Chapter Text
“Sorry, man, I know this hurts” Jack said as he tended to Sawyer’s wound and he flinched slightly in his sleep.
“Michael told me you pulled the bullet out with your bare hands. You have to show me how to do that sometime.” he added playfully, smiling as if he were making conversation with the unconscious men.
Tending to his wounds was strangely therapeutic. Jack's hands moved around carefully, in this well rehearsed dance that reminded him of before. Before… it had been a while since he had thought tenderly of his life before the crash. After all, there wasn't much tenderness to it. 12 hour work days. One or two friends who lately did nothing but worry about him.
And here, despite the apocalyptic circumstances, he had…
Sawyer mumbled something inaudible.
"What? I didn’t-" Jack said, suddenly ripped from his reverie.
“Where is she?” he whispered, his eyes still closed.
Jack’s heart dropped. Here he had… well, nothing.
“You mean Kate?” his face was now dark. He shook it off and, in an attempt recovered some of the playful spirit he had managed to engage in just seconds ago, replied “She’s been watching over you for the past 24 hours straight. Only way I could get rid of her was to send her out to get some food for you.”
Jack had barely managed to reenact something like a ghost of a smile when Sawyer cut him, mumbling with his eyes still closed.
“Love her … I love her”
Jack stared at him, eyes dark and starting to water, as the words sank in. Falling back to the chair besides the bed, he stared intently at the unconscious man. It was not anger or jealousy that he felt, only the stinging sensation that had followed him since he first got to know her and of which he had become painfully aware yesterday. Pain pays the income of each precious thing.
He could not decide what hurt more: that Sawyer had been able to formulate this unnameable fear - even if in delirious fever - before he himself had gathered the courage to, or that he was only too aware of Kate’s own affection towards the injured man.
---
When Kate told him to go down to the beach for the funeral, Jack knew she was right. He was almost ashamed of having insisted on staying, but he was also painfully aware of the fact that she was not insisting for him to go - however right she might be on the reasons why he should -, but for her to stay. With him .
As he head back to the hatch after the funeral, all he could think of was Sawyer’s words and the way they had stung him. If he had been looking for a confirmation, there it was. Jack could no longer deny that there was something more to the way he himself felt about Kate, even if he was yet too hesitant or afraid to name it. How could he not be? When her green eyes screamed danger, mistrust and mystery. How could he allow himself to bury himself in them? And yet he had dived and was now struggling for breath, for it was now clear nothing but heartbreak would come from it.
Jack's muscles tensed suddenly as he entered the hatch and heard the loud and insisting sound of the alarm. Kate , he thought desperately, as he screamed for her, worry filling his heart.
He was all the more confused as he reached the bedroom and saw Sawyer lying on the ground. Something bad had happened. His mind flew straight to worse case scenarios, imagining that she had been took somehow, that they had her… or even-
Jack stopped himself, this wasn't leading him anywhere. So he bolted to the beach, hoping to find answers.
---
A horse? On the patch to the caves, looking for a horse? What the hell had happened? After talking to Charlie, Jack's worry turned into confusion and anger. She couldn't just run like that. He was getting tired of her recklessness, her arrogance, her-
"Kate, what the hell are you doing out here?" he said as he saw her, not making an effort to hide the annoyance in his voice.
"What happened in the hatch, Kate? Why'd you leave? I come back, I find Sawyer just lying on the ground. You just took off."
"Is he ok?" She cuts him, which makes Jack lose the little patience he still had.
"Yes, Kate, he's fine." He snaps, disbelief and anger in his voice.
"I’m sorry." She says and gets up to leave, turning her back on him. Oh no, he won't have it.
"Are you?" His words are meant to hurt. Jack regrets it as soon as he sees he has succeeded. Kate turns to face him slowly, a pained expression on her face, that soon turns into anger, mirroring his own previous rage.
"Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I am not as perfect as you! I’m sorry that I’m not as good!" She snaps, as she approaches him, now so close he can smell the mud and the sweat that cover her.
"What’s going on with you?" He raises his hands in a defensive gesture, confusion blurring his thoughts. Where was all of this coming from?
She starts walking away, but he grabs her by the arm and pulls her close, even as she fights him. Beyond the rage, Jack had seen pain and shock in her eyes and he needed to let her know he was there. He had to show her he was no longer angry, he was just there. However thick the walls she had built around her, he had to show her she had a friend in him. No matter what.
"No, don’t walk away from me. Kate! Kate, Kate, Kate. It’s okay. Hey, Kate."
"This place, this place is crazy" she sobbed, giving in to his embrace. "I can't, it’s driving me nuts."
"I know, it's ok" Jack held her shoulders in a comforting, manner as he stared into her eyes. "It's all right. It's all right. All right?" He repeated the empty reassurements as a mantra, hoping he was able to show her, with the softness of his voice, the deepness of his eyes, that he meant it. He needed her to know that, even if he couldn't make any promises, he would do his best; that, if it were up to him, he would spare her from this misery and get her off this island that same day, whatever it took.
Kate nodded slightly and that was when he felt it. She knew. Her bright green eyes had no longer the expression of fear and confusion of just seconds ago: all he saw in them was relief, trust. She knew. She understood.
When Kate moved her hands up to his cheeks, Jack barely had the time to process what was happening. All he felt was her closeness and the need to shorten the gap between them, as she closed it with a kiss. A desperate one, that smelled like sweat, mud and blood. He kissed back, forgetting everything but the sensation of her fingers wrapped around his hair, her body pressing closer and closer to him, her tongue darting out to search his.
If pain pays the income of each precious thing, how much more suffering would he have to endure to make up for the sensation of pure bliss he had allowed himself to feel for as long as the kiss went on?
The answer came right away. To watch her run and be able to do nothing about it. To stare into her eyes and see nothing but confusion and regret, not even a slight shadow of the tenderness that had been there before.
---
I'm not calling you a liar
Just don't lie to me
I'm not calling you a thief
Just don't steal from me
I'm not calling you a ghost
Just stop haunting me
I love you so much
I'm gonna let you
Kill me
There's a ghost in my lungs and it sighs in my sleep
Wraps itself around my tongue at it softly speaks
Then it walks, then it walks with my legs
To fall, to fall, to fall, to fall