Chapter Text
“Shut up Luke!” Michael shouted, covering my voice. I was talking about my love for cheese toasties, when Michael shut me up, reminding me once again that no one cared. I faked a smile as he laughed along with Calum and Ashton. I was completely used to this, but considering how much I still loved Mikey, it still hurt a bit.
“Leave my Lukey alone,” Calum defended me, pulling me into a hug.
“Yeah!” Ashton joined in. “Leave our little penguin alone!” he giggled as he joined mine and Calum’s hug. Michael, with a hint of jealously dived down on top of the three of us making us groan.
Soon after I joined the band, I realised that Michael would sometimes be a complete asshole to me and there was nothing I could do to change that. Not that I minded. I knew that he was joking and that he did love me. We had come a long, long way since then, our music skills still increasing and our band doubled in size. Soon after Mikey and I had started out, Michael begged me to let Calum join. At first I wasn’t too sure, but I said yes because I wanted to please Michael. Calum and I didn’t see eye to eye at first, but soon I became as friendly with him as Michael was and I was glad to have him in our band. Later on, when we had our first actual gig we realised how badly we needed a drummer, so that’s where Ashton came in.
Michael told us that they had a mutual friend but after a bit more prying from Calum and I, he admitted that he found him on a dating site.
“What were you doing looking at guys pages on a dating site?” Calum asked. Michael blushed like mad. “You’re not gay are you?” Calum seemed shocked at the thought. Until that day, I had always assumed that Michael had told Calum about “that night” (but changing it a bit so it sounded like I came onto him and he didn’t want it) but then I thought otherwise.
“No!” Michael giggled. Calum laughed too and announced that he was going to get a snack and when he left Michael winked at me. Like legit winked as if to say he was gay. My broken heart did a 360 and I smirked. But he never gave any other hint of actually being gay.
I was kinda hurt of Michael looking at guys on dating website’s, especially because I was sure he knew that I still liked him. But despite that, I liked Ashton. Not like-liked, like I did with Michael but I liked him as a friend. I liked Calum as a friend too, but I got on better with Ash. I was positive thought that nothing would ever beat my love/hate friendship with Michael.
So Michael was half a kitten/half a punk rock teenager who’s sweater paws make me want to jump off a cliff, Calum was like a majestic puppy and I knew I could trust him with anything and Ashton was a giggly pony-loving boy who was like a brother to me. Then there was me, an awkward boy who liked penguins and cuddles, I was kind of a lost cause. We all had our major flaws. But it was okay because we all loved each other even Ashton did scream at us and Michael did tease me. And we seemed to work okay together as a band. More than okay.
Since we had been posting covers together on Youtube our fanbase hasn’t stopped growing. We’ve played a lot of shows around the place and people have being recognising us on the street. We have done a successful tour in Australia to screaming fans. We recorded our first EP. And now we had a sold out concert in London.
So for the first time ever, 5 Seconds of Summer were going to the UK. It was our first time being somewhere other than Oz as a band. We were going to be in a new place for 3 weeks without our mums, playing and recording and meeting fans. We were beyond excited. We had fans obsessively tweeting us about how they couldn’t wait to see us. I was still amazed about how far we had gone. I couldn’t believe that people actually liked our music.
It seemed to good to be true, and that we were never actually going to London. We anxiously anticipated it, worried that we would be let down. It took ages to come around. Endless days of sitting in class listening to the clock tick. Endless nights of listening to Michael’s teasing before Ash and Cal sticking up for be and Mikey insisting that I knew he was joking. And he was right, I did. But I still wished he would stop. But we finally arrived at London after an issue with Ashton’s forgotten passport and a seemingly never-ending flight. But we got there and it was amazing.
The place was lit up with Christmas lights and an layer of snow was stuck to the ground. It was unlike anything I had see before. The minute we got out of the cab at our hotel, we completely lost it and dropped our bags and went to play in the snow. It was my first experience with it and I will always remember it. Suddenly Michael came up and hugged me, under the colourful lights. I laughed and hugged him back, shivering. We always hugged, but not like this. It was heartfelt and comforting and it wasn’t nearly as good as a kiss, but it was a well needed substitute. It didn’t last long though because Calum screamed group hug and him and Ashton hugged us both from behind.
It was late when we did finally go into the hotel. I was exhausted and I could barely walk. I don’t know why but Michael said “I’m rooming with Luke,” and he insisted on it. I usually roomed with Calum, or sometimes Ash.
We walked into the room laughing about something Ashton had said, (- like we were best friends. And that was what we were - best friends. If you asked anyone at school, they would tell you that. Even though he teased the shit out of me, he would beat anyone who said what he said to me. And I would forever love him for that) but we stopped when we saw a double bed in the room, instead of two singles.
We got ready for bed, not talking to each other, and rang our mums assuring them that we were okay. We stared at each other before I said, “I can sleep on the floor if you want.”
“No way,” he told me. He hesitated before adding “Just keep to your side. I don’t want your gay to rub off on me!”
The words were like a dagger in my already broken heart. He started at me, like he was expecting me to laugh, like I usually do when he insulted me. Tears stung my eyes. He had said many hurtful things to me in the past few months, years even, but this was past the line and he knew it.
“No, I’m sorry I didn’t mean that,” he said, but it was too late. His sharp words had already wounded me. I sighed, laying down on the bed and pulled the blanket right up to my neck.
“That was too much I know, I didn’t realise what I was saying,” he told me, sadness in his voice. I sniffed, trying not to let him know that was I was crying.
“I know I should never joke about that. I don’t care if your gay. I love you, you know that.” His worlds made my heart melt, yet again. I felt that I was kind of overreacting, but I didn’t want to forgive him yet.
“Just go to sleep, Michael,” I sighed, making sure to mask the sadness in his voice. I felt him shift on the bed. I laid there, tears flowing but not making a sound. I was almost completely sure he was a sleep before I let myself release a sob.
“I’m so sorry Lukey,” he said and I knew he was. But he just reminded me that I was a worthless, ugly, gay piece of shit. I had just gotten over that, and learned to accept myself. I wasn’t ready to forgive him yet.
I let out another large sob, not even caring anymore. “Cuddle?” he asked. Although I kind of hated his guts at that very moment, I desperately wanted to cuddle. I wanted him to kiss my forehead and wipe my tears away with his sleeve and I wanted him to tell me that I was perfect and that any girl or guy would be lucky to have me. And I knew that would happen if I would just say “yes”. But I didn’t. I knew that then I would want more than that, but he wouldn’t be able to give it to me. So I went on ignoring him.
I desperately wanted something to hold on to, even if it wasn’t him so when I was 100% sure he was snoring I turned on my lamp and started rummaging through my suitcases. I starting crying again because I couldn’t find what I was looking for.
“Luke?” Michael sat up, his voice was raspy because he had just been woken up. “Please stop crying, I really didn’t mea-”
“No. I can’t find my penguin,” I interrupted him, crying. It might sound silly, but I needed it. I knew that I had no chance of sleeping if I didn’t have it. “I think I left it at home!”
“Oh baby,” Mikey said, sleepily getting out of bed. He knew it, along with the other boys, that I actually needed not just wanted my stuffed penguin. “It’s in my suitcase remember, it didn’t fit in yours.” Michael handed me the penguin, and I went back to bed, clutching it tight to my chest. He turned off the night and climbed into bed next to me, and I didn’t protest when he slung his arm over my waist and nuzzled his head into my neck.
//
“Wake up Lukey,” Michael poked my cheek and I opened my eyes, looking around the hotel room.
“Mornin’,” I mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. Michael was staring at me with an anxious look in his eyes.
“I’m sorry about last night,” he whispered. I knew he was, so I decided to forgive him, even though I had a gut feeling not to.
“Let’s just forget about it, yeah?” I smiled. His face lit up and he grinned back at me.
We started our day with a full English breakfast and then headed out into the cold day. There was a weather warning, but there was still always groups of fans waiting for us wherever we went. We went writing or recording during the day and played a show that night. It was simple but amazing and we couldn’t believe how much people loved us here. It felt so great to make people happy. Most nights we had a long van ride back to our hotel in London but it was okay because Michael and I usually cuddled in bed afterwards. We went on every day doing the same thing, but each day it got so much more real, so much more amazing.
I was upset when we finally played our last show in the UK, not ever wanting to leave. But we still had a full day left in London and on the 2 and a half hour drive to the hotel with the lads I started to plan it out.
“We should go on the London eye one last time, that was amazing. And then maybe we could tweet where we are so fans can meet us. And can we go to that cool restaurant place again?” I asked the boys hopefully.
“Sure, my little penguin,” Calum giggled.
“Yeah whatever you want Lukey,” Ashton agreed. “We’re just so happy that you’re having a good time. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.”
Michael just started at me. When we finally got out of the black cab, he held my hand tightly as we walked up to our room. He shoved the key in and pushed me inside before loudly slamming the door.
“Why are you -” I started, but I was interrupted when a pair of lips smashed on to mine. I couldn’t believe it. Once again, Michael Clifford was kissing me. I wasted no time and locked my arms around his neck, kissing him back. He pulled away, but pressed me gently up against a wall.
“I hate when Calum and Ashton say “their baby Lukey” or “their little penguin,” he told me, his face just inches from mine. “Because you’re not theirs. You’re mine.” He kissed me again, passionate but gently. I thought that it had finally happened, but then all of a sudden I remembered last time and how I felt when he said that he couldn’t do it. I knew that this would happen again and I remember how I didn’t speak to him for over a year, how my life felt so empty without him.
I abruptly disconnected our lips, pushing him away from me. This time I was the one to say, “I can’t do this.” I left the room and stepped out onto the balcony (or whatever the fuck you call it, I can’t remember). It was snowing but I didn’t care as I sat on the icy floor and pulled my hood up. I didn’t want to see his face. I knew if I did I would weaken and he would break my heart again.
I was sitting there for no more than 30 seconds when I heard Michael come out and sit beside me. I sighed. “Do you know I came out here to get away from you?” I said bluntly. He didn’t reply but I heard him sniff. I looked up at him - he was crying.
I opened my mouth to say something, but no words would come out. He eyes were full of sadness as they locked with mine. It took all the strength I had not to reach out and pull him into my chest. “I thought you still liked me,” he cried. I looked at him, dumbfounded.
“I do. You know I do,” I whispered, so that he could barely hear me.
“But then why…?” he trailed off, looking at me so that I would speak.
“You know damn well why!” I yelled. “You’re just gonna tell me you can’t do this again. Your just going to break my heart again and you know it!” I was crying now too. I just wanted everything to work out.
“I’m sorry,” He sobbed. “I wanted it Luke, even more then you did.” I scoffed. “I did,” he insisted. “There was a whole lot of things I wanted to say that night that I didn’t. I loved you, Luke, I still do. I wanted nothing more than to be known as “Luke’s boyfriend”, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready to come out as gay. It would be nothing but teasing and I wasn’t even completely sure then. I thought it was just a phase but now I know it’s not. It just happened so fast, we weren’t expecting it. Neither of us were ready, you know it was the best thing to do. I was scared of loosing you as a friend, but I did and I kinda deserved it. I regretted it every second that you weren’t speaking to me. I loved you so much, I never stopped. When we ignored each other all I wanted to do was hug you and make you laugh. I’ve always wanted to hold your hand in the hallways and smell like you because I would always be wearing your hoodies. I wanted to take you on cute dates and brush your fringe out of your eyes as I tell you that I loved you. I’m sorry for being so mean to you, it was my way of coping with not being able to kiss you. I’m sorry, but if you don’t want to forgive me, I understand,” he admitted, out of breath by the time he stopped talking.
“C’mere babe,” I stretched out my arms and he literally ran into them, laying his head on my chest. “Of course I forgive you. I love you so much,” I whispered in his year. We sat there, watching the snow fall, enveloped in each others arms.
“How old were we that night?” Michael asked after a while of just sitting there.
“I was still 13, you were 14,” I said. I remembered every last detail about that night.
“How old are we now?” I think I knew where he was going with this.
“You’re 16, and I’m 15,” I told him.
“If I remember correctly that night I said, “Maybe this could work in a year” and I know I was far from passing Math but I’m pretty sure that that was 2 years ago,” he smirked. “So whatcha think?” I answered by taking his face in my hands and kissing him, gently this time.
“Maybe we should go inside,” he giggled like the idiot he was. He lead be my the hand inside. I laid in bed with Mikey’s arms around me and our legs intertwined. I didn’t need my penguin that night.
I was nearly asleep when Michael said, “Will you be my boyfriend, Lucas Hemmings?”
And of course I said yes