standing in front of her. All Clarke can think about is she’s going be walking down the aisle in three months and she doesn’t even know if everything they need is done, she didn’t know anything . “Clarke,” Raven says, cupping Clarke’s face. “breathe.” She says.

“No, Raven, there’s- there’s too much to do!” Clarke protests, she’s panicking, that feeling of something not sitting right with Clarke before made sense now, she was feeling anxious and now her anxiety had caught up with her.

“Okay,” Raven says firmly, she glances around while Clarke clutches at her best friend who’s kind of her life line right now. Clarke had had these panic attacks before, especially during stressful situations, but she hadn't had one since she’d finished her intern exams because it was usually before those kind of situations, she’d work herself up and feel overwhelmed. “then don’t think about what there is to do, think about Lexa.” Raven says, staring Clarke right in the eyes. Usually, Clarke wouldn’t normally recommended bringing Lexa up when she’s already finding it hard to breathe but the thought of Lexa does bring a little clarity back to the blonde.

“Yeah, think about Lexa, don’t think about everything that needs to be done, just think about walking down that aisle, seeing Lexa, marrying her and everything that will come after, there’s nothing you can’t handle with her at your side, right?” Raven asks. Clarke nods her head frantically, closing her eyes, she thinks about her fiancee, her soon to be wife, she remembers what they had said before when searching for a venue, how they’d be happy to marry one another wherever, city hall, the side of the street, anywhere , so maybe the pressure Clarke felt was all for nothing, so long as at the end of the day Lexa was beside her and they were married nothing else mattered. Clarke’s breaths slow down dramatically at the thought and Raven’s words echo in her mind, ‘there’s nothing you can’t handle with her at your side, right’ that’s true, Lexa is all she needs.

When Clarke reopens her eyes she’s much calmer, she’s still gripping Raven’s bomber jacket with an ironclad grip and she loosens it as soon as her breaths even out. Raven’s concern is clear as day on her face but she seems to relax more as Clarke does. “Sorry,” Clarke says but Raven shakes her head no because Clarke didn’t have to apologise, that made zero sense. Raven had seen these panic attacks before, she’d often been the one to bring Clarke down, she was glad to have Raven here.

“If you’re feeling overwhelmed maybe you should talk to your mom,” Raven suggests and Clarke let’s go of her friend’s jacket, realising she was still holding it. “it might feel as though there’s so much to do but if I know Abby she’s probably got this whole fiesta down to a tee.”

“Did you just call my wedding a fiesta?” Clarke asks with a mock tone of disapproval and Raven grins.

“Come on Griffin, let’s go get something to eat, we can leave this for later.” Raven promises. Clarke agrees because she didn’t know if she could go back into the store and not freak out again. Who knew china plates could be so triggering.

Raven takes the blonde’s hand and pulls her towards a nearby diner. It was starting to rain, it was drizzling really, barely even rain, but Clarke could feel it; the start of the storm to come. When they enter the diner it’s all but empty excluding a few patrons who sit at the bar with steaming coffees. Raven and Clarke slide into an empty booth facing one another and Clarke feels better, a lot less shaky, then she did just a moment ago. Maybe her freak out wasn’t just about the wedding, though some of it had to be that, but maybe she was anxious about this dinner tonight, and other areas of her life, she was moving on, Clarke knew that, the chapter of her life which had focused on Finn and her grief, that was coming to a close and she was more than willing to start her new chapter with Lexa and hopefully get that happy ending but it’s hard letting go, even when you want to, and Clarke wasn’t sure she had closure, she wasn’t even sure what closure looked like.

She looks up at Raven and she wants to talk about it with her but they’ve never talked about Finn to each other, not since the accident, and Clarke’s reluctant to bring it up now, sitting here in a diner, so rather she orders her waffles and listens to Raven’s ranting. “You okay?” Raven asks after finishing some sort of story, Clarke wasn’t sure, she had been too busy biting on her bottom lip.

“I’m fine,” Clarke replies before taking a sip of her coffee. “you wanted to show me something right?” Clarke questions curiously. Raven gives her a skeptical look, Clarke can tell she doesn’t believe her, if there’s anyone who knows Clarke better than Lexa it’s Raven, and Octavia for that matter. Clarke feels like a teenager again, she’d often go to the diner near her old high school with Raven and Octavia, talking about boys or girls, or anything really, that was a simpler time.

“Yeah,” Raven says, bringing Clarke back to the conversation at hand. “I do.” The waiter comes over and places their respective orders in front of them with a polite smile before he turns and walks away again leaving them to talk. Clarke nibbles at her waffles half heartedly, she isn’t sure when her day took such a sour turn, the panic attack hadn’t been pleasant but it had come out of the blue, her mood had done a complete one eighty, maybe it was just the pressure, the timer she seemed to be on and not enough time. She shakes her head, no way she was going down that road. Raven, across from her, seemed to be watching and Clarke just really wanted to turn her mood back to what it had been when she’d woken up this morning, engaged and in love, if anyone could do that, who wasn’t Lexa, it was Raven.

“Alrighty Clarkey,” Raven says and that brings a trace of a smile to Clarke’s lips and makes her waffles and coffee taste a little better than they did before. “finish your waffles and we’ll be right on our merry way.” Raven picks her mug up and Clarke finally does smile, raising her own mug, she clinks it softly against Raven’s who winks for added effect. Clarke wasn’t sure what she’d done to deserve a Raven Reyes in her life but boy was she glad she had one - even if she was really annoying at times. Clarke shakes her head and sips her coffee feeling significantly better than she had only a few moments ago.

Once the waffles are gone, and they had both finished their coffees, Clarke was feeling a lot better and following Raven down the busy streets of Arkadia. Raven had her hands shoved in her pants pockets as she strolled down the street. It was even darker outside than it had been before, the weather was clearly getting worse, Clarke was a little worried it was just going to start pouring down with rain without any notice at any time but she followed Raven anyway.

When they reach a street corner Raven turns with a wide grin and Clarke narrows her eyes suspiciously at her best friend. “Close your eyes.” Raven orders and Clark doesn’t fail to notice the excited tone she was using and the bouncy-ness, though Raven was always kind of hyperactive like that.

“Close my eyes?” Clarke asks, crossing her arms across her chest in mock protest. “That sounds unsafe.” Though Clarke knew she’d probably give in to Raven’s request in the end, she did have some worries about closing her eyes, especially when Raven was leading her, she trusted the brunette sure but sometimes Raven had a tendency to get distracted and in the city near roads that’s not the safest thing.

“Don’t worry about it Griff Griff,” Raven says, swiping her hand through the air before standing beside Clarke, her elbow extended. “I got you, I promise.” Clarke couldn’t argue with that so, reluctantly, she closes her eyes, looping her arm through Raven’s extended one. Raven guides the blonde to wherever she was taking her very carefully and Clarke found herself laughing when Raven almost trips at one time.

They walk only a little when Clarke feels Raven leave her on the sidewalk and the rattle of something alerts her to the fact that Raven was doing something, she just didn’t know what, and then she’s being pulled by her hand forward. She feels Raven place her hands on her shoulders and Clarke raises her eyebrows, keeping her eyes closed, until Raven deemed it okay for her to open them. “Okay,” Raven says and the excited edge to her voice was unmistakable at this point. “open them.” At the same time as Clarke blinks open her eyes Raven moves her hands from Clarke’s shoulders, stepping to the side. Clarke frowns at first, seeing a metal garage door, before she looks up and reads the sign ‘Reyes Repairs’ on a shiny white background, in fact, Clarke looked around and she realised that she wasn’t just stood in any random garage, this is what Raven had come to Arkadia for, this was her garage.

Clarke whirls on Raven, she felt overwhelmingly happy for her friend, who was grinning just as wide as Clarke. “It only took two months to get everything perfected,” Raven comments. “and literally all my savings, thank god Lexa and Lincoln let me stay rent free, but now I have my own place to work, all mine.” Raven says, extending her arms towards the garage, it was her baby and Clarke could tell Raven was more than excited to finally own her own shop. Raven had worked under many people, for people, and she hated it, she was an amazing mechanic and engineer and, yet, she had never felt valued by any of her employers but she’d had to stick it out and on the side she’d save up so she could do this. This was her dream and Clarke was so happy for the brunette.

“Here.” Raven tosses keys at Clarke who catches them in her hands. The brunette nods her head in the direction of the garage telling Clarke to open it. Clarke steps towards the large garage door and unlocks the padlock that was keeping the shop secure and, with the help of Raven, they both open the door only enough so they could both walk in with ease. The floor was shiney, to perfection, and the roof high, at least two stories of emptiness, there were several machines around the room that Clarke couldn’t even begin to explain what they did, or what they were used for, she did know one lifted cars off the ground but that’s about as much as she knew about mechanics.

The place must have cost Raven a small fortune and Clarke was pretty sure this hadn't been only Raven’s savings but the mechanic had probably also took out a loan. If Raven had asked Clarke would have given her the other half, she was more than willing to invest in Raven, but she also knew that wasn’t Raven’s style, she didn’t like to borrow money from friends and she liked to earn everything on her own. The machinery, that Clarke didn’t know too much about, clearly meant a lot to Raven who was running her hands across them lovingly and Clarke chuckles softly to herself. It seemed Clarke wasn't the only one making a life for themself in Arkadia.

Clarke drifts back over to her best friend, who had sat down in an office part of the building, behind a desk which she had of course thrown her feet up onto because it was Raven . “Legally brunette helped with some legal stuff,” Raven says from her chair which she had thrown her hands behind her head on. “boring stuff, like fixed rent, blah, blah, blah,” Raven makes a gesture with her hand to show her lack of knowledge and probably Lexa’s legal speak, which she tended to go off on a tangent about, not that Clarke minded. “I told her to keep it secret so I could surprise you.” Raven says looking at Clarke again. Clarke nods her head, examining the office, on the cork board, which was against the wall behind Raven, she could see the brunette already had several appointments and she’d even taken to pinning some personal photos on the board.

Clarke stands and maneuvers around Raven to look at the photos closer and the mechanic drops her feet to the ground, spinning around on her office chair to watch Clarke. Clarke smiles at the photos: one was of her, Raven and Octavia, when they had gone on a school trip that seemed like so long ago, they were seventeen, young and full of life, if only younger Clarke had known what was in store for her because boy was it a doozy. Most of the photos were like that, some of college years, or more recent ones, there was even one of Raven and Lexa, with Lexa glaring at Raven who had probably insisted on taking the photo without the support of Lexa but it draws a laugh from Clarke anyway. And then there was one photo that Clarke pauses at and hesitantly puts between her thumb and finger.

It was a picture of Finn and Raven, only the two of them, if Clarke had to guess she’d say it was senior year graduation, Raven has her arm slung around Finn who is laughing at a joke Raven had just said and Clarke knows because she’s the one behind the camera. Clarke feels a dull ache in her chest but it’s nothing like the all consuming depression she had felt before at the mere thought of Finn, she had gotten rid of her own photos of Finn, not that they had many just the two of them, but it had been painful to even glance at them and now, she was here, staring at the picture of him and sure she felt sad but it was a wistful sadness not grief. Maybe Clarke should feel a little guilty but even guilt was hard to feel, she wished that things could’ve been different, that Finn could have been here today, but he’s not and that’s sad but he would’ve wanted Clarke to be happy, he would’ve wanted her to move on, and she was, finally.

Raven stands up beside Clarke whose fingers were still lingering over the photo. “That was a good day.” Raven comments, though Clarke can tell she’s secretly wondering what’s going on in Clarke’s head.

“Yeah,” Clarke says, withdrawing her hand and looking at Raven. “it was.” She agrees. Raven holds her gaze for a whole minute and Clarke considers bringing up the thing they’ve never discussed but Raven is grinning in the next second and pulling Clarke towards the exit. “I’m really proud of you Raven.” Clarke says once they reach outside. Raven fixes the lock pad in place and turns to face Clarke.

“I hope you’re not expecting a wedding gift,” She says playfully. “I’m now broke.” Clarke laughs and follows Raven. She doesn’t want to say it to Raven, because it’s the most cheesiest of things she’s ever thought, but Raven’s friendship was all she needed.

//

When they get back to the apartment Clarke feels this sudden urgency in her chest. Lexa was closing a wound tonight at her dinner with Luna, for better or for worse, and Clarke herself had a wound she hadn’t yet addressed. Raven didn’t seem to notice Clarke’s inner turmoil, she sat on the couch, put her feet on the coffee table and then turned the TV on. Clarke had known Raven for 14 years, which is just over a quarter of her life, she trusts Raven more than she trusts anyone, except maybe Octavia and Lexa, but they don’t count at this moment and yet they had issues, issues Clarke had never really talked to the brunette about.

After Finn’s death, Clarke had been withdrawn, it took her weeks, months before she could face her friends again and by that time Raven was back to being Raven - kind of anyway. Raven did use humour as her default setting, and especially as a defence mechanism, but it had always felt kind of wrong to Clarke that they’d never talked this out. And now Clarke was here, engaged to be wed, she hadn’t fully closed that chapter of Finn and so long as she didn’t then she didn’t feel like she could move on to this new chapter that she and Lexa were so expertly carving out for themselves.

As it turns out, Clarke doesn’t even have a chance to make the decision, it’s made for her when she realises the TV is no longer making any noise and Raven is looking at her with concern. “You’re gonna chew your lip off Griffin,” Raven says with a small chuckle, her smile quickly fades though and she climbs to her feet. Clarke hadn’t even realised she was biting her lip. “did today freak you out? I mean, I like Lexa, a lot, but if you’re getting cold feet and you want to run, I’ll help you, you know that right?” And there was that humour Clarke was so fond of.

Clarke shakes her head and walks towards Raven who steps towards her too, they meet mid way and Clarke suddenly feels very nervous. This isn’t just her wound to re-open, this is Raven’s too. Clarke falters with her words and then, something very rare occurs, Raven’s serious face emerges. Raven does use humour as a defence mechanism, and she is one of the most sarcastic people Clarke knows, but, when it’s called for, Raven is as serious as they come and you can tell when she’s in that mindset, her chocolate brown eyes somehow become pools of thought and concern, her lips fall from their constant smirk to a hard straight line and she’s patient which, considering who Raven is, her patience was probably the most impressive of the ‘Reyes Seriousness.

“Raven I-“ Clarke doesn’t even know where to begin. How could she? Raven was her best friend, the last thing she wanted to do was hurt her. Clarke takes Raven’s hand and leads her to the couch thinking over her strategy for how she could navigate such a conversation. Sitting there, on the couch, with Raven looking at her with deep concern, Clarke realised why she had never talked about this, a part of her, though it may be small, felt she had lost Raven that day. It was silly, Raven had always been there, before, after, always . Clarke’s bond with her was strong and true but there was also the fact that they’d never actually talked this out, they’d just buried it and maybe that was why Clarke was having such a hard time letting go, because she hadn’t talked her feelings out.

Better out than in.

“Do you blame me?” Clarke asks quietly. Raven’s eyebrows lower in confusion at first, she doesn’t seem to understand the question, not quite, but then Clarke sees exactly when she understands, her eyebrows go back up and she leans back slightly. “I know you and Finn were family,” Clarke says and Raven leans further back. “I stole him from you, dated him, fell in love with him and then fell out of love with him but held on.” Clarke says. Raven was scarily quiet, especially for Raven Reyes, it was so rare for her to be so silent that Clarke was beginning to regret that she’d decided to talk this out.

Another realisation comes suddenly to Clarke, Raven hadn’t moved on either, like Clarke hadn’t before, she’d been so wrapped up in her own feelings, her own grief, she’d totally forgotten that Raven had grieved the loss too, the loss of family. Clarke knew Raven and Finn’s story well, they had been neighbours, known each other since they were kids, they’d even had a pretend wedding at 7 with candy rings, Finn had looked after Raven when her mother didn’t, which had been often, he even helped her after the accident, when Raven had felt extremely depressed that even Clarke and Octavia didn’t know how to help, but he did.

“What-“ Clarke’s attention is drawn back to Raven who was fiddling with the bird that hung around her neck - a gift from Finn. “What brought this on?” She asks, shaking her head and looking at Clarke. Her eyes are a little shiney and Clarke feels awful, she does, but this needs to happen for both of them.

“We never talked about it... the accident.” Clarke says, shifting her weight. “I know you loved him more than me,” Raven looks at Clarke then, with an emotion that Clarke can’t place, she’s not lying, that’s the thing, she’s being honest with her best friend, but the look Raven gives her, she hates that she can’t read it, she can always read Raven. “It’s true, if we hadn’t-“ Clarke sighs. “If I hadn’t held on, we wouldn’t have argued, he wouldn’t have went to that bar and he’d still be alive.” Clarke’s voice breaks a little at the end of her sentence, she can feel her eyes beginning to fill up but she can’t cry, she just can’t, not now, she has to keep looking at Raven.

Raven takes a deep breath, closing her eyes, and Clarke can’t help it, she lets her tears fall silently wiping them away. Then she feels hands wrap around her wrists and Clarke looks up to see a blurry Raven looking her right in the eyes. “I never blamed you Clarke,” Raven says so forceful and steady that Clarke feels she must be telling the truth. “what happened that night was an accident , how could you know what would happen? You couldn’t.” Raven says lowering Clarke’s hands. She wipes the tears from Clarke’s cheeks and smiles at the blonde sadly.

“You’re right,” Raven concedes. “we both lost a loved one that night and we never talked about it which, is probably unhealthy,” Clarke laughs a little through her tears at the way Raven says that. “but I never blamed you Clarke, I love you,” Clarke smiles at that confession as Raven moves closer. “we’ve lost people, and it took a long time for me to be okay, but it took you just as long, and I always knew with you by my side, and Octavia, even Bell, and everyone else, including those we just met, Lexa, Anya...” Raven looks down briefly. “I knew we’d make it here... whole .” Raven concludes. And then Clarke’s hugging her, wrapping her arms around the brunette in a tight hug, enticing an ‘oof’ in surprise from Raven.

Raven and Clarke had been through a lot, at first they hadn’t quite liked one another, Clarke had stolen Raven’s boyfriend after all, but then there was just something that brought them together, together they were stronger, they were bonded through tragedies and through time. Best friends are special in a way Clarke can’t describe, someone who always has your back, if Lexa was Clarke’s romantic soulmate then Raven was her platonic soulmate, two halves that were always meant to find each other in some way. Raven hugs just as tightly, squeezing the blonde affectionately, when they pull away they’ve both got tear streaks down their cheeks but they’re also laughing.

Clarke felt lighter, like she’d let out a breath that she didn’t know she’d been holding for so long, now she was glad that she’d brought this up, in the end, Clarke could handle blaming herself but if Raven did too? That would break her. “I love you Raven.” Clarke says and Raven grins so wide Clarke’s pretty certain it’s going to get stuck there but it’s also Raven’s goofy smile which always makes Clarke smile too.

“I love you too blondie,” Raven repeats, as though that should be obvious to Clarke, and, yeah, maybe it was but they didn’t say it enough and if there’s something Clarke knows, it’s that if you love someone tell them because anything could happen, at any time, and they deserve to know that they are loved.

“Are we done being saps?” Raven asks feigning a shudder. “I feel like Lexa at this level of sappiness.” Clarke laughs and hits Raven playfully on her chest. Yeah, Clarke loved that girl, plus, Raven had a point about Lexa being a huge sap. They settle back on the couch and turn the TV on settling in a comfortable silence.

//

Clarke didn’t leave that relaxing position all afternoon, even after Raven had gotten a text and cryptically left. Clarke would have questioned her further had she not still been recovering from their emotional talk, plus, Raven was a grown up, well, kind of a grown up, she could take care of herself and Clarke trusted her to keep herself out of trouble, well, mostly .

Her peaceful relaxing was interrupted, however, when there was a knock on the door. Clarke sits up, pausing Netflix on the documentary she was watching and pads her way over to the door to answer it who she sees surprises her somewhat."Ms Woods?" Clarke is taken aback at first, seeing Lexa's mom standing at the door, holding a clear glass cooking tray in her hands, covered with tin foil, Lexa hadn't said anything about her mother stopping by, Clarke was a little blind sighted.

"Clarke please," She says, stepping into the apartment, Clarke steps out of her way, allowing the woman into the room. "call me Lucy."

"Right," Clarke smiles, closing the door. "sorry." Lexa's mom waves over her shoulder dismissively, walking towards the kitchen and Clarke follows quickly after her. She places the tray of something down on the counter and Clarke raises an eyebrow in confusion trying to prompt the woman into explaining why she was here, not that Clarke minded. "You brought snacks?" Clarke asks curiously and Lucy glances at the tray before chuckling.

"Something I used to do for Alexandria when she was little, it's silly, you don't want to hear about that." Clarke scoffs at that remark.

"Please, I'd spend an entire day listening to childhood stories about Lexa." Clarke says, just the thought of a younger Lexa makes Clarke smile, she could imagine her tooth missing, probably dressed like a total dork, pigtails and everything.

"Well, I used to make Alexandria brownies whenever there was bad news or a difficult situation." Lucy admits and Clarke's immediately on alert, she stands a little taller, her eyes widening a little, she's immediately concerned about Lexa's mother. "Oh relax, I'm fine, I'm referencing your dinner event tonight."

"Oh," Clarke says, letting out a breath of relief, she liked Lexa's mom, she was like a real mom, making brownies for a little Lexa, Clarke's mom never did such a thing, it almost made her jealous. "she mentioned that?" Lucy lets out a displeased grunt, lifting the tin foil from the brownies and Clarke's mouth immediately starts watering, the brownies smelt like slices of heaven.

"Briefly that's how I knew it was bothering her." Lucy says and at Clarke's raised brow she expands, pulling two plates from a nearby cupboard. "Alexandria isn't that open with her feelings but I can always tell when something is causing her great anxiety, that, and I know how much Costia affected her, Luna had a role in that."

"Yeah, could you-" Clarke pauses, unsure if she should really ask further, maybe that was betraying Lexa's trust, maybe she should just ask Lexa but, then again, Clarke would find out soon enough anyway. "What exactly happened between them? Lexa mentioned that Luna played a role in getting her banned from the funeral." Lucy lets out a long painful sigh, handing Clarke a brownie on the plate which Clarke takes gratefully.

"Costia's death hit her hard, extremely ," She looks at Clarke who shrinks a little feeling a little clench around her heart, a little in familiarity with that heartbreak, but mostly for thinking of Lexa being in that pain, she really was moving on, she dismisses the thought and tunes back in on Lexa's mother who was picking at her own brownie. "when Alexandria never received an invitation to the funeral she was angry, which is understandable, but she always knew it was a possibility since Costia's parents had never truly accepted their relationship, but she tried to reach Luna, they were close and I'm sure you know they look very much alike."

"Twins." Clarke nods, leaning against the counter, she takes a bite of her brownie and is pleasantly surprised when she tastes an explosion of flavour - proper homemade brownies all Clarke had ever had was store bought.

"Luna refused to take any of Alexandria's messages, ignored her, despite the fact she was receiving these messages, my daughter was grieving, broken," It hurts Clarke to think of Lexa in such a state, she can't deny that just the idea of Lexa calling someone for help is beyond Clarke, she was the kind of person to seek help from someone, not unless she trusted them a lot.

"Luna was supposed to be one of her closest friends, yet she denied her the right to grieve properly, at least that’s how I understand it. Alexandria had to wait until the burial outside of the church and when she showed up... it wasn't well received, she was, let's just say, treated badly. She didn't get to say goodbye to the person she loved until she was in the ground and everyone had left." Clarke's throat felt tight, in fact, her entire chest felt tight just imagining that thought. It was horrible, she couldn't even imagine what she would have done if she had been denied the right to say goodbye to Finn. She may have fallen out of love with him but she did love him, just not in that way, not being able to tell him before he went into the ground, before he was truly gone, would've shattered Clarke, Lexa had suffered that pain and loss all alone.

"She stayed there for hours, until it was dark," Clarke snaps back to reality when she hears Lexa's mother speaking again. "it was raining, when Anya found her she was drenched, sitting by the headstone covered in fresh dirt when she brought her home." Lucy trials off for a second, shaking her head. "She was a shell, I've never been more terrified as a mother."

"I know the feeling," Clarke admits. "being a shell, I know that feeling, after I got the news about Finn," Clarke swallows thickly. "it's not easy, but Lexa never... she- you know." She never got to say goodbye. Clarke rubs her face and shakes off that sudden overwhelming feeling in her chest, what was with her today? First Raven, now Lexa's mom, get yourself together Griffin.

"You know loss, that's good," Lucy says sweetly, gesturing to the brownie which Clarke chuckles at, taking another bite, it did make her feel better. "you've both suffered that loss, it's what makes you both able to truly appreciate what you have together now."

"I love her." Clarke says confidently and she almost blushes when Lexa's mom's eyes widen - she forgot that she was talking to Lexa's mom. "Sorry, that might be a little weird to just blurt out but I do, I love her, and I want her to be happy."

"She is," Lucy says and Clarke knew that she'd heard her say as much this morning but still. "the world has been unfair to Alexandria, and to you too," She pushes for a moment. "all a mother really wants for their child is to live and be loved, to be happy, after Costia I had... I was worried that that would never happen again for my Alexandria, that's why the arranged marriage seemed right to me." She steps forward, placing her hands either side of Clarke's shoulders and gives her a lopsided smile and in that moment Clarke sees an older Lexa, the same smile, same kind eyes, brown hair greying slightly and a part of Clarke wonders if this is what her future looks like: growing old with the woman she loves.

"I know you have your issues with your own mother," Lucy says gently and Clarke looks at her expectantly. "but she cares about you, she wants you to be happy too, to be loved, like I said, all mothers do." Lucy smiles and Clarke feels the overwhelming feeling to pull the woman in for a hug. So she does. Turns out the day was a hug day, and something told Clarke this wouldn't be her last, but the woman had just said something that had gotten to Clarke, she'd never really felt close to her mom, not like she did her dad, but she did know that, in her own way, Abby cared.

Hugging Lucy was just as familiar, the woman, however, felt a little frail and slim but she let out a soft chuckle at Clarke's enthusiastic hug and gently wraps her arms around the blonde, patting her in a comforting way and Clarke almost cries. She's not even sure why she's so emotional today, she's almost half convinced Raven slipped something into her coffee when she wasn't looking, but everything just seemed like it was coming together, like Clarke finally had a life. "I see you'll be calling me mom in no time." Lucy jokes and Clarke laughs herself, pulling away with a bright grin.

"Lexa will be home soon if you want to stick around?" Clarke asks curiously and Lucy waves her hand dismissively, clicking her tongue.

"I really should get home before it gets dark, besides, I'm confident she's in good hands." She says and Clarke's smile widens even further - if that was even possible. She walks Lexa's mom to the door and says goodbye to her before closing the door.

She sighs, feeling a warm feeling settle in her gut, she leans against the door, goofy smile on her face and all, everything was really coming together, she was marrying the person she was supposed to marry, Clarke was healing, almost healed thanks to Lexa, and Clarke hoped that went both ways. She'd never forget Finn but she was finally moving on after years of suffering. Clarke pushes herself off of the door and lets out a long drawn out sigh. Now not to eat all the brownies before Lexa got home.

//

The sound of keys in the door alerts Clarke, who was sitting on the sofa, Oreo in her lap, while the TV played a trashy reality TV show that she'd fallen into a hole watching waiting for her fiancée to return home, that Lexa was home. Lexa comes into the living room, dropping her briefcase, she kicks her shoes off and Clarke moves Oreo, seeing her fiancée's eyes trained on her, and the brunette comes right over, no words or greeting, and climbs on top of Clarke who grins up at the brunette widely. "Hi." Clarke says placing her hands on Lexa's waist. "Rough day?"

Lexa nods, still being silent, and she leans down and places a lingering kiss on the blonde's lips and Clarke's eyes flutter shut, she chases the brunette's lips after and feels her heart pick up in pace and her stomach flip, a part of Clarke wondered if that would ever stop, or if she even really wanted it to stop. Clarke smiles, she can’t help it, for the ringer she’d been through all day seeing Lexa, kissing her, everything seemed to melt away and, given the small lopsided smile that her fiancée returns, Clarke was pretty sure Lexa felt the same way.

“Your mom brought brownies if that helps?” Clarke asks, raising an eyebrow and Lexa lets out a small chuckle but makes no move to get up, in fact, Clarke was pretty sure Lexa was more than happy to remain in her lap and, as simple as that may be, part of Clarke feels warm and fuzzy at the thought that Lexa took more comfort from her than she did from her mother’s brownies, which, if the fact Lucy had gone through all that trouble to bring the brownies, clearly was Lexa’s preferred source of comfort previously, but now it was Clarke .

“What about you?” Lexa asks, her green eyes meeting Clarke’s blue ones. Clarke wonders if Lexa can sense that Clarke had been on an emotional rollercoaster, the concern in her eyes said yes but Clarke wasn’t even sure how Lexa would know that? Could she just tell from one look at her?

“I’ve had a pretty eventful day.” Clarke says, pulling Lexa closer, she buries her head in her neck and closes her eyes, drawing strength and warmth from her fiancée.

“China shopping?” Lexa asks and Clarke laughs into the brunette’s neck causing Lexa to giggle as Clarke’s breath tickles her skin.

“Actually,” Clarke begins, hesitating only momentarily, but, if there was anyone she could talk to about this, it was almost certainly Lexa. “I kind of blew that off, I had a panic attack.” Clarke confesses. Lexa stills, Clarke can’t explain it, she hadn’t exactly been moving before but she somehow becomes stiller, like she pauses for a moment, before she tugs on Clarke and the blonde pulls away from her neck to look Lexa in her forest green eyes. They blaze with concern and Lexa brings her hands up to gently stroke at Clarke’s cheeks with her thumbs.

“Why didn’t you call me?” Lexa asks, she’s not angry or anything, she’s simply curious and Clarke sighs before she shrugs. “Clarke,” Lexa says softly and Clarke looks at her, really looks at her, and she can see the seriousness behind her eyes about what she was about to say. “you can call me at anytime, anywhere, and I will always pick up. I would’ve left work if you needed me.” Clarke snorts but Lexa doesn’t seem to be joking. Lexa Woods, most stubborn lawyer, who refused to stay at home not long ago while being deathly ill, would leave work for her fiancée, Clarke Griffin, if she needed her. That’s probably one of the biggest ways Lexa has said ‘I love you’ without having to say it - as strange as that sounds.

“It just got to be too much,” Clarke says and Lexa listens to her attentively. “I realised the wedding is in three months, I have no idea if we’ll be prepared by then or not, and both of our jobs are so demanding and... I just got overwhelmed.” Clarke says and Lexa smiles softly at her.

“If you want, I could help more?” Lexa offers but Clarke shakes her head, between work and their free time together, planning a wedding was damn near impossible, that’s why they had a Abby Griffin.

“I think I just need to have a talk with my mom,” Clarke says, running her thumb over Lexa’s exposed collar bone, she hadn’t even noticed the brunette had popped a couple of buttons open on her button down. “you do realise that she’s probably got this whole thing planned already and I’m probably panicking for no reason?”

“Do you think we should push the wedding?” Lexa asks and Clarke’s thumb pauses. She snaps her eyes to Lexa but she can’t read her expression there. Clarke knows she’s probably only asking out of concern but that’s actually the last thing she wants. When Raven had calmed Clarke she’d used Lexa to do it because Clarke wanted to marry this woman in front of her more than she has ever wanted anything in her entire life. She loves Lexa Woods more than she can even put in words, more than even marriage can express, but, even still, marriage is what she wants.

Clarke had heard stories about people who met and within two months, or even weeks, married because they just knew. Actually, Clarke’s grandparents on Jake’s side had been that kind of story, they’d met and fallen in love and within the month they were engaged and married and they stuck together until their last breaths. They had had fifty years together, they’d given Clarke her dad and that was what Clarke had: Lexa, she knew it in her soul that she was meant to marry this woman, that she was the one , it seemed a little fast and overwhelming but it also felt so right. Clarke can’t explain that. Besides, they’d already decided that they’d marry one another no matter where, so maybe Clarke didn’t have to feel so overwhelmed, so long as Lexa was there then everything would be okay.

Clarke shakes her head in answer and Lexa smiles, leaning in to place a soft, unfortunately short, kiss to Clarke’s lips. “And you?” Clarke asks, raising her eyebrows. Lexa sighs again, such a drama queen, and Clarke squeezes her encouragingly.

“Just legal mumbo jumbo,” Lexa says dismissively, she didn’t want to bore Clarke with the details of her work, and it was hard to explain if she was being honest, but it wasn’t even the true cause of her sour day. “this dinner tonight, it’s... I don’t know.” Lexa says and Clarke’s eyes soften. She wants to tell Lexa that everything will be okay, to not worry, but Clarke doesn’t know if that’ll be true, she’d faced her past today with Raven and that had been draining, they were sure in for a wild ride, that’s all Clarke knew.

Instead, she decides to be what Lexa needs the most: her support. “Well,” Clarke says with a small smile. “I’ll be right by your side, if it ever gets to be too much, let me know and I’ll shut it down and we’ll get out of there as fast as possible okay?” Lexa smiles, her lopsided one, and Clarke swears she even brightens. Part of Clarke was surprised they clicked this well, that after knowing one another for just over three months Clarke can understand Lexa on such a deep level to be able to read her facial expressions, or the look in her eyes, and that they’re here, at such a domestic level already, it’s kind of amazing when Clarke thinks about it but she loves Lexa so much and she guesses that’s what love is.

“Ugh,” Lexa complains drawing Clarke back to reality. “I guess I better get dressed.” Clarke rolls her eyes at Lexa’s dramatics but has to resist the urge to whimper when the brunette exits from her grasp. Clarke watches her go, a smile on her lips because wow, Lexa is absolutely beautiful, and all of her is all of Clarke’s.

Lexa disappears into the bedroom and Clarke looks to her right to see Oreo looking at where Lexa had just been. “I know how you feel.” Clarke mumbles when Lexa’s head pops out from the bedroom.

“Are you coming Clarke?” She asks before disappearing, smirk on her face. Clarke grins before jumping over the side of the sofa, like some parkour YouTuber or whatever, and lands on the wooden floor. Yeah, Clarke never wanted to let this go, she knew now more than ever that marrying Lexa was what she wanted more than anything and all her worries seemed to melt away just by the other woman’s smile.

//

It was raining. It had been threatening to do so all day and now the heavens had opened and the city of Arkadia was shining beautifully. Clarke was tightly pressed against Lexa’s side who was holding an umbrella above them. Lexa had been quiet the entire walk to the restaurant, she had a nervous feeling in her gut and she felt somewhat sick to her stomach if she was being honest but she also knew, despite this being the most nerve wracking thing she’s done since probably her confession to Clarke of her feelings, it’s also going to bring closure, a shut door on a part of her life that has been ajar for way too long - just, closure .

She pauses at the restaurant window, peering inside to see if she could spy Luna out, she couldn’t but she still tries. Clarke stands beside her, also peering into the window, and though she doesn’t say anything Lexa feels so much more confident and comforted with her there, in fact, Lexa was pretty sure, had Clarke not been with her, she might have ran away from the restaurant, or simply just stood Luna up, maybe moved apartment so she couldn’t be tracked down by the woman, but Clarke was here and Lexa didn’t want to run anymore.

Lexa huffs for about the fifth time but Clarke just chuckles softly at the sound again - so dramatic. They walk into the restaurant, arm in arm, after Lexa puts the umbrella down because she didn’t need more bad luck for this evening. Lexa tells the woman their reservation, which she had made under her name ‘Woods’ and Lexa’s disappointed to learn that the other party member had already arrived. They follow the host to the correct table and Lexa takes a deep breath when she sees Luna sitting at it, scanning over her menu absentmindedly while she waited for her two guests but then Clarke is squeezing Lexa’s arm and Lexa feels herself relax ever so slightly.

They take their seats, the host handing them menus with a reassurance that a waiter would be over to take their orders. Luna’s eyes flit up from her menu but Lexa ignores her instead focusing on their surroundings. This restaurant was one of the few places Lexa had ventured to when she decided to leave her apartment, it was a small Italian restaurant within walking distance and never too busy but not empty either, they’d been seated in a booth this time with Lexa closest to the wall and Clarke beside her - she was trapped in with no escape and Luna sat in the centre across from the couple.

“Clarke,” Luna begins, probably sensing Lexa’s reluctance. “it’s good to see you again.”

“You too.” Clarke replies politely and Lexa gulps. This is awkward, at least, it’s awkward for her, she doesn’t even know how to begin, how to talk about what it is that Luna wants to talk about, she doesn’t want to dive into the heavy stuff as an appetiser so she decides to try and ease into the topic, make light conversation, that she could do.

“It’s...” Lexa swallows. “good to see you Luna.” Lexa wasn’t entirely sure that was true, or that it had been convincing, but she’d said it now. Clarke shoots Lexa a sympathetic look but doesn’t say anything.

“You seem to be doing well too.” Luna replies and Lexa raises her eyebrows, she wasn’t sure if she was reading into it but that sounded almost resentful. “You’re engaged.”

“Yeah,” Lexa says, narrowing her eyes. “something wrong with that?” Lexa felt defensive, she couldn’t help it, but when she feels a hand rest on her lap that feeling melts away.

“I was just surprised,” Luna brushes off. “I hear you now work at Trikru Law Firm.”

“That I do,” Lexa responds, she knew that Luna still ran the Grounders night club and she didn’t feel the need to bring that up right now. The conversation seems to die there but they’re saved by the waiter coming over to take their respective orders. Lexa taps her fingers on the table, looking anywhere but at Luna.

Okay, this was officially awkward.

To Lexa’s relief, Luna decides to make conversation with Clarke instead. “So you’re a doctor,” Luna comments. “that must be hard.” Clarke smiles a little sadly, nodding her head, and Lexa places her hand atop Clarke’s, which was still resting on her lap, intertwining their hands and squeezes. Clarke doesn’t outwardly show how the action made her feel but Lexa still knew she appreciated the action.

“You have to take the good with the bad,” Clarke explains. “I’m still just a resident but, some of the things you see...” Clarke trails off, then shakes her head dismissively. Luna gives her an understanding look back while Lexa remains silent, playing with Clarke’s hand in her lap as her ex friend and fiancée talked.

“I’m sorry,” Luna says, grabbing Lexa’s attention. “how did you two meet?” It’s a perfectly normal question, only Lexa and Clarke were not normal and Lexa wasn’t sure how to bring up the whole ‘our parents thought we were gonna die alone so they arranged our marriage’ thing without it sounding weird, or like it was forced upon them, which, maybe at first it kind of had been, but Lexa had so quickly fallen for Clarke she no longer felt that way, in fact, she may have lost that feeling of being forced into anything the night she spent with Clarke when they’d first met, talking about the stars and falling asleep side by side. Still, Lexa knows how it would sound to someone on the outside looking in and Lexa didn’t want Luna to get the wrong impression.

“Oh,” Clarke says. “our parents introduced us.” Lexa should’ve known Clarke would know exactly what to say.

“You mean your parents knew Lexa’s mom?” Luna sounds doubtful and Lexa knows why. Clarke is a Griffin, her father owns some kind of million dollar company, she’s an estate level rich kid and Lexa’s mom is a city working class mom, there’s no way those two circles overlap, in fact, Lexa was still kind of amazed they’d found each other to begin with. What, did her mom put out a newspaper ad saying ‘Sad Daughter Needs Wife’ and the Griffins had seen it and thought that was a good idea? Really, Lexa had no clue, but, if anything, it just reinforced her idea that she and Clarke were destined to find one another.

“I don’t know how but apparently.” Clarke replies and Lexa can tell the question had slightly irritated Clarke but, to anyone who didn’t know her, they wouldn’t realise her slight irritation.

“How long have you been engaged?” Luna inquires and Clarke’s blue eyes narrow.

“Just over three months.” She deadpans to which Luna’s eyes widen. Lexa feels Clarke getting slightly defensive and runs her thumb over Clarke’s hand before sitting up to take charge of the conversation.

“It was fast,” Lexa admits. “but it’s what we both want.” That’s the thing, this entire marriage had been arranged out of need , a need of their parents for their daughters to find love and start living and not just surviving, they needed that, and maybe Clarke and Lexa had needed that without realising it, but now it was want, it was desire, Lexa loves Clarke so much it hurts her to even try to express her feelings for the blonde, and it’s mutual, they want to marry one another, there’s no other reason to it anymore.

Food is placed in front of them, cutting off whatever Luna was about to say but Lexa’s stomach still hasn’t settled and she’s not sure she can stomach a bowl of spaghetti right about now. Once the waiter leaves, Luna goes back to say what she was going to say before. “Well, it’s good to see you happy.” Luna says.

“No thanks to you.” Lexa bites back. Clarke stops mid scoop of her food and glances at Lexa out of the corner of her eye but says nothing, Luna just gets a sad expression on her face but chooses not to reply to Lexa’s comment.

The rest of the evening is awkward to say the least, most of it is the worst kind of awkward: silence. Lexa just doesn’t know what to say which, if she thinks about it too much, is kind of sad. Luna was Costia’s twin sister. Once upon a time Luna had been a very close friend of Lexa’s but now, here they are, sitting across from each other in awkward silence and not knowing how to even speak to one another.

Clarke decides to give them some space and excuses herself to the bathroom but, upon seeing Lexa’s terrified expression, the blonde leans over and places a soft kiss of encouragement to Lexa’s temple and Lexa can’t argue because Clarke is right, they just need to have this conversation and hash it out, there’s no need to sit here not talking, but watching Clarke disappear into the bathroom, and leaving Lexa facing Luna, the brunette kind of wishes she could follow Clarke and seek refuge in the arms of her fiancée.

“So...” Luna says, trailing off.

“Why did you want this meeting so bad?” Lexa asks. She had to be straightforward here, she had to rip off the metaphorical bandaid, there was no way to dance around this topic, if Lexa wanted to close this damn door she needed to not hold back and slam it, Luna needed to do the same. Luna doesn’t seem surprised by the question but she doesn’t seem happy about it either.

“I wanted to explain.” She answers and Lexa scoffs leaning back in the booth.

“You’re three years too late don’t you think?” Lexa questions and Luna bites her lip.

“I know I should’ve said something sooner but...” Luna trails off again before looking at Lexa directly. “I want to say I’m sorry, for everything that went down, if I could take back what happened, I would.”

“But you can’t.” Lexa says, crossing her arms across her chest, she feels uneasy and vulnerable and raw and Lexa doesn’t like feeling that way, not unless she’s around someone she trusts, someone who she knows won’t judge her, Luna isn’t that person to her anymore, she hasn’t been for a very long time.

“It was my parents Lexa.” Luna protests. “I couldn’t have changed their minds even if I tried, you know how they felt about you and my sister, about everything .”

“So you admit that you didn’t even try to talk to them? To try to get me into the funeral?” Lexa asks and Luna falls silent. It hurts, it really does, Luna is the one person she’d hoped would’ve had her back back then and she’d left her high and dry. “Even if they wouldn’t have changed their minds, you froze me out, why did you do that?” Lexa isn’t sure she really wants to know the answer to the question, she can already tell this is going to be an emotionally draining evening.

“I made a mistake,” Luna admits and at the fiery look of disbelief in Lexa’s eyes she persists “I was grieving Lexa-“

“So was I!” People around them look in their direction but Lexa can’t bring herself to care, this is between her and Luna and no one else, she doesn’t care that they have an audience, she has to get this out. “You got to see her before, to say goodbye , all I got was a headstone, she was my girlfriend Luna, you knew how much I loved her, and that’s all I got, and the cold shoulder from my old friend who was the person I needed the most because, if anyone knew what her loss felt like it was you , her family .” Lexa says, she’s holding back her tears because Lexa can’t cry, she won’t allow Luna the satisfaction to see how much she’d hurt her.  

“You know that if I had tried the answer would have been the same.” Luna points out but she looks hurt too, Lexa can see that, she’s Costia’s twin for god’s sake, and Lexa used to be able to read her like a book so she can do the same with Luna.

“But you didn’t even try,” Lexa says flatly, unemotionally, it’s fact and she doesn’t know how to express what she felt at that moment in her life. Deep betrayal came close. “that’s all I needed, I just needed you to try and you couldn’t even do that.”

“Lexa,” Luna sighs, rubbing her face, before reaching her hand across the table. Lexa knew she was waiting for her to take it but she just couldn’t, so she just stares at the woman’s hand blankly and Luna continues with what she had to say. “if I could go back in time I would do everything differently, you’re right, I should’ve tried, I owed that much to you, and I’m sorry really I am,” Luna sighs welty, her eyes watering too, she retracts her hand after Lexa’s rejection and opts for looking her right in the eye. “but I can’t change the past, I made a mistake and I have regretted it for all those three years. You were grieving, you’re right, but so was I , and it’s not an excuse but it’s how I grieved.” Luna says and Lexa swallows thickly feeling a lump forming in her throat, she wants to yell and accuse the brunette but she doesn’t have the energy and Lexa felt Luna at least deserved the chance to explain herself.

“ God Lexa, you were girlfriend , like you said, and when I saw you... I was just reminded of everything she lost, of the person she was never able to become, so I shut you out, and I made no effort to change my parents’ minds, I just didn’t want you there.” Lexa leans back in her seat. She’s a little surprised by the honesty of which Luna was speaking to her - that Lexa could at least appreciate.

In a way, Lexa understood it, she didn’t like that she understood it but she did, and Luna was right, that was no excuse for shutting her out, she made Lexa’s suffering so much worse, all she had needed was her friend to mourn the life of someone they had mutually lost, because, though they tried, Lincoln and Anya, they didn’t know Costia as intimately as her lover and her sister, they didn’t feel the extent of her loss as deeply as they did, so Lexa had thought Luna could be her touch stone. Only that never happened, she abandoned her and left her alone to grieve.

Lexa can’t help but think what would have happened if Luna hadn’t shut her out, would it have taken her this long to finally feel healed? Or would it have been slightly easier with the support of her friend? Maybe it would’ve been worse, Lexa doesn’t know, maybe she never would have met Clarke. Lexa feels her heart clench in her chest at that thought. Despite everything, and it was a lot, Lexa had met Clarke all because of it: her loss, her grief, they had been roads leading her to Clarke, without them, well, Lexa wonders if they’d ever have met and she just can’t imagine that, like it or not, Lexa knew her experiences, and Clarke’s too, had shaped them into the people they were, if they had met randomly at some bar or coffee shop, or something , young and untouched by grief, Lexa wonders if they’d have the connection they do now. They had met each other at exactly the right points in their life, Lexa couldn’t explain that, she just couldn’t, other than with Clarke, she felt whole.

Lexa blinks when she sees Luna observing her, she realises that she had been playing nervously with her napkin, staring at the table in deep thought, Luna watching her critically. “You didn’t want me there,” Lexa says, nodding her head. “and I wanted you there,” Lexa smiles sadly to herself at the thought. “so why now? Why do you all of a sudden care about me? I’ve moved on Luna, I’m finally happy.” Luna turns her head to the side ever so slightly trying to read Lexa but she just gives her a blank stare back. Lexa was good at that, hiding her feelings when she wanted to, she could do it to anyone, except maybe Clarke.

“I can see that,” Luna says, breaking eye contact, she looks towards the direction that Clarke had left and Lexa wonders what the blonde was doing, probably sitting or pacing in the bathroom trying to give them plenty of time to hash out their problems - god, she loved that woman so damn much. “I never stopped caring about you Lexa, it was just hard for me, when I came to my senses about six months after the funeral I was warned away.”

“What?” Lexa asks frowning. Luna suddenly looked alarmed and shakes her head.

“It’s not important-“

“Luna.” Lexa says sternly, in her best demanding voice she has. The brunette shifts awkwardly before continuing.

“I came to your apartment one night, Anya answered the door.” Luna says and Lexa raises an eyebrow. Anya had never said anything about such a thing, in fact, this was the first Lexa had heard of it. Luna chuckles a little before beginning again. “She shoved me out of the door, you know her, I think she might’ve murdered me had she not thought she’d be caught, I told her how terrible I felt but she told that you didn’t want to see me, well, not that you didn’t want to see more of she didn’t think I was the best person to talk to you at that time...” Luna looks at Lexa a little curiously and the brunette tries to recall those six months after the funeral. Lexa had been a wreck that much was certain, if she had been damaged goods when she met Clarke, a whole 3 years after Costiia’s death, six months after she was downright broken.

Lexa had taken to locking herself in her apartment for the first months after the funeral, only leaving when her studies required it, right up until about a year. She didn’t eat unless forced by her friends, she barely slept, Lincoln had had her prescribed pills to help her to sleep but Lexa had refused to take them and she was just in a bad state. Not only that but she was so angry at Luna for what she had done to her. Anya was probably right to have not said anything and warned Luna away, still, it’s not pleasant to find out your best friend had kept such a thing from you for such a long time.

“I wanted to apologise, maybe mend bridges and stuff but she told me to get lost,” Luna laughs a little at the memory and Lexa had to admit that sounded very Anya: brutally blunt but also fiercely loyal and protective. “I thought if anyone knew what you needed it was her, so I kept my distance, and I don’t know why I thought now would be a good idea to reach out but I’m here Lexa, and I’m willing to try again, if you are.” Lexa stares at the table hard. She had been betrayed by Luna but she also kind of understood where she was coming from, after all, Lexa had tried the whole closing yourself off to try and heal, only her friends were a lot more persistent and wouldn’t leave her be, she could understand why she especially might be an upsetting face to see for Luna given who she was to Costia but that didn’t make the betrayal any easier. Still, if she didn’t try to fix this then she was no better.

“I can’t just forgive you right away.” Lexa says looking up to meet Luna’s eyes. This time they fall a little in disappointment before Lexa begins speaking again. “ But , I’m willing to try.” Try, that’s all Lexa had needed from Luna, now it was all Luna needed from Lexa.

At that moment, Clarke exits the bathroom, first popping her head out to see if Lexa was done and when she does Lexa smiles at her. This had been one dinner, she was exhausted, but seeing Clarke making her way back over while smiling, Lexa felt her mood pick up slightly. Lexa says her goodbyes to Luna but not before exchanging numbers and promises to work on that forgiveness thing and then she’s leaving the restaurant with Clarke at her side and a heavy heart.

//

As Clarke and Lexa climb the stairs to their apartment Clarke's slightly worried by the dejectedy of Lexa’s walking. She’s never seen Lexa quite so down, though Clarke’s not entirely sure if this is down or if this is just Lexa finally getting everything out in the open and confronting it. Clarke is surprised once again that day when they make it to the top of the landing to see a certain brunette sitting outside the apartment door, her back against the wall, flipping absentmindedly through some sort of magazine with a suitcase next to her. Clarke does a double take at first before she realises that that was definitely Octavia Blake.

As soon as Octavia notices them she’s up on her feet, smiling in greeting, though that smile falls ever so slightly when her eyes flit to Lexa briefly. Under normal circumstances, Clarke would’ve pulled the younger Blake in for a bone crushing hug but she’s a little shocked to see her - this day had truly been full of surprises and twists, Clarke wasn’t certain she could take another, at least, this one was good.

“Sorry,” Octavia begins. “Lincoln isn’t in and Raven is out doing god knows what so I thought I’d just wait for either you and Lexa or Lincoln to let me in somewhere.” She explains and Clarke steps forward so she was closer to her long time friend. She’d missed Octavia but with her job in private security she was often jet setting across the world so Clarke was almost used to this. “Is everything okay?” Octavia asks, her eyes flick to Lexa again and Clarke smiles softly at her friend’s ability to read Lexa’s current situation. “Aren’t you happy to see me?” She asks a little more lightly to lighten the atmosphere somewhat.

Clarke steps forward and wraps her friend in a tight hug, savouring the feeling of her. Octavia really was all hard muscles, but that wasn’t surprising, she spent a lot of time honing those muscles what with her job, without them she wouldn’t be as efficient as she is in it. Seriously, Clarke has seen Octavia at work, she can tackle a guy three times her size in the blink of an eye and not break a sweat, she’s kind of amazing if Clarke’s being honest.

“I missed you.” Clarke says into Octavia’s hair and Octavia smiles brightly though Clarke can’t see it.

“I missed you too.” Octavia replies and Clarke releases her from the hug. Then Octavia does something Clarke doesn’t expect her to do: she opens her arms in the direction of Lexa. Lexa blinks a couple of times before she walks over to the brunette, she looks hesitant at first but then she’s falling into Octavia’s arms - literally falling - Clarke doesn’t know any other way of seeing it, it’s like every emotion that Lexa’s been carrying tonight crashes down on her, exhausting her, and she just kind of falls into Octavia, resting her chin on her shoulder and her arms on her back.

Clarke watches the hug with curiosity, Lexa and Octavia hadn’t spent all that much time with one another, in fact, they didn’t really know one another, Lexa knew Raven a lot better, and yet it seemed as though they did know one another in this moment and Octavia was a friend trying to comfort another friend. Octavia rubs Lexa’s back in a soothing way and Clarke knows because she’s been held by Octavia before and she knows, despite the hard muscles, Octavia is one of the gentlest persons Clarke knows.

“Welcome back Octavia.” Lexa mumbles. She stays in the embrace for a little longer before she pulls back. Lexa steps towards the door, unlocks it and walks inside, Octavia watches her the entire way. Clarke moves so she’s beside her best friend, watching Lexa who walks straight towards the bedroom sluggishly.

“She’s emotionally drained,” Clarke answers the question that Octavia was silently asking and the brunette raises an eyebrow in silent lieu for Clarke to continue. “today has been cathartic for everyone.” Clarke says with a heavy sigh of her own. Octavia turns her head slightly to catch Clarke’s vision and the blonde smiles softly. “I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.” Clarke promises because, right now, she just wants to join her fiancée for a cuddling session because Clarke could really use one of those right now and, judging by the hug that just occurred, so could Lexa.

“Okay,” Octavia replies. “hey, maybe Lexa and I should get to know one another,” Clarke frowns at that, turning to look at Octavia fully now. “she’s marrying my best friend and, I don’t know, I just think it could be nice.” Clarke smiles softly at the idea. That wasn’t the worst idea ever.

“So Lexa has a spare key to Lincoln’s,” Clarke says, realising Octavia was still in the hallway, nowhere to go. “or you could have the spare room in here.” Clarke says remembering that the apartment had two bedrooms - it was so rarely used now. If Octavia went to Lincoln’s she’d either have to share with Raven or Lincoln and while Clarke knows which of the two she’d rather share with (Raven has a tendency to snore) she knows that Octavia isn’t in the sharing bed stage yet.

“Lincoln’s is fine.” Octavia replies and Clarke smirks knowingly which Octavia shoves her playfully at. The blonde grabs the spare key then hustles back to Octavia, she joins her best friend in Lincoln’s apartment, helping her with her bags before Octavia tells Clarke to go be with her fiancée and a promise that she would see her tomorrow and, really, Clarke can’t argue with that.

When Clarke reaches the bedroom she takes pause in the doorway looking at Lexa who was sitting staring down at the shoebox which Clarke herself had discovered not so long ago. The box that said ‘Do Not Open Until Ready’ and which had not been opened until Clarke had done so.

Lexa was sifting through the photos quietly, putting some aside and leaving others in the box. She was sorting through her past, putting aside the memories she wanted to keep and the others she’d rather forget, Clarke had been the opposite, she’d just gotten rid of Finn’s photos, she’d kept one, one she couldn’t bear to throw away because that had been when they had been happiest but the rest, when she looked at them, weren’t just painful because it was the man she had once loved who was now gone but she knew she was lying in those photos, she did love Finn, just not in the way that she should have, not in the way that he wanted.

Lexa works fast, setting aside a small amount of pictures before she places the lid back on the shoebox and stands. “There’s something I need to do.” Lexa says and Clarke frowns at her, standing up right from the doorframe she had been leaning her shoulder against. She wants to ask what exactly it is that Lexa needs to do but there’s a silent plea and desperation reflected in her green eyes that Clarke feels she should do whatever it is that Lexa wants because she’s vulnerable right now - this day had truly been exhausting.

“Okay.” Clarke replies and Lexa does a double take, Clarke finds it so adorable she even chuckles at the action.

“You’re not going to ask what it is I have to do?” She questions and Clarke walks into the bedroom coming to stand in front of her fiancée. She glances at the box which was held firmly between Lexa’s two hands and Clarke places her own over them. Clarke hears Lexa’s breath hitch at the action but she doesn’t pull away, in fact, her green eyes blaze with what Clarke has come to recognise as love.

“I trust you Lexa,” Clarke says carefully, moving one hand from Lexa’s to her cheek, cupping her jaw and stroking over it gently. “whatever you have to do, you have to do.” Lexa looks dumbstruck and Clarke thinks maybe that’s a little sad, she’d expected to have to explain herself but she never has to with Clarke, she trusts her to do whatever it is and to share whenever she’s ready.

“I love you so much.” Lexa almost whispers, she leans her head down until their foreheads meet and Clarke thinks that maybe she’s died and gone to heaven because she didn’t deserve Lexa Woods, this amazing, beautiful and understanding woman but Lexa felt the same way, she didn’t deserve Clarke Griffin and her caring, gorgeous, softness. Yet here they were. It felt like a miracle. Clarke grins at her fiancée.

“I love you too cheeseball.” Lexa pulls back and rolls her eyes at the blonde but Clarke can’t deny that they just shared a moment, a profound one at that.

“I trust you too Clarke,” Lexa says slowly, swallowing thickly. Clarke just lets out a soft breath of laughter and kisses Lexa on the nose, a gesture that she loved that Lexa did to her so she figured why not.

“Alright,” Clarke says, glancing at the box in Lexa’s hands. “so let’s go do what you have to do.”   

//

The rain was torrential now, the expression raining cats and dogs was probably the best way to describe it. Clarke and Lexa stood side by side on a winding path, which was dimly lit by the feeble light of the overhead street light, shielded from the rain by an umbrella held by Clarke. Lexa stands, holding the box between her hands, looking in front of her with a heavy heart. She never thought she’d ever be here, at this point, just ready . Clarke is on Lexa’s left which doesn’t seem significant except that the heart is on the left and Lexa thinks that’s kind of a perfect metaphor.

Lexa steps into the rain and Clarke doesn’t say anything, she just watches her walk away and Lexa is thankful because Clarke somehow just knows exactly what she needs without Lexa having to even say anything. She’s drenched within seconds from the rain and by the time she reaches the headstone she’s shivering from the cold. It had been a while since she’d visited this grave, not since she’d met Clarke and even before that Lexa found it hard to face the name of the woman she had once loved facing her but it didn’t hurt like it used to, it still hurt but it didn’t knock the wind out of her and rip her chest open in pain, just a dull ache.

Lexa looks down at the shoe box, it was slick with rain water, as she was too, and she knew inside resided old memories, things she’d never forget but she didn’t need these pictures anymore to do it, to stay forgotten under her bed. “I’ve got to let you go now,” Lexa swallows thickly, she’s choking back tears but she has to say this. “it took me a really long time to get here,” The dam breaks and Lexa drops into a low crouch, wiping away her tears. “but I’m here and I’m healed, Clarke,” Lexa smiles through the tears, she feels stupid for getting so emotional but it’s cathartic she needs this more than she realises. “she healed me. I loved you, I want you to know that, you were my first love and I will never forget you, but it’s time, I think you know that too.” Lexa looks down at the shoebox of memories that had haunted her for so long, she traces her hand over her lost lover’s name on the headstone and then stands before placing the box in front of the headstone.

She turns and sees Clarke standing on the path bathed in the harsh white light of the street light above her, she has her back turned, out of courtesy Lexa is sure, and a smile crosses Lexa’s lips. Costia is behind her but Clarke: she’s in front of her and Lexa wasn’t one to believe in these kind of things but it really felt like some kind of metaphor, she’s changed, without Costia she never would’ve been here, and without Clarke she never would have been here either. Lexa takes one last look, wipes her face and takes a deep breath to steady herself before she walks towards her future, feeling lighter and happier than she ever had in her entire life before.

Clarke is in front of her and she is waiting.