Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Lexi figures something bad has happened when Leslie Bennett’s caller ID shows up on their home phone.

She’s always loved Rue’s mom.  She knows she owes a lot to her.  She was always kind and nurturing to Lexi through her childhood in a way that her own mother never really was with her.  She always kept her home open to Lexi, even after her friendship with Rue became a casualty of her addiction.

As far as casualties of Rue’s addiction, though, Leslie Bennett is without a doubt the one who has suffered the most.  It’s been horrible for Lexi and she hasn’t even really been able to be a part of Rue’s life… she can’t even imagine what Mrs. Bennett has had to endure.  She feels terrible for her.

But right now she feels terrible for a whole other reason.  Leslie’s sweet voice tells Lexi (with abnormal calm masking a profoundly exhausted worry and sadness) that Rue has just been admitted to the hospital for a kidney infection.

She knows it’s probably stupid, but she can’t help but think it’s kind of her fault.  She should’ve tried harder to reach out to Rue during the almost full week of school she missed, instead of just sending a few concerned texts and letting herself believe Gia’s excuse that “Rue has the flu” the one time she knocked on their door to ask about her.  She should’ve done more when she was with Rue at school on Monday.  She even should’ve tried harder to get Rue to leave the Halloween party without Jules.  Hell, she should’ve tried harder to get Rue to leave the party with Jules.

She doesn’t know for certain what happened the weekend after the party or the rest of the week that Rue missed, but she does have some guesses.  Lexi is sadly familiar with Rue’s history of issues with depression and anxiety, and it was incredibly obvious how upset she was on Halloween.  She had a damn panic attack, for God’s sake! 

Maybe Jules is in love with Nate, maybe he blackmailed her, Lexi isn’t sure.  But she knows that something is going on between Jules and Nate and Maddy, and whatever it is that happened has had Rue deep in her own head.

Lexi has dealt with Rue’s struggles in the past.  She knows that the stretches of manic purpose and single-minded determination are usually bookended by highly depressive stretches and vice versa.  Based on the manic episode she was privy to at school on Monday, she thinks it’s a pretty safe guess that she didn’t hear from Rue before or after Monday because she was locked in her room the whole time and too depressed to even get up to check her phone.

Her guess is confirmed (though she feels no satisfaction in it) when she talks to Rue’s mom at the hospital.  She’d debated with herself for a while about even going at all, but she remembered how guilty she felt about wimping out on visiting Rue during her coma, and she can’t do that again.  She’d eventually asked Cassie to drive her to the hospital, and she readily agreed.  She drops Lexi off at the front entrance, then goes to run some errands while she waits for Lexi to finish her visit.  Mrs. Bennett had given her the room number on the phone (214), so she heads to the elevator and jabs the button for the second floor.

She’s never had the courage to visit Rue in the hospital before, and she never would have expected that a kidney infection would be the catalyst to cause it.  It’s a… rather positive surprise, to be honest.  Although obviously a hospital stay for a kidney infection is not really very positive, it’s definitely better than the more likely alternative Lexi had long feared would lead to this: another overdose, where the very real danger that Rue might not make it would put Lexi in a position where she wouldn’t be able to stay away.  The way things were going for a while, it seemed inevitable.

Then again, it might still be.  Even with the progress Rue has made, Lexi is all too aware of the fragile tightrope her best friend is walking right now.  Which is a problem, because she doesn’t think Rue has become aware of it yet.  Lexi can feel the dark cloud of the threat of relapse hanging over her head every day, and the worst part is that she can’t do anything but pray Rue finds the strength to keep going down the path she’s on… and that she’ll accept the help of those who want to guide her through it.

Lexi would carry Rue down it all on her own if she didn’t already know that was impossible.  The choice is all Rue’s, and that bitter fact is really the brunt of what’s been killing Lexi lately.

The elevator doors open to reveal the pristine hospital corridor, where Leslie Bennett is talking to a nurse outside of Rue’s room.  She must hear the ding of the elevator’s arrival, because she turns and meets Lexi’s eyes.  She smiles softly, one that doesn’t quite reach her eyes.  She excuses herself from the nurse and meets Lexi halfway down the corridor.

“Hi, Lexi, honey,” she says warmly.  “I’m so glad you’re here.”  She wraps Lexi in a comforting hug.

“Hi, Mrs. Bennett,” Lexi says.  Her voice comes out unexpectedly hoarse.  “Um… is Rue okay?”

Leslie’s smile is pained and clearly exhausted.  “She’s alright,” she says.  “It’s just a minor kidney infection.”  Lexi’s not sure if there’s such a thing as a “minor” kidney infection, but… if Leslie is trying to make her feel better, she’s not inclined to dispel that illusion.  “She’s been in a lot of pain, but she’s okay.”

“Can I… can I go in?”

“Of course, Lexi.  Just, um… she’s asleep right now.  And she probably will be for the rest of the day.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry, honey.  Like I said, it’s been really painful for her, and we can’t exactly give her the same amount of strong pain medication the doctors would typically prescribe in this type of situation… we all thought it would just be best to sedate her for a while until the pain is a bit more manageable.”

“Oh, I see.”  Lexi’s heart aches for Rue.  The world doesn’t seem to want to let the poor girl up onto her feet.

Leslie leads her down the hall to Rue’s room.  She waits just outside and resumes her conversation with the nurse as Lexi slowly approaches Rue’s bed.  Gia is on the couch on the other side of the room, fast asleep as well.

Rue looks terrible.  Her normally-glowing caramel skin is duller than Lexi’s ever seen it, and the skin around her closed eyes is dark and sunken.  Her hair is splayed across the pillow, wild and ratty, like it hasn’t been washed in days.  Her lips – Lexi is definitely not thinking of her treasured memory of their softness – are chapped and pale.  She looks terrible, but there’s still a certain peace and tranquility to her form in sleep.  For the moment, she is temporarily suspended; she is free of all the burdens she carries in wakefulness, free of her addiction and her pain and her struggles. 

She looks terrible, but Lexi’s never loved her more.  Her heart lurches as she thinks about everything she’s gone through in the past few months, and she just wants to crawl into that tiny hospital bed and wrap her arms around Rue’s slight frame.

She doesn’t.  She can’t, for so many reasons, so she doesn’t.

Instead, she quietly moves to the chair right next to the bed, trying not to wake Gia.  She settles into the cushion and sighs softly.

Rue’s hand is just lying there on top of the bedsheet, and Lexi can’t help herself.  She reaches out and slips it between her own, smoothing her thumb over the back of Rue’s hand in gentle strokes.  Rue doesn’t stir.

Lexi spends almost the whole afternoon there, tenderly rubbing Rue’s hand and whispering to her in one-sided conversation.  When Leslie comes in, her eyes flick down to their joined hands.  She doesn’t comment, just smiles a genuine smile at Lexi and sits down next to where Gia is still napping.

Finally, Lexi’s phone buzzes in her pocket and breaks the spell.

Cassie: done with errands, almost back at the hospital

Cassie: meet me at the front

She wants to stay, wants to keep spending time with Rue (even if she is unconscious), but she doesn’t want to push it.  If she’s honest, the truth is that she doesn’t want to be here when Rue wakes.  She doesn’t want to face that music, so she does what she does best and runs away from it.

She gives Rue’s hand a final gentle squeeze and rises quietly from her chair.  She waves a silent goodbye to Rue’s mom, then slips out of the room and back down the hall to the elevator.

Lexi has to wait a few minutes for Cassie to arrive with the car and pull up under the front veranda.  She wordlessly opens the door and climbs into the passenger seat.  The air in the car is charged with… something, Lexi’s not entirely sure what, but it isn’t comfortable.  Cassie is as deep in her own head as Lexi, and once again, she wonders if she should just give in and share with her sister everything that’s been going on with Rue.  She’s aware that talking about it with someone might actually make her feel better about everything, and in turn, it might make Cassie more willing to share what she’s dealing with.

As it turns out, though, she doesn’t need to worry about that last part.  While she’s still trying to make a decision, Cassie breaks the silence.

“Hey, Lex?” she asks.  She is usually so confident and sure of herself, but right now her voice is uncharacteristically timid.  “Um, can I talk to you about something?”

“Yeah, of course, Cass,” Lexi says.  “What is it?”

“Please – please don’t tell anyone, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Promise?”

With each plea for reassurance, Lexi grows more and more uncertain.  It seems like whatever is bothering Cassie is more serious than Lexi first imagined.  She finds herself anxious to know, to help ease her sister’s burden if she can.  She’s worried, but when she answers, her words are strong and sure.

“I promise.”

Cassie starts muttering briefly under her breath, trying to psych herself up.  Her hands tighten their grip on the steering wheel.  “Okay… so, um…”

“Cassie, I’m not going to judge you, I –“

“I’m pregnant.”

Lexi’s mouth drops open.  Of all the things she expected Cassie to drop on her, a pregnancy bomb was absolutely not on the list.  “A-are you sure?” she asks, because she can’t think of anything else to say.

“Yeah, Lex, I peed on like six tests, I’m pretty fucking sure.”

“I’m sorry, I – it’s just – wow.”

“Yeah.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you… are you okay?”

Cassie takes a deep, shaky breath.  “I… don’t know.”

Lexi reaches out a hand, and her sister takes one hand off the wheel to link with hers.  Lexi squeezes gently.  “Do you know what you’re gonna do?” she asks tentatively.

“Well, I can’t keep it, Lex,” says Cassie.  “We both know that.”

“Just because it's the only choice doesn't make it an easy choice,” Lexi says softly.

Cassie sniffs and wipes her eye.  Lexi pretends not to notice. 

“No,” Cassie says.  “No, it doesn’t.”

Cassie gets her abortion the very next day.  They all three of them go together, because as much as they squabble and argue and sometimes resent each other, Lexi loves her family.  She would never wish it on Cassie to have to deal with something like this, and she wants to do everything she can to support her through it.

She tries not to think about how the over-white, sterilized room reminds her of another room in a hospital across the town.  She tries not to think about the girl in that hospital room; whether her infection has somehow gotten worse, whether she’s still in pain, whether she’s reconciled with Jules.

It’s futile, though.  She doesn’t want to dwell on the reason they’re at the clinic, so Lexi lets her thoughts wander, and as always, they inevitably jump straight to Rue.

The abortion goes as smoothly as possible.  The whole Howard family is unnaturally quiet afterwards, in the car and even once they get back home.  There’s a somber mood draped across them like a blanket, weighing down their shoulders.  Lexi goes up to her room and just flops down on her bed, staring listlessly up at the ceiling and shutting her brain down for once.

She doesn’t want to go to school on Monday.  Cassie is staying home, and Suze tells Lexi she can skip too, if she wants.  But it doesn’t take her long to decide to go anyway, because as reluctant as she is to go to school, she’s even less inclined to stay at home with too much time to think.

Lexi throws herself into schoolwork with single-minded determination.  It’s a welcome distraction from everything that’s gone on over the past few weeks, especially now that Jules is back at school.

Rue isn’t.  She’s still recovering from her infection.  Lexi can pinpoint the center of her chest that aches from missing her.

Without Rue there to moderate, her interactions with Jules are – at least on Lexi’s end – strained.  They just don’t have much in common besides Rue, and besides, her opinion of Jules has been steadily declining since before Halloween. 

But Jules seems different.  She seems happier now, more certain of her place in the world and in the school, though there’s still some tension between her and Nate roiling beneath the surface.  Lexi hasn’t seen her in over a week, because she had “the flu” and didn’t come to school, and she wonders what could have possibly happened to her in that time to cause this kind of change.

She can’t bring herself to ask, though.  Mostly because when Rue comes back a few days later, the two seem closer than ever.  She draws the natural conclusion that whatever has led to Jules’ happiness has something to do with Rue, and that makes her too scared to inquire about it.

It doesn’t take long, though – only about a week – before she realizes that things still aren’t as peachy between Rue and Jules as Lexi had initially perceived.  In fact, she realizes that it seems like the whole nature of their relationship has shifted.

Where before, Rue was throwing herself into their relationship with reckless abandon, and Lexi got the sense that Jules was a bit hesitant to commit to getting in too deep.  Now, though, Lexi notices that dynamic has reversed entirely.

Like Lexi had noticed before, it seems like Jules’ confidence and exuberance is no longer a façade.  She seems genuinely more comfortable in her own skin and around others (including Rue and Lexi), and her eyes shine every time she looks at Rue.  But on a similar front, those vibes of hesitancy that Lexi was getting from Jules a couple of weeks ago, she’s now getting those from Rue. 

She’s beginning to be more withdrawn than usual, not just from Jules but Lexi, too.  She still goes out together with them after school and on the weekends, but she’s even quieter than she normally is.  It’s unsettling for Lexi.  She’s not accustomed to seeing Rue uncertain.  She’s used to the version of Rue who doesn’t give a shit what anybody thinks of her, not this new Rue that is almost as timid as Lexi herself and really only adds to any conversations when she’s directly addressed.

After a few more weeks, though, Lexi starts to wonder if it’s actually a positive change.  She has an epiphany one night in the shower (yes, she was thinking about Rue while she was showering… so what?  Those things are totally unrelated).  She’s thinking about Rue’s behavior over the years, and all the changes she’s gone through since the start of the school year.  All the progress she’s made and the setbacks she’s had.  She remembers when they were kids, how part of the reason they’d gravitated together was because, at the end of the day, they were both shy.  They found comfort in each other’s awkwardness and uncertainty.  Those memories are so old, though, that Lexi realizes they’d been buried underneath the shadow of the person Rue became when her dad got sick. 

That was when everything changed.  That was when she started using, and things went totally downhill.

Lexi thinks about Rue’s addiction, and how after just a few short years, her best friend had become almost completely unrecognizable to her.  She realizes now that Rue had been forced to build up that front of apathy, of indifference, as a survival instinct.  She probably felt like the whole world, including her own family, was constantly judging her and judging her and deeming her unworthy, so she had to convince herself that she didn’t care just so she could stay sane.

Now, though, she’s been sober for a couple months, and that veneer of indifference is finally falling away.  Lexi thinks that’s a positive thing.  It means that, hopefully, Rue is finally once again thinking about how she makes other people feel.  And if she’s thinking about that, then it’s not a far step to hope that, before long, she’ll start to consider the direct effects that her destructive actions have on the people who care about her… and – perhaps most importantly – that there are people who care about her, who love her. 

Lexi thinks it’ll probably be a lot longer before Rue’s convinced she’s deserving of that love, but hey.  Baby steps, right?  Slow progress is still progress, after all, and Lexi is committed to be there for her every step of the way.  Even if Rue isn’t necessarily aware of her continued devotion.

Before they know it, Winter Break is already right around the corner.  Of course, that also means the Winter Formal is also coming up, the dance that’s held the Saturday night after their last day of school before break.  Lexi isn’t exactly looking forward to it.  Dances, like parties, have never really been her scene – the only difference being that, unlike parties, she actually usually lets Cassie, Maddy, and Kat drag her along to the dances (dateless).  She doesn’t usually put too much effort into getting all dolled up, but she knows Cassie enjoys doing her best to make her look attractive for these things, so she’s fine letting her sister have her fun.

But as they enter the week of the formal, and the buzz around the school starts to pick up as students gossip about their outfits and their dates and the excitement for their vacations over the holiday break, Cassie asks Lexi what her plans are for the night of the dance.  It’s Monday, and they’re sitting at lunch with Maddy and Kat.

Lexi shrugs.  “I don’t know,” she says.  “I hadn’t really thought about it.  It’s not like I have a date.”

“Neither do any of us,” Maddy says, wearing a proud smirk and shrugging.  Cassie and Kat chuckle.  “We’re all going together.  You should come with.  You need to let loose a little, bitch.”

It’s surprising that Lexi doesn’t actually find the idea all that repulsive.  With Cassie and Maddy having both – rightfully – ditched their no-good boyfriends (at least she hopes Maddy is done with Nate for good), it might actually be a fun girl’s night. 

Besides, everything with Rue and Jules and Lexi’s feelings which has all come to a head this fall have pushed Lexi pretty much to her breaking point.  She really does need a night where she can just put it all out of her head.

“Okay,” she agrees easily, to the delight of the other girls.

They smile at her, and Cassie actually looks a little proud.  “We’ll go shopping after school, Lex,” she says.  “You’re gonna look like a knockout.”

Cassie is true to her word.  Once the last bell on Friday heralds the start of Winter Break, the two sisters skip out of the school, giggling.  Cassie drives them to the East Highland Mall.  It’s decently busy – for late afternoon on a Friday – but they find a parking spot on the end near one of the department stores easily enough.

Lexi trails Cassie into the store.  Her sister is laser-focused, honing right in on the section where there are a number of semi-formal dresses hanging on display and dragging her along by their linked hands. 

It’s all just a little bit intimidating.  Again, Lexi’s never really been one for the kind of grand fashion statements Cassie’s always loved, and the amount of sparkles and sequins and velvety soft fabric surrounding her right now is frankly overwhelming.

But Cassie’s enthusiasm is infectious, and Lexi soon finds herself cracking a smile as she watches her sister flip through the racks of dresses for the perfect fit.

“Oh, yes,” Cassie practically purrs.  “Here we go.  Lex, c’mere.”

Curious, Lexi approaches the rack where her sister is standing and reaching back for a dress.  When she sees it, her eyes go wide.

Cassie’s pulled out a gorgeous understated number, knee-length and silky, with two thin spaghetti straps.  It’s smooth and plain, free of any sparkles or sequins.  The color is a deep sapphire.

It’s breathtaking.

Lexi feels a sudden and enormous rush of love for her sister that makes her eyes start to well up.  Cassie knows her so well, she’s picked out a dress that perfectly suits Lexi’s style.  It’s simple, but elegant and beautiful.  For once, she knows she’ll be wearing something that’s sure to turn heads.

She realizes that, tomorrow night, she actually does want to make one of those fashion statements.  She wants to have a night where she really feels as beautiful as Cassie always encourages her she is.  She wants a night where she can feel confident in her own skin, where she can just be the wild teenager her Mom’s always trying to get her to be.  She wants to forget about Rue, and Jules, and Nate, and all the rest of it, and just have fun.

As unlikely as she thought that would be, it’s looking like she might actually be able to do it.

Cassie notices her emotion.  She just wordlessly steps forward and wraps Lexi in a hug.  When they pull apart, she offers a gentle smile and all but shoves the dress into Lexi’s arms.  “Go, girl!” she says, motioning towards the fitting rooms and laughing.

Lexi arbitrarily picks one of the empty rooms and shuts and locks the door.  She hangs the dress up on a peg and strips.  When she’s down to her underwear, she takes the dress off the hangar and holds it in her arms, running her fingers over the material.  Then she turns away from the mirror and starts putting in on.

She stays facing away from the mirror while she does it.  Maybe it’s a little silly, but she wants it to be a big reveal for herself to see how she looks once she gets it on.  As she steps into the dress and slides the spaghetti straps over her shoulders, she runs her hands down the length of the dress to smooth it out.  Then she takes a deep breath and turns around.

Her jaw falls open.

The dress is literally perfect.  It comes down to just above her knees, so it doesn’t show more leg than she’s comfortable with.  It’s tighter than she expected, but it hugs curves she didn’t even think she had in an amazing way.  The deep royal blue accentuates her marble skin.  All in all, she thinks it’s the most attractive she’s ever felt.

Cassie might actually be onto something here.

She quickly changes back into her school outfit and leaves the fitting room behind.  She rushes up to where her sister is standing, browsing through more dresses while she waits.  Cassie looks up with a sparkle in her eye when she hears Lexi return.

“So, what do you think?” Cassie asks, a sly grin on her face like she already knows what Lexi’s going to say.

Lexi hugs her again.  “It’s perfect, Cass,” she mumbles into her shoulder.  “It’s perfect.  You’re amazing.”

“Aw, it’s nothing,” Cassie laughs.  They separate again, and Cassie pats Lexi on the arm.  “Love you, sis.”

“Love you, too, Cass.”

And Lexi can’t help but realize in that moment how much lighter Cassie seems.  She can’t even imagine how awful it must have been to have to deal with everything with McKay and the pregnancy – it was awful enough for Lexi, and she was just a spectator.  But ever since they went to the clinic and Cassie broke up with McKay, she’s been different.

It’s like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders.  She’s been smiling more, laughing more, and Lexi can honestly say it’s the happiest she’s seen her since their dad left.  It’s a good look on her, and seeing her sister this much more hopeful makes her happy, too.  She thinks they might be closer now than they’ve ever been.

Really, that applies to their Mom, too.  She’s always been more affectionate with Cassie, but lately, all three of them have been leaning on each other more and more.  The trauma of Cassie’s predicament somehow managed to bring them together.  It was important that she know that she wasn’t alone, and that they would deal with it as a family.  Since then, the Howards have been nearly inseparable.

Lexi just hopes it lasts.

She wakes up late Saturday morning – around 11 – and can’t decide if the roiling of her stomach is from excitement or nerves or both.  The day passes agonizingly slowly, but eventually, it’s finally time to get ready for the formal. 

The Howards gather in Lexi and Cassie’s room.  The two sisters both change into their dresses; the deep sapphire for Lexi, and a similarly simple shimmery pink dress with a neckline fringed with silver for Cassie.

Once they’re dressed, they decide to help Cassie first since she’s decided she’s not going to use that much makeup.  She’s turning over a new leaf, going for a much more natural look tonight than she usually wears when she goes out.  It doesn’t take long for her and their mom to finish the look.  A pair of small silver orb earrings completes it.

It takes them a bit longer with Lexi.  She, too, is trying out something new, which in her case is something flashier than she’d normally do.  Cassie and Suze sit her down in the chair in front of Cassie’s vanity and set to work.

“Close your eyes,” Cassie instructs her.  “I don’t want you to see everything until it’s finished.”

“But what if… what if it’s too much?” Lexi says, uncertain.  “What if I change my mind and I don’t like it?  Will we have time to take it off and re-do it?”

Cassie smiles softly at her.  “Trust me, Lex,” she says.  “You’re gonna love it.”

After a moment, Lexi nods.  She closes her eyes and sits back, letting Cassie and their mom work their magic.  Her mom sets to work on her hair, while Cassie begins applying makeup to her face.  As Cassie goes along, Lexi can feel that it’s more than she would normally use, but she listens to her sister and trusts that she knows what she’s doing.

She soon feels Cassie move to work on her eyes.  Again, she can tell it’s much more eyeshadow than she would normally use, but she lets Cassie work uninterrupted. 

“Ok, I’m done,” Cassie says after ten or fifteen minutes of careful work.  “But don’t look yet.”

Lexi huffs, but obediently keeps her eyes closed.

She feels Cassie slip the choker around her neck and fasten it.  Then she feels two more slim chain necklaces come to rest around her neck.  Cassie gently brushes Lexi’s hair out of the way and clasps them behind her neck.  Finally, there’s a slight prick at each ear as Cassie selects a pair of earrings and puts them on her.

“Alright.  Open ‘em up.”

She opens her eyes.  All the breath leaves her lungs in a shocked exhale.

When Cassie said she was going to look like a knockout, she hadn’t really believed it.  But the image in the mirror that greets her eyes is beyond anything she could have imagined.

She really does look gorgeous.  Cassie’s done her makeup subtle enough that it makes her pale skin glow with radiance but doesn’t look caked or unnatural.  Her lips shine a vibrant red without being garish or overly lurid.  A pair of earrings with a chain of tiny light blue orbs dangles from each ear.  But the pièce de resistance, Cassie’s magnum opus, is Lexi’s eyes.

Her lids are streaked with sparkling color; a shimmering light pink close to her nose, which strengthens into a deep violet as the wings fan out towards the outside of her face.  On that side, Cassie’s dotted her lids with glitter and several small silver stars.  The striking dark purple emphasizes her skin, while the lighter pink brings out the hazel of her eyes and her dark hair.

For a second, she almost can’t believe the face in the mirror is actually her.  But it is her, and she looks stunning.

“Wow,” she breathes, trying to find the words and failing.  “Cassie, I…”

“Don’t mention it, Lex,” Cassie says with a smile.  “I told you you’d be a knockout.”

“Wow,” she says again.  She can’t come up with anything else.

She fingers the pendants around her neck.  One is a thin gold chain with a small egg-shaped ornament – also gold – that hangs almost to her neckline.  The other is an even thinner silver necklace that sits at the base of her throat against her collarbone.  There’s a tiny heart charm on it, barely the size of one of her fingernails.  She realizes Cassie is wearing a matching one.

Cassie notices her gaze.  She brings her hand up to touch the charm and smiles.  “I got these for us when I went out the other day,” she admits.  “I wanted to surprise you.  I don’t know if you can see it, but there’s a small H in the middle of the heart.  I got one for Mom, too.”

And just like that, she feels tears prick at her eyes again.  She surges out of her chair and throws herself at Cassie, tucking her head into her shoulder.  A few seconds later, Suze wraps her arms around her two daughters and joins the hug.

They break apart only when Cassie’s phone dings with a message from Maddy that she’s ready for them to pick her up for the formal.

“Girls, you both look so beautiful,” Suze says as they prepare to walk out the door.  “Have fun tonight.”

“Thanks, Mom, we will,” they chorus, and then they’re off.

Maddy brought something to drink with her.  She says it’s Gatorade and Everclear, whatever that is.  Lexi has no idea, but she hopes it’s strong alcohol.  She’s decided that tonight, she’s going to indulge herself.  She’s going to let herself go a little, because honestly, she needs it.  She needs to not think about anything for a while and just enjoy the night, and for the first time, she wants to be drunk while she does it.

So when Cassie turns her nose up at the bottle and Maddy offers it to Lexi instead, she accepts it.  She stares at the orange liquid for a second and then – before she can think too much about it – says, “Fuck it” and swiftly downs a huge gulp.

And oh, oh dear God, that was a mistake.  She might as well have just poured burning dirt down her throat.  And that’s not to even mention the taste.  It looks like Maddy picked orange Gatorade to mix the Everclear with, and Lexi must have forgot how much she hates orange Gatorade because holy shit if that isn’t the most fucking disgusting thing she’s ever tasted.  Though, to be fair, it could just be because it’s warm Gatorade and there’s a lot of alcohol in it and Lexi’s body just isn’t used to alcohol at all, in any way. 

She presses her hand against her mouth, trying not to gag or worse.  Eventually, she succeeds in surviving her swallow with just a few hacking coughs.

“Fuck it uuuup, girl,” Maddy sings. 

Cassie looks over at Lexi from the driver’s seat and raises an eyebrow.  The corner of lip quirks upward, but she says nothing.  Lexi ignores her and instead takes another (much smaller) sip of poison.

She and Maddy pass the bottle back and forth during the ride, though Maddy’s sips are much smaller than Lexi’s.  After a bit, she starts to make a little game out of it.  Every time they have to stop at a red light, drink.  Every time someone cuts them off or blows through a yellow light near them, drink.  Every time Maddy says “bitch,” drink.

This shit must indeed be strong, because it’s barely been ten minutes before she feels her thoughts starting to get muddled.  Her worries about Rue and Jules and everything else start to just slip away, and she feels floaty.

By the time they pull up at East Highland, Lexi’s already past buzzed and well on her way towards tipsy.  She stumbles a bit as she gets out of the car, and she giggles a bit to herself as it occurs to her to be grateful that Cassie picked out platform shoes for her and not a pair of heels.

The three girls walk into the gym together arm-in-arm.  The place is decorated with dozens of stars of all sizes; dark purple curtains line the walls.  The circular tables are covered with ocean blue tablecloths and each one features a glowing white crystal ball as its centerpiece.  A large moon hangs from one corner.  The lights are dim, a pink and blue and purple fluorescent glow permeating the gym.  The music is loud but actually bearable, for now anyway, even if Lexi can feel the bass vibrating through the floorboards.

The girls pick an unoccupied table and claim it as their own.  Before long, Rue and Jules walk in together and join them, followed after by Kat.

As always, Lexi’s focus can’t help but be drawn straight to Rue.  She’s like a black hole and Lexi is caught in her orbit, spiraling down and down into the unknown.  The absurdity of that thought makes her giggle again.

She’s wearing what looks like a reddish-purple corset-and-skirt combo underneath a dark burgundy blazer.  She has on a pair of suit pants of the same color and, of course, her converse.  It’s an odd combination, but as usual, she makes it work.  Her face is dusted with glitter and small silver stars, like Lexi.  It seems that Cassie wasn’t the only one inspired by the “Starry Night” theme.

It blows her mind that it doesn’t matter how hard Rue tries or doesn’t try, she never looks anything less than perfect to Lexi.

She definitely stares at Rue a little longer than is appropriate while they’re all greeting each other, and she has to consciously order her sluggish mind to look away.  She takes another sip of the Gatorade mix to combat the awkwardness.

A conversation starts up among the group of friends at the table.  Lexi can only half-follow it – the words are jumbling all together in her head when she tries to listen.  She thinks she hears Cassie say something about their mom talking about peaking in high school, and Kat asserting that she definitely hasn’t peaked.

“I feel like I’m not even a person yet,” Lexi mumbles in response.  For a second, she doesn’t even realize she’s spoken out loud until everyone turns to look at her.  She sinks down a little in her chair and takes another sip.

“Yeah, I’m definitely at, like, 25% peak-ness,” Cassie says, jokingly agreeing.  She’s probably right.  Her sister just needed some time to get her priorities together, but Lexi can tell that she absolutely has a bright future ahead of her.  Although really, as awful as high school is, things can only go up from here, right?

The night passes in a blur as, one by one, the girls begin to drift apart.  Jules is the first to get up, followed – unsurprisingly – by Rue.  Lexi really doesn’t want to think about the significance of that, so for once, she doesn’t.

Man, alcohol is really great.

Maddy is next, leaving the table and sidling up to Nate on the dance floor, and Lexi wants to roll her eyes at the ridiculousness of it all.  Then Cassie’s talking about how she doesn’t want to fall in love again for at least a few years, and Lexi thinks, I really wish it were as simple as telling yourself, ‘No.’ 

Last to go is Kat.  Lexi watches her stand and stride with purpose towards a short guy with curly brown hair, eyes following as she drags him upstairs.  They’re standing very close to each other, staring into each other’s eyes and talking, though Lexi is too far away to hear what they’re saying.

She decides to yell something encouraging to her friend.  “Go, kiss him, Kat!” she shouts.  Or at least, that’s what goes through her brain, what she tries to say.  She’s honestly not sure what actually comes out of her mouth.  Whatever it is, it seems to do the trick, because Kat and the mystery guy start kissing.

The two sisters are left alone at the table, watching the spectacle.  Cassie laughs and shakes her head at Lexi’s drunkenness.  “What did you say?” she asks incredulously.

Lexi has to wait for her own laughter to stop before she can answer.  “I started to say one thing,” she says.  Her tongue feels strange, and she has to focus really hard to get the words out coherently.  “And then I said something else, but… she knows what I meant,” she finishes confidently.  The Howard girls look at each other for a second, before dissolving into laughter again.

As the night wears on, though, the floaty feeling starts to fade into something heavy and uncomfortable.  Like her brain has hardened into stone.  Rue and Jules reappear together, hand in hand, and take to the dance floor.

She watches them mournfully.  She reaches for the Gatorade bottle, only for Cassie to pull it out of her reach and hold it there.  Lexi frowns pitifully.

“Don’t give me that look,” Cassie says.  “I think you’ve had enough.”

Lexi sighs.  She knows Cassie’s right, but she doesn’t want to stop.  She just wants the happy floaty feeling back.

Instead, she’s stuck with her eyes glued to Rue and Jules as they move against each other on the dance floor.  All of her thoughts and feelings come crashing back down on her in a tidal wave of anxiety, and she sinks down with her arm on the table, propping up her head on the one hand.

Why is this her life?  Why does she always have to just sit back and watch while other people get what they want?  While they get what she wants?  She has an image of Rue curled up alongside her in bed, and she can’t shake it from her head.

Even as Rue and Jules leave the gym together.

Lexi looks at her sister.  She doesn’t want to think about how miserable she must look.  “Cassie, can I ask you something?” she says, forcing the words out slowly to make up for her sloppiness.

“Yeah, of course,” says Cassie.

“How do you decide who you wanna hook up with?”

Cassie considers the question, and shrugs.  “I don’t know, they usually just come to you.”

“Yeah but what if they don’t?”

“Then go and do whoever the fuck you want.”

Lexi thinks about that.  Originally, she brought up this topic because she was wondering if a random hook-up was what she needed to get her mind off of Rue.  But as Cassie’s advice – go and do whoever the fuck you want – bounces around her semi-functioning brain, she knows there’s only one person she really wants to hook up with.

If she were sober, she’d say there’s no chance.  But the alcohol in her system says, really, what’s the worst that can happen?  She might reject you, and then that’s that.  If there’s any chance she might say yes, though, whether she feels the same way or not… well, that might just be worth the risk.  Besides, when has Lexi ever taken a risk in her life?  Really, when it mattered?

So she tells Cassie, “Yeah.  Okay.  I’mma do that.”

Cassia laughs.  “I love you, Lex.”

“Love you, too.”

Lexi gets up slowly, wobbling a bit.  Then she takes one last look around at the gym, and heads out into the parking lot.

She has enough awareness left to realize that Rue and Jules probably biked to the school, because they bike everywhere, so she goes to the rack first.  She scans it several times as best she can, but it doesn’t look like either of their bikes is in the rack.  Which means they went home, probably together.

She almost gives up.  She really, really wants to.  She has no bike, no car to drive even if she were in a state to be driving one.  But she also really, really wants to just get all this shit off her chest and confess everything to Rue.  And maybe even sleep with her, best-case scenario.  Lexi lives her life in the safe lane and never does anything out of her comfort zone, but this… this, she has to do.  Win or lose, it might be the step she needs to finally move on from Rue for good, one way or another.

So she huffs to herself and starts walking.

It’s slow going.  She’s still drunk and extremely unsteady, so she has to step carefully to be sure she doesn’t fall.  She still does, though.  Twice.  It’s after the second time that she realizes she may not have thought this through.  It’s God knows how late, the streets are pitch dark outside the streetlamps, she kind of doesn’t really know where she is, it’s really fucking cold, and she’s still drunk.

Yes, this was probably a really stupid idea, but she’s committed now.  She picks herself up and keeps walking.

By some miracle, she makes it to her destination in one piece and with only minimal bruising.  She walks up to the front door, and her finger is an inch from the button before she realizes she can’t ring the doorbell because Gia and Mrs. Bennett are probably asleep.  She slaps herself on the cheek a few times, trying to get her brain to work better.

Lexi hoists herself up over the fence, catches her foot on the way down, and faceplants into the frosted grass.  She groans.  She rolls over, slaps herself on the cheek again, and slowly gets back to her feet.

Luckily, her body remembers which window is Rue’s even if her brain doesn’t, and leads her right up to it.  She climbs part of the way up to it, reaches, and raps on the glass.  Three taps, pause, two taps, pause, one tap – the code she and Rue made up as kids.  She doesn’t even think about it; again, her body just moves on instinct.

Nothing happens.

She waits a few more minutes.

Still no response.

An uncomfortable sensation starts to take root in the pit of her stomach.  She hauls herself up to the edge of the window and tries to peer in, but her eyes are bleary from the alcohol and it’s too dark to see anything inside.  She watches for a bit anyway, trying to catch a glimpse of any movement, but there’s nothing.

The room is empty… which means Rue is at Jules’ house.

Lexi releases the window sill and lets herself slide down the wall.  She went to all of this trouble, broke all of her own rules to make herself do this, and for what?  Absolutely fucking nothing.  Rue isn’t here, so Lexi doesn’t even have any chance to go through with her plan.

But isn’t that how things always go where Rue is concerned?  Isn’t that just how things work between them?  With Lexi putting herself through the ringer to be there for Rue, while her efforts inevitably amount to nothing?  Lexi is always willing to give almost everything to Rue, but she can only give it when the other girl is willing to take it, which is not very often.  She might indulge Lexi for a time, but in the end, she always leaves her feeling hollow and miserable.

The tipsiness is finally beginning to fade a little, and all of a sudden Lexi’s body starts to remember how far she just walked from the school to get here.  Her legs feel heavy, and she’s actually so exhausted the tears just won’t come.

She’s not sure how long she sits there in the grass, leaning up against the outside wall of Rue’s room.  But eventually, she knows she needs to go home.  Thankfully, her house is just down the street, not too far to walk, even for her weary body.  She’s glad; she didn’t want to have to call Cassie to pick her up and have to explain what she did.

After a lengthy struggle, she manages to lift herself back to her feet.  She stumbles to the fence, being more careful this time as she crosses it so that she doesn’t fall again.  Then she’s in the Bennett’s front yard, and with one last forlorn look at her best-friend-and-love-of-her-life’s house, she sets off down the street towards her own house.

Less than a minute later, she spots a figure at the other end of the street.  She freezes and tenses up.  It’s too dark to make out much detail, but the figure is tall, and coming straight towards her, though somehow they don’t seem to have noticed her yet.

Just when Lexi’s still-sluggish brain is telling her she should probably get out of sight, the figure crosses under a streetlight and she has to stifle a gasp.  She can make out the long, curly brown hair, the dark pants and blazer, and the shine of glittery purple makeup.

It’s Rue.  Her eyes are cast towards the ground – probably why she hasn’t noticed Lexi yet – her shoulders are hunched, and her arms are wrapped around her own body.  Lexi can hear her sobbing from here.

Lexi waits for her to get a little closer, then calls out, “Rue-Rue?”

Rue’s head jerks upwards.  She catches sight of Lexi and stops for a moment in shock.  Then she starts sprinting straight to her.

She throws herself into Lexi’s arms, and Lexi barely catches her.  She can feel Rue’s whole body shaking in the embrace, quiet sobs and sniffs filling her ears.  Lexi doesn’t say anything, just holds Rue tighter and rubs her hand up and down her back.

As much as she hates to, Lexi makes herself pull away after a minute or two.  She keeps hold of Rue’s upper arms, gently stroking up and down.  “Oh, Rue,” she murmurs.  “What happened?”

“S-she’s gone,” Rue says miserably.  “She left, she’s g-gone.”

“What?  Who’s gone, Rue?” Lexi asks, though she’s pretty sure she knows the answer.

“J-Jules.  She j-just… she just got on the train and left and she wanted me to go with her and I wanted to but I just – I c-couldn’t because I’m weak and I’m just –“

“Shhh, Rue-Rue, it’s okay,” Lexi says, interrupting her rambling before she can spiral too far.  “You’re not weak, Rue.  You said ‘no,’ and that makes you strong.  You’re so strong.”

“I can’t – I don’t want to be strong, Lex,” Rue moans.  “It’s so hard.”

Lexi embraces her again.  “I know, Bennett, I know,” she whispers.

There’s silence.  Rue is able to compose herself slightly, and the sobs quiet to just the occasional miserable sniff.  Then she says, “I think I know what Ali meant now.”

“Who?”

“A… friend from NA.  He tried to make me see about J-Jules, what our relationship was like, but I didn’t believe him.  I didn’t understand what he was trying to tell me.  I think I’m starting get it now.”

“I’m so sorry, Rue.  Do you want me to walk home with you?”

“No!” Rue exclaims hurriedly, her voice filled with panic.  “I-I mean, yes, but not… I can’t – I can’t go back home.  I have… I…”  Her eyes start to well up again.  “Please don’t hate me, Lex…”

“Hey slow down, it’s okay.  What are you talking about?”

“I can’t go back home because… because I never got rid of all of my stash when I was supposed to and it’s in my room and I know if I go back there I won’t be able to stop myself from using it and I’m so scared of myself, I’m terrified that everything from the last few months will be for nothing so please please can I stay with you tonight, Lex?”  The last part comes out in a rush, so quickly that Lexi can barely follow the words.

Once they sink in, though, her heart swells with pride for Rue.  She may not realize it right now, but this is a huge step, and Lexi is overjoyed that she’s making it herself.

“Of course you can,” she says.  “Always.”

Rue links their arms together as they start walking.  While this is not in any way how Lexi thought this night was going to turn out, it’s still a pretty good outcome.  Her heart breaks with Rue’s pain, and she wants to hate Jules, she really does, but she always knew something like this was going to happen.  It’s just Jules’ nature – free-spirited and recklessly adventurous – and she can’t hate the other girl for that.  It was just never meant to last.

She glances over at Rue and thinks about her original plan for the night.  She has the chance, now, to lay it all out on the line and tell her everything.  She wants to do it, so badly, but she doesn’t think it’s the right time, not while Rue is this upset.  She has to keep waiting, at least until she’s helped Rue calm down and try to deal with what happened.

They arrive at the Howard household, and Rue still hasn’t said another word.  Lexi uses the hidden spare key to unlock the door and leads Rue inside and up to her room.  They’re careful not to wake her mom, who is, as usual, passed out on the sofa, an empty wine glass on the end table beside her.

Lexi lets out a small relieved sigh when she sees that Cassie isn’t back yet.  She drags Rue over to the bathroom.

“What are – what are you doing?” Rue asks.

Lexi rolls her eyes.  “Well, unless you want to go sleep with all that makeup still on, Bennett…”

“Oh.  Right.”

Lexi directs Rue to sit down on the closed toilet lid and fishes out a makeup wipe from the drawer.  Very carefully, she crouches down on one knee between her legs and cleans Rue’s face, removing the liner and glitter from her eyelids and picking off the silver stars.  Then she runs it gently over Rue’s cheeks, washing off the tear stains and the rest of her light makeup.

She can feel Rue’s eyes on her the whole time, but she focuses on her task and doesn’t look at her to avoid dwelling on it.

When she’s done, she smiles hesitantly and stands, tossing the wipe in the trash.  She pulls another one for herself and heads over to the mirror to start removing her own.

But when she lifts the wipe to her cheek, Rue’s hand covers hers.  “Let me,” she says quietly.

Wide-eyed, Lexi nods slowly and allows Rue to position her on the toilet lid.  As Rue unmakes Cassie’s diligent work, Lexi can’t keep her eyes off her.  Even without any makeup and having just cried up a storm, she thinks Rue Bennett is the most beautiful creature there is.  Her eyes flick up to meet Lexi’s briefly, then return to her task.

“Why do you always look at me like that?”

The question startles Lexi.  She flounders for an answer.  “L-like what?”

“Like I just brought home your lost puppy.”

“I…”  She doesn’t know what to say.  Rue finishes cleaning her face and Lexi just sits there helplessly, her stomach churning.  She thinks telling the truth is out of the question, but then a small voice in the back of her head says, This is what you wanted, isn’t it?  You have the opportunity, so what are you going to choose?

For once, she doesn’t take the safe option.

“I think I’m in love with you,” she blurts out.

As Rue drops the makeup wipe into the trash, she freezes.  She turns agonizingly slowly, staring at Lexi with disbelief.  “I… you… what?”

Lexi takes a deep breath.  “I – I think I’m in love with you,” she says slower, and slightly more confidently.  “I definitely have a crush on you.  I have for a while, at – at least since we kissed freshman year.  Maybe longer.”

Rue seems at a loss for words.  “I… but… I thought you said it was weird and uncomfortable!”

“Yeah, it was, because you’re my best friend but I enjoyed kissing you!”

“You mean, all this time… you… Lexi, I…”

Lexi looks away.  “I know, it’s stupid.  I shouldn’t have told you, but I just needed – “

She’s interrupted as Rue crashes her lips to hers.  Her eyes widen in shock, then close as she sinks into the kiss.  Rue’s lips are as soft as she remembered – softer, even – and she can’t stop herself from reaching up and cupping the back of her neck.  She feels Rue’s hand come to rest on her cheek as the kiss deepens.

Suddenly, Lex’s brain catches up to her body and it screams at her, Stop!  Stop!  You’re making a mistake!  As much as she doesn’t want to, she knows it’s right.  There are just too many other factors right now. 

Curse her level-headedness.

She breaks away from the kiss with a gasp.  “No, I – you… we can’t,” she stutters, having to struggle to form a coherent thought after what just took place.

Rue frowns, the hurt clear in her eyes.  “Did I do something wrong?”

Lexi puts her head in her hands and groans.  “Yes – no – I mean, kind of!  I don’t know!”  She sighs.  “Look, it was great, okay, but… Rue, you were just… I can’t do that with you, not now.”

“Oh.  Oh, okay.  Yeah.  I understand.”  She starts to walk past Lexi to leave the bathroom.

Lexi grabs her hand and pulls her back.  “No, wait.  I don’t think you do.  I didn’t mean it like that.”  She sighs again.  “Rue… I really want to be with you, okay?  I just meant… not yet.  We’re both stupid emotional right now, and I’m still a little drunk.  And I mean, everything with Jules… I can’t be a rebound, you know?”

Rue softens.  “Of course not,” she agrees.  “Never.”

“And come on, let’s be honest,” Lexi says, cracking a sardonic smile.  “We both know you should work on yourself for a bit before you get involved with anyone else, yeah?”

Rue looks at the ground.  “Yeah.  Yeah, no, you’re right.  As usual.”

“Hey.”  Lexi tips Rue’s chin up to meet the other girl’s eyes.  “I’ll help you, okay?  I’ll always be here to help you.  But you have to do this on your own.  You’ve already made it so far, all you have to do is keep going.”

“I know.”  Rue sniffs.  “I don’t deserve you, Lex.”

“Maybe not,” Lexi concedes.  “But you’ve got me either way.”

“I’ll just drag you down,” she insists.

“Or maybe I’ll help you pull yourself up.”

Rue can’t stop the resigned smile that pulls at her lips.  “You’re really serious about this?”

“Dead serious.”

“You might be waiting a while.”

Lexi leans forward and places a light kiss on Rue’s left cheek, then her right, then her forehead and her chin.  “I’ll wait for as long as it takes you,” she promises.  Rue dips her head and smiles bashfully.

Lexi falls asleep that night with Rue-Rue in her arms and a smile on her face.

FIN