Chapter Text
I couldn’t sleep.
I’d managed to settle down eventually, the talk I’d had with Paul hours before still running through my mind – what did he mean I already knew? I wish I did. Then this could all be over. At any rate, is eventually fallen asleep only to wake up a couple of hours later from yet another nightmare. Not the maze this time, I was in a gathering with the boys I care so much about, all mad at me because I didn’t choose them. I guess this has been playing on my mind for too long.
That’s how I found myself wandering towards homestead before sunrise. I didn’t feel like going for a run, knowing I would be going for a run with Ben later- I had to start really pushing him to build his endurance. He was going to hate me for sure. I’d thought about going to see Gally but after what happened before I think I need to fix things with him first.
A long shower didn’t do much to clear my thoughts, pulling one of Gally's shirts over my head, I wrung out my wet hair and sighed. Today seemed like another one of those long kind of days but maybe I would be proved wrong. Trying to be optimistic I decided to sit on the steps outside and watch the stars before they disappeared.
It was strange to me that the sun rose and set yet we could never see the moon. I don’t remember much about how it was supposed to work, but that always struck me as odd. Watching the familiar pattern of dots above me settled something inside, making me feel calmer than I had in days.
“Hey kiddo. How come you’re up so early?”
Paul took a seat on the step beside me, following my gaze up to the sky while absent-mindedly passing me a chunk of bread. Taking it with a smile I shrug. “Couldn’t sleep. What about you?”
Paul nods along taking a moment to consider his reply. “About the same. My brain wouldn’t slim it.”
Giving him a side eye I tease him lightly. “Wouldn’t be about whatever argument you had with Minho the other day would it?”
Paul looked at me then, brow furrowed. “who told you I'd-"
“I know I’m kind of wrapped up in my own little world but I do notice things y'know. You didn’t sit with him at dinner yesterday either.”
“Yeah. Well the shank is a stubborn shuck-faced -"
I cut him off, a bit alarmed that he would talk about Minho with such frustration in his voice. How did I not notice how bad this was? “Wow. Alright. Start at the beginning.”
He sucks in a deep breath and let’s it all out in a frustrated rush of air. “It's something I've noticed about the maze. Minho says it’s stupid but since I thought of it I can’t get it out of my shuck head and it’s – if I’m right then it’s bad. And I hope I’m wrong but Ebby I just don’t know. I don’t think I am.”
I listen to his rant, a lump forming in my gut. He wouldn’t be this worried if it wasn’t for nothing. I’m reluctant to ask what it is that has uncovered but know I can’t Just bury my head in the sand on this one. Even if Minho is right and it is nothing, it’s bothering Paul enough for me to take it seriously. He needs someone to talk to and I wouldn’t be proud of myself for turning my back on him after everything he’s done for me.
“Lay it on me shuck bucket. What do you think is going on?”
He fidgets with his fingers for a moment before speaking. “It’s just about the grievers and stuff. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what happened to Jamal, and you and Gally other people too and there’s a lot of things that don’t make much sense.”
I motion for him to continue. Curious.
“With Gally, the griever came up in front them, stung Gally then nick fought it off while Gally and Newt got away. but the main thing Gally remembers about it was how loud it was. Then it stings Jamal with Minho right around the corner and he doesn’t hear a thing. and why would it sting someone and then just leave?
“Nothing ever happens the same way twice y’know? There’s no pattern of behaviour or specific anything. The only thing that always happens is the beetle blades are out before the grievers are.”
“When they got you, there was just the one in the corridor right? It wasn’t moving. Then a different one chased you but it didn’t touch you.”
I frown, the last time I was in the maze rubbing through my mind. He had a point.
“I know you're fast kid, but if it wanted to get you, I think it would have managed it.”
His words falling into place, I shake my head. “What are you saying?”
“What if they’re being controlled? what if the attacks are for a reason? What if, those times were a trap or something and they wanted us to get hurt, or stung or something?”
“But if that's the case then-" My voice trails off in quiet horror as I realise exactly what that means.
“Then we'll never get out. Not until they decide we should. And they'll keep killing us or stinging us while we try until that day comes.”
The silence stretches or for a few long moments before I find my voice. “Shuck.”
“Yeah.”
“Paul. That's...”
“Stupid?” He suggests, defensive.
Letting out a bitter huff, I shake my head. “No. I wish it was. But it makes sense.”
Relieved, Paul runs a hand over his face. “I get why Minho doesn't want to hear it. Kind of makes everything were been doing out there pointless. But it’s important right?”
I don't answer his question, too busy still processing the new information. “So we're not even supposed to try to get out?”
“Maybe not. Not yet at least.”
I hide my nose in the collar of Gally's shirt and sigh softly. “I don't know how I feel about that.”
Paul frowns in my direction. “Sorry. I maybe should have kept it to myself.”
I shake my head at him to argue but he just shrugs. “Not like there's anything we can do about it anyway. If we just stopped trying to get out everyone would jack up and I don't want to see what that fallout looks like.”
I imagine falling back into the ‘old days' Alby mentions now and then and shudder. “Me neither.”
We sit in silence until he nudges me, a playful glint back in his eye as he changes the subject. “You happen to have an epiphany about all your shuck at all?”
I scoff, still upset about this new revelation on top of everything else. Everything else kind of fades in comparison really. “I’m not that lucky.”
“Y'know, I actually have a pretty good idea who it's gonna be.” His voice teases me, like he knows something I don’t.
“Oh really?” My voice gives away how interested I’d be in finding out. It might save me a job.
“Yup. I'm not telling until after you decided though.” Damnit.
I shove at his shoulder. “You’re such a slinthead.”
“I know you are but what am I?”
“Whatever.” I roll my eyes and smile at him, feeling lucky to have him as my best friend.
We spend the next short while taking klunk about anything and everything, making each other laugh despite the worries weighing on our minds. I feel considerably lighter by the time the sun comes up and the runners start shuffling about getting ready for their day.
When I can hear Minho pound on Ben's door for the second time I figure it’s time to actually get ready to start the day.
With another sigh, I get to my feet. “Play date with Bark later?”
“Sure. And hey, remember to fix things with Gally. He’s worried.”
Already on my to do list but I appreciate the reminder. “I will don’t worry.”
“Good.” He eases to his feet and pulls me into a hug. “I’m proud of you kiddo.”
Not that I’m against hugging Paul, but usually there’s a reason for it rather than out of the blue like this. Wrapping my arms around him I try to joke the tension away. “You're being weird.”
“Whatever.” He squeezes me one last time and with a grin, turns to go get the rest of his things before the doors open. I make a mental note to question his sanity when I see him tonight.
“Working on endurance today Benny.” The sound of the doors opening drowns out most of his disappointed groan.
Covered in sweat from keeping pace with Ben for hours, we fall into homestead around lunchtime. There are already Gladers sitting around the benches and the smell of whatever soup Fry and Steve have put together fills the room making my mouth water. I grab a bowl with a tip of my imaginary hat towards the cooks and scan the room deciding where to sit. Benny already sitting with Tim. Hopefully that means they’re back to normal again.
I consider sitting with Newt and Alby but they seem to be in some kind of serious conversation with Win. I almost walk over to Clint and Jeff when Zart throws something across the room and I catch Gally looking at me from the corner of his eye. I smile softly at him. Might as well get it over with. Rip it off like a band aid right?
When he realises I’m looking back at him I motion my head to ask if we can go outside. Everyone is too busy doing their own thing so he can say no if he wanted without any one being nosy, but he mutters something to the bricknicks around him and gets to his feet. I follow after him as he walks out the door and across the glade towards the campfire.
Falling into step with him I don’t wait for him to speak. He looks a little nervous though he’s putting on his trademark tough guy face, brows furrowed just enough to make you second guess his temperament. But I know better.
“Hey.”
He raises an eyebrow like I’m some puzzle he has to figure out. “Hi girlie.”
My nerves get the better of me and the silence stretches out in a long awkward moment. I didn’t really think about what to say. “I’m sorry about yesterday.”
He doesn't reply, maybe not trusting himself I realise given what Paul told me so I continue, frowning at myself. “I pushed you after you asked me to stop and I didn't listen. After everything... well I should know better.”
Gally stops walking, turning to me and putting his hands on my arms. Concerned eyes look down on me when he speaks with a hard tone to his voice that isn’t to be argued with. “This isn’t like that. At all. I’m not mad at you Ebony. I just wish I could give you the answers you want.”
I nod slowly. Looking up at him carefully. I’ve got no idea what he’s been through. I might not ever know. As much as I want to know what happened before we got stuck in the maze, I refuse to put him in that position again. “I won’t ask again.”
He smiles a little ruefully. Nodding along with me. “Thank you. For what it’s worth I’m sorry too.”
“It’s not your fault.” And it isn’t. It’s them. I hate them so much. After the conversation with Paul this morning I wonder if we'll ever get away.
As though he can read my mind Gally takes a seat on one of the logs by the extinguished fire. “It’s not changing any time soon Ebbs. Might as well make the best of things.”
“I know. It’s just – frustrating.” I test the word out sitting next to him. Taking a mouth full of soup. Then another because it’s really good.
“Preaching to the choir there.”
I’m glad it’s always so easy with Gally. Even when we clash it never stays that way for long. I finish the soup in record time sitting with Gally. We don’t speak much but it’s a comfortable silence anyway.
Gally looks over at me, glancing down to his shirt on my back before asking. “How’s Benny getting on?”
Maybe it's the talk I had with Paul earlier but I can't help but feign enthusiasm. Yesterday I was feeling pretty unsure about Ben going into the maze, and it's only been a coupe of weeks but I feel differently today. “He’s doing great y’know. I don’t think it’ll be much longer before he's ready and I’m back in the field. I’m actually really proud of him. He’s come a long way in a short time.”
“Well he’s the first runner that hasn’t come up out of the box with the stamina he needs already. Just shows how good a job you’ve done with him.”
“Well thanks. Considering I’ve still got no idea what I’m doing I think it’s gone pretty well.” It probably helped that as a bricknick, Ben was already in pretty good shape.
Before long I’m back to putting Benny through his paces. Thundering one foot in front of the other beside him I can’t help but wonder if I’m doing the right thing getting Benny ready to go out there. Like Paul said it’s inevitable, but what if something happens to Ben inside. Would it maybe be my fault?
Knowing there’s nothing I can do I push Benny harder than ever. Within an hour he starts cussing at me every second lap.
“Run like a griever is on your tail Benny. One day it might be. ”
Another few laps later, I hear someone call my name. Looking over while keeping up the pace I spot Newt waving me over. I finish the lap with Benny reminding him to keep going and veer off, slowing to a jog to stand beside him. My chest heaves catching my breath and I’m covered in sweat again so I’m secretly glad of the break.
“Hey Newt.”
“Hiya love. Everything okay?” He smiles at me but he looks a little worried. I wonder what he’s been told. About Gally? About Paul? Who knows at is point.
No. We’re all doomed to be stuck in this box for the rest of our lives and everyone’s more fixated on my love life. “Sure. Why wouldn’t it be?”
He explains sheepishly, an apologetic look on his face. “You’re pushing Ben there a little hard. That’s all.”
“Oh that.” I try and calm my breathing down, scratching at the back of my neck. “I’m planning on giving him most of tomorrow off to recover. But I was going to talk to Minho later about seeing what he thinks – I don’t think it’ll be much longer until he’s ready.”
“Oh really?” He seems pleasantly surprised.
“Yeah. He’s been doing really well. Depends on how eager Minho is to get him in. Might take a little while longer but we'll see.”
“That’s great.” Newt nods but it seems like there's something else he wanted to say.
“Everything okay? “
“Peachy. I actually just wanted to get your opinion on something.”
“Oh yeah? Shoot.”
“It's about the dog? Bark. There's been some suggestions about what to do with her. We're going to have a gathering about it tonight but you're not a keeper so-"
“What about her?”
“Some shanks reckon it's a good idea to send her into the maze with the runners. Paul or Minho seeing as they've been training her more than the others. They think she'll be able to sniff out something the runners might have missed.”
The thought makes an unpleasant prickle roll through the pit of my stomach. I take a minute or so to mull it over, Newt seeming to give me all the time I needed. Maybe it was because I was out of breath.
It made sense. To try her in the maze. She followed commands. Didn’t run off. But would that be different in a maze where she could get lost if she took one wrong turn? What if she distracted Paul or Minho and they forgot a turn and got lost in there too. I should give them more credit but the thought crosses my mind anyway. If Paul was right putting bark in there would only put them all at risk. Or was I just being selfish because of how much I enjoy her company?
I meet Newt's eyes feeling a bit lost myself. “I don’t think it’s a good idea. There’s too many risks. I mean, it’s one thing to have her listen in the glade but in the maze? And it’s a long shot just so she might be able to sniff something out. I don’t know.”
Maybe sending my distress he puts his hand on my shoulder, stroking his thumb over the shirt. “I was thinking something similar myself love don’t worry.”
“Good that Newt.”
Watching Benny loop around another lap, pelting as fast as he can makes me think that maybe Newt is right about pushing him too hard. We’ve been at it most of the day anyway. There’s only a couple of hours until the runners are due back so he’s done a lot.
Cupping my hands to my face I call over to him. “Hey Ben! Take a load off. Walk the next lap, get your breath back then head into the hut.”
Ben slows to what could barely be described as a walk, grumbling and groaning with relief making Newt and I chuckle.
“That’s how you know you’re doing a good job Ebbs.”
“if that’s all then I’ve been doing a fantastic job should have heard what he called me last week.”
Newt laughs.
I decide to leave Ben to his model alone tonight. If I’m honest I don’t do much and I don’t think I’m his favourite person right now. There’s still a few hours left in the working day so I decide to head over to the field where the track hoes are planting seeds of some kind.
“Hey Zart.” I tease him lightly making him stop from his hunched position on the ground. “Little birdie told me you missed me.”
Zart rolls his eyes though there's a smile on his face. “slim it shank. Need to get this done by the end of the day if you feel like making yourself useful.” He sounds stressed enough to make me want to help.
“I'm plenty useful.” I argue, crossing over to the wheelbarrow to take one of the spare packets of seeds. “where do you want them?”
He gestures vaguely to a few rows along from the other track hoes who are busy at work where the ground is fresh and ready for sowing.
“Gotcha.”
I can't say it's fun because I was already exhausted to begin with but it feels good to get stuck into this again. I lose myself in the methodical work and it actually makes me feel much better. As bleak as the outlook is about being stuck here we would be okay if that was the case. A good garden, a good stock of animals. We would be okay. There's something about growing it all that makes things seem better.
The sky gets dark by the time we're done and as I walk into homestead for some well deserved dinner the maze doors roar to a close.
Danny is in the middle of catching me up on the antics I've missed, our laughter filling the room when one of the runners - Dave comes over.
“Ebony. Have you seen Paul?”
I shake my head, still smiling. “Not yet. Meeting him at barks shed after this though. I’ll tell him you’re looking for him.”
“No. It’s – uh.”
“What’s wrong Dave?”
His silence makes me frown. What s wrong? “Dave...”
After a long moment he sighs and spills the beans. “Paul didn’t go into the map room. No one’s seen him.”
“What?”
Jumping up from the table I make a beeline past the rows of benches and out onto the glade. My mind filled with white noise too afraid to think before I got more information. It was probably nothing. I’d kill him for it. But it would be nothing. Rounding towards the map room a group of gladers are in the middle of – something.
Alby and Newt have gotten in between Minho and Josh. Minho looks about ready to tear his face off if it weren’t for Alby holding him back. Newt has his hand firmly planted on josh's chest though Josh doesn’t seem eager to get any closer. A couple of runners are there behind them, though I can’t decide on their expression.
“I did a headcount! I swear! I didn’t see him come out so then I looked in the map room door like I’m supposed to and checked. They were all in there.”
Minho growls, pushing against Alby who has him by the collar of his shirt. “That was Ben you shuck faced son of a-"
Minho jumps for Josh violently, letting out an anguished shout. The other gladers go up in arms, becoming a mass of tangled limbs and raised voices. I can’t stomach it.
My voice cuts over the brawl, stopping it dead. “Hey! Where’s Paul?”
Minho just looks at me. Pain stretched across his features. What was -
Oh no.
No. No no no.
Please no.
Alby's voice is firm. “We don’t know.”
They don’t know. Or they do.
I look over to the north door that he disappeared through this morning. For a moment, I just stare at the place where the gap in the concrete was. The realisation clicking into place. This isn’t real. He made it through. He always makes it through. Just this morning we were... He said he'd take bark out on a run with me tonight. He -
He has to be here somewhere.
Without another thought. I tear off to the next door. The gladers jumping as I plough through them without notice. I hear something behind me but it doesn’t matter. He wouldn’t joke about this so he has to be hurt. But if I made it round to another door then he can too. He’s the one who taught me how to run, he’s the one who taught me the maze and how to navigate. How to count the turns and how to keep calm. It saved my life and it will save his. It has to.
He has to be at another door.
I reach the eastern door, sealed shut just like the North. there’s nothing but a grassy field, the slammer to the side.
“Paul!”
My voice cracks as I screech his name. I can only hear the sound of my own heart hammering in my throat. it feels tight.
Distant voices call my name, I glance over to see its the other gladers calling me back, but they don’t understand. He’s got to be here.
Next door.
I don't know if he’ll have managed to reach the north door, the corridor seems to run completely in the opposite direction. It’s too hard to get to the South from the North. but there’s still a chance. I know first hand exactly what you can do when you’re pushed hard enough. you’ve just got to want it enough that’s all. and he promised. he promised he would be back.
A sob escapes my throat as I reach the South door with no Paul in sight. My wet eyes flick to the wall with our names etched into it. Mine is right next to his.
He has to be okay.
Through the trees, I cut through the forest to get there faster. He’s at the West door. He’ll be in bad shape and I'll kick him for getting me into this state. Maybe I’ll be able to carry him over to Clint. hopefully he’ll hear me. Paul’s a lump. I’m going to kill him as soon as he’s better for scaring me like this. it’s not even remotely funny.
“Paul! Where are you?” my voice adopts a certain kind of hysteria, it scares me a little more and it hurts but I push on anyway. this is more important. I reach the last clearing
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
I can tell I’m hyperventilating but I can’t do anything about it. Backing away from the wall I turn slowly on the spot, fisting my hair so hard it hurts. This hole we're stuck in feels more suffocating than ever before. I want out. I want Paul. I want - I don’t even know I just hurt. Everything hurts.
Did he know this was going to happen? What was it he said this morning?
A hand reaches across my back, I startle spinning only to see Gally, his brows knitted together, his eyes glazed over.
“Gally.” His name slips out of my throat in a whine.
“I know” He nods at me. Gripping my shoulder as a tear falls down his cheek.
“He’s not-“
“I know.”
“I cant find him. He's supposed to be here.”
He can't reply. What could he possibly say? I whisper mostly to myself unable to stop myself babbling. “Why isn't he here?”
“I don’t know girlie.”
My fist balls onto Gally's shirt. My arms tremble. My chest aches. “He has to be here - he can't be. He can't Gally!”
“Alright. Breathe Ebony.” His voice tries to soothe me but I can’t.
“I wont - he just isn’t okay? He’s somewhere. He’s not dead. He’s not. I can't. Oh god I can’t.”
Dissolving into sobs I grip onto him. I'm pretty sure my legs had given out a long time before I end up on the ground in his arms, sobbing uncontrollably. Gally holds me tighter, keeping me upright like I’d fall into nothing if he wasn’t there. He doesn’t say anything and he doesn’t need to. nothing would help anyway. He holds my shattered pieces together as best he can while I fall apart in his arms.