Chapter Text
His weak legs wandered across the platform, following his mildly hazed mind where ever it ordered him to go. He tensed his body as he squeezed through small gaps between the crowd, there weren’t many people, but the size of the small platform created a dense area. His gaze skipped through the faces of the crowd even though most of them were darting their eyes at his, secretly hoping that none would recognize him. At this point, he wasn’t sure if the pungent of smell emitting from his body combined with the worn-out clothing he was wearing or the fact that he’s the wanted Captain America that was attracting their stare. Whispers and chatters muffled as he gathered his remaining mental energy to focus on finding the signboard that should display the station’s name.
Rosersberg Station
Steve raised an eyebrow at the sign, okay, he thought, grateful that at least he now knows the name of the place he was in, despite not knowing exactly where. He briefly groaned when he was reminded of the lady that drove him to the station, giving him silent treatment throughout the entire drive journey, even when he asked for the station’s name she was sending him to.
People around him still whispering, some subtly distanced themselves from him. At this point, he was only surprised and thankful that the securities haven’t marched their way through the crowd and detain him.
He continued strolling around, his vision swift in and out of focus as his tired gaze searched for the help service desk. Lucky enough, he spotted a lady in her work uniform behind a desk, pressing buttons on a keyboard as her attention switched continuously between the monitor screen and her fingers.
Steve stumbled onto the seat in front of the service helper as his shivering legs gave out on him, holding onto the edge of the counter for support. He swallowed a lump even though his mouth was almost completely drained of saliva, he was severely dehydrated. Ruffling his fingers through his long brown hair, he finally settled himself down to look at the service helper’s eyes, who was already widened in shock.
Please don’t recognize me was all he could repeat in the midst of his foggy mind. He knew coming close to someone whose work position involved wide network connection would be risky.
“Sir, is there anything I can help you with?” her expression gradually transformed from surprised to disgust as she perceived the dirt stains on his worn-out shirt.
“Um,” he cleared his throat before continuing, “h-how do I get to Budapest?”
“Budapest in Hungary?”
Steve nodded.
“Give me two minutes as I look for the cheapest way of travel for you.” She turned slightly to the monitor screen and began typing.
“I’d prefer the fastest way, please.”
“The fastest way is not going to be cheap, sir.”
Of course, with what he had to be able to travel to another country?
“Just, let me know.” He paused, his tone void of hope, “please.”
“Okay, here’s what I’ll suggest. Firstly, to get to Budapest, you need to start your journey from Stockholm. It is about 45 minutes train ride from here. There’s no direct line to Budapest, so from Stockholm, you get to…”
“Wait, sorry, miss, would you kindly write it down for me?” Steve felt the world beginning to spin, he knew he was running low on everything – nutrients of all sorts, mental and physical energy.
“Sure.” She grabbed a pen and tore a paper out from a notebook, proceeding with her description as she scribbled information on the paper. “as I was saying, from Stockholm, you buy a ticket to Budapest. Take an approximately 5-hour train to get to Koebenhavn H station in Copenhagen, Denmark. Transit to the line from Koebenhavn H to Budapest-Nyugati, I’ve written down the two stops in between them, so you are aware.”
“How long is the whole journey?”
“A minimum of 24 hours, it depends because some of these train lines don’t run frequently in a day.”
“Okay… okay…” he nodded, “that’s… that’s the fastest journey, right?”
“Yes, sir. But I need to know if you can afford it.” From the looks of his messy hair, the sweaty odor he radiated and the state of his apparels, she almost suspected that he was just another beggar on the streets.
Steve shoved his hand into his pocket, paper crumpling sounds radiated in his firm desperate grip. He brought the paper notes out, rushing as his hand moved between his pocket and the countertop repeatedly until he made sure his pocket was empty. His breath stuttered as he was suddenly nervous.
“Is… Is… Is this enough?” his gaze pleaded as he watched the service helper flattened the notes while counting them. “I think I have some coins too in my back pocket.”
“This is enough, but only for the trip from here to Stockholm I’m afraid, sir.”
He paused for a few seconds, “t-then get me there. Get me a ticket, please.”
She pressed her lips, her eyebrows slightly crossed as she grew concern for Steve, “What do you plan to do when you get there, sir?”
“Don’t worry about it,” he scratched his head, “I’ll see when I get there.”
___
Almost stumbling as his feet hopped off the last step of the train’s stairs, his attention went to the size of the station. Structurally big and beautiful, filled with restaurants and people going about their own business. His eyes looked for potential danger in his surroundings as he became more alert - definitely grateful for the brief nap he managed to snatch from the 45 minutes train ride.
Lost.
Lost at where he was, in the middle of the flowing crowd. His feet making hesitating nudges before every step he took as he looked around in this unfamiliar place.
Lost at what he should do next. With just a few coins left pondering in his pocket, he was stuck, unsure of what he could do.
The smell of various kinds of food blended with one another, but yet remained distinguishable. They lingered in the air around him, prompting him to pay attention to his growling stomach. Colorful logos of fast-food restaurants and cafes stood out in front of him. He watched people of every age and gender sipped into their drinks, some widening their mouths to tear off large pieces of burger or sandwiches and chewing them down. His dry mouth would’ve been flooded with saliva if he wasn’t dehydrated.
He rushed to the nearest public toilet, hoping to escape to a place that doesn’t remind him of food as he tried to forge out plans to get to Budapest.
Cupping his hands to collect water running out from the tap, he brought them to his mouth, gulping down every drop of the liquid to quench his thirst. He repeated it until he felt satisfied and turned the tap off. Only then he lifted his head up to face himself in the mirror.
Red veins stretched from the corner of his eyes towards the center like lightning. The bags underneath them were heavy, and the minor outbreaks on his cheeks and forehead seemed pretty visible. His new grown beard was the only thing he found pretty impressive as a new look.
Steve pressed his palms against the edge of the sink a minute or two before the cubicle door behind him unlocked and swung open. He briefly watched the man stepped out from the cubicle and disappeared from the mirror’s reflection as he then appeared on his peripheral view.
“You okay?” the man’s unexpected concern captured Steve’s glance for a split second.
“Uhh, y-yeah.”
Steve looked down as the man turned to face him while washing his hands. He still remembered that he was a wanted man and should avoid being recognized even though he needs help at that moment.
“Wait,”
Steve’s heart suddenly beat faster before he realized what could be potentially happening.
“Are you…” he paused for a moment, “... Captain America?”
He cleared his throat, trying to deepen his voice, “no.”
“Oh god, you are!”
“I’m not.”
“Sir,” he exhaled a minor laugh, “w-what are you-? how? but I thought you-“
“You got the wrong guy.” His head still remained dropped.
“Sir, I am a huge fan, and anyone who is a fan could recognize you.” He turned the tap off and tapped his hands on his shirt, “don’t worry, sir. I know what situation you’re in, I know they’re looking for you. But I’m not going to expose you, sir, I promise.”
Steve perked his head up at him, raising one eyebrow. “What?”
“Okay, first of all, that beard looks good on you, sir.”
He gazed at the man whose attitude reminded him of his friend — the one he recently lost — Tony Stark.
“Secondly, not that you need to know, though, I’m from America as well.”
Ahh yes, Steve only just took notice of his accent.
“What are you doing here?”
“Are you willing to help me?”
“Define ‘help’.”
“I need to get to Budapest… also, I have no cash.”
“You’re in luck, sir. I’m on my way to Budapest as well.”
“You’re willing to help me out?” Steve didn’t expect the stranger to take his question seriously.
“As I said, sir, I’m a huge fan. And… Captain America needs my help, there’s no better reason to spend more money to help others.”
Steve slightly smiled as he was reminded of his other good friend - Sam. He remained silent as he juggled with the options he had in his hands. Should he take the risk by following a stranger that could possibly expose him or should he remain in this train station and possibly not make it to Budapest?
Risk his own safety, or throw his chance to ever find Natasha.
“You don’t trust me?” his question snapped the confused captain out of his mind.
Trust. Trust is something he learned not to do easily in this modern, grey world. Trust is something ambiguous, and it can be betrayed by anyone no matter how close they are.
And this sort of teaching came from the same woman he risked his life and safety for in the past day. The woman that he was willing to continue risking his own life for, to make sure she was safe.
“I do. Mister…”
“Smoak. Gregory smoak, Greg for short.”
“Mister Greg-“
“Oh, just Greg will do.”
“Greg,” he reached a hand forward for a shake with his, “I’m very thankful.”
“Ahh, don’t go all nice on me. On one condition though…?”
Steve nodded as Greg shook his hand.
“You gon’ tell me about why you’re here and all that? And uhh, tips on how you grow that beard.”
“Sure,” he chuckled, “on the train.”
“Okay, 10 minutes. You can wait outside, or in here if you don’t mind the smell of public toilets.”
“I’ll stay here, I need to avoid people as much as I can.”
“Be right back, sir.”
Greg set foot towards the door, before Steve spoke again, “One more thing, Greg,”
He turned around.
“A burger, please?”
“I knew it! I’ll get two to feed that growling stomach of yours.”
“So, uhh, Cap,”
“Steve.”
Greg turned his gaze at Steve as he shoved his hand luggage into the overhead compartment.
“Safety purposes. Also, I’m not ‘Cap’ anymore.” Steve shifted himself on his seat to get comfortable.
“Right, uhh, Steve,” Greg settled himself onto the seat opposite Steve before placing the tickets and his passport on the table that divided the two, “they’re going to do a check as soon as the train departs.”
“What’s the plan?”
“The best option is for you to hide in the toilet, I’ll tell them you’re a local and so you don’t have a passport.”
“Sounds unconvincing but okay.”
“Fingers crossed, I hope dude’s in a good mood today.”
Steve squinted his eyes as looked out the window. The beaming sun near the horizon shot bright rays of light in all directions, highlighting every object in the scenery with a shade of orange that doesn’t quite blend with them. Train tracks laid on the ground parallel next to theirs, none bore parked trains. Digital signboards flashed orange lights that read “Stockholm”, for the city that housed many that Steve didn’t get any chance to visit.
He watched the scene moved in one direction, then he realized the train had begun its departure. The speaker played its announcement music before a lady-like voice made her speech.
“The dude’s on it now,” Greg propped his head sideways to see the attendant making his checks in the next coach, “I think you should hide now.”
“Signal me when it’s safe to come out.”
“Go.”
Steve immediately make his way to the toilet, sheer panic coursing through his veins again. He’s got lucky with his journey so far, could they be gone the minute the train departed?
“Evening, sir. Can I have your tickets, please?”
“Here’s ours,” Greg handed the attendant the two tickets, trying his best to calm his nerves, “the other guy, my friend, he’s gone to the toilet but don’t worry about him, he’s a local.”
The attendant remained silent, Greg wasn’t sure if he preferred it that way or not. He grabbed the passport, flipping its page and paused when Greg’s ID photo appeared. Then, placing it back down on the table as he moved onto the next coach.
Greg sighed, he waited for the attendant to move several seats away in the next coach before knocking the toilet door.
“Safe now, Steve.”
Steve gradually opened the door to reveal his worried eyes. They headed back to their seat.
The silence shared between them wasn’t long until Greg spoke up again.
“So, remember your promise?”
Steve kept his gaze out the window, absorbing the beauty of the sunset scene.
“There’s nothing much, actually. We escaped to Sweden, hid in an abandoned house in the middle of a forest for days… I got bored, and I decided to go to Budapest.”
“You looked desperate to go Budapest though. It doesn’t look like a need to escape boredom to me.”
“Well,” he purses his lips together, trying to find the right words to say, he wasn’t sure why his brain began to feel stuck. “I’m going to find a friend.”
“Must be an important friend then.”
“I suppose.”
“I’m certain. Why though, may I ask? He or she in trouble too?”
“She. And yes.” Steve didn’t want to reveal who exactly he was looking for, he’d want to keep her as safe as possible, though it was fairly easy to guess who she was.
“It didn’t treat you well huh.”
“What?”
“The forest. I mean, look at the state of your clothes. The only good thing that happened is your beard though.”
“Enough food for them, but not me.”
“Your team?”
Steve nodded before swallowing a few mouthfuls of water down.
“It must’ve been hard then.”
“Hunger was the least problem we had…. I had.”
“I know, I’m not talking about that.”
Greg’s constant vague talking earned a raised eyebrow from Steve.
“The thing you went through with Tony Stark. And now you’re a wanted man.”
“I can live with that.”
Greg decided to let silence take over. He slipped his hands into his jacket pockets and shifted into a comfortable position, getting ready to close his eyes and call it a night.
“Family,” Steve utterance earned a gaze from Greg, “I’ll always protect my family, no matter what.”
He snorted before shutting his eyes.
It was a dreadingly long journey. With two stops in between, it took at least 24 hours to reach Budapest. Steve spent most of the hours awake, though his eyelids were heavy and his mind begged to be switched off for at least several hours. He couldn’t stop thinking, though he was sure he spent most of the time admiring the stars that were pinned to the sky and the sun awakening nature as it rose.
He thought about his friends, his family.
He thought about Natasha, one of his closest family members.
She didn’t know how long she had been sitting in the dark. The only way she could tell whether it was a day or night-time was when rays of light entered through the small gaps through the holes of the torn window curtains. Also, if she decided to open her eyes for a little while.
She could feel droplets rolling down her temples, unsure if it were sweat or blood. Half-opening her heavy eyelids, she could see bloodstains on the tips of her hair, already dried up that her hair became brittle.
The muscles on the back of her neck sore from dangling her head as she sat in that position for too long. With the passing time, she slowly desensitized herself from the throbbing pain of the deep wound in her calf. Her hand still holding the blood-filled cloth on the wound. With time still ticking, she hears her breath stutter as she began to lose touch with life.
She wouldn’t move and lost the will to do so. The mental and physical torment drained her soul and her willingness to live on. Giving up was never in her nature, it wasn’t a Natasha Romanoff thing to do, but the past weeks have been treating her hell, and she was on the verge of giving up and let herself slowly bleed to death.
Natasha Romanoff, the deadliest spy who was always using her special skill sets to defend herself even though she could’ve just ended her life, ended her pain right there, never gave up. But this time, she really needed the pain to go, and she thought, the only way out is to end her life.
End her life in an abandoned house in the middle of nowhere, isolated from the world. End her life where she was alone.
The view of her legs in front of her – the uninjured one straightened and the injured one folded in – blurred out as she gradually shuts her eyes again.
The dark again.
She drew in a deep breath.
Take me.
She held her breath.
Take me somewhere brighter.
She exhaled.
“Natasha” a deep, faint voice echoed in her mind, it was a familiar voice she was longing to hear.
Yes, I hear him. Bring me to him.
“Natasha?” the same voice echoed louder, she was beginning to enjoy this hallucination.
A male figure made light steps towards her. He bent his knees and hunched forward as he approached her. His ocean eyes filled with worry at the sight of a fragile and weak woman in front of him, the woman who he always visualized as a strong woman.
“Nat?” his stuttering voice barely above a whisper.
Kneeling on one knee and with the other close tucked to his chest, he reached to the far right and slightly pulled the curtain aside to allow a little more light in. He wanted- no, he needed to make sure it was her, and although her body was covered in bruises and blood, he needed to make sure that she was alive and safe. This was what he hoped for in the past few weeks, was to get to her and made sure she was still alive.
The sunlight landing on her face revealed blue-red patches on her cheekbones and a swollen red bump under the corner of her dried lips. Over the auburn red forelock hair dangling in front of half her face, he saw a line of dried blood on her temple. His eyebrows furrowed as he switched his gaze onto her body. Her chest rising and falling heavily as she struggled for every breath. Sweat covered her neck and collarbone areas. He moved his gaze lower and swallowed a lump as he witnessed her quivering hand weakly holding onto a blood-dampened cloth on her calf. Her tank top stained in dirt and blood, mostly in darker shades of red as they had dried out over the past day. Possibly not hers as there weren’t any injuries on her abdomen and chest. The blood seeping out from the gaps between her fingers lead to the bottom half of her body. He searched for any more injuries on the folded leg in front of him, a small hole on the inner thigh area of her black pants revealed a minor cut. He couldn’t find any cuts on the other leg that was straightened out next to him, but he knew more bruises were hiding underneath the black pants.
He pressed his palms onto his face, trying to recollect himself before placing a light touch on her delicate and fragile cheek. He was afraid to induce more pain in her.
I can feel him now. His touch. I can smell his presence, oh, I longed for this for so long. This comforting touch.
He gradually moved his fingers towards her jaw, gently lifting her head up. Her eyes remained shut.
“Nat wake up. It’s me, Steve. I’m here.”
Steve. I’ve been waiting for you.
“Come here.” He moved his hands behind her neck to support her head as he brought his free arm around her shoulders, allowing her to rest her head on his chest.
This warm embrace I am feeling around me… this warm embrace… this familiar warm embrace… it is taking my pain away…
He looked down at her leg, her weak grip around the red-stained cloth still maintained on that position.
I see the light, a road of light, and I feel nearly free now. Nearly free from all the pain, the struggle, the hurt. Finally, a ray of light in this world of darkness.
“Nat, please stay strong. Stay strong for me. You’re going to be okay.”
She turned around to the sound of his voice as she was about to take her first step towards where the light led her, Steve Rogers, the man’s presence she craved so dearly over the past days when so many things happened in a short space of time. Steve. She was sure she mumbled his name out aloud. You’re okay.
He lowered his head to meet her eyes, they were still shut. “I’m here, Nat. I’m okay and you’re going to be okay too.”
She turned her head back at the ray of light leading to her freedom from pain. No, I’ve found a brighter light now. She turned back at him, staring into his ocean blue eyes, brunette hair silk backward and a new fine beard covering nearly half of his face. As she walked towards him, white flashed over her vision and suddenly she finds herself back in this dark room again. Only this time, that familiar embrace remained around her and it felt more real. Her heavy eyelids fluttered as they struggled to fully open, her vision a little blurred as her head was slightly spinning. She managed to look up and meet his gaze, slightly frowning in disbelief.
“Steve? You’re really okay.” Natasha blinked slowly, trying to lift her head up so that she could take a better look at him.
“I am, Nat. Don’t worry, you’re going to be okay too.” He almost placed one hand over her head to press her towards him as tightly as possible, but he was too afraid of inflicting any more pain with the injuries covering her entire body.
She closed her eyes and forced a weak smile.
There was a short silence before she spoke, “Steve?”
“Yeah?”
“Being apart from you is not a great idea.” Her voice fainted towards the end of the sentence.
“Being apart from you isn’t a great idea for me too.” Steve knew something had happened, something big, but he’d save that conversation for later.
Natasha softly chuckled before she spoke again, “then how did you cope?”
“I thought of you to fill in the hole. But it wasn’t enough unless I physically see you, that you’re alive and safe. I’m sorry, Nat, I didn’t come earlier.”
“Well, I’m safe now. We’re safe,” Natasha opened her eyes to meet his gaze, “as long as we’re together, we’re safe.”
“Mm,” he placed his lips onto the crown of her head, gently rocking her body in his embrace, “I promise we’ll stay together, no matter what.”
The thing about you is,
You carry this kind of comfort,
That draws me in,
And it’s a lot like mine for you.