Chapter Text
Mama, are you there?
The emptiness was tangible outside without the constant chirping of cicadas and crickets, the river all but deserted by the usual laughter of children splashing in the water. The quiet around Shane heavily contrasted with all of the thoughts rushing through his head. The only thing he could hear now in the dead of winter was the whip of yellow caution tape as it rustled, cold wind catching at the ends of it.
Shane sat in his usual spot on the old railroad bridge just outside King County. He kicked his legs absentmindedly over the open water, the way he would if he were swimming. In fact, he did swim in those waters, even after his mama disappeared.
He and Rick had made their way through those woods and down that dusty dirt path dozens of times. When they were kids, they’d always lazed in the shallow waters bordering the shore, needing a break from their fruitless search party as they baked under the hot summer sun.
Shane tried to hide a shudder at the memory now. As he stared at the stagnant, frigid depths, his jaw twitched.
He crossed his arms and hooked them over the cable railing— the only thing keeping him from slipping off into the unending chasm below.
Every time he came here, Shane couldn’t help remembering the day his mama was found. For all of 1989, the only thing he could see when he closed his eyes was her face. Not the one she wore while she was teaching him how to cook pancakes for breakfast, and not the one she had when she picked him up from school. The face Shane saw burnt onto the back of his eyelids was out of a nightmare, blue skin pruned, bloated and rotting. It was completely foreign to him, yet if he imagined it he could still make out his mama in the decayed empty husk the police had unearthed from the water all those years ago.
The thought of it turned Shane’s stomach. He remembered Rick trying to hold him back, trying to block his view so he wouldn’t see them lifting her into the body bag from the shore. Back then when he was just a kid, he remembered blaming his father, spending months thinking he’d done it. The anger he felt when he finally lashed out was powerful, baring his teeth as if ready to rip and tear out the man’s throat like he’d wanted to for so long.
Looking back on it, Shane could pinpoint the exact moment when he should’ve realized the truth. All of the anger and accusations were met with his old man dropping to the ground, sobbing brokenly. Shane had never been able to think of anything else that ever brought his father to his knees, crying the way he did. The only reason Shane hadn’t put the pieces together sooner was because the truth had been too hard to face, so he ignored it.
It had taken years, but Shane had since stopped wondering why his mama did what she did. Now, he thought he finally knew the answer. The night terrors had stopped too for the most part, but every once in a while, he’d dream of her. Not of her death, but of her driving up to the high school parking lot and telling him to hop in as if she’d never left him. Her hair was always swept back, showing off her laughter lines when she smiled.
Reality had always been a hard pill to swallow, as Shane usually preferred dreaming in this case. The top of Shane’s flask peeked out of his varsity jacket pocket, reminding him of what he’d come here for.
“Hey.”
Shane took a swig before twisting around to face the owner of the voice that startled him out of his thoughts, “Hey yourself.”
Of course— Rick always knew where to look for him lately whether it was out here by the water, or buried alive in his own head. Shane couldn’t look him in the eye, watching as Rick dug the toe of his boot into a small patch of dirty ice on the ground.
“I couldn’t find you, so I figured you mighta’ left early.”
Shane normally would’ve been happy to stay until the alcohol ran dry at the end-of-season party with his team, surrounded by girls falling all over him, everyone drunk as hell. But not today. He’d shown his face for a little while to keep up appearances. After all, the smartass, mischievous star of the football team couldn’t really miss a party. Especially if it was the last one the team threw before he graduated.
Rick sat down next to him, scooting close enough that their knees touched. He kept his tone a bit lighter, in contrast to the palpable heaviness in the air, “I knew you’d be here.”
Shane gave a sigh of defeat, offering the flask to Rick, who surprisingly accepted it. He wasn’t especially one for drinking, but on today of all days, he supposed Rick felt obligated. Shane, on the other hand, might snag anything he could get his hands on- his old man would probably never notice anyway, with his seemingly endless supply. He took another swig, his father's Jack Daniels burning his throat.
He braced himself against the gust of wind that jostled his jacket, fingers twitching anxiously. Some time alone to pray to his mama about things would’ve been nice, wish her a happy birthday and all, talk through some important stuff with her, but Rick had followed him all the way out here the second he’d been able to sneak off. Lately he hadn’t been able to get much space to himself with Rick constantly trailing behind him.
Sorry mama, you know Rick these days. Always so goddamn concerned about me. I guess I would be too, if he were in my shoes. Still though. He’s real stuck on me, I think. Kinda annoying, but I guess it’s fine. Besides, in a way I’m real stuck on him too, I guess.
Shane glanced over at Rick, "Apparently you did. Ain’t that predictable, am I?"
Rick nudged him with his shoulder, "Eh, sure you are. Just as bad as when we were kids. Might even be worse now." His friend had a playful lilt to his voice, trying to distract him. From what, Shane wasn’t sure since there were too many options. His memories? His mom? His dad? Come to think, Rick spent quite a bit of his time distracting Shane recently. He appreciated it, but he really did just come out here for some peace and quiet. Shane had some pretty important stuff to tell his mama.
Even so, what was the harm in humoring him? Might make things more bearable for a minute. With a smirk and a light-hearted challenge to his tone, Shane replied, "Yeah? And just how bad was I, hm?"
"Bad enough that my dad had to ask you to stop tossin’ gravel and wood chips at my window every time you wanted me to come out,” Shane scoffed as Rick continued, “He was probably just afraid one day it was gonna be a big rock or a baseball. Which, y’know, was right up your alley, I guess."
Now that was just insulting, Shane wouldn’t stand for even the joking insinuation that he’d break a Grimes’ window. He had lightly vandalized other houses as a kid though, but that was just for fun…
Okay so maybe Mr. Grimes had a point. This realization didn’t stop Shane from raising an eyebrow comically high, "Oh c’mon, I ain't that reckless. ‘Sides, if ya’ll thought it’d be a baseball one day, wouldn’t that be a surprise? Maybe I ain’t that predictable after all, an’ your ass just don’t wanna admit it. I gotta keep ‘em guessing, never let ‘em know my next move.”
Rick caved faster than Shane thought he would’ve as he shrugged with a scoff, “Alright, we’ll have it your way. But if you ain’t more predictable like we thought, you’re at least way more trouble than you used to be- got a crazy legacy left behind in those halls.” Shane had always been getting in and out of trouble, skirting around the consequences and still landing on his feet every time. He’d pulled more than a few pranks in his lifetime, but he definitely knew which ones Rick might’ve been referencing just based on his tone.
Shane tried to back himself up, “Alright, alright Grimes, but you tell me- who was nearly pissing his pants laughin’ in the hallway cause of my damn pranks? Hm? All that, and who was nearly havin’ a stroke? Or lung failure, I dunno which. You can’t tell me my shit wasn’t comedy gold.”
Rick sighed big and loud, all noisy and over-exaggerated. He rolled his eyes, nudging his boot gently against Shane’s shoe. Shane didn’t miss the way Rick tucked his leg a bit behind his own, hooking their ankles. After a minute, Rick looked over at him resignedly as Shane grinned at him for the first time that night, his eyes glittering, “Mmhm. That’s what I thought. C’mon, you can laugh, I’m funny as shit n’ you know it. I’ve got my ways.”
A warm hand jostled Shane’s shoulder as his friend complained, “Better hope your ways don’t get you expelled before we graduate, or else my ass is gonna have to find a new lab partner.” Shane scoffed, but he could feel the space inside his chest swelling with something. Whatever it was, it made him sigh without his permission.
Instead of making another comment, Shane decided not to fully engage with Rick this time, hoping his friend might get the hint and remain silent now so he could pray to his mama without any more distraction. The companionship had been more than appreciated, but he wanted to get back into the introspective mood he’d been in before he was sabotaged. Or helped? He wasn’t sure which. However, he did feel pretty sure that he needed peace and quiet to pray to his mama and give her the respect and love she deserves.
Gradually, and almost painfully, Shane untangled their legs and scooted a few inches away from Rick to give himself room to breathe. This, of course, received an inquisitive look from his friend. Shane had honestly felt his privacy stripped from him by good intentions more and more recently, with Rick following him around everywhere since last spring.
“Shane…?”
Shane shrugged with a humorless breath of a chuckle at Rick’s pointed look, “I dunno, uh... I dunno what to say. I appreciate you comin’ out here, I do. But I know why you did. I wasn’t gonna do anything dangerous. I just wanna pray to my mama on her birthday, that’s all. But it seems like you just wanna, what, distract me? And I get it, but you didn’t have to follow me. That’s not what I’m doin’ here.”
“I wasn’t following you per say , I was just checkin’ on you to make sure-”
“No, Rick, you were. You always do. It’s like you don’t think you can trust me. Lately I can’t even go to the damn bathroom by myself, like you wanna hold it while I piss or somethin’? Do you think I’m crazy, Rick? Do you think without you, I’ll just-”
The minute he saw Rick’s face fall, he fiercely regretted the words that spilled out of him on impulse. Damn it, Rick, with the eyes. Always gets me.
Shane scrubbed a hand over his face, through his unkempt curls, pinching the bridge of his nose as he backpedaled, “Shit. Okay, you know I didn’t mean- I’m sorry, man, I’m just,”
As Shane continued to nervously babble mildly apologetic sounding words, he noticed Rick start to get up.
He got halfway there when Shane grabbed the pocket of his friend’s jean jacket and latched his hand on to keep Rick there. Shane was disgusted with the desperation he heard in his own voice as he stuttered out, “W-Wait, wait, hey- look, I’m sorry, I really am. Just- Just stay. Please, Rick.”
His friend sighed harshly, frustration creeping into his voice as he replied, “You know I’m only tryin’ to help. I’m worried about you, and I have every right to be. After what happened last year...” Rick looked out onto the water, face contorted with worry as he crossed his arms, “I guess I’m still afraid of what you’d do if I let you outta’ my sights. Especially today. After everything we’ve been through, is that so damn unreasonable?” Shane heard such equal amounts of despair and urgency in his friend’s voice that it gave him physical full-body pain.
Shane kept his eyes down at his lap as he chewed his lower lip anxiously, “No…guess not.” After that night last year on this same bridge, Shane knew for sure what his choice was. He’d found out he wanted to live. Shane guessed it was just something that had to happen, because otherwise he would’ve never known. Maybe to know he’d wanted life, it had to nearly slip out of his grasp.
Rick sighed and settled back down next to his friend, much to Shane’s relief. Maybe having someone sit next to him as he prayed to his mama wouldn’t be that bad. With Rick’s shoulder pressing firm into his own, it might even be better than he thought.
Shane cocked his head trying to meet Rick’s eyes, following his gaze with a coaxing tenderness to his voice as he tried convincing his friend how perfectly fine everything was.
“Hey, you listen to me, man. I know you’re scared, but you gotta let me handle that shit, alright? S’okay.” Rick met his eyes and swallowed, and Shane could see the doubt in them clear as day. “I know I’m bein’ an asshole about this, since you’re just gonna worry about me anyway. But Rick, this…you gotta trust me on this, for once.” Rick’s gaze faltered, eyes shining guiltily.
Shane pressed a hand against Rick’s upper back, “Please. I need you with me on this, Rick.”
He murmured in a quieter voice, “You know I do.”
Rick sighed, “I know.” He gently nudged his boot back around Shane’s shoe, linking their ankles again, “I’m here for you, Shane. I will trust you.”
A lengthy pause turned into an indeterminate amount of time, Shane having no clue how long they’d been there, quiet and in thought. As he leaned against Rick, massaging his fingers on the spot between Rick’s shoulder blades, he found it odd that he paid attention to the way he smelled. Even odder that it was comforting, and that Shane didn’t want to leave if it meant he’d have to stop sharing this space with him.
Bile rose to the back of Shane’s throat when it dawned on him how dangerous these thoughts were. As soon as he’d been aware of them, he’d tried to push them back down far enough where they couldn’t reach him anymore. Sometimes, the thoughts would stubbornly resurface and refuse to back down. Yet another one of Shane’s many ongoing internal crises.
Mama, do you think you would’ve liked Rick if you’d ever met him? Maybe if I tell you what he’s really like. He’s actually pretty okay for an asshole- not that I’d ever let him in on that. I mean he’s annoying as hell, that’s for sure. And you can bet I tell him so every day. Lately, as you can see, he’s been followin’ me around, always fussin’ over me and carryin’ on. Ain’t usually this way, though. And another thing, he’s a pussy cause he never wants to drink with me, but he’ll drink with that Lori at all the parties. So hard to pull him away from her sometimes, I almost feel bad doin’ it. He acts like he’s so smart and level-headed that it’s irritating, but he almost never gets mad at me, not even when I deserve it. He likes to play the good guy like that, as you can rightly tell. He can be kinda insensitive though, and real stubborn. Even with all that, his heart’s still more fragile than you think. He shares it with everybody. He’s got so much determination and hope, I’d be terrified.
Shane sighed audibly, and he felt himself shaking like the withered leaves in the trees above. He looked up to the moon as if it had all the answers to his unasked questions.
All that shit, and I still can’t imagine my life without him. Hell, I don’t think I’ll ever want to.
Shane felt a dull ache in his chest as his trembling subsided— it was probably just because of the winter weather. Or the alcohol. Definitely nothing else. He desperately needed it to be nothing else, because his thoughts were starting to scare him again. But this time, it was different.
Shane snorted after a while, when he finally thought of a reply to what Rick said, “Y’know what else you are, besides bein’ here for me an’ all?” He felt Rick startle at his words, revealing how long it’d been since anyone had spoken.
“What’s that?”
“Rank. You smell like a fuckin’ barn, man.” The elbow jab was so immediate that it almost surprised Shane, a tiny grin on his face. He felt Rick kick their legs together and then heard a mocking mutter of, “And you act like you were raised in one, man you are such an asshole. It took you that long to come up with that?”