Chapter Text
“So did you, or did you not, have sex with Bellamy Blake these last couple nights?”
Clarke froze, the door nearly shut and Raven’s accusation hanging between them. She slowly turned to face her. Raven was sitting up in bed, still in her pajamas but looking very much awake, much to Clarke’s shagrin.
“I went to uh, get some fresh air.” She stumbled over her words as they came out, and even to her the lie was too obvious.
“I’m not stupid Clarke,” Raven sat more upright, her arms now crossed over her chest. “I’ve noticed that you haven’t spent the last couple of nights in here and that you’ve probably just been sneaking in before I wake up. I’m not that heavy of a sleeper.”
Biting her tongue, Clarke awkwardly shifted from foot to foot.
There was no way that she could even attempt to keep a lie up at this point.
“It’s just casual I swear,” she finally admitted. “We don’t have a name for it I guess, friends with benefits sounds dumb. It feels closer than that. But yes, we’re hooking up. We have been for the last four nights.”
What Clarke hadn’t been expecting was the wide grin that immediately spread out across Raven’s face after she said it. Gone was the shrewdness skepticism that had been her sole expression as she had caught Clarke sneaking back into their bedroom. She seemed excited, and almost as if she had been expecting this sort of revelation. But as Clarke sat down on her bed, the mattress squeaking under her, Raven’s face turned to more of a confused expression.
“So what’s the big deal? You know none of us would care, right? It’s totally obvious you’re into each other, just be open about it. Or just date for fuck’s sake.”
Clarke wasn’t sure how to explain that one.
“I mean, you know our sexual tension. We’re just working through it so we can go back to being friends. No one really needs to know since there’s nothing to know.”
She didn’t want to describe how it had been Bellamy’s idea and that he had been so clearly nervous to ask her. That in the moment, it had felt like the correct choice to make.
“Does Octavia know?” Raven arched an eyebrow.
“She does, in a way.”
Bellamy had apparently mentioned it somewhat and Octavia had been pleased about, saying that she was glad they were finally working their idiocy out. When she been told it was just a casual thing, she’d seemingly been annoyed but had dropped it.
Which seemed to be how everyone was taking it at this rate, if Raven’s expression was anything to go by.
But she dropped the skeptical glare and sighed.
“I won’t fight you on this, you’re more than capable of making your own decisions. But Clarke? Be careful. For both of your sakes.”
Clarke nodded slowly, promising so that Raven would stop looking at her like that. Like she pitied her. But then she quickly hurried to gather up her clothes for the day and slipped into the bathroom to start a shower.
The small bathroom began to steam up as the water heated up. Sighing, Clarke shed her clothes and stepped into the tub.
She had done a good job about not thinking about any of it too seriously. Embracing the small touches that Bellamy had started doing since that night, the small looks they’d exchange while they were with their friends. The way his hand had lingered on hers as he’d passed her the scorecard at mini golf. The past few nights as they’d wordshipped each other’s bodies, their marks blazing in pride at their joining.
But Raven had been a stark reminder about what they were doing, and now her mark flared dully against her wrist.
Fuck, she didn’t want to have think about all of this.
“How much would it cost to buy this place and live here forever?”
“More than you can afford.”
Harper groaned sadly at the reality Monty had given her, and she returned to haphazardly packing up the kitchen. It was a shared sentiment between the group.
It was their last day at the beach, getting ready to head out the next morning to return to campus. The end of vacation wasn’t one that they were looking forward to with the full knowledge that they’d have to immediately jump back into preparing for finals once they were back. Clarke had been running an internal checklist in her mind all afternoon about what she was going to have to do for her typography class and determined that she was not ready.
“Do you think Professor Franklin will care if I don’t turn in my essay?” Octavia asked glumly.
“You could just drop out and join me at the shop,” Emori joked, handing Raven the last board game to take back out to the car.
Bellamy’s “no” came out just as quickly as Octavia’s “oh my god yes.”
“Well I know I’m definitely going to try to make some more trips down to visit you guys,” Raven added. “I’ve had way too much with all of you to go to barely seeing any of you.”
It was true too, being with the group all week had made each of them even closer. It was hard to remember a time when they hadn’t all been just best friends, and Clarke was beyond thankful that Murphy had suggested it in the first place. She was going to have to buy him some bourbon as a thank you gesture once they got back.
They’d spent the early afternoon on the beach getting in some last time out there before being confined to stuffy classrooms. The sound of seagulls overhead had mixed with the crashing of the waves, laughter floating in the air.
There had been one last communal dinner and now they were working together to make sure the cars were entirely packed up that night so it was an easy morning. They’d told the owner of the beach house they’d leave relatively early, no doubt needing to so that it could officially cleaned up for the next round of visitors. Harper had already declared that they’d stop by the local coffee shop they had discovered the other day, making it easier to grab breakfast from their rather than a hurried clean up of cooking supplies before they left.
The clean up process had taken a bit longer than expected.
One of them would get distracted and then it would be a chain reaction. Or someone’s belongings had gotten caught up with someone else’s and then everyone had to dig through their bags to double check. One last load of frantic laundry to get the sand and dirt out of clothes.
While they waited for the pizza they had ordered to get there, Clarke wandered out to the back porch to make sure everyone had grabbed their flip flops out there. A glance out at the water and she found herself sinking onto one of the chairs and getting lost in thought. The sun was setting to her left, a soft glow coming over the houses next to their and alighting the ocean as it sank deeper into the horizon.
Harper’s earlier comment made her laugh but she almost wondered what it would be like to just disappear like that. Buy a small house in a totally different area, live a different life and just be. It was a tempting idea and the person in Clarke who preferred to run from her problems liked the sound of it.
But then amongst the sound of the surf, she could hear her friends behind her. And the particular sound of the voice that was a problem she was struggling to not run away from, Bellamy’s, was also what was keeping her there. Centered.
“Hey! Food’s here! You coming in?” Emori’s voice broke her thoughts and Clarke turned to grin.
“Yep! Just one more moment out here.”
A couple more deep breaths.
Yep, she could do this. She could face all of this. Bellamy, the return to school and then being halfway done with college.
So she pushed herself out of the chair and returned to her friends, cheering as Murphy and Octavia distributed the pizza and breadsticks and they all settled into their evening.
For their last night, they were going to keep it pretty simple. A drinking game to a movie.
“I vote we watch Spring Breakers ,” Jasper announced, squeezing his way onto the couch next to Raven.
There were immediate protests and Jasper chucked popcorn at the loudest – Bellamy. “Excuse me, it is the perfect movie for spring break. Plus the drinking game for it is amazing. Guaranteed wasted.”
Harper shook her head. “No way, I’m driving tomorrow morning. I’m not interested in feeling like death the whole way back.
They eventually came to the consensus of watching The Room , a classic enough movie for a drinking game but short enough that they could probably keep themselves from going too hard. Monty and Jasper loved bad movies more than anyone else in the group, but once it started and Clarke started sipping her beer, she had to admit that it was fun for her as well.
When Emori had flicked off the lights, Bellamy had stretched his arm up around the edge of the couch. She was on the end, so if Raven or Jasper had turned they wouldn’t be able to see it clearly thankfully . Instead it got to be their little secret, the warmth of his arm behind her neck as his fingers slowly toyed with her shirt sleeve or the ends of her hair. By the end of the movie, Clarke had given into her impulses and had nestled in closer to Bellamy’s side, her head resting against his shoulder. Her sips got lazier, even as the movie reached its ridiculous crescendo. His chest moved steadily as he breathed, and Clarke found her hand resting just barely on his stomach, feeling it move.
This feeling was almost too much.
Too much of an experience that she longed to keep going, even though she knew she wouldn’t be able to.
It was nearly midnight, slices of moonlight coming through the mostly shut curtains on the window. The beach house was silent as its occupants all slept through the night, except for two of them. They’d been more preoccupied with other activities, though sleep now threatened to overtake them as they lay tangled in the blankets. The roar of the ocean lulled in the distance.
The feel of Bellamy’s arm on Clarke’s hip was heavy and warm. His thumb was absent mindedly rubbing against her skin, and his eyes were shut, a half smile formed on his face.
Clarke had burrowed herself next to him, her hair strewn across his shoulder and her chin tucked under as she rested on his chest.
Unlike Bellamy though, she didn’t feel as relaxed as she wanted to be.
She kept envisioning going back to school – the magic of the week broken by the arrival of deadlines, homework, and other people. Away from the safety net of this small white house on the beach. But there was an outcome almost worse than them becoming too busy for each other.
What if they kept this up?
What if on weekends Clarke would just casually stay over later after everyone was done hanging out? She’d maybe have a spare toothbrush at his place, maybe a stack of clothes. Anything to make it less obvious when she came over that she wasn’t planning on leaving for the night.
Any other night, and Clarke would have been elated at the idea.
But tonight, on their last night of spring break, there was now a pit of dread in her stomach. A sinking feeling.
Because she wasn’t sure she was going to be able to keep doing this, keeping up the pretense that she was capable of only being friends with benefits with Bellamy. Yes he was her best friend, but somehow after all of what they had gone through, it was scarier to give into finally being soulmates. Echoes of their past felt too fresh now that she knew what he had watched happen with his mother. She couldn’t do that to him. It was easier to force herself to be platonic, knowing that she would keep him in her life, rather than potentially lose him as a romantic soulmate.
“Bell?” she whispered, almost against her will. She could feel her throat closing around his name.
He hummed in response and shifted their positions, allowing her to more easily look up at him.
At first he still had that soft expression he got on his face after they’d have sex, but then he realized how contorted Clarke’s face had become as she fought to continue.
“Hey hey hey, Princess what’s wrong?”
He fully shifted them into an upright position, worry now etched across his face as he looked nervously at her. She was always bad at hiding how she felt.
“When – when we get back to school, I think I’m going to have to change how I act with you,” she said quietly. Her eyes kept darting away from Bellamy’s.
“What?”
The one word came out louder than he probably had planned on, his face now cloudy with emotion. She could see his knuckles whitening as he clutched the bedsheets.
“I don’t regret what we’ve been doing Bellamy, I promise. I just don’t think I can keep this up. Pretending that his is all I want.” She bit her lip. “So I need to change how I act around you. I can’t lie about what I feel for you but I won’t pressure you, so I might need to… adjust how I am.”
“You want to… change?” He struggled with getting the word out and his eyes flashed darkly.
“I don’t want to!” Clarke found herself snapping at him. Why didn’t he just get it?
“Then don’t! I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.” A note hysteria tinged Bellamy’s tone.
Clarke sputtered at that. “We’re having this conversation because I care about you too much to ruin things.”
She felt the beginning of tears pricking at the corners of her eyes and inwardly cursed her emotional nature. She was normally so much better at holding herself together, but there was something about Bellamy that made it so much harder.
“I don’t have a choice,” she emphasized, suddenly feeling claustrophobic and the intense need to do something, anything to get out of this situation. Why hadn’t she just waited until they were back at school?
“Of course you have a choice. This is insane, I don’t want you to not be yourself with me.” Bellamy watched desperately as Clarke kicked the blankets off of her body and scrambled to find her clothes. “Clarke, look at me.”
She hated how her name sounded in his voice. Like it was a treasured word to him.
But she had to stay strong in this, she had to make him understand her point. Why she was willing to go through this pain
“If this is all you want or can handle, I can respect that. But what I can’t do is pretend that I can handle this. This week has been amazing, but…” she struggled to continue. “This isn’t all that I want. And it’s easier this way for us.”
“That’s bullshit Clarke and you know it.” Bellamy was now sitting on the edge of the bed, doing his best to keep his voice down so they didn’t wake up Jasper or Octavia in the living room. His expression was growing increasingly panicked.
“Forget it,” Clarke choked out, “I’m just going to go back to my room.”
Thankful for the limited amount of clothes she’d had to throw on, Clarke stumbled her way in the dark towards the door. Her room suddenly felt thousands of feet away, instead of simply across the living room. She couldn’t get there fast enough.
“Stop.”
It wasn’t a command. It came out like a broken request.
Clarke let out a shuddering breath, her lip quivering as she turned to face Bellamy. He was standing now, his shoulders slumped in defeat but his eyes staring intensely at her. They were swimming with tears though and Clarke realized it was the first time that she had ever seen him cry, even if they hadn’t released down his cheeks yet. He took a faltering step towards her but then fell back slightly.
His hands wracked through his hair as he fought to find the words he wanted to say.
“I’ve been scared,” he finally said, his voice almost hollow. “And even though we’re soulmates, I felt so guilty for realizing it so soon after Gina and I broke up. But then, I was scared that I could lose the person I care about the most in my life. You know my story.”
Clarke nodded, her throat tight.
Bellamy continued on. “Just being friends with benefits with you, even just being friends, was easier to swallow than the idea of us trying and being soulmates wouldn’t be enough to keep us together. That’d I’d lose you.”
She felt like she was struggling to breathe as she listened to him talk, but Clarke tried to not fight the bubble of hope that was growing inside her. If was hearing him correctly, he was confessing to her that he really did feel that way about her – the same as her. Seeing that she wasn’t getting angry or racing for the door, Bellamy resumed his slow steps towards her. Soon he was towering in front of her, his hand hesitantly tracing down her cheek.
“But now I have a new fear,” he swallowed nervously. “Imagining you having to change around me. Because fuck Clarke, you’re everything to me as you are and I can’t bear to have you any other way.”
That broke her and Clarke let out a soft cry, tears now coursing hotly down her cheeks.
“Do you think I’m not scared either?” She pleaded, her arms clutched around her waist as she tried to speak between heaving breaths.
He nodded numbly, his own tears silently tracking down his face.
“But don’t you think we deserve to give each other a chance? That we love each other enough to make it work?”
They’re so caught up in each other, that Clarke doesn’t even realize the word that had slipped through her mouth. But when they talk about this moment later on, she admits that she had known longer than then that she had loved him. That it had almost always been that way, since the moment they discovered their shared marks. And Bellamy will admit that he had known for so long too that he hadn’t even reacted to hearing her say it.
But that will be then, and this is now.
And right now, Clarke could only feel her stomach in knots as she looked up at Bellamy.
“I believe that we can do this together, don’t you too?” She whispered, her voice cracking as she looked up at him hopefully.
He was silent for a moment. Their chests were nearly touching, him still shirtless and hers too thin to block her from the heat radiating off of him. She didn’t know if it was from the intensity of the conversation or their time earlier, but it was as dizzying as his eyes staring straight into her.
She can see it in his eyes though, as well as in the way his shoulders relax.
He believes in them too.
Bellamy takes the last step forward and nearly scooped her up into his arms, his lips on hers faster than she can close her eyes. She threw her arms around his neck, holding on as he pushed her against the door. His hair was soft, if a bit tangled, as she twisted her hands into it and kissed him harder. Their kisses alternated between long and deep, as well as frantic peppered ones as they sucked in as much air as they can.
Bellamy pulled back a breath and rested his forehead against hers.
“Together,” was the one thing he whispered before leaning and kissing her again, capturing her lips as he pulled them away from the door and hoisting her fully around his waist.
Clarke grinned deliriously against his lips and hummed, nearly giggling as he dropped down onto the bed. This time, there wasn’t going to be a question of what things were going to be like afterwards.
They had made their decision, and somewhere beyond, fate smiled down on them.