Chapter Text
“Alright nation, the day is almost upon us. As many of you already know tomorrow we will be holding the much anticipated Great British Host Off,” Louis says on air.
“Niall, do your announcer voice,” Harry says.
Niall clears his throat, “The Great British Host Off. A battle for Britain’s most coveted title of Best Host between our very own Louis Tomlinson, Capital FM’s Breakfast Show Dj, and BBC Radio 1’s Night Time Show Dj, Nick Grimshaw.”
“Wow, quite an introduction, Niall,” Louis says.
“Perfect, Niall. I’ve clipped that up and we’ll use it as the introduction for the segment tomorrow,” Liam says.
“Should be a good show,” Zayn puts in.
The whole team has been working hard to promote the special segment of the Breakfast Show for the last two weeks, announcing the feature on the radio as well as tweeting reminders. They used the time in between to organize the event, needing the two weeks to properly set everything up.
Zayn and Liam had pitched the idea to the bosses upstairs when Louis first announced his intention to hold the host off. They needed the executive producers to be on board with the idea before they could go ahead with their plan. Louis had been present as well but served a mostly decorative purpose, Zayn and Liam presenting all of the important points. Having gotten the green light from the big bosses upstairs, Liam officially contacted Nick’s team with the offer to participate in a host off. The feature would be a collaboration between the two radio stations with their respective production teams working together on the details of the feature. Nick’s team had quickly responded with a yes.
The planning was accomplished through emails between Liam and one of Nick’s producers, Matt. Each show’s production team came up with a couple of ideas for radio games that Nick and Louis could compete in. Voting on the game ideas, they were able to collectively narrow it down to three games: Guess That Artist, Real or No Real, and Two Truths and a Lie.
Next they had hammered out the logistics of actually holding the event. BBC Radio 1 had agreed to let the host off be broadcast at Capital FM’s studios as long as BBC Radio 1 was mentioned along with the details of Nick’s Night Time Show.
In order to decide who won, they would have listeners vote. The voting would start the day of the show and close at midnight on the same day with listeners only allowed to vote once. Both radio stations made sure the audience knew where and when to vote; each website had a link to the voting page. Both teams had also tweeted the link from their personal twitters.
Essentially Louis and Nick would be co-hosting Capital FM’s Breakfast Show. Louis wasn’t exactly thrilled about it but it would have to do; anything to prove Louis was better than Nick.
“Yes and be sure to vote. We’ve sent out another tweet with the link to the voting website,” Liam says.
“Yes be sure to vote for me. Very important,” Louis says.
“You vote for whoever you think is the better host,” Zayn says, slow and methodical as if explaining to a small child.
“Yeah, me,” Louis says. “All of you better be voting for me as well.” He gives each of the boys a warning look.
“We can’t vote,” Harry says. “It wouldn’t be, like, impartial. It’s a, what do you call it, conflicting interest.”
“Conflict of interest,” Louis says. “And yes, it is a conflict of interest because if you don’t vote for me and I lose you’re all fired.”
“You can’t do that! He can’t do that, can he Liam?” Niall asks, anxious despite his protestations.
“No, he can’t do that,” Liam sighs. “Louis stop threatening to fire us. You know you can’t do that. We’ve been over this already.”
“Humph, well I don’t see why not, you’re my producers. But, no you won’t be fired,” Louis says, seeing Liam about to go into lecture mode. “Either way, I hope all you fine listeners will vote for me tomorrow when you tune in from 9 to 12. Mr. Grimshaw will be joining me for a gruelling 3 hours of challenges increasing in difficulty and danger that may result in injury or death.”
“No it won’t,” Harry says. “They’re only trivia type games, no physical effort required.”
“Harry, why must you always ruin my fun,” Louis says. “I’m just trying to liven up the show, give it a bit of spice, get the people pumped. Speaking of which, if I win tomorrow I have promised the faithful listeners that I will tweet a compromising picture of dear Harold here.”
“Louis, you can’t bribe the voters. That’s cheating,” Liam says.
“What? No, it’s not. I’m just giving the people what they want.”
“Yeah so they’ll vote for you,” Liam explains. “Otherwise known as cheating.”
“Not much of a bribe,” Niall says. “Who hasn’t seen Harry in a compromising position.”
“Heyyy,” Harry says, objecting to the slandering of his modesty.
“I’m just saying, as a straight man, you’ve made me very familiar with another man’s naked body.”
“It’s not like you don’t have the same equipment.”
“Just saying, if you were going to bribe the people of Great Britain you should have promised a pic of Liam or Zayn.”
“Ah ickle Niall is jealous,” Louis coos. “Well bend over then, Niall. Let’s get a pic of your bum to tweet.”
“Boys... Louis you’re not going to tweet any kind of picture of any of us in a state of undress,” Liam admonishes.
Louis looks at Zayn to see if he can override Liam’s veto but Zayn gives a tiny shake of his head.
“Fine. Sorry ladies and gentlemen but you heard limp noodle Liam. He says its a no go. Please listen in and vote for me tomorrow but only if you think I’m the better host,” Louis says, sounding much too serene about having his prank foiled.
Not even a full minute later, “Louis!” liam exclaims, looking down at his phone with alarm. “I can’t believe you sent out a tweet saying you’d still post the pic.”
“What? No, I didn’t,” Louis denies, too quick to be anything but a lie.
“I get your tweets sent directly to my phone, I can see the tweet. Pay no attention to limp noodle @Real_Liam_Payne I’ll still post the pic of Harry if I win,” Liam recites, glaring at Louis.
“Alright, alright. No pics,” Louis says, throwing a handful of paperclips at Liam. “Spoilsport. Followers please show Liam how angry you are with him by spamming his twitter with pictures of spoons.”
A few seconds later, “Niall!” Liam screeches. “What are you doing? Stop sending me tweets of spoons!” Niall just shrugs, unrepentant.
“Atta, boy, Nialler,” Louis says.
“I’m quite looking forward to tomorrow,” Harry says, changing the subject.
“Are you Harry?” Zayn says, as in the background the sound of a high five can be heard.
“Yeah it’ll be cool to meet Nick in person after listening to him on the radio for so long.”
“You know,” Louis says, regarding harry from Head to foot. “Maybe I’ve been going about this the wrong way. Harry, how would you rate your ability to flirt. Strong, would you say?”
“No, nope, not happening. No to whatever it is you’re thinking,” Liam says, shutting Louis down right away.
“What?” Louis asks, feigning ignorance. “Harry’s a friendly lad. What a better way to ease the tension between our two radio shows than for them to form a friendship. And if Grimshaw happens to be distracted by Harry well no loss there.”
“Stop trying to cheat,” Liam says.
“It’s not cheating it’s called strategy,” Louis insists.
“Ok, Mr. It’s Not Called Cheating It’s called Strategy can we get on with the show now.”
“For everyone listening in, Louis just stuck his tongue out at Liam,” Niall says.
“Tattletale,” Louis hisses. Zayn lifts one perfectly sculpted eyebrow at him. “Next up we have Calvin Harris’ Summer. Great tune. You’re listening to it here, on Capital FM Radio.”
~*~
The next morning Louis wakes up a half an hour earlier than usual. He dresses with care, taking extra time to style his hair just so. “Face made for radio,” Louis mutters to himself. He’ll show Nick who’s got a face made for radio.
In the studio, Louis proceeds to drink 3 cups of coffee in the couple of hours before Nick is scheduled to arrive. Finally Nick does arrive, showing up during Niall’s sports segment. with his production team in tow. Louis goes out to meet them where Liam and Harry are showing them around the office.
“Grimshaw,” Louis greets Nick with a curt nod in the other man’s direction.
“Tomlinson,” Nick replies, a curious twitch to his eyebrows.
“Ready to battle?”
Nick starts laughing. “Sorry, sorry. I know this is suppose to be super serious, duel to the death for you have besmirched my honor serious but you can’t actually be serious?”
“I’ve never been more serious in my life.”
“You’re feisty, I’ll give you that. Sort of like a punk rock tinkerbell.” Nick says, giving Louis a once over.
“Ha, more like Peter Pan. And you,” Louis says, assessing Nick with disdain. “You can be Captain Hook.”
“I’ve always thought his hook was rather dashing.” Nick smiles, undaunted by having been cast the villain. “This is the rest of my pirate’s crew. Matt, Ian and Fiona.”
Liam gives Louis a little shove in the back when Louis just stands there, glaring. “Right. Seems you’ve already met Liam and Harry,” he says gesturing to his left. Sweeping his arm to his right, he says, “This is Niall and Zayn, the other two producers of my show.”
Zayn and Niall chorus their hellos.
“Let me show you guys where we’ll be broadcasting the show from,” Liam says, leading the way to the studio where he motions to the extra chairs they’ve brought in for Nick’s team. With both teams present there aren’t enough mics for everyone to be audible so they had decided that only Liam and Matt would be mic’d along with Louis and Nick. Everyone else would be present in the studio room but seated off to the side, away from any equipment.
Arranging themselves at the desk, Nick and Matt on one side, Louis and Liam on the other, the four of them sit down to start the show.
“So, Louis,” Liam says, “when we’re back on air, you’ll introduce our guests and then we’ll do a coin toss to see who goes first and take it from there. Sound good?”
Everyone nods and Matt says, “You’re back on in 5, 4, 3,” then he mouths 2, 1.
“Welcome back everybody. With me right now are our very special guests Nick Grimshaw and his producer Matt Fincham.” Nick and Matt say hello into their mics. “I hope you’re ready for the greatest host off of your life, Grimshaw.”
“Can’t wait, Tomlinson.” Nick smirks. “Although can I just say for the record, I was dead wrong.”
“Dead wrong about what,” Louis says, weary and suspicious of where Nick is going with this.
“You haven’t got a face made for radio. You could easily have a show on the telly,” Nick says. “Could play the best friend or summat.”
“Funny that, I was thinking the same thing. Maybe we could appear on the same show. You could audition to play my dad,” Louis says. “You’re what, 35, 40?”
“29 actually, love,” Nick says, tight smile screwed onto his face. “That’s probably the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me. Feel like I need to moisturize immediately.” Nick touches his face questioningly, pulling at the skin around his eyes and jaw.
“Unless your moisturizer can make you 21 again, I don’t think it’s going to be much help,” Louis snipes.
“Matty, make the bad man stop saying mean things! I’m being bullied, I am. Your a bully,” Nick whines, pouting at Matt.
“Nope, you asked for that,” Matt replies without an ounce of sympathy. “Now quit whining, this is a competition.”
Liam flips the coin and unfortunately for Louis it lands on heads meaning he has to go first.
“Louis, you’re up first. Why don’t you tell the good people the name of the game and how to play,” Liam says.
“This next game is called Two Truths and a Lie. Pretty simple really. Each of us will tell the other two true facts about ourselves and one lie. Then the other has to guess, out of the three facts, which is the lie. And we write the lie on a sheet of paper so neither of us,” Louis says, side-eyeing Nick, “can change our minds so the other loses.”
“Of course, wouldn’t dream of it.”
“Uh huh,” Louis says. He trusts Nick as much as he trusts Niall not to have eaten the last slice of pizza on movie night, which is to say: not at all. “Here we go then. Two truths and a lie: I played Danny Zuko in my school’s production of Grease, I have 6 sisters, and I know how to surf.”
“Oh those are so boring.”
“Excuse me.” Louis says, looking as if steam is about to come out of his ears like a human tea kettle.
“Boring. You need to choose three facts that are really outrageous to fool your opponent. Yours are too ordinary, way to easy to guess.”
“Oh, is that so? Well if they’re that easy, which was the lie?”
“Pfft, piece of cake. You have five sisters, not six. You have six siblings altogether but only five sisters,” Nick says, well pleased with himself.
“Are you reading off your phone or something?” Louis asks, holding up the folded piece of paper with the answer: I have 6 sisters. “That’s cheating. Liam, he’s cheating.”
“What, no I’m not! You’re just bad at this.”
“Fine. It’s your turn. Let’s see you do better if you’re such an expert.”
“Nation, watch how it’s done. Or listen, I guess. This is how you play two truths and a lie.” Nick clears his throat, more for show than anything else. “I was once kicked out of Paris Hilton’s house, Lindsay Lohan puked all over my boots one night out, and I hate tea and coffee.”
“None of those sound true,” Louis says, frustrated.
“‘s the point, isn’t it,” Nick says. “Come on, let’s have a guess then.”
“Ugh. Well obviously the not liking tea or coffee is true because only uncivilized heathens don’t like tea,” Louis says, receiving a warning glance from Liam.
“It reminds me of teacher’s breath when I would get told off at school. Not pleasant memories, their milky tea breath in my face,” Nick explains.
“I’m sure you deserved it. You were probably a rotten child.”
“Oh like you were a perfectly well behaved child. Doubt it. You look like you were a handful from the get go.”
“Lou was a menace,” Liam says. “He was always getting sent home for pranks.”
“Liam, what are you doing giving away state secrets?”
“Ha, knew it. So what’s it going to be?”
“I can’t believe either the Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan story happened so I’m just going to guess that you were never thrown out of Paris Hilton’s house.”
“Wrong,” Nick says, unfolding the piece of paper with ‘Lindsay Lohan threw up on my boots’ on it.
“Unbelieveable. What were you even doing at her house? Besides getting thrown out?”
“Well, see I was there with some mates. I was visiting America at the time and one of my mates knew her and invited me along. And I happened to make one tiny, itsy, bitsy comment about her jail sentence and she got upset. How was I to know she was sensitive about it.”
“Unbelievable,” Louis says again.
“Well, you win this round Grimmy. We’re going to play some music and when we come back the Great British Host Off will continue,” Liam says.
“That went well,” Matt says.
“Yeah I thought you two did great,” Liam says.
Louis says nothing, just sits and glares at Nick, who looks back pleased as punch.
“Oh come on, love. We’re just having a friendly game, nothing to get upset about.”
“Whatever.”
“And we’re back. For those of you only now tuning in, I, Nick Grimshaw, am battling it out with resident Breakfast Show host Louis Tomlinson. And so far I’m winning,” Nick says, as the last song they played fades out.
“Just wait, Grimshaw.”
“For you, darling, always.”
“Bleh. Get on with the introducing next game, would you?”
“So next we’re going to play Real or No Real: Celebrity Edition. Liam and Matt will be quizzing us on our celebrity gossip and we have to decide if the news is real or not real. Up to date on your celebrity gossip, Tomlinson.”
“Reckon I know a fair bit.”
“Great. Let’s get started. Matt, if you would read the first headline, please.”
“Real or No real: Kim Kardashian has a new book coming out called Selfish and it’s filled with 352 pages of selfies.”
“Def real,” Nick says. “I follow her on instagram, she’s got a ton of selfies. All selfies in fact.”
“Yeah, sounds real,” Louis agrees.
“Real. Kim Kardashian is indeed releasing a new book called Selfish filled entirely with selfies,” Matt says, playing the ding, ding sound for a right answer.
“Real or no real: Jay Z and Beyonce were caught backstage in a very compromising position,” Liam says.
“Oooh, sounds like one of your dreams Liam,” Louis says. Liam glares at him.
“Well, Beyonce is one heck of a woman,” Nick comments.
“She is, but she wasn’t in it.”
“Oooh, that’s the kind of dream I like. Liam, do tell.”
“It wasn’t like that at all. We were at some like party and he asked me to produce one of his songs,” Liam says, flushed bright, bright red.
“No need to be embarrassed Li-li. Matt’s had dreams about Chris Martin before,” Nick says, shielding his mouth from Matt’s view, whispering to Liam.
“We can all hear you. You’re mic’ed, you know. And also that’s a blatant lie,” Matt says.
“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with Chris Martin,” Louis says.
“That’s what I said. See Matt, even Louis agrees. Nothing a straight, heterosexual male should be ashamed of,” Nick says.
“Niall had a wet dream about Justin Timberlake once.”
Loud banging is heard from outside the studio where Niall is rapping on the two way mirror. He had gone to get a snack and there’s a piece of lettuce dangling from his mouth from his half chewed sandwich bite. Everyone in the studio laughs; Niall isn’t allowed inside the studio with food.
“I say no real,” Nick says, returning their attention to the game. “Jay-z and Beyonce are way too classy to get caught.”
“Yeah but have you heard Partition. I mean if that song is true then what’s the difference between a limo and their dressing room. I say real.”
“No real: Rumors of a divorce are circling the couple as sources are saying they seem distant,” Liam says.
Matt and Liam go through a couple more celebrity news items. Surprisingly, Louis wins the game with his extensive knowledge of Justin Bieber’s recent instagram pics featuring Kendall Jenner.
“What? Niall loves Justin Bieber, ok. He keeps me up to date on all things Bieber,” Louis says defensively when he answers the question correctly.
“Moving on, Liam and I picked out 5 songs each from our respective stations playlist and we’re going to let the computer pick one at random. It’ll play 15 seconds clip of it and you must guess the artist. Understand?” Matt asks. “Alright. Here goes.”
Nick goes first this time, listens and guesses all five artists correctly. Louis fares worse, only managing two out of his five right. Louis fumes.
“That’s not fair. I’ve never even heard of London Grammar!” Louis protests.
“What? Never heard of London Grammar. Mate, you’ve been living under a rock.”
“Says you. I can’t believe you got all of yours right,” Louis says, having a full on strop about it. “How do you even know who Rita Ora is? I thought you only played hipster indie music on your show.”
“Mostly. Doesn’t mean I don’t listen to anything else on my free time. Absolutely love Rita Ora.”
Liam taps his watch, signaling to Louis that they’re out of time.
“Well, that’s it listeners. Thanks to our guests for joining us for this special segment of the Breakfast Show, The Great British Host Off. Don’t forget to vote. Remember voting closes at midnight tonight and we’ll be announcing the results tomorrow on the show,” Louis says signing off.
They all go out for drinks after the show. Well they say they’re going out for lunch since it’s only 12:30 in the afternoon but everyone orders a drink and Niall’s had 2 pints by the time the appetizers come. Louis’ sat between Zayn on his left and Harry on his right who is chattering away happily to Nick. Across from him Matt and Niall seem to be discussing something excitedly although knowing Niall they’re probably just talking about what they ordered for lunch. Fiona, Ian and Liam are likewise engaged in animated conversation.
“I’d like to say thanks to Capital FM for having us,” Matt says, raising his beer to get everyone’s attention. “It was a lot of fun to work on this project with you all.”
“Happy to have you. Thanks so much for agreeing to collaborate with us. And a special thanks to our hosts,” Liam says, nodding to Louis and Nick in turn. “Who managed to go an entire 3 hours without killing each other.”
“Well I won’t say it was easy,” Nick says.
“Understatement,” Louis adds.
“But I had fun. What do you say, Tomlinson,” Nick asks, leaning forward to see Louis on the other side of Harry. “Want to let bygones be bygones?”
Harry kicks him under the table when Louis has let the silence go on too long. “Yeah, alright. Bygones,” Louis agrees.
Lunch arrives then and everyone digs into their food. The host off had been surprisingly fun, less of a competition and more of a game. Louis had expected them to be snippy at each other, trading underhanded insults, but even though they had traded a couple jabs it was more like banter than actual fighting.
Nick didn’t seem to take any of Louis’ disparaging remarks too seriously and any insults he threw at Louis were said with that infuriating curious tilt of the eyebrow, light and easy tone that told Louis Nick didn’t mean any of it. Louis didn’t know what to make of it.
After lunch their numbers were cut in half, people having dinner plans to get to and Matt and Ian having to leave to prepare for the Night Time Show. Louis had been planning to take off as well but Harry convinced him to stay. Niall needed no convincing, now on his fourth pint and counting.
They moved to a smaller table by the bar since it was only the five of them now. Louis, finished with his drink, offers to order another round. On his way back from the bathroom Nick spots him at the bar and makes his way over.
“What are you drinking?”
“Heineken,” Louis says, elbows resting on the bar.
“Beer, bleh. Prefer wine meself.”
“You would,” Louis says. Nick’s reflection is visible in the mirror behind the bar and Louis can see Nick’s quizzical frown at Louis’ words.
“What’s that suppose to mean?”
“You’re posh. You’re the type to shop at Waitrose even if the Tesco is closer. You do it with your voice, too. You sound way much more northern off air.”
“I’ve been told that before, actually,” Nick says. Louis watches as he runs his index finger along the grain of the wood of the bar top. “What would you say to getting drinks with me, sometime? I promise to take you to the cheapest, seediest pub I can find. Not a clean glass in the place.”
“What, like, a date?” Louis asks, turning to look at Nick instead of his reflection.
“If you like?”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah, I like you Tomlinson. You’ve got spunk,” Nick says, tapping Louis on the arm. “And you’re easy on the eyes. So what do you say?”
“I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this but yeah, ok, I’ll go on a date with you.”
“Perfect. We kind of have opposite schedules but does Saturday work for you?”
“Sure.”
Nick helps Louis carry the drinks back to the table where the rest of their group is waiting. They finish their round of drinks and then Nick and Fiona have to get going to join Matt and Ian at the studio. When Fiona and Nick leave, Louis has Nick’s number saved in his phone.
~*~
The next morning, Louis comes into the studio to find all four of his producers with shifty, sketchy looks on their faces.
“What’s going on? Why do you all look as if someone has kicked your puppy?” Louis asks.
“Louis, now before I say anything I want you to keep in mind that the Great British Host Off was an amazing success,” Liam says, hands held out in a placating gesture.
“And you’ll always be a winner in our eyes,” Niall says.
“Niall,” they all groan.
“Somebody please tell me what’s going on,” Louis says, “you’re all acting like weirdos.”
“The results came in,” Harry says, “We know who won the Host Off.”
“It was a tie,” Zayn says.
“Technically neither of us won if it was a tie,” Louis says, sitting in his chair and adjusting his mic.
“So... you’re not mad,” Liam asks..
“No.”
“Wait. You mean to tell us you’re not even a little bit upset about not winning,” Niall asks.
“No, should I be?”
“Well considering the fact that you threatened to fire us,” Harry says.
“You also threatened to disown us as your friends,” Liam says.
“Remember when he threatened to demote us if he couldn’t fire us,” Niall says.
“Oh, yeah and don’t forget he told us he would publicly shame us on air if he didn’t win,” Zayn says.
“Alright, alright you’ve made your point. Yes, I might have been a little harsh in my desire to win the host off but that’s all in the past.”
Hand on his mic switch, Louis says, “And I’m doing on a date with Nick on Saturday.” Then, before any of them can respond, he flips his mic on.
“Morning Nation, how are all my lovely listeners doing today?”