Chapter Text
Love is watching someone die…
Chapter 2 - Cry
It felt like it took forever for her to speak, and when the words finally came out, they were choked. “What are you talking about?! Tell me!”
Armin trembled slightly. “There was a car accident… they told me names. And… the nurse said he didn’t make it here, Jeanne.”
Jeanne shook her head. “I won’t believe it until I see it!” She felt angry at him, for telling her this lie. It had to be a lie. “Take me to him, Armin!”
“Jeanne, it was a really bad accident… I don’t know if you’d want to see him, based on everything I heard-”
“Goddammit, Armin, that’s my husband! I need to see if he’s okay!”
Armin reached out and grabbed her arm firmly. There was pain in his bright blue eyes. “I don’t want you to have to see that,” he said gently.
She jerked away, frowning darkly. “It’s my choice!” She wasn’t crying, not yet, but she wasn’t sure how much longer she could hold out. If she didn’t cry, it wasn’t true, so she had to be strong. If she started to cry… it would mean she had accepted it.
Armin nodded sadly. “Please, just… check your phone. It’ll probably tell you more than I know.”
Jeanne pulled it out of her pocket, and hit the button to light up her home screen. As she did so, she caught a glimpse of a number of missed calls from the hospital before the screen changed, showing an incoming call from the same number. She picked up quickly. “Hello?”
“Is this the phone number for Mrs. Bott?” an unfamiliar woman’s voice was on the other end of the line.
“That’s my husband’s name, but my last name is Kirstein.” Jeanne wasn’t sure why she bothered to correct the woman. Maybe it was so she could keep pretending there was nothing wrong.
“Oh, I’m sorry Mrs. Kirstein. That was my mistake. I’m really sorry to call you under such circumstances.”
Jeanne felt ill. “What happened to my husband?! There’s someone here with me, saying he’s dead… please tell me that isn’t true!”
The woman hesitated before speaking. “He isn’t dead, but he has been seriously injured. Please come to the emergency room, and we can tell you everything. You’re on the campus already, correct?”
He wasn’t dead. Thank God, he wasn’t dead. Her grief disappeared, replaced by worry. “I am. I’m coming.” She hung up the phone and grabbed her bag.
Armin must have been able to hear the conversation for the most part, because he looked panicked. “I’m sorry Jeanne, they must have confused the names when they told me!”
“That is the least of my worries right now, Armin. I need to go and make sure he’s alright.” She began to head towards the door, then felt his hand on her arm once again. She turned and frowned darkly at him. “Let me go, now! I need to go to him!” she snapped.
Armin let go, uncertainly. “Jeanne…”
“What?!”
“His condition is critical. He might… he might not come back from this. You’ll… need to be prepared.”
“That’s not something I’m ever going to be prepared for, Armin,” Jeanne said firmly, before turning from him and running out the door.
The emergency room seemed like it was miles away, even though it really only took her a few minutes to get there. Jeanne sped through the automatic doors, barely giving them time to open, and ran up to the counter.
“I’m Jeanne Kirstein, my husband Marco Bott is here,” she said quickly.
She woman at the desk nodded, and typed in some information. “He’s still in emergency surgery right now, but I can point you in the right direction for the waiting room.”
Jeanne scowled. “You can’t give me any more information than that?”
“Ma’am, I don’t know any more information than that. You’ll have to wait on the doctors… I’ll let them know you’re here. That’s all I can do.”
Jeanne could tell she wouldn’t get any more information out of this woman, so she let the stranger lead her to the waiting room. Jeanne sat down briefly, but found more relief pacing around nervously. So that’s what she did.
The thing that eventually stopped her was Armin, who had apparently followed her at a distance. He came over and touched her arm, gently. “Do you… want me to check?”
Jeanne nodded quickly. “Yes!”
“Okay,” he said softly, and then, disappeared down the hall.
It was about twenty minutes before he returned, but for Jeanne, it felt like hours. Glancing out the window, she could swear that even the seasons were passing her by, the spring turning to summer turning to fall before her very eyes.
Finally, there were footsteps. She spun around to check, and, thank God, it was Armin. When she saw his face, though, she wished he hadn’t returned. The look of fear…
Jeanne met him halfway, unable to wait for him to come to her fully. “Armin… what’s going on?”
Armin took her hand and brought her back to the seats, having her sit down with him. “He’s badly injured, Jeanne. His right side… is really messed up. From what they told me, he was in the car as a passenger, with someone else, around 11:30 this morning. They were hit head on. The driver died… someone named Thomas. He didn’t have on his seat belt.”
Jeanne felt cold. Thomas Wagner was one of Marco’s work friends. They must have gone out to get lunch… “What about Marco?” She needed to know how he was, desperately.
Armin hesitated for a second, then spoke. “He’s got a head injury, and they don’t know what the effects will be. And his right arm was… severed. They don’t know if they can save it. Right now, they’re just trying to save his life. There’s a lot of bleeding in his brain.” He sighed shakily.
“I… I would feel a lot more comfortable if you were in that operating room, Armin.” Jeanne wouldn’t have trusted anyone more.
“I know. I would too. But it’s a conflict of interest, they’d never let me.” He frowned “If you’d like, I’ll… I’ll tell them I’m staying with you today.”
Jeanne shook her head, not wanting the sympathy. “You should go back to work, if you can. I need to make some phone calls.” His parents needed to know so they could make the trip from Jinae… especially if there was a chance he wouldn’t be alright. She didn’t want to think about that, though.
Armin looked at her sadly. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I’ll be okay.” She wasn’t sure she would be, but… she had to stay strong.
He nodded. “Alright, Jeanne. I’ll… I’ll be around. Let me know if you need anything.” He squeezed her hand, then got up. She hadn’t realized he’d still been holding it.
She watched Armin disappear down the hallway, and then, she pulled out her phone. His parents would want to know.
She looked in her contacts for Bianca Bott. The number looked foreign to her, complete with a different area code. She didn’t call his parents much. When she did talk with them, it was in person, or Marco had been the one to call. She wasn’t even sure what to say to them… she didn’t really know much herself.
Jeanne hit the green phone button, and held the device up to her ear. It rang once, twice, three times… and then, a familiar voice picked up.
“Oh, hello Jeanne! How are you?” Bianca’s cheery disposition shone through even the phone.
“Bianca, I…” her voice came out, choked. “You need to come.”
The line was quiet. “Jeanne, what’s happened?” Bianca finally said, now completely serious. Jeanne wished that she could tell her it was just a cruel joke.
“Marco was in a car accident. It’s very serious,” Jeanne said, her eyes welling up with tears. She didn’t want to cry, not here, but… now that she had a moment to herself, the severity of the situation was finally hitting her again.
“Oh God… Marco…” she could hear Bianca start to sob, and immediately felt guilty. “W-we’ll be there. Please, let me know if anything happens.”
“I will,” Jeanne said, voice thick as her throat threatened to close from the anxiety she felt.
“I’ll see you in a few hours,” Bianca said, then promptly hung up. Jeanne put her phone down, and held her head in her hands.
She wished she knew how to pray. Neither her nor Marco were religious, even though he’d grown up Catholic. Now, she was willing to pray to any deity that would listen, God or Buddha or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. But she didn’t know if even that would work. She decided pleading internally would be her best bet.
Please… if there’s any goodness in this world, please save him.
Her tears fell freely now, onto her hands and lap. She was totally powerless, and she fucking knew it. She hated it – she always had, whenever she felt like something was out of her control.
But now, all she could do now was wait.
No news was good news. That’s what she kept telling herself. But as the hours continued to pass by, with no indicator of what was happening, Jeanne couldn’t help but worry. It didn’t help that time seemed to pass at a speed similar to that of sap oozing down a tree. The only thing that was close to being “good” was the fact that, for the most part, she was alone in the waiting room.
She hadn’t called her mother yet. She really didn’t want to deal with Maman’s overbearing presence, not right now. Jeanne preferred to deal with her emotions alone. It was something Marco had had to learn the hard way, and he still didn’t get it, not all of the time.
God, Marco. Every time she thought of him, her chest ached. She thought her heart might explode from worry.
It was four and a half hours after she’d arrived that Armin returned. She recognized his footsteps coming down the hall. There was something about his pace, and the jingle of his keys in his pocket… maybe it was because she’d known him for so many years. Regardless, she knew it was him before he was even in her line of sight, and she stood immediately, running to him.
He looked surprised, and reached out to touch her arm gently. “Are you alright?” he asked softly.
Jeanne shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. Do you know anything?” she asked quickly.
Armin nodded. “I came to tell you. I talked with a nurse who was in the room.”
“And?”
“Things are going well. But… they couldn’t save his right arm.”
Jeanne, who had been holding her breath, let it out in a rush. “Christ.” Marco was right-handed. She… she wasn’t sure how he would cope, but… it was better news than losing him. She’d worry about how he would manage later. “What about his brain?”
“They’ve stopped the bleeding, and they’ve managed to relieve the pressure. They shouldn’t be much longer.”
Jeanne nodded weakly. “Do they… do they think there’s brain damage, Armin? Is he going to wake up?” she wasn’t sure she wanted to know, but… finding out later wouldn’t be any easier.
“They won’t know the extent of it until he wakes up, but… they do think he’ll wake up. It just might be a while. They said they want to keep him comatose, because of the swelling.”
Jeanne felt ill. She wasn’t sure how long she could wait to know just how damaged his brain was, but… she didn’t really have a choice, either. “…Thank you.”
Armin looked at her with concern. “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay with you?”
Jeanne closed her eyes, and swallowed thickly. “It’ll just make me more upset. Besides, his parents are on their way… they’ll be here soon.”
Armin frowned, but she knew he wouldn’t push her. “Alright, Jeanne. Please, if you need anything…”
“Yeah. I know.”
He gave her one last sad look before leaving her alone once again.
Comatose. He’d be comatose for a while… Christ.
She sat back down, trying to reassure herself that this was good news she’d heard, that things were going well in the operation. But it was hard, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to see him immediately wake up. If he would be the same when he woke up, even.
She went back to waiting, watching the sun begin to set outside.
Another hour passed. She’d called Bianca soon after Armin had told her his update, and Bianca had been about 2 hours out. His father couldn’t come; Marco’s youngest two sisters still lived at home, and he needed to be there for them. Marco was closer to his mother, anyway… he would be glad to see her when he woke up, Jeanne was sure.
Jeanne heard unfamiliar footsteps heading in her direction, and, since she was alone in the waiting room once again, she was sure they were for her. Sure enough, a doctor came around the corner, and glanced around, spotting her. He headed her way. “Are you Mr. Bott’s wife?” he asked.
“Yes, I am,” Jeanne said, a feeling of dread overcoming her. She hoped she wasn’t noticeably shaking.
“Your husband is out of surgery. I think my colleague may have told you, but we had to remove his right arm almost entirely. There was also extensive damage to the right side of his face. We did manage to save his eye.”
Jeanne nodded, her full attention on the doctor’s words.
“He suffered a traumatic brain injury. We’ve managed to get him into a stable condition, but we want to keep him in a medically induced coma until the swelling starts to subside. We aren’t sure how long that will take, or the extent of the damage. He may have some memory problems… he may have a different temperament. I’ll provide you with some literature on traumatic brain injuries, so you can at least feel a little more prepared. However, there’s nothing that can really make you feel totally prepared for something like that.”
“Is he… he’ll wake up, right?”
“We feel fairly certain he will.”
Jeanne sighed in relief. “Thank you for letting me know. Can I see him?”
“We’re moving him into another room right now. Room 137. You can go ahead there, and they’ll have him there shortly.” He nodded at her, and took his leave.
Jeanne moved quickly and grabbed her things, heading in the direction immediately. She got to the room before anyone else had come, and stood there, waiting nervously. While she waited, she texted Bianca, giving her the room number.
It seemed like it took forever, but finally, she caught movement in the hallway, in the form of a bunch of nurses and several doctors pushing a bed and machinery. Jeanne caught a glimpse of black hair, and felt her heart leap in her chest. They hadn’t lied to her. He was still alright.
The staff bustled him into the room. Jeanne wanted to cry when she saw him. The right side of his body was covered in bandages from the damage, and he looked incredibly pale, lying there in the bed. She wanted to run to him, to hold his hand, but knew that the staff needed to get everything situated.
Finally, after they got everything taken care of, one of the doctors headed over to her. They gave her the general rundown that the other physician had, and told her what to watch out for, reassuring her that he was on an alarm system in addition and would be well taken care of. And then, after a few more moments of checking different parameters on the machines, Jeanne was left alone with Marco.
She pulled a chair over to his bedside, and sat down gently, tearing up. He looked so vulnerable like this, and she hoped that he wasn’t in any pain. She took his left hand in hers, squeezing gently. “I love you,” she said quietly. “I love you so much.”
And for the first time that day, she let herself cry freely.